I simply must tell you all about KEV.W. why? you are probably wondering? well, because I just feel like it.
I met Kev, last year around March or something at my favorite bar in NYC. My favorite bar is the dollar bar any dollar bar. There are a few in NYC I met him at one in the Upper West side of Manhattan. This bar to me is simply Da Bomb! I especially like the well, dollar beers on Wednesdays. Every single time I go there, I always tell myself that I am only going to have 3 beers and go home. But instead, I always have way more then 3 and I always come out of there with some sort of story. This one however I simply must share.
I'm sitting at the bar and this blonde kid is sitting not to far from me, at first I didn't really notice him but after I had a few drinks in me and everyone was talking to everyone, I'm not even sure how him and I started talking but we did. The best thing about the dollar bar, is that everyone just starts talking to everyone, it feels like everyone know's each other, meanwhile everyone there is from all over the city and often there are people from foreign lands, just hanging out getting all kinds of drunk. It's AWESOME. Oh and the fact that one of the bartenders is HOT makes it even more pleasurable to hang out there.
Anyway, Kev and I start chatting and he starts talking all this shit on how he is in the entertainment business and how he is not going to let people use him and he is this and that. So at that point, I'm like whatever, this dude must not know about me and the fact that money and power, means absolutely nothing to me. So I lost complete interest and he gave me his number and I never spoke to him again.
On New Year's eve of 2010, I get on my phone and send out a mass txt message to almost everyone on my phone and all of a sudden I get this message from someone that says, sorry who is this. Well, I have a few Kev's on my phone contact list because there are so many of them in NY and everywhere else for that matter. So I'm like it's me Jazz is this Kev xyz's little brother? and he's like no, you have me confused. Now I'm thinking WTF! who the hell is this, but I continue to talk to him and I'm like well how do I know you. So now we are both curious not knowing who the hell we each are and I'm thinking... damn, if he was a cutie I am sure I would of remembered, this is so weird. I must admit however, that all of NYC probably has my phone number by now. I have had it for years and No, not because I'm a player, but because who cares it's not like I have to actually talk to people. And, it's really hard not to give your number out, because now a days, you can't go around writing your number down on paper, like I used to. I would give the wrong name and number. Now, the person will stand in your face and be like call me right now so your number can register on my phone FML! but since I always feel bad to disrespect people or make them feel bad, I'll just be like ok and I'll give out the number.
Anyway, finally a few days after we are talking, because now we start talking trying to find out things about each other, he's like I'm going to email you my pic. When he does and I see it, I'm like wow he's so cute, what the hell was I thinking? why didn't I ever call him??? so then I keep looking at the picture and I'm like holly shit! that's that dude that was talking mad shit that night! OH GOD! so I did what Jazzy does best. I told him straight up what I was thinking, I was like I remember you know, you did xyz at xyz bar and of course he was really embarrassed and apologetic. I decided to meet up with Kev and I have to say, that it was one of the best choices I have ever made. Kev, was simply awesome! so not the prick I met on his drunk night.
I found out about Kev that he was indeed in the entertainment industry, but he was just starting. He had recently graduated from some University in the Midwest or something and now he was in NY ready to make his dream happen. He is a booking agent, making moves and trying to get paid.
So, why am I writing about Kev??? well, I consider Kev one of the people that was my transitional man, and by that I will tell you what I mean. Before I met Kev, I was in as I like to call it, my shell. I really like my shell, that's where I stay when I have had it with men and people in general. I was in my shell because I had just lived an experience with someone who was really young who sort of broke my heart a bit and I was really confused as to what I wanted (I'm still confused though) But what I mean is that at that time I really was focusing in school and trying to get my thoughts together and I just wanted to be left the hell alone. Hibernating in my warm apartment for the winter.
But when Kev comes along so awesome and sweet I couldn't get passed the thought that he was young and only wanted one thing from me and I refuse to be someone else's "older woman" experience. There I was, judging him on his age. Still I refused to be played for a fool. So I tell Kev, listen I can't talk to you anymore, I am looking for something more meaningful, I want something more serious and Kev says to me, ok, that takes time but I like you so ok let's take it slow. At that moment, it happened, yup that feeling of anxiety and nausea that I get when someone wants to get close. I initially said to Kev that I wanted something meaningful with the thought that by me telling him that, he would leave me alone, but on the contrary he was like OK. And I did what I have done best in a while. I freaked!
But that's not really why I am writing about Kev. Kev was really patient with me, we didn't even see each other for like 2 months and he left me alone to do what I was doing. But he would often send me messages to check up on me. I only ended up seeing Kev like 2x because I was so extremely busy, I literally had no time to spend with anyone. The first time we saw each other, we had a few beers and the second time, we had dinner. But the second time I saw him and we got to talking, I knew for a fact that I was not ready for what I had told him and that I was not being honest and that I still wanted to be in my shell, because there, I felt more comfortable. I told him about Magic http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2011/06/how-jazzy-got-her-groove-back.html you know, the guy that was half my age who kind of helped me get my "relationship groove back" and I told him how I wrote this blog and how who ever I end up with, needs to be comfortable with the fact that I might just end up or actually if I'm with someone, I will most definitely write about them. And how that would have to be something this person would need to feel comfortable about, because this is my journal.
Kev's answer to what I said, made me want to eat him up. I felt like he would of been a very supportive person and I really liked that, he even asked me if there was something on here about him. The funny thing was, that I had fully intended to write about him, but I had just not really gotten around to it. I told him not yet and he laughed. He told me to promise him that once I wrote my book, he would be my booking agent. I told him yes and we both laughed. Sure, people always say things like these, but sometimes in saying little things like these it kind of gives you an idea about the person you are dealing with. Sure it's all talk, but still it's the little thoughtful things that someone says to you, that really makes that person someone you always remember.
After that night that we had dinner, I decided the next morning that I was not ready for anything with anyone and that I preferred, to be honest with him and myself and tell him that. I did and he did not talk to me again. This made me sad but I understood him. The last time I heard from him was on mother's day. I got a text message from a strange number and when I asked who it was (I had deleted his number from my phone so I wouldn't be tempted to call him) he told me it was him and I was really touched. I realized that day, that Kev had really good intentions with me and all I knew to do was judge him based on other people's behavior towards me.
I think of Kev often, but I rather leave things that way. Honestly, I am not very comfortable with the fact that he is indeed in the entertainment business and that although we didn't talk on a daily basis, it was more like once a week or something like that, every now and then, I would ask him what was going on and he would be in some show somewhere. I know that this is going to sound stupid, but honestly, I don't want to know that every time I turn around, my man is in some show where there are all these desperate girls trying to rub elbows with him to try and get somewhere for free or meet a celebrity or something (I know, very insecure) but it's true he is young and cute and hanging out with celebs, duh! what else am I suppose to think??? Also, if I called him now, what am I suppose to say? hey Kev by the way, I thought about it for the last 6 months and ok, maybe we can do this.
Also, I don't feel like the sexual chemistry that I need to feel for a man was there either. It is important for me to feel sexually attractive to a man and that one is a tough one. I may think a guy is HOT but that does not mean I find him sexually attractive. It's hard for men to understand that about a woman, but it is absolutely true or at least for me, if I don't feel it, I don't. Although I think that had I given him a chance, I would of developed it. He was definitely handsome and just the sweetest guy I have met in a long time. But then again, aren't they all when you first start getting to know them??? Non the less, I think I made the right choice, I was not ready and therefore I did not want to play with someone's feelings.
I have to say though, that I loved Kev's drive, hard work and dedication to his passion. I have ABSOLUTELY NO DOUBT IN MY MIND that one day, Kev will be rubbing elbows with some big shots in the entertainment business. And when that happens, I hope I find out about it so that I can tell him, remember that day when I told you so? I don't know if he will ever read this, I don't bother him because I don't want to got there. But Kev, if you do, then this is what I had to say about you.
Go GET EM TIGGER!
Oh and one more thing, I say my transitional man (even though he was never my man) but I say that, because after talking to him, I am not afraid to ask questions like...What do you want from me? before Kev I was always nervous about asking people valid questions. Is it not ok to ask someone what they want? I used to think that asking was wrong. Or rather, I didn't ask because I was always afraid to. It's ok to ask and it's even more ok to answer I don't know or I need time or just being honest. I was honest with him and with myself. I am proud of me for that.
Alright, time for Jazzy to go sleepy!
I met Kev, last year around March or something at my favorite bar in NYC. My favorite bar is the dollar bar any dollar bar. There are a few in NYC I met him at one in the Upper West side of Manhattan. This bar to me is simply Da Bomb! I especially like the well, dollar beers on Wednesdays. Every single time I go there, I always tell myself that I am only going to have 3 beers and go home. But instead, I always have way more then 3 and I always come out of there with some sort of story. This one however I simply must share.
I'm sitting at the bar and this blonde kid is sitting not to far from me, at first I didn't really notice him but after I had a few drinks in me and everyone was talking to everyone, I'm not even sure how him and I started talking but we did. The best thing about the dollar bar, is that everyone just starts talking to everyone, it feels like everyone know's each other, meanwhile everyone there is from all over the city and often there are people from foreign lands, just hanging out getting all kinds of drunk. It's AWESOME. Oh and the fact that one of the bartenders is HOT makes it even more pleasurable to hang out there.
Anyway, Kev and I start chatting and he starts talking all this shit on how he is in the entertainment business and how he is not going to let people use him and he is this and that. So at that point, I'm like whatever, this dude must not know about me and the fact that money and power, means absolutely nothing to me. So I lost complete interest and he gave me his number and I never spoke to him again.
On New Year's eve of 2010, I get on my phone and send out a mass txt message to almost everyone on my phone and all of a sudden I get this message from someone that says, sorry who is this. Well, I have a few Kev's on my phone contact list because there are so many of them in NY and everywhere else for that matter. So I'm like it's me Jazz is this Kev xyz's little brother? and he's like no, you have me confused. Now I'm thinking WTF! who the hell is this, but I continue to talk to him and I'm like well how do I know you. So now we are both curious not knowing who the hell we each are and I'm thinking... damn, if he was a cutie I am sure I would of remembered, this is so weird. I must admit however, that all of NYC probably has my phone number by now. I have had it for years and No, not because I'm a player, but because who cares it's not like I have to actually talk to people. And, it's really hard not to give your number out, because now a days, you can't go around writing your number down on paper, like I used to. I would give the wrong name and number. Now, the person will stand in your face and be like call me right now so your number can register on my phone FML! but since I always feel bad to disrespect people or make them feel bad, I'll just be like ok and I'll give out the number.
Anyway, finally a few days after we are talking, because now we start talking trying to find out things about each other, he's like I'm going to email you my pic. When he does and I see it, I'm like wow he's so cute, what the hell was I thinking? why didn't I ever call him??? so then I keep looking at the picture and I'm like holly shit! that's that dude that was talking mad shit that night! OH GOD! so I did what Jazzy does best. I told him straight up what I was thinking, I was like I remember you know, you did xyz at xyz bar and of course he was really embarrassed and apologetic. I decided to meet up with Kev and I have to say, that it was one of the best choices I have ever made. Kev, was simply awesome! so not the prick I met on his drunk night.
I found out about Kev that he was indeed in the entertainment industry, but he was just starting. He had recently graduated from some University in the Midwest or something and now he was in NY ready to make his dream happen. He is a booking agent, making moves and trying to get paid.
So, why am I writing about Kev??? well, I consider Kev one of the people that was my transitional man, and by that I will tell you what I mean. Before I met Kev, I was in as I like to call it, my shell. I really like my shell, that's where I stay when I have had it with men and people in general. I was in my shell because I had just lived an experience with someone who was really young who sort of broke my heart a bit and I was really confused as to what I wanted (I'm still confused though) But what I mean is that at that time I really was focusing in school and trying to get my thoughts together and I just wanted to be left the hell alone. Hibernating in my warm apartment for the winter.
But when Kev comes along so awesome and sweet I couldn't get passed the thought that he was young and only wanted one thing from me and I refuse to be someone else's "older woman" experience. There I was, judging him on his age. Still I refused to be played for a fool. So I tell Kev, listen I can't talk to you anymore, I am looking for something more meaningful, I want something more serious and Kev says to me, ok, that takes time but I like you so ok let's take it slow. At that moment, it happened, yup that feeling of anxiety and nausea that I get when someone wants to get close. I initially said to Kev that I wanted something meaningful with the thought that by me telling him that, he would leave me alone, but on the contrary he was like OK. And I did what I have done best in a while. I freaked!
But that's not really why I am writing about Kev. Kev was really patient with me, we didn't even see each other for like 2 months and he left me alone to do what I was doing. But he would often send me messages to check up on me. I only ended up seeing Kev like 2x because I was so extremely busy, I literally had no time to spend with anyone. The first time we saw each other, we had a few beers and the second time, we had dinner. But the second time I saw him and we got to talking, I knew for a fact that I was not ready for what I had told him and that I was not being honest and that I still wanted to be in my shell, because there, I felt more comfortable. I told him about Magic http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2011/06/how-jazzy-got-her-groove-back.html you know, the guy that was half my age who kind of helped me get my "relationship groove back" and I told him how I wrote this blog and how who ever I end up with, needs to be comfortable with the fact that I might just end up or actually if I'm with someone, I will most definitely write about them. And how that would have to be something this person would need to feel comfortable about, because this is my journal.
Kev's answer to what I said, made me want to eat him up. I felt like he would of been a very supportive person and I really liked that, he even asked me if there was something on here about him. The funny thing was, that I had fully intended to write about him, but I had just not really gotten around to it. I told him not yet and he laughed. He told me to promise him that once I wrote my book, he would be my booking agent. I told him yes and we both laughed. Sure, people always say things like these, but sometimes in saying little things like these it kind of gives you an idea about the person you are dealing with. Sure it's all talk, but still it's the little thoughtful things that someone says to you, that really makes that person someone you always remember.
After that night that we had dinner, I decided the next morning that I was not ready for anything with anyone and that I preferred, to be honest with him and myself and tell him that. I did and he did not talk to me again. This made me sad but I understood him. The last time I heard from him was on mother's day. I got a text message from a strange number and when I asked who it was (I had deleted his number from my phone so I wouldn't be tempted to call him) he told me it was him and I was really touched. I realized that day, that Kev had really good intentions with me and all I knew to do was judge him based on other people's behavior towards me.
I think of Kev often, but I rather leave things that way. Honestly, I am not very comfortable with the fact that he is indeed in the entertainment business and that although we didn't talk on a daily basis, it was more like once a week or something like that, every now and then, I would ask him what was going on and he would be in some show somewhere. I know that this is going to sound stupid, but honestly, I don't want to know that every time I turn around, my man is in some show where there are all these desperate girls trying to rub elbows with him to try and get somewhere for free or meet a celebrity or something (I know, very insecure) but it's true he is young and cute and hanging out with celebs, duh! what else am I suppose to think??? Also, if I called him now, what am I suppose to say? hey Kev by the way, I thought about it for the last 6 months and ok, maybe we can do this.
Also, I don't feel like the sexual chemistry that I need to feel for a man was there either. It is important for me to feel sexually attractive to a man and that one is a tough one. I may think a guy is HOT but that does not mean I find him sexually attractive. It's hard for men to understand that about a woman, but it is absolutely true or at least for me, if I don't feel it, I don't. Although I think that had I given him a chance, I would of developed it. He was definitely handsome and just the sweetest guy I have met in a long time. But then again, aren't they all when you first start getting to know them??? Non the less, I think I made the right choice, I was not ready and therefore I did not want to play with someone's feelings.
I have to say though, that I loved Kev's drive, hard work and dedication to his passion. I have ABSOLUTELY NO DOUBT IN MY MIND that one day, Kev will be rubbing elbows with some big shots in the entertainment business. And when that happens, I hope I find out about it so that I can tell him, remember that day when I told you so? I don't know if he will ever read this, I don't bother him because I don't want to got there. But Kev, if you do, then this is what I had to say about you.
Go GET EM TIGGER!
Oh and one more thing, I say my transitional man (even though he was never my man) but I say that, because after talking to him, I am not afraid to ask questions like...What do you want from me? before Kev I was always nervous about asking people valid questions. Is it not ok to ask someone what they want? I used to think that asking was wrong. Or rather, I didn't ask because I was always afraid to. It's ok to ask and it's even more ok to answer I don't know or I need time or just being honest. I was honest with him and with myself. I am proud of me for that.
Alright, time for Jazzy to go sleepy!
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