Suicidal thoughts

 Dear Journal -

This was a very interesting week to say the least, but I made it through it and here I am, doing what I said I would be consistent doing.  I'm struggling so bad! I want to get off all these dating sites that I am on, I mean I'm not on very many only 3 well actually 2 I got off of one of them because it's just so much work.  It takes everything in me to talk to people and to try and be nice or at the very least pleasant, I have absolutely no desire to meet anyone, get to know anyone and quite honestly even sleep with anyone, to be honest, when the thought of sex crosses my mind it almost grosses me out, I don't want anyone touching me, so when someone on a dating site messages me and says even a nice comment like you look beautiful or great or whatever, it makes me angry almost.  I had some pictures up on the sites I'm on of me in a sports bra and work out pants and I decided to take them down because that is not the attention I want, yet at the same time that's exactly what gets me likes on my FB page and that page is where I post you my sweet journal and I have so many plans in my head for you! So I feel torn and maybe I just need to take a break from it all.  The worst part is that I'm not even premenstrual so it's not because of that and it's not because I'm premenopausal as I got tested and they told me I wasn't, so I don't know what's going on, I just feel like I'm in this really bad place mentally.  

The other day I had a really scary thought and it made me feel like I need to find a new therapist, the last one I had was over a year ago and she helped me work through some stuff, talking to her made me realize how valid my trust issues are, and how it's a real thing and you can work through it and change the behaviors and learn how to work through those feelings, I love therapy, I think everyone should have a therapist.  I briefly considered becoming a therapist but after being a domestic violence advocate, I realized that it wasn't something I could handle and while there are very different types of therapist, I just don't have it in me to do that work, although I sort of do it as a social worker and get paid less I guess, but I just don't want to invest the time it will take me to study and do the hours and it's just a lot! Therapist are amazing, I have a few therapist friends and they are amazing humans!

So my thought, was really scary because I was driving and kept feeling like I wanted to drive really fast and throw my car over the cliff.  I know that this is a suicidal thought and I'm not feeling like I want to take my own life, but I just had this feeling like I wanted to do it and I had to talk myself out of feeling that way, it was a bit scary and it reminded me of when I would feel that way back in NYC  when I would be on train platforms and I would imagine myself throwing myself in front of a running train.  I used to have to make myself move back and stand against the wall because I can be very impulsive and I was afraid one day I would do it, just jump.  I am not sure where these thoughts are coming from, but they are definitely scary and I love life and I don't want to die, but it's scary that I would even entertain for a second these weird thoughts.  I'm not afraid of death, I know I will one day but I want it to be because it's supposed to be, not because I did such a thing.  As a teenager I contemplated suicide so many times, as an adult, not really.

I am thinking of taking a break from dating sites and just figuring out other ways to get followers, I'm sure there are ways, but again it just takes so much work and so much effort, I don't even know what I'm doing anymore and I'm so tired of talking to people that I have no desire of talking to, it's so draining and it feels like everyone wants a little piece of me and I don't want to give anyone anything!  

The other day I was on my walk and I saw this man running past me up this steep hill and I felt so sad, and so jealous! I wanted to be running also, I miss it so much and sometimes I run a tiny bit, but I get so scared that I will hurt myself again and then I won't be able to walk or run, so I try and take it easy.  My friend keeps telling me to go with him to kick boxing, I'm scared to and I have no idea why! coincidentally, this friend I met on Tinder a few months ago, he's from NYC also and he's pretty awesome! He is very driven and does all this cool stuff, like go to gun ranges! I hung out with him and told him I want to learn how to shoot guns, so him and a few other friends of mine are going to go to a gun range and shoot guns, it's time I stop being afraid of them and learn how to use them! the way this world is going, I swear it feel like the zombie apocalypse is coming and I'll be one of the first ones to go because I don't know how to defend myself! it's insane!

Well, I don't really have anything else productive or interesting to share with you tonight journal, I'm just so down, life feels sort of weird right now, I'm in this weird happy/unhappy place! I hope I snap out of it soon as this is not like me, I don't like it!

Also, if you are ever contemplating with hurting yourself, please don't! there is always someone that will be devastated by this act! please seek help immediately! 1-800-273-8255

or click here for help! https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

I'll leave you with - Passionfruit - By: Drake 

Love these beats!

My world is blue :(

 Dear journal -

I'm trying really hard to stay committed to you, I often think about the things that I want to write and or what I want to say, but the other times I feel like completely giving up and just letting go of this dream that I've had for so long! You are my 4th child, my little piece of me. I have been reading through my story lately and It feels like I'm going backwards instead of forward, like time is changing and instead of growing, I'm stuck in a loop! I'm still me, the same person I was 10 years ago when I first started writing on this the world wide web.  Sure, some things have changed like I now have a Bachelor's degree and when I first started writing this journal I was attending college.  I have a whole other career that I am in, I live in a different state and actually have lived in two different states in these last 10 years since I started this journal.  But me, fundamentally, when I read through old stuff, I'm me, same person with more heartbreak to add to this journal.

I have been self analyzing myself lately, trying to break old patterns and just working through my stuff and I have noticed something that maybe I am wrong about, but it is definitely a theory to think through.  After my last major break up (my divorce) when I first started this blog, I met someone that changed my life forever yada yada..... Benjamin (not his real name) and while I do believe what I felt for him was real and legitimate, I also think I used that to shelter myself for many years after, so that I wouldn't fall in love again with anyone else because the reality was that it was too scary and it was to painful to go through that stuff again in my lifetime.  I went in search for closure from that when I attended the school of practical philosophy in NYC because I knew that he would be attending also, and so I attended and after not seeing him for a few years, we finally met again and were face to face and while there were a few times that I ran out of the school and cried in central park because seeing him was really hard, I did it, I broke from that crazy story and I really believe that he was doing the same thing, after that, he met his now wife.

Then, years went by and sure, I had people that were pretty significant but I did not fall in love again until 5 years ago when I met my current ex and was in an actual relationship again.  This person literally broke down all my walls, I didn't think that I could ever love the way I loved him, ever again.  

This past weekend, I was in Oregon, it was a last minute trip that I mainly made because my daughter asked me to.  I had promised her a summer trip and we had not done anything, so I had asked her if she wanted me to take her to Disney World and she told me she would rather go to Oregon.  I wasn't very happy about going, but the thought of seeing my friends made me happy, so I told myself I would go and it would be great! Now, don't get me wrong journal, seeing my friends is always great! I got to go out to a gay club with one of my gay friends and I LOVE gay clubs/bars anywhere I can go and not get hit on and just have a great time in a great atmosphere (side note, I was a great wing woman and my gay friend got a number that night! woot woot).  Any who, I also got to go to the beach, have some great food and meet new babies! all in all it was great, until I had the great idea of messaging my ex.

I will be very honest with you journal, he and I have not spoken in over 3 months and while I have not really missed him, I often think and cry about us, or what we had or used to be or whatever! I do think about him almost daily but things are not as bad as they were say last year around this time when I thought death was coming for me! So all this to say that I thought I could message him and deep down inside I thought, maybe he and I can see each other and finally say I'm sorry in person or maybe just finally make peace with everything that happened. My excuse for reaching out was that he has something that belongs to me.  He and I only communicate via emails as he changed his number and I don't like to message him on messenger and also there was a time that FB literally wouldn't let us become friends (that's a true story and another blog post) but yea, at some point in our relationship we weren't allowed to communicate via messenger and he and I would joke that FB was trying to keep us apart!

I emailed him the last night before leaving, not knowing if he would even respond.  I let him know that I was in town and that I would like for him to give me what he had that belonged to me.  I did not hear back from him until the next day, and what I read, broke my heart all over again.  Ever since that day which was on Sunday, today it's Tuesday, I've done nothing but cry.  The thought that this man hates me so very much, breaks my heart into pieces time and time again.  Actually as I'm sitting here writing this post, tears are rolling down my cheek, because it's that painful! he wished I would die like 4x actually the last message I got from him which was this morning, said he wished I would die in a hole.  Words so sharp like a knife that hit my heart and broke it again.  I can be really really harsh and brutal with my words, sometimes I say things that are mean and I might not even mean for them to come off mean, but they can be, but I tried my hardest not to be mean and I didn't curse at him or wrote anything to like continue to fight with him, because I could tell by his response that he is in a dark place and that he hates me and that he's still hurting and that there is nothing that I can do to change that.  What hurt me was not the fact that he wants me dead or yes that does hurt me actually, but what really hurts me is that he is still fighting his demons, that he is still in a dark place and that there is nothing that I can do for him.  My heart is so broken, I feel so sad to know that this person that I love is hurting, he is still in it and I am too, but not as bad, I have definitely done some healing and I just wanted to get this closure that definitely doesn't look like it will come anytime soon.

Journal, I don't want to meet anyone new, I don't want to date, I don't want to have anything to do with the opposite sex right now.  I wanted so bad to get off of dating sites, I'm on 3 different ones, but my dream, you is what has kept me on them! I need to keep you alive because I let this dream go once before and I don't want to do the same thing again.  Remember Xavier? I decided I don't want to go out with him and I have not heard back from him but I hope that I don't, as I don't want to turn anyone down, or make anyone feel bad so I think it's best I stay with me for a while as much as I say I want to get out there, there is absolutely no way I can give anything to anyone at this moment, I am truly a hot mess! but, I will stay true to you my sweet journal, because when I'm here putting these thoughts down, writing this entry, it feels like me! I've been journaling since I can remember! I had countless books that an old boyfriend read through and got so mad he through them down an incinerator, I was 16 at the time.

I like that you are on the www and that I guess the only one that can kill you would be google, sometimes I think of printing you out, just to make sure that if all hell breaks loose, I still have you.  There are also those that may want to come on here and read about my stories or I don't know, know something about me.  Regardless, someone who I have been thinking about a lot lately, told me one night while we were hanging out, that I should just keep on writing, when I told him I didn't want people knowing everything he said, don't write it and post it, just write it! He told me how he wrote music and that was his outlet.  I miss that guy, I don't even know what happened we just don't talk anymore.  It's always the ones I feel connected to that go away and I never really understand why.  Maybe he met the woman of his dreams! I wish that for him!

I'm getting off topic, but I guess I wanted to write tonight to release some of this pain onto these pages because it's been more than I can bare.  I'm hurting journal, so so much!

I will leave you with......... love is blue or maybe it's called Blue blue my world is blue.  I'm not sure, I don't know who the original song was written by, but I know this song since I was around 12 years old, I used to sing in the glee club and we had to learn this song.  It's so beautiful!

This is the version I found on youtube.....

Forces of Nature!

 Dear journal -

The story I am about to tell you is simply to damn good to wait any longer to share! This story, might just be my next love story! fingers crossed! OR it can be my next tragedy! either way, stay tuned as this major event develops! Just kidding journal it's not really a major event, but it's super weird and not.

I believe in the law of attraction, "the secret" I have lived and seen things that I have wanted manifest in my reality.  I don't usually write about this stuff, because it is very intense and many people don't believe in it and sometimes it can sound pretty crazy.  I don't want to go into too many details about it, but I do want to say, that I am a Libra born in October, I read once or someone told me can't remember, that people born in the month of October, have the witch gene, many people don't believe in witches and goblins, but I believe in very many things.  I definitely believe in angels and I definitely believe in supernatural things and I believe in good and evil.  Whenever I wish for something now, I am very careful of how I ask for it, because I know that depending on how I'm thinking about something, things might come to me twisted, and so because of that, I try not to wish to often, as the universe and God know my heart and know my wishes and therefore, I try to live my life as best I can to keep a good balance.  I am a libra after all!

For sometime now, I always say stuff like, I wish I met someone in person that I actually will like.  By that I mean, I want to feel the "magic" that I felt, once upon a time when I met a man by the name of Benjamin Nunez (that's not his real name) if you read my first journal entry, you can read all about him.  In brief, when we first laid eyes on each other, we both thought to ourselves... OMG! who is that! when we said hello to each other we were both very nervous, to me, that is the "magic" I talk about.  I know he felt that way, because later on he told me, so I'm not making this stuff up! or did I make up that whole story? I don't even know anymore.  

On Saturday I had invited some friends over for what I called my "hot dog pool party" we sat by the pool and had beers and hot dogs! that day I had a long talk with one of my good girlfriends and I cried to her, telling her that I was still mourning the loss of my ex and that I felt stupid, because in two months it will be a year that we broke up and I should be over it by now, long story short, we had a long talk and after wards, I felt SO MUCH BETTER! after my hot dog pool party, we decided to go out to watch a live band and since I was feeling fabulous! I decided I wanted to get pretty, so I did my hair, wore some make up and threw on the dress that I wore, the last time my ex and I were a couple.  It looked so much better on me and I felt GREAT!

We went to watch a live band and after that was over, we went to another bar which coincidentally, had a live band as well.  So, by this time I had had 1 mixed drink a shot and was having a beer, I wasn't drunk but I was definitely starting to feel tipsy.  At one point I was walking toward the front and the place wasn't packed so there was enough space between everyone, but I'm walking and I notice this man standing there watching the band and he was bald, I've always had a thing for bald men, while most feel very insecure about it, I've always found it attractive, even when I was younger, I liked when I dated someone and they got "baldies" it was a thing in the 90's and like I said, I always find it attractive.  I also love long hair! just saying! anyway, I go up to him and I make a comment about his bald head, but it was a complementary comment that I for the life of me can't remember.  He looks at me and makes a comment back we giggle and have a short conversation about his bald head.  He wasn't really paying me much mind and I didn't really care, because I wasn't like flirting but maybe I was a little and I also didn't have any intention with him I was simply stating my feelings about bald men.  All I remember is that my last comment was something like..... I think bald men are sexy, look at Xavier from X-Men! he's the bomb! he giggled again and I walked away and never thought of this man again!

This morning, I get a text message from one of my friends that I was with, that had not seen my interaction with Xavier, let's call him that for now.  She tells me she was talking to a man she met on a dating site and tells me he told her he was at the same bar we were at on Saturday and how he met a woman and this woman had said something to him that made him feel so good, it had made him decide to get back on a dating site, he also told her that he was bummed because he didn't get this woman's number as he no longer knew how to talk to women in person.  When she tells me this I'm still not putting two and two together, so I'm like, OH that's cool! she sends me his picture and it was HIM! Xavier! I was like wtf! dude the woman he's talking about was me! so now she's like get the heck out of here I'm telling him I know you, he told me how he was bummed that he didn't get your number bla bla bla! so now I'm like, are you sure? I literally don't care, you know I'm not really looking for anything crazy right now, I was just stating facts to the man you can talk to him that's all you girl! she then insists (as she is my wing woman) and I'm like ok fine! she messages me a few minutes later and tells me he asked her to give me his number! holy shit!

Ok, so first, I was recently sort of kind of talking to someone who I liked and things went sour and he stopped talking to me and it felt pretty crummy! I'm also in a weird place that while I'm open to meeting someone and sure, if I'm blown away maybe I can see myself in something more serious but I honestly feel that I am not in a place to like, give too much of myself.  I don't want to lead anyone on and this last person that I was kind of sort of hanging out with, I even told him one time that I would feel bad, being in a relationship right now as I would feel like I was cheating because I would likely be with this new person thinking about my ex, sort of like a rebound and that since I did that in the past, and it usually felt shitty, I don't think it would be fair to do that to anyone, I need to feel like I have healed before I can give myself to someone new.  Apparently any time I talked to this individual that I'm referring to in this paragraph, he wasn't paying attention to a word I said, because I think, he may have thought that I was falling madly in love with him and he got scared and decided that instead of telling me what was happening, like we said we would do because we had talked about honesty.  He instead stopped talking to me, as I am no one and he needs not to give me any sort of explanation! I was just some person who crossed his path apparently! oh well! not gonna lie, it hurt I felt shitty but this is exactly why, I have to go out with this new person who I did text and we talked and he said I had made him feel really great and that he would love to take me out because he wanted to feel good again!

Well, Jazzy likes making people feel good! I also am going to force myself to do these types of things because in the past I've gotten very very stuck on stupid! in addition, I have been reading through this journal and have read through some really sad moments that I went through after my last major break up, because my approach back then was to shut down, build my wall and become a total crazy bitch! I will not let that happen to me ever again! love is an amazing thing, and I'm not saying I'll go out with Xavier and fall in love, I'm just saying that I will not let other people's actions change me! I will also not dwell on things like I often do, nor will I stay stuck on stupid! if someone clearly wants nothing more to do with me, then I have to be ok with that and keep it moving! FORCE myself to keep trying! 

I think this story is quite cool to be honest! I was telling my son about it and he was like MOM, that's so crazy! it's such a small world what were the odds that your friend would end up talking to him, etc. etc.  I am just feeling great because I made someone feel really good! I made someone want to go back out there and get em! so even if this encounter ends in a new friendship, I'm ok with that! I also already made another good friend who I've now introduced to my other friends and was also invited to my "hot dog pool party" and I met him on tinder we had a beer then went on a hike and I didn't think he was interested in me, then it turned out he was, but I made it clear I only saw him as a friend as during that time I was sort of kind of seeing someone else who I liked and well, I just didn't feel it.  I have a new friend who is awesome from NY and he brought around another friend and I'm just surrounding myself with some cool ass people! so again, no expectations no disappointments! and while I'm not here like OMG! I can't wait to see Xavier, I'm also not like, ba hum bug!

Tonight I will leave you with...... The song that one day, I will for sure dedicate to someone special, because I know, that one day I will heal and I will be ready to accept love into my life again.  Why not? love is so amazing! we need to love more, love love all people in different ways!

Lauren Hill - Can't take my eyes off of you

Fu#$ing Cheater!

 Dear Journal -

The term cognitive dissonance, is a term used in psychology to describe how humans handle contradicting thoughts.  Basically, how we all have contradicting thoughts and how we manage them. Our brains are magnificent! we have about 50,000 - 70,000 thoughts per day! that's insane! Whenever I'm stuck on a problem, this term usually comes to my mind and I always think about my first psychology professor whom I LOVED! I even wrote about him on my blog once and sent him the link, and he thought it was really cool what I had written, I think that's why he gave me an A! hehe, just kidding journal, Jazzy worked really hard for her A's and B's and even sometimes C's (insert sad smiley here!).

Lately, I have been thinking a lot about my last relationship, it's so dumb how I just go around and around in circles thinking about stuff that has already past, I often though, catch myself and manage to change my thought process, but it is something that is really hard to do and takes a lot of dedication and thought process, that of living in the moment and acknowledging that what happened yesterday I cannot change, BUT, sometimes I like to think about these things because I want to know, how I can grow from those experiences and make sure that they don't repeat themselves in my life.  So the other night I was thinking about when I was with my ex and he cheated on me, the pain I felt, was like nothing I had ever experienced before in any other relationship I had ever been in.  I had been cheated on numerous times in different relationships, but I had always found out about people's infidelity, after we were broken up.

I won't get into all the details of how I found out, because it is a whole other entry but what I will say, is that when he finally admitted to me, I literally thought I was going to like faint or something, I couldn't breath and it was definitely a shock to my system, and then for almost a year, all I did was imagine the man that I loved, having sex with another woman, it was literally a living hell.  I then forgave him and took him back, but then, I could not live with the thought that he had done such a crummy thing to me.  However, throughout this time, I kept trying to figure out why he had done what he did, I needed and answer and I had many contradicting thoughts, to the point that I ended up making myself believe that it was my fault that he had cheated on me, because I drove him to do so! THAT'S INSANE! I think that when someone betrays you, and goes behind your back, and sneaks around and schemes and lies and does all the grime stuff that has to be done to accomplish infidelity, the person who is cheated on, feels that they must have done something wrong, because why else would someone go to those lengths! I am clearly the reason! we have these conflicts inside of us that we feel we need to make sense of and that's when cognitive dissonance is in full mode.

I am not proud, of what I am about to tell you next journal, it is definitely not one of my proudest moments and I legitimately feel, that the icing on my breakup cake was what I'm about to reveal.  After I took my ex boyfriend back, I couldn't live with the fact that he had been sneaky and somehow I convinced myself (cognitive dissonance) that I needed to do to him what he had done to me.  When I think of this now, I keep thinking that the kindest thing I could have done for the both of us, would have been to have let him go and not given him a second chance, because that chance was not genuine, but I could not imagine my life without him back then, I was so madly in love with him and I felt that it had been my fault.  When he came back, he showered me with gifts and was just the loveliest man he could be and journal, when he wanted to be lovely, he definitely could be.  He bought me diamond earrings and we made love every single night for a month, we made LOVE! everything was euphoric! the intensity of what we were both feeling was like nothing I had ever experienced before.  

After that first month, we both began to settle into our respective roles within our relationship and the torment in my mind began again, the image of him having sex with this woman that I had met in the past, would not leave me.  So here is where I failed journal, I failed when I decided that I had to get revenge, that I was going to do to him what he had done to me and so I did, I cheated back and I kept that secret inside for two years.  It wasn't until I was telling someone this story not to long ago, that I realized what a hypocrite I have been.  I was telling the story to this person and I said, my ex cheated on me and then I cheated back, but to my defense, he cheated first! as the words "to my defense" were coming out of my mouth, it dawned on me that I had not been any better than my ex.  That I shouldn't have cheated and even worse, kept that secret for so long.  Whenever he would do something that made me really angry or that truly hurt me, I would always think.... Fuck you! that's why you got played! and some how that made me feel better, except it never really did.  At the end of our relationship I told him what I had done and I feel that, that is the reason why we are no longer together or at least, that was the last straw.  

Journal, I met someone that told me that he had been cheated on by his ex girlfriend and mother of his children and after he told me that, he almost justified why she had done it.  He told me that they had grown apart.  He was justifying her actions almost as if her cheating was his fault.  If two people grow apart then they break up or at least, that would be the right thing to do.  But if you fall apart and start cheating on each other or one person cheats on the other, it doesn't fix the problem, it just makes it worse.  This person then told me that after a long time of them going through stuff and coming to terms with maybe what had happened in their relationship, she is now his best friend.  I could not comprehend, how you can be best friends with the person who betrayed your trust, your love and everything you shared together.  The only thing that makes sense to me about that scenario, is that, he is such a kind and caring human being, that he just forgave her and because they shared a bond for so long, it is difficult for him, to pull away completely.  Maybe, he just still loves her and doesn't know what to do about all those feelings.  I don't know why he feels the way he does and I never really asked him as I felt it was non of my business, but in thinking about what I had been through when I found out about my ex, I could only imagine what he felt and it made me sad, because I know that hurt all to well. I also could relate to him justifying what she had done.  I think in a way, it makes you feel better to tell yourself that some way some how, you had some fault in what happened.  

However, we are all adults and we do things because we want to, I cheated, because I wanted to, not because I got cheated on first, my actions were wrong and I hope that my ex found it in his heart to forgive me.  I finally forgave him, I can finally go to the reservoir by my apt. where he told me he met up with her and hung out with her and spent time with her before sleeping with her.  For a long time, I could not even drive up there, now it is not something that ever crosses my mind again, I finally overcame that betrayal.  Finally!

It's getting late journal, till next time I will leave you with.........

Whiskey Glasses - Morgan Wallace 

 

If only I could write a poem

I inspired him and he inspired me too! so sad, it doesn't happen to me often.... 

What if I could write a poem as easy as he writes his lyrics, with the ease and perfection that the words flow out of his mind and onto his paper.  

What if I could write a poem as well as he can rhyme, why the words would just flow onto my paper as well as they flow out of his mouth! OH those lips! that I got to kiss time and time again! so soft and gentle and tender! They will be missed!

What if I could write a poem as beautiful as he, if only he could see what I see!

What if I could write a poem with words so perfect they could heal his pain, the pain so deep that has kept him from getting close to me.

If only I could write a poem just for him.

Jasmine flower....

Random guy on dating site!

Dear Journal -

I had such an amazing weekend! this is the first time in a long time that I actually didn't want my short vacation to end! Usually after a few days of being away from my bed I start to feel like I need to get back home, but this time I nearly didn't want to come back! I was in Tamp, FL with my 3 closest friends and I feel like I am reborn.  Spending time with other like minded women was awesome, we reminisced and updated each other on everything there was to update.  

I used to work with these ladies at Manpower in NYC, we used to recruit candidates for companies like, Marc Jacobs, Citibank, Pfizer Pharmaceuticals, Levi's Strauss and Co., American Express, Bank of America, Chase Bank, US Postal Service, Federal Reserve Bank of NY to name a few.  These accounts were critical to Manpower's business and because we were the Manhattan office, Manpower had very high expectations and we had to make a lot of money for them, it was a very high stress job, but I learned so very much and had the opportunity to meet some head honchos in some of these companies, I actually wore suites back in those days and had very important meetings with very important very intimidating individuals! I still can't believe that was me! These ladies helped me through those tough years early on in my career, we always had each others back and we can tell stories about those days for days, that job was CRAZY! 

Lately, whenever I travel I go on my dating site and start swiping right like a mad woman! sometimes I'm almost afraid that at any moment I'm going to get banned from the site for "soliciting" but to my defense, I'm not selling anyone anything nor am I forcing anyone to like anything they don't want to nor do I ask for anything.  Additionally, I am also open to meeting someone special, I'm not opposed to it, while that is not my main goal in life at the moment, that doesn't mean that if someone blows my mind, I won't talk to him.  Eventually it would be nice to meet someone special, but that is another blog post.

Lately, I've been posting little snippets of my dating site conversations and I've gotten a few messages from friends telling me that they really enjoy them and how they laugh so hard reading the horror stories! this makes me happy, because I want to make people laugh and entertain whenever possible.  I wanted to specifically write a journal about this, because I had a very interesting experience this weekend that I felt it was worth sharing.

Since I swipe right on everyone because I don't discriminate and have no problem saying hello to people, this past weekend I got 123 messages on my tinder profile, I have never really counted, but this time I wanted to see how many people I had talked to, so I did.  Typically, when I travel, I match with a bunch of people and it's usually a lot, but I've never really counted, so I thought that I would do so this time.  When I went to NYC back in May, I also had a lot of matches, obviously, in bigger more populated cities there will be more opportunities to meet more people I am also a woman, so it's way easier to meet people.  So far, my experiences haven't been successful in the sense that I've been on this dating site for a few months and I haven't met anyone well, maybe I should rephrase, I have met out of hundreds of men, one person that I actually spent some time with, but other than that, I have only been on a few dates here and there.  

This past weekend though I noticed something very significant that I felt I needed to write about because I found it very interesting.  Being a Psychology major and loving the field of Psychology the way that I do, I love to observe human behavior, I would get a PHD in Pscyh. if I had the energy to do so, it is so fascinating, I simply LOVE IT! anyway, what I noticed the most was that men in Florida were all very very nice in the way they presented themselves to me, while I did get compliments, they were all tasteful and very respectful! I was very impressed with that, as I have gotten messages in other states that have really made me angry or felt disrespected or just plain disgusted! 

I had a few men tell me that they had read some of my journal entries.  One guy told me he really liked the way I ended my posts with a song and another guy said that he had seen a few posts that started with a quote, which I used to do a lot of in the past.  It was so cool, to talk to men that actually took the time to get on my blog and read something, it was such a pleasure talking to men that were actually showing interest in what I did.  Sure, I didn't make a "love connection" with anyone, although there was one guy that had I lived in FL, I would of totally met up with him.  Not only was he super handsome and originally from NYC, but he was just someone I felt a good vibe with just in the short conversation we had.  I try to respond to everyone no matter who they are and while I won't carry on a conversation with everyone, I try to be polite.  Some just said hi, so I would respond hi, some would say hey and I would respond hey, I just have fun with this and try not to take it too serious, I also try to be honest and told almost all of the people I talked to, that I was only there for the weekend.  I did not meet up with anyone as this weekend was about my girls, but it was super awesome to find a state where men aren't complete disrespectful assholes, which I'm not saying that there aren't nice gentlemen in most of the states I've visited in the last 6 months or so, but there was definitely a noticeable difference.  

I've been to, OR, NY, NJ, CT, FL, WY and CO and I have to say, Florida for the win! I lived in FL many years ago and I do remember men there being nicer then men in NY.  I am not saying NY men aren't awesome also, there is a bit of everything everywhere you go obviously, but I don't know, I came back feeling smitten by these Floridians! I came back feeling great, not only because I got unconditional love from my girls, but because I felt respected on a dating site! WOW! who knew that could happen! 

I will leave you with........ Aretha Franklin - Respect

Sorry..........

 Dear Journal -

I'm just getting home from the bar, I had such a fun day! threw what feels like my first BBQ and it was a total success! everyone had a great time! I've never really been one to be the BBQ person, I don't particularly like hosting things, but everyone was really happy and thanked me a million times! it felt so good to see all my friends happy.  The day was so fun, that after my BBQ, we all went back to our respective homes to get ready and then went out to the bar to continue the festivities, all in all great day!

In other Jazzy news, I was kind of mean to someone on the dating site that I am on, I guess I'm sort of on what I like to call my "bitch mode" I don't like when I meet a man on a dating site and they start asking me for pictures.  First off, I have a full body picture on my profile, I'm wearing tights and a sports bra, like what else do you want to see? not only do I have that picture, I also have pictures on my FB page which has a bunch of pics, and while they may not all be current, I'm not one to send out a bunch of pics, I barely take pictures I hate taking them and have to take a million to be comfortable with one, so when someone I haven't even met in person starts to ask for more pictures, it really really irks me! so, he pretty much got the bitch mode Jazzy and even after I was a total raging bitch to him, he still wanted to keep talking to me. I am SO DONE with it all, I'm considering getting off dating sites for a while, but I'm conflicted because I've gotten new likes on my FB page because I'm on it, but it takes a lot of work and I don't know that I have the energy for it.

I think the most recent events in my life also have me feeling very discouraged about the dating world, it's so hard! and while sometimes I think I might be ready to "go get em tiger!" at the same time I'm so so scared, that the minute someone does one little thing I'm ready to go off on them.  I've said this before but my biggest fear is that I'm going to start building a wall and I know that once I do that, I will be lost behind it for who knows how long and I don't want to be that person again.  

I also feel that I treated someone that I really like, unkind.  While my intention was not to be mean in any way shape or form.  I told this person about himself based on the fact that he did something to me first that triggered me and made me go on a rant, but my intention was not to hurt this person or make him feel bad, what I told him was coming from a really good place, a place of caring.  The problem was, that I told him what I had to say on a txt message and text messages always loose the tone of the person sending the message and therefore, the reader, interprets the message worse than it may have been intended.  I feel really bad and sad about it, but I cannot reach out to him anymore and I cannot apologize for speaking my truth, especially when his actions toward me where also unkind. How can I apologize to someone for saying things that I meant that may have been interpreted wrong, when their actions were the ones that triggered me to say what I did in the first place? Not only that, but he has done a bunch of things to me already, basically, since we met. 

Looking back at our short history, I have been the one getting upset and he's been the one apologizing.  I swear journal that I was trying to go with the flow, I just went with what felt right and in the end, I feel like I tried really hard to make this person feel comfortable, meeting him where  he's at, not having very many expectations and pretty much making it convenient for him, like literally I never once asked for anything! literally nothing! oh well maybe some consistency and maybe some basic curtesy's that should be offered to people without them having to ask for them.  I followed his lead, because I myself didn't really know what I was doing, I myself wasn't sure what I wanted from this person, I only know, that when I am around him, things feel right, like they are supposed to just be. So I was just following his lead and all that for nothing.  I feel like I lost a good friend and I'm sad.

So, I just don't want to do it anymore, I just want to shut down and build my wall, it's always safer.  I am such a giver and I'm really sick of it! like how come all these women that aren't even good women, women that don't even take care of their man, they get all the good ones? where did I go wrong in my life? did I go wrong because I'm not a selfish bitch that only thinks of herself? like sometimes men tell me stories that I'm like WHAT DID SHE DO? and then I think of myself and I'm like damn! I'm such a great woman! why do I get the shitty end of the stick? I mean I am in no way shape or form perfect, I'm far from that. I want someone to tell me, I don't like that you do this or I wish that you did that, because I will work on things, because who doesn't want to be better? Who knows what horror stories my exes have to say about me, but the men that have been in my life in a significant way, at some point or another will tell me, Jazz, you were really good to me or no one ever loved me the way you did or something to that affect.  Mainly, my relationships have ended because I find myself very unhappy because I ask and ask and ask and don't receive, and it is all because people don't know how to communicate effectively and then it becomes a shit show and that is the end of that! So, yea, whatever I'm pretty much done!

I'll leave you with one of my favorite reggae songs ever!

Foxy Brown - Sorry