What can I say other then the fact that I lied through my yellow (well their not really that yellow I hope) teeth. The worst part is, I didn't even know I was lying until the night before, when all of a sudden a burst of happiness entered my heart and I began to feel anxious with excitement, so excited that soon, I would be seeing him again. Oh but how could this be true? what was happening?? did I not write a whole blog telling the world that I was not going to be attending a class because of this person? what was going on Jazzy???
At first I was in denial of the truth, the truth being that I was indeed going to attend because of him maybe, or was I? but If I wasn't attending because of him, then why did I feel so happy? and so I began to accept this as the truth. Then I did what any normal girl would do in this situation, I ran to a friend and told him that I had to admit to someone anyone, that I was so extremely happy because on that day, I was going to see my love! and If I could of yelled it at the top of my lungs as I ran, then I probably would of! MY LOVE! but maybe I should not tell anyone, because me loving him was wrong, it was wrong because he did not love me back.
But I told my friend and he was awesome enough to tell me that it was ok to love him, however, he felt that I had to accept and be ok with the fact that I could not think of him as someone who I would spend my life with. After my friend said this to me, I told him that I had accepted this truth long ago, however that did not change the fact, that I was still in love with him and that I would be seeing him and that I could not wait!
The whole day, the excitement kept me going, my smile was one that I could not control, My love and I in the same space, breathing the same air! why how could this happiness even be possible? but why then did I feel a bit guilty? why then, did I feel like I was doing something wrong?
As I was walking to the class, I felt really guilty, I felt as though I had lied to someone else, I felt like I had not only been in complete denial of my own feelings, lying to myself, but also I had lied to someone who was beginning to matter to me and shouldn't. I had been annoyed at the fact that he had made a comment where he was merely expressing to me, the truth that he believed about why I was really attending this course, yet I was in such denial, that I had refused to acknowledge what was clear to him or maybe I just didn't know that I still felt this way. I had been struggling with this for so many years, that I just wanted to be over it already, but I am not. I love him and that is the truth! no I don't love him, I am in love with him.
Now, I had to let him know, because I had also lied to him as well, I had told him on that last night we saw each other, that me attending those classes was not about him. I wasn't going to lie to my love, because I had never lied to him before, he is probably one of the only people in the world, that I have always been completely honest with about everything. So I did what I know to do best, I wrote him a letter and told him that he was the reason or at least one of the reasons why I would be attending this course and that I loved him still, and that I had lied to myself, to him and to everyone who had read my blog post.
In addition, I had also lied to someone else who I wasn't sure I needed to give an explanation to, because it probably didn't really matter to him, however, I almost wished that he would read this and know, that I never intended to lie, that I wasn't sure of my feelings but that I was sorry, and that the thing I was most sorry about, was the fact that he could see what I was to blind to, he knew me already enough to tell me that I would be attending a course "to see some guy" to my defense, he did not know that this guy, had been my love for over three years and that the story was too long, to weird and to complicated to explain and that only my love and I could ever understand it. I felt guilty for lying to him about why I would attend this course, but mostly I felt guilty for lying to myself.
It is ok to love someone, I have done nothing wrong by loving him the way I have. Love is a beautiful thing! I have loved him for my own reasons that I do not wish to share on this blog. But I have, I do and I am not sure for how long I will. And as I write this and tears roll down my face, at least I know that right this moment I am being honest to him, to myself and to you.
At first I was in denial of the truth, the truth being that I was indeed going to attend because of him maybe, or was I? but If I wasn't attending because of him, then why did I feel so happy? and so I began to accept this as the truth. Then I did what any normal girl would do in this situation, I ran to a friend and told him that I had to admit to someone anyone, that I was so extremely happy because on that day, I was going to see my love! and If I could of yelled it at the top of my lungs as I ran, then I probably would of! MY LOVE! but maybe I should not tell anyone, because me loving him was wrong, it was wrong because he did not love me back.
But I told my friend and he was awesome enough to tell me that it was ok to love him, however, he felt that I had to accept and be ok with the fact that I could not think of him as someone who I would spend my life with. After my friend said this to me, I told him that I had accepted this truth long ago, however that did not change the fact, that I was still in love with him and that I would be seeing him and that I could not wait!
The whole day, the excitement kept me going, my smile was one that I could not control, My love and I in the same space, breathing the same air! why how could this happiness even be possible? but why then did I feel a bit guilty? why then, did I feel like I was doing something wrong?
As I was walking to the class, I felt really guilty, I felt as though I had lied to someone else, I felt like I had not only been in complete denial of my own feelings, lying to myself, but also I had lied to someone who was beginning to matter to me and shouldn't. I had been annoyed at the fact that he had made a comment where he was merely expressing to me, the truth that he believed about why I was really attending this course, yet I was in such denial, that I had refused to acknowledge what was clear to him or maybe I just didn't know that I still felt this way. I had been struggling with this for so many years, that I just wanted to be over it already, but I am not. I love him and that is the truth! no I don't love him, I am in love with him.
Now, I had to let him know, because I had also lied to him as well, I had told him on that last night we saw each other, that me attending those classes was not about him. I wasn't going to lie to my love, because I had never lied to him before, he is probably one of the only people in the world, that I have always been completely honest with about everything. So I did what I know to do best, I wrote him a letter and told him that he was the reason or at least one of the reasons why I would be attending this course and that I loved him still, and that I had lied to myself, to him and to everyone who had read my blog post.
In addition, I had also lied to someone else who I wasn't sure I needed to give an explanation to, because it probably didn't really matter to him, however, I almost wished that he would read this and know, that I never intended to lie, that I wasn't sure of my feelings but that I was sorry, and that the thing I was most sorry about, was the fact that he could see what I was to blind to, he knew me already enough to tell me that I would be attending a course "to see some guy" to my defense, he did not know that this guy, had been my love for over three years and that the story was too long, to weird and to complicated to explain and that only my love and I could ever understand it. I felt guilty for lying to him about why I would attend this course, but mostly I felt guilty for lying to myself.
It is ok to love someone, I have done nothing wrong by loving him the way I have. Love is a beautiful thing! I have loved him for my own reasons that I do not wish to share on this blog. But I have, I do and I am not sure for how long I will. And as I write this and tears roll down my face, at least I know that right this moment I am being honest to him, to myself and to you.
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