Man, I have thought about writing this post for so long and I am so excited to finally write it, that I am sort of stuck on how to actually start. I guess the best way to start it is to tell you that this is sort of part two, to the post that I wrote on Saturday http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2011/06/love-sex-drugs.html which was about my young friend the one who was just shy of being half my age.
This is about my experience with someone else who was half my age, yet he TRULY changed me in a very positive way. I can't even begin to describe the love that I feel for him. But my love for him is not that of I'm in love with you will you be my boyfriend or can you be with me, my love for him is more like OMG! your such an ABSOLUTELY AMAZING MAN! why couldn't you be my age!
Unlike my other young friend who I immediately found attractive when I first saw him, this story is very different and it goes a little something like this.......
Day one of my Fall of 2010 semester, I enter the classroom where I will be spending the next few months learning about politics a subject I have ABSOLUTELY NO INTEREST IN! however, I have to take the class because it is a requirement towards my degree. So I walk in and I see this cute kid and I decide well, I'll sit near him because at least it's something nice to look at throughout the semester. When I saw him I thought he was cute but like a kid cute like the way I think of my son. Like awwww he's so adorable. He was tall, slender with the rosiest cheeks you have ever seen. His eyes were round and big and he always had a smile. We were asked to form groups and when he turned around to talk to me and he opened his mouth to talk, I thought to myself. No wonder he's so pretty! he's gay. Until this day, he does not know that, that was my very first impression of him. And well, I guess he never will because we no longer speak. But once he spoke and the class started I immediately felt very comfortable being in his group. I wasn't sure anymore if he was gay or not, but at this point I figured he would become one of my good classmates.
After class that day, we start walking and talking and I just felt this sense of comfort with him, it was just so normal to talk to him like If I had known him forever. Once we start talking about things other then the class work, I realized that he was far from being gay, he was actually a bit of a player. He was just simply a cutie who I had judged and thought he was gay, based on the fact that he was so handsome. After that day we became friends. I started telling him all my boy drama and he would just listen and then we would laugh about stuff and it was just simply AWESOME! it turned out that not only was he in one of my classes, he was also in my only other class that I had as well.
One day I came into class pretty upset, because since my FB page is public I had gotten on it, a comment from a girl who's ex boyfriend I was sort of seeing. Him and I were not really serious but she thought that we were and instead of asking a question to me like an adult women should if she has some sort of concern about her man or ex or whatever he was to her. She wrote something and I was a bit annoyed about it so I get to class and I start telling my new found friend (who I will continue for the rest of this post to refer to as 'MAGIC') I told Magic about it and showed him the email I had sent her. After he read it we just laughed really hard and then I told him that the guy was a jerk and that I wasn't going to talk to him again and how he had called me fat.
After I told him what had happened, Magic made me feel better just by laughing with me about the whole stupid situation. This man not Magic but the other guy the one who had just named called me was a grown man, yet he acted like a kid. And Magic told me not to sweat it and through out the class we kept laughing about it. That evening when I get home, I get a txt message from him with a picture of himself wearing a tee that had a Silhouette dancing on a pole and the tee shirt read.....I support single moms. And his txt message read, you are not fat, you really look like this. As I am writing this, tears are filling my eyes, because I miss him so much. When I read this I'm like WTF! is this kid coming on to me??? so I'm like OMG! he's so handsome and awesome! I can't even believe he would look at me in that way! OMG! he is LITERALLY half my age FML!
Why is he awesome you ask? well, I love an intelligent man and Magic is extremely intelligent. So much so, that he was skipped a grade in HS. I once told him he was an under cover nerd and that was sexy as hell! Not only is he intelligent, but he is funny and hard working and kind and generous and just all the qualities that to me, make a great man. But of course I have to snap to reality and not allow myself to think of Magic in a romantic way, yet after his revelation to me I allowed myself to consider that possibility. So for the next few days I'm like OMG! not this again! No LEAVE THAT ALONE! girl you must be crazy! This kid is young enough to be your child, OMG! that's disgusting! just forget about it.
But when it was time for class and I was around Magic, the feelings I felt were simply MAGICAL! when I was around him I felt alive, I felt good about myself, we could never laugh enough, we could never talk about enough things. Time would pass and all we would do was talk. We talked about everything from History to Politics to family to children to cloths to friendships to life to souls to everything and anything you can possibly imagine. I told him my sorrows and he told me his. The energy we felt around each other was incredible. When we were around each other all you saw in our faces was smiles.Our connection was a complete one it was just MAGICAL!
One day we sat in McDonald's which was probably in the last 4 years one of the best dates I have had and after taking a bite of my burger, I couldn't control my urge so I leaned over and kissed him. What else can I say about our kiss other then well...... MAGICAL! For the next few weeks we were so extremely happy. We talked everyday and we just felt so comfortable it was as if I had been with him before. We didn't hold back to tell each other anything. In addition, I kissed him more then I have kissed anyone else in the last 4 years. We could not stop kissing it was just so wonderful. The kisses we shared were always special to me. I felt like a HS girl, he reminded me of what love was like, how beautiful it could be, how innocent and wonderful life could be. He brought out the very best person in me and I brought out the very best person in him.
One day, I thought about the movie How Stella got Her Groove back and I told him about it. At this point we were just talking and kissing but things felt awkward, because I knew in my heart, that I could not allow this to go on. My judgement of our age difference and his judgement of our age difference started to take over what we were feeling and one day we decided that we could not do this anymore and that we were going to go back to just being friends so, NO MORE KISSING. I was torn but I love him so much as my friend, that I wanted only that and that was enough.
One day after we had decided no more kissing, we went to get a drink and I had one to many so when we were going to say goodbye to each other I went to kiss him on the lips but at that moment I wasn't thinking of sticking my tongue down his throat I just wanted to give him a tap kiss and when I did that, he pulled back and said. Your not my girl I don't want to kiss you. All of a sudden, in that moment I realized how beautiful this whole situation was and how beautiful he was. I realized that not everyone is the same and that his innocence about life and relationships was the reason why I was so attracted to him. He reminded me of how things can be so beautiful and perfect and how as we get older and get burnt over and over and over again, we start to give up on all those beautiful things that we can feel over and over again if we find the right person.
I was shocked but touched and I apologized to him and left. After that day I couldn't be his friend I didn't know how to because it was really really hard. So many other things happened after that, which I don't want to get into. But basically we stopped talking and then a few months later started talking again and then we stopped talking again because to be honest, it got to a point where I could honestly say that I would of just said the hell with the world and their judgments of us and let's just enjoy our life. But he was not ready for that and so we are no longer speaking.
After having that experience all of a sudden I finally realized that I did want a boyfriend, something I wasn't sure about before. He told me that the movie how Stella Got Her Groove back, was about her wanting a relationship. I didn't want a relationship for a really really long time I know this. But after sharing all those meaningful kisses with Magic, I realized that meaningful kisses are way better then useless one's.
After having had this experience with him, I was so devastated that I decided I did not want to have anything to do with men. I stopped dating, talking to men and I just focused on the things I had to. I didn't want to be bothered. I have been alone for a long time and having shared this experience with this wonderful young man. Made me realize that having someone special is really a wonderful thing. He helped me move on from the man that I had been in love with for years, because meeting him and getting to know him made me realize that there are so many amazing human beings out there. He made reminded me of how as we get older we start judging situations and we start to build all kinds of ideas about how life "should be" and we forget how good it "can be" Sometimes we get so stuck on the past and on the hurt that people have caused us so much so, that we fail to see those which are sometimes put in our paths, for maybe something wonderful.
For so long, I was so stuck on this other person that had hurt me to the point that I did not want to ever love again and then along comes Magic to remind me that things CAN be magical if we let them. Only if we give people a chance can we really know. I know now that it is ok to give people a chance. And even if I don't find someone to have a meaningful relationship with tomorrow or next month or even next year or 5 years from now. At least I know now that it CAN HAPPEN! that there will be others that will make me feel the magic only if I allow them too. Magic helped me to get my "relationship groove back" by him not kissing me that night, I knew that he cared for me as a person he liked me for me and he was not going to use me.
Although Magic was never my boyfriend and although he and I are no longer friends. I finally know what I want. I know now that I don't want to just give away my valuable kisses. I want to give them to someone special. And maybe on the road to that someone special I will undoubtedly have to kiss some toads, but that is ok. Because at least I will know how far to go with each toad that enters my life. And although I am still terrified, having had shared what I did with Magic will always remind me that in life, there are many many wonderful magical people. And that my magical man is out there somewhere kissing all the wrong girls. I know this for sure....
THANK YOU MAGIC!
This is about my experience with someone else who was half my age, yet he TRULY changed me in a very positive way. I can't even begin to describe the love that I feel for him. But my love for him is not that of I'm in love with you will you be my boyfriend or can you be with me, my love for him is more like OMG! your such an ABSOLUTELY AMAZING MAN! why couldn't you be my age!
Unlike my other young friend who I immediately found attractive when I first saw him, this story is very different and it goes a little something like this.......
Day one of my Fall of 2010 semester, I enter the classroom where I will be spending the next few months learning about politics a subject I have ABSOLUTELY NO INTEREST IN! however, I have to take the class because it is a requirement towards my degree. So I walk in and I see this cute kid and I decide well, I'll sit near him because at least it's something nice to look at throughout the semester. When I saw him I thought he was cute but like a kid cute like the way I think of my son. Like awwww he's so adorable. He was tall, slender with the rosiest cheeks you have ever seen. His eyes were round and big and he always had a smile. We were asked to form groups and when he turned around to talk to me and he opened his mouth to talk, I thought to myself. No wonder he's so pretty! he's gay. Until this day, he does not know that, that was my very first impression of him. And well, I guess he never will because we no longer speak. But once he spoke and the class started I immediately felt very comfortable being in his group. I wasn't sure anymore if he was gay or not, but at this point I figured he would become one of my good classmates.
After class that day, we start walking and talking and I just felt this sense of comfort with him, it was just so normal to talk to him like If I had known him forever. Once we start talking about things other then the class work, I realized that he was far from being gay, he was actually a bit of a player. He was just simply a cutie who I had judged and thought he was gay, based on the fact that he was so handsome. After that day we became friends. I started telling him all my boy drama and he would just listen and then we would laugh about stuff and it was just simply AWESOME! it turned out that not only was he in one of my classes, he was also in my only other class that I had as well.
One day I came into class pretty upset, because since my FB page is public I had gotten on it, a comment from a girl who's ex boyfriend I was sort of seeing. Him and I were not really serious but she thought that we were and instead of asking a question to me like an adult women should if she has some sort of concern about her man or ex or whatever he was to her. She wrote something and I was a bit annoyed about it so I get to class and I start telling my new found friend (who I will continue for the rest of this post to refer to as 'MAGIC') I told Magic about it and showed him the email I had sent her. After he read it we just laughed really hard and then I told him that the guy was a jerk and that I wasn't going to talk to him again and how he had called me fat.
After I told him what had happened, Magic made me feel better just by laughing with me about the whole stupid situation. This man not Magic but the other guy the one who had just named called me was a grown man, yet he acted like a kid. And Magic told me not to sweat it and through out the class we kept laughing about it. That evening when I get home, I get a txt message from him with a picture of himself wearing a tee that had a Silhouette dancing on a pole and the tee shirt read.....I support single moms. And his txt message read, you are not fat, you really look like this. As I am writing this, tears are filling my eyes, because I miss him so much. When I read this I'm like WTF! is this kid coming on to me??? so I'm like OMG! he's so handsome and awesome! I can't even believe he would look at me in that way! OMG! he is LITERALLY half my age FML!
Why is he awesome you ask? well, I love an intelligent man and Magic is extremely intelligent. So much so, that he was skipped a grade in HS. I once told him he was an under cover nerd and that was sexy as hell! Not only is he intelligent, but he is funny and hard working and kind and generous and just all the qualities that to me, make a great man. But of course I have to snap to reality and not allow myself to think of Magic in a romantic way, yet after his revelation to me I allowed myself to consider that possibility. So for the next few days I'm like OMG! not this again! No LEAVE THAT ALONE! girl you must be crazy! This kid is young enough to be your child, OMG! that's disgusting! just forget about it.
But when it was time for class and I was around Magic, the feelings I felt were simply MAGICAL! when I was around him I felt alive, I felt good about myself, we could never laugh enough, we could never talk about enough things. Time would pass and all we would do was talk. We talked about everything from History to Politics to family to children to cloths to friendships to life to souls to everything and anything you can possibly imagine. I told him my sorrows and he told me his. The energy we felt around each other was incredible. When we were around each other all you saw in our faces was smiles.Our connection was a complete one it was just MAGICAL!
One day we sat in McDonald's which was probably in the last 4 years one of the best dates I have had and after taking a bite of my burger, I couldn't control my urge so I leaned over and kissed him. What else can I say about our kiss other then well...... MAGICAL! For the next few weeks we were so extremely happy. We talked everyday and we just felt so comfortable it was as if I had been with him before. We didn't hold back to tell each other anything. In addition, I kissed him more then I have kissed anyone else in the last 4 years. We could not stop kissing it was just so wonderful. The kisses we shared were always special to me. I felt like a HS girl, he reminded me of what love was like, how beautiful it could be, how innocent and wonderful life could be. He brought out the very best person in me and I brought out the very best person in him.
One day, I thought about the movie How Stella got Her Groove back and I told him about it. At this point we were just talking and kissing but things felt awkward, because I knew in my heart, that I could not allow this to go on. My judgement of our age difference and his judgement of our age difference started to take over what we were feeling and one day we decided that we could not do this anymore and that we were going to go back to just being friends so, NO MORE KISSING. I was torn but I love him so much as my friend, that I wanted only that and that was enough.
One day after we had decided no more kissing, we went to get a drink and I had one to many so when we were going to say goodbye to each other I went to kiss him on the lips but at that moment I wasn't thinking of sticking my tongue down his throat I just wanted to give him a tap kiss and when I did that, he pulled back and said. Your not my girl I don't want to kiss you. All of a sudden, in that moment I realized how beautiful this whole situation was and how beautiful he was. I realized that not everyone is the same and that his innocence about life and relationships was the reason why I was so attracted to him. He reminded me of how things can be so beautiful and perfect and how as we get older and get burnt over and over and over again, we start to give up on all those beautiful things that we can feel over and over again if we find the right person.
I was shocked but touched and I apologized to him and left. After that day I couldn't be his friend I didn't know how to because it was really really hard. So many other things happened after that, which I don't want to get into. But basically we stopped talking and then a few months later started talking again and then we stopped talking again because to be honest, it got to a point where I could honestly say that I would of just said the hell with the world and their judgments of us and let's just enjoy our life. But he was not ready for that and so we are no longer speaking.
After having that experience all of a sudden I finally realized that I did want a boyfriend, something I wasn't sure about before. He told me that the movie how Stella Got Her Groove back, was about her wanting a relationship. I didn't want a relationship for a really really long time I know this. But after sharing all those meaningful kisses with Magic, I realized that meaningful kisses are way better then useless one's.
After having had this experience with him, I was so devastated that I decided I did not want to have anything to do with men. I stopped dating, talking to men and I just focused on the things I had to. I didn't want to be bothered. I have been alone for a long time and having shared this experience with this wonderful young man. Made me realize that having someone special is really a wonderful thing. He helped me move on from the man that I had been in love with for years, because meeting him and getting to know him made me realize that there are so many amazing human beings out there. He made reminded me of how as we get older we start judging situations and we start to build all kinds of ideas about how life "should be" and we forget how good it "can be" Sometimes we get so stuck on the past and on the hurt that people have caused us so much so, that we fail to see those which are sometimes put in our paths, for maybe something wonderful.
For so long, I was so stuck on this other person that had hurt me to the point that I did not want to ever love again and then along comes Magic to remind me that things CAN be magical if we let them. Only if we give people a chance can we really know. I know now that it is ok to give people a chance. And even if I don't find someone to have a meaningful relationship with tomorrow or next month or even next year or 5 years from now. At least I know now that it CAN HAPPEN! that there will be others that will make me feel the magic only if I allow them too. Magic helped me to get my "relationship groove back" by him not kissing me that night, I knew that he cared for me as a person he liked me for me and he was not going to use me.
Although Magic was never my boyfriend and although he and I are no longer friends. I finally know what I want. I know now that I don't want to just give away my valuable kisses. I want to give them to someone special. And maybe on the road to that someone special I will undoubtedly have to kiss some toads, but that is ok. Because at least I will know how far to go with each toad that enters my life. And although I am still terrified, having had shared what I did with Magic will always remind me that in life, there are many many wonderful magical people. And that my magical man is out there somewhere kissing all the wrong girls. I know this for sure....
THANK YOU MAGIC!
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