JOURNAL ENTRY 8-24-11

Dear Journal:

I must begin this entry by telling you that I am really really happy, the reason for my happiness, is that I was at my school yesterday finishing up some paper work so that I can start classes on Sunday.  I bet when I sound excited about studying, there are probably some that think I’m weird, Journal, I am as weird as they come, but I like it.  In addition to being weird, I am very slow about things at times, but I am ok with all of this, because I am human and being human, means, not being perfect!

Yes, tis true, I cannot wait to enter that classroom on Sunday, because that means that I am one step closer to making my dream become a reality.  It is happening right before my eyes, my dream of having my degree, the dream that I have waited for, for over 10 years.  As I write this, I get anxious and excited, because I have never wanted anything so badly in my life. 

What else can I report dear journal, well, I told my friend last night, that I have decided to become celibate, yes, I am.  I made this decision because finding a suitable sexual partner has become such a dramatic experience, that I just sort of gave up.  Yes, I can go out meet people and sleep around, but I don’t feel comfortable doing such things.  My body is my temple and I have to respect it as such.  I try really hard to treat people with love and respect, and I must admit that I treated someone with very little of that, and he did not deserve such treatment and I will try to see him soon and tell him that I am sorry. 

Having sex for revenge never leaves you feeling good and I am not that person, the one that does things because she is angry at someone else, or at least, I did not think to be that person, but I allowed myself to do it and now I feel that I have not behaved well, not only did I treat someone with disrespect, but I cheated myself and my feelings.  No, I do not have a boyfriend to be faithful too, but I do have myself to be faithful to, I have my feelings to be faithful too and I cheated myself.

So, because having sex is this huge dramatical dilemma in my life, I decided not to have sex and this way, it is one less thing that I have to worry about.  I am sure I will miss it and I am not sure how long I will be able to do this for, but I have gone for long periods of times before without planning it, so I figured as long as I don’t think about it (which I’m sure I will) then I won’t miss it much. 

I was running and studying and attending my philosophy classes and just enjoying life and I felt really happy, then I began to think about sex and it sort of made things difficult, sex is not suppose to be that hard, sex is just a thing we do because we are human, but, along with sex comes all these other things that sometimes we don’t anticipate to happen and all of a sudden, your caught up in all sorts of things.  Is it really worth it? I am not sure.

What else can I tell you journal? Well, the other day, I did something that I could not believe I was doing, I deleted someone from my FB friends.  I have a public page so it doesn’t matter if I delete people or not, but I did it, because I no longer wanted to know things about this person, the reason for that was, that there were things being said about this person that I could not handle, it hurt me and because it is difficult for me to not express my thoughts to people, I decided that what I did not know would not hurt me, so I rather just not know.  Strangely enough, I never thought I would be capable of doing such a thing, like I hear people saying that they delete people off all of the time, but to me, FB is not that serious so I never “clean it out” as people put it, but this one person, I could no longer stand to watch as people said things that in my heart I could not believe and so I just decided that it would be best for me to detach myself from that sort of bad energy that does not serve me or that person any good purpose. 

Sometimes I wish they saw what I did.  I do not like to be part of gossip or anger or these sorts of sentiments that clearly serve no good purpose in my life, sometimes it is best to just take a step back and allow the people that are in those sorts of situations to realize themselves that they are way better then all of that and that they can rise above all that which serves no good purpose to them, but again, that is something we each need to do for ourselves, no one can do it for us.

I live and learn every single day, and I hope that whomever comes across this my journal, can take something from it, something positive and good.  Life is so beautiful and it can be so simple if we really want it that way.  We are the kings/Queens of our lives, I am the Queen of Jazzy!

I am Jazzy and this is my journal, thank you for coming into my world……