Last week, I heard from two different friends this same story. I have primarily male friends because I reallly get along well with the opposite sex. I have female friends as well, but very few. It's always been that way, ever since I was younger. I just really enjoy friendships with men better then women.
My male friends always come to me for advice and I usually while they are telling me these female horror stories, I'm usually in disbelief and almost want to take notes on what NOT to do if I'm ever in a relationship again. But of course the reality is that each and every person is their own world and although most humans behave in the same manner due in part to social and ethical rules. There are some people that are just really unique in ways that others may not understand them.
Last week, one of my male friends was telling me that he was sick and tired of his girlfriend smoking and how he had given her an ultimatum of him or the cigarettes. Then, last night I'm talking to another friend who was having the same issue with his girl. When they told me this, I automatically had flash backs about my experience with this situation.
So the first thing I asked them both was, when you met her did she smoke? Both of them answered yes. And so that leads me to what this blog post is about. This topic is something that I strongly believe in and although we all as adults know this all to well, we still refuse to accept it.
Ever heard of the phrase...."you can't teach an old dog new tricks?"
People will ONLY EVER CHANGE a habit or something about their personality, ONLY, AND if they themselves wish to change it. End of story!
Why is it so hard for us as human beings to recognize and accept this? Furthermore, why is it that when we become serious with another individual meaning once we have formed a serious relationship, we always start trying to change little things about the other person. Didn't you know this about the person going in? Why do we use our love for each other as a tool to manipulate each other? I DON'T UNDERSTAND THAT!
That's not what love and relationships are about. When we are in love with someone, we are supposed to accept them just as they are. Of course there will always be things that each individual can decide on self improving, but it shouldn't be based on the request of the other person or on the fact that the other person is giving you an ultimatum. That is not love, that is manipulation of the love the two individuals share.
Love is accepting the person just as they are. Now, I'm not saying that when you are in a relationship, you can't tell the person you love, that you would really like it if they wouldn't do xyz. However, you shouldn't expect that person to change whatever you are requesting them to change just because all of a sudden, that habit or that personality trait that you knew this person had, is annoying you.
When we are in a couple situation, and the person you love makes a request of you, then you should think about it and if you decide to change it, it should be because you yourself recognize the validity of the request. But to right out let someone manipulate you based on the fact that they know you love them or vice versa is just plain wrong. And ultimately these situations can put a big burden on the relationship. If you choose to change something that the person you love is requesting of you, it should be based on the fact that you love yourself enough to see it also and accept that maybe the requestor has a valid point.
You always have to love yourself, before you can love someone else. Why? because only when we love ourself, can we understand that the request of the person we are with, is valid and genuine. That this person who loves us is asking something of us, because they identify things that maybe we are lacking and when someone truly loves you, they want you to be the best you can be.
In the case of a cigarette, or any habit that is adapted and not a personally trait, then obviously the requestor is only asking this of you because they love you and care for you enough that they want you to be healthy. I think that when a couple identifies these things and both are willing to try to change things because they feel that the request is genuine and based on love not manipulations then if you can make that happen, it will only make the relationship stronger.
My ex husband met me as a smoker. A couple of years down the line he started complaining about my smoking. I understood that he was concerned about my health and I knew that quitting would ultimately be for to my best interest and health. Yet I did not want to quit, I enjoyed smoking. One day, I went to kiss him and he turned away from me and was like, I'm not kissing you again, I feel like I'm kissing an ashtray! When he said that, I was both embarrassed and extemely pissed off and also very hurt. How fucking dare he! We had been together for a long time and he had always kissed me with no problem, yet all of a sudden it was a problem.
So, what did I do? I cold turkey stopped smoking or at least that's what he thought. I let him manipulate me because I could not, "so I thought" live without his kisses. Of course when ever I could and he wasn't around, I would smoke to my hearts contentment. And if I would get caught, we would get into huge arguments. I started feeling as if I didn't have a husband, but rather I had a father. I started feeling resentment towards my husband based on this.
So what happens when we start to try and manipulate the person we love by using just that, their love for us? Well, I'm no relationship expert, but based on my own experiences, it's obvious to me that doing such things only servers as a gate way to big problems.
My friend KJ once told me, Jazzy, you can ask someone to quit a habit and hope that they will, because it's a habit and habits can be broken, but you can't ask a person to change something about their personalities and expect them to do it just to please you. Yes, maybe they will for a little while, to make you happy, but ultimately we only change when we really want to when we are really ready to do so.
This is so extremely true. In one of my favorite books, Men Woman and Relationships. The first thing that Dr. John Gray explains, is that self actualization is a step we should take for ourselves and that accepting our loved one just as they are, is a key component of a successful relationship. He explains that our unique differences make for a long lasting successful relationship only when we learn how to embrace the other persons differences from our own. I particularly think that this is awesome.
Honestly speaking, I think that if I was with someone just like me, I would probably want to kill him. I'm not the easiest person in the world. But I am open to change and being better. Maybe if my husband would of known better or even if I would of known better, things wouldn't have become so bitter. And a small thing wouldn't have become a big thing. However, it was and it did. I'm not blaming him. I'm blaming us for not trying or educating ourselves enough to make it work.
I also know that in my marriage, I completely changed or tried to change who I was, just to please my man. I did all of that for absolutely nothing because here I am writing about it because I am no longer with him.
The worst part is that once I was out of the relationship, I felt like I had been let out of a 10year bid in a penitentary that was my life. Once I was single, I went on a mission to try to prove to myself who I really was, because in trying to please him, I lost myself.
I started smoking again as soon as I became single because well "I felt like it" and no one could tell me shit. Now I think about that and wonder if that wasn't just me rebelling against him. Almost like saying, look we broke up and I'm doing exactly what bothers you. Ultimately though, I was hurting myself, we all know all to well that smoking isn't healthy.
I have since quit smoking, I don't enjoy it and I prefer to have a healthier life. I love to run and when I was running while I was still smoking, it felt horrible. I quit, because I was ready to, not because some one told me I had to. I quit, because I have slowly learned how to love myself, accept myself and understand that he who will love me one day, will have to love me, just as I am.
I learned that by allowing someone to manipulate me by using the love I had for him, I was only hurting myself and even him. We were so different yet I wanted to do anything to please him, even if that caused me to be un happy.
Basically my point with this blog post is, instead of going around trying to change the person we love, why don't we give them the freedom to make their own personal choices and respect them as individuals. Just because you are with someone, that doesn't make them your property. Respecting each other's individuality is extremely important.
I am no expert in psychology or relationships or any of that. However, I enjoy reading self help books and always try to learn from my mistakes. I constantly try to be a better me, because being a better me, will make me a better mother, daughter, sister, friend and one day a better partner to someone who comes into my life.
It is important to make sure that when we are in love with someone, we constantly remind ourselves of what was the thing that made us love them in the first place and use that as a focus to not become to critical of the new things that we may start to see that we all of a sudden "don't like" about the one we love. Being in a successful relationship takes a lot of love and understanding and patience and trust and communication. But also, we have to understand that we as individuals are constantly changing and that change is necessary and good.
Remember, take me as I am, or watch me as I go. Don't loose the one you love over petty things that can easily be remedied.
And that is all Dr. Jazzy has to say about that.... over and out!
My male friends always come to me for advice and I usually while they are telling me these female horror stories, I'm usually in disbelief and almost want to take notes on what NOT to do if I'm ever in a relationship again. But of course the reality is that each and every person is their own world and although most humans behave in the same manner due in part to social and ethical rules. There are some people that are just really unique in ways that others may not understand them.
Last week, one of my male friends was telling me that he was sick and tired of his girlfriend smoking and how he had given her an ultimatum of him or the cigarettes. Then, last night I'm talking to another friend who was having the same issue with his girl. When they told me this, I automatically had flash backs about my experience with this situation.
So the first thing I asked them both was, when you met her did she smoke? Both of them answered yes. And so that leads me to what this blog post is about. This topic is something that I strongly believe in and although we all as adults know this all to well, we still refuse to accept it.
Ever heard of the phrase...."you can't teach an old dog new tricks?"
People will ONLY EVER CHANGE a habit or something about their personality, ONLY, AND if they themselves wish to change it. End of story!
Why is it so hard for us as human beings to recognize and accept this? Furthermore, why is it that when we become serious with another individual meaning once we have formed a serious relationship, we always start trying to change little things about the other person. Didn't you know this about the person going in? Why do we use our love for each other as a tool to manipulate each other? I DON'T UNDERSTAND THAT!
That's not what love and relationships are about. When we are in love with someone, we are supposed to accept them just as they are. Of course there will always be things that each individual can decide on self improving, but it shouldn't be based on the request of the other person or on the fact that the other person is giving you an ultimatum. That is not love, that is manipulation of the love the two individuals share.
Love is accepting the person just as they are. Now, I'm not saying that when you are in a relationship, you can't tell the person you love, that you would really like it if they wouldn't do xyz. However, you shouldn't expect that person to change whatever you are requesting them to change just because all of a sudden, that habit or that personality trait that you knew this person had, is annoying you.
When we are in a couple situation, and the person you love makes a request of you, then you should think about it and if you decide to change it, it should be because you yourself recognize the validity of the request. But to right out let someone manipulate you based on the fact that they know you love them or vice versa is just plain wrong. And ultimately these situations can put a big burden on the relationship. If you choose to change something that the person you love is requesting of you, it should be based on the fact that you love yourself enough to see it also and accept that maybe the requestor has a valid point.
You always have to love yourself, before you can love someone else. Why? because only when we love ourself, can we understand that the request of the person we are with, is valid and genuine. That this person who loves us is asking something of us, because they identify things that maybe we are lacking and when someone truly loves you, they want you to be the best you can be.
In the case of a cigarette, or any habit that is adapted and not a personally trait, then obviously the requestor is only asking this of you because they love you and care for you enough that they want you to be healthy. I think that when a couple identifies these things and both are willing to try to change things because they feel that the request is genuine and based on love not manipulations then if you can make that happen, it will only make the relationship stronger.
My ex husband met me as a smoker. A couple of years down the line he started complaining about my smoking. I understood that he was concerned about my health and I knew that quitting would ultimately be for to my best interest and health. Yet I did not want to quit, I enjoyed smoking. One day, I went to kiss him and he turned away from me and was like, I'm not kissing you again, I feel like I'm kissing an ashtray! When he said that, I was both embarrassed and extemely pissed off and also very hurt. How fucking dare he! We had been together for a long time and he had always kissed me with no problem, yet all of a sudden it was a problem.
So, what did I do? I cold turkey stopped smoking or at least that's what he thought. I let him manipulate me because I could not, "so I thought" live without his kisses. Of course when ever I could and he wasn't around, I would smoke to my hearts contentment. And if I would get caught, we would get into huge arguments. I started feeling as if I didn't have a husband, but rather I had a father. I started feeling resentment towards my husband based on this.
So what happens when we start to try and manipulate the person we love by using just that, their love for us? Well, I'm no relationship expert, but based on my own experiences, it's obvious to me that doing such things only servers as a gate way to big problems.
My friend KJ once told me, Jazzy, you can ask someone to quit a habit and hope that they will, because it's a habit and habits can be broken, but you can't ask a person to change something about their personalities and expect them to do it just to please you. Yes, maybe they will for a little while, to make you happy, but ultimately we only change when we really want to when we are really ready to do so.
This is so extremely true. In one of my favorite books, Men Woman and Relationships. The first thing that Dr. John Gray explains, is that self actualization is a step we should take for ourselves and that accepting our loved one just as they are, is a key component of a successful relationship. He explains that our unique differences make for a long lasting successful relationship only when we learn how to embrace the other persons differences from our own. I particularly think that this is awesome.
Honestly speaking, I think that if I was with someone just like me, I would probably want to kill him. I'm not the easiest person in the world. But I am open to change and being better. Maybe if my husband would of known better or even if I would of known better, things wouldn't have become so bitter. And a small thing wouldn't have become a big thing. However, it was and it did. I'm not blaming him. I'm blaming us for not trying or educating ourselves enough to make it work.
I also know that in my marriage, I completely changed or tried to change who I was, just to please my man. I did all of that for absolutely nothing because here I am writing about it because I am no longer with him.
The worst part is that once I was out of the relationship, I felt like I had been let out of a 10year bid in a penitentary that was my life. Once I was single, I went on a mission to try to prove to myself who I really was, because in trying to please him, I lost myself.
I started smoking again as soon as I became single because well "I felt like it" and no one could tell me shit. Now I think about that and wonder if that wasn't just me rebelling against him. Almost like saying, look we broke up and I'm doing exactly what bothers you. Ultimately though, I was hurting myself, we all know all to well that smoking isn't healthy.
I have since quit smoking, I don't enjoy it and I prefer to have a healthier life. I love to run and when I was running while I was still smoking, it felt horrible. I quit, because I was ready to, not because some one told me I had to. I quit, because I have slowly learned how to love myself, accept myself and understand that he who will love me one day, will have to love me, just as I am.
I learned that by allowing someone to manipulate me by using the love I had for him, I was only hurting myself and even him. We were so different yet I wanted to do anything to please him, even if that caused me to be un happy.
Basically my point with this blog post is, instead of going around trying to change the person we love, why don't we give them the freedom to make their own personal choices and respect them as individuals. Just because you are with someone, that doesn't make them your property. Respecting each other's individuality is extremely important.
I am no expert in psychology or relationships or any of that. However, I enjoy reading self help books and always try to learn from my mistakes. I constantly try to be a better me, because being a better me, will make me a better mother, daughter, sister, friend and one day a better partner to someone who comes into my life.
It is important to make sure that when we are in love with someone, we constantly remind ourselves of what was the thing that made us love them in the first place and use that as a focus to not become to critical of the new things that we may start to see that we all of a sudden "don't like" about the one we love. Being in a successful relationship takes a lot of love and understanding and patience and trust and communication. But also, we have to understand that we as individuals are constantly changing and that change is necessary and good.
Remember, take me as I am, or watch me as I go. Don't loose the one you love over petty things that can easily be remedied.
And that is all Dr. Jazzy has to say about that.... over and out!
No comments:
Post a Comment