I once wrote about a man that I used to have "secret conversations with" http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2011/06/secret-conversations.html the reason why these conversations were secret, wasn't because he or I were married or because either one of us had anyone special in our lives, but because of other circumstances that are very complicated and therefore I cannot really write them on my blog. One day, I hope to write about this story in my book, because it is definitely something that I am sure many women will be able to relate too. For now, I want to write about some thoughts that made me really sad today.
This man, who I developed a huge crush for, or I am almost afraid to admit that it was probably way more then just a crush, I developed strong feelings for him, but it was not love. It was really hard not to feel the things I did for him, because when I think of the man that I deserve in my life, he comes to my mind. The conversations we use to share, were so broad and our chemistry was so strong, that even a blind person would of felt what we would feel when we were around each other. I am sure that this man had many reservations as to why he would not date me and I have to admit that so did I, but never the less, we both had to hold back our feelings and pretend that there was nothing there.
Today, I missed him. I especially missed him, because he was the person who helped me to make the decision to change my major in college and go after what I really wanted to do, he was my mentor, I had this huge admiration for him. Without being asked to, I automatically wanted to do things for him, I wanted to take care of him. When a woman begins to develop feelings for a man, I feel that it is almost instinctual, to want to take care of them, woman are naturally nurturer's and therefore the moment I felt like I wanted to "take care of him" further confirmed to me that the feelings that I had for this man, were real. I don't see him often anymore, and I am glad that I don't, because it's difficult to see the one you can sort of see yourself with and have to pretend that you don't care.
Today however, I wanted so badly to tell him that I would be starting my major courses this semester, I wanted so badly to go to him and ask him how he was doing, but I knew that this would not be a good idea.
Today however, I wanted so badly to tell him that I would be starting my major courses this semester, I wanted so badly to go to him and ask him how he was doing, but I knew that this would not be a good idea.
One day, I asked him what he thought about a woman asking a man out, I have never in my life asked a man out and well, I don't think I would be capable of doing so (I would be to scared). When I say ask a man out, I mean like say to him, XYZ, I would really like it if you would accompany me to dinner. I don't ever really date, I don't like to go out to dinner with people because I don't want to waste my time or that of others, I'm very picky when it comes to whom I spend my short valuable time with, so I don't really go out on "dates" much, when I think of spending over an hour with any given person at a table somewhere, it has to be someone that I already know and like and so forth, other than that, I just don't have the patience for the whole "dating" thing. Anyway (yes I know I'm strange) but anyway, I asked him that and he told me that he felt that there was absolutely nothing wrong with a woman asking a man out, and that his last three girlfriends, had actually asked him out. After he told me that, he looked at me almost annoyed and said, "you better not ask out xyz out!" I looked at him surprised because he was clearly showing me jealousy and then I thought to myself, God, if you only knew that it is you I want to ask. After that conversation, I never said anything to him about it again.
Today, when I thought of him and about all those conversations that we shared, I wanted so badly to have the balls to go to him and say, XYZ, I would really like it if you would accompany me to dinner. But, I know I can't, I don't know how. Additionally, if he turned me down, I don't know how I would feel, it would probably be really bad. Also, I am not sure that I would want to go out with him anymore. I think it was just a thought that I had, a quick thought that I had because I missed our conversations, I missed his advice, I missed him genuinley caring about me, because I know that he did.
Sometimes in life, it is better to leave things un said then to make a fool out of yourself asking someone who thinks they are better then you, out to dinner. He has many things that I don't have, but I never cared about his material things, I cared about him, I saw him, I got to know him and he knew that.
Sometimes in life, it is better to leave things un said then to make a fool out of yourself asking someone who thinks they are better then you, out to dinner. He has many things that I don't have, but I never cared about his material things, I cared about him, I saw him, I got to know him and he knew that.
I wanted to put this on my blog because since I don't speak to him anymore, and he doesn't even know the URL to my blog, I needed to let that out, I find that when I write my thoughts, then I can just forget about it. So, I'm writing it, and now I can forget about it. People come and go out of my life, no biggie it's life. I do hope though, that one day, when "the one" comes into my life, he sort of resembles him, minus the "she's not good enough for me" thing. WOW don't people know that we all rot in our graves the same way? Bitter much Jazzy??? Yes, I believe I am. Maybe one day, I will forget that he treated me less than and that it really hurt me. These were all just thoughts, I'm random that way.
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