Dear journal -
I published a post a few weeks ago that I cannot find nor do I remember what it was about, but I went on my blog stats and noticed that someone had looked at an old post from 2012 and it made me think of Benjamin. Sometimes when I think of him my heart still feels heavy and it reminds me that the pain I felt all those years ago went away eventually and that I conquered it. I cried to a friend the other night telling him that Benjamin defeated me, that the love he never gave me defeated me and ran me out of NYC, I had nothing left to give the city that never sleeps and I could not continue to live in the city where he was as well. I can say this now without reservation because I'm no longer living that horrible pain that the man I never kissed caused me, but back then, it was so real. I remember that as my son and I drove out of the city on our way to Colorado, I said farewell my love in my thoughts to someone that at that time I had not seen in years, and now when I think back at that moment I wonder, was I calling him my love or NYC my love?
While there are times that I deeply regret leaving the concrete jungle, there are definitely others where I think, but had I not made my way out of there, what would of been of me? of my life? of my hurt? Since then so much has happened, I have grown so much, I almost feel like a whole new woman. I had not experienced that much pain since those days of old, not until recently with all that has occurred in my love life, yet remembering that pain that I felt then, this pain is nothing, because that pain literally ran me out of town, that pain was constant and deep and when I got to Colorado, all that pain seems to have disappeared and all of a sudden I thought that I could love again and I did! and although that love did not last, it did teach me valuable lessons that I will hold dear until my last breath.
Just now I read a post I wrote on Oct. of 2012 and reading it reminded me that I learned something valuable from that love as well, the inspiration that love gave me was like nothing I had ever experienced in my life before and as I read the post I cried with the deepest of hurt and it felt like I was back there in that moment and all that love that I felt for Benjamin was full in my heart all over again and then I wondered, will anyone ever again in this life time touch me in the way that he did, will I ever meet someone ever again in my life and feel the "magic" that I did the day I first laid eyes on him? will I ever again fall in love with someone without even sharing a kiss? The kiss that never came and probably never will.
He is a married man now, has been married for some time and I only know this because of his Facebook. I don't look at his FB anymore, I'm not even on FB, but a few months back I did and his wife actually commented on one of his posts and I felt nothing, well maybe I felt..... weird? I wonder if that woman knows that I existed, because really I was his little secret, or his greatest secret. I have no desire to talk to him or see him or any of that, but what if one day we ran into each other on a NYC street the way we did that one time when we were both starting to attend the School of Practical Philosophy? that day that we knew we would see each other, but not in the way that it happened?
I really liked that post from 2012, I want to write that way again, I want to feel inspired that way again. In my last relationship I had no inspiration, no desire, it was as if this person that I was with had turned off the candle in my soul, sucked away who I was, I'm starting to be me again and it feels wonderful! I love to come to this my little piece of me and read those posts that remind me of who I really am. It's funny how one human can inspire you like no other, and another can turn your inner light off. And while I'm still hurting from this most recent break up, I'm slowly recovering and reminding myself that I am still me and that the light is within me and that I just need to light it back up! And so I shall journal! so I shall!
I leave you with the link to that post on Oct. 22, 2012
https://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2012/10/his-response-to-my-email.html
