For the last 6 days, a total of 336 emails have accumulated in a fake mailbox that I created for my project. http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2011/06/jazzys-social-experiment-lying.html 336 letters from strange men, ready to talk to a 32 year old woman from Queens, NYC. Here I am, I think to myself as I raise my hand in my mind. I feel like I'm in a fake world, and I am the fakest one of all. Here I am, but I'm not that woman. That's my picture but that's not really me.
I am not that woman, I don't know how to be an actress I don't know how to act like I'm 32 and I most certainly don't know how to be a lying conniving fake.
I wasn't able to bring myself to answer not even half of those emails and let alone meet any of those people. There were some jerks that wrote me emails I have no doubt about that. And I did respond to a few, but it took way more effort then I thought it would and it was not fun at all. I kept thinking, what if there is even one, that is really looking for someone special, and here I am, lying already.
I cannot bring myself to go through with this project, because just trying to answer an email is a challenge, and time consuming, time that I do not really have. I cringed every time I sent one out. Imagine trying to meet up with one of these men? I kept playing out scenarios in my mind how I would act around them, should I end up meeting them and I realized that I would not be able to carry on an act or a lie.
I could not for the last few days stop thinking about what I was going to do, and even more so, what was my purpose behind it? How would men act if I was more of a "damsel in distress" and then I thought, but that is the truth I am a damsel in distress. I do want help, I do want a best friend, I do want someone to ask me how I am doing and care about my ambitions goals and dreams and most of all I do want love. When the time is right.
So, what act would I really be putting up? I am only good at one act and that is the act that I put up every single day. Because ultimately, we are all actors of our own lives, my life, is my own movie and I have to act the way that feels right to me.
And everyday my act goes a little something like this..... Hi I'm Jazzy and I can handle it all! I am ok! I don't need anyone!! I got this! Who cares if you don't care about me act! Yes, I have to act this way because that's life and it is reality. And we have to be ok and be strong and handle situations and challenges that are put in our lives every single day, because thats just how it is, it is called life and living. But while we are in this everyday act, we should also act with love, honor and pride. Respect ourselves and others. Be mindful of other peoples feelings and accept that everything doesn't always revolve around our selves and that we are all in this together. We are one. Honesty, sincerity and love.
What would I have learned about myself and men that I don't already know? The fact that we are all afraid because taking chances takes courage? The fact that we judge people wrongly without giving them a chance? The fact that we build walls to see who cares enough to brake through them? Because maybe someone has hurt us or we are not ready? Or the fact that the ultimate reward that we all seek is to feel an intimacy with someone else that we feel connected to, that can constantly bring us to sexual ecstasy and fulfill our natural human desire to love and be loved? I already know this, all to well. I need not lie to a bunch of people to figure that out.
That 32 year old woman does not exist, the only woman that does is this one. The one that could not write a story of how she tricked some guy for her own amusement and that of others.
Maybe one day, after I obtain my psychology degree, I will conduct a real study on male behavior, one that will serve a greater good. One that will serve as a means to a more meaningful result. But for now, my experiment concludes here.
I am sorry if I let anyone down, but I really tried, I tried and I failed. I did nothing but think about this. I would open up the email and feel horrible. I would answer one and cringe. Some men that I wrote to once or twice were being really nice to me, and I felt horrible.
This morning, I sent a message to my friend Sean and told him I could not go through with it, and he told me that it was ok, that at least I tried.
My biggest challenge in life has been accepting who I really am and no experiment will change me, only me wanting to change will change who I am, That's the reality.
If I am lucky one day and someone comes into my life and supports my efforts, accepts my assertiveness and aggressive nature, helps me to trust in love and relationships again, then that's awesome. Until then, I am content with spending time with my children, with my friends and my family. With running and writing and studying and learning how to be a better me. Lying is not one of my strengths I'm sorry.
Take me as I am, or watch me as I go. That's how it should be for each and everyone of us.
Thank you.
I am not that woman, I don't know how to be an actress I don't know how to act like I'm 32 and I most certainly don't know how to be a lying conniving fake.
I wasn't able to bring myself to answer not even half of those emails and let alone meet any of those people. There were some jerks that wrote me emails I have no doubt about that. And I did respond to a few, but it took way more effort then I thought it would and it was not fun at all. I kept thinking, what if there is even one, that is really looking for someone special, and here I am, lying already.
I cannot bring myself to go through with this project, because just trying to answer an email is a challenge, and time consuming, time that I do not really have. I cringed every time I sent one out. Imagine trying to meet up with one of these men? I kept playing out scenarios in my mind how I would act around them, should I end up meeting them and I realized that I would not be able to carry on an act or a lie.
I could not for the last few days stop thinking about what I was going to do, and even more so, what was my purpose behind it? How would men act if I was more of a "damsel in distress" and then I thought, but that is the truth I am a damsel in distress. I do want help, I do want a best friend, I do want someone to ask me how I am doing and care about my ambitions goals and dreams and most of all I do want love. When the time is right.
So, what act would I really be putting up? I am only good at one act and that is the act that I put up every single day. Because ultimately, we are all actors of our own lives, my life, is my own movie and I have to act the way that feels right to me.
And everyday my act goes a little something like this..... Hi I'm Jazzy and I can handle it all! I am ok! I don't need anyone!! I got this! Who cares if you don't care about me act! Yes, I have to act this way because that's life and it is reality. And we have to be ok and be strong and handle situations and challenges that are put in our lives every single day, because thats just how it is, it is called life and living. But while we are in this everyday act, we should also act with love, honor and pride. Respect ourselves and others. Be mindful of other peoples feelings and accept that everything doesn't always revolve around our selves and that we are all in this together. We are one. Honesty, sincerity and love.
What would I have learned about myself and men that I don't already know? The fact that we are all afraid because taking chances takes courage? The fact that we judge people wrongly without giving them a chance? The fact that we build walls to see who cares enough to brake through them? Because maybe someone has hurt us or we are not ready? Or the fact that the ultimate reward that we all seek is to feel an intimacy with someone else that we feel connected to, that can constantly bring us to sexual ecstasy and fulfill our natural human desire to love and be loved? I already know this, all to well. I need not lie to a bunch of people to figure that out.
That 32 year old woman does not exist, the only woman that does is this one. The one that could not write a story of how she tricked some guy for her own amusement and that of others.
Maybe one day, after I obtain my psychology degree, I will conduct a real study on male behavior, one that will serve a greater good. One that will serve as a means to a more meaningful result. But for now, my experiment concludes here.
I am sorry if I let anyone down, but I really tried, I tried and I failed. I did nothing but think about this. I would open up the email and feel horrible. I would answer one and cringe. Some men that I wrote to once or twice were being really nice to me, and I felt horrible.
This morning, I sent a message to my friend Sean and told him I could not go through with it, and he told me that it was ok, that at least I tried.
My biggest challenge in life has been accepting who I really am and no experiment will change me, only me wanting to change will change who I am, That's the reality.
If I am lucky one day and someone comes into my life and supports my efforts, accepts my assertiveness and aggressive nature, helps me to trust in love and relationships again, then that's awesome. Until then, I am content with spending time with my children, with my friends and my family. With running and writing and studying and learning how to be a better me. Lying is not one of my strengths I'm sorry.
Take me as I am, or watch me as I go. That's how it should be for each and everyone of us.
Thank you.
No comments:
Post a Comment