I wasn't going to continue to share these letters, because I am past that episode of my life, however, last night I saw this ex friend of mine who I was in love with for almost 4 years and he did something that I felt EXTREMELY disgusted in and I thought to myself. Wow! I CANNOT believe I was in love with that man! I'm disgusted in myself.
After he stopped talking to me. I was so devastated about it that I tried for 2 and a half years to make up with him. I wrote him over 500 letters asking him to forgive me and he ignored every single one. I don't know if he ever read them, but something tells me that he did. Actually in that time frame I saw him and he asked me questions based on the letters I had written. Basically, he read every single one, but he just didn't feel like writing back. Here is a link to the story http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2011/03/letters-to-friend-series-letter-1-my.html
Yesterday, I saw him and after I saw something that I did not like that he did. I decided that I didn't want to talk to him or even be in the same space with him, so, I gave him the same treatment that he afforded me for almost three years. I ignored him, but un like him, I ignored him to his face. I did not need to hide behind a computer or a phone or anything to ignore him, I ignored him right to his face. It wasn't difficult at all, I had absolutely no desire to speak to this individual. NO DESIRE AT ALL! which makes me believe, that what you do to others, will be done back to you and that when someone hurts you instead of getting revenge on them, you just let life and time and Karma take it's course.
I never ever wanted to revenge anything. I am not a vengeful person. However, last night, I had absolutely no desire to speak to this individual. When I left the place we were both at, I felt good. Not because I was able to ignore him, that part did not take any effort, I just really did not want to associate with him. I just felt good because in my heart and soul, I know that I am ok, I know that I am over him.
The letter below I sent to him on May 1, 2010.....HE NEVER RESPONDED.......
Good evening Friend -
Today was a good day, I went to Coney Island (unplanned) because I had to stop by my sisters house and she said she was going so I felt bad for my kids since I don't spend enough time with them and I don't ever take them anywhere :( and I decided to go as well. I actually had a nice time. I love coney Island, because coney Island is a real NYC place. I remember once upon a time when Coney Island was so extremely ghetto even I was afraid to go there, there would always be all these thugs all over the place trying to rob everyone. I would still go though, especially on the 4th of July. I remember my friends and I would go get tanned up at the beach and then go out to the clubs afterwards, looking all cute with our new tans. Definitely fun times.
Coney Island has surely changed, it is a diverse group of people now and they cleaned up the beach and they are trying to make it really fancy. So, I went and got on the Wonder Wheel, the one where I had once imagined we would share our first kiss. Now, I kind of think you probably wouldn't get on the wonder wheel I just don't see you as an amusement park type of guy, you're probably afraid of roller coasters. But who knows, maybe i'm wrong I don't think while we were friends I ever got to ask you about that.
Anywho, when I got on it today, I thought of you but not in a sad way though, I was ok, I got on it with my two boys and niece and it was really nice and a bit scary. Little by little this tough girl is becoming a chicken, things I wasn't afraid of before frighten me wtf! getting older, it really sucks! my favorite part about it was being able to look at my bridge from up high and far away. The verrazano bridge (my bridge) it looked soo amazing from far away, I love that bridge it is such a beautiful piece of architecture, I want to draw it! The NYC sky line also looked cool. It was great to finally ride on the coney island wonder wheel.
I feel good, I am doing all the NYC things I had never done before because I took them for granted since I have lived here all my life. Next stop, the Ballet I can't wait! I'm not sure when I will be able to actually go, but I will. This summer I plan on trying to do all the things I always have wanted to do (or at least try to) I used to once upon a time have this little fantasy that I would get to do all these things with you. I don't know what the hell gave me that idea, but well, it is what it is and the fantasy is far gone from my mind now.
Yesterday I was talking to my friend, the one I told you about that is really cool but who is married. I felt really bad for him because he was working on his day off. Anyway, I'm talking to him and he says to me. Damn Jazz, I'm so upset to have to work on my day off, I was planning to mow the lawn and water these plants that I planted" and proceeds to tell me about this nice pot or something that he bought for his plants, OF COURSE! SHE IS SOOO EXTREMELY LUCKY! of course he would mow the lawn and plant stuff! then as he is telling me this he also says "I know, there is something seriously wrong with me right?" and I looked at him and said without even thinking "she is so lucky!" and he just stared at me kind of looking sad (we had a moment) The thing is that he always seems so un happy in his marriage. I often feel bad about it. And him and I our friendship is simply platonic and although he is so amazing and handsome, I would NEVER EVER even dream of getting involved with a married man. Not that he has ever implied anything, he is so respectful to me and I am to him and his wife. But I have this feeling that she has no idea what she has. Some women just don't know.
One day I bet I will meet someone who will come to my life and want to plant flowers for me and treat me like the queen I deserve to be treated like! because I am a good person. Most often then not, I try to stay away from him though, because I DO NOT AND WILL NOT do to others what I do not want to be done to me, it's better to stay away from people that are married. Marriage is hard enough without adding other people in the mix trying to home wreck. I may be whatever in this world, but home wrecker, will never be one of my titles.
My sweet love, I bet one day some lucky girl will marry you I HOPE TO GOD I am far gone from you by then, I hope to God that when that day comes, I no longer love you the way that I do....
Coney Island has surely changed, it is a diverse group of people now and they cleaned up the beach and they are trying to make it really fancy. So, I went and got on the Wonder Wheel, the one where I had once imagined we would share our first kiss. Now, I kind of think you probably wouldn't get on the wonder wheel I just don't see you as an amusement park type of guy, you're probably afraid of roller coasters. But who knows, maybe i'm wrong I don't think while we were friends I ever got to ask you about that.
Anywho, when I got on it today, I thought of you but not in a sad way though, I was ok, I got on it with my two boys and niece and it was really nice and a bit scary. Little by little this tough girl is becoming a chicken, things I wasn't afraid of before frighten me wtf! getting older, it really sucks! my favorite part about it was being able to look at my bridge from up high and far away. The verrazano bridge (my bridge) it looked soo amazing from far away, I love that bridge it is such a beautiful piece of architecture, I want to draw it! The NYC sky line also looked cool. It was great to finally ride on the coney island wonder wheel.
I feel good, I am doing all the NYC things I had never done before because I took them for granted since I have lived here all my life. Next stop, the Ballet I can't wait! I'm not sure when I will be able to actually go, but I will. This summer I plan on trying to do all the things I always have wanted to do (or at least try to) I used to once upon a time have this little fantasy that I would get to do all these things with you. I don't know what the hell gave me that idea, but well, it is what it is and the fantasy is far gone from my mind now.
Yesterday I was talking to my friend, the one I told you about that is really cool but who is married. I felt really bad for him because he was working on his day off. Anyway, I'm talking to him and he says to me. Damn Jazz, I'm so upset to have to work on my day off, I was planning to mow the lawn and water these plants that I planted" and proceeds to tell me about this nice pot or something that he bought for his plants, OF COURSE! SHE IS SOOO EXTREMELY LUCKY! of course he would mow the lawn and plant stuff! then as he is telling me this he also says "I know, there is something seriously wrong with me right?" and I looked at him and said without even thinking "she is so lucky!" and he just stared at me kind of looking sad (we had a moment) The thing is that he always seems so un happy in his marriage. I often feel bad about it. And him and I our friendship is simply platonic and although he is so amazing and handsome, I would NEVER EVER even dream of getting involved with a married man. Not that he has ever implied anything, he is so respectful to me and I am to him and his wife. But I have this feeling that she has no idea what she has. Some women just don't know.
One day I bet I will meet someone who will come to my life and want to plant flowers for me and treat me like the queen I deserve to be treated like! because I am a good person. Most often then not, I try to stay away from him though, because I DO NOT AND WILL NOT do to others what I do not want to be done to me, it's better to stay away from people that are married. Marriage is hard enough without adding other people in the mix trying to home wreck. I may be whatever in this world, but home wrecker, will never be one of my titles.
My sweet love, I bet one day some lucky girl will marry you I HOPE TO GOD I am far gone from you by then, I hope to God that when that day comes, I no longer love you the way that I do....
I just made myself sad. Time to go to sleep. Good Night My Love!
ps. Be my friend?
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