A month ago yesterday, I went to my friends wedding in Omaha, Nebraska. While I was there, I met someone really cool. At first I didn't really think much of it, but shortly after talking to him and getting to know him, I developed a feeling of loyalty to him. I always try to be honest with everyone I meet, because this is who I am. I am Jazzy and those who know me and know me well, will usually pronounce Jazzy, with a loving tone.
From the beginning I was honest with this guy about a lot of things. But as it has been happening for some years now, soon after I started to get to know him I also felt this sense of fear. I am a woman who has been through 2 ridiculous marriages, both which were not based on love. I guess it's safe to say at this point, that I have not had the best of luck in the love department. After my last marriage I fell in love with someone almost immediately and that was probably the worst heart break of my life. So, what can I say other then, I am afraid to get hurt. I don't feel bad about this too much, because I have a feeling that many people are afraid to getting hurt, because getting hurt really really sucks!
I started to really enjoy the conversations I was having with this fine man from Nebraska and all of a sudden that fear came over me. The fear I am about to describe, only comes over me when I really like someone, I always know if I like someone or if I don't based on this fear factor.
I have met countless people in the last few years, but I can honestly count in one hand how many of them I actually liked. Part of the reason why it was really hard for me to like anyone, was based on the fact that I was loyal to my feelings for the man I loved. This made it very difficult for me to really give people a chance. In addition to that, I am really picky and know very specific what I like and what I am looking for in a man. So one day, I actually sat down and wrote down all the things I wanted. In reality, I know that no one is perfect nor will I find the exact description of my dream man, but at least now after all these years, I have a basis to go by.
I am really scared of commitment, the very thought of it makes me nauseas. I'm not exaggerating when I say that one day, when I realized how much I liked someone, I literally felt claustrophobic and like throwing up. With regards to this man that I met in Nebraska, there were a few times that I felt that way simply due to the fact that I was starting to feel this sense of loyalty to him. However, whenever those crazy nauseas feelings would come, I would simply dismiss them and tell myself that I needed to give people a chance. I guess the fact that he was in another state made it feel safe, I am not sure.
This past Saturday night, I went by myself to a local bar because I just wanted to have a drink and maybe make some friends in my neighborhood. I entered the bar and sat down and the handsome male waiter asked me what I wanted. I asked him for a beer and when I payed him and tried to tip him, he tells me to keep my money. He then proceeds to talk to me and starts to sort of flirt. Being the natural flirt that I am, I begin chatting it up with him. At one point, he walks away and when he returns, I am on my phone texting a my friend and he says to me. "You can't possibly be texting me?" So I respond "no I can not, I do not have your number" Immediately after those words came out of my mouth, I felt like a lying fake. I felt like I was cheating on the person in Nebraska. Lucky for me however, a few minutes after those words were exchanged a fight broke out outside and the bartender knew the people so he excused himself and went to see what was happening. I have to admit that I felt a sense of relief about the whole thing and as soon as he went outside, I also left.
Later on that night I spoke to my new friend from Nebraska who got upset at me for something he thought I had done that I had not. When he expressed his anger about the situation I felt this almost attachment to him, it felt like, why am I feeling these things? who am I to this man? who is this man to me? Why is he so upset? what do I do now? I don't know how this works?
The next day after going over what had happened the night before in my head, I decided that I needed to ask the scary question. So I asked him if he could please tell me what he wanted from me. Soon after my question, I found out that what he wanted was clearly not me. I sort of felt that the incident from the night before, might have caused his confusion, but I am not sure. I figured that had he trusted in me and in himself that he was worth it to me, then maybe he would of handled the situation in a different manner.
Still, after the whole situation, his actions not his words cleared my suspicion of him no longer being interested in me. And soon after that, he told me that I was insecure. Needles to say, I felt like crap. I felt like I had just broken up with my boyfriend of a month. I lost my appetite, I felt disgusted in myself, I felt like yet another person had taken away a little piece of me. So I went to work feeling a sense of sadness and loss and thinking to myself.....another one bites the dust!
What gives? What is wrong with me? What's happening? Where did I go wrong? In trying to answer all these questions I realized that maybe it wasn't me, maybe it was them. Yet I am sick and tired of feeling this way, I don't want to be bothered. I don't want to give my affection to people that don't really want it. Yes, I shouldn't take it personal that I am not what someone is looking for, but then I think, so why do they waste my time and theirs? I always try to be clear, I always give people the options. What the hell is going on in my life???
After feeling like crap all morning, I send my friend Sean a txt message and he says he is sorry to hear that, Sean is my friend who knows all that I go through. He is awesome! and as I'm talking to him I think to myself..... Hey, I had no plans in meeting anyone in Nebraska, I went there to have fun and I did and whatever. My plans for this summer was to have fun. Ok, so maybe I met someone I really liked who decided he didn't want to continue to pursue me, so what? it happens let it go! feel the loss and move on. Of course this is way easier said then done, but I have to try right? right?
And then I started thinking about two summers ago when I had posted an AD on Craigslist, and how I had met so many guys, none that I actually liked but still, I had so much fun just meeting all these interesting individuals. And like a light bulb, my idea began to take form in my mind. Why don't I have fun this last summer of my 30's?! So here it is, my master plan for a fun filled summer 2011!
I have decided to post an ad on CL to find "someone special" except that in doing so, I am not going to be myself. Instead, I decided that I am going to "change my game up" which game you ask? Well the game I don't have! DUH! I have absolutely no game clearly! this is why these things happen to me, because I always act myself, give myself, act sincere and true. I have no game because I don't believe in playing games "I ALWAYS keep it real" THAT'S THE PROBLEM! I am Jazzy the mother, the student, the loving person. So when I say I'm going to "change it up" I mean I am going to actually play "the game" except this game is going to be a horrible one.
Why am I doing this? Well for starters, I seriously believe that men are intimidated by women who are assertive and know what they want. They are intimidated by a woman that doesn't "need them" in addition, if they don't have to chase you to get into your pants, they loose complete interest.
I know within the first 5minutes of meeting someone if I will sleep with him or not. I am a bit shallow that way, but that's the truth. So, because I know this I don't allow men to chase me because If I'm not interested, I won't budge. In addition, as I said before, the ones I do like start out going strong and then back down. Clearly I am doing something wrong.
What are my plans then? Well I want to do this experiment for a few reasons. One, I am self exploring to see how far I can take a lie? how far can I go? I have always been honest with men and it has gotten me absolutely NO WHERE!. And second, I want to play the role of a needy woman, I want to see if men react differently when I act like I really really "need someone to take care of me." I want to lie about my age because no one ever thinks I'm the age that I am. And lastly, I want to see how far a man is willing to chase to get into my pants.
This is my experiment. It isn't ethical, it isn't very nice, it's morally incorrect. To my defense however, men lie and cheat all the time, I'm only doing to them, what they have probably done to someone like me. The real me. So you are welcomed to come with me on my experiment. Below are my rules to myself that I have to follow.
But first, am I scared? I have never been so afraid in my life! Do I think I will be able to go though with it? I have absolutely no idea. Am I scared that I will get caught up in my own game? Yes I am! but, I have to do it. I need to prove my theories cause that's how I roll.
RULES FOR JAZZY!
1. ABSOLUTELY NO SEX! - why? well the whole point is to see how far a man will go and what they will do to get into my pants.
2. I cannot discriminate - My preference when it comes to men is white men. This time I have to give all men a fair chance.
3. I can't be me at all, I am someone else.
4. I am not allowed to go to a bar with any of these people - Only coffee when meeting them and then take it from there.
5. If they have children, If it gets far, I cannot meet their children they cannot meet mine (in real life I don't allow people to meet my children)
6. I cannot go to their house nor can they come to mine. I have to always come up with excuses. The point to this is to see how far a man will chase (to get into my pants).
7. I cannot kiss them until the 3rd or 4th date if it gets that far.
8. These men must all be over the age of 30 I CANNOT talk to any one under that age.
9. I have to act like a damsel in distress, meaning I have to act like I am a needy woman that can't take care of herself I need a man to "take care of me"
And there you have it..........LET THE SUMMER GAME BEGIN!
From the beginning I was honest with this guy about a lot of things. But as it has been happening for some years now, soon after I started to get to know him I also felt this sense of fear. I am a woman who has been through 2 ridiculous marriages, both which were not based on love. I guess it's safe to say at this point, that I have not had the best of luck in the love department. After my last marriage I fell in love with someone almost immediately and that was probably the worst heart break of my life. So, what can I say other then, I am afraid to get hurt. I don't feel bad about this too much, because I have a feeling that many people are afraid to getting hurt, because getting hurt really really sucks!
I started to really enjoy the conversations I was having with this fine man from Nebraska and all of a sudden that fear came over me. The fear I am about to describe, only comes over me when I really like someone, I always know if I like someone or if I don't based on this fear factor.
I have met countless people in the last few years, but I can honestly count in one hand how many of them I actually liked. Part of the reason why it was really hard for me to like anyone, was based on the fact that I was loyal to my feelings for the man I loved. This made it very difficult for me to really give people a chance. In addition to that, I am really picky and know very specific what I like and what I am looking for in a man. So one day, I actually sat down and wrote down all the things I wanted. In reality, I know that no one is perfect nor will I find the exact description of my dream man, but at least now after all these years, I have a basis to go by.
I am really scared of commitment, the very thought of it makes me nauseas. I'm not exaggerating when I say that one day, when I realized how much I liked someone, I literally felt claustrophobic and like throwing up. With regards to this man that I met in Nebraska, there were a few times that I felt that way simply due to the fact that I was starting to feel this sense of loyalty to him. However, whenever those crazy nauseas feelings would come, I would simply dismiss them and tell myself that I needed to give people a chance. I guess the fact that he was in another state made it feel safe, I am not sure.
This past Saturday night, I went by myself to a local bar because I just wanted to have a drink and maybe make some friends in my neighborhood. I entered the bar and sat down and the handsome male waiter asked me what I wanted. I asked him for a beer and when I payed him and tried to tip him, he tells me to keep my money. He then proceeds to talk to me and starts to sort of flirt. Being the natural flirt that I am, I begin chatting it up with him. At one point, he walks away and when he returns, I am on my phone texting a my friend and he says to me. "You can't possibly be texting me?" So I respond "no I can not, I do not have your number" Immediately after those words came out of my mouth, I felt like a lying fake. I felt like I was cheating on the person in Nebraska. Lucky for me however, a few minutes after those words were exchanged a fight broke out outside and the bartender knew the people so he excused himself and went to see what was happening. I have to admit that I felt a sense of relief about the whole thing and as soon as he went outside, I also left.
Later on that night I spoke to my new friend from Nebraska who got upset at me for something he thought I had done that I had not. When he expressed his anger about the situation I felt this almost attachment to him, it felt like, why am I feeling these things? who am I to this man? who is this man to me? Why is he so upset? what do I do now? I don't know how this works?
The next day after going over what had happened the night before in my head, I decided that I needed to ask the scary question. So I asked him if he could please tell me what he wanted from me. Soon after my question, I found out that what he wanted was clearly not me. I sort of felt that the incident from the night before, might have caused his confusion, but I am not sure. I figured that had he trusted in me and in himself that he was worth it to me, then maybe he would of handled the situation in a different manner.
Still, after the whole situation, his actions not his words cleared my suspicion of him no longer being interested in me. And soon after that, he told me that I was insecure. Needles to say, I felt like crap. I felt like I had just broken up with my boyfriend of a month. I lost my appetite, I felt disgusted in myself, I felt like yet another person had taken away a little piece of me. So I went to work feeling a sense of sadness and loss and thinking to myself.....another one bites the dust!
What gives? What is wrong with me? What's happening? Where did I go wrong? In trying to answer all these questions I realized that maybe it wasn't me, maybe it was them. Yet I am sick and tired of feeling this way, I don't want to be bothered. I don't want to give my affection to people that don't really want it. Yes, I shouldn't take it personal that I am not what someone is looking for, but then I think, so why do they waste my time and theirs? I always try to be clear, I always give people the options. What the hell is going on in my life???
After feeling like crap all morning, I send my friend Sean a txt message and he says he is sorry to hear that, Sean is my friend who knows all that I go through. He is awesome! and as I'm talking to him I think to myself..... Hey, I had no plans in meeting anyone in Nebraska, I went there to have fun and I did and whatever. My plans for this summer was to have fun. Ok, so maybe I met someone I really liked who decided he didn't want to continue to pursue me, so what? it happens let it go! feel the loss and move on. Of course this is way easier said then done, but I have to try right? right?
And then I started thinking about two summers ago when I had posted an AD on Craigslist, and how I had met so many guys, none that I actually liked but still, I had so much fun just meeting all these interesting individuals. And like a light bulb, my idea began to take form in my mind. Why don't I have fun this last summer of my 30's?! So here it is, my master plan for a fun filled summer 2011!
I have decided to post an ad on CL to find "someone special" except that in doing so, I am not going to be myself. Instead, I decided that I am going to "change my game up" which game you ask? Well the game I don't have! DUH! I have absolutely no game clearly! this is why these things happen to me, because I always act myself, give myself, act sincere and true. I have no game because I don't believe in playing games "I ALWAYS keep it real" THAT'S THE PROBLEM! I am Jazzy the mother, the student, the loving person. So when I say I'm going to "change it up" I mean I am going to actually play "the game" except this game is going to be a horrible one.
Why am I doing this? Well for starters, I seriously believe that men are intimidated by women who are assertive and know what they want. They are intimidated by a woman that doesn't "need them" in addition, if they don't have to chase you to get into your pants, they loose complete interest.
I know within the first 5minutes of meeting someone if I will sleep with him or not. I am a bit shallow that way, but that's the truth. So, because I know this I don't allow men to chase me because If I'm not interested, I won't budge. In addition, as I said before, the ones I do like start out going strong and then back down. Clearly I am doing something wrong.
What are my plans then? Well I want to do this experiment for a few reasons. One, I am self exploring to see how far I can take a lie? how far can I go? I have always been honest with men and it has gotten me absolutely NO WHERE!. And second, I want to play the role of a needy woman, I want to see if men react differently when I act like I really really "need someone to take care of me." I want to lie about my age because no one ever thinks I'm the age that I am. And lastly, I want to see how far a man is willing to chase to get into my pants.
This is my experiment. It isn't ethical, it isn't very nice, it's morally incorrect. To my defense however, men lie and cheat all the time, I'm only doing to them, what they have probably done to someone like me. The real me. So you are welcomed to come with me on my experiment. Below are my rules to myself that I have to follow.
But first, am I scared? I have never been so afraid in my life! Do I think I will be able to go though with it? I have absolutely no idea. Am I scared that I will get caught up in my own game? Yes I am! but, I have to do it. I need to prove my theories cause that's how I roll.
RULES FOR JAZZY!
1. ABSOLUTELY NO SEX! - why? well the whole point is to see how far a man will go and what they will do to get into my pants.
2. I cannot discriminate - My preference when it comes to men is white men. This time I have to give all men a fair chance.
3. I can't be me at all, I am someone else.
4. I am not allowed to go to a bar with any of these people - Only coffee when meeting them and then take it from there.
5. If they have children, If it gets far, I cannot meet their children they cannot meet mine (in real life I don't allow people to meet my children)
6. I cannot go to their house nor can they come to mine. I have to always come up with excuses. The point to this is to see how far a man will chase (to get into my pants).
7. I cannot kiss them until the 3rd or 4th date if it gets that far.
8. These men must all be over the age of 30 I CANNOT talk to any one under that age.
9. I have to act like a damsel in distress, meaning I have to act like I am a needy woman that can't take care of herself I need a man to "take care of me"
And there you have it..........LET THE SUMMER GAME BEGIN!
You still better be getting it in on the side, lol.
ReplyDeleteLOL, Only time will tell. I'm nervous lol.
ReplyDelete