Tuesday, November 27, 2012

The opposite staircase......

Don't walk behind me; I may not lead.  Don't walk in front of me; I may not follow.  Just walk beside me and be my friend. ~ 
Albert Camus


Dear Journal:

I didn't sleep well, so much on my mind.  Then this morning on the train I wrote a little poem.  I don't know if my poems are any good, but well I am just always thinking always writing it makes me feel better.  I have done everything wrong.  


The opposite staircase
By: Jazzy

On the other side of the stair case is where he stands.  I just need to walk down the opposite side and there I will see, his slender physic, his deep dark eyes, his shadow beard his tender lips.  He hides from reality just like I do, it feels safer there than when it's just us two.  I look down the hall at the staircase and stare, I want so badly to go see him there... don't use the opposite side of the stairs....


Sunday, November 25, 2012

Dear Journal: 11-26-12 - I hate that I love you.

"Love is a serious mental disease" ~ Plato

Dear Journal:

I have been feeling deeply depressed to the point that I don't want to leave my bed, I really need to go for a run and snap out of it.  The reason for this depressed feeling inside of me is well.... I kind of don't want to put his name on here anymore because why? but the other day we sort of had a good conversation and then he mentioned his girlfriend.  Really? I DO NOT want to know shit about his relationship! So I tell him that I really didn't want to hear anything about her and to please be mindful of my feelings for him and to give me time to get used to his new status and then I say, maybe after I find myself someone to call my own we can talk about these sorts of things and the next thing I know I'm getting yelled at by him because he is pissed that I want to move on! REALLY??? SELFISH ASSHOLE! I HATE MEN!


Then he says that him and his girlfriend "it's not really like that" what the FUCK does "it's not really like that" supposed to mean exactly? does it mean he doesn't spend time with her? does it mean he doesn't have sex with her? UGH! does it mean that he doesn't think of her? what does that mean??? and what difference does it make to me anyway????? but the worst part about the whole situation is that now that I realized I'm in love with this jerk face who I can't stop thinking about, is that I then was supposed to hang out with someone and cancelled because I can't do it, I feel loyal! UGH!!!!! 


This is the problem with me and I really hate it! when I love someone, I become very loyal and it's not loyal to the person as much as it is loyal to my feelings.  I become loyal to my feelings because I feel that if I go and spend time with someone else I will be lying to that person and myself.  But, I WILL NOT DO THIS AGAIN! I am not going to get stuck on stupid I refuse too! as much as I feel that I love this individual if he is with someone then I am going to keep it moving if that is the last thing I do.  I can't allow myself to get into a rut where I am thinking about someone because he gives me bits and pieces of himself.  You either give me all or nothing and fuck off!


I KNOW this is easier said than done, but I am trying.  I asked my friend out on a date and he turned me down.  I asked him out because I enjoy his company and I thought that if I hung out with him then at least I could get my mind off of things.  This friend is someone that I really like as a person and honestly when I am with him I am with him, I don't think about anyone else.  But he said no and although I don't understand why he can't just go out with me and have a good time, I realize also that I need to start eliminating people from my life that use me for their own selfish reasons.  So, fuck him too!


Other than the non romantic, romantic drama that has been unfolding in my life lately, nothing has changed but the weather.  I am excited about the fact that my semester is nearly over and although I said I was going to ask my professor out after the semester was over.  I don't think I will nor do I want to be a woman that goes around asking men out.  I asked my friend and got turned down so I am not doing that again.  At least with him I didn't feel bad, like honestly deep down inside I was sort of hoping he would say no and I also kind of realize that he isn't the kind of person that can just enjoy life and live the moment.  So honestly that was a bad idea asking him.  Anyway, asking my professor would be different because if he said no to me I would feel rejected and I am sort of done with being rejected.  I am sure I will meet someone I like eventually (hopefully) if not, then I will continue to do what I do, have fun!


By the way journal, I meant to tell you that two weeks ago, he (my professor) totally flirted with me, I was kind of shocked and he makes me very nervous which is my indication that I feel attracted to him which THANK GOD! because I am beginning to think I have serious issues! like yes I will think men are good looking, but to think someone is good looking and to actually feel attracted to them sexually is two very different things! men need to understand this about women, we women we can say something like awww he is so cute! but that's different than when we see a man and think... OMG! he is hot! I would do him! and yes, women do think that.  Maybe not young girls, but women do.  I am a woman and my professor, well... let's just say I can imagine myself somewhere in a tropical island with him completely naked! OMG!!! he is so intelligent and so damn cute! maybe I should ask him?  I don't know, I don't want to start things with anyone to be honest.


So yes, Jazzy is back on stuck on stupid over Mr. Scorpio.  But I will get over this nonsense.  Love is not in my heart love is in my mind, so if I can control my thoughts, then I can control my feelings.  Yes, I have done research and have been reading a lot about cognition and where does love stem from how it happens etc. I think it's an awesome topic and our minds are so amazing that I have to explore and learn about it as much as I can.  It intrigues me how love takes over us in some unexplainable way and it doesn't only happen to me, it happens to all people even my 4 year old daughter is already experiencing some sort of feeling for a boy in her class.  She talks about him everyday, which clearly demonstrates that he is in her memory and that she thinks of him.  God I love this stuff!!! LOVE IT!


Ok journal, so when I come up with an invention that helps people in love fall out of love or to lessen the pain of love and become a million air, I will finally make you a live interactive blog! PROMISE! enough dreaming for now, time to get some school work done.   Jewish Diaspora anyone?



Hate that I love you - Rihanna featuring Ne-Yo

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KMOOr7GEkj8




Saturday, November 24, 2012

MEMORY

Memory.... is the diary that we all carry about with us ~ 
Oscar Wilde

Dear Journal: 

Last week in my cognitive psychology class, my professor asked that if there were any creative people in the class to please raise their hands.  I consider myself a pretty creative individual so I raised my hand and she then asked the people who had raised their hands, where did they feel their creativity came from? what inspired it? I told her that mine comes from somewhere I can't describe, but that when I feel strongly about someone, that person brings it out even more it's sort of something within me that I cannot pin point.

For years my creativity came from the love I felt for Benjamin Nunez, http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2010/12/omg-my-first-blog-entry.html but lately since I don't feel those strong feelings for him anymore, I have found that I am still able to be creative by looking at things and really paying attention to them, like staring at something I find to be beautiful or just searching within and waiting for something to come to my mind but from my heart or my gut, my soul.  Usually it will come mostly from my feelings  or what I am going through.  

Still, the other day Benjamin mentioned something about memory on one of his posts and immediately the word memory sparked something within me that I couldn't describe, so I picked up my pen because I was in class and I began to write.  I wrote a poem.  I guess he still inspires me deeply and well, I won't be mad at that.  Anything that sparks my creativity is a good thing...... Thank you old friend Benjamin.

Memory
By Jazzy


Memory that's what it said and in that moment I tried to forget.  For what reason would I remember if only sadness is what that memory brought and only sadness is what I felt?

And for days I looked and saw nothing it was a blank space a place that isn't real.  And someone came and took my hand and dragged me out of that crazy space and that was real and that was life and that was right.  I felt the touch and I felt the kiss and it felt right.

Memory no longer serves me, for I wished it one day to not remember and so I tried to think it over, but in my memory it had been over.  And I couldn't remember a time, a place or a space.  He wasn't real it never was for it was always just in my mind. No more memory.

Menudo - Es Por Amor (1982)

Jazzy at 11 in love with Xavier the Menudo with the blond hair..... XOXOXOXOXO 


POR AMOR - MENUDO
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MUwiVVgyxRo

Friday, November 23, 2012

WHO DO YOU LOVE?

I am ready to become the giver, now that I realize is give and take......

This song reminds me of this boy I liked when I was 12, he was 10 (Cougar!).  His name was Juan and he was a Puerto Rican hottie!!! 

One day when I was in 5grade and he in 4th (Cougar!) he asked his friend to ask me if he could be my boyfriend and of course I told his friend to tell him YES! that weekend, my mother told me that I would not be going to school the following Monday because I had to go with my younger cousins (who had just came to the US from my country) to the doctor so that I could translate for them UGH! I was so upset I started crying because I would not be seeing my new boyfriend Juan on Monday.  Long story short, on Tuesday when I got to school, Juan or Paito (that was his nick name) told his friend to tell me that it was quits! (brake up with me) I cried the whole day because I was heart broken! HOW DARE HE! 

Five years later when we were teens, he would always get his hair cut by my dad (who owned his own salon) I would see him come into the salon and I would run to the back of the store to look at the guy I had liked all those years through a two way mirror! (TOTAL STALKER!).

One day, I finally came out from the back of the salon and he and I started to talk, I reminded him of how he had broken my heart and we both laughed.  After that he wanted to hang out so I met up with him at his apartment and we made out one whole day! IT WAS CRAZY! (kissing is my favorite! boy do I miss it!) but I did not have sex with him! at that time I was already in love with my then boyfriend who I was broken up with which is why I even hung out with Juan that day in the first place.  Non the less, this song reminds me of my first puppy love PAITO! SIGH! 


Bernard Wright - Who Do You Love?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XT48-LLs0tI

Thursday, November 22, 2012

LIVE AND LEARN MY DEAR FRIENDS...

Dear Journal:

I am so extremely emotionally drained I almost feel numb.  When you feel numb, you just don't feel.  A few months ago I began to realize something that I sort of knew but didn't want to admit to myself and that was that I had fallen in love with someone new WOW! AMAZING! the thing about it is, that I had tried so many strategies to try to forget Benjamin Nunez and all along, the best way to forget one person is to just give someone new a chance.  I would often send Benjamin emails telling him all my different strategies on how I was trying to forget him, http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2010/12/omg-my-first-blog-entry.html I had so many that I can write a whole other post just on strategies on moving on from the one you love.  In reality however, all it takes is true effort the effort to allow yourself the opportunity to really give someone else a real chance.  But only when you are ready to.

A year ago, I met someone on line who I became friends with and well I know that virtual relationships seem strange to people, but when it comes to fulfilling one of our basic human needs which is the need of love and feeling of belonging, if someone is able to fulfill that need than it isn't extremely necessary for you to be next to that person at all times or physical with them.  I am not saying that it is not important and that you shouldn't YOU ABSOLUTELY SHOULD! but what I am saying is that sometimes the circumstances don't allow the physical aspect to happen right away, so you work with what you can.  Anyway, I realized a few months ago that I was in love with AJ http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2012/06/f-trust-issues.html and the reason why I realized it was, because I couldn't stop thinking about him even though we didn't see each other or talked, even though I meet hundreds of people on line and talk to men in person and go on casual dates etc. 

He and I were not talking and we finally made up and when we did, I found out that he had found himself a girlfriend.  OF COURSE! but here is the thing, at first when we made up he kept it from me even though I had not told him yet how I felt and then I told him how I felt and I had to pull teeth to get him to answer my question. I feel that he was afraid that if he told me he would loose me again and of course that is exactly what happened.  Initially, when he told me I flipped out on him as if me loving him gave me the right to be upset that he found someone to be with, even though we were not even speaking to each other.  The reality is that he was just doing what you do in life, you move on.  And he told me that he was sorry, that he didn't understand why I was upset because he had met someone and was moving on, when that is what I should of done also.  Well, I didn't know I felt this way about him until after it was too late! how is that his problem? I am so confused!

The next day after I told him I didn't want to talk to him again, I woke up and I kept thinking to myself, that I have become rather selfish lately and that if I don't get my way I get all pissed off and cut people off and that isn't very nice.  Yes I am in love with him, however, I am not like dying either, like I am in love with him but since I knew him first as a friend, I love him more as a friend and I prefer to keep him in my life as my friend even though I know he is with someone else.  I don't think I have ever done that before, but because he and I never had a romantic relationship and we love each other as friends, I can't loose him again, his friendship is so valuable to me, because not many people know me the way he does and not many people do I meet that I can truly say I trust the way I trust him.

So yes, maybe I feel hurt that he has a girlfriend, but I can still be his friend and at least know that now I can randomly check up on him to see how he is doing.  I don't want to know much about the girl because honestly I can't be the one he comes to for advice on his love life, because I will honestly not be able to handle hearing about it, but at least I know that I am special to him and that he loves me also and that in each other we have found true friendship something that you don't find everyday.  

I know now that what I need to do is move on myself and find myself someone new to give me love too and although I am not one to fall for people easily at least now I know where I stand and I can move forward and try to focus not so much on the fact that I am in love with someone new that due to the circumstances has moved on, but rather focus on the fact that I am capable of loving other people something I honestly thought I couldn't ever do again.  

I loved someone for so long thinking that I could never find anyone else to fill my heart with love, that I shut my heart down and didn't give people a chance and because of that, I lost AJ and thinking about that frustrates me, because AJ cared about me and wanted me in a romantic way and because I was so blind by loving someone else I never gave him a fair chance and now someone else has him.  Well, it is what it is and this time, I promise journal I will not get stuck on stupid, I have learned from my mistakes and if I meet someone that I genuinely like, I will give myself and that person a chance because I have learned SO MUCH! and the main thing that I have learned is that you HAVE TO KEEP IT MOVING! men do it ALL THE TIME! 

I am going to keep it moving because I will not make the same mistakes over and over again! LIVE AND LEARN! 

http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2011/01/i-am-currently-reading-no-ordinary.html

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

MUSIC......

"Being Deeply Loved by Someone Gives you Strength, While Loving Someone Deeply Gives you Courage" ~ Lao Tzu

Dear Journal: 

Below, my concerto report that I wrote last year for my music class.  When I say I love ALL MUSIC! I mean that! I listen to classical music all the time and not only do I listen to it, I grab my four year old daughter and her and I will dance to it......... WE BOTH LOVE IT VERY MUCH!


Concerto Report 
 The Conservatory Orchestra at Brooklyn College’s Whitman Theater.  Thursday, November 3, 2011.  George Rothman Conductor.  Jeffrey Biegel piano.  
The performance consisted of three works.  These pieces were by composers Richard Wagner 1813 - 1883, Franz Liszt 1811 - 1886 and Bela Bartok, 1881 - 1945.  Richard Wagner was a “German composer, conductor, music theorist and essayist mainly known for his opera’s”[1] Wagner’s piece Die Meistersinger overture, was the first composition played.  This overture was written for an opera set in the sixteenth century in Nuremberg.  The opera is a comedy about a man who falls in love with a woman whose father wishes her to marry the winner of a singing contest held by the Guild of the Mastersingers.  The man wins the contest and the hand of the woman he loves.  Wagner is famous for the use of leitmotiv which is a “short theme associated with a person, object or idea”[2]
Franz Liszt, 1811 - 1886 was a composer and pianist among other things.  Liszt, was originally from Raiding, Hungary but made his musical career in Weimar, Germany.  He was best known for reconceiving traditional forms and was also credited for inventing (symphonic poem) the piece that was heard in the concerto, was Liszt’s Piano Concerto No. 1 in E-flat major.  This piece was described as “gleaming, extroverted, thrilling virtuosic.” Liszt originally made this composition around 1835 but he made many revisions to it.  The piece follows “radically innovative and reliant” form.  “On classical models: it unfolds as a single continuous drama, yet comprises four discrete sections that mimic the movements of a Classical symphony (fast, slow, scherzo, fast).”[3]
Bela Bartok, 1881 - 1945 was born in an area of Hungary that is now called Romania.  Bartok was a concertizing pianist, a piano teacher at the Budapest Academy of Music and a pioneer in the study of Eastern European Folk music.[4]  In 1873 the Buda, Obuda and Pest were united to create the metropolis of Budapest.  Fifty years later the municipal authority commissioned Bartok as one of the composers to compose works celebrating the anniversary of the same.  For this grand occasion, Bartok composed the Dance Suite: Moderato, Allegro moto, Allegro vivace, Molto tranquillo, Comodo - Finale.  Bartok would not reveal the sources of his new works inspiration, because part of his inspiration for this work was that of Arabic and Romanian folk music.  He later said that the reason for doing this was to “put together a kind of idealized peasant music-you could say an invented peasant music - in such a way that the individual movements of the work would introduce particular types (i.e. ethnic) of music.”[5]
I enjoyed listening to this Orchestra tremendously.  I was very impressed with the fact that my school has such an amazing venue as I have never before attended anything at the school;  I was really proud to be a student at Brooklyn College.  I sat down feeling a bit nervous about what I would write since I have never written a music report before.  I got my book and pen out wondering what I should be taking notes about.  I was not sure what I would say.  At first, I sat there and watched as the players began to tune there instruments, I heard different pitch sounds coming from the violins the flutes the clarinets and oboe.  Once the players were done tuning their respective instruments, the conductor came out and everyone began to applaud, the orchestra rose and sat back down.  When the music began to play I was just entranced by the wonderful succession of fixed pitches that made the melody feel smooth and calming but that went straight to my heart.  Listening to it made me feel very sad,  I thought about someone who I loved and began to cry.  It was extremely emotional being there listening to the sounds that reminded me of Kings, Queens and love.  I got chills and felt taken away to a fairytale world where our love would be possible. 
After a few minutes the music became very excited and loud the harmony was different.  It sounded like a call and response from the violins to the clarinets I think.  This part reminded me of cartoons and so I stopped crying and began to feel like a kid again.  I was relaxed and began to imagine Tom running after Jerry in the children’s cartoon Tom and Jerry, I smiled.  The music went on for what seemed like forever, but I was enjoying every moment of it.   As it was coming to an end, the sound was loud and excited, all the instruments were played in unison and loud, it produced excitement and then it stopped.  It was really a great piece.
The next piece was the Piano Concerto.  The Piano Concerto was lovely;  I thought I was only going to hear the piano, but to my surprise it started out with the other instruments playing and then the piano responding to them.  The musical texture was rough at first and felt as if the piano was being played in a rough manner, but then the piano slowed down and it sounded low and soothing.  At one point you were able to hear each piano key one after the other almost in order.  I was really amazed by the way Mr. Biegel was one with the piano and how at times the piano almost sounded like a bell ringing.  It was amazing to watch him play, because you could tell that he was one with his piano.  He felt the music in his body and he was lost in his moment;  simply amazing and mesmerizing.
Finally, Bartok’s Dance Suite.  This piece was really exciting as well.  For some reason listening to this reminded me of indian movies, when they are in horses in a desert somewhere chasing something or being chased.  I really enjoyed all four of the pieces and at some points the sounds were so relaxing I felt sleepy and calm.  But then the tone color would become hard and I would feel excited again and up and attentive.  The whole time everything that was happening was unexpected and there were times that I did not know what to feel because it went back and forth from one harmony to the next unexpectedly.
I really enjoyed this orchestra and plan on attending another one sometime soon.  I also plan on bringing my children next time so that they can learn how to appreciate this genre of music.  These pieces were all amazing but I have to admit that my favorite was Wagner’s piece.  I guess I am a sucker for fairytales and romance. 


[1] CUNY Blackboard Academic Suite, Music Language History & Culture Course Documents, Wagner, Richard
[2] Program Notes – Wagner, Richard
[3] Program Notes – Liszt, Franz
[4] CUNY Blackboard Academic Suite, Music Language History & Culture, Course Documents, Bartok, Bela
 [5] Program Notes - Bartok, Bela

Richard Wagner - Die Meistersinger overture

Sunday, November 18, 2012

INSPIRATION......

Inspiration - a divine influence directly and immediately exertedupon the mind or soul. (source: Dictionary.com)

Dear Journal: I was looking through my notepad on my iphone where I usually write because I don't always have time to sit an write on here and I found this little poem that I think I wrote.  I am saying I think, because when I found it I was like, wow this is pretty good! and had doubts about where I got it, but I think I did write it one day on the train when I was thinking about someone, I am not sure who It was I was thinking about though.  Anyway...... Enjoy....

Poem
Title: Inspiration
By: Jazzy

I walk and I look all around me, and I know there is beauty, but I do not see it.

I walk around with my eyes open, but I don't observe, for there is nothing but things, objects of beauty, but my eyes do not see them.

So I stop for a second and stare at a flower, and in that moment, darkness becomes light and all in front of me is bright, and life is beautiful and color is vivid.

I do not need you for inspiration, if all deep inside me I know it's there, I need not look and stare, for if it weren't there, I would not write these words.

A week long love?

Dear Journal:

I have been meaning to tell you this story all week long but keep forgetting to write about it and this is a good one that HAS to go on here.  Ok so I am on six different dating sites, I am on them for a few reasons but one of them is not to meet anyone to date, I'm being serious.  I stay on them and plan on staying on them even after I have someone special, because the day I do have someone special I will explain to this man why I stay on these sites and since my man will be so awesome and understanding and so confident in what we share, he will not need to worry about me being on them.  

The reason why I stay on them is not really important nor do I really want to write about it right now, but I am on six of them and randomly I chat with people.  Very seldom does anyone truly capture my interest and to be honest NO ONE ever gets me excited.  Actually, the other day I was feeling a bit depressed about the fact that no one gives me butterflies or gets my "juices flowing" or makes me have any sort of physiological reaction, but I still talk to people randomly and like I said every now and then someone will capture my interest.

About two weeks ago however I met this really cute school teacher who I thought was really really cute and so we started chatting and I decided to give him my number, for the week that followed that man and I sent each other messages back and forth all day long.  The messages would start coming in from the moment I would open my eyes and would see his good morning text messages, until the minute I went to bed and said good night.  I must admit that I truly enjoyed his attention but the whole time I would talk to him, I kept feeling like I was talking to AJ http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2012/06/f-trust-issues.html I almost feel that him reminding me so much of AJ was probably the only reason why the conversations kept me interested.  I know that, that is probably wrong, but well I have to be honest when I say that I look for him (AJ) in everyone even though I know that there are no two people alike, there are definitely similarities in certain people and well what attracts me from one person is probably what would attract me from another if they are similar.  

I did however kept thinking to myself that I had to stop comparing him because he was not him and kept also telling myself that what I was doing was wrong, so I did struggle with it, but the truth is that I am only human and therefore am not perfect, what can I do? it happens.  I kept looking at his picture and telling myself that I was going to MAKE myself like him even if that was the last thing I did in this world.  He was very handsome so it was easy to look at his pictures, but the honest truth is that I was giving him what I was because he truly reminded me of AJ and since I have been missing AJ so much lately, I guess it sort of made me feel better.

However, I told myself that from now on everyone who I meet and give a chance to, is going to be innocent until proven guilty and that I was going to take everything this man and any man that I meet moving forward at face value because I will not do to anyone what I did before, meaning that I will not go around treating people like suspects just because half or maybe three quarters of the male population are fucking lying bastards who like to play games because half of them don't know where they are going, who they are going to, what they are bringing with them and or how to deal with their fucked up emotional drama! (bitter Jazzy?) so I believed everything he said and thought to myself that everyone is innocent until proven guilty and although I was not giving him my 100 percent trust, I was at least going in with an open mind and intend on doing the same with every single person I meet.  I will not judge one person based on the other millions, it isn't fair to me or the man that one day does come into my life who will be honest and genuine.

So we talked talked talked and the day came when we would be meeting the next day, just for coffee.  That morning he and I spoke as usual and we said that we would be meeting the next day, he told me that he was extremely excited and how much he could not wait and I told him the same (I was being semi honest) but I wanted to knock out the meeting in person so that we could keep talking because I don't like dragging things with someone then I meet them and I don't like them.  I think that is a waste of my valuable time and the other persons as well.  Anywho! I tell him to call me (we had an actual phone conversation once) and I told him to call me again so we could get comfortable and he said he would call me after 4:30pm.  Well, that was last Wednesday it is now Sunday and I NEVER HEARD FROM HIM AGAIN! WHAT THE FUCK!!

How did I feel? well, thank you to my lucky stars, my beautiful positive energy and to all that love that I send out to the world each and every day, I felt pretty good.  For starters at first I kind of figured after he didn't call me at 4:30 that he had changed his mind, like I honestly felt it (gut feeling) The next day I was a bit annoyed and I sent him a message and told him that at some point it would be nice if he would at least apologize for being less than respectful (which he probably won't) but in all honesty, at the end of the day I was quite alright! that man has NO IDEA! what he lost out on! like not to be conceded or anything, but I find myself to be quite the catch.  I am happy about myself, where I am at in life, where I am going, how I look, how I feel and how awesome I am to someone when I care for them.  So, did I loose out on anything? HELL NO! who the hell wants to be with a man who is a fake? who is a flake? who is a liar? THANK YOU! need I say more?

So moral of the story??? if someone does something like that to anyone who comes across this post, be thankful that such a looser person was taken out of your path before they dirtied your amazing karma! my karma is fine, because Jazzy lives by ONE BASIC RULE... DO NOT DO TO OTHERS WHAT YOU DO NOT WANT TO BE DONE TO YOU!... I am 100 percent genuine and honest with all those who I meet and I PRIDE myself in that and feel great about the fact that I can be that way.  So... I almost feel bad for this teacher who one day will get back what he gave me.  Yes, life does have a funny way of making you pay for all your wrong doing.  I have paid for many things myself so I know this to be true.

GOOD NIGHT JOURNAL! 

Justin Timeberlake - What goes around comes around...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TOrnUquxtwA


Saturday, November 17, 2012

Stupid Selfish....BIA$H

Dear Journal:

This morning on my way to class I heard something on the radio that made me think... WOW! I AM SOOOOOOOO GLAD THAT I AM NOT THE ONLY CRAZY BIATCH on this planet! like I have always said that I am crazy and I have always said that one of the reasons why I study psychology is because I want to help myself de craze (that's a made up word) myself, but when I hear stories that I can relate to, I often think DAMN I LOVE PSYCHOLOGY! for our minds are so AMAZING! AND! we are all SOOOOOOO MUCH ALIKE! CRAZY MADNESS I TELL YOU!!!

Ok, so I am about to tell you a story journal that I hope you will not judge me for but it's REAL! you know very well that I do not fib to you, even though sometimes I get this strange feeling that someone is reading you! very strange indeed journal, very strange! non the less on here I have to share with you all the crazy that is my life and how I tackle and try to de craze (made up word) myself and how someday I hope I will be "normal" like the rest of the world.

This story is about something I did almost a year ago, right after AJ and I had stopped communicating virtually, remember AJ? http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2012/06/f-trust-issues.html so after he and I stopped communicating I felt really really depressed and very confused, I felt depressed because I felt as if I had lost someone very valuable and I felt confused because I didn't really know if he was really valuable, like goodness god who was he really? did I really know this man? what if everything he ever told me was a complete lie? what if he wasn't who he said he was? what if he was some creepy person who lied and went around making up stories to women.  So many ideas and thoughts crossed my mind about my AJ and I felt that I would not rest until I could find out who he really was, I mean it wasn't like I could ask people or anything like that, because he and I never met in person and I did not know anyone that he did.  

So.... what did I do? ok, please don't judge me journal.  I went back on the site where I met him and I created a fake profile. YES I DID! I created a fake profile and used a fake picture and found him and sent him a message.  A month went by and he finally responded and then we wrote one another maybe like three emails and can I just tell you journal that, talking to him again as someone else made me love him even more! he acted with me, the other me, the same way he did with me, the real me.  Meaning, that he was the same exact person the only thing he did was not mention me to the other me you understand? I asked him about like did he ever meet anyone on the site and he said just good people nice friends and that pissed me off and I wanted to curse him out but I didn't. 

After like the third email I told him that I had a boyfriend and I did so because I felt SOOOO GUILTY! about what I was doing and I could not go through with it, I kept thinking that what I was doing was a horrible horrible thing to do and that I didn't know how to be two people and that it was better for me to just let him be and forget him.  So I told him as the "other girl" that I had a boyfriend and after I told him that,  he was still really nice and said that if my boyfriend and I ever wanted to hang out he would show us around yada yada yada! do you see why I care so much for him??

After that whole situation with me and the made up profile he and I made up again and when we made up again, the first thing I did after we made up was tell him what I had done and explained to him why I had done it and told him to forgive me for that, but it was just that I felt so crazy when I lost him and how I needed to know if he was who he said he was.  I think he was a bit upset but didn't really say anything else about it, so I am assuming in a way he was probably like, WHAT THE FUCK! and probably like... I'M SO GLAD I'M NOT FAKE! but maybe was also like, who the hell are you? and why would you do that? and you are crazy! but he never told me that so maybe he likes crazy? well, moral of the story is you NEVER know, who is doing this to you! and this is why you should be you no matter what.

The reason why I am writing this story is because on the radio this morning, this girl called in and told the radio station how she was in love with her best friend but he was not in love with her and how she had created a profile on a dating site that he was on using a fake picture and how he and her had started talking and have been talking for four months and how he tells her about his best friend and then goes to her (the best friend) and talks to her about the girl on the internet and all along they are both HER! is that fucked up or what??? honestly, I think she is a selfish bitch! how dare you do that to someone! if I found out someone did that to me, I would be extremely extremely extremely upset.  That is the most selfish way of loving I can imagine.  How can you say you love someone, but you are doing something so wrong behind their back.  Now the thing is that I am not judging her because I understand how she got there, but I am judging her, because you can't claim to love someone yet everything you are doing with concern to this person is for your own selfish reasons.  She is lying to him, pretending to be someone else just to talk to him and keep him but all along all she is doing is burying herself in a hole that I wish I could find out how she will get out of.

The people in the radio station asked her if she would reveal that to him on the show and she said she didn't know if she could do it and how she didn't know what to do anymore because she was in so deep.  DUH! on the flip side of this whole story, you have to also wonder if he wouldn't see this as, WOW! she loves me so much she went as far as to try to get me anyway she could, except anyone who understands true love or understands what love is supposed to be about, would understand that love is not about me, loving someone is about you! that's why when you love someone, you say to them...I LOVE YOU! not I LOVE ME.  LOVE IS JUST CRAZY! But then on the flip side, loving someone is so awesome! especially when the love is mutual, just awesome stuff! 

I hope for her sake that she doesn't loose her best friend over what she is doing, but honestly if my best friend did something like that to me, I don't know that I would consider that person a best friend because a best friend wouldn't deceive you.  CRAZY!


Aerosmith - CRAZY
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NMNgbISmF4I


Friday, November 16, 2012

Dear Journal: We fight we break up... we kiss we make up!

Dear Journal:

I wanted him back in my life so badly, so what now that we have made peace? goodness I don't understand this Scorpion man! he drives me out of my mind and all I do is think of him.  I really like astrology and I was reading this article on Scorpio man and Libra woman and I swear it described us both to nearly perfection, it's so crazy! it said that there would be many break ups and even though he and I have never really officially been "a couple" this last year has been a roller coaster ride with him if nothing else.  Sometimes I feel like I am so in love with him and others I want to so badly forget about him because he drives me so fucking crazy! I don't want to allow anyone to control my emotions that way but he has something that keeps me holding on and the worst part is that it is all emotional, we have never even seen each other! HOW CRAZY IS THAT??

Yet all I want to do is get on a plane and run to him, just grab him and hold him and show him all this that I feel, it's pretty intense.  It's been one year journal, in one year you would think that I wouldn't care, that by now he would be a distant memory to me and me a distant memory to him.  But no, we always end up right where we are now and where we are now I don't know where it is, but we are both in the same exact place.  DRIVING EACH OTHER MAD! I drive him crazy! he drives me crazy so I guess we love each other, because if we didn't, then neither one of us would be back in this place... a place call no where! I bet he hates that he loves me just as much as I hate that I love him and now I am POSITIVE that I love him, like I am 100% sure! when the hell did this happen and why?

But I am still forcing myself to keep it moving, like even though we sort of talked, it wasn't even anything at all, two minutes after we made nice he was already annoyed at me and the best part is that he didn't tell me he was, but because I can almost read his mind, I could tell! how is that normal journal????? 

Anyway, in the astrology article that I was reading, it said that if libra and scorpio can pass the test of time, it is one of the most powerful relationships between two astrological signs! I KNOW THIS TO BE TRUE! my very first love was a scorpio and OH MY GOD! what a crazy relationship! it was passion and love and jealousy and amazing! we loved each other with this intense passion that I can't even describe it and I was very young, I guess you can call it my first teen love because I was only 16 but we were mad teens in love it was pretty crazy!

All I know is that now he and I are even, we both hurt each other once and now I guess we can both move on, or will we? because I quite honestly can't stop thinking about him, it drives me crazy! I just want to talk to him and tell him so many things and just let it all out of my system except I have to act calm and collective and already he is pissed at me and I didn't even do anything wrong! if he only knew what he means to me, if he only knew how true I am to him and how true I would be to him and how happy I would make him.  I bet if he knew, he would not be mad or jealous or whatever else he feels.  

But journal, I have a prayer that I have been using for many many months now, I use it whenever someone is in my life and I feel that they aren't giving me what I deserve.  Meaning that since I meet so many men that try to get close to me in whatever way they may be trying, for whatever reason they may be trying.  I use this prayer. There were all sorts of prayers but then I came across this article and the article talked about spirituality and love and reading the article helped me very much.  it made so much sense to me and after I read it I decided that I would just make up my own prayer.  

I believe in a powerful higher greater being than us, I don't believe in religion I believe in pure love, LOVE is what I try to give out with hopes that love is what I receive.  I give love to all people, regardless of who they are or what role they play in my life.  I love all people.

Anyway, when my scorpio man and I had our first blow out because I was crazy and confused and so was he and we "broke up" even though we weren't a couple.  I was so depressed and I missed him so desperately that I was ready to pray for him to please come back! but the article said that praying for someone to come back to you was not a good thing, that if we truly love someone it should be selfless and instead of praying for the person to come back we should always want that person to be happy even if that happiness does not involve us.  In other words, love them enough to let them go, if that is what they truly want.

After thinking about it I realized that I never want someone to be with me because I prayed for them to come back.  If you love someone let them go! Instead, I hope that someone will love me for who I am and if they come back it's because they feel that I am worth it.  I want someone to be with me because that is what they feel in their heart and I have nothing to do with that decision other than the fact that I have treated that person with lots of love and respect and honesty and given them all that I have to give just as I did with him.  After reading that article I sat down and I made up my own prayer and here it is.....

Dear God:

Thank you for all you give me each and everyday of my life, you know my heart like no other, you know my deepest thoughts my deepest dreams and you know what I truly want and deserve.
If (insert persons name here) is the man you want for me at this time of my life and us being together is for the greater good of both of us, then I welcome him into my life, I welcome him into my heart and I will love him unconditionally.

However, if this is not the man that you feel is best for me at this time in my life then I ask you to please take him out of my life, my heart and my thoughts.  Please take out all the negative anxious feelings that do not serve my soul in a positive way, please take him out of my thoughts so that I will not feel sad, please allow me to let him go so that both he and I can move on and we can both be happy.  I ask your will to be done, because you know what is best for both our souls.  I ask you this with love... AMEN.

Anyway, this has been my prayer and this scorpion man keeps coming back and I know that one day, when the time is right we will finally be together because what he and I feel is greater than us and we both know it and we both fight it but eventually the will of true love will be greater than us.  I will just have to sit back live my life and allow love to happen as that is all that I can do for now.  I send him my love every single day, because that is what I feel and nothing or no one will be able to keep us apart if that is the will of God and if it is not then one day I will get over it and move on but for now, for today he is mad at me and I can almost feel it.  And I have no idea why? I honestly don't know why men often get so mad at me? I don't do anything!!! it's Friday night and I am home blogging for crying out loud! I don't do shit! 

Hot and Cold - Katy Perry
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qgm9rw59Juc

Sunday, November 11, 2012

Si Te Vas -Shakira

SHAKIRA! need I say more?


Si Te Vas - Shakira
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=htts3jbEeLk

MEAN CRUEL MEN! :'(

Dear Journal:

Lately I have been thinking a lot about psychology and what it means to me and how much I love it and what I would like to do once I get my degree in it.  I honestly have to say that I absolutely love the research aspect of it, I think it is fascinating how these psychologists come up with hypothesis and try to uncover all sorts of reasons why? and how? why do humans behave this way? and how can we help them if need be?  I LOVE IT! anyway, for the last year I have observed very similar behavior in men on dating sites and I have to say that men really never cease to amaze me in that they are all the same.  Now I am not saying this in a bad way AT ALL.  I mean this honestly in a good way.  Like I'm amazed how we humans all sort of display the same sorts of behaviors based on our gender.  Not only do I notice the behaviors in men on line, but I also notice it in men in the real world and of all ages.  It truly fascinates me.

I have absolutely nothing to write about right now because my life isn't very eventful lately and I have to admit that I like it that way.  It is a calm after an emotional storm and I feel really good! I love when I am so focused.  This morning I got up and I ran a little over 3 miles and that always makes me feel happy.  I am so jealous of my friend KJ, whenever we talk he will always say things like... I ran 10 miles and I'm always like FOR REAL??? dammit! I want to run 10 miles! I honestly have to say that I am getting better at distance and that makes me feel so happy! I don't know that I have a goal, but well a few years ago I once ran 6 miles and that felt awesome, I think deep down I want to sort of train to maybe run a few 5k races and just really really get involved in serious running.  I love it, I really really do! the feeling that I get when I become one with the road is unlike anything else, it makes me feel free, it's quite awesome!

Ok, so I am like on a ton of dating sites and I decided that randomly I am going to put on my blog, conversations that I have with men.  I want to do this because I think it's fun and also because well, sometimes I just want to change it up on my blog! so, without further a do, below is a few conversations that I had through this week with men online.  By the way, I practice one very simple rule on line.  That rule is, if this man was in front of me, would I say to his face, what I am writing to him? if I would, then I hit the send button! please remember, that behind every picture on internet profiles, there is a person on the other side.  PLEASE TREAT EVERYONE WITH LOVE AND RESPECT!


The first conversation that I will share is one that I had today... People are really mean this is a conversation with a 29 year old....

Him: You are very sexy I must say!
Me: Thank you
Him: Where in BK are you from?
Me: XYZ
Him: We should meet?
Me: I can't, I already started talking to someone I like.  Thank you though! if it doesn't work out, I will send you a message and if your still around then maybe we can.
Him: You know I'm better looking
Me: no response
Him: U need to try my young meat (he is 29)
Me: (at this point sort of pissed off due to him disrespecting me) No thank you! And btw, he's younger that you are and VERY respectful! Good luck to you!
Him: Of course he is lol... fat pig!
Me: Thanks, your so mature
Him: I am
Me: Calling someone a fat pig is really mean and disrespectful.  You lied in your profile, you said you were a nice guy!  Wow! I honestly am never shocked anymore, people really sadden me sometimes!  Either way, I send you much love and hope that you find someone with as much respect and kindness as you have.  Please stop emailing me, your messages are insulting and unnecessary! Good luck to you!
HIM: NO ANSWER! 

By the way, this was a 29 year old educated man who is in the Human Resources industry! WOW! need I say more?? OH and on his profile, it said that he was sweet and caring...UM.. OK! 

Moral of this story? Thank God! I am happy being a fat pig! and have been on dating sites now for over 4 years.  Imagine if I was someone who was on this site looking for someone special? DO YOU IMAGINE! HORRIBLE!

PLEASE! LOVE ALL PEOPLE REGARDLESS OF WHO THEY ARE! EVEN IF YOU MEET THEM ON LINE!

Ok, got to get back to some writing... I have to write a paper for school! I was just taking a break...Oh and sorry, that was just one conversation... I said I would write down a few conversations, but I really have to run!

ta ta journal!

Christina Aguilera - Beautiful
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eAfyFTzZDMM



Friday, November 9, 2012

WHAT A FEELING!!!!

A few days ago, I was waiting for my train and listening to music while moving my body trying desperately not to start dancing! it's so hard sometimes to contain myself when I'm on the trains listening to my music because more often than not, I want to just dance!

A specific song came on my iphone (the one on this movie clip) and immediately I thought of two things, one, my lovely journal and two how much I absolutely loved this movie and how it absolutely HAD to be part of my movie series.  http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2012/04/david-kross-in-reader-01.html

Whether you are one of the few people who enjoy reading my journal, or if you did a search and happened to stumble upon my journal.  I want you to know two very important things about Jazzy; one, that I LOVE MUSIC and two that I love DANCING!

So if you appreciate the art of dancing as much as I do, I urge you to watch this film AT ONCE! it is a great movie! and it touches one other very important thing, that no matter what you are passionate about, if you work hard for it you CAN obtain it! DREAMS DO COME TRUE! 

I watched this movie at the age of like 12 years old, right about the time when I used to stand in front of the wall to wall mirror we had in my living room in our Brooklyn apartment and choreograph dances with my then best friend Julissa! I wish I could find her!

Enjoy the clip!



FLASHDANCE
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=asBSJMOibm


Thursday, November 8, 2012

Dear Journal....You don't know what you have...Until it's gone

My Dearest Journal: 

When I wrote almost a letter a day to Benjamin for over two years to no reply, http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2011/03/letters-to-friend-series-letter-1-my.html I learned two very valuable lessons.  The first lesson was, that no matter how much you love someone, or how much effort you put into loving someone or showing them how amazing you think they are, but they don't feel the same way, no effort will ever change the way they may feel about you.  Because in reality we can't control who our hearts decides to love no matter how much logic or how hard we try to fight it.  So what do you do? well, in my case with Benjamin I just kept trying, not giving up.

In five years, there has not been one day that Benjamin doesn't invade my thoughts, however, in those five years there was one person that began to steal my heart from him.  I tried to forget him by doing so many things, I had a million strategies, but it wasn't unit AJ that little by little it felt as the name Benjamin was slowly erasing from my memory and the new name replacing it was his.  http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2012/06/f-trust-issues.html I miss him so bad! since I last spoke to him in maybe July there isn't one day that doesn't go by that I don't think of him also and wonder how he is doing.  The worst part is that I don't know anyone who knows him, he isn't on any site where I can see how he is doing so all I am left with is the thought that I hope he is well.  

Today as I was walking across the Brooklyn Bridge and thinking of how many times I wished he had been on that bridge with me, just hanging out and talking about all his favorite bands and how much he loves the statue of liberty.  I kept wondering what it was about him that had this effect on me, why was it that he was the only man in five years that was capable of slowly erasing Benjamin's name from my thoughts and why was it that I felt that I was slowly falling in love with him? and then I realized why.

The reason why that was, was because AJ gave me back what I would give him.  AJ was never afraid to be honest with me about his feelings for me, he wasn't afraid to tell me who I was to him and what I was beginning to mean to him, and the only reason why I had any fear, wasn't because he was doing anything wrong, but simply because of my lack of trust.  Yet after I lost him I realized that I really didn't have anything to fear at all and that in reality, he was the one person that was helping me to trust again because I would tell him how I felt and he would give me back the same and it was starting to feel safe.  

So there on top of the Brooklyn Bridge as people walked pass me with smiles on their faces while taking pictures of the beautiful bridge and the the breath taking scenery all around us, there I was in deep thought of my AJ and tears began to roll down my face and everyone around me was happy and no one noticed the woman who was walking alone with tears in her eyes.  In that moment I was in another world a world called AJ... and I missed AJ so desperately.  

So I wonder, is it out of sight out of mind? or is it absence makes the heart grow fonder? and after thinking about him and thinking that there is no way for me to know about him and remembering how he made me feel, I realized that absence definitely has made my heart grow fonder, and that you sure don't know what you have until it's gone! I understand why I am feeling all these things lately.  I am going through all these emotions because I constantly meet new people and I always try to stay true to myself and others, yet more and more I realize how people lie and how people play with each other and how people never know what they want.  But with AJ, even until the very last time we talked he told me the truth.  AJ wasn't afraid to tell me how I made him feel, he was so brave and honest.  He told me that he couldn't go through meeting me and how he was so afraid because I had pushed him away once before and how he didn't trust me enough to let his guard down.  

Why would he trust me after I had pushed him away and treated him like a suspect? but how was I supposed to know that he was genuine and honest? How can I not have started falling in love with such an amazing guy? I was so blind! and so stupid.  How could I have known that he was probably one of if not the only truly genuine guy that I have met in so many years? even more genuine and honest then Benjamin, because Benjamin lied to me, he deceived me for his own selfish reasons.  

Anyway, a few months ago I tried calling AJ and his number had been disconnected so I thought he had done it because of me.  Today however, I was missing him so much I decided just to dial the number just cause, when I did, his voicemail came on.  I was so happy just to hear his voice! and after I heard it I just hung up.  I will not call him again or bother him again because I do not want to be that obsessed woman in love like I was with Benjamin.  But in the deepest of my heart I wish so bad he would come back to me.  If he did I would show him that I can be different, that I can be trusting and that I can be intimate and that I can be loyal and committed.  That I am capable of loving him unconditionally because I want to, I want to love him because he is worthy of my love.  His birthday is in a few days, what I wouldn't give to be able to share his special day with him! last year around this time the plan was that this year around this time, he would be in NY with me and then the following year I would be in his city with him.  His beautiful amazing city surrounded by breath taking mountains and wonderful people.

AJ I miss you so much!

Brenda Russel - Piano in The Dark

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SE-0EcyGQYo&feature=related

What happens in Vegas!

 Dear Journal - I know it has been sometime since I last wrote but as of late, my life has been pretty busy! I came on here tonight to write...