You know that movie, where the one friend is in love with the other and the one who is in love, is sitting in the bleachers watching the boy or girl they love kissing someone else while all the while, they are wishing it were them?.... Yeah that movie! (I don't ever remember names of things sorry) but you know which one I'm talking about right? right! Yes, yes, THAT movie. Well, that is probably, one of the most horrible movies ever! especially, when you're not just watching it, but rather, you are playing the part of the friend in love.
As a teenager, that never really happened to me, THANK God! For one, I was always in some sort of relationship with a boy, so I was never really single long enough to become friends with someone who didn't like me and then end up falling in love with him. Of course there were times I liked boys who didn't like me, but these boys were not boys that were really my friends. They were just crushes or something.
As an adult however, I had that experience for the very first time in my life. I met a man that I was very attracted to, and we became good friends, and one day after fighting myself for months no to fall in love, I woke up and I felt like I was in another kind of movie. You know which movie I'm talking about right? the one when the main character all of a sudden realizes that he or she is indeed in love with that person and they feel like they just got hit in the head with something, and then they stand there just paralyzed and blanked face and they think to themselves OMG when did this happen?!!! then they don't know how to act or what to say to the friend they fell for that they fell for them and then they act kind of silly and all crazy. Well, that's exactly how I felt, and....That shit was CRAZY!
I do not wish that feeling upon my worst enemy, yet the feeling you feel for that person is greater then anything imaginable, because you already love the person as a friend, but then, in addition to that you are in love with them in a romantic way. And it is the kindest most purest feeling in one's heart. It's the truest of all love!
I would imagine that this is the part where as a teenager, you would continue to be friends with this person you just realized you were totally in love with, or maybe, you might not even know it and the most natural thing to do would be to continue to hang out with this individual and watch them kissing other people. And then of course you probably fight a whole lot with that friend, because you are so confused about what the hell is going on you just don't know how to handle it. It must be a brutal thing, thank God I didn't experience that as a teenager, there is no telling what I would of done, I was crazier then I am now as a teenager.
As an adult however, you obviously can't ignore these things and you need to talk to that friend and be honest and find out what the other persons feelings are for you, because you sure as hell don't want to be the one watching the friend you love kissing someone else! HELL NO!
In my case, after being in complete denial for a few months because I had just gotten out of a marriage and was not really in a place where I could allow myself to start something new with someone. I was so happy to finally be free. And for the first time in my life, I wanted to really get to know who I was, without being part of a relationship. That I was not ready to date and let alone be in love with this wonderful man that had been my friend through one of the roughest times of my life. So realizing that I was in love with him, was really hard. I denied it to myself for months, until one day, I couldn't hold it in anymore and I went on to share my feelings with that individual, only to find out, that he's feelings for me were only of platonic friendship. After him telling me his feelings for me weren't mutual, I was torn.
Part of me wanted to pretend that I did not really love this friend, how could this even be possible? what the hell was I thinking? when did this happen? was this even normal? maybe I just thought I was? It was probably my postpartum?!? but in my heart I knew, that this was love and that although I wanted nothing more then to continue to be his friend because now the thought of loosing him was scarier than anything else in the world, because I would not only loose my friend, but I would also loose the man that I now loved, I knew that if I maintained this friendship I would only be hurting myself, yet letting him go would be tragic and so it was. I never had such a hard time with something in my whole life.
The fact that he sort of led me on didn't help the matter either, and this sort of made things a bit more complicated. I'm sure that he loved me very much as well (as a friend and person), but just not the same way I loved him. However, I think that at that point after I shared my feeling for him, with him, because we were both adults, the best thing he could of done once he knew what my feelings were, was to try and distance himself from me and start trying to let me go. Maybe by encouraging me to date and find love elsewhere.
He did not do this however and I am not saying that he did anything on purpose, I'm just saying that that is not what happened and I truly believe that that is when his selfishness came into play. Again, I'm not blaming him, I am completely sure that his intention was never to hurt me on purpose, I'm sure that he had a hard time with this too. But the whole situation got out of hand because we didn't know how to deal with it properly I guess.
When we know someone cares for us in a romantic way, but we don't feel the same way for them, we almost begin to think of them as our property, almost like, you love me so you will always be there. Your my friend, so even though I don't love you in a romantic way, why should I stop hanging out with you if I love you as a person? Further, we start to think, I'm not doing anything wrong, it's not really my fault you feel that way for me, why do I have to loose my friend if you didn't know how to control your feelings for me? Now, I am not saying that this is true for everyone, what I am saying is, that this is the behaviour I have observed in many of these situations. Because I have heard many stories from many people that tell me they are in love with their friend. And I have noticed, that the person who is being loved, is usually the one taking advantage of that love. THAT IS NOT COOL!
In my opinion, I find this to be a terrible thing to do to a friend who is in love with you. Because if we know that our friend is in love with us and we don't love that friend back in a romantic way, the most unselfish kindest thing to do, is to try to distance ourselves from them, so that they can be happy. It's easier for the friend who's not in love because that friend is still moving on with their own life, trying to find love if they don't already have one or moving right along with their life with the person they do have.
But for the person who is in love, it's really difficult. At the point that the person who is in love tells the other person their feelings. Even if the the person that is not in love says, I'm sorry but I don't see you in a romantic way. The one who is in love, begins seeing signs that are not there. If the other person is not honest and up front right away about their own feelings. If they don't make the right decision because in a selfish way they don't want to loose their friend, because after all, it's not their fault you fell in love with them. In addition, they don't want to stay away because why should I and so instead of letting their friend go. The friend that is not in love continue to hang out with you acting like nothing happened, like you didn't tell them your feelings.
In turn, the person that is in love, starts to have all kinds of hope. You begin to think that your friend who you are in love with, might notice also how and why you are so great together. When you fall in love with a friend, it is usually for valid reasons. In my case, it was the fact that when we met there was sexual chemistry between us which led to a friendship which led to me developing these feelings of love for him. Still, when these things happen, it becomes very difficult for both parties, but I know, that it is harder for the person in love, because in love is way deeper then, I love my friend in a platonic way. Either way however, everyone is loosing.
I have been in the other end of the situation as well. Another friend of mine told me once how he was beginning to develop romantic feelings for me. After he told me, I Immediately began to distance myself from him, because, I was not about to do to him, what had been done to me. This happened to me not to long after, me having been in love with a friend myself and so because I loved him so much as a friend, and I wanted my friend to be happy. I did not want my friend who I cared about only in a platonice way to be hurt because of me.
Yes, after I distanced myself from him, I missed him all the time, but it was easier for me to let him go and allow him to find love somewhere else, with someone who could give him what I could not. I believed that it was easier for me to control the situation as the person who wasn't in love. Because I knew that we would never be a couple. I did not want him to start having ideas or false hopes, where there were none. I think by now, at my age, I pretty much know what I like or dislike. I knew that my platonic feelings would always be just that. And although I would sometimes miss him terribly, because I missed my friend. The most loving thing for me to do as a friend, was to stay away from him. I refused to lead my friend on, I loved him too much as a person, to do something so horrible. THAT WOULD HAVE NOT BEEN COOL!
After the heart breaking experience I had been through with the other friend, who sort of led me on and then didn't really love me back in a romantic way, I began to be more mindful of the roles male friends play in my life and the roles I play in theirs. Friendships are important in our lives, we need people we could talk to and trust. And so it is this same reason, why we need to treat our friends with love and respect. It is this same reason why we should be honest to them, and want them to be happy. Leading your friend on, is not being a friend at all.
After that, I also decided that I absolutely refuse to be the girl in the bleachers. If I'm not the one kissing my friend that I'm in love with, I don't want to be your friend at all. Especially if I think that the other person is using the fact that I may have romantic feelings for them, to their advantage. Who needs friends like that? friends, true friends, are not selfish, it's not about me me me, it's about if I love you as a human being and you love me to marry me, and I can't give you that, then the most loving thing I can do as your friend, is let you go. Why would I want my friend who is in love with me, to watch me from the bleachers? Isn't friendship love about wanting to see our friends happy? How is my friend who is in love with me watching me kiss someone else making them happy? THAT'S HORRIBLE!
So, be careful not to be the friend kissing while the one who loves you watches on. Remember, you never know in life, when you may be the one in the bleachers. Do to others, what you want to be done to you. Be kind to your friends.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9dADn6KDS-s
As a teenager, that never really happened to me, THANK God! For one, I was always in some sort of relationship with a boy, so I was never really single long enough to become friends with someone who didn't like me and then end up falling in love with him. Of course there were times I liked boys who didn't like me, but these boys were not boys that were really my friends. They were just crushes or something.
As an adult however, I had that experience for the very first time in my life. I met a man that I was very attracted to, and we became good friends, and one day after fighting myself for months no to fall in love, I woke up and I felt like I was in another kind of movie. You know which movie I'm talking about right? the one when the main character all of a sudden realizes that he or she is indeed in love with that person and they feel like they just got hit in the head with something, and then they stand there just paralyzed and blanked face and they think to themselves OMG when did this happen?!!! then they don't know how to act or what to say to the friend they fell for that they fell for them and then they act kind of silly and all crazy. Well, that's exactly how I felt, and....That shit was CRAZY!
I do not wish that feeling upon my worst enemy, yet the feeling you feel for that person is greater then anything imaginable, because you already love the person as a friend, but then, in addition to that you are in love with them in a romantic way. And it is the kindest most purest feeling in one's heart. It's the truest of all love!
I would imagine that this is the part where as a teenager, you would continue to be friends with this person you just realized you were totally in love with, or maybe, you might not even know it and the most natural thing to do would be to continue to hang out with this individual and watch them kissing other people. And then of course you probably fight a whole lot with that friend, because you are so confused about what the hell is going on you just don't know how to handle it. It must be a brutal thing, thank God I didn't experience that as a teenager, there is no telling what I would of done, I was crazier then I am now as a teenager.
As an adult however, you obviously can't ignore these things and you need to talk to that friend and be honest and find out what the other persons feelings are for you, because you sure as hell don't want to be the one watching the friend you love kissing someone else! HELL NO!
In my case, after being in complete denial for a few months because I had just gotten out of a marriage and was not really in a place where I could allow myself to start something new with someone. I was so happy to finally be free. And for the first time in my life, I wanted to really get to know who I was, without being part of a relationship. That I was not ready to date and let alone be in love with this wonderful man that had been my friend through one of the roughest times of my life. So realizing that I was in love with him, was really hard. I denied it to myself for months, until one day, I couldn't hold it in anymore and I went on to share my feelings with that individual, only to find out, that he's feelings for me were only of platonic friendship. After him telling me his feelings for me weren't mutual, I was torn.
Part of me wanted to pretend that I did not really love this friend, how could this even be possible? what the hell was I thinking? when did this happen? was this even normal? maybe I just thought I was? It was probably my postpartum?!? but in my heart I knew, that this was love and that although I wanted nothing more then to continue to be his friend because now the thought of loosing him was scarier than anything else in the world, because I would not only loose my friend, but I would also loose the man that I now loved, I knew that if I maintained this friendship I would only be hurting myself, yet letting him go would be tragic and so it was. I never had such a hard time with something in my whole life.
The fact that he sort of led me on didn't help the matter either, and this sort of made things a bit more complicated. I'm sure that he loved me very much as well (as a friend and person), but just not the same way I loved him. However, I think that at that point after I shared my feeling for him, with him, because we were both adults, the best thing he could of done once he knew what my feelings were, was to try and distance himself from me and start trying to let me go. Maybe by encouraging me to date and find love elsewhere.
He did not do this however and I am not saying that he did anything on purpose, I'm just saying that that is not what happened and I truly believe that that is when his selfishness came into play. Again, I'm not blaming him, I am completely sure that his intention was never to hurt me on purpose, I'm sure that he had a hard time with this too. But the whole situation got out of hand because we didn't know how to deal with it properly I guess.
When we know someone cares for us in a romantic way, but we don't feel the same way for them, we almost begin to think of them as our property, almost like, you love me so you will always be there. Your my friend, so even though I don't love you in a romantic way, why should I stop hanging out with you if I love you as a person? Further, we start to think, I'm not doing anything wrong, it's not really my fault you feel that way for me, why do I have to loose my friend if you didn't know how to control your feelings for me? Now, I am not saying that this is true for everyone, what I am saying is, that this is the behaviour I have observed in many of these situations. Because I have heard many stories from many people that tell me they are in love with their friend. And I have noticed, that the person who is being loved, is usually the one taking advantage of that love. THAT IS NOT COOL!
In my opinion, I find this to be a terrible thing to do to a friend who is in love with you. Because if we know that our friend is in love with us and we don't love that friend back in a romantic way, the most unselfish kindest thing to do, is to try to distance ourselves from them, so that they can be happy. It's easier for the friend who's not in love because that friend is still moving on with their own life, trying to find love if they don't already have one or moving right along with their life with the person they do have.
But for the person who is in love, it's really difficult. At the point that the person who is in love tells the other person their feelings. Even if the the person that is not in love says, I'm sorry but I don't see you in a romantic way. The one who is in love, begins seeing signs that are not there. If the other person is not honest and up front right away about their own feelings. If they don't make the right decision because in a selfish way they don't want to loose their friend, because after all, it's not their fault you fell in love with them. In addition, they don't want to stay away because why should I and so instead of letting their friend go. The friend that is not in love continue to hang out with you acting like nothing happened, like you didn't tell them your feelings.
In turn, the person that is in love, starts to have all kinds of hope. You begin to think that your friend who you are in love with, might notice also how and why you are so great together. When you fall in love with a friend, it is usually for valid reasons. In my case, it was the fact that when we met there was sexual chemistry between us which led to a friendship which led to me developing these feelings of love for him. Still, when these things happen, it becomes very difficult for both parties, but I know, that it is harder for the person in love, because in love is way deeper then, I love my friend in a platonic way. Either way however, everyone is loosing.
I have been in the other end of the situation as well. Another friend of mine told me once how he was beginning to develop romantic feelings for me. After he told me, I Immediately began to distance myself from him, because, I was not about to do to him, what had been done to me. This happened to me not to long after, me having been in love with a friend myself and so because I loved him so much as a friend, and I wanted my friend to be happy. I did not want my friend who I cared about only in a platonice way to be hurt because of me.
Yes, after I distanced myself from him, I missed him all the time, but it was easier for me to let him go and allow him to find love somewhere else, with someone who could give him what I could not. I believed that it was easier for me to control the situation as the person who wasn't in love. Because I knew that we would never be a couple. I did not want him to start having ideas or false hopes, where there were none. I think by now, at my age, I pretty much know what I like or dislike. I knew that my platonic feelings would always be just that. And although I would sometimes miss him terribly, because I missed my friend. The most loving thing for me to do as a friend, was to stay away from him. I refused to lead my friend on, I loved him too much as a person, to do something so horrible. THAT WOULD HAVE NOT BEEN COOL!
After the heart breaking experience I had been through with the other friend, who sort of led me on and then didn't really love me back in a romantic way, I began to be more mindful of the roles male friends play in my life and the roles I play in theirs. Friendships are important in our lives, we need people we could talk to and trust. And so it is this same reason, why we need to treat our friends with love and respect. It is this same reason why we should be honest to them, and want them to be happy. Leading your friend on, is not being a friend at all.
After that, I also decided that I absolutely refuse to be the girl in the bleachers. If I'm not the one kissing my friend that I'm in love with, I don't want to be your friend at all. Especially if I think that the other person is using the fact that I may have romantic feelings for them, to their advantage. Who needs friends like that? friends, true friends, are not selfish, it's not about me me me, it's about if I love you as a human being and you love me to marry me, and I can't give you that, then the most loving thing I can do as your friend, is let you go. Why would I want my friend who is in love with me, to watch me from the bleachers? Isn't friendship love about wanting to see our friends happy? How is my friend who is in love with me watching me kiss someone else making them happy? THAT'S HORRIBLE!
So, be careful not to be the friend kissing while the one who loves you watches on. Remember, you never know in life, when you may be the one in the bleachers. Do to others, what you want to be done to you. Be kind to your friends.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9dADn6KDS-s
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