Crying on the freeway.....

The other day I was driving home and this song comes on the radio and all of a sudden, I found myself crying like an idiot ok maybe not like an idiot, maybe more like someone that was deeply hurt by someone who played a terrible game with her heart.  Anyway, I cried as I was driving down the West Side Highway in New York City with views of the boats on the harbor and New Jersey right across the water.  The sky's were gray and it was a gloomy day, the air was chilly with a misty feel to it.  It was lovely and maybe that is why I felt a bit melancholic.  

Of course the fact that I had seen him a few days earlier couldn't have helped the matter.  When I see him, I can't even look at him.  It is too difficult.  Maybe the truth of the matter is that I am still in love with him, and I just decided to hide those feelings in the deepest of my heart.  When I saw him and we were sitting two seats away from each other in our Philosophy class I looked his way by accident and I noticed his profile, my mind immediately began to say, OH MY GOD! my soul mate is sitting one person away from me.  My LOVE! so I immediately took a deep breath and began to concentrate on what the teacher was saying.  Next week will be our last class together.  I may never see him again in my life.  WOW.  Maybe time will heal these wounds.  My friend my love, that I never even shared a kiss with.  What would his kisses have tasted like?

Anyway, when this song first came out in 2009 I was in serious denial that I was completely in love with my friend and I was so afraid to tell him that I waited and waited.  I would listen to this song and think of him and want so bad to send it to him, but I never did.  Instead I acted crazy and lost him.  I was so scared of what I felt, I couldn't believe it.  But I had just gotten out of a loveless marriage and I wasn't ready to go be with anyone.  He was my friend who gave me advice and told me everything would be ok.  While I was in labor having my 3 year old daughter, in the middle of my labor pains while my ex husband was trying to comfort me, all I could think of was I wish he was here not you (my ex and I were already broken up, he was only there because I was having his child).  The minute I had her and I was able to get to a phone, my friend was the first person I told.  So many memories of my friend Benjamin Nunez (that's not his real name).

If there is one thing that I learned from that experience is that, you should never keep something like that from someone.   The longer you wait and the more you fall, the harder it will be.  When I told him, he told me he didn't love me back and the devastation of it lead me to act all sorts of crazy.  Maybe if I would of told him early on when I began to feel these things for him, I would have saved myself a lot of grief.  But what else can I say other then, I live and learn.

You would think that at my age, I would know it all when it comes to love and relationships.  Yet I don't know a damn thing.  All I know is that I cried listening to this song, maybe for that moment I allowed my true feelings to come out.  I don't think of him as much as I once did yet someone told me that the fact that I can't even look at him, means I still care.  Who knows and quite frankly who cares.  Moving on is difficult, but not impossible......

If you love somebody, LET THEM KNOW!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GPCRbuL4Oh8&feature=fvwrel