The below letter was written by me on January 15, 2009. I started this blog, in December of 2010. It's more of a story really. I sent it to a friend, who had stopped talking to me then went on his blog an wrote about me and made me feel horrible. After him and I stopped talking, I wrote him over 500 letters in a span of 2 years trying to make up with him.
He never responded. I hope you will enjoy my story below. Thank you for stopping by my blog :) YOUR AWSOME!
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Dear Friend:
I like the way you blogged about what happened between us, say that you are learned from it, then proceed to ignore my messages.
There are two characters to this story, one will be referred to as "me" the other person will be referred to as "blogger"
This is my side of the story. (Jazzy)
My side of the story I cannot share with the world. I do not have nor do I have any desire to have a blog where I can write about my thoughts or teach anyone anything. I don't really have an amazing passion for any one thing, which I feel is something that is lacking in my life, yet sometimes I think, that my passion is life.
Living it in the best way I can, living the moments yet not living the moments, because, sometimes you need to choose your moments wisely, therefore, sometimes letting yourself live the moment is not a good idea, it all depends on what that moment is.
Sure I can go on this bloggers site and put my side of the story the way you will witness it, yet I would never do that because I am not a malicious person, because I, no matter how upset someone gets me, am not vengeful, or mean spirited, I am a good person I just get really mad sometimes. Yet no matter how mad I get, I would never be capable of hurting another human life, nor has that thought ever, ever crossed my thoughts.
I know that I am kind of beating a dead horse and that it is over and done with, however, I feel that I have to express myself and tell the writer of this blog one day, why I feel that I am owed an apology.
This blogger this person who is very special to me, is stubborn and will only say things he wants to say, when he wants to say it, in his own way, and no one is going to make him say something he already feels he said by writing that blog post. I love this about this person, because although he is reserved and quietly thinks to himself what he wants to say, he has more guts and balls then I do, why? Because he can stop, he can let go, he has the will power that I will never have.
The pieces that I refer to as "Blogger" I took from the post that this person who blogs, wrote about me and I translated what he wrote, into my own interpretation. You will see an = sign which means how I am interpreting his words. Was it a good analyses? I am not sure, I judged what he wrote, with my love, therefore what you the person reading this right now, interpret his words to be, might be significantly different from what I interpret. My point is, that when we care for someone, we see things that might not necessarily be there, we judge with our hearts.
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Blogger - "Part of me was afraid that this person's emotions were a valid reflection of my own true character" = she says what I feel and want to say.
Jazzy - Is this better? I, me want to be able to ignore someone and act like if they don't exist, yet I cannot. Is it better to maybe sometimes not say anything at all? I am not sure, yet I think that it all comes down to communication, I believe this is why we have the United Nations because it is so important to communicate, in any type of relationship.
For some people, it is sometimes hard to say what they want, or rather, they wait to say it when they feel it's the right time. This is sometimes good, but, it is sometimes bad. Sometimes, this will allow the other person to cool off, but you have to know that at some point you have to address the issues at hand you have to face them head on, and you have to communicate your thoughts no matter what the outcome. You can loose out on so many things when you are going around living in fear of hurting people or saying the wrong thing. Fear, makes us human, it's ok to be afraid, but sometimes you have to take the leap. I am so scared of so many things. I am scared of what is going on in my life currently. But some way some how, I have to get up every morning and try not to be scared, and try to do the right things, and try and be good and speak my mind and hope that I don't put my foot in my mouth, because sometimes, I am too quick to speak and don't think things through. I sometimes do this because I want to solve things right there and then, at that moment I hate for things to drag, yet there are times in life when it's better to just wait for the right time. I am learning this slowly. I believe that this blogger, can and will slowly change his ways, I think he can definitely do it! I believe in him. I believe he is growing, as an individual.
Blogger - Over the last few weeks, an individual in my life has launched a serious campaign of hatred against me. =
This girl that I had an e-mail friendship with for the last year, and who's heart I kind of broke, maybe not intentionally but maybe intentionally I am not sure, is really pissed at me because in a very bad way, she found out I had a girlfriend, the way I let her know was a bit bad, but I am the type of person that I cannot be direct sometimes, I have problems with telling people exactly how I feel, because sometimes, I don't want to hurt them. I didn't do it the way I did to hurt her, I simply didn't know what other way to do it. I have a problem with being open – or maybe secretly I was afraid that if she knew about me having a significant other, I might loose her. I don't want her, but I don't want anyone else to have her.
Jazzy - (I got a truth out of the blogger by making up a joke or a lie I guess. One day I just felt it was so odd that this man, handsome, smart cool guy, didn't have someone in his life and so I sent him a text message saying that someone who said they knew him said he had a girl. When I sent that message I didn't get an answer as per usual, and at that very moment I thought "OMG he has a girl" Why didn't he ever say something??
Blogger - These messages started out with simple feelings of discontent; but, over the last week or two, these feelings have escalated to extreme and very explicit feelings of hatred.
Jazzy - I can recall one message that I sent this blogger that said something like "I hate that you make me feel hate in my heart, I am a good person, I am not this!" The messages where not always just of discontent, they were a cry to please tell me something? anything?? why is it that this blogger felt that I didn't deserve an answer? Was I not a friend? Was I ever mean or bad to this blogger?
Blogger -I tried ignored all of these messages, hoping that the hatred would simply subside. = In the past, I had pissed this person off and after she was done bitching and going off on me, she would get over it and we would continue our friendship as if nothing had happened.
Jazzy - I would never really get over it, I would simply know that this blogger was not confrontational, therefore I knew that if I would change the topic and act normal, then he would come back to talking to me as if nothing had happened, yet in my heart, everything kept building. Should I have said all the horrible things I said to him? Of course not, no one should be addressed in such a way. However, this is the way I have always handled situations when I am very upset or angry. This is definitely not good, this is something I am working on currently, learning that there are things you simply don't say. It is hard for me. Any relationships that I have had in the past have always been of an abusive nature, yet, it wasn't fair that I treated someone that way simply because he didn't give me the answers to my questions. Yet he pushed me in a way only people that I truly love can push me, the hurt was so strong, the anger, the not knowing, the feeling that I didn't know this person. The thought that his actions towards me where malicious, the stories I created in my mind about this individual simply because he did not communicate. It was horrible. But, I should have never said those things and I regret that I did.
But then, the situation finally culminated with a message over the weekend that I felt I had to view as a threat of physical violence. At this point, I responded with legal counsel in tow and asked never to be contacted again. = It is ok for me to listen to a rap song called no tears by scarface and for me to get pumped up about it. Yet it is not ok, for this person, to listen to a song by a very popular hip hop group of the 90's a song that was played in the clubs (I sent a song to him via an email and dedicated it to him, the song was violent in nature, I was pissed, I wanted to let him know how upset I was, that's the message this blogger is referring to)
Jazzy - I don't even know who this rapper scarface is but I guess that based on my background it isn't ok for me to listen to this music because that might mean I might really be a bad person and really am thinking of doing something bad to someone (stereotyping). Maybe based on the country I come from and the bad reputation that this country has I am stereotyped by people even those who I have been opened and honest and sincere with from the start. This truly saddens me. What world do we live in? What world do I leave my children to live in?
Jazzy - (My family migrated to this country through Mexico in 1973, they worked in factories and sometimes had to jump out windows because immigration would be outside the factory doors looking to get people to deport them back to their country. My parents they came here for me. I am the oldest of two girls, I was back home in my country with my grandparents while my parents were here, in NYC, jumping out of windows so they wouldn't get caught by immigration and be sent back home to their daughter, whom probably had no future had they not come to this wonderful country that I love. My family is good. My cousins, work in the union as construction workers, some of my family have been able to get degree's and are doing well, others, are serving this country in the military. My family is a good family. I am not ghetto, I wasn't raised in any projects (not that that is bad) but I come from a good hard working family. I don't have any "connections", I surround myself with decent hard working people. Maybe they are not doctors and lawyers but they are decent and hard working. I don't even have a big brother to defend me from the men that have hit me in the past and have verbally abused me. I have nothing, no one. I have always had to fight my own battles.
Blogger - At first, I felt like a huge weight had been lifted off of my shoulders. But, as I began to think about it, I started to feel that I did not act well. = At first I was glad to get her out of my life, she was saying really mean, hurtful things, disrespecting me in a way that probably no one has ever done before. Did I deserve these words? No no one should be talked to that way. But when she called me crying, begging me not to get her in trouble, I heard the fear in her voice and right there at that moment she became real. She became that person who I knew I know, that person who for the last year, had confided in me and treated me like a friend. And, I felt bad.
Blogger - We have this catchy, zen-like phrase for it, but really it is just another label for "communication;" we have a framework here at work in which proper communication channels are encouraged. = I want to be more open, and able to say what I want, but this takes time.
Blogger - The reason we have this mentality in place is because we don't want to make assumptions. Yes, we'd like to believe that every developer wants to turn in top quality work. Yes, we'd like to believe that every developer knows how to test their own code. Yes, we'd like to believe that every developer knows how to do a thorough job. But, the fact is, we cannot make the assumption that what is considered "good" or "bad" or "obvious" by our own value system is also considered "good" or "bad" or "obvious" by the value systems of those around us.
Jazzy – I believe that if this blogger didn't think I had the same values as he does, he would of stopped being my friend a very long time ago. I hope, that he wrote this because he needed to make a comparison and he was trying to tell me something, yet he couldn't make it obvious, I believe he knows that he knows me. And he does.
Blogger - In the way of the warrior, the 3rd agreement is to never make assumptions. We, as warriors, do this because we understand that we each see the world through our own eyes and through the context of our own truth systems. Therefore, we understand that it is not right to judge people with the assumption that their beliefs align properly with ours.
Jazzy – I believe that this blogger and I, see the world pretty much the same way. We both have good hearts, we are both good people in bad situations.
Blogger - In the matter of the person who has taken such a malicious attitude towards me, I realize that this agreement is where I have failed to act well. = I screwed up with my friend.
Jazzy - I resent that word malicious, yet I know that this blogger has to keep the attention of the reader, and had to make this very exciting for the readers to be engaged. Or at least, that is what I hope.
Blogger - I ignored this person's messages of hatred thinking that they would go away. I never once spoke up and said that what they were doing was wildly inappropriate and must stop. = I should of told her the truth from the beginning and then if I noticed she was still a rude person, I should of stopped being her friend. I don't want to have nasty rude friends.
Blogger - I assumed that this person's value system was equal to that of mine and therefore I judged this person based on what I know to be true. And, because I made this assumption, I did not give this person "a chance not to be fired." = I should of just spoke to her instead of being scared, now I lost my friend.
Jazzy – Again, if this blogger didn't believe we had the same value system, why would he have stayed my friend all this time? And, true friendships last a lifetime.
Blogger - Furthermore, I realize that I have also acted out of fear. I did not speak up sooner because part of me was afraid to be a bad friend. = I don't really know what I want from this person. I am a bit confused.
Blogger - Part of me was afraid to hurt this person's feelings. = I didn't want to hurt her feelings, I have never done so intentionally.
Jazzy – If I truly in my heart ever thought that this blogger was a mean spirited person, or "bad person" I would of stopped being his friend a long time ago.
Blogger - All of my actions with this person have been made out of fear. But, a warrior never acts out of fear. A warrior acts out of love. And, the most loving action that I should have taken would have been to communicate with this person and give them a chance not to be fired. I did not act in the way of the warrior; I did not act out of love. I let my emotions control the situation.
Jazzy – I let my emotions take control of the situation as well.
Blogger - But, at least I am now reflecting on it and can take steps to make sure that this does not happen again. A warrior always does his best.
Jazzy – Are you really reflecting? Are you really going to try and change? Obviously this blogger is truly not in my life, obviously this blogger is not my friend or let me rephrase I am not part of this bloggers circle of friends, yet, I believe that this blogger has very special feelings for me, almost feelings that he himself don't understand, or maybe he doesn't know what those feelings are. I believe that we didn't live any moments because both of us were scared. Both of us didn't find the right time.
Note To blogger: This NJ person who went on and posted a comment about "us" this person who obviously read the messages that I sent to you. I only hope that this person is a male friend, not your significant other. I only hope that you kept your word, that my secrets the things that I said to you will only always be for you. This person, who doesn't know "us" needs not make comments based on only the bits and pieces of information you felt were enough information or the information which you felt you could share. I did not get upset for a stupid reason. I had a very legitimate reason to be upset. And If you do not know why I feel I am owed an apology, I will tell you. I feel I am owed an apology because, you played games with me, you never told me anything specific, you just kind of let me hanging on a string for dear life hoping, wishing that what I thought you felt was true.
So this is my story, and now I am alone, and scared once again to face the world alone to maybe have possibilities to let others in. But I will not, I don't want to, I am not ready. I am still searching for me, and I will not rest until I find me.
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As a final note:
I never got an "I'm sorry" but I have to say, that I am ok. Sure I still often think of him, well everyday, but slowly I am moving on from this stuff, so much so, that I feel ok sharing these letters with the world.
COMMUNICATION, IS THE KEY, TO ANY SUCCESSFUL RELATIONSHIP!
