Dear Journal -
First I want to start by saying that the moment some sort of an emotional thing happens to me, I come running to you, as I feel like that is the most normal thing to do. Today has been a very weird day and I am about to tell you why.
Many years ago when I started this blog, I was madly in love with someone who I wrote about constantly, I was never with him, I eventually was able to move on from that feeling and blah blah blah. During all of that time all inclusive now, there was another person in my life that I had some sort of feelings for but with him it was literally impossible for me to be with, or think of him that way, and that is a story that I wrote on this blog in 2011 http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2011/06/love-sex-drugs.html while I haven't written about this individual often in this blog, I have to tell you that he is a very important part of my life and that back in 2008 I made him a promise that up until now I have kept and for that I am really proud of myself. Since 2008 he has been in jail in another country and although him and I couldn't write to each other, I was able to go visit him twice during that time and we have found ways to communicate.
On Friday night going into Sat at about 3 a.m., I got a call and I had my phone on ringer by chance because I NEVER have my ring tone on, on my phone. That night I had it on because I was on call from work. Anyway, I answer the phone and half asleep I hear his voice! he said I am free, I don't even know what to do it feels so weird and I am so happy! I was so happy to hear it and half asleep I spoke to him for a few minutes and he told me he would call me the next day. The next day came and all day long I kept looking at my phone waiting for the call that never came, eventually I called his mom and found out where he was which I sort of knew, but I controlled myself from calling him because I wanted to give him space on his first day out in the world again. Finally, yesterday I called him and talked to him, and talking to him has me a hot mess! I keep thinking of him and wishing I was there to be with him and feeling anxious and like something is missing in my life! all these years I have always told myself that things between him and I will never happen, I even told his mom that a few months back, yet all of a sudden knowing he is free and that means he has the opportunity to be close to me, I can't control my anxious feeling! so the thing is that he was only let out for a few days but is probably on his way back to jail as I'm writing this, but in a few weeks he will truly be a free man and I can't deal with it! he won't be in the states, but he will be back home in my country, free, free to be with whomever he wants to be and that little fact is stressing me out! I don't know why all of a sudden I feel so possessive over him, or maybe I do. I feel as he is mine all mine! like I WAS THE ONLY ONE THERE all these years in some sort of way and he belongs to me! and while I always said to him that one's he was out I had kept my promise and I would no longer have ties to him, I feel like that very thing is what makes me feel tied! and I want to just get on a flight and be there once he is finally free, but I don't know why I am feeling this way! it's stressing me out! I want it to go away, this weird anxious feeling! when we talked he told me that once he comes back to the states he wants to move to Colorado and obviously he has to come stay with me, but what does that mean? all these years we have only been friends. Yes we were intimate at the very beginning, but after we always were friends and we always end our conversations with I love you! but when I say it I mean like friend love! I'm so confused!
Anyway journal, I needed to let out all these feelings because quite honestly I haven't felt anything like this in a really really really long time! I just sort of live my life. I have been on a few dates here and there but no one ever does anything for me. I went on a date with this man and he asked me out again and I had to say no because I just wasn't feeling it. But when I heard my friends voice on the phone, I just wanted to run to him and be part of his freedom! I am so happy for him and I want him to succeed! I love him so very much! he is such a huge part of my life and I just hope that whatever happens between us, it never changes the fact that we are friends first and foremost and that I never want to loose that! and I am positively sure we won't, but what of all these feelings I am feeling now?
I'm ALIVE! I still feel! I am happy and scared about it, but mostly happy! time will tell.............
First I want to start by saying that the moment some sort of an emotional thing happens to me, I come running to you, as I feel like that is the most normal thing to do. Today has been a very weird day and I am about to tell you why.
Many years ago when I started this blog, I was madly in love with someone who I wrote about constantly, I was never with him, I eventually was able to move on from that feeling and blah blah blah. During all of that time all inclusive now, there was another person in my life that I had some sort of feelings for but with him it was literally impossible for me to be with, or think of him that way, and that is a story that I wrote on this blog in 2011 http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2011/06/love-sex-drugs.html while I haven't written about this individual often in this blog, I have to tell you that he is a very important part of my life and that back in 2008 I made him a promise that up until now I have kept and for that I am really proud of myself. Since 2008 he has been in jail in another country and although him and I couldn't write to each other, I was able to go visit him twice during that time and we have found ways to communicate.
On Friday night going into Sat at about 3 a.m., I got a call and I had my phone on ringer by chance because I NEVER have my ring tone on, on my phone. That night I had it on because I was on call from work. Anyway, I answer the phone and half asleep I hear his voice! he said I am free, I don't even know what to do it feels so weird and I am so happy! I was so happy to hear it and half asleep I spoke to him for a few minutes and he told me he would call me the next day. The next day came and all day long I kept looking at my phone waiting for the call that never came, eventually I called his mom and found out where he was which I sort of knew, but I controlled myself from calling him because I wanted to give him space on his first day out in the world again. Finally, yesterday I called him and talked to him, and talking to him has me a hot mess! I keep thinking of him and wishing I was there to be with him and feeling anxious and like something is missing in my life! all these years I have always told myself that things between him and I will never happen, I even told his mom that a few months back, yet all of a sudden knowing he is free and that means he has the opportunity to be close to me, I can't control my anxious feeling! so the thing is that he was only let out for a few days but is probably on his way back to jail as I'm writing this, but in a few weeks he will truly be a free man and I can't deal with it! he won't be in the states, but he will be back home in my country, free, free to be with whomever he wants to be and that little fact is stressing me out! I don't know why all of a sudden I feel so possessive over him, or maybe I do. I feel as he is mine all mine! like I WAS THE ONLY ONE THERE all these years in some sort of way and he belongs to me! and while I always said to him that one's he was out I had kept my promise and I would no longer have ties to him, I feel like that very thing is what makes me feel tied! and I want to just get on a flight and be there once he is finally free, but I don't know why I am feeling this way! it's stressing me out! I want it to go away, this weird anxious feeling! when we talked he told me that once he comes back to the states he wants to move to Colorado and obviously he has to come stay with me, but what does that mean? all these years we have only been friends. Yes we were intimate at the very beginning, but after we always were friends and we always end our conversations with I love you! but when I say it I mean like friend love! I'm so confused!
Anyway journal, I needed to let out all these feelings because quite honestly I haven't felt anything like this in a really really really long time! I just sort of live my life. I have been on a few dates here and there but no one ever does anything for me. I went on a date with this man and he asked me out again and I had to say no because I just wasn't feeling it. But when I heard my friends voice on the phone, I just wanted to run to him and be part of his freedom! I am so happy for him and I want him to succeed! I love him so very much! he is such a huge part of my life and I just hope that whatever happens between us, it never changes the fact that we are friends first and foremost and that I never want to loose that! and I am positively sure we won't, but what of all these feelings I am feeling now?
I'm ALIVE! I still feel! I am happy and scared about it, but mostly happy! time will tell.............
