Dear Journal: My Hand...

Dear Journal -


I took a brief writing class this summer, and I feel like I never have time to apply the things that I learned there.  It was seriously awesome! being there with all those creative people who enjoyed writing as much as I do.  The class was a creative writing, so the people would just whip up a story in 10 minutes, I found that truly amazing.  For me, it was difficult to write fiction.


I am going on a trip to Costa Rica in a few weeks (alone) which is kind of weird and crazy and makes me feel old and well, alone.  I had a wonderful friend there that was supposed to spend time with me during my stay, but fortunately for him and sort of unfortunately for me, he was made a job offer in another country that he simply had to accept.  I was and am very happy for him, but was and am very sad for me, because I won't see my wonderful childhood friend that I haven't seen in years.  


I will however, spend time with his friends that he virtually introduced to me.  His friends were kind enough to offer to take me in and take me around.  I find that to be a very sweet gesture in his and their part.  I guess in reality I am not going to be totally alone, but I do sort of want to be alone and am actually really looking forward to it.  My friends often say that I do things that they could never imagine themselves doing, what can I say other than, I'm a gypsy! I like to live life, experience things and I'm not afraid.  Isn't life meant to be lived?? well that's all I'm doing, I'm living.


Anyhow, I decided that while I am in Costa Rica, I will try to spend quality time by myself writing and also, brace yourself please......STUDYING!!! I KNOW! WTF!!! Truthfully, I feel that being away will be a great time for me to finally have some me time and relax and do the things I never get to.  like read a few books that I bought.  So, I will sit by the beach and read and write! yes, this will make me very happy! I KNOW! I'M GETTING FUCKING OLD!!!! WTF! WHO AM I AND WHERE IS JAZZY?????


Ok, so here is the deal, I started out this post thinking of sharing something I wrote in my writing class and it turned out into a story about me getting old and wanting to study on my trip! WTF! but fear not, below is the little story that I wrote in one of my writing classes.  Which was the whole point of this post.  God! I sure do beat around the bush a lot to get to my point!!! Sorry about that sweet journal.


Below is one of the exercises I had to do in one of my writing classes.  I was supposed to stare at my hand, and write about it.  Please note, my teacher said that before you write something really good, you have to write CRAP! below is some crap I wrote about my hand..... I'm so glad I have my journal to write crap in!

*******************************************************

MY HAND: Author Jazzy

*******************************************************

I don't understand why my fingers are so long and thin.  It almost feels like this hand does not correspond to the rest of my body.  My hand has tan tone through out the year, if you saw it, you think it to have been out of a window receiving rays of sun to take the tone it has.  It is like a light brownish beige color, very difficult to describe, but very nice.  My nails are finally growing, the are probably half of an inch outside of my fingers.  This beats those acrylic tips that would cover the natural peachy tone and the horizontal ridges of my natural nail.  I just noticed for the very first time in my life, that I have 4 tiny beauty marks on the outside part of my hand that are just a bit darker then my natural tan color, which when looking down at my hand if you were to connect them, they would form a triangle....

Please enjoy one of my fave songs.....

Gypsy By: Shakira 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_3-GiVIE8gc&ob=av2e

DON'T LET THE MOMENT PASS YOU BY......JUST SAY IT!

Sometimes the moment just passes you by...


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xaVLbk_3UeU

Ani DiFranco "Hypnotized"

You were no picnic, you were no prize.......


Ani DiFranco "Hypnotized"

Frank Sinatra - The Way You Look Tonight Original

Someday, I will feel a glow just thinking of you, and the way you look tonight.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h9ZGKALMMuc

THE 5 YEAR PLAN!

Ever since I was in my early 20’s (damn that was a long time ago!) I have always had a 5 year plan.  When I was a recruiter, I would always ask people who I interviewed where they saw themselves in 5 years.  To employers, it is important that the person they hire, have a good sense of where they want to be, where they see themselves going and they want to have a sense of it because they want to hire an individual who is in control of their life and has plans, goals, dreams.  They want to hire someone that has vision.  Also, they want someone who is going to be part of their organization for a long time.  Retention is a big deal these days in Corporate America because it costs money for companies to have a high turn over rate, so, when interviewing a candidate for a position, it is important for this individual to know what they want in terms of their future.

Besides asking people where they saw themselves in 5 years so that I could then go and brag to my client why my candidate was awesome and suitable for their company.  I was also nosy and just wanted to know people’s business.  Yes, this is why I want to be a therapist one day or at least go back to my previous industry and work in a role that allows me to be nosy.   In thinking about turning 40 and planning out my next 5 years, there is something that I wanted to put on my journal that I felt was very important and relevant.  In addition to writing this journal to put my thoughts out in the World Wide Web for anyone to read.  I also constantly go back to it myself and re-read posts to sort of make sure that what I am writing or that what I am “preaching” I am practicing.  Whenever I loose site or focus, I reference my journal to sort of get myself on track.

A few months ago, I told someone that his world, extended beyond the world that he lived in and that I was sorry that I had come into his life and made him realize that there was a life outside of his town/city/state.  I told him that the world was a huge place and that whatever we set out to do in this world, if we do it with love and passion, we can accomplish it.  We are given all the tools in life to make things happen.  I have witnessed how some of my friends who come from poverty, have made it to where they wanted to be.  They did it, with hard work and dedication.  This is why I know that anything is possible.

Most of my life, I have done everything that I have set out to do.  I for the most part have always set these five year goals for myself, in order to have some direction and to have a vision of where I want to be.  I believe that it is truly important to see beyond today, even if I preach practicing living in the moment.  Living in the moment however, does not necessarily mean, that you don’t plan for tomorrow.  But, that is a whole other post.

The reason why I am writing about this today, is because for the last few months after I told this person that his world went beyond his town/city/state, I began to think about myself and how I was telling him this, yet I wasn’t looking at myself and my situation and my wants/needs in the same way.  Meaning, that as I was saying these things to him, I didn’t realize that the same thought and idea I was expressing to him could apply to me as well.  I needed to take my own advice and think outside the box.  Envision and see that the world goes far beyond NYC.  

I went out to LA a few years ago and I have to say, that I fell in love with it.  Ever since then, I have always said things like, I want to live there someday.  A few months ago, after getting to know this awesome individual that I had, had the pleasure of meeting by chance and preaching to him.  I realized that I to needed to take my own advice.  That leaving NY had always been in the back of my mind.  That my world too could extend beyond this box that I am in, I realized that I too could leave NY no matter how much I loved this city.  Getting to know him left me feeling like there is this whole other world that I want to explore and that it is way beyond the world that I live in.  Knowing him, gave me a new vision and almost a push to go for what would really make me happy.  I want to leave NYC some day.  So, what am I going to do about it you ask? Well, I decided to incorporate in my 5 year plan, relocating to another state.  The more I give thought to this idea, the more excited about it I get.  I feel overwhelmed by all the people and all the things that NY has to offer, I feel like I have exhausted all of it’s resources. 

When I visited my friend in Nebraska, I remember I kept thinking how lovely it was where she lived, how my run was so peaceful, how people were so pleasant and kind.  When I went to Pennsylvania to visit my other friend, I felt the same way, when I go to Connecticut to visit my family it’s the same thing.  My heart is a New Yorker, but my mind is no longer content here. 

I have decided to start researching different States and options as to where to go within the next 5 years.  But first, I have already made plans to visit Indiana and South Dakota next summer.  I joined a new social network site, which will enable me to meet people all over the US.  I have been talking to people that I work with that come from all over the US to tell me what their cities are like. I’m so excited, because everyone is so encouraging in my ideas.  I have never been afraid of taking chances so I most certainly will not start being afraid now.  I think it’s time that I let go of NY and find a peaceful place where I can finish raising my two younger children.  I have to admit though, that I don’t think I will go anywhere that is not near a beach, I am a beach bunny I need to be near a cost and I don’t mean the East Coast.

Anyway, I’m not saying this is all set on stone, but it’s definitely in my 5 year plan…….. What about you? Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Saturday Night Fever!!!!!

In my music class, we were talking about disco.  Well, here is one of my favorite songs EVER!!!


Dear John Travolta: I love the way you dance!


Saturday night fever: By the Bee Gees...... I'm 40, I grew up listening to this cool stuff!!!

40!!!! OH MY!!!

40 WTF! WOW! I have been preparing for this day for the last year of my life, I really have (please note, I will turn 40 on Sunday, Oct. 2).  I have been saying things like, I'm 40 now and I'll be 40 soon and I'm freaking out!!! I have been saying things like that, to prepare myself for D-DAY!!!

I cannot continue this post without first stressing, that I want to thank God (the un moved mover, the spiritual being, the highest energy and positively pure love) for allowing me to make it to 40 (I hope I make it to Sunday) and allowing me to share my thoughts and experiences with anyone who comes across this blog and would like to read it.

I need to stress on this my journal, how greatful I am that I have thus far lived a healthy life, that he has given me the gift of three wonderful children who give me the strength to constantly move forward and never look back.  I want to thank him for allowing me to have had so many both positive and negative experiences that have made me the woman that I am today.  But most of all, I want to thank him for life, which is the most amazing wonderful thing.

I am here, and I know that the day he calls for me, I will have lived a life that has thus far been so full of so many wonderful adventures and experiences that I do not regret not one moment.  My soul has a purpose, and everyday it becomes more and more clear, what that purpose is.

I do have to admit that I am a bit scared.  I am scared, because I do not know if I'm doing it right, sometimes, I don't even know what I'm doing anymore, yet I wake up and do it anyway.  I get up and do my thing, sometimes however, doing my thing is really difficult but I still do it.

Most of my life I have been all over the place (still am sort of) but I do have to say that the first most noticeable thing that I am happy about in turning 40 is, that thinking about this new phase of my life, has given me the opportunity to take a look at my life and evaluate it in a way I never thought of doing before.

For the very first time in my life, I actually know what it is that makes me happy, what makes me sad, what makes me tick, what turnes me on, what I will absolutely tolerate and what I will absolutely not tolerate, what I'm willing to give up or sacrifice, what I will absolutely not give up or sacrifice.  For the very first time in my life I feel feminine and comfortable in my own skin.

My 30's were pretty cool, I learned a lot about my sexuality, I learned alot about the opposite sex, and best of all, i learned how to walk in high heel shoes! I have this feeling however, that my 40's are going to be even better.  I'm older and most definitely wiser.  I am ok with myslelf, and I don't feel the need to be accepted in any "circle" because you either take me as I am, or watch me as I go! It's pretty awesome.

I hope that in my 40's, men my age will give me some attention.  I hope that my Achilles tendon that I hurt from my jogs, gets better so that every now and then, when I feel like dressing up like a girl and wearing my heels and putting on some make up, I can do so, without having any pain. I hope that in my 40's the word drama is no longer in my vocabulary.

I have been feeling a sense of peace in my life and I can honestly say that I feel pretty happy with my life as a whole.  However, I also hope that in my 40's I will become even wiser, that I will get to know myself even better, I hope to be able to become a better mother.  I hope that I can obtain my masters degree in Psychology which will enable me to make a positive difference in lives.  I hope to get better at my writing.  I hope to become a more loving daughter, sister, aunt, cousin and friend.  I hope to move out of NYC and go somewhere West.  I hope to have the opportunity to adopt, provide foster care for or become the step mother of a wonderful child or children.   Lastly, I hope that sometime in my 40's I meet a wonderful man that will understand the extent of my madness! someone who will not judge me based on my past experiences.  Someone that will see me from the inside outward and not vice versa.



I want to say thank you to anyone who comes into my mind and reads my blog.  Seeing the statistics of my blog traffic is truly unbelievable to me.  From December when I first started writing until today, there have been nearly 5,000 views to it.  WOW that is an awesome EARLY BIRTHDAY PRESENT! I never in a million years thought that I would get even 5 people to read it.  I always thought I would at the most have my friends as my readers, however, most of my friends usually say things like, sorry Jazz I haven't had time to read it.  

I'm not upset with my friends for that, after all I text them all my worries or insecurities or sadnesses etc. My point is, that there have been people that have told me they read it, and I'm blown away by it.  Thank you!

I hope in my 40's I will be able to continue with my little project that is this blog, and that I will be able to evolve it into the blog I hope to someday have.  I have this vision that is vivid in my mind and hope that I can make that vision come to life.  I hope to be able to write about things that are meaningful and important and not just about my crazy life.

To end my post, I would like to ask anyone who comes across this page, that if you have 5 dollars to spare, please give to my favorite charity.  That is all I want as a BDAY gift.  I want a child to have those things that we take for granted.


Before you is a 40 year old woman, my name is Jazzy.... Thank you for reading! 


PS. Midlife crisis???? What midlife crisis!!!!!??? whatever do you mean?!?!? I ALWAYS FREAK OUT!

Peace and Love!


CHILDREN INTERNATIONAL is my favorite charity.  Link below. 


http://www.children.org/AChildJustForYouSW3-ChildrenInternational.asp?WT.mc_id=S_Google&RS_ID=2&WT.srch=1

Movie scene......

I love this scene.  Being scared is so silly sometimes, at least after asking she knew.  You should always just ask.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9ExnVKy8hao

I'M ALSO JUST A GIRL......

I was thinking of movies and felt like putting on my blog, my favorite movie scene's.   

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Eit31oT-bDw

Dear Journal - 9-20-11 - Secret conversation with a man.

Dear Journal:


I wrote this on my way home from class today.  I was sitting on the train thinking about how handsome and absolutely cool my Geology professor is and then I thought about my day and the nerve of that man!


I happened to bump into the man I once had secret conversations with http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2011/06/secret-conversations.html.  Of course, this could not have happened on one of the most emotionally draining days ever.  Today after my earlier blog post http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2011/09/story-of-benjamin-nunez.html that left me very depressed and agitated. 


I bumped into him and I had to cross words with this individual who has treated me less then kind.  Did he really think that by giving me his undivided attention I would seriously stand there and chit chat?  I believe he did.  Poor man, doesn't he know that the old Jazzy he once had the pleasure of knowing is dead and that all that is left is this bitch that just doesn't care?  

I walked away thinking, you know you messed up don't you? You realized it and now you don't know how to make it better. You just don't know what to do! Journal, If people only understood that all I ever want is for them to acknowledge their wrong doing and simply say I'm sorry, then I would have not acted like the heartless bitch that stood before him.  Simply saying I'm sorry, is all it would take.  Acknowledge that you didn't treat me kind and say I'm sorry.  I never understand why that is so difficult for people, I really don't.  Instead of him getting the old nice Jazzy, he saw this other woman that he himself created slowly with his behavior towards me.

Don't give me your undivided attention and pretend that you haven't treated me less then kind.  And expect me to act as if nothing happened.  I was there when we had those conversations, I know what happened.  Your kindness got the beautiful human being that I try to be every single struggling day of my life.  Your unkindness, gets no reaction.  I am but a robot without emotion, someone who does not know you.

Thank you though, I thought to myself after.  Thank you for thinking that it's so easy to treat me unkind and get the best of me anyway.  Thank you for thinking I am that weak and stupid.  You obviously have mistaken my kindness for weakness like many others have.  That good sir, will not be the case in this circumstance.  I learn everyday, and I won't be falling in the same hole twice in my life, I might be slow, but I'm not stupid.

Live and learn Jazzy, live and learn!


Ps. Journal, instead of getting off the train at my station, I got off one station later and went to see my wonderful Albanian friend whom I love! I told her about my day and she gave me a big hug and told me she loved me and just like that, everything became better.  Then, I walked into my house and my daughter ran so fast to hug and kiss me, that all the sadness and all the stress that I went through today, just simply disappeared.  I then thought, God, thank you, because this is what life is all about! THE LOVE OF THOSE WHO TRULY LOVE US..........


LIFE IS GOOD!


GOOD NIGHT JOURNAL........

Good Life - One Republic

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jZhQOvvV45w&ob=av2e

GO TO HELL!!!!!! DISAPPEAR FROM MY MIND!!!

When I met him, it was MAGICAL and I have said this from the very first time that I wrote about him on this blog which was my very first blog post.  http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2010/12/omg-my-first-blog-entry.html#comments I am not going to go on and on about it because if you follow my blog, you are probably sick and tired of reading about him.   I have to defend myself by saying that true sincere pure love, does not disappear from our hearts over night.  I have struggled with this for way to long now and I have to honestly say, that I myself am sick and tired of feeling it.  I am sure that many have read countless poems that say things about how it takes only a little bit of time to fall in love with someone, but some loves take a life time to forget.  It is true and I believe it.  I believe that true love, takes a long time to overcome, unless, someone else comes into your life that is able to blow you away again.  Before I loved Benjamin, I loved Hex I have written about him also, http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2011/07/cheating-bastards.html it took me about 3 years to completely get over Hex and it wasn’t until I met Benjamin that I was able to really forget him. 

I always say that I don’t find it right to have re-bound love, because all of my life that is pretty much what I have done.  I would jump from relationship to relationship without even giving myself a chance to breath.  When I think of all the serious relationships I have had in my life, I can honestly say that I do not know who my “TRUE LOVE” was, which is why I don’t believe I have ever had that yet.  Yes I love Benjamin and I loved this one and that one, but to me, “TRUE LOVE” is that love that you never recover from or the person you marry and spend a life time with, or, does that even exist??? Maybe I am after a fairy tale love that really doesn’t exist and they have all in their own way, been my “TRUE LOVES”  What ever the case may be, I am writing this post because today is Benjamin’s birthday and this morning, I called him and left him a message wishing him the very best life has to offer.

Benjamin Nunez is not his real name,  I call him that on my blog for the obvious reason which is that I do not wish to reveal his real name because I don't ever do that when I write about people unless they tell me it is ok.  Also, when him and I first met and he told me his real name, I later could not remember the last name and so I came up with my own version of his name.  I was to embarrassed to ask him.  One day, when he was leaving the company where he worked which was in the same building as the company that I worked (that's where we met) he gave me a business card so we could stay in touch, it was finally that day that I found out his real full name (I only remembered his first name).  I later sent him an email telling him my Benjamin Nunez story and he found it completely hilarious.  Since he is a popular blogger (in his industry) if I were to put his real name on my blog, all you would have to do is type his name on google and countless amounts of pages with his work would come up.  This is another reason why I do not want to put his name on here, I don't think it would be appropriate. 

Last week, the 3rd session of the Philosophy classes he and I both attended began.  http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2011/05/this-poster-can-make-you-happier-than.html I decided that I was not going to be going to those classes for many reasons one which was to avoid seeing him.  Anyway, he had mentioned on twitter that he would be blogging about the classes.  I was really excited about it because I thought to myself that even if I could not attend the actual class, I could at least know what the classes were about by reading his blog right? right? because "supposively" I am like sooooo over him! RIGHT??! RIGHT!.  Last Wednesday I go on his blog (he is an excellent writer) and I begin to read his post on the class and as I get to the middle of his post, there it was, something I sure wasn't expecting to read.  He gave an example about love, referencing his GIRLFRIEND!! At first I had to re- read the post, because I thought maybe he was using an example of a past girl, but no, it was true, my love has found love. 

Yes I have always expected him to get himself a girlfriend obviously, but I just saw him 2 months ago and he said he didn’t even date.  How is it, tha you don't even date, but you find a girlfriend so quickly? That day we were having a conversation about our summer plans and I told him I was seeing someone and he was curious in knowing his name, I kept thinking to myself what difference does that make?? For the last 3 years he has known my feelings for him, he also told me years ago to move on with my life.  I tell him I'm seeing someone to show him that I'm finally trying to do what he asked me and he's interested in knowing the guys name?? Maybe he didn't believe me? because I was really excited when I spoke about the guy to him, but I was excited, I genuinely liked the guy. 

I waited for years for Benjamin to maybe realize that he cared for me too and for nothing.  I kept thinking to myself that he should be happy for me that I was trying to move on with my life as he always asked me to, but men are so selfish, I don't want you Jazzy, but the thought of you with another guy really burns me up!  Especially if this guy get's you so excited.  After telling him the guy's name, I then say to him that he needed to date also, I told him to go out and enjoy himself and get himself a girl.  Well, he obviously listened to me.  Because even though he said he "wasn't dating" he went out and found himself a girlfriend really quick! wtf! men waste no time.  He has been single for nearly as long as I have been, so I guess I was sort of used to that and deep down inside I always had some ridiculous hope of some sort.  Still, 2 months ago you were not even dating and now you have a girlfriend?? WTF! is that???

After I read the post, I laughed about it and told myself that I wasn’t going to read his posts anymore.  I really really don’t want to hear about his “new girlfriend” I tried to put that little bit of information that I read in the back of my mind and told myself that I didn’t care, whatever, we don’t even talk, who gives a shit, poor girl, and I mentally bad mouthed him until I was completely satisfied.  A day later however, I was driving and this song comes on the radio that is pretty popular.  I had heard it before but never really paid attention to the lyrics, so I am finally paying attention to them and I just BROKE DOWN! In that moment, I knew that I still cared for him too much for comfort.  My love has a girlfriend I kept thinking, she is kissing the man that I love! this is too much for me, I can't deal with it, yet I know I have no choice but too.  Who is this woman kissing my love?? I hope she treats him well and that she will understand the extent of his madness, the way I do.

I made a decision this morning, that this will be the last post I write about Benjamin.  In moving on with my life as I have tried and struggled for these last 3 years.  It is important that I completely let go of any and all things related to him.  I had started on this blog a series called letters to a friend http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2011/03/letters-to-friend-series-letter-1-my.html that are about him.  I wanted to continue posting them, but I know that doing so, is not healthy for me and that in learning to love myself and giving myself the opportunity to seriously move on, I need to stop anything that I do, in relation to him.  Hopefully someday, I will be able to start the series again, I will do so, only when he is but a distant memory to me.  For now, I need to do this for my mental health and well being.  Thinking of him isn’t really doing much for me, it’s a useless waste of time and energy, and I am fully aware that I am only hurting myself. 

I don’t know if he ever reads my blog, but if he ever comes across it, I want him to know that my love for him is selfless, that I wish him nothing but the best with his new found love.  When you love someone with sincerity, you want nothing but the best for them.  And even in knowing that they are with someone else, you can cry (as I did) but at the same time smile (as I did also) because you know that they are happy, even if that happiness does not include you. 

HAPPY BIRTHDAY BENJAMIN NUNEZ..

I dedicate this song to you my love.

Adele - Someone like you. (this is the song that made me cry)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=njwvIPJlPN0

DRACULA

HALLOWEEN!!!!! WOOO HOOO! MY FAVORITE HOLIDAY OF THE YEAR!


I already have my costume, and am very excited about it.  Whenever I think of Halloween, along with it, comes the thought of one of my favorite movies.  Bram Stoker's Dracula, this movie in my opinion is one of the best Dracula movies ever made.  I LOVE anything vampire!


I remember going to see it in the theatre with a friend who I'm sad to say, was killed a few years later and  his who's body was found in the trunk of a car.  I rather not even say in what condition it was found, but I have to say this; this friend was doing things that he should not have been, he was involved in many illegal things that I much rather not get into.  The only reason why I am even putting this on my blog, is because my journal is about true life events that have happened and or are currently happening in my life. I do not lie on my journal and if anyone comes across this page and reads this, I need to say that whenever you live life doing things that you know you should not, for the most part, the end result is usually not very positive.  When my friends was killed, I no longer had any interaction with him, we did not hang out together.  However, I still knew people he did, when they told me about his terrible murder and the condition in which they had found his body in the trunk of that car, I was extremely saddened.  Whenever I think of this movie, I think of him also.  May his soul rest in peace!


When him and I watched the movie, I wasn't really paying attention to what was going on because I wasn't interested in it, and because the theatre was so cold I couldn't get into it, but when the end of the movie came, I remember crying and realizing that this story was a true love story.  Later, when it came out on video, I watched it again paid attention to the plot closely and fell in love with it.


My two favorite quotes from this movie are:


"I have crossed ocean's of time to find you" Sometimes, I feel like there is some person out there in the world that is my soul mate but I have not yet met him or we are not supposed to meet in this life time.  I have many many theories about our souls and I sometimes feel as though I have a bit of a sixth sense that I prefer not to explore.  Or maybe, I just have a very creative imagination that I sometimes allow to run away with me.


"Take me away from all this death" This is my second favorite quote.  I like it because in the scene when she says this to Dracula, he is torn confused as to what to do, his pure and true love for her is so deep, he almost can't decide if he can convert her to a vampire or not.


For Halloween, it is definitely an awesome movie to watch.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k7leC4YClr

FUCK MY LIFE!!!!

So I got you to look at my blog didn't I????? YES I DID.... THANK YOU! YOU ROCK!!!!


Oh, did you think this post was about my fucked up life???? WRONG! This post is about something that I bet EVERYONE can relate to in some way.  I am going to try to make it really really short. (I ALWAYS say that)


Today was my music class, and FUCK MY LIFE for two reasons.  The first reason is because I know for a fact that I failed my quiz, the quiz we will get every single week at the beginning of class.  I knew I should of just wrote my name on the paper and gave it in.  At least if I would have done that, I would be admitting that I did not know the answers.  Instead however, I decided to try and answer the questions, and give my professor the impression that I am a complete idiot.  He doesn't know who I am yet, but at some point he will, and I felt really retarded when I looked down at the paper and did not know ONE thing.  It turns out that I studied the wrong material and so I did not know almost ANYTHING! It was horrible.  When I don't study and don't know anything, then I get upset at myself for not studying, but when I do study, but study the wrong thing, that gets me soooo extremely annoyed! I am so embarrassed at the thought that my professor is going to see my answers. 


The second FUCK MY LIFE moment today, was also in class.  This is where you, whomever you are reading this blog post, will probably be able to relate too.  You know when you are trying really really hard to forget someone and NOT think about them, but then, things keep happening and just the opposite of that happens??and whenever that happens you talk to yourself and your like OMG!!! What the fuck!!


Lately I have been trying to forget someone.  I am not trying to forget this person for any bad reasons as he did not do anything to hurt me or upset me or any of that.  Actually, things were pretty ok sort of, except for a few things that well, let's just say it was out of both our control.  It was a situation that although we both liked each other very much, we could not control and so it was best to move forward but apart.  In this specific situation it's more like, DAMN! I HAVE to FORCE myself because even though my heart says yes yes yes and I am almost certain that under different circumstances we would probably be together, we cannot.  THAT JUST PLAIN SUCKS! I finally meet someone that I felt this awesome connection with, so comfortable and almost normal and just really cool and then...... FUCK MY LIFE!


Anyway, I'm sitting in class learning some very awesome things about music and it's history, and then my professor starts talking about COUNTRY MUSIC.  At that moment I was like OMG! What the FUCK!!! That was my second Fuck My Life moment!

I have always liked country music.  I lived in Ocala, Florida for nearly a year and that is ALLLLL my boss listened to, so every now and then I would catch myself singing it.  I will not sit here and write about how much I love Country music, but I definitely appreciate all types of music and Country music isn't half bad.  Today, I learned that Country Music evolved from Ballads or "stories" that were sang without any musical instruments in the background.  It was literally a story sang by people in a way that did not require any actual music.  Later when English, Scottish and Irish Immigrants settled in Virginia, West Virginia, Tennessee and Kentucky and brought with them "fiddle music" it was then when the first type of Country music began.  Basically, adding the fiddle to the ballads started out a whole new genre.  


Country music was later centered in Nashville, Tennessee which is currently considered the "Country music capital of the world." And here I was, all these years thinking Country music originated from Texas.  Learning is so awesome! just imagine, if I ever meet the man of my dreams and he happens to be a cowboy who loves country music, at least I can tell him I know where Country music originated! Do you see why it's so important to study and learn???


This was supposed to be a "short post" so I will leave you with one of the songs we heard in class which I really liked, it's from one of my favorite country music singers Taylor Swift..... 


PS. Country music also became popular because it described poverty amongst white's during the cole mining era's where many men died due to the conditions of the work.  Such amazing history in this country.  Pretty darn awesome if you ask me.


Mean - By: Taylor Swift


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jYa1eI1hpDE

When You're Smiling

Jazzy clears throat! So here I am Saturday, September 17, 2011 and I am reading the material for tomorrow's music class.  And I can't concentrate because I keep thinking about how I have neglected my blog for a few days..... Jazzy Jazzy Jazzy! You must make time for everything that matters to you!!!


So, I was enjoying some beautiful Louis Armstrong Jazz! please note key word in this sentence... JAZZ. JAZZ AND MORE JAZZY! Ok enough bragging about my nick name.  I am listening to this lovely music and realized that I do not have JAZZ MUSIC ON MY BLOG! HOW DARE I!!!


I enjoy music no matter what genre of music it is.  I LOVE MUSIC and can move or shake to anything that is playing no matter WHAT it is.  I MUST, share this lovely music with whomever chooses to be so kind as to visit my blog.


Please enjoy, it is rather romantic... 


Ok, gotta go, have to continue reading for tomorrows quiz.  FML! JUST KIDDING.. KEEP SMILING!




WHEN YOU'RE SMILING - BY LOUIS ARMSTRONG.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fga__y6NulU

A BEACH MOMENT

Typing on an IPAD sucks!


I was thinking today about something that happened to me a few weeks ago, but I am trying not to overly write what is currently happening in my life because my intention for this blog was to write my story telling it from beginning until now, not now and randomly throwing flashback moments which is what I might end up doing. Anyway, I'm going to write the following because I feel it was a memorable moment that I will always cherish and it goes a little something like this.......


I went into the room after going out and getting us something to eat. When I walked in, he was sitting on the bed and he looked at me and asked me if I had gotten him his sandwich, I had, but later found out that I had ordered it wrong and there was something missing in it, he didn't get upset with me, I liked that. My head felt like it was about to explode so I told him I was going to take a nap. He said he wanted to go to the beach, so I told him to go without me, that I would join him later.


After he left I was annoyed that he had not asked me if I needed an advil for my headache, but without giving it much thought, I fell into a deep sleep. I woke up about an hour later, and joined him at the beach.


When I got there, he was inside the water, and it was at that moment that the memorable meaningful part of this little memory happened.  For the first time since I had met him about 3months earlier, I actually stopped and stared at him. Yes, I had looked at him many times, but I did not see him, I just looked, with my eyes, but never allowed my heart to open up and really stare.  Actually, I would always try to avoid eye contact, because I din't want to see and I didn't want him to see.  We give away so much in life with the way we look at people, especially those that mean something.  


But, because he was busy in the water not paying attention to me, I was able to really pay attention to him and watch him, and allow my heart to open up and take in his beauty, but when I say beauty, I do not mean his physical looks although he is very handsome.  What I am referring to, is him, his soul.  In that moment I saw this peace about him that I found fascinating, he was just in the water fighting the waves, I admired how the sun connected with the water and his peaceful demeanor, I admired the way his body had turned reddish from being under the sun so long and how his freckles took different shapes on his back. I stared with my heart, and I smiled, I felt for the very first time in a long time, that I was spending time with someone who I really wanted to.  I felt sincere joy in my heart.


 Finally, he turned around and saw me, and smiled at me, his facial expression showed me that he was happy to be there with me too. We became one with the sun and the ocean and the peace that we were both feeling. He then came out of the water and I had to shake that feeling off, because I didn't want to give my feelings away, I could not allow myself to feel, because I was scared, so I did not look into his eyes, I avoided eye contact.


I acted cool and collective and he began to show me all the sea shells he had collected while I was sleeping.  I could tell that he was so happy about it.  I found that to be the most adorable incredibly sweet thing ever.  Then, I had to leave again because I had an engagement I had to attend, and all of a sudden, I felt really sad, because I was not able to invite him to come with me and I didn't want to go, I didn't want to leave him, all I really wanted to do was stay right there with him, and just watch his peace.


Little by little I am learning that the most meaningful moments in life, are those where we stop and smell the roses. The little pieces of the day that have a true meaning. If I ever told him that whenever I miss him, which is often, it is that encounter that I think of most.  And that I think of him in such a fond way, that it makes my heart ache, he probably wouldn't understand why? and maybe would not believe me either.  Actually, whomever comes across this post won't understand why either.  But I understand and that is what matters to me.  I understand now what he was beginning to mean to me.


Why am I writing at 1:30 in the morning? Well Im going to give my old windows computer that I hate away. I am sending it to people that will probably appreciate it way more then I have.  I have like a million pictures on it that i'm uploading to snapfish, so that I can delete them off the hard drive.  However, I realized that I  don't have a picture of him and I together sharing that moment at the beach that day.  Maybe life will allow our paths to cross again someday, but if it doesn't, at least I have the special memory in my mind and one day I can look back at this journal entry and remember that day fondly.  That was a good day, I'm glad I was able to live it, and tell the story....... 

Dear Journal - 9-14-11

Dear Journal:


As the train rolled out of the station going south instead of north, I held my Psychology book really tight pressed against my chest and I cried with deep sadness.  I was wearing my sunglasses and I knew that even though that train was filled with people, no one would notice the spanish woman that was standing by the door, was crying with deep grief.  


I had made a decision a few months ago, that I had to choose between loving myself or loving someone else.  For the very first time in my entire life, I chose me.  I know that I have to love myself first if I can ever love someone else and so today, as that train went south, and I cried, I knew that I was doing the best thing I had ever done in my life for myself.


I could of sat there in the same place with him for 2 hours and admired his beauty and listened to him tell everyone how he read in a book about xyz, but instead, I chose to go to my Psychology class and learn about that which will one day take me to the place in life that I want to be.  There I sat listening to my college professor instead, talking about statistical data and how it relates to Psychology.  My wonderful professor who I truly admire and who's words inspire me each time I'm there.  Him, my professor looks a bit like Einstein and he is funny and absolutely brilliant! I sat there and at one point realized that "life, is just as it should be" and that if you love someone you have to let them go.  


I know now dear journal, that a few months ago when I was faced with the difficult decision of either going back to that class that I also enjoy and love tremendously, but where I would see someone that does not want anything to do with me, or not go and unfortunately have to miss a wonderful class.  That I made the right choice by taking the train south and sitting in my Psychology class and learning and growing and following my dream.


My heart will always say YES! but there are times in life that you cannot under any circumstances listen to your heart and you have to pay attention to your mind, my mind said NO! 


This too shall pass, ONE DAY! I know it will!


Lifehouse whaever it takes.....  YOU GOTTA LOVE YOURSELF IF YOU CAN EVER LOVE ME....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J0ERtpogPTs

WHAT A "REAL" MAN IS TO ME!

I am nearly done raising a man on my own.  I am proud of my accomplishment, because I think that for the most part, I am doing pretty ok, for being a single mom.  Of course no one is perfect, and he is a teen, so he is still growing as a man and as a person.  The other day, I read this poem to him and told him that to say that you are a "real man" there are certain qualities you should possess.  I told him, that a "real man" should live an honorable life and should do right by others. 


I love the poem below, it is what I think of when I think of a "real man" or "real woman" of course no one will ever be this perfect as we are human and have feelings to deal with.  Sometimes, like today when I feel like people have done me really really wrong, I read it and reflect, and try to live by it.  It helps me in controlling my negative feelings that do not serve any good purpose in my life.

This poem most definitely has to be on my blog. 


**********************************************************************************
IF - By Rudyard Kipling


**********************************************************************************
If
If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or, being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or, being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise;

If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with triumph and disaster
And treat those two imposters just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with wornout tools;

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breath a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on";

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings - nor lose the common touch;
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run -
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man my son!

Dear Journal - 9-11-11

Last night I took this really beautiful picture of lower manhattan or the wall street area of NYC, as I was driving on the Brooklyn/Queens expressway.  I always admire that view and every single time I drive past it, I always remember how once upon a time, the twin towers stood tall behind the small buildings, our city sky line was amazing and it still is.  But last night, they had lights that lit up in the background to remember those we lost on that tragic morning.  I will not write about where I was or what I was doing on that most terrible devastating morning.  


But I have to say this.  Before that horrible morning, I feel like NYer's including myself, where bitter and cold and sometimes just plain nasty individuals, yes, including myself.  I always walked around with an attitude.  But I have to say, that on that day, NY became one city, under God, Indivisible just like our pledge of allegiance.  But, not only did NY become one, but also our nation and just everyone that believes in love.  We were all united by love, the love of our freedom and our country.  After that day, I see NY as such a different place, people are friendlier with each other and foreigners.  I constantly see people helping each other out, even 10 years later I still observe how NY changed for ever.  So it bothers me when people say things like, I wouldn't go there I'm afraid.  Whomever has the opportunity to come to NYC and doesn't, has no idea what they are missing out on.  My home is DA BOMB!  I LOVE NY! 


This morning I woke up feeling a bit down about the whole thing, but I took a shower threw on my sweats and hoody and felt so happy that the weather felt like fall.  I love the crisp smell of fall in the air, I can feel it coming and I simply just love it! Spring and Fall, they keep me happy.  I left to attend my first day of Music History class and got lost on my way to school, not really "lost" per say, but took a wrong turn and then I was confused and got there late.  You would think that by now I would know my way to school, but well, it happens.  Anyway, I made my way into my first Music class of the semester and the first thing my professor says is put your name on a piece of paper and answer the questions on the board! this is your first quiz! I WAS LIKE WTF!!!  Here I was walking in late to the class and I walk in just in time for the Quiz, FML.  The quiz was very simple however, we watced a video on African music and then were asked questions.  After the quiz, the class got really interesting! the professor started talking about my favorite music JAZZ! woooo hooooo!!!!!! 


No JAZZ is not really my favorite "type" of music, but the word most certainly is! JAZZ!!! So, what did I learn about Jazz today you ask????? Well, for starters, JAZZ was sort of controversial.  Jazz is a combination of Ragtime and Blues, Louis Armstrong was the most influential figure of Jazz and what do you know, my first junior HS was named after him! But here is my favorite part about JAZZ.  When JAZZ started to become popular in the 1920's, white's and conservative Black's wanted to ban it! they felt that JAZZ was..... are you ready???? TO DAMN SEXY!!!! WOOOO HOOOOO!!!! Do you see any relation to it and my name????? I JUST LOVE IT! my Professor also told us that many called it the Devils music and that it was too sexual!!! THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT BABY!!! JAZZZZZZ!!!


So there you have it! don't say that you go on JAZZY'S journal, and you don't learn something new!!!


Stay tuned, because there is never a dull moment in my life.  Oh yeah, I have to add that the whole time my professor was putting on different videos of all sorts of different music, I was the ONLY one besides him, in the class bopping my head to the beats, him and I.  I kept thinking, what is wrong with these people??? don't they enjoy this??? I LOVE MUSIC! ALL TYPES PERIOD! I wanted to get up and dance a few times, it was CRAZY! needless to say, I LOVE MY SUNDAY CLASS! I left there feeling really happy! and that is NEVER a bad thing!

Falling To Pieces

Breakeven by: The Script


I have always loved this song since I first heard it.  I listen to it almost daily on my IPhone.  When I first heard it, It made me think of Benjamin (that's not his real name) but it did.  I'm pretty sure that who ever follows my blog is probably sick and tired of hearing about him, but what can I say? for so many years every single song made me think of him, he was the one I loved and was always on my mind.


I'm happy to say however, that this particular song no longer makes me think of Benjamin.  It actually makes me think of someone who sang it along side me in a rental car.  The song came on the radio and we both automatically began to sing it.  At first I was actually shocked that he even liked it.  When we both began to sing it, I briefly thought of Benjamin, but soon, when I saw that he was also singing it at the top of his lungs, I was taken aback and I automatically thought, I wonder who he is thinking about? I wonder who this song reminds him of?  


I must admit that for a brief moment, I felt a bit of jealousy.  I did not ask him who it made him think of because I didn't feel that it was my place to do so, or rather, I didn't know if he would of even told me who it reminded him of.  Then I thought, that maybe he just really liked the song and I didn't want to bother going there, why bring up the past or try to find out things that ultimately wouldn't even matter?  


In learning how to build meaningful relationships, I have learned that the past is just that, the past! and when we are getting to know a person, it kind of doesn't serve any purpose in bringing that up.  But, we all do it and we always fall into that trap of becoming jealous and annoyed at things that probably don't even matter anymore.  At the end of the day, he was sitting there with me, and even if for a brief moment he thought of someone else, what difference did it make? once the song was over the thought was over and we went right back to talking and enjoying our time together, it was about us.  I sincerely believe that he and I were both completely happy in that moment in that car, we were both there together in mind and body, enjoying the view of a beautiful city neither one of us frequented.


Anyway, every time I listen to the song now, I think of him.  I'm really glad that he gave the song a whole new meaning to me, It's not even about the lyrics as much as it is about the moment.  The one that mattered, that one!


The Script - Breakeven

IT'S JUST YOU AND YOUR HAND TONIGHT!!

I'm not here for your entertainment, you don't really want to mess with me tonight, just stop and take a second I was fine before you walked into my life!!!


When I was younger and partied 6 days a week, I used to get so damn annoyed when I would be in a club walking around and guys would constantly pull and tug at my hands and arms.  LEAVE ME ALONE! I especially used to be annoyed back then, because I loved dancing and the main reason for me frequenting night clubs was so that I could dance, or watch people dance.  I am fascinated by the art of dancing.  For a long time, my best friend at the time and I, started going to gay clubs, because there, everyone thought that she was my girlfriend and her an I could have all the fun that we wanted to have without having to bother with stupid men trying to pick us up.  WE LOVED IT! We would dance allll night long! it was awesome!


I am writing this quick post because these thoughts have been on my mind and I feel like I need to put them down on paper (or my blog) immediately because if I don't, they will just hang around me like a little cloud with words above my head.  It's soooo annoying! So as quickly as possible let me say what this post is about.


It isn't that I am trying to justify men in any way shape or form here, please know that I usually don't defend men because to me they are all a bunch of dogs!  Actually, lately I sort of dislike men tremendously, so you know I am most definitely not trying to justify them or defend them in any way with what I am about to write.  


This past week however, in my Psychology class, I learned that the reason why men are constantly having sexual thoughts, it's because unconsciously, they are looking to mate, to reproduce.  Yes, I am aware that many people know this or do they? well, I sort of knew this because I had read about it before.  But I just found it so extremely extraordinary, that I decided that I will no longer be annoyed at the guys that try pulling my arm as I walk past them in a bar, because after all, the fact that they pull my arm, means that they see me as someone that they would like to have a baby with! HOW FREAKING COOL IS THAT!!!! unconsciously, men are looking for the most suitable mate that in their subconscious mind, would procreate a good looking offspring to continue our species.  So ladies, when you get pulled and tugged by the stupid annoying shit face that won't leave you alone, cut him some slack.  In his subconscious mind, he just wants to procreate with you and that means that he thinks your genes and his genes together, would make a beautiful baby!  


Poor stupid men! they have no clue, that at the end of the night, they will end up going home alone! but at least if they have educated themselves on the topic of why they are ALWAYS trying to get laid! they will know that it isn't really their fault.  It is a biological thing that they almost can't control! and if you are getting pulled and tugged, it just means that you are pro-creation material! NOW I'M EXTREMELY FLATTERED! and here I was all these years thinking that they just wanted to get laid! damn me! how dare I be upset with all these fine gentlemen thinking me good enough to have their babies, awwww! Next time this happens, I'm just going to smile politely and say something like, NO I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE YOUR CHILD! I can't wait to see the look on some guys face when I do that! 


Seriously though, I think it to be amazing, how the human mind works and how when you think about these things in a deep way, they make so much sense.  We are built in an amazing way, it's just mind boggling!


I have a theory about women my age that constantly think about sex too.  This I didn't learn, this is just my own theory.  I think that the reason why women my age think about sex so often, is because in my subconscious mind, I know that in a few years I will no longer be able to procreate (please note: I DO NOT WANT SUCH A THING) But maybe, subconsciously, older women that think about sex just as much as men probably do, do so, because biologically they know that they will no longer be useful for procreation.  I don't know, that's just my own little theory, but stay tuned, because I plan on finding that out.  There has to be a logical explanation about my out of control sex drive!


CRAZY! I KNOW!


PS. I'M HOME ON A FRIDAY NIGHT?? WHO AM I AND WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME????


please enjoy one of my favorite songs by PINK.  I LOVE HER! 


U AND YOUR HAND!


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eS7KN4c8-2s

Dear Journal – Sept. 7 - 2011

I remember when I would write you dear journal and send you to him, he was what I liked to call the reader of my life, except in reality, I do not know if he ever read anything I sent him.  This morning, I had a mini episode, I like to call it mini, because I can now for the most part control my emotions a bit more when it comes to him, yet I still cry and this leads me to believe, that my love for him is still in there, deep in my heart and in my soul. 

I shouldn’t look at his FB page at his tweets or at his blog.  It is difficult though, it’s right there, public for the world to see.  I made my page public for him and I am almost certain, that he did the same for me.   It has been 2 years now since we both did this, and the only way that I will ever close my world to him, will be the day that someone comes into my life and takes my heart away from him forever.  That has not happened yet, and I honestly don’t anticipate it happening any time soon.  In order to find love, you have to date, in order to date you have to have time, I have none.  So, for now, it looks like I’m on my own with this one, meaning, I need to continue to strive to forget and continue to move on from him and this difficult episode in my life without using someone to help me move on.  I didn't give anyone a chance for a really long time, because I don't believe that re-bound loves are good.  I didn't want to be with anyone, loving someone else, it would not be fair to someone for me to do that. 

I don't think that I am in love with him as I once was, so it isn't as difficult to give someone a chance.  However, the people that come into my life are not suitable or are not looking for the same things that I am, therefore, I just do what I do and let life be and enjoy the things that make me happy.  I like that although this episode of my life was so difficult, it was extremely important.  I learned so much about myself, that it is very scary.  When I visit his pages, for the most part, It doesn’t really affect me as it once did.  I believe that he is done playing the game with me, and this makes me really happy.  We no longer play games.  I think that he needed to move on from me as well, I too, partook in the game, it was long and hard and we both lost. 

I cannot write too much about what game I am referring to, but one day, when I am done with my studies, I will write a book where I can explain in a deeper way what I mean.  For now, I am learning to understand what was this that happened, and why my love for him so true.  He wrote something this morning that made me cry, the reason why I cried, was because it was something that excited him and when I read it, I kept thinking, God! The things that excite him, excite me as well, we are so similar, yet not really.  We have so much in common yet not really.  Two people from two worlds it would seem, yet not really.  Sometimes I feel like he is my other half.  It is almost as though for many years he read my thoughts almost.  Sometimes, I could almost feel him.  What if I was never in love with him? what if all this time I was just in love with the idea of him? He told me that once, when I told him about my ex we had a conversation about it and he said to me, Jazzy, you are not in love with him, you are in love with the idea of him.  Maybe all this time I have been in love with the idea of him, and I fabricated him into the man that I want him to be, the man that I want.

Yes, I am rambling on and on today, because this morning, when I saw what he wrote, I broke down in tears, I could not control what I felt, it was this deep sad feeling in my heart and I kept thinking to myself, OH GOD! When will this feeling leave my heart forever.  As I write this my eyes are becoming watery.  Next month it will be four years that I met him, four years ago, he changed my life forever.  He made me want to be better and I will forever be grateful to him.  He was my Angel, yet no one ever hurt me as much as him, how could this be?

Dear Journal

OMG! really???? I can't believe what happened this weekend, and I keep wanting to write to you but I have been so busy I haven't had an opportunity.  I just finished reading a chapter in my geology book that I had to read and had not had a chance.  I need to start focusing, but there was a lot going on this weekend and I did not have a chance.


I so badly want to write what is going on, but I don't have time nor energy.  I love you journal, I am obsessed with writing you, you, that is you whoever reads this.  I cannot believe how many people visit my blog daily, I am humbled by the fact that people take time out to read what I have to say.  WOW! that's so awesome and now I just feel like I have to share my life with you, you, whomever you are that likes to learn, or wonders, or is nosy, or is bored, or thinks that they can relate to whatever it is that I put on these pages.  That is why I write, I write for you to read, like the song writer writes for you to sing, or the artist for you to feel something or the script writer and movie maker for you to watch.  I write because I want to share my experiences with the world and hope that something I say, anything, will help someone understand that YOU ARE NOT CRAZY! BUT I AM!


Anyway, I am hoping that tomorrow I will wake up early and go for a morning run, I miss my jogs, they keep me sane.  I have gained weight and have been slacking with so many things, I feel messy and confused and fat.  I don't like this sloppy me, so I must do something to change this at once! I was doing really well and then summer came and I just lost it.  I have so much to share with you dear journal, but I really really need some sleep.


I hope to get to you again soon, I have so many ideas for you.  I keep thinking about all these different ways in which I can turn you into something that will one day, be beneficial for readers.  This isn't just about my life, this is about what I am learning as I grow older and hopefully wiser.  There is a reason for everything, I believe that there is a reason for me starting you.


Good night sweet journal........kiss kiss, hug hug!