The sheets on my full size bed are green with horizontal blue white and red lines on them. I don't have a bed frame, they sort of annoy me and I always sit at the head of the bed with a pillow on my back, my legs stretched out and my Mac Book Pro on my lap. The bed is positioned right near a window where there is a fire escape and a flower pot on the window sill. I like to listen to the sounds on the street as I write. And at this very moment, I feel the breeze that is coming in from the open window, on my legs. Yes I know, you are probably like what is she talking about??? well, I am actually trying to describe a setting. This is something I was learning at my creative writing class. Pretty cool stuff!
Now that I have captured your attention with my lame description above. Let me get down and dirty and tell you what I'm really writing about tonight. This post as I try to type as fast as I can with my new french manicure that I got earlier today, is about letting go. How am I going to let him go.........
It was 8:20 am at the New York Hospital on June 26th 1994. I was screaming so fucking hard that the nurse yelled at me, she told me to calm down! I wanted to tell her to go fuck herself, but even in the state of pain that I was in, I still managed to keep my manners. After 3 hours of the most horrific pain I had ever felt in my entire life, there he was my first born. I wanted them to grab that child and take him as far away from me as possible. When they put him in his dads arms, his dad held him and said OMG! I love him! and when he turned to me and asked me if I did, I told him no. This was the truth, I felt absolutely nothing for this little human who had just caused me severe horrific pain, I wanted him and his dad to disappear from my vision. As they took me away and I doze off and on, all I could think of was that I was so glad that the pain was gone and that I never wanted to have that sort of pain again in my entire life. About an hour later, I began to feel a sense of anxiety. Where is my baby I kept asking, where is he? I want to see him. When they finally brought him to me and finally placed him in my arms, I FELL IN COMPLETE UNCONDITIONAL LOVE WITH HIM.......
Last Saturday night I asked him and my 11 year old son to please go to the movies with me. They both looked at me and said they didn't want to. When that happened, I completely lost it. I started cursing and yelling and telling both of them that I was going to find myself a man and when I did, they would never have any of my time. I kept yelling, telling them that I didn't give a shit that they didn't want to hang out with me anymore, that I didn't care because the minute I found myself a man I would always be with him and I didn't want to hear a damn thing from their mouths, when I no longer had time for them because I would be spending with him( my new man) the 3 hours a week that I had to myself! (ok I am exaggerating, I might have 4 hours of free time in my week) but still the point was that I wanted to spend that time with them and they were saying no to me. And on and on I went flipping out like a crazy woman as my sister and my good friend Vito looked on (this was all going on in my sisters backyard). At one point, my friend Vito, felt so bad for me, that he started telling them that they should just go to the movies with me. As he did that, I told him to forget it because it didn't matter I was going to go out and find myself a man and forget about them. As I am writing this, I can't help but to laugh at that whole scene. It was quite comical now that I think about it. Especially the finding myself a man part (yeah ok) but at that moment I was so extremely angry that I just let it all out.
I grabbed my 3 year old daughter while yelling at them, thank God I have my baby girl, I picked her up strapped her into her chair got in the driver seat and began driving away while still yelling saying watch! you watch and see! then I looked back at my daughter who was looking a bit confused by the whole commotion and I asked her, do you love mommy? and she said yes. I calmed down after that little moment of love and all was good.
During my Philosophy works class that same week, I began to tell the class about my little scenario and as I was doing so, I realized something that I was not aware of. In that moment, I realized that I wasn't upset at the fact that they didn't want to go with me to the stupid movie (I could of called one of my friends). What I was really upset about was the fact that my boys are growing up and I have absolutely no idea how to stop this from continuing to happen, I have no idea how to let go of my babies. Someone please help me??? please I don't know what to do?? My anger that night was not about the movies or them not wanting to go, my anger was because the inevitable is happening and I have no control over it. It is so extremely scary watching as your children get older and don't need you anymore. I feel so helpless sometimes, I feel like I just want to put them in a little box lock it up and stop time. How scary is this that I don't know how to handle it.
Times like these I wish there were manuals on how to let go. How to accept that they will grow up and go away and that it is ok because for so many years we have taken care of them and taught them how to go out there and do a good job. Be good people, blend in with society, work hard, be respectful of others. Be kind and generous and loving to others. At least that is what I have always tried to do.
For 17 years I have been mother and father to my son. When he masturbated for the very first time as any normal boy does, he came to me and asked me questions that I did not know how to answer. How do I answer boy questions when I am a girl? so I did what I could to answer it, I told him it was a normal process of life and he shouldn't feel guilty, I told him that there was nothing wrong with feeling the way he did (I'm using this example because it was one of the most difficult questions I had to answer while my boy was growing up). And then I ran to the phone to call my male cousins to ask them what they felt, what to say, PLEASE GUYS HELP ME, is what I remember telling them.
It is so difficult to let go of my baby boy, but he is no such thing anymore. My baby that I didn't love for an hour after his birth, is becoming a man. My first true love is growing and Jazzy has to accept this and be proud of her baby. But I am scared, I don't know how to let him go? how do I do this?
All I can say is, that if you come across my blog and you read this post and you happen to have young children, make sure that you enjoy every single minute of it. Stop and listen to them talk, observe their little hands and feet. Touch their faces and kiss and hug them as much as possible. Time flies by it creeps up on you. Yes I still kiss and hug my boy, but it's different, he is a young man now with his own ideas, thoughts.
If you happen to come across this blog post and you have older children or teenagers and you are feeling what I described, then this only means that you are quite the normal person. We are all in this together. We all go through the same things. It's called life.
Now that I have captured your attention with my lame description above. Let me get down and dirty and tell you what I'm really writing about tonight. This post as I try to type as fast as I can with my new french manicure that I got earlier today, is about letting go. How am I going to let him go.........
It was 8:20 am at the New York Hospital on June 26th 1994. I was screaming so fucking hard that the nurse yelled at me, she told me to calm down! I wanted to tell her to go fuck herself, but even in the state of pain that I was in, I still managed to keep my manners. After 3 hours of the most horrific pain I had ever felt in my entire life, there he was my first born. I wanted them to grab that child and take him as far away from me as possible. When they put him in his dads arms, his dad held him and said OMG! I love him! and when he turned to me and asked me if I did, I told him no. This was the truth, I felt absolutely nothing for this little human who had just caused me severe horrific pain, I wanted him and his dad to disappear from my vision. As they took me away and I doze off and on, all I could think of was that I was so glad that the pain was gone and that I never wanted to have that sort of pain again in my entire life. About an hour later, I began to feel a sense of anxiety. Where is my baby I kept asking, where is he? I want to see him. When they finally brought him to me and finally placed him in my arms, I FELL IN COMPLETE UNCONDITIONAL LOVE WITH HIM.......
Last Saturday night I asked him and my 11 year old son to please go to the movies with me. They both looked at me and said they didn't want to. When that happened, I completely lost it. I started cursing and yelling and telling both of them that I was going to find myself a man and when I did, they would never have any of my time. I kept yelling, telling them that I didn't give a shit that they didn't want to hang out with me anymore, that I didn't care because the minute I found myself a man I would always be with him and I didn't want to hear a damn thing from their mouths, when I no longer had time for them because I would be spending with him( my new man) the 3 hours a week that I had to myself! (ok I am exaggerating, I might have 4 hours of free time in my week) but still the point was that I wanted to spend that time with them and they were saying no to me. And on and on I went flipping out like a crazy woman as my sister and my good friend Vito looked on (this was all going on in my sisters backyard). At one point, my friend Vito, felt so bad for me, that he started telling them that they should just go to the movies with me. As he did that, I told him to forget it because it didn't matter I was going to go out and find myself a man and forget about them. As I am writing this, I can't help but to laugh at that whole scene. It was quite comical now that I think about it. Especially the finding myself a man part (yeah ok) but at that moment I was so extremely angry that I just let it all out.
I grabbed my 3 year old daughter while yelling at them, thank God I have my baby girl, I picked her up strapped her into her chair got in the driver seat and began driving away while still yelling saying watch! you watch and see! then I looked back at my daughter who was looking a bit confused by the whole commotion and I asked her, do you love mommy? and she said yes. I calmed down after that little moment of love and all was good.
During my Philosophy works class that same week, I began to tell the class about my little scenario and as I was doing so, I realized something that I was not aware of. In that moment, I realized that I wasn't upset at the fact that they didn't want to go with me to the stupid movie (I could of called one of my friends). What I was really upset about was the fact that my boys are growing up and I have absolutely no idea how to stop this from continuing to happen, I have no idea how to let go of my babies. Someone please help me??? please I don't know what to do?? My anger that night was not about the movies or them not wanting to go, my anger was because the inevitable is happening and I have no control over it. It is so extremely scary watching as your children get older and don't need you anymore. I feel so helpless sometimes, I feel like I just want to put them in a little box lock it up and stop time. How scary is this that I don't know how to handle it.
Times like these I wish there were manuals on how to let go. How to accept that they will grow up and go away and that it is ok because for so many years we have taken care of them and taught them how to go out there and do a good job. Be good people, blend in with society, work hard, be respectful of others. Be kind and generous and loving to others. At least that is what I have always tried to do.
For 17 years I have been mother and father to my son. When he masturbated for the very first time as any normal boy does, he came to me and asked me questions that I did not know how to answer. How do I answer boy questions when I am a girl? so I did what I could to answer it, I told him it was a normal process of life and he shouldn't feel guilty, I told him that there was nothing wrong with feeling the way he did (I'm using this example because it was one of the most difficult questions I had to answer while my boy was growing up). And then I ran to the phone to call my male cousins to ask them what they felt, what to say, PLEASE GUYS HELP ME, is what I remember telling them.
It is so difficult to let go of my baby boy, but he is no such thing anymore. My baby that I didn't love for an hour after his birth, is becoming a man. My first true love is growing and Jazzy has to accept this and be proud of her baby. But I am scared, I don't know how to let him go? how do I do this?
All I can say is, that if you come across my blog and you read this post and you happen to have young children, make sure that you enjoy every single minute of it. Stop and listen to them talk, observe their little hands and feet. Touch their faces and kiss and hug them as much as possible. Time flies by it creeps up on you. Yes I still kiss and hug my boy, but it's different, he is a young man now with his own ideas, thoughts.
If you happen to come across this blog post and you have older children or teenagers and you are feeling what I described, then this only means that you are quite the normal person. We are all in this together. We all go through the same things. It's called life.
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