Dear Journal:
I feel like I have been neglecting you as of late. Need I say sorry? I am feeling a bit down, because soon, I will probably be neglecting you even more. Today, I received the email that I have been waiting for, telling me that my application for financial aid had been processed, this makes me EXTREMELY happy.
I have to say that I am really excited about starting my classes again. Every time it's time for a new semester, I get all sorts of excited, I love to learn! It's so awesome when you can have a conversation with people about random things other than life and all the drama that comes with it.
The other day, I was having lunch with my friend Rui and him and I started talking about silly facts, he told me something that completely grossed me out, he said that in our life time we will eat about 50 spiders! 50 YUK! Rui is such an intelligent young man, I got really happy when he told me to have lunch with him, he told me about his trip to China and then told me that he loved to hear my stories. I of course had a good one for him as I usually do. He started to laugh and tell me that he couldn't wait until the day I wrote my book, because he knew that it was going to be good. My response to him was, Rui, that is still a long way coming and thank you so very much for believing in me. He's truly awesome, he always encourages me and believes in my goals. I need to remind myself often that people like him are the people I really want to be around and that there are some pretty cool people in my life. Rui just graduated college and already he got himself and awesome job, he's so smart, I LOVE THAT!
What else can I report to you dear journal, I'm afraid my life has taken a toll of the boring lately, but I am perfectly ok with that. The other day, I sent Adam a txt, remember Adam? http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2011/04/meeting-adam.html Anyway, I sent him a message and we began talking about the winter, I told him that my goal for this winter was to find a boyfriend and once I said that, he was very concerned about the fact that we had not seen each other since we met. God men are weird! I lied to the world when I posted the blog about him, I didn't mention that the day I met Adam, we kissed for hours, I enjoyed kissing him very much, but unfortunately for me, I wasn't really into him! OF COURSE! this is pretty much the story of my life. Who is Jazzy ever really into? God I suck!
Sometimes I feel like my love life is a revolving door and every single end of summer for the last maybe 2 years, I have this same conversation with my cousin about "wifing someone" and we laugh about it, and I tell myself I'm going for it and then, I begin to think about it so deeply, that I get that nauseas feeling in my stomach and all of a sudden I just want to throw up and I change my mind.
When did I become this woman who is afraid of commitment and love? It sort of depresses me. I'm so faithful to my single hood, why? it get's so damn lonely sometimes, or when I have some free time at least. I think during each month I go through feeling lonely maybe about 3 times. Mostly when I am pre-menstrual, maybe that's why? Anyway, I told Adam that we definitely need to hang out, but the truth is we probably won't, Adam lacks something, but I don't know what? They always lack something.
Maybe I'm the one lacking lots of things, like being affectionate and sweet, I try my hardest to be that way, but I feel like I have to force it. My nature is to be really sweet, I love giving my love and being affectionate, but I just can't seem to be able to do it to anyone in a really long time. The minute I catch myself being affectionate in some sort of way, I immediately stop. Wow, I almost feel like I'm becoming this robot who just doesn't really care about men anymore. So I always end up doing the same thing every time, I push people away so they can disappear from my life quickly and I can focus on the things that I am really interested in doing, studying. Or maybe I do that because I don't trust and the minute I want to try to trust, I refuse to do so. Who the hell knows, maybe once I start my Psychology class I can psycho analyze myself, that should be very interesting. Sometimes people think they know me, except that is close to impossible since I sometimes barely know myself WTF!
I am sooooo excited about this semester, my favorite thing about starting new classes is the new cute guys that I hope to have in my class, I'm such a damn flirt! When I start my classes I always make friends with the boys, I'm not really fond of female friendships, I have made some really good guy friends in my school. There are well over 3000 thousand students, so I am sure there will be at least one eye candy to look at for the semester, so MUCH FUN!
I went to the Hamptons the other day and I was supposed to go and party like a rock star and when I got there I was so tired from driving, that I fell asleep, that was the highlight of my trip there. I went to visit my family and had a blast just being around them. Partying doesn't always interest me as much, some times I get in this crazy rock star mood, but for the most part, I kind of don't really enjoy it anymore. I guess this is what they call growing old? but then again, my mom is 62 and party's like a rock star she tells me I am just an unhappy boring person lately. That is not true, it's just that I feel perfectly happy just chilling.
Anyway, on my way back from the Hamptons, I gave this guy a friend of my cousin, a ride back to NY. He was really cool, he told me a bunch of stories about his drug dealing days. The whole time as he was telling me these things, I couldn't help but to keep thinking, damn that's a good story to write. So at some point, I shall. He came back to NY so he could leave to Florida, when I dropped him off he asked to take me out to diner and I declined, I am just not one to lead people on in anyway, I could tell that he was interested in me so I did not want to go anywhere with him and waste his or my time, he was really cool though, I have to admit that I enjoyed my ride to NY with the almost stranger (not really cause he was my cousin's friend, but he was a stranger to me).
I have decided that once class starts, I will be going back into what I like to call my shell. When I'm in my "shell" mode, I feel like I concentrate better and get a lot accomplished. I guess if I'm bored one night or something I can call Adam and go get a beer with him or something, with Adam, I know that he genuinely likes me as a person, we have known each other for over 3 years now, an almost purely texting relationship, it is just the strangest thing ever. But Adam, is ALWAYS there when I need him, I can text him at 7:00 am or 4:00 am and my ever so faithful friend will respond, so strange. The weirdest thing too is that I won't ever think of him or want to talk to him, it will just be some random thing that he will come to my mind and I will send him a message. The other day though, he sent me a message, this is before I sent him the one when we talked about the winter, when I saw his name on my phone I couldn't believe my eyes! Adam NEVER sends me messages, as I said, we talk randomly ever few months. Anyway, I asked him why he was single and he didn't answer my question. I know why though, he is single for the same reason I am, both our hearts were broken pretty bad.
Journal, I am having a hard time trusting, what will I ever do about that? there will eventually be a time where I have to trust someone right? I do not trust and I am afraid that the person that I was hoping would trust me, does not trust me either, this makes me sad. If someone makes you feel sad, I fear that that person has a bit more of your heart that you may have thought? I don't know why, but when this person expressed there distrust to me, it hurt me. Maybe I need to concentrate more on the things that are important like staying focused and not worry about the fact that there are people that will not trust me.
But again, yesterday, after that person showed me that they did not trust in me, and I initially blew off the whole thought, I could not help but continue to think about it today, it was like this little lingering annoying feeling inside of me that I felt I needed to address. It shouldn't have mattered, but it did, more then I thought it should. So I was walking across the Brooklyn Bridge (God I love that bridge) and I expressed my discontent to this person and instead of me getting an, apology as I thought I should have, I got something completely different. For so many people it is so hard to apologize, why is that so? anyway, after not getting the apology I thought I was owed, I stopped somewhere close to the end of the bridge and I looked out into the city, and I began to cry. I started to think about the fact that when I was married, the whole time, I was constantly being accused of things I did not do. Being accused of things you don't do, really sucks and sort of makes you just do them, just cause.
When there is no trust, there pretty much isn't anything. I feel really sad about this, but well, life is life and we just have to accept, try to understand and know that as long as we trust in ourselves, it really doesn't matter what other's opinions of us are. I trust in myself and what I know to be true about me and at the end of the day, I guess that's the important thing.
Good night journal, I am really tired.
I feel like I have been neglecting you as of late. Need I say sorry? I am feeling a bit down, because soon, I will probably be neglecting you even more. Today, I received the email that I have been waiting for, telling me that my application for financial aid had been processed, this makes me EXTREMELY happy.
I have to say that I am really excited about starting my classes again. Every time it's time for a new semester, I get all sorts of excited, I love to learn! It's so awesome when you can have a conversation with people about random things other than life and all the drama that comes with it.
The other day, I was having lunch with my friend Rui and him and I started talking about silly facts, he told me something that completely grossed me out, he said that in our life time we will eat about 50 spiders! 50 YUK! Rui is such an intelligent young man, I got really happy when he told me to have lunch with him, he told me about his trip to China and then told me that he loved to hear my stories. I of course had a good one for him as I usually do. He started to laugh and tell me that he couldn't wait until the day I wrote my book, because he knew that it was going to be good. My response to him was, Rui, that is still a long way coming and thank you so very much for believing in me. He's truly awesome, he always encourages me and believes in my goals. I need to remind myself often that people like him are the people I really want to be around and that there are some pretty cool people in my life. Rui just graduated college and already he got himself and awesome job, he's so smart, I LOVE THAT!
What else can I report to you dear journal, I'm afraid my life has taken a toll of the boring lately, but I am perfectly ok with that. The other day, I sent Adam a txt, remember Adam? http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2011/04/meeting-adam.html Anyway, I sent him a message and we began talking about the winter, I told him that my goal for this winter was to find a boyfriend and once I said that, he was very concerned about the fact that we had not seen each other since we met. God men are weird! I lied to the world when I posted the blog about him, I didn't mention that the day I met Adam, we kissed for hours, I enjoyed kissing him very much, but unfortunately for me, I wasn't really into him! OF COURSE! this is pretty much the story of my life. Who is Jazzy ever really into? God I suck!
Sometimes I feel like my love life is a revolving door and every single end of summer for the last maybe 2 years, I have this same conversation with my cousin about "wifing someone" and we laugh about it, and I tell myself I'm going for it and then, I begin to think about it so deeply, that I get that nauseas feeling in my stomach and all of a sudden I just want to throw up and I change my mind.
When did I become this woman who is afraid of commitment and love? It sort of depresses me. I'm so faithful to my single hood, why? it get's so damn lonely sometimes, or when I have some free time at least. I think during each month I go through feeling lonely maybe about 3 times. Mostly when I am pre-menstrual, maybe that's why? Anyway, I told Adam that we definitely need to hang out, but the truth is we probably won't, Adam lacks something, but I don't know what? They always lack something.
Maybe I'm the one lacking lots of things, like being affectionate and sweet, I try my hardest to be that way, but I feel like I have to force it. My nature is to be really sweet, I love giving my love and being affectionate, but I just can't seem to be able to do it to anyone in a really long time. The minute I catch myself being affectionate in some sort of way, I immediately stop. Wow, I almost feel like I'm becoming this robot who just doesn't really care about men anymore. So I always end up doing the same thing every time, I push people away so they can disappear from my life quickly and I can focus on the things that I am really interested in doing, studying. Or maybe I do that because I don't trust and the minute I want to try to trust, I refuse to do so. Who the hell knows, maybe once I start my Psychology class I can psycho analyze myself, that should be very interesting. Sometimes people think they know me, except that is close to impossible since I sometimes barely know myself WTF!
I am sooooo excited about this semester, my favorite thing about starting new classes is the new cute guys that I hope to have in my class, I'm such a damn flirt! When I start my classes I always make friends with the boys, I'm not really fond of female friendships, I have made some really good guy friends in my school. There are well over 3000 thousand students, so I am sure there will be at least one eye candy to look at for the semester, so MUCH FUN!
I went to the Hamptons the other day and I was supposed to go and party like a rock star and when I got there I was so tired from driving, that I fell asleep, that was the highlight of my trip there. I went to visit my family and had a blast just being around them. Partying doesn't always interest me as much, some times I get in this crazy rock star mood, but for the most part, I kind of don't really enjoy it anymore. I guess this is what they call growing old? but then again, my mom is 62 and party's like a rock star she tells me I am just an unhappy boring person lately. That is not true, it's just that I feel perfectly happy just chilling.
Anyway, on my way back from the Hamptons, I gave this guy a friend of my cousin, a ride back to NY. He was really cool, he told me a bunch of stories about his drug dealing days. The whole time as he was telling me these things, I couldn't help but to keep thinking, damn that's a good story to write. So at some point, I shall. He came back to NY so he could leave to Florida, when I dropped him off he asked to take me out to diner and I declined, I am just not one to lead people on in anyway, I could tell that he was interested in me so I did not want to go anywhere with him and waste his or my time, he was really cool though, I have to admit that I enjoyed my ride to NY with the almost stranger (not really cause he was my cousin's friend, but he was a stranger to me).
I have decided that once class starts, I will be going back into what I like to call my shell. When I'm in my "shell" mode, I feel like I concentrate better and get a lot accomplished. I guess if I'm bored one night or something I can call Adam and go get a beer with him or something, with Adam, I know that he genuinely likes me as a person, we have known each other for over 3 years now, an almost purely texting relationship, it is just the strangest thing ever. But Adam, is ALWAYS there when I need him, I can text him at 7:00 am or 4:00 am and my ever so faithful friend will respond, so strange. The weirdest thing too is that I won't ever think of him or want to talk to him, it will just be some random thing that he will come to my mind and I will send him a message. The other day though, he sent me a message, this is before I sent him the one when we talked about the winter, when I saw his name on my phone I couldn't believe my eyes! Adam NEVER sends me messages, as I said, we talk randomly ever few months. Anyway, I asked him why he was single and he didn't answer my question. I know why though, he is single for the same reason I am, both our hearts were broken pretty bad.
Journal, I am having a hard time trusting, what will I ever do about that? there will eventually be a time where I have to trust someone right? I do not trust and I am afraid that the person that I was hoping would trust me, does not trust me either, this makes me sad. If someone makes you feel sad, I fear that that person has a bit more of your heart that you may have thought? I don't know why, but when this person expressed there distrust to me, it hurt me. Maybe I need to concentrate more on the things that are important like staying focused and not worry about the fact that there are people that will not trust me.
But again, yesterday, after that person showed me that they did not trust in me, and I initially blew off the whole thought, I could not help but continue to think about it today, it was like this little lingering annoying feeling inside of me that I felt I needed to address. It shouldn't have mattered, but it did, more then I thought it should. So I was walking across the Brooklyn Bridge (God I love that bridge) and I expressed my discontent to this person and instead of me getting an, apology as I thought I should have, I got something completely different. For so many people it is so hard to apologize, why is that so? anyway, after not getting the apology I thought I was owed, I stopped somewhere close to the end of the bridge and I looked out into the city, and I began to cry. I started to think about the fact that when I was married, the whole time, I was constantly being accused of things I did not do. Being accused of things you don't do, really sucks and sort of makes you just do them, just cause.
When there is no trust, there pretty much isn't anything. I feel really sad about this, but well, life is life and we just have to accept, try to understand and know that as long as we trust in ourselves, it really doesn't matter what other's opinions of us are. I trust in myself and what I know to be true about me and at the end of the day, I guess that's the important thing.
Good night journal, I am really tired.
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