Jazzy.... The truth shall set you free!

Dear Journal -

I originally wrote this post on my phone on 3/20.  I had been meaning to post it but had not had a chance.  I went on vacation to Hawaii and it was truly lovely! It was so nice to spend some time with my two kids and really missed my oldest son who was not able to join us.  I really liked Hawaii and I may go back one day to a different Island (I went to Honolulu) but it was quite pricey.  I also have been to other beautiful islands one which is in Colombia, where I could enjoy the same type of things, but way cheaper.  Non the less, I don't regret my trip! I have wanted to go to Hawaii ever since I can remember knowing about it, which I want to say was when I was about 10 or 11 years old, that is a pretty long time! I would always say, that one day I would have my honeymoon in Hawaii! well, I didn't have a honeymoon in Hawaii, but that is ok! because I had a lovely time with the people I love most in this world!

Anyway, on Sunday, 3/20 I wrote the following post.  Let's say,  I was feeling a lot of things on that day, one of those feelings was disappointment and hurt and maybe a little deceived.  I was flooded with so many emotions, so I did what I do when I need to release all those thing, I grabbed my phone and wrote!

Sometimes you tell yourself lies to stay in situations you know aren’t right or you know that you aren’t being treated right because I don’t know, sometimes it's easier to lie to yourself than to be brutally honest with ourselves because the truth can often be pretty scary or very hurtful.  A lot of times, you see things clearly or the signs are very clear, but you can't handle the truth because you want so bad in your heart to believe that people's intentions are as genuine as yours, or that people are not out to hurt you.  While I have very serious deep trust issues (which I will be working on with my therapist) sometimes, I believe that people are out to get me and it isn't my fault and I don't do it on purpose, but in my heart and soul, this is what I believe and I cannot tell you how difficult it is to live with this constant fear and constantly talk yourself through it because it is almost an impediment to my happiness and it causes me so much anxiety and pain and it is the hardest thing to live with!

Journal, I told you I got a new therapist on my last post, I knew that I needed to work through some things and that I was really struggling, so I finally made the call and made the appointment and started my sessions.  It is also part of my love myself March! She is not just a therapist she is actually a Dr. therefore, she has expertise in certain mental health disorders, I have only met with her 2X and I can already tell that she knows her stuff! she’s pretty amazing in those two meetings, I have already gained a wealth of knowledge! 

The other day I was talking to her about a situation where I was feeling used and just felt like I wasn’t being treated the way that I wanted and deserved, not because this individual was doing anything mean or anything like that, but because I had repeatedly asked this person for one very what I thought was a simple thing and I just wasn't getting it.  I told her about the situation, I told her that there was an individual I have always been really honest and sincere with, I have always tried my best to keep this situation in a place where I can control my emotions about it (well maybe not in the beginning as I would often be pretty mean) but since the beginning of this year I had been working on trying really hard to be honest with myself as well as this person because I feel very connected to this individual.  

I guess I can say that since this person and I started to hang out together, I've always asked for the same thing over and over again, which has basically been, I need better communication between us, however, no matter in which way I have asked, my request has fallen upon death ears.  So I was telling my therapist the story and after I told her this I began to justify why maybe this person didn't communicate with me the way I wanted and as I was coming up with a million different reason why I thought this person was doing this, she stopped me and asked me, what is true about this you just told me? What is true about this situation? For a moment, I felt really sad and I had to stop for a second and hold back my tears as I had to be honest to myself and to her.  My response to her was, "the truth is, this person doesn’t care enough to do what I’m asking" and with that my heart dropped and my tears rolled down my eyes, because I had to say it out loud and that truth really hurt me! The truth is this person doesn't want to communicate with me, because there have been times that this person has no trouble doing so, but it is usually done, when this person feels like it.  I also told her that it is my experience that when someone genuinely likes you, they want to talk to you, so you don’t even have to ask for it, and yet, I’ve asked time after time and nothing ever changed. 

After having this realization and finishing my session with her I kept asking myself what is true about this situation with this person, and the more I thought about what was true the more I felt sad and the more I felt used and the more I felt deceived and the more I saw the reality that has been in front of me for months! I had just literally mentioned to this person a few days before writing this post, that this is what I needed and 3 days had gone by and I had not even gotten a "hey, how was your day" and the one time I reached out to this person because they were like, well you can reach out to me too, I barely got a response like I don't know 8 hours later maybe.  The thing is, that I know this person well enough to know now, that when this person feels like it, they respond, they reach out, but mostly it's when it's a means to an end, in other words, we are going to see each other and hang out, other than that, this person just doesn't have time for me.  So I guess, I need to remove this option from his life, because well, I am pretty darn awesome and anyone who has the privilege of partaking in my life, should want to know how I'm doing all the time, the fact that I had to keep asking for this, makes me feel so stupid! I feel like I have been begging for someone's affection, because this someone says they care about me! and I'm sure that they do care about me, I'm not saying this person is doing things on purpose to hurt me, but I think this person cares about me as a person, not in a romantic way the way I care about them.

As part of love myself March, I had told myself that I needed to not just state that I love myself but really mean it! Truly hold myself and tell myself that I’m worth it! That I’m a pretty cool woman to have around, that I’m honest and loving and caring and that I don’t play with anyone or try to be malicious or lead anyone on, I try to be true to people and myself. I feel that I did just that during the whole time that this person and I were hanging out. From day 1 I was honest. I felt that this person was not honest with me though. I’m sure this person enjoyed my company and that it was cool having me around but I don't think this person has been true to themselves or me, with their true intentions and actually, we spoke and this person called me their escape.  Yup, that is what every woman wants! to be someone's escape!  

So I finally decided that I couldn’t continue to lie to myself about something I already know.  I am not mad at this individual, but I am sad, because I feel that I have been led on by this individual for a really long time and at one point I didn't care so much, but when I'm calling someone who I'm not in a relationship with and asking them where they were as if I am owed an explanation, all of a sudden I'm my own red flag! I literally called this individual and without a thought, the words came out of my mouth and as they were coming out, all I could think of was...... WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING I MY WORLD!!!! 

This individual and I had literally had a conversation about this same exact thing not even two weeks before, where this individual apologized to me saying that we should be communicating more so that there are no like, weird feelings where I'm thinking things that are not true, like just having this mutual respect for one another because whether we are in a relationship or not, there are feelings involved and you just don't go around treating people like they don't matter! so yea, maybe I am not the right person for this individual and it is such a bummer! I have to admit I have been feeling really down about all of this, but at least now I know, what is true!

As much as my heart aches at least I am being true to myself and I am not allowing for someone to continue to play with my emotions and drag me along to continue to be their escape until which time they find whatever it is they are truly seeking for out there! to bad it wasn't me! is it their loss? is it my loss? I don't know, all I know is that it's hard to have this person in my life and maybe even harder not too! I can't make up my mind.  But I do know this, I deserve someone that knows that I'm the person they want to message everyday to see how I'm doing, I deserve to be treated with love and treated like a queen! because I am a queen! I take care of the people that matter to me, and I want to feel that I matter to someone enough for them to take care of me too! so yea journal, sad end to the month of March! 

I think for the month of April, I will continue to practice loving myself and staying true to myself, I got on dating sites again but inactivated them because one person doesn't replace another, I need to heal a little from this experience as it has taken a toll on me, I guess I can say this person was my rebound and I don't want to find a rebound to get over my rebound, that just seems ridiculous! I want to take care of Jazzy, so that if and when the right person comes along, I am not the hot mess writing this post.  

The end.....

I will leave you with...... Sia - Elastic Heart

The Weekend.....I feel it coming.....

Sent from Jazzy’s iPhone 

I don't want you, but I don't want anyone else to have you!

 Dear journal -

The month of March has been pretty cool thus far! Work has been steady with no major crazy happenings, I've been working on my diet, I have been doing yoga and I've been working on taking care of my kid that I really have been struggling with.  I have raised two young men, but I they were pretty chill compared to my daughter! Girls are tough, especially when they have your character and drive! it's been really different and I've learned so much.

I started doing a 30 day yoga challenge called 30 days of Yoga with Adrienne on YouTube, she is a lovely woman and I really enjoy watching her yoga classes.  I tried to be consistent with the days, but I have not been able to stay consistent with the daily practice for various reasons.  I won't get into the reasons as they are not important, but basically, I feel that as long as I continue to do the practice in order even if it isn't consecutive, then at least I'm not giving up! The only one I have to prove anything to is myself so I'm not in some sort of competition where I have to prove anything to anyone. With all of that being said, it's nice to continue to try and not give up which is what I don't want.

So, what's with the title of this blog post you ask? well, let me start by saying that anytime I have been single, there has definitely been this occurrence in my life that happens over and over again and that is,  the one guy that likes you, they enjoy spending time with you, but they don't quite know what to do with you! you know that guy I am talking about right? the one that doesn't want to share you, but doesn't really want to be with you in a way that is clear that you are the person they really want to be with.  Years ago, maybe when I first started writing this journal, the same thing would often happen to me, I think back then I didn't quite get it, I guess I sort of cared but not really, but now, I think I do understand it a bit better.  What I understand, is that people are usually confused or scared or always thinking that by some miracle of God, they are going to meet some magical creature also known as a woman, who will be fulfilling their every need, except that is just a myth we all have in our minds! sometimes I feel like open relationships can be rewarding based on this idea that no one person can meet all of your needs, and therefore, being able to have more than one partner in any capacity can possibly be fulfilling.  I don't really know that I could do it as when I fall in love with someone, I am very passionate and loyal and the thought of being with anyone else automatically leaves my mind.

I recently started working with a new therapist and it has been really good! I feel like I found someone who is knowledgeable and can help me work through things that I need to in order to feel mentally well.  Our minds are so powerful, it's important to learn how to control your thoughts so that they aren't always running away with ideas and things that don't serve you well! sometimes my mind goes on tangents that I don't understand or feel that it's productive, my mind causes me to feel anxiety and so it's in those moments that I realize that working through things with someone is a healthy way of getting those thoughts out of my head and talk about them as that is what my mind needs, it needs to release things that weigh heavy on me.  I highly recommend therapy! I had been procrastinating on getting someone new, but I think I found someone that can really help me through the every day struggles of life! Everyday, is a new opportunity to get mentally healthy, every day, is a new opportunity to be ok with life, with the things we can't control, with living as best we can.

I don't have much more to share journal, so I will leave you with this...... Life is short, live it as best you can, make every moment special, make memories with the important people in your life! be grateful for the wonderful things that you have and ask for whatever your heart desires! 

Love Myself March!

 Dearest journal-

It has been way to long since I've last visited you and everyday, there is always some sort of excuse I guess, that keeps me from coming on to this page and putting down some thoughts! Sure, there is always some sort of even small event that happens in my life, but I just don't feel that the small events that have occurred in my life lately, are major enough to report and while I do want to bring news of some sort to these pages, I just don't want to bring any sort of boring news, I want them to be exciting, fun and if nothing else, amusing! 

Lately things have gone ok with life in general, I've been having tons of work which keeps me very busy and I always have plans usually every weekend because I like to enjoy life as much as I can.  Most recently, my teenage daughter and I have been learning to me ski her snowboard, it has definitely been a new exciting challenge that her and I have taken on that is super fun! I have to report that I have only fallen once and that was when I was getting off the lift because I got off wrong and ended up on the floor, other than that, we have been skiing down the beginner slopes which are always super fun! I am constantly in awe of how many people are there with their little ones teaching them how to ski! it's mind blowing to see these little ones in these tiny skis coming down a mountain! amazing!!! honestly, seeing all these little kids is one of my favorite parts about going skiing! the place I go to is very family friendly, the youngest little skier I've met so far is 2 years old!!!! 2! he barely just started walking and already in skis! cutest thing EVA!!!

So March is now here and I kept thinking that almost every month I have been trying to do something productive or at the very least find something to stick too, like for instance, in November I had decided it would be no sweets November which ended in half a month no sweets November because I failed that miserably! to my defense, it was probably the worst month to take on something like not eating sweets, as it is the month everyone is preparing for chowing down some delicious food! anyway, I don't ever get to down about not succeeding in something, what I do instead is say to myself "at least you tried!" so, I will try again on a different occasion.  The good thing is that I have done all these challenges in the past and actually followed through, it's just that lately I do lack the motivation to stick to things, I just don't want to put in so much work on things such as being mindful not to stick a piece of candy in my mouth or buy some ice cream at McDonald's which is SO GOOD! but, I will do it one of these months I PROMISE JOURNAL!

This month I decided that I wanted to do "love myself March!" so, what does that mean you ask journal? Well, for starters I have written here so many times that I am a giver, I give, give and give until I can't give no more and then I'm resentful when no one gives me, so I decided that this month instead of giving everyone else, instead, I'm going to start by giving me! giving myself some love every morning when I wake up by doing the 30 days of yoga challenge, giving myself by making all the medical appointments I constantly say I have to go on, giving myself or actually going to get myself a manicure pedicure (which I NEVER DO!) I always just do my own nails as I feel that I rather spend 60 dollars on something else because there are so many other things I can do with 60 bucks! but this month I'm going to "splurge" I will be getting a mani-pedi doing my hair, getting a facial anything I can do to take care of me! Ms. Jazzy! 

Lately I have been feeling pretty happy with life in general, I almost want to say that I attribute that to the fact that I am no longer in love! I feel this weird sense of freedom! like I've been untied from the restraints of love! Sure, love is a wonderful amazing thing with you share it with someone that is reciprocating and you have a healthy loving thing with, but if that is not the case, then it becomes like an impediment to happiness! lately I just feel so free that my heart does not belong to anyone, I feel so happy that I don't care about it anymore, that I'm not thinking about this one specific person 24/7 that I don't have to worry about someone else's life but my own.  Do I want to ever fall in love again? maybe one day I don't know, but I'm going to be very very picky as to whom I give my heart to, because I think I am pretty damn awesome and I shouldn't go around giving my heart to just anyone! I am single and am ok with it and it feels amazing and I feel amazing and it has taken me a long long time after my last break up to get to this place! so I am grateful to the universe and God!

So yes! Love Myself March is all about me! I cried to my friend the other day telling her that I had noticed that I take care of everyone and who takes care of Jazzy? absolutely NO ONE! so I have to take care of Jazzy because if I don't love myself, then who will? I love that I'm finding my center and feeling empowered and free and amazing! I can't complain journal, life is just as it should be! 

I will leave you with.....Can't stop the feeling - Justin Timberlake