LISTEN TO YOUR OWN VOICE. WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?

You ever wanted to say something to someone, but then although in your mind you were thinking it, you knew damn well you couldn’t let those words out of your mouth? Yeah I KNOW! That is the worst thing eva! Especially when the response you're thinking about is the one you really really really want to say out loud, but you know it would not have a good outcome.  This is in my opinion usually a hard thing to do, it’s even harder, when you are like me, who has NO… as one of my good friends told me “filter system” which means, that I usually speak my mind, and it is EXTREMELY hard for me not to say EXACTLY what I want to. 

When I was attending my Philosophy works classes, we were given an exercise, were we were told, that we should try to listen to our own voices when we spoke.  The outcome of what we heard was to assist us with noticing if we were saying to much or too little or if we needed to not say anything at all. 

Being the big mouth that I have always been, this was really difficult for me to do, but I felt that I should most definitely give it a chance.  For that week, I began to try really hard to listen to myself speak, what I found, was that I was saying way more than necessary.  Yes, for people that know me, this may not come as a shocker, I DO talk too much, but this wasn’t about that, it was more about figuring out what it was that you are actually meaning when you are speaking? Does it serve a good purpose? Is it effective?  Should it be said? Is it being received the way you are intending?  Are you saying too much? Are you not saying enough? Are your thoughts being put forth effectively? Or are you leaving the receiver still wondering what message you are trying to share? Are those thoughts that you are not letting out, in fact thoughts that you should in fact be sharing? etc. Listening to our own voices is really difficult. 

When I did this, I found that most often than not, we tend to go off on tangents in the conversations that we have with people, this may be appropriate sometimes, others it may not be. 

I had forgotten all about that exercise and then the other day, I began to think about It.  I decided that I needed to really learn to practice it.   I ALWAYS have to speak my mind I ALWAYS have to tell people EXACTLY what I need to, but in the long run, what purpose is it serving? Most of the time, they just ignore what I say altogether, because they themselves have a problem, they don’t know how to express maybe what they need to say to me and so I am left saying things without receiving feedback.  When this happens, I am often left to wonder what is my purpose? why say anything?  

I often wonder, why is it that it's so difficult for us humans to communicate in an effective manner as to alleviate all the drama that comes with saying too much or not saying enough? Imagine if we all listened to our own voices, and said what we were thinking, but said it in a way that was so effective because we were listening to ourselves speak, thus allowing ourselves to say exactly what it was we needed to say and then, the person receiving would do the same and would in turn allow themselves to give the correct feedback and share their actual thoughts but in an effective manner by listening to the words as they are coming out by paying attention to things.  CAN YOU IMAGINE! How much better it would be and how many misunderstandings would be avoided?

I feel like I try to communicate effectively as much as humanly possible, however, as I already stated, I say more than I should sometimes.  My experience is, that sometimes, some of the people I communicate with the one's who matter the most in my life, more often than not, won’t say enough, which in turn usually leaves the conversations incomplete and the communication ineffective as a whole.

Below are two examples of what I am referring to in my above observation about myself.   I will write two conversations that I had with two different individuals to kind of show you how I am trying to use this method in my life:

First Conversation: - Listening to myself speak

Him – You know you want to marry me!

Me – Yeah ok, you’re funny hahaha…

What I really wanted to say: WHO WOULDN’T WANT TO MARRY YOU? YOU'RE SO AWESOME! Your intelligent, handsome, funny, a bit moody but no one is perfect!

Result of the conversation.  After I said that, we both laughed and the subject changed.  In reality, I don’t want to marry him (those types of decisions take years to make) but, I do really believe in my heart that he is a great guy and that any woman will be lucky to marry him some day.  However, if I would of said that, would he have married me? Would it change our relationship? Or would it have sent him running and left him maybe thinking that deep down inside I did indeed want to marry him? So, what would of been the point of me going on about how anyone would be crazy not to marry him! Do you see what I’m saying?

I remember that as I said that, I listened to my voice and I was about to go on and on, and tell him what I was thinking, but hearing myself say what I did, I thought to myself, you already said enough!  And the topic was dropped and we laughed and moved on. 

Yes of course telling someone they are marriage material is a very nice compliment in my opinion, but in reality, because of the situation or because of the person I was speaking to, I didn’t feel it would have been an appropriate answer.

Second Conversation different individual: Not listening to my voice.

Me – I’m really excited because I get to go back to my philosophy works workshop, I love going to those classes, I always leave there feeling really happy!

Him – Yeah, and because you’re going to see some guy!

Me – That’s not why I am going…. And I continued going on and on about how you can love someone but dislike them tremendously and on and on Jazzy went, I didn’t even hear myself I just kept going and going like the energizer bunny, at this point, he looked like he lost all focus on the conversation. 

After the conversation was over, I was so mad at myself for having said all I did, because at the end of the day I didn’t really need to.

What I really wanted to say:  What the hell is it to you if I was going to see some guy!!!!??? Do I care when you go out on your Fu$&ing dates! I can’t even believe you’re even saying that, why should you care?

Had I listened to my own voice as I went on this tangent and caught myself in time, the most appropriate thing would of probably been for me to say “no I am not” and at that point although my mind was racing with angry thoughts and a bunch of things I did want to say, but I couldn't say them because they were inappropriate, I went on the tangent. 

But if I would of heard myself saying “NO I’M NOT” then my anger would of subsided, because I would of known that the truth was being said, that I was speaking the truth, and that “some guy” is not why I am going back. 

In addition, I would of saved myself from rambling on and on giving him an explanation as to how I wasn’t going because of “some guy” which in turn served no purpose because he was already lost in his own thing, no longer caring what my explanation was. 

After that conversation all my rambling just caused me to become bitter and really annoyed.   I was so angry! I am a single woman and I can do pretty much what I want.  In addition, what the hell was that comment for? maybe that person needs to tell me what is really on his mind? maybe he needs to communicate effectively with me, and maybe by doing so, he will realize,  that “that guy” doesn’t really matter anymore.   

When I went to the classes, I told “that guy” that I had wanted to go because of him, at the end of the sessions I told “that guy” that it was no longer about him and he knew.  He knew that, because he knows me better than I know myself.  So, I went on and on giving someone an explanation which was unnecessary because the explanation had already been given to the individual it pertained to. 

I did not listen to myself speak and by not doing so, it caused me anger and sharing of information that was not important to share with the person making the comment.   

I like this practice, it is in my opinion a very effective way to learn how to manage our thoughts and the things we want to say to people.  Effective communication can save people so much grief.  As valuable as communication is in life, it should definitely be something we constantly be mindful of.  In listening to our own voice, we are enabling ourselves to hear what we are saying and alleviate the stresses that ineffective communication may cause. So, I will most definitely try to continue to practice this very useful tool for everyday living.  It's quite important to me, to stop being a big mouth and start being a better more effective communicator.