I sat in the library with a bunch of memorized formulas in my mind, not knowing what the hell they represented or how they were going to be applied to the problem, and all of a sudden I realized what I was so afraid to admit, which was my defeat, Statistics had beat me. I put my head down on my book and started to cry, I was crying feeling helpless and really stupid. I felt like I was about to fail myself, fail my children. What would people think? Why couldn't I get this?
Since last Sunday, all I have done is think, breath, eat, smell and talk statistics, it's has been driving me crazy. Last week, as I was sitting in class and my professor started yet a new topic when I was just grasping the one before which I still had not gotten, I looked at my good friend and whispered, "I'm leaving" he looked at me and said no, stay, I am going to help you. And that is exactly what he did. I love this guy, he had patience with me, he took time out of his life to help me, he even made jokes about his life to help me remember and I go it, I knew it while he was sitting next to me becuase I knew the formula I had memorized it visually, and all I needed to do was close my eyes and there it was the sum of something times something minus something or the other equals something else. I was ready for this test I could do it! But then, my friend was not able to meet me and I felt like ok, I got this, this is a piece of cake. I sat in the library with my book open reading the problem, and as I read it, I realized, that I had no idea what I was doing. It was so bad, that I didn't even remember basic divisions and decimal points and all that other funs stuff.
I have a blog post that I wrote a few weeks ago about my horrible professor, about how he was some big creepy mean monster who was out to get me, about how I was going to defeat him. I was thinking of posting that blog post after I was done with my class, after I got that B that I had to get because Jazzy doesn't fail, because I had to prove to him and everybody, that I could do it because Jazzy doesn't quit, Jazzy can do it all! But as I sat in the library completely blank, I realized one very important thing and that thing was, that I had been lying to everyone, including myself because my ego wouldn't let me accept that I couldn't do it and that I had absolutely no idea what I was doing, and I felt stupid and that was un heard of. And that's when I began to cry.
Why did I cry? I realized in that moment something I learned while attending my Philosphy works worskshop, and that was, that I wasn't crying because of me, because of who I am, this wasn't about me personally, this was about something else, it was about Jazzy's EGO! How dare I let my ego down, what were people going to think? what would my class mates say about me? would it confirm to the girl that sat behind me who had once murmured the word dumb under her breath when I couldn't get an answer that I was indeed that? that the spanish girl was trully dumb? that I was a dumb woman who didn't know this stuff? What about my co workers? the one's I had been complaining to from the very beginning telling them this stuff was hard, what would they think? that I was a quitter? and what about my friend, who had been so kind as to take time out of his Sunday afternoon just to help me out, I was going to let him down he would think I was just a dumb woman. And what about him, would he think I was so dumb that I wasn't good enough? There it was, I was crying because my ego wouldn't allow me to accept that I had way too much on my plate. That I was no super woman, that I couldn't fly through the sky and take on this monster called professor and show him who was boss! that I didn't have a cape or a tight sexy red suit and that the only thing I was really doing, was getting sick and depressed and stressed out because of my EGO.
I had stayed in this class up until that moment, simply because Jazzy doesn't quit! Jazzy is too good for that, Jazzy can handle anything! or rather, my EGO was pushing me to do that, my ego was blinding me from the reality that I had identified from the very beginning. I was not prepare to take this class, I had not seen a math problem in over 11 years, who the hell did I think I was? Go to hell EGO!
I am Jazzy, I will never stop trying and I will definitely not give up but not because I have to prove anything to anyone, I want to go to class and learn, know what my professor is talking about. When I walk down the isle some day to receive my degree, I want to do it, knowing, that I worked really hard and that if someone asks me to find out the probability of something, I will be able to do so, because I learned it. I know now that I am no superwoman, I know that I have to better prepare first before I take this class again. I know that I need to slow down and stop thinking I am some sort of super hero, I am not. I am me, I have to be true to only me regardless of other people's opinion about me.
One of my classmates told me that she was sad to know that I would not be in the class anymore another one of my classmates told me that he felt bad because I had just wasted all that time and then I thought about my philosophy works workshop again and I thought to myself, what beauty did I find about this experience and so to him the following. I told him, that I had spent 8 weeks with a bunch of truly great intelligent individuals, that I had met him and that he was awesome, I had the opportunity to spend quality learning time with my friend who I love, I didn't really loose anything I gained a bunch of things.
The best part is, that I was able to enroll for the next 10 sessions of my Philosphy works workshop, where I will again, be sorrounded by wonderful people and I will continue to learn, how to let go of all these wordly things that in the long run, mean nothing. When I die, the only thing I will take with me, is my soul and that's the one I need to truly be working on. Who cares if people think I'm dumb! I know who I am and that is what truly matters. I know my heart, I know my brain. So, I say to you you monster called EGO, leave my life because I do not need you!
Since last Sunday, all I have done is think, breath, eat, smell and talk statistics, it's has been driving me crazy. Last week, as I was sitting in class and my professor started yet a new topic when I was just grasping the one before which I still had not gotten, I looked at my good friend and whispered, "I'm leaving" he looked at me and said no, stay, I am going to help you. And that is exactly what he did. I love this guy, he had patience with me, he took time out of his life to help me, he even made jokes about his life to help me remember and I go it, I knew it while he was sitting next to me becuase I knew the formula I had memorized it visually, and all I needed to do was close my eyes and there it was the sum of something times something minus something or the other equals something else. I was ready for this test I could do it! But then, my friend was not able to meet me and I felt like ok, I got this, this is a piece of cake. I sat in the library with my book open reading the problem, and as I read it, I realized, that I had no idea what I was doing. It was so bad, that I didn't even remember basic divisions and decimal points and all that other funs stuff.
I have a blog post that I wrote a few weeks ago about my horrible professor, about how he was some big creepy mean monster who was out to get me, about how I was going to defeat him. I was thinking of posting that blog post after I was done with my class, after I got that B that I had to get because Jazzy doesn't fail, because I had to prove to him and everybody, that I could do it because Jazzy doesn't quit, Jazzy can do it all! But as I sat in the library completely blank, I realized one very important thing and that thing was, that I had been lying to everyone, including myself because my ego wouldn't let me accept that I couldn't do it and that I had absolutely no idea what I was doing, and I felt stupid and that was un heard of. And that's when I began to cry.
Why did I cry? I realized in that moment something I learned while attending my Philosphy works worskshop, and that was, that I wasn't crying because of me, because of who I am, this wasn't about me personally, this was about something else, it was about Jazzy's EGO! How dare I let my ego down, what were people going to think? what would my class mates say about me? would it confirm to the girl that sat behind me who had once murmured the word dumb under her breath when I couldn't get an answer that I was indeed that? that the spanish girl was trully dumb? that I was a dumb woman who didn't know this stuff? What about my co workers? the one's I had been complaining to from the very beginning telling them this stuff was hard, what would they think? that I was a quitter? and what about my friend, who had been so kind as to take time out of his Sunday afternoon just to help me out, I was going to let him down he would think I was just a dumb woman. And what about him, would he think I was so dumb that I wasn't good enough? There it was, I was crying because my ego wouldn't allow me to accept that I had way too much on my plate. That I was no super woman, that I couldn't fly through the sky and take on this monster called professor and show him who was boss! that I didn't have a cape or a tight sexy red suit and that the only thing I was really doing, was getting sick and depressed and stressed out because of my EGO.
I had stayed in this class up until that moment, simply because Jazzy doesn't quit! Jazzy is too good for that, Jazzy can handle anything! or rather, my EGO was pushing me to do that, my ego was blinding me from the reality that I had identified from the very beginning. I was not prepare to take this class, I had not seen a math problem in over 11 years, who the hell did I think I was? Go to hell EGO!
I am Jazzy, I will never stop trying and I will definitely not give up but not because I have to prove anything to anyone, I want to go to class and learn, know what my professor is talking about. When I walk down the isle some day to receive my degree, I want to do it, knowing, that I worked really hard and that if someone asks me to find out the probability of something, I will be able to do so, because I learned it. I know now that I am no superwoman, I know that I have to better prepare first before I take this class again. I know that I need to slow down and stop thinking I am some sort of super hero, I am not. I am me, I have to be true to only me regardless of other people's opinion about me.
One of my classmates told me that she was sad to know that I would not be in the class anymore another one of my classmates told me that he felt bad because I had just wasted all that time and then I thought about my philosophy works workshop again and I thought to myself, what beauty did I find about this experience and so to him the following. I told him, that I had spent 8 weeks with a bunch of truly great intelligent individuals, that I had met him and that he was awesome, I had the opportunity to spend quality learning time with my friend who I love, I didn't really loose anything I gained a bunch of things.
The best part is, that I was able to enroll for the next 10 sessions of my Philosphy works workshop, where I will again, be sorrounded by wonderful people and I will continue to learn, how to let go of all these wordly things that in the long run, mean nothing. When I die, the only thing I will take with me, is my soul and that's the one I need to truly be working on. Who cares if people think I'm dumb! I know who I am and that is what truly matters. I know my heart, I know my brain. So, I say to you you monster called EGO, leave my life because I do not need you!
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