Dear Journal -
I'm sitting on the train on my way home from my Philosophy class, and I can't stop thinking about how awful I feel about the fact that I am going to lie to a whole bunch of people for my experiment. I feel awful, yet I feel the need to do this, I will not rest until I try.
Through out today, I kept thinking about how I was going to write this apologetic letter in case during my experiment I meet someone who turns out to be awesome and I end up caught in my own game. But after my class I was walking with someone I had never really talked to before, and I told her about my project and she said that she observed that the whole time I was talking about it I was being apologetic about it. In other words, I was judging myself as being a horrible person for doing this.
She is right, I do keep apologizing to people I haven't even met in my mind. Which means that this is something I really really need to do. She said that she thought it was a good idea and that I would probably learn a lot about myself by doing this. I'm really glad I spoke to her about this, because it was a fresh perspective about my whole idea.
I'm so excited to do this. The best part about the whole thing is that I won't have to be me, so I will be freeing myself of my own judgements about myself. I can be whomever I want to be and it will be awesome. In addition, by me not judging myself when I start meeting these people, I won't have judgements on them either. It will be almost as if I am observing two people from far. I will be observing myself from far. In order for this to work, I have to play a role.
When I was 12 I took acting lessons, let's see how much of them I will remember. I can't wait to see what I will be learning about men and myself in this process. I will be posting my ad on CL soon, but I will not blog about it. I am not write about this again until I go on my first date. I will not say when I will be going, because I don't know when it will be, I have to do all of this when it feels right. I have to prepare myself mentally and emotionally. I can't wait!
I feel like I'm almost ready. I can and will do it. If for some miraculous reason, I meet someone that I feel is someone with potential, I will not drag the game and I will tell that person right away. There is no need for me to write an apology letter not knowing if such a thing will even happen. The last time I on-line dated, I did not meet not one single man that I had any real interest in, so what's to say this time It will be any more successful. It is what it is, and only time will tell. If things start to feel weird I will stop. I don't owe anything to anyone, I am doing this for me and me only.
Today was a beautiful day. I really enjoyed the few minutes when I sat down in Central Park. I was happy to walk for 20 blocks with my new female friend. I loved looking at all the beautiful women on my train rides throughout the day, all of them looking beautiful with their different body shapes and beautiful cloths. We women are so beautiful it's amazing.
And then the 3 cute guys on the train that invited me to the Yankee game, what the hell was I thinking??? I should of went, although that was all talk on their part. The whole time while I was riding, one of them kept bumping into me, so at one point I flat out pocked him on his waist, when he turned around I was laughing and I asked them why they were all wearing white tee shirts? something they themselves had not even noticed. I asked them if it was some sort of uniform, almost making fun of them and they said it was and that I should come with them to the ball game. All talk of course, I got off the train and never even looked back at them. Who cares, men all talk shit!
And then on my way out of the train station I met that guy, what's his name? That was a bit weird, he had really beautiful green eyes, but was too short. Here I go again already not liking things about people, to short, eyes to green, smile to pretty! what the hell is wrong with me??? but it's true, he seemed really cool though, he was so stupid instead of talking to me he walked by my side for like a block, he was walking next to me as if we were two people that knew each other. I had to say something because him walking by my side was sort of annoying. What did you buy I asked because he was carrying a bag. He told me that he was coming from the beach, I could tell he had being drinking. Trying to pick me up with alcohol breath GROSS! it's only ok if I am drinking as well.
All in all dear journal it was a most pleasant day in NYC.....
I'm sitting on the train on my way home from my Philosophy class, and I can't stop thinking about how awful I feel about the fact that I am going to lie to a whole bunch of people for my experiment. I feel awful, yet I feel the need to do this, I will not rest until I try.
Through out today, I kept thinking about how I was going to write this apologetic letter in case during my experiment I meet someone who turns out to be awesome and I end up caught in my own game. But after my class I was walking with someone I had never really talked to before, and I told her about my project and she said that she observed that the whole time I was talking about it I was being apologetic about it. In other words, I was judging myself as being a horrible person for doing this.
She is right, I do keep apologizing to people I haven't even met in my mind. Which means that this is something I really really need to do. She said that she thought it was a good idea and that I would probably learn a lot about myself by doing this. I'm really glad I spoke to her about this, because it was a fresh perspective about my whole idea.
I'm so excited to do this. The best part about the whole thing is that I won't have to be me, so I will be freeing myself of my own judgements about myself. I can be whomever I want to be and it will be awesome. In addition, by me not judging myself when I start meeting these people, I won't have judgements on them either. It will be almost as if I am observing two people from far. I will be observing myself from far. In order for this to work, I have to play a role.
When I was 12 I took acting lessons, let's see how much of them I will remember. I can't wait to see what I will be learning about men and myself in this process. I will be posting my ad on CL soon, but I will not blog about it. I am not write about this again until I go on my first date. I will not say when I will be going, because I don't know when it will be, I have to do all of this when it feels right. I have to prepare myself mentally and emotionally. I can't wait!
I feel like I'm almost ready. I can and will do it. If for some miraculous reason, I meet someone that I feel is someone with potential, I will not drag the game and I will tell that person right away. There is no need for me to write an apology letter not knowing if such a thing will even happen. The last time I on-line dated, I did not meet not one single man that I had any real interest in, so what's to say this time It will be any more successful. It is what it is, and only time will tell. If things start to feel weird I will stop. I don't owe anything to anyone, I am doing this for me and me only.
Today was a beautiful day. I really enjoyed the few minutes when I sat down in Central Park. I was happy to walk for 20 blocks with my new female friend. I loved looking at all the beautiful women on my train rides throughout the day, all of them looking beautiful with their different body shapes and beautiful cloths. We women are so beautiful it's amazing.
And then the 3 cute guys on the train that invited me to the Yankee game, what the hell was I thinking??? I should of went, although that was all talk on their part. The whole time while I was riding, one of them kept bumping into me, so at one point I flat out pocked him on his waist, when he turned around I was laughing and I asked them why they were all wearing white tee shirts? something they themselves had not even noticed. I asked them if it was some sort of uniform, almost making fun of them and they said it was and that I should come with them to the ball game. All talk of course, I got off the train and never even looked back at them. Who cares, men all talk shit!
And then on my way out of the train station I met that guy, what's his name? That was a bit weird, he had really beautiful green eyes, but was too short. Here I go again already not liking things about people, to short, eyes to green, smile to pretty! what the hell is wrong with me??? but it's true, he seemed really cool though, he was so stupid instead of talking to me he walked by my side for like a block, he was walking next to me as if we were two people that knew each other. I had to say something because him walking by my side was sort of annoying. What did you buy I asked because he was carrying a bag. He told me that he was coming from the beach, I could tell he had being drinking. Trying to pick me up with alcohol breath GROSS! it's only ok if I am drinking as well.
All in all dear journal it was a most pleasant day in NYC.....
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