Yesterday afternoon I started thinking about my personality and how I love to do little things for the people I care about (or man I'm in a relationship with). I started thinking about my very loving nature, how I love to give little gifts and how in my marriage, I was the one who always kept things interesting. I would come up with all kinds of creative games for him and I to play when I felt like our relationship was boring, and I am not referring to sexual games I am referring to silly stupid things that make relationships and life interesting and fun.
One time, I came up with this silly game in which because we both loved kissing (so much so that I knew our marriage was over when we stopped kissing) I told him that who ever kissed the other first through out that day, would be the looser and I challenged him not to kiss me. That game was so much fun, the whole day we teased each other and had a blast with it, we would come up with little ways to try and get the other to kiss each other and we would end up laughing so hard because it was really really hard. Then, one of us would forget, mostly him and I would trick him into kissing me. I forget, but I feel like we did that more then once. Of course this is a stupid game, but these are the little things that make relationships so special, the little things that "we do together" Other times, I would surprise him with breakfast in bed, I would make him whatever his favorite meal was and I would wake him up to a bunch of kisses and his favorite breakfast. This is only a few of the things I would do, now that I think about it and realize that I was clearly more in love with him then him with me (he never really did anything back) or maybe he wasn't as creative, I also realize that because I am spanish and was always thought to "take care of my man" I did that as well, I ALWAYS took care of my man, if you know what I mean?
Then I kept thinking about how I have wasted all these little gestures of love, with all the people that for the last almost four years in October (that's how long I've been single) have been in and quickly out of my life draining me of energy, time, resources and my creative ideas that I can do for someone who truly deserves it. And then I remembered, the time right after I had broken up with my ex husband and felt like If I didn't have a man in my life, who was I? because I had always been in a relationship since 16 years old and didn't know or understood how it was to be alone.
So I had signed up to E-Harmoney.com to "find the one" I signed up for it right after "the one" I had just broken up with. In addition to singing up to E-Harmoney.com I had also signed up to a bunch of other dating sites as that was the "new way" to meet people. I have to say, that out of all the dating sites that I had visited, E-Harmoney was definitely one of the best one's. I signed up but quickly realized that all the fine gentlemen on that site, were serious individuals looking for true love and commitment. I got off because I realized that one, I was not ready for such a thing and two, I was already in love with someone and it would not be fair for me to almost use one person to forget someone else. In addition, I was asked to pay and Jazzy don't roll like that, I was like hell no! I refuse to pay to find a man! and I just felt overwhelmed by the whole thing and decided that I loved being single.
I got off all the dating sites and just went on with my life, meeting people in different ways and learning about myself and men in the process. Yesterday however, I decided that maybe it is time for me to find "the one" and I came up with this whole plan of how I would be off from school this summer and therefore would have time to date and meet "him" because I would have about 4 free months to get to know him and by the time school starts since he will be so awesome and understanding, and not needy of my wonderful love and attention 24/7 then he would be ok with our conflicting schedules and the fact that I would not be able to spend every last minute of my time with him. I also nearly wrote my action plan on paper on how this whole thing was going to work out for me. Talk about confidence! I even imagined how we would be madly in love by the start of the fall semester WTF!.
After coming up with this master plan I did what any normal person would do and I ran to my wonderful friends with the idea that I would start a blog series on how I will be finding love on E-Harmoney.com and my friends thought it was a cool idea. They laughed at the fact that I had this whole "mathematical formula in place" for meeting "the one." I told my friends that for a long time, I didn't want to be with anyone because I was in love with someone, and I just don't think it was fair to love one person and start a relationship with another, how re-bounds don't work and I want to go into something fresh. Fall in love like I have never been in true love in my life! they thought sometimes it is necessary to be with someone to forget another and I just said that I really felt like I was finally ok with going for it. So, they did what friends do best, and encouraged me to go for it and how it would be cool for me to blog about it, letting the world go with me on this journey of finding love on the internet.
So after discussing it with my girls, I got in my car all excited and put some loud music on and started singing my ass off getting all excited about "him" OMG! how will he look? OMG! I can't wait for him to hold me! OMG! KISSESS TONS AND TONS OF UNLIMITED KISSES! it will be sooooo great to have SEX! I CAN'T WAIT! OMG! I'm going to treat him like a KING! I will add happiness to his already happy life, and he will add happiness to my already happy life! and then.... all of a sudden....it happened....... I felt this anxious nerve wrecking feeling, my stomach got tight and I felt like throwing up my hands became really sweaty and I couldn't breath, it was soooo bad in fact, that I had to open up the car window to get some air. After calming down a bit I realized one very important thing and that was, that Jazzy is really afraid of commitment or rather, I am afraid to go looking for it.
I know exactly what I want in terms of a man, down to how I want him to look, of course you can never have EXACTLY what you are looking for, but it's good to have an idea of the important things you want from a person you will be in a relationship with. I know what I want and that is obviously the first step. But, I just can't see it happening by me looking on some website at pictures and people's profiles, I need to feel that feeling, that WOW as I have always liked to call it, that magic that you feel when you see him for the first time, the feeling that you get of nervousness that you start saying stupid things and you can't stay still. I have felt that before in my life, I felt it with the people that I had long term relationships with and that is why, I know, that that feeling is true genuine and real. After getting hyped up about the E-Harmoney thing, I decided not to do it, of course I get lonely at times, HELLO! I'M A HUMUN BEING! but I just can't see myself looking for love on line. I have to say that I think it's definitely a great tool for people to find someone special though, I have heard really great stories and I am not saying that I won't consider it maybe at some other point in my life. But I just don't think this is the time.
For now however, although I will not be able to share some crazy E-Harmoney stories with you, I promise you this. I am sure when and if I meet this wonderful man that is out there with a bunch of dumb broads aka TOADS that have not a clue of what they want, where they are going, what they need, or how to take care of their man. The minute him and I see each other and things flow as smooth as sailing, I will most definitely blog about it. He will be so awesome in fact and respectful of my blog and my reason for writing it and my future goals and dreams and ideas with it, that he will be more then happy that I am going to write about him and our love story. I don't know if this will happen this summer, next summer, two or ten years from now, but what I do know is, that I will not get nervous and anxious or scared or wanting to throw up at the thought of him.
Until then though, I plan on having myself a grand fun summer, one filled with new stories to share with you. This will be my last summer being in my 30's and although I am freaking the hell out about turning 40 in October, I am ready to take on a new challenge that will be my 40's a new wonderful time in my life. I am blessed to have made it this far in life in terms of my age, there is not one thing I regret about what I have done. I will enjoy this summer as a single woman, because who know's, maybe "the one" although I don't really believe there is such a thing sometimes, I have to believe that there are definitely souls that come into our lives for a specific purpose, leave quickly but we get to share wonderful experiences with. Or maybe, there is such a thing as "the one" and I just haven't found mine, obviously, since I am single.
Stay tuned.....
One time, I came up with this silly game in which because we both loved kissing (so much so that I knew our marriage was over when we stopped kissing) I told him that who ever kissed the other first through out that day, would be the looser and I challenged him not to kiss me. That game was so much fun, the whole day we teased each other and had a blast with it, we would come up with little ways to try and get the other to kiss each other and we would end up laughing so hard because it was really really hard. Then, one of us would forget, mostly him and I would trick him into kissing me. I forget, but I feel like we did that more then once. Of course this is a stupid game, but these are the little things that make relationships so special, the little things that "we do together" Other times, I would surprise him with breakfast in bed, I would make him whatever his favorite meal was and I would wake him up to a bunch of kisses and his favorite breakfast. This is only a few of the things I would do, now that I think about it and realize that I was clearly more in love with him then him with me (he never really did anything back) or maybe he wasn't as creative, I also realize that because I am spanish and was always thought to "take care of my man" I did that as well, I ALWAYS took care of my man, if you know what I mean?
Then I kept thinking about how I have wasted all these little gestures of love, with all the people that for the last almost four years in October (that's how long I've been single) have been in and quickly out of my life draining me of energy, time, resources and my creative ideas that I can do for someone who truly deserves it. And then I remembered, the time right after I had broken up with my ex husband and felt like If I didn't have a man in my life, who was I? because I had always been in a relationship since 16 years old and didn't know or understood how it was to be alone.
So I had signed up to E-Harmoney.com to "find the one" I signed up for it right after "the one" I had just broken up with. In addition to singing up to E-Harmoney.com I had also signed up to a bunch of other dating sites as that was the "new way" to meet people. I have to say, that out of all the dating sites that I had visited, E-Harmoney was definitely one of the best one's. I signed up but quickly realized that all the fine gentlemen on that site, were serious individuals looking for true love and commitment. I got off because I realized that one, I was not ready for such a thing and two, I was already in love with someone and it would not be fair for me to almost use one person to forget someone else. In addition, I was asked to pay and Jazzy don't roll like that, I was like hell no! I refuse to pay to find a man! and I just felt overwhelmed by the whole thing and decided that I loved being single.
I got off all the dating sites and just went on with my life, meeting people in different ways and learning about myself and men in the process. Yesterday however, I decided that maybe it is time for me to find "the one" and I came up with this whole plan of how I would be off from school this summer and therefore would have time to date and meet "him" because I would have about 4 free months to get to know him and by the time school starts since he will be so awesome and understanding, and not needy of my wonderful love and attention 24/7 then he would be ok with our conflicting schedules and the fact that I would not be able to spend every last minute of my time with him. I also nearly wrote my action plan on paper on how this whole thing was going to work out for me. Talk about confidence! I even imagined how we would be madly in love by the start of the fall semester WTF!.
After coming up with this master plan I did what any normal person would do and I ran to my wonderful friends with the idea that I would start a blog series on how I will be finding love on E-Harmoney.com and my friends thought it was a cool idea. They laughed at the fact that I had this whole "mathematical formula in place" for meeting "the one." I told my friends that for a long time, I didn't want to be with anyone because I was in love with someone, and I just don't think it was fair to love one person and start a relationship with another, how re-bounds don't work and I want to go into something fresh. Fall in love like I have never been in true love in my life! they thought sometimes it is necessary to be with someone to forget another and I just said that I really felt like I was finally ok with going for it. So, they did what friends do best, and encouraged me to go for it and how it would be cool for me to blog about it, letting the world go with me on this journey of finding love on the internet.
So after discussing it with my girls, I got in my car all excited and put some loud music on and started singing my ass off getting all excited about "him" OMG! how will he look? OMG! I can't wait for him to hold me! OMG! KISSESS TONS AND TONS OF UNLIMITED KISSES! it will be sooooo great to have SEX! I CAN'T WAIT! OMG! I'm going to treat him like a KING! I will add happiness to his already happy life, and he will add happiness to my already happy life! and then.... all of a sudden....it happened....... I felt this anxious nerve wrecking feeling, my stomach got tight and I felt like throwing up my hands became really sweaty and I couldn't breath, it was soooo bad in fact, that I had to open up the car window to get some air. After calming down a bit I realized one very important thing and that was, that Jazzy is really afraid of commitment or rather, I am afraid to go looking for it.
I know exactly what I want in terms of a man, down to how I want him to look, of course you can never have EXACTLY what you are looking for, but it's good to have an idea of the important things you want from a person you will be in a relationship with. I know what I want and that is obviously the first step. But, I just can't see it happening by me looking on some website at pictures and people's profiles, I need to feel that feeling, that WOW as I have always liked to call it, that magic that you feel when you see him for the first time, the feeling that you get of nervousness that you start saying stupid things and you can't stay still. I have felt that before in my life, I felt it with the people that I had long term relationships with and that is why, I know, that that feeling is true genuine and real. After getting hyped up about the E-Harmoney thing, I decided not to do it, of course I get lonely at times, HELLO! I'M A HUMUN BEING! but I just can't see myself looking for love on line. I have to say that I think it's definitely a great tool for people to find someone special though, I have heard really great stories and I am not saying that I won't consider it maybe at some other point in my life. But I just don't think this is the time.
For now however, although I will not be able to share some crazy E-Harmoney stories with you, I promise you this. I am sure when and if I meet this wonderful man that is out there with a bunch of dumb broads aka TOADS that have not a clue of what they want, where they are going, what they need, or how to take care of their man. The minute him and I see each other and things flow as smooth as sailing, I will most definitely blog about it. He will be so awesome in fact and respectful of my blog and my reason for writing it and my future goals and dreams and ideas with it, that he will be more then happy that I am going to write about him and our love story. I don't know if this will happen this summer, next summer, two or ten years from now, but what I do know is, that I will not get nervous and anxious or scared or wanting to throw up at the thought of him.
Until then though, I plan on having myself a grand fun summer, one filled with new stories to share with you. This will be my last summer being in my 30's and although I am freaking the hell out about turning 40 in October, I am ready to take on a new challenge that will be my 40's a new wonderful time in my life. I am blessed to have made it this far in life in terms of my age, there is not one thing I regret about what I have done. I will enjoy this summer as a single woman, because who know's, maybe "the one" although I don't really believe there is such a thing sometimes, I have to believe that there are definitely souls that come into our lives for a specific purpose, leave quickly but we get to share wonderful experiences with. Or maybe, there is such a thing as "the one" and I just haven't found mine, obviously, since I am single.
Stay tuned.....
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