Monday, January 31, 2011

Mommy Doesn't Pick Favorites.

My cousin pointed out to me the other day, that it was obvious that my middle child was my favorite from my three children.  When he told me that, my mouth literally dropped, I could not believe someone had made such an observation about me and not only did it surprise me that this observation was made, but also that the selection he would make would be my middle child.

Being a parent is really challenging.  Each and every day, we are faced with difficult situations to deal with, most of the time, I have absolutely no idea what the hell I'm doing, but I use the very basic principles to try and make sure that I am doing my very best.

The first thing I teach my children is to love all people and treat everyone the way they would want to be treated.  The second thing I teach them is that we should always try our very best at all the things we are doing, no matter how easy or difficult it may seem.  And lastly, I tell them that life isn't fair, but it's up to each one of us to take responsibility for our actions.  In addition, I don't tolerate lies at home, and I allow them to express themselves freely around me.  And lastly, I have never sheltered them from the real world (meaning they are allowed to ask questions about drugs, sex, girl, whatever), because I much rather them ask me a question, then ask someone on the street and that the answer they may get from someone other then myself, is not given to them with their 
best interest at heart.  An outsiders values, may not be the same as mine, and my childrens best interest is not as important to a stranger, as it is to me.

When I think of my children, I don't think of them as my three kids, but rather, I think about them as three unique individuals that have very different qualities that I have to respect and admire.  They are at very 
different stages in their lives, and each one has been different from the other.  I treat them according to their current needs, I don't pick favorites because my love for them is equal and pure.  They are the single most important thing to me, I carried each one of them inside of me for 9 months, I had them all by natural birth.  Each one hurt just as bad, and there is no way in this world, that I could choose one from the other.

After my initial shock that my cousin was making this observation, and feeling a bit annoyed by it, I asked him what he was basing his conclusion on, he told me that the picture on my phone was of him, and that he noticed how the first thing I always did when I got home, was make sure he ate etc.  

To this I had a very simple explanation.  


I base my actions on the fact that he is the one that needs me most for those basic needs, my 16 yr old is grown enough to serve himself and take care of his need to eat, my 11 year old won't think of food as much because he's busy with being a little kid, playing games, watching tv etc.  and my little girl has a sitter that takes care of those basic needs for her.  So logically, when I walk in to my home, my first thought is, did the little boy sitting in front of that tv have dinner already?

When it comes to my middle child, I have actually always felt like he gets the least of my attention and therefore I feel the need to try to do extra things to make up for that.  It's not that I don't want to give him attention at all times, it's just that he is around me least because he is a little kid who only cares about video games and television, so I have to sometimes grab him and ask him to spend time with me, I often miss him, because he prefers to do other things then be with his mom.

My oldest on the other hand is always talking to me, our relationship is unique and very special.  I am his mother, but also his friend.  My little girl needs me all the time, her basic needs requires my constant attention.

Still, this observation left me feeling that maybe I am not doing the best that I can as a parent, and that maybe I am missing something that I need to identify and that maybe I need to find a way to be with them all more.  I feel like I am constantly being pulled in three different directions, and I have to admit, sometimes it gets really overwhelming and stressful.  But for the most part, I try to do the best I can because that is all that I can do.  We teach our children things every day, but in my opinion, I learn a lot from them as well, I learn how to be a parent every single day.

Anyway, like I said, what the hell do I know about being a mom? It's one of the toughest things I have ever done in my whole life.  I just hope I'm doing ok with it.  And I hope that my kids know, that mommy doesn't pick favorites and that I love them all equally and to death!

Sunday, January 30, 2011

SEX? with no strings attached?? ANYBODY? ANYONE???

Last night, I saw the movie No Strings Attached.  I thought it was a great movie! The reason why I was very excited to see it, was because I saw the review of it and when I saw the review I immediately thought “holy shit! they made a movie about me” then, once the movie was over, I really thought it was about me.

I have thought about writing this post over and over again, I keep asking myself, is putting this out there going to one day come back and bite me in the ass? I keep hesitating that what I’m about to talk about, may make me look slutty and easy and therefore I will be judged.  When I think about that however, I actually don’t care about the masses judging me, I only think about one thing “what if he reads it” by he, I mean my new crush.  


Lately, I have written about him quite often because in my mind this man is simply an amazing person.  So, when I think about what I will write and then I think “what if he reads it” I keep hesitating because I don’t know if I may have a chance with him.  Yet when I consider it further I think well, he doesn’t even know I like him, he doesn’t even  know the URL to my blog, so therefore I’m safe right? Then I think about this even further and say “he who will love me, will accept me just as I am” and then I think of a quote I saw once that said "take me as I am, or watch me as I go" so, if he does read this and judges me based on it, I don’t want him anyway!

No strings.  For the last 2 and a half years of my life, I have been in love with the same man, this man who was a friend and misled me and I fell for him.  Unfortunately for me, I cannot control who my heart chooses to love.  Him and I never had a romantic relationship, but he was my best friend for a long time.  After he stopped talking to me, and I set out on the journey to “forget him” I started trying every single strategy known to the human race to move on.  


I have been on a serious mission to forget this man and therefore I started going on dating sites, bars, where ever I could, meeting every Tom, Dick and Harry simply trying to like someone else just to get over this one person, but nothing, nothing worked because he is “the one” the one for this time period of my life (I don’t really believe in the theory “the one” forever, I think there are lot's of "the one").  

I am very selective as to who I sleep with, I don’t believe in sleeping around because to me, my body is my precious temple, the most beautiful thing I own, my body will be with me until the day I die and therefore, I need to care for it as if it’s the most wonderful thing that exists in this world, I have to treat it with love and respect.  My temple can not be caressed, touched or felt by just anyone.  Being that I couldn't find anyone that I really liked or felt I wanted to be with (no one else in this world would do but him "the one I loved") I decided that I wanted to get myself a “friends with benefits” instead, and I cannot even begin to tell you all the drama that finding such a thing has caused me.

In the movie no strings attached, this is the same type of situation, except she was getting laid on a regular basis (and falls in love at the end, of course).  Me on the other hand, well, let’s just say I will soon be a virgin again.  But the movie is basically a woman who doesn’t want to fall in love and just wants to have sex (OMG just like me) What the hell is wrong with that??? am I asking for something horrible?  I am a woman in my sexual prime, what the hell else can I want??? but again, I am very selective and that is the tricky part. 

I have only met a selective few men that I was really excited about, because I thought, this person qualifies for my “friends with benefits ideal situation” but some way, some how, men start to act really weird.  I am POSITIVE now, that men do not like to feel like if they are the woman in the situation and that the moment they feel they have no control, and they are not required to “CHASE” they loose interest. 
How crazy is that??? I have literally told people, listen what you do when you aren’t with me I don’t care, I have said all but, hey XYZ, YOU CAN HAVE YOUR CAKE AND EAT IT TOO! and nothing, they bug out on me.  


I guess ultimately it comes down to the fact that no one wants to get used.  However, I am not trying to use anyone, I want to be the person’s friend, I just don’t want to be the persons everything else.  Here I am proposing sex with NO STRINGS and they don’t want it! so is it me? am I not attractive enough to have just a friend with benefits? how the hell in the world did trying to have a friend with benefits become more difficult then to find myself a boyfriend? WTF! 

I have also come to the conclusion that men only say they want a women they can have sex with whenever their heart desires just to sound like “the man” because in my experience with my almost “project” in the last few years, is that men bug out really hard when they think you are using them for sex WTF! TRUE STORY. 

What is wrong with me not wanting to have breakfast, go to the movies, I don’t want to spend quality time, I don’t want to talk on the phone, I don’t want you to buy me anything I just wanted sex, and I have still not been able to find that.  How crazy is that??? I GIVE UP!

I was able to see my love again the other day (my love the guy I am in love with) that day, was my closure day.  After seeing him and realizing that I still loved him and further confirming that all this time I have wanted a “friends with benefits” because I know who I love and refuse to give someone a chance.  I have decided that I am just going to give up on everything all together and just find another way to fulfill my womanly human sexual desires.  Because finding a “friends with benefits” is just way to dramatic and tiring and time consuming.

I am completely convinced that men are full of shit.  They say they want a woman that will give them sex whenever they want, but in reality, what they want is to CHASE and be in control.  The moment they no longer need to CHASE they loose interest to the point they don’t want to have sex.  WTF!
It’s a game, and I don’t have time for that.  I guess I will become a virgin again soon cause men just don’t want “NO STRINGS ATTACHED”  and I don’t care what ANYBODY SAYS! BUT I PROVED IT!


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vl1Ysw8XWpA

Thursday, January 27, 2011

My Road to the Race part Deux

For a very long time, one of my dreams has been to run in a marathon, or be part of some sort of jogging/running event.  I blogged about this in more detail a few weeks ago.  http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2011/01/my-road-to-race.html I don't like to make new years resolutions because I usually never stick to them.  So this year, I had decided, that instead of calling my "resolutions" a "resolution" I was going to call it an objective, therefore I would be tricking my mind into NOT breaking my resolution.

I of course refuse to be like the masses, so instead of starting my "objectives" right on January 1st.  I had decided that these life changing "objectives" would require careful thought and planning.  I once started a resolution in June, yes June.

Two weeks ago, the trainer at my gym gave me my 16 week training plan for my very first race ever!  When I looked at it, I felt that it wasn't going to be that hard, after all, I have been jogging off and on for the last almost 3yrs, so I'm good right? WRONG!

I usually jog on a treadmill and when you do that, there are certain speeds you can run at, well, little did I know, that this man (my trainer) was going to make me run really really fast! Last week, I was supposed to run at a pace of 5.8miles per hour, and I was supposed to do this for 3miles.  Well, since I have always jogged at 4.7 miles per hour, this was really difficult.   I told someone at work today, that I realized that all this time I was merely skipping, because after having to run at 5.8 miles per hour, going back to the speed I was previously jogging at felt slow.  I was unable to run the whole 3 miles at 5.8 so after like 2.5 miles and looking at the trainer like I was about to croak, he told me to slow back down to my normal pace.... Thank God! I loved him for this.

Today I finished week 2 of my training, and my body feels like the time when I got jumped by like 4 or more girls at a train station once when I was like 19 (I couldn't tell you an exact number of girls because well, I was too busy catching a beat down) but that's how my body feels. Like I have been punched, kicked, thrown around and pulled in all directions, even my checks feel weird, and I'm not talking about my face!

This week I also took the next step in this process.  I asked the trainer to weigh me and tell me my body fat.  I am 15 pounds over weight and he said that my body fat was about 8 points higher in body fat, for my age.  He said that if I bring my weight down, it will definitely help me run faster.   I have to admit I have been in serious denial about my weight.  The reason I don't usually weigh myself, is because I always go by what my cloths feels like, If it gets tight, I started watching what I eat.  Also, a long time ago when I was at my ideal weight, I felt that I didn't look right.  Someone even compared me to a cartoon character named
skeletor from HE MAN (pretty mean right?) but I agreed with the person, I don't want to look un healthy.



Now I am slowly also working on my diet.  I feel that when we start to cut stuff off right away and think "diet" we tend to crave things more, so instead of going all crazy and giving up on stuff cold turkey, I am lowering the sugar intake to start with and trying to eat less beef (I love steak) this is really hard since eating is my favorite thing in the world, but I have to do all of this so that I can do well and my knees won't get affected by my weight and the running.

I have to admit though that today, had it not been for my wonderful friend Trevor who I love and admire (he has done triathlons) and is AWESOME! had he not coincidentally walked into the gym while I was there, I seriously don't think my body would of been able to take the 3 miles (I ran 2 at 5.8 and 1 at 5.0)  When I saw him I was so happy because I knew that he would say the right thing to motivate me.  While we were both running, every time I would look to my right and saw him running way faster and making It look so easy, I felt like I had to make him proud! Trevor, was also the person who helped me make the decision to take on this race.  I kept looking at him as he looked so calm and collective just running along at (7.5 miles per minute!) as if nothing was happening and I kept thinking OMG! I CAN DO THIS! when I was done, I looked like I was about to collapse, but he gave me a high five as he continued to almost glide on that treadmill and that made me feel better.  As I walked away and he told me he had ran 4 miles and was still going at it, I told him I hated him and we both laughed.



All in all, I think I am doing pretty well.  But I am extremely exhausted.  My motivation is my excitement that I am doing something good for my health, that I will fulfill my dream, that I have great friends that support me, that this is something that makes me feel happy.


So, find your motivation, look for those friends that support your "resolutions" "objectives" think of how great you will feel when you accomplish your goal and whatever you do, DON'T GIVE UP!  Cause if I can do it, SO CAN YOU.  


I will leave  you with my motivational song :)


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ioE_O7Lm0I4 

Sia - Breathe Me (Lyrics)

Kate nash - Nicest Thing Lyrics

Saturday, January 22, 2011

My Wandering Thoughts

We stood there discussing the fact that he would not like to go with me to my class, and then he suggested that we think of a different "activity" we could do.  I am not quite sure if he was just being polite by this comment he was making or if he was just suggesting it to add something to the conversation, or if he really did want to find another activity that we could do together (fingers crossed) but, no matter what his reasoning for saying that was, my mind immediately took off and as the words "we can all go have drinks sometime" were coming out of my mouth, the following thoughts were going on in my mind.

Before I tell you my thoughts, I wish to let you know, that I want to create my blog as a PG 13 blog, so I will not divulge in detail the first image that came into my mind when I heard the word ("activity") but I will say this, the image was definitely NOT PG13 in nature, and it involved a hell of a lot of kissing, touching and sweating! I hope I didn't blush in front of him while I was having this initial thought, but I do remember feeling really nervous and being extremely careful as to not show how excited I was that he was suggesting something like this.  



I usually try my very hardest not to over analyze what men mean with what they are saying to me, especially when they aren't being exactly clear or specific as to what they want from me (and I am talking about men I am interested in).  I try not to analyze it, because everyone is different and I don't like to jump to conclusions.  It has been my experience thus far, that people like to play these silly games and therefore we all go around playing them, because for the most part, we are all just afraid to be honest with our thoughts and feelings.  We constantly keep things inside.  So, I never analyze anything anymore, I just listen to what they say to me and take it for what it is. In reality, if someone really wants to hang out with me, they will ask me to.  Although I do have to say that there are certain circumstances that are a bit tricky. 


Now back to my racing thoughts.  So after that initial rated R thought subsided, my imagination continued to run wild...I imagined us on a flight to a tropical get away, both of us in comfortable cloths looking forward to some sun and warm weather.  I did not imagine any one specific island; but we were definitely in a tropical island with lots of palm trees and beautiful beaches, I imagined him and I laughing and having drinks, us both feeling a sense of peace and pure joy.

A second later, I was with him at a ski resort, bundled up in warm coats and scarfs and gloves.  Him laughing at the fact that I didn't know how to ski and me concurring.  Us having warm drinks and cuddling up close to a warm burning fire.  just lovely!

All this went crossing my thoughts in a matter of seconds, and I smiled with delight.  I don't know if I will ever actual be able to tell him what my ideas where that day.  I felt the need to put it on my journal and share it with the world, because those wonderful thoughts were just to good to keep to myself, they brought a smile to my face and joy to my heart.  He is so awesome, I wonder if he knows how much so.  I bet he doesn't.


Imagination in my opinion, is one of the most amazing gifts we have as humans.  When I was younger I would think that these types of thoughts were silly and stupid dreams.  And that day, after I thought about it and couldn't believe that I would actually enjoy these types of activities with him (these thoughts don't go on in my mind for just any person) I decided that there was nothing wrong with letting my imagination run wild and that moving forward, I intend to fully experience in my mind any such thoughts and not feel bad about it, or think it's crazy or a dream.  What's wrong with having thoughts that bring smiles to my lips and joy to my heart?  


When I think of all the fictional books I read, movies I watch, music I listen to, I realize that those things are a product of someones imagination coming alive.  Therefore, why should I feel guilty or not embrace my thoughts and be happy that I can have them.  This means that I am alive! there's no thought in my opinion (as long as its not an evil thought or thought of hurting someone) not good enough to embrace accept and be happy that I can atleast have it!


So, I don't know if he ever has or will ever read this, but this blog post is yet another one about you, my crush, the guy who makes my imagination run wild with many PG13 and lots of rated R thoughts!  

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Plato’s Allegory of the cave

I took a Philosophy class last year in college.  During that semester not only did I develop  a crush on my professor (who was a woman) but I also fell in love with Plato.  Now, I am not sexually attracted to women at all, what I am attracted to is a women’s brain; when a woman can enlighten me with her wisdom, whether it be because she is extremely educated or because she can enlighten me with her life’s trials a tribulations, then I want to be around her and learn from her.  

That is how I felt about my Professor.  She was so extremely passionate about Philosophy and she explained everything so well, that whatever this woman said just made complete sense to me.  Many in my class were wowed by how well she explained things.  Philosophy is an extremely indepth subject, that only few are able to really brake down in a way that people can really understand it.  Sohia was awesome!



But besides having a girl crush over the delightful Sophia and her magnificent brain, I also fell in love with Philosophy, which last night I learned that Philosophy comes from the Greek and it means Philo=Love and Sophy=Wisdom.  This blew my mind, Sophy is short for Sophia. 

I read in a book once that throughout life there are signs everywhere, "signs" or things that happen to us that we think "what?!" these things happen to us to help guide us in the right path, however, most often then not, we are not paying attention to these signs and therefore we don’t identify them.  Imagine if we began to pay attention to these "signs" how much better we could live our lives.  Basically, paying attention to these "signs" will lead us to do what’s best for us. 

Think about it, has there ever been a time in your life that something happened to you and all of a sudden in your mind your like “that was a sign?” that was a sign that I should or shouldn’t have done xyz?  Well that’s because we have that almost sixth sense or gut feeling which sort of tells us or makes us feel that we should or shouldn’t do something.  It's not even our heart that is telling us this, it's more like our own being, our soul.

One of the stories that most stuck with me after ending my College Philosophy class was the story of Plato’s Allegory of the cave.  Which my professor summed up something like this..........Excuse me as I try to be even one percent as accurate as my Proffessor was, but this is deep.

Plato says that there were these people that since birth were tied up in a dark cave.  These people could only see shadow’s on a wall, the shadows on the wall were reflected by a fire that was always lit.  These shadow’s looked like human siloutte’s, however, they were not real people, what they really were, were puppet like images being moved back and forth past the light, but to the people that were tied up, these forms or people like shadows were the only reality they knew.  

One day, one of the people that were tied up, were let loose and sent to go outside of the cave, at first, the prisoner was afraid to go outside and leave their reality, however, after it went out and saw all the beautiful things like flowers, cats and the sun, this person did not want to go back to it’s “old reality” The person did however, want to go back and share their experience with the others who were still tied up, because what the person had experience was so completely wonderful, they felt they must share it with the rest. 

When this person went back to the cave to tell everyone else what it had seen, no one believed him, because to them, the reality was what they had seen all their lives in the cave.  

Ok, so my explanation is probably way off, of how Sophia explained it, her explanation was way better! and I'm definitely way off of how Plato told it (Plato oh how I love thee).  But the story stuck with me, because after her explanation the whole class including my professor laughed about the fact that in Plato’s mind, we are all stuck in a cave and that we won't experience "true reality" because we are often afraid to let go of what our "reality" is in our lives. 

After laughing about it, I kept thinking and thinking about what a magnificent man Plato was and I believed what he had to say.  However, in my mind as I was hearing and visualizing the story I had my own interpretation of the point Plato was trying to make.  

So, here is Jazzy's interpretation of Plato's Allegory of the Cave....... 

We sometimes go through our lives blinded by things that appear to be real to us, or what is taught to us by our parents and teachers.  We see things the way we want to see them because that is what makes us comfortable.  Then, something happens to us, that takes us out of our comfort zone and all of a sudden we are confused and scared and don’t know what to do because we are afraid to take chances or try new things (most of the time).  

Then, we will ask people "who have already left the cave" or lived that certain experience, for advice, and we get all different sorts of opinions, and we will think or say “yes that makes so much sense” yet we will continue to do what we shouldn’t or stay stuck in the same situation because we are so accustomed to our "old ways" "our cave" "our comfort zone" that we are afraid to try or are afraid to change.  

But basically, what the person who has already “left the cave” or experienced "their own reality" meaning they might have lived through a similar situation then our own and already had experiences in life where they felt maybe the same way you are or something like that, what this person is telling us, although it might sound good, or the advice may sound like "wow you are absolutely right" that advice to us is not "our own reality" therefore we ultimately dismiss it and do not allow that person to "enlighten us with their wisdom."   And so we dismiss their "advice" and then ultimately, end up making all sorts of mistakes because, until we don’t live through the whole process of that specific situation for ourselves, we won’t “see the light” and accept that, that is our "own true reality."  

That is my weird interpretation of the Allegory of the cave.  I love to write, but that doesn’t mean that I am putting my thoughts forth the way they are going on in my mind, but I hope I am making a valid point or at the very least making sense.  

Last night, I went to the Practical School of Philosophy to start a 10 week course.  If you live in NYC, you might of seen the signs on the train that read “This poster can make you happier than any other on the subway”  I have been wanting to go to that class since the first time I ever saw the word PHILOSOPHY on the advertising.  And last night after going there and listening to the teacher and listening to what people were saying, I kept thinking about Plato’s Allegory of the cave and how the people there including myself, were looking to get out of the cave and find true wisdom or guidance to change something within ourselves and find inner happiness or find what to each of us in that class is “reality” find out what should I do? why, and to try to make sense of certain situations in life.  

My co-workers joked about the fact that went, they told me that soon a spaceship would come and pick me up to take me away.  I don't live by the rules and I don't care what people's opinions about my choices are, because this is my life, my movie and I will live it my way. 

I was really happy that I went, because I am sure that if nothing else, I will come out of there that much wiser by listening to other people’s experiences and learning from others.  Who know’s maybe one day, I can even give someone advice about something that I have lived through or that I have learned and it may help that one person to come out of "their cave” or what they are used to, and find their own reality.  Or maybe going there was a sign, that I am ready to get out of my "own cave” or comfort zone and find my “true reality” we shall see.  

I strongly believe, that when it comes to things we live through and challenges we are faced with, it is not our age that determines the choices that we make.  I believe that wisdom has no age, although as we get older we most certainly learn more and more, still, that does not mean that you can't be young and still have "wisdom" I personally have learned very powerful lessons from people much younger than I am.  All people have that six sense, we all have a soul that if we listen to it, it will guide us in the right path.  In the path of life, all we need is love.  Love will help you through it all, love of self and love of others. 

You can google "Allegory of the Cave" and read the real story :)

Friday, January 14, 2011

Stop! making the same mistakes over and over again.

I am currently reading, No Ordinary Moments by Dan Millman.  What a powerful book, I highly recommend it.  It is taking me long to read it because I constantly have to stop and absorb all the great things this man has to say.  Here is a piece that I keep thinking about, because it makes so much sense.


Autobiography in Five Short Chapters

Chapter I: I walk down the street.  There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.  I fall in. I am lost..... I am helpless.  It isn’t my fault.  It takes forever to find a way out.

Chapter II: I walk down the same street.  There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.  I pretend I don’t see it.  I fall in again.  I can’t believe I am in this same place.  But it isn’t my fault.  It still takes a long time to get out.

Chapter III: I walk down the same street.  There is a deep whole in the sidewalk.  I see it is there.  I still fall in...it’s a habit.... but, my eyes are open.  I know where I am.  It is my fault.  I get out immediately.

Chapter IV: I walk down the same street.  There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.  I walk around it.

Chapter V: I walk down another street.



I copied this from: No Ordinary Moments by Dan Millman, but It’s originally from There’s a whole in my sidewalk by Portia Nelson.

My final thought is:

Life is so extremely beautiful and amazing, stop and smell the roses, give yourself the opportunity to change and be happy.  Live Life Right! live it good, be kind and generous, love all people.  We all have the power to learn from our mistakes and make things better for ourselves. Change begins within!

Thursday, January 13, 2011

Head Over Heels / Broken [Lyrics] - Tears for Fears




This is how I felt, after I spoke to you :(

My Road to the RACE!

The very first time I ever jogged, I was about 12yrs. old, I remember it like it was yesterday.  I ran with my uncle Gilmer, whom I have tremendous love and admiration for.  One day he said to me, come on I’m taking you jogging, and off we went.  We went around Prospect Park in Brooklyn and that day, I thought I was going to DIE! That was probably one of the worst days of my childhood life!  Through out the whole run, he kept saying to me, come on don't stop you can do it!  I literally was feeling like I was going to collapse, but he pushed me the whole way and I made it back home.  After that day, I NEVER WANTED TO RUN AGAIN! 


Fast forward to my early 30’s and all of a sudden, I wanted to just grab some sneakers and start running.  In the last maybe 8yrs or so, I have jogged off an on, nothing to intense but I have definitely done some jogging and for the last about 2 and a half years, I have been really trying to be consistent, at least in the Spring and Summer.  I don't usually loose much weight though, because I double up on goodies since "i'm running" but I run, because I really love it.  I have done other things like aerobics and biking, but nothing fulfills me more then running.  I think it has something to do with being free.  When I run, I feel free, it's just me and the road ahead, I forget my problems, my surroundings my life.
I have a few friends that are very passionate about running, they are no joke.  They run marathon’s around the country, they live, eat and breath running I really admire and respect these guys.  The human body amazes me, the things we can do when we put our minds to it is really astounding, I cannot get enough of the human race and how extraordinary we can be.  I always admire people that have a passion for something, because I am not really passionate about any one thing, I like so many different things I cannot pin point where my passion lies, however, one thing I do know is, that I love to dance and I love to run.
This New Year’s eve, instead of going out and partying like a rock star (as per usual) I stayed home and rested and thought about what I wanted to do in 2011, I fell asleep thinking about it (I was knocked out by 12:15) but I took time out to think about my New Year’s resolutions and see how I could make them happen.   The problem is, I don’t really believe in resolutions and have never really stuck to any of them in the past.  For example, I said I was going to stop drinking diet coke with my lunch and on New Year’s day, I went to a restaurant and the first thing I ordered was “diet coke with lime please” followed by a smile to the very nice waitress who smiled back in approval, when she smiled back I no longer felt guilty about ruining my "new year's resolution."  I suck at keeping resolutions.
So, this year in order to make things happen for me, I am not thinking about my resolutions as resolutions, but rather, I am thinking of them as "life objectives" when I talk to people and they tell me what their resolutions are, I always notice that the things they want are usually things that are long term, like quitting smoking, loosing weight, getting a better job and so forth.


One of my dreams, for a really long time was to be part of a marathon or some sort of running event where I am not just watching, but actually taking part in.  I have imagined myself with a number on my tee shirt.  This year, one of my "life objectives" is to run my very first race.  You have NO IDEA how scared I am! I am so scared in fact, that it took me two weeks to really take the first step toward that objective.  I asked one of my good friends who runs, what he thought about it, and he said something that really made me think, he said "Jazz, you have to be ready for that life style" so I thought about my current life style and thought about what if anything, I would need to give up to fulfill this dream.  But then I kept hesitating and kept going back to that scary feeling.  And then I would imagine my tee with the number on it and how that must feel and I thought about how I feel when I run, that feeling of freedom and accomplishment at the end of every run even if it's only a 30 min run.    


I also thought about the days 4 or 5 years ago, when I would go Lucille Roberts to "work out" and I would go there, go on a bike or on a treadmill with my book and "exercise" for 30 min (key word here is book) how can I really be doing much if I'm reading? I never even broke a sweat.   Every single time I was on the treadmill, this pretty blonde girl would get on the treadmill next to mine, and run her ass off, I would look at her and feel jealous (that ever happen to you at the gym?).  I would look at her and think, damn I want to be her.  Then I finally thought, Jazz "get busy living or get busy dying" (Shawshank Redemption) I know, I know, that's a bit dramatic, but hey, I love me a good movie quote.


Today, the trainer at my gym, gave me my 16 week training plan to run my very first race EVER.  I will say it again, I AM SOOOO EXTREMELY SCARED! what if I start running and fall flat on my face? what if I start running and I come in last? what if I start running and I start to cry like a girl? what if I start running and don't look good doing it?  I have thought of a million reasons why I might suck at doing it, but I HAVE TO TRY! because we all have the power within us to stick to the things we want to do. 


I am writing this on my journal for two reasons, one, to tell who ever stumbles upon this post that YOU CAN do what you set out to do if you really want to, and two, because even if one person reads this post, I feel like I have to go all the way so as not let you down.  So please take my hand, help me get to that race.  I will be training thinking about this particular post and how I can't let you down.  I write from my heart, I try to be honest and sincere with the things I say, I will try my best to do this all the way.  I am scared, but I won't know if I can accomplish this, unless I try.  I don't even know who actually reads my posts, but what I do know is that if through out these next 16 scary weeks I feel like I am about to quit, I will come back to this post, read it and remember that I can't let you down.  Hopefully, this will give me the strength and courage to keep going.


Now, what was your resolution? and what are you doing about it? today is January, 13 2011 LET'S DO THIS! if I CAN DO IT, ANYONE CAN! WOOO HOOOO!!!!!

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

The Feeling of miss!

I was just thinking of someone and I felt this.  So I wrote it... ENJOY!
The Feeling of Miss By Jazzy - Inspired by,  My new crush.
I’m feeling inside me the feeling of miss, I miss your smile and your laughter and the way that you speak.
I feel this feeling in the pit of my stomach, anxiety grabs me and makes me feel funny.  When did this happen?  how can this be?  I hate this feeling the feeling of miss.
I miss you!

Sunday, January 9, 2011

This CRAZY life!

Today as I was packing my boxes to move.  I found a journal that I wrote back in 1992.  I couldn’t believe the things I read.  While I was reading it, I felt like I was reading a story about someone else.  Then I became sad, because I thought about the time when I was 16 years old and my then boyfriend, had taken all my diaries and thrown them down the incinerator from his building.
When I was 16 years old, I ran away from home to move in with my boyfriend.  Yes I was a teen run away!  the day I decided to run away, I remember feeling this sense of freedom and fear combined in one.  At 16, I knew it all (or so I thought) and I wanted to be with my boyfriend.   His name was Phil and he was in a wheelchair, he had a disease called, muscular dystrophy.  Muscular dystrophy, refers to a group of hereditary muscle diseases.  There are different kinds of diseases that fall under that umbrella, but basically it’s almost different levels of it.  What this disease does is that your muscles are weak, and as you get older, the muscles get weaker and weaker, or depending on which type of this disease you have, it might not have to do anything with your age, it can just be a faster more advanced type, eventually your muscles are so weak that your heart will stop because well, our heart after all, is a muscle.  
When I think back at the relationship that I had with Phil, I can’t really remember much.  I do remember one thing though, I remember his friend Angel.  Angel was one of the cutest guys I have ever been with in my opinion.  Did I just write ever been with? oh yeah I did.  Well here’s the deal, Angel could walk Phil couldn’t, so most of the time Angel was with Phil and I, because he was one of his best friends and would help push Phil’s wheelchair around.  


Phil loved to DJ and so we would always go out to the clubs to hang out.  Yes, at 16 I would go to Studio 54, it wasn’t as cool as it was in the late 70’s but the 3 of us would go, every single weekend, I don't know nor do I remember how it was possible that a bunch of 16 year old’s could get into a club.  I do remember one thing though, hanging out with Marc Anthony, yes THE Marc Anthony, he was absolutely a no one then, but I did hang out with him in the DJ booth of studio 54.  Phil was very popular, who the hell wouldn't be friends with someone in a wheelchair??? Phil knew the DJ who knew Marc Anthony who sang in English and was trying to make it.  Phil knew EVERYBODY! and because I was Phil's girlfriend, I got to hang in the DJ booth also.  I bet if I saw Marc Anthony now and tried to say hello, he'd probably think I was a crazy woman of some sort.  
Anyway, Angel was alllllways with us, so you know what started to happen right? yeah, him and I started to really like each other.  Angel would come over everyday just to “hang out with Phil” or rather, to be with me.  We were 3 high school drop outs just playing video games all day long and going to the clubs on the weekends.  Yeah, I dropped out of High School after my district suspension which basically meant that I could not attend any school in my district.  After I was told I couldn’t attend any school around my way, I just dropped out.  
When my mother finally was able to convince me to come home almost a year later, I decided to go back to High School, I didn’t want to get a GED so I went back to an Alternative HS which I loved.  That is where I wrote my journal that I was reading today which I wrote in 1992, I graduated from HS at 21.  Wow, most ppl. I currently attend college with are that age.  But I went back to HS and got my HS Diploma, this made me happy.
Now back to Angel.  I guess I’m writing this because I have never really trusted the person I’m in a relationship with to hang around with my friends.  Maybe this mistrust stems from the fact that well, I was always with my boyfriends friend which caused me to catch feelings for him, but then again I was 16 and isn’t that what we do at that age??? who know’s I can’t remember.  I never cheated on Phil with Angel, because I have always been faithful to my significant other, however, when Phil and I broke up, I did start going out with Angel, we were together for about a year (I was with Phil for about 8months) the whole time we were together, NO ONE knew about it, because in Chelsea projects (Chelsea NYC that is), I was known as “Phil’s girl”.  Angel and I kept it on the low.
So today as I was reading that journal, I went down memory lane and remembered how one day fighting with Phil, he grabbed my diaries and told me that if I didn’t throw them out, he would break up with me, naturally I had to give them to him so he could throw down the incinerator (what the fuck was I thinking!!!).  1992, where did the time go?
I have no point for this post, I am just rambling and writing down my thoughts (this is after all Jazzy’s Journal) you see the name on top of the page? EXACTLY! it’s my journal so I’m “JOURNALING”  anywho, if you were expecting a point of some sort you won’t find it here, I just really felt like writing, especially since I read my journal and had all these memories.  
I do have to say though that I never thought about this until this very second, but, what was Phil’s mom thinking letting me move in with her son? was it because she was afraid that one day her son’s heart would stop beating because his muscles were weak? did she just want him to always be happy no matter what? as a mom, I can’t imagine how scary it must feel to know that your child has an incurable disease.  And me, dating a boy in a wheelchair using him probably to get away from my home my problems.  

I cared about him very much I am sure of it, but at that age it wasn’t love, because when you love someone you don’t like their friend.   It’s so weird how we live and learn, the process of life.  I spoke to Phil a few years ago, he’s still alive but his condition is worse, he also has a son.  Angel ended up being a crack head and now lives in some mid western city (can’t remember where) he’s off of crack.  Yeah, I’m random, I like to write and you are reading my journal and these are my thoughts today.  Life is so crazy! or is it my life that's crazy?

Saturday, January 8, 2011

MY SECRET.

I hope so bad that you read this, because only you will know it’s about you.  I have thought about you too much lately and I’m afraid I shouldn’t.  I enjoy thinking about you though, especially because you are stealing my thoughts from those who do not deserve them.  Especially him, the one who has ignored me for so long.  When I think of you I smile.
Here are your clues.  We both love the view of beautiful landscapes.  I had a dream about you and when I told you about it, I started off by saying, I had a dream about you but don’t freak! in my dream you were leaving.  When I told you about my dream, I left out the most important part because I was embarrassed to tell you.  I left out the part, where I was really sad because you were leaving but as you were leaving, although you were afraid that someone might see us you looked at me grabbed me and held me in your arms real tight, it felt so real! I woke up wishing it were true.  I hardly ever dream, but I dreamt about you! God, I like you so much!
This is my secret, I am writing it on my blog because I’m going crazy and need to kick this.  I cannot be thinking about you on a Saturday morning the moment I wake up.  You are so awesome, I doubt I will ever be able to tell this to you to your face, and I'm usually fearless.  It's just that it would be too complicated and I like simple.
I hope so bad you read this, because you deserve to know how special you are, and that someone is thinking about you right this moment.......That someone, is me.

Friday, January 7, 2011

If I have his baby, I will have him forever!

After we made love, I did as the old spanish lady who lived downstairs from me  instructed me too, she said "mija cuando terminen de hacer el amor, tu pones tu piernes en el aire bien altas" which means one’s you two are done making love you put your legs up real high.  He obviously wasn’t paying attention to what I was doing, nor did he know that my intention by putting my legs up on the wall after making love, was to become pregnant with his baby.  These are old wives tales obviously, you know, the whole putting your legs up situation, but I did it and it worked! At 22, this seemed like the perfect plan to trap the man that I loved.
When I am asked who was my true love, I usually have to think about it.  And I don't have an answer for that question, at this point, it has become quite clear to me, that I have never experienced true love for a man, because had I experienced it I would never have to stop and think about who it might have been.  However, I do believe I have been in deep love; deep enough to believe that if I had this man's baby, we would be together forever.
Dev, my first deep love.  I had just gotten out of school and was walking up west 4th street towards Broadway in the Village of NYC.  I was high as hell, I had smoked a blunt (pot) with my homeboys in their car, that day, had I been caught in that car smoking I would of probably been arrested and been telling a different story.  Awww! my pot smoking days, how wonderful you were.  
As I was walking up the Ave., I see a crowd of guys walking towards me, in my high state, I sucked my teeth and thought, great a bunch of guys, they are going to start trying to talk to me.  As I suspected, out from behind a crowd of like 6 dudes, he comes up from behind them all and asks me if I need a boyfriend? clever question/pick up line.  Little did he know, that he would become the object of my love to the point of me coming up with a master plan to “trap him” that this girl, who I later found out he had ran from behind his friends to beat one of them to me, would become his baby momma.  
Our relationship was one crazy moment after the other, we were both young and in deep love.  I loved him so much, that I took his beatings and his insults and thought that all that was ok.  It wasn’t, yet this was the man who I wanted to be with forever.  I couldn’t imagine my life without him not one single moment.  We were together day and night inseparable for 3 years. 
9 months after having had my legs up on that wall, I had a beautiful baby boy.  All of a sudden, my deep love was no longer as important to me as my first true love.  When I first held my true love in my arms, I didn’t even like him.  I remember that immediately after I delivered him and he was in my arms Dev asked me if I loved the baby and I responded no.  A few hours later after I had been separated from my baby for the doctors to examine mommy and baby to make sure we where ok, I started feeling this immense anxiety and began to scream for the nurse to bring me my baby.  The second time he was put in my arms I began to cry, I looked at this little human being who belonged to me who was initially a “master plan to trap a man” and fell in the deepest truest love a human being can imagine.  All of a sudden, life had a new meaning to me.  
4 months after having my son and realizing that I did not want him to grow up in a home where mommy got punched, I broke up with my deep love and never took him back.
As I look back now and think of that moment when I decided to “trap this man forever” I realize that although I did trap him, because until this day I still see him.  I still didn’t “trap him” because we broke up anyway, therefore my trapping tactic was not effective.  You CANNOT trap a man or a woman by having a child.  Yet I still often hear stories of how a woman will have a man’s baby or a man will try to get a woman pregnant to “keep them.”
If a woman believes that by having a baby, they will always have that man in their life, they are absolutely right, if he loves his child he will ALWAYS be there, but having a child is not a joke and should not be used as the means to keeping someone by your side.  Throughout these last 16 years, there have been times that I have thought, shit I wish I never had to see you again.   


On New Year’s eve however, right before midnight, I spoke to my baby’s daddy who has become a good friend, someone who knows me and respects me and accepts me.  At the end of our conversation, I wished him the best of luck in the up coming year followed by the words I love you! he responded, thank you I love you too.  I love him, he is the father of my first of three true loves and a wonderful human being.  

Every man who I have had a serious relationship with after him, has accused me of me still loving him, but I do not, not in that way at least.  There is a difference between being in love and loving someone.  So yes, maybe I was able to “trap him” sort of, but not for him to be mine forever.  

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

He has a motorcycle, should I have sex with him for a ride???

About 6 summers ago, I had one of, If not the most trilling summer of my life.  When I think back I can’t help but to think holly shit I must of been crazy! the reason being, that I was hanging out with my cousins who own motorcycle’s and all summer long, all I did was hang out with them, being the passenger on their bikes and having myself a blast.  High speed thrills.  My cousins are the only one’s I would ride a bike with, because well, they are like brothers to me, and I trust them fully. 
Being the girl in the back of a motorcycle is not only thrilling but in my opinion it’s also very sexy.  There is something about a man in a bike that just gets my juices flowing, and in my opinion men love to see a woman as a passennger.  Of course this is strictly my opinion, but even when you watch a movie and there is some motorcycle action, it’s just a lot of fun to watch for women and men.   
I know I am getting old because when I think back not only do I think I can’t believe I rode with them going that fast! but I also don’t much care for bikes anymore, in addition, the older I get, the more I love my life and value it.
But last summer, I'm at this bar and there are a bunch of guys with their motorcycle helmets, with their bikes outside all lined up one next to the other; they just looked so damn hot! and all the "cool motorcycle guys" with their sexy body’s and their cool cloths are laughing and carrying on and getting all the women’s attention.  The whole time, I am observing this and thinking, look at the affect a motorcycle has on women, because these girls I am not exaggerating when I say, that they are all over these guys, I laugh to myself going we humans, we are all so alike in so many ways, I’m also thinking, really? you like him because he has a bike??? wow some women! I admit I might be shallow, but I am not materialistic. 
So at the end of the night one of these guys starts talking to me and we start hanging out and exchange numbers.  At the time, I wasn't sure If he was one of the bike owners or just one of the passengers, either way he was cute (I know shallow) but he was, and very funny too.  
When it was time to leave he says to me, hey you want a ride? I'm thinking he's talking about a ride home, since I don't ever leave a bar with a man (hey I read the newspapers Jazzy don't play that) I naturally say no thanks.  But then, I go outside and there it is THE MOTORCYCLE! So lovely, it was a silver and black Hayabusa when he turned it on it’s roaring sound went right through me, I could feel it all over my body.  He gets on puts on his helmet and says you sure you don't want a ride followed by a million dollar smile, at this point I couldn't
resist it, it had been a while since I had been on a bike and he's so cute with his smile and he continues, come on just around the block.  


At this point I think to myself, well he looks like a cool guy he is sober and it's only around the block.  I get on, put my arms around his waist and off we go.  I am loving this because it's so much fun.  We ride for a few blocks and it feels really good, wind on my body, the feeling of freedom, and the roar of the bike that makes everyone look. But mr. motorcycle has something else on his mind, he stops in front of a building which is only a few blocks away from the bar, he turns off the bike and says to me, come inside my apt. and have a drink with me, at this point I'm thinking is this guy serious??? So I'm like no thanks I have to go.  
Well, mr. motorcycle gets all pissed off and says get the fuck off my bike.  I look at him in disbelief, take off the helmet  throw it on the floor say to him are you serious and start laughing.   when I think back at my laughter, I’m not sure if I was angry laughing or just laughing at the fact that this dude really thought that because he had a bike, I was going to go to bed with him.  Men are crazy!  He looks at me as if I'm the crazy one and drives away.  
I start walking and laughing because I'm still in disbelief of what is happening, I still can't believe this guy thought he was going to get lucky over his bike.  But as I am walking I hear the bike roaring behind me he stops and tells me to get back on the bike.  I stood there paralyzed for a minute and without saying a word I grab the helmet put it on get back on the bike, put my arms around him feeling like an idiot that needed to obey him, but the whole time, it’s ALL ABOUT THE BIKE.  He takes me back to the bar, I get off and he drives away in his beautiful bike. 
I thought about the whole incident afterwards, I kept thinking about the guy and the bike, and how this guy had probably done that before and how he probably successfully got laid, because why else in the world would he think he could get away with treating a woman that way.  I  also thought that ultimately, it came down to one thing, the power of the  motorcycle!  
I have talked to so many women about this and I always hear the same thing, they always tell me how motorcycles are just a turn on.  I have also heard stories from my male family and friends who own motorcycles about the things some girls will do for a ride, it’s crazy but I believe it.  I believe it because if I am someone who is used to being on bikes who can literally make a phone call and get a ride where ever I want to go, and yet I got suckered into a ride with a total stranger, imagine some young girl who’s never been on one.  
Motorcycles, if you are a guy who can’t get laid, buy one of those, guarantee you probably will.  Just drive responsibly :)

http://thekneeslider.com/archives/2007/06/28/2008-suzuki-hayabusa/

What happens in Vegas!

 Dear Journal - I know it has been sometime since I last wrote but as of late, my life has been pretty busy! I came on here tonight to write...