Maroon 5 - Sunday Morning

Maroon 5 - Sunday Morning.......

Eminem - Love it!

You can try and read my lyrics off of this paper before I lay ‘em
But you won't take the sting out these words before I say ‘em
Cause ain't no way I'm let you stop me from causing mayhem
When I say I'mma do somethin' I do it, I don't give a damn
what you think, I'm doing this for me, so fuck the world!


LOVE IT! he couldn't have said it better.  LOVE YOU EM!






http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j5-yKhDd64s

LET HIM GO JAZZY!

The sheets on my full size bed are green with horizontal blue white and red lines on them.  I don't have a bed frame, they sort of annoy me and I always sit at the head of the bed with a pillow on my back, my legs stretched out and my Mac Book Pro on my lap.  The bed is positioned right near a window where there is a fire escape and a flower pot on the window sill.  I like to listen to the sounds on the street as I write.  And at this very moment, I feel the breeze that is coming in from the open window, on my legs.  Yes I know, you are probably like what is she talking about??? well, I am actually trying to describe a setting.  This is something I was learning at my creative writing class.  Pretty cool stuff!


Now that I have captured your attention with my lame description above.  Let me get down and dirty and tell you what I'm really writing about tonight.  This post as I try to type as fast as I can with my new french manicure that I got earlier today, is about letting go.  How am I going to let him go.........


It was 8:20 am at the New York Hospital on June 26th 1994.  I was screaming so fucking hard that the nurse yelled at me, she told me to calm down!  I wanted to tell her to go fuck herself, but even in the state of pain that I was in, I still managed to keep my manners.  After 3 hours of the most horrific pain I had ever felt in my entire life, there he was my first born.  I wanted them to grab that child and take him as far away from me as possible.  When they put him in his dads arms, his dad held him and said OMG! I love him! and when he turned to me and asked me if I did, I told him no.  This was the truth, I felt absolutely nothing for this little human who had just caused me severe horrific pain, I wanted him and his dad to disappear from my vision.   As they took me away and I doze off and on, all I could think of was that I was so glad that the pain was gone and that I never wanted to have that sort of pain again in my entire life.   About an hour later, I began to feel a sense of anxiety. Where is my baby I kept asking, where is he? I want to see him.  When they finally brought him to me and finally placed him in my arms, I FELL IN COMPLETE UNCONDITIONAL LOVE WITH HIM.......


Last Saturday night I asked him and my 11 year old son to please go to the movies with me.  They both looked at me and said they didn't want to.  When that happened, I completely lost it.  I started cursing and yelling and telling both of them that I was going to find myself a man and when I did, they would never have any of my time.  I kept yelling, telling them that I didn't give a shit that they didn't want to hang out with me anymore, that I didn't care because the minute I found myself a man I would always be with him and I didn't want to hear a damn thing from their mouths, when I no longer had time for them because I would be spending with him( my new man) the 3 hours a week that I had to myself! (ok I am exaggerating, I might have 4 hours of free time in my week) but still the point was that I wanted to spend that time with them and they were saying no to me.  And on and on I went flipping out like a crazy woman as my sister and my good friend Vito looked on (this was all going on in my sisters backyard).  At one point, my friend Vito, felt so bad for me, that he started telling them that they should just go to the movies with me.  As he did that, I told him to forget it because it didn't matter I was going to go out and find myself a man and forget about them.  As I am writing this, I can't help but to laugh at that whole scene.  It was quite comical now that I think about it.  Especially the finding myself a man part (yeah ok) but at that moment I was so extremely angry that I just let it all out.  


I grabbed my 3 year old daughter while yelling at them, thank God I have my baby girl, I picked her up strapped her into her chair got in the driver seat and began driving away while still yelling saying watch! you watch and see! then I looked back at my daughter who was looking a bit confused by the whole commotion and I asked her, do you love mommy? and she said yes.  I calmed down after that little moment of love and all was good.


During my Philosophy works class that same week, I began to tell the class about my little scenario and as I was doing so, I realized something that I was not aware of.  In that moment, I realized that I wasn't upset at the fact that they didn't want to go with me to the stupid movie (I could of called one of my friends).  What I was really upset about was the fact that my boys are growing up and I have absolutely no idea how to stop this from continuing to happen, I have no idea how to let go of my babies.  Someone please help me??? please I don't know what to do??  My anger that night was not about the movies or them not wanting to go, my anger was because the inevitable is happening and I have no control over it.  It is so extremely scary watching as your children get older and don't need you anymore.  I feel so helpless sometimes, I feel like I just want to put them in a little box lock it up and stop time.  How scary is this that I don't know how to handle it.  


Times like these I wish there were manuals on how to let go.  How to accept that they will grow up and go away and that it is ok because for so many years we have taken care of them and taught them how to go out there and do a good job.  Be good people, blend in with society, work hard, be respectful of others.  Be kind and generous and loving to others.  At least that is what I have always tried to do.  


For 17 years I have been mother and father to my son.  When he masturbated for the very first time as any normal boy does, he came to me and asked me questions that I did not know how to answer.  How do I answer boy questions when I am a girl? so I did what I could to answer it, I told him it was a normal process of life and he shouldn't feel guilty, I told him that there was nothing wrong with feeling the way he did (I'm using this example because it was one of the most difficult questions I had to answer while my boy was growing up).  And then I ran to the phone to call my male cousins to ask them what they felt, what to say, PLEASE GUYS HELP ME, is what I remember telling them.  


It is so difficult to let go of my baby boy, but he is no such thing anymore.  My baby that I didn't love for an hour after his birth, is becoming a man.  My first true love is growing and Jazzy has to accept this and be proud of her baby.  But I am scared, I don't know how to let him go? how do I do this?


All I can say is, that if you come across my blog and you read this post and you happen to have young children, make sure that you enjoy every single minute of it.  Stop and listen to them talk, observe their little hands and feet.  Touch their faces and kiss and hug them as much as possible.  Time flies by it creeps up on you.  Yes I still kiss and hug my boy, but it's different, he is a young man now with his own ideas, thoughts.  


If you happen to come across this blog post and you have older children or teenagers and you are feeling what I described, then this only means that you are quite the normal person.  We are all in this together.  We all go through the same things.  It's called life.

Crying on the freeway.....

The other day I was driving home and this song comes on the radio and all of a sudden, I found myself crying like an idiot ok maybe not like an idiot, maybe more like someone that was deeply hurt by someone who played a terrible game with her heart.  Anyway, I cried as I was driving down the West Side Highway in New York City with views of the boats on the harbor and New Jersey right across the water.  The sky's were gray and it was a gloomy day, the air was chilly with a misty feel to it.  It was lovely and maybe that is why I felt a bit melancholic.  

Of course the fact that I had seen him a few days earlier couldn't have helped the matter.  When I see him, I can't even look at him.  It is too difficult.  Maybe the truth of the matter is that I am still in love with him, and I just decided to hide those feelings in the deepest of my heart.  When I saw him and we were sitting two seats away from each other in our Philosophy class I looked his way by accident and I noticed his profile, my mind immediately began to say, OH MY GOD! my soul mate is sitting one person away from me.  My LOVE! so I immediately took a deep breath and began to concentrate on what the teacher was saying.  Next week will be our last class together.  I may never see him again in my life.  WOW.  Maybe time will heal these wounds.  My friend my love, that I never even shared a kiss with.  What would his kisses have tasted like?

Anyway, when this song first came out in 2009 I was in serious denial that I was completely in love with my friend and I was so afraid to tell him that I waited and waited.  I would listen to this song and think of him and want so bad to send it to him, but I never did.  Instead I acted crazy and lost him.  I was so scared of what I felt, I couldn't believe it.  But I had just gotten out of a loveless marriage and I wasn't ready to go be with anyone.  He was my friend who gave me advice and told me everything would be ok.  While I was in labor having my 3 year old daughter, in the middle of my labor pains while my ex husband was trying to comfort me, all I could think of was I wish he was here not you (my ex and I were already broken up, he was only there because I was having his child).  The minute I had her and I was able to get to a phone, my friend was the first person I told.  So many memories of my friend Benjamin Nunez (that's not his real name).

If there is one thing that I learned from that experience is that, you should never keep something like that from someone.   The longer you wait and the more you fall, the harder it will be.  When I told him, he told me he didn't love me back and the devastation of it lead me to act all sorts of crazy.  Maybe if I would of told him early on when I began to feel these things for him, I would have saved myself a lot of grief.  But what else can I say other then, I live and learn.

You would think that at my age, I would know it all when it comes to love and relationships.  Yet I don't know a damn thing.  All I know is that I cried listening to this song, maybe for that moment I allowed my true feelings to come out.  I don't think of him as much as I once did yet someone told me that the fact that I can't even look at him, means I still care.  Who knows and quite frankly who cares.  Moving on is difficult, but not impossible......

If you love somebody, LET THEM KNOW!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GPCRbuL4Oh8&feature=fvwrel

Dane Cook Vicious Circle: "Argument"

women winning 99.9% of all fights

HAHAHAHA...... LOVE HIM.... HE KEEPS IT REAL.....HAHAHAHA.....


Always has great choice of words...

Dane Cook - The Movies 1

LOVE MY DANE!

I LOVE HIM!

Someone pointed out to me last night, that they wanted to know what my obsession with Dane Cook was.  This person found it "cute" that I had his pictures all over my FB.  After that, it occured to me that my FB page is not really who I am.  My Journal  however, is totally me, yet I don't have one thing about my man on here.

For those of you who don't know this, well, I DO have a man and his name is Dane Cook! I LOVE HIM! Why?

He is intelligent, tasteful with his comedy, creative, extremely animated, doesn't take himself too seriously, he's funny and intelligent....Wait, I think I said that right?  the intelligent part? 

In addition, look at those lips, look at that hair, the shadow beard, those eyes, that body!

I may be shallow as I obviously want to be with someone who I personally find attractive (hello I'm going to have to kiss this person).  But I will tell you this, sometimes, what I find attractive is not what the masses may consider attractive.  I have very strange taste in men.  Like I said, I'm not your average gal.

So, Dane Cook.  I love HIM! - OH! I already said that!

A MESSAGE FROM THE UNIVERSE

Emotional Needs:

Every one of us shares the same fundamental emotional need to feel loved, understood, and appreciated.  The way we dress, the way we speak, and the exercise we pursue (or want to pursue), our occupation, the money we make, the car we own, where we live, and many other choices we’ve made and achievement we’ve worked for are all related to our need to feel loved, understood, and appreciated.

And yet, despite all our efforts, our needs for love, understanding, and appreciation rarely feel satisfied.  This stems from a deeply rooted misunderstanding between our Higher Self, Basic Self, and Conscious Self – a misunderstanding so common it is almost universal: We have formed dependence on the world outside us to fulfill our internal needs.  Ultimately, however, external sources cannot satisfy inner needs.

The Need-to-Give Principle helps clear up this internal confusion by stating:

If we want carrots, we need to plant carrots;

If we want radishes, we need to plant radishes;

If we want love, we need to plant love;

If we want understanding, we need to become understanding.

If we want to feel appreciated, we need to appreciate others.

If we want to feel loved, we need to give love.

I took the above three paragraphs, right out of my favorite book “NO ORDINARY MOMENTS” by Dan Millman.  I am not really good at reviewing a whole entire book because I have never really done so.  I want to try at some point though.  But for now, I want to put in my journal parts of books that I find helpful to me with everyday decision making and or to keep myself focused on the things that are truly important in my life.

It’s very easy to get distracted at times, but what has always helped me to continue to move forward with my goals is, that I write them down and keep them in the back of my mind.  When ever I feel like I’m loosing focus.  I think to myself, 'you better not give up you need to do xyz.'  Take care of me so I can take care of the one’s who need me and depend on me.  At the end of the day, whatever we do, we do for the love of the one’s who truly matter in our lives.  I do it for my children.  I have to constantly remind myself that they did not ask to be put on this earth and that I have to be responsible and make sure that they are ok. 

The paragraphs that I took from the book to put on here, I did so because whenever I feel like I am not feeling appreciated or loved or understood.  Or when I feel like maybe I am not being understanding or appreciative or loving towards others.  I can reference this and think to myself.  Am I treating other’s the way I want to be treated? By doing this, it may help me to put things in perspective.  Believe it or not, I read my journal entries all the time.  I love my journal and I love that you are reading it too.  Yes you, whom ever you may be.  Why else would I write if it weren't for you to read it? No, I don't know who reads it, but even if one person stubbles upon my journal and get's something good out of it, then I'm happy. 

I hope that on here, you will find something that you can relate to and maybe learn something from it, meaning.  You read it and you think, she did that? what and idiot! I sure wouldn’t! or she did that? wow, if she can do it so can I!  My live journal is for all to see, because I like to learn and share those things which I feel would be helpful to others.  I live and learn I am not perfect, I am on this road also.  I struggle just as much as the next person.

So remember, if you want understanding, appreciation and love make sure you are giving that also.  In life, it is important to give and take.  Don't always be the giver and don't always be the taker.  It's so rewarding when you  can be both.

A BRAVE MAN

I have been taking a creative writing class now for five weeks, and I must say that I seriously enjoy it.  When I sit in that class with all those creative people I have to say that I truly suck at writing.   The teacher told us, that most of what we write is shit and that out of hundreds of pages of shit, we might have one good thing.  Of course he was talking about non-fiction stories.  The people I attend this class with are really really good at creative writing.  They will whip up a story in minutes, meanwhile, I will sit there and day dream for a bit until something comes into my mind that makes even a bit of sense.  


I have been thinking lately about changing the format to my journal I am thinking about fabricating stories and making them non-fiction, but I'm not sure yet.  When I first started writing my journal, I was actually journaling about my past but then all of a sudden, my journal started becoming a live journal of events that are going on in my life currently or maybe a few months ago.  I sort of don't want to do that, because that means that I would have to talk about people currently in my life and I don't know how certain individuals will feel about me writing stuff about them.  I think I might start trying to be more creative with my writing and write some non-fiction short stories based on true events that happened in my past.  But I am still not sure which way to take my journal.  I do have some seriously juicy stories that I still want to share tho, so please, stay tuned for those.  


I was just going through my notebook from my creative writing class and I wanted to share some thoughts that I jotted down while in class one Sunday.  It has to do with men and bravery and what having courage as a man or a woman means to me.  I wrote the below little series of thoughts in class...


BAVERY OF A MAN.......


So for this I will reference the Vivaldi Brothers - the Vivaldi Brother's were two brother's from Genoa, who in 1291 set out to explore India and were lost at sea never to be found again, seriously sad.  I took a whole semester on the shaping of the modern world history and that is the only thing I remember.  I know, that's really pathetic.  But anyway, I mention the Vivaldi brother's because when I think of a BRAVE MEN they come to mind.  


To me, a brave man is not one that is strong enough in muscle mass, that he can lift someone up by the collar pin that person up on a wall and punch them in the face.  Actually if you have big muscles and you use them to go around beating on smaller men, I would probably consider that a coward move. 


Bravery to me is the Vivaldi Brother's.  Two men who set out on an expedition to find new lands, to explore new worlds and to learn and seek new wonders without fear of their fate, to grow become knowledgable and seek wisdom.  That to me is brave.  I think if I would of been a man, I would have already traveled and experienced all sorts of things.  Many times in my life I have not done things, because I have children and I can't, but for the most part, I take huge chances.  


To me a brave man is not afraid to take chances in life, he is willing to work hard in whatever field he chooses and he does so with self respect and honor.  A brave man is not afraid to go after what he wants.  A brave man is not afraid to speak his mind and seek the truth.  A brave man wants to constantly learn new things, explore new territories and find wisdom.  A brave man is not afraid to love and be loved to respect others and expect to be treated with respect.  That's what I find to be brave.  


I believe that women need to be brave as well.  But I am not going to write about women's bravery because quite frankly, when you think of the word brave, automatically men come to mind.  Yet a woman needs to be brave, in order to withstand all the things that we must do to survive in this world that is full of weak scared men.  Maybe all along, we have been wrong, maybe in reality, the word BRAVE should be used to describe women.  Women are the one's that go around doing brave things these days.  


If you are a man that is always afraid to live.  I think it's time for you to stand in front of a mirror, grab what you have between your legs, hold them up and stare at them as you do so.  If you see them, then act like you have them.  And if you don't see them, then buy something to grow them.  The Vivaldi brother's had some real balls!


And that is all I have to say about that -  Quote from Forrest Gump.  


Oh, in case you don't know, I LOVE QUOTING MOVIES.....

Adele - Rolling In The Deep [With Lyrics]

Love this song! she's so edgy, she made this song that sounds like disco and it's a hit! LOVE IT!

A Pesar del Tiempo - Mickey Taveras (letra e imagenes)

This is what happens when I can't sleep.  I think of my old salsa romantica..... 


Damn! this makes me want to go to Colombia to that little spot in Pereira.  So romantic!

Pitbull - Give Me Everything ft. Ne-Yo, Afrojack, Nayer

SOOOO HAPPY!!! WOOO HOOO!!!

GAY AND PROUD OF IT! CELEBRATE GAY PRIDE!

I'm half asleep because I couldn't sleep last night, I caught a late movie with my daughter after begging EVERYONE to come with me.  I have two boys who no longer wish to hang out with me so, thank God for my baby girl.  Here I am trying to nap before I get out and run around for the day.  But I can't stop thinking about writing this because I have been thinking about it for about three days.


I went to see XMen and I thought it was pretty decent, however, as with all or most movies I think it is safe to assume that most times, writers who write scripts are often trying not only to make a movie entertaining but also trying to convey a message to the audience.  Obviously we sometimes come out of movies thinking wow, that movie was great it reminded me of xyz.  Last night, the whole time I was watching the movie, I kept thinking about the message XMen was trying to convey and to me that message was LOVE ALL PEOPLE WITH OUT DISCRIMINATION WE ARE ALL ALIKE!


With that said, I need to talk about a subject that is very near and dear to me.  My uncle/aunt Carlos/Margaret may his/her soul rest in peace died of Aids about 11 years ago.  I cannot begin to describe the love that I had for this WONDERFUL/AMAZING HUMAN BEING! My uncle was absolutely AMAZING! and he was GAY! I have always been discriminated against for one thing or the other and I must tell you that, feeling like you don't belong in one sort of group is really hard.  I personally have never felt like I belong in one place as I am very different from many people.  No, maybe I don't look a certain way and I'm not bisexual or gay or any of that.  But I am most certainly not your average woman.  I constantly get judged.  Yes, I'M WEIRD!


Yet having had the opportunity to know and love my uncle, gave me the courage to be myself regardless of what others may or may not think of me.  My uncle was a cowboy.  Like a REAL COWBOY.  He was born and raised in a farm in Colombia and he milked cows, he farmed, he worked in coffee and sugar cane fields and he raised animals and rode horses.  My uncle was a "real man" but my uncle did not like women, he was born with more female genes then male one's.  When he was growing up, my grandfather (may his souls rest in peace) could tell that his youngest of 5 boys did not act like a "boy should" ever since he was very young everyone sort of knew it but they did not want to accept it.  My grandfather couldn't handle that, yet at one point, him and the rest of my uncle's, stopped trying to get him to sleep with woman because my uncle Carlos did not like women, he liked men.  Yet the fact that men were his sexual preference did not change the fact that he was a caring, loving, generous extraordinary human being. 


When I would go to Colombia for the summers as a teen, I would go visit my grandfather at his farm and my uncle Carlos would sleep with me and tell me stories and wake me up to hugs and kisses.  He would listen to my boy stories and do my hair and make me laugh and sometimes cry.  He taught me how to milk a cow and ride a horse and always always gave me unconditionally love.   


As an adult, one day I went to Colombia to go visit and he had moved out of the farm and into the Capital of the Country, where he was better accepted.  He told me once how they had beat him up just because he was different, I couldn't understand why people would hurt someone based on the fact that he chose not to like the opposite sex.  I know that he went through very painful situations because being "gay" was not accepted especially if you were a "cowboy" if you were a "cowboy" you have better been a man's man! My uncle wasn't, he was born that way and he couldn't help what he felt.  Anyway, when I arrived in Colombia and he picked me up at the airport he was dressed in drag and when I saw him, I was so EXTREMELY PROUD OF HIM! because he did not GIVE A DAMN! about what people thought, he KNEW WHO HE WAS! he didn't care that the WHOLE ENTIRE BOGOTA COLOMBIAN AIRPORT WAS STARING AT HIM! And I did not GIVE A DAMN! THAT THE WHOLE ENTIRE BOGOTA COLOMBIAN AIRPORT WAS STARRING AT ME FOR HUGGING AND KISSING MY UNCLE WHO I LOVE!!!! Everyone was staring at him as if he was someone from another planet.  But my uncle wore his dress with pride because that is who he was, he was more of a woman than a man by birth.  But his cloths or sexual preferences did not define him.  


He taught me very valuable lessons in life.  We must love and accept ourselves in order to live a fruitful life.  We need to not pass judgements on ourselves and others because NO ONE IS PERFECT.  If you are what you are then go out there and let the world know it! DON'T BE ASHAMED! who ever does not accept you, then you do not need them in your life.  It is really really hard not to judge we all do it.  But it is important to accept that we are humans and make mistakes, but we can also correct them and work on them.  We should try to see people for who they are not what their sexual preferences are.  There are some extremely amazing gay people that I know and love.  We should all unite as one because we are all the same.


I hope to walk in the gay pride parade on June 26th, because I believe in this cause.  Stop the gay discrimination! let people who love one another marry each other if they choose to.  THIS WORLD NEEDS MORE LOVE!  and CHANGE BEGINS WITH ME!


I invite you to watch this very touching video.  Please, don't hate on people simply because they are different.  


AND REMEMBER THAT LOVE IS ALL THAT IS REQUIRED TO KNOW HOW TO BEHAVE IN PROPER MANNER.  


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_kJzpk-MsrI

Nicki Minaj - Moment 4 Life (Clean Version) ft. Drake

I fly with the stars in the skies, I am no longer trying to survive, I believe that life is a prize, But to live doesn't mean you're alive....... Tell E'M Nicki! Love it!

I wish that I could have this moment for life.   This is my moment I just feel so alive!  

Young Money - Bed Rock

Edward Maya - This Is My Life (Official Music Video) [HD]

You know I have to put this on my blog......THIS IS MY LIFE....LOVE THIS BEAT!

THE FINISH LINE

Dear Journal 6-16-2011


Today I ran my very first race and it was absolutely awesome! 3.5 miles in Central Park with a bunch of awesome people from my company.  Today, I am so proud of myself, because I know now that no matter what I want to do, I will.


I decided that I did not want to advertise you today, because this is my personal accomplishment that I don't need to share with everyone.  Yet this is here on my live journal, because if there is anyone that ever wants to read it, they can.  This is not about my Ego this is about my life, my accomplishment.  This is only my first race, I am certain that there will be many more to come.


I felt some pain at the second mile but I never stopped running.  When I crossed the finish line they said my name, THAT WAS AWESOME! especially because names were being said in random, so for the first time ever, I was winning something! I was winning them calling my name.  I COULD NOT BELIEVE IT!


Hard work pays off.  I am happy today.....I was full of RAJA and the energy around me was amazing, I kept thinking this is true happiness, this is life.


It was a good day.  My time in the race was 40.25.  Hard work pays off.


Good night my sweet journal....

JAZZY YOU LYING CONNIVING BIT#H!

For the last 6 days, a total of 336 emails have accumulated in a fake mailbox that I created for my project.  http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2011/06/jazzys-social-experiment-lying.html 336 letters from strange men, ready to talk to a 32 year old woman from Queens, NYC.  Here I am, I think to myself as I raise my hand in my mind.  I feel like I'm in a fake world, and I am the fakest one of all.  Here I am, but I'm not that woman.  That's my picture but that's not really me.

I am not that woman, I don't know how to be an actress I don't know how to act like I'm 32 and I most certainly don't know how to be a lying conniving fake.

I wasn't able to bring myself to answer not even half of those emails and let alone meet any of those people.  There were some jerks that wrote me emails I have no doubt about that.  And I did respond to a few, but it took way more effort then I thought it would and it was not fun at all.  I kept thinking, what if there is even one, that is really looking for someone special, and here I am, lying already.  


I cannot bring myself to go through with this project, because just trying to answer an email is a challenge, and time consuming, time that I do not really have.  I cringed every time I sent one out.  Imagine trying to meet up with one of these men?  I kept playing out scenarios in my mind how I would act around them, should I end up meeting them and I realized that I would not be able to carry on an act or a lie.

I could not for the last few days stop thinking about what I was going to do, and even more so, what was my purpose behind it?  How would men act if I was more of a "damsel in distress" and then I thought, but that is the truth I am a damsel in distress.  I do want help, I do want a best friend, I do want someone to ask me how I am doing and care about my ambitions goals and dreams and most of all I do want love.  When the time is right.

So, what act would I really be putting up? I am only good at one act and that is the act that I put up every single day. Because ultimately, we are all actors of our own lives, my life, is my own movie and I have to act the way that feels right to me.

And everyday my act goes a little something like this..... Hi I'm Jazzy and I can handle it all! I am ok! I don't need anyone!! I got this! Who cares if you don't care about me act! Yes, I have to act this way because that's life and it is reality.  And we have to be ok and be strong and handle situations and challenges that are put in our lives every single day, because thats just how it is, it is called life and living.  But while we are in this everyday act, we should also act with love, honor and pride.  Respect ourselves and others.  Be mindful of other peoples feelings and accept that everything doesn't always revolve around our selves and that we are all in this together.  We are one.  Honesty, sincerity and love.

What would I have learned about myself and men that I don't already know? The fact that we are all afraid because taking chances takes courage? The fact that we judge people wrongly without giving them a chance? The fact that we build walls to see who cares enough to brake through them? Because maybe someone has hurt us or we are not ready? Or the fact that the ultimate reward that we all seek is to feel an intimacy with someone else that we feel connected to, that can constantly bring us to sexual ecstasy and fulfill our natural human desire to love and be loved? I already know this, all to well.  I need not lie to a bunch of people to figure that out.

That 32 year old woman does not exist, the only woman that does is this one.  The one that could not write a story of how she tricked some guy for her own amusement and that of others.

Maybe one day, after I obtain my psychology degree, I will conduct a real study on male behavior, one that will serve a greater good.  One that will serve as a means to a more meaningful result.  But for now, my experiment concludes here.

I am sorry if I let anyone down, but I really tried, I tried and I failed.  I did nothing but think about this.  I would open up the email and feel horrible.  I would answer one and cringe.  Some men that I wrote to once or twice were being really nice to me, and I felt horrible.

This morning, I sent a message to my friend Sean and told him I could not go through with it, and he told me that it was ok, that at least I tried.

My biggest challenge in life has been accepting who I really am and no experiment will change me, only me wanting to change will change who I am, That's the reality.

If I am lucky one day and someone comes into my life and supports my efforts, accepts my assertiveness and aggressive nature, helps me to trust in love and relationships again, then that's awesome.  Until then, I am content with spending time with my children, with my friends and my family.  With running and writing and studying and learning how to be a better me.  Lying is not one of my strengths I'm sorry.

Take me as I am, or watch me as I go.  That's how it should be for each and everyone of us.

Thank you.

D-DAY! RACE IS HERE WOOOO HOOOO!!!

I CANNOT believe, that tomorrow I will be running my very first race! HOW FUCKING COOL IS THAT???? woooo hooooo!!!!!! I know that a 5K race is not very significant in terms of distance, but to me this is HUGE! I cannot believe that on January, 13th I was writing about my goal and here I am ready to go. http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2011/01/my-road-to-race.html


I have to say that I am really nervous about this.  I am not competitive in nature at all, so for me this is not really about winning or getting to the finish line in a certain amount of time.  To me, this is about the fact that I set a goal in January as a "new year's resolution" which I never ever really do and I am actually going to accomplish it. 

I have been running every week at the minimum 3 times a week.  If I ran less then that at any point, it was because at I was running so much I hurt myself, but other than that I have stayed true to my goal and of course to my lovely journal.  To you, whom ever you are reading this my life.  I cannot tell you the inspiration I feel when I know that at some point, I will have to write about this, my goal, my journey! If even one pair of eyes are set on this entry then that is enough for me and I want to say THANK YOU! for wanting to know how I'm doing with my goals.


I also want to tell you, whomever you are, that if I can do it SO CAN YOU! I am no different than anyone else.  I struggle everyday with life, with thoughts, with feelings and the only difference between you and I, is that I come on here my journal and share them with you.  I am so proud of myself for tomorrow, I have worked really hard for this and I only hope that this is the beginning of a new time in my life.  I LOVE TO RUN! the feeling of it I cannot describe, when I run nothing else matters, I feel free!


Anyway, I will come back and report on how I did.  I'm so nervous and anxious, I only hope I can sleep tonight.


Ps. I have not lost any weight, I cannot shut my mouth from stuffing it with cake, ice cream and yes McDonald's (insert sad face here)Maybe that should be my next goal, to shut my trap and only put in it, healthy food! WE SHALL SEE!


Thanks for your support!

THAT'S MY NUMBER WOOO HOOO! SORRY I DIDN'T KNOW HOW TO TURN THE STUPID PICTURE AROUND AND I HAVE TO...........RUN......... GET IT!!!!

ALL ABOUT KEV.W.

I simply must tell you all about KEV.W. why? you are probably wondering? well, because I just feel like it.


I met Kev, last year around March or something at my favorite bar in NYC.  My favorite bar is the dollar bar any dollar bar.  There are a few in NYC I met him at one in the Upper West side of Manhattan.  This bar to me is simply Da Bomb!  I especially like the well, dollar beers on Wednesdays.  Every single time I go there, I always tell myself that I am only going to have 3 beers and go home.  But instead, I always have way more then 3 and I always come out of there with some sort of story.  This one however I simply must share.


I'm sitting at the bar and this blonde kid is sitting not to far from me, at first I didn't really notice him but after I had a few drinks in me and everyone was talking to everyone, I'm not even sure how him and I started talking but we did.  The best thing about the dollar bar, is that everyone just starts talking to everyone, it feels like everyone know's each other, meanwhile everyone there is from all over the city and often there are people from foreign lands, just hanging out getting all kinds of drunk.  It's AWESOME.  Oh and the fact that one of the bartenders is HOT makes it even more pleasurable to hang out there.  


Anyway, Kev and I start chatting and he starts talking all this shit on how he is in the entertainment business and how he is not going to let people use him and he is this and that.  So at that point, I'm like whatever, this dude must not know about me and the fact that money and power, means absolutely nothing to me.  So I lost complete interest and he gave me his number and I never spoke to him again.


On New Year's eve of 2010, I get on my phone and send out a mass txt message to almost everyone on my phone and all of a sudden I get this message from someone that says, sorry who is this.  Well, I have a few Kev's on my phone contact list because there are so many of them in NY and everywhere else for that matter.  So I'm like it's me Jazz is this Kev xyz's little brother? and he's like no, you have me confused.  Now I'm thinking WTF! who the hell is this, but I continue to talk to him and I'm like well how do I know you.  So now we are both curious not knowing who the hell we each are and I'm thinking... damn, if he was a cutie I am sure I would of remembered, this is so weird.  I must admit however, that all of NYC probably has my phone number by now.  I have had it for years and No, not because I'm a player, but because who cares it's not like I have to actually talk to people.  And, it's really hard not to give your number out, because now a days, you can't go around writing your number down on paper, like I used to.  I would give the wrong name and number.  Now, the person will stand in your face and be like call me right now so your number can register on my phone FML! but since I always feel bad to disrespect people or make them feel bad, I'll just be like ok and I'll give out the number.


Anyway, finally a few days after we are talking, because now we start talking trying to find out things about each other, he's like I'm going to email you my pic.  When he does and I see it, I'm like wow he's so cute, what the hell was I thinking? why didn't I ever call him??? so then I keep looking at the picture and I'm like holly shit! that's that dude that was talking mad shit that night! OH GOD! so I did what Jazzy does best.  I told him straight up what I was thinking, I was like I remember you know, you did xyz at xyz bar and of course he was really embarrassed and apologetic.  I decided to meet up with Kev and I have to say, that it was one of the best choices I have ever made.  Kev, was simply awesome! so not the prick I met on his drunk night.  


I found out about Kev that he was indeed in the entertainment industry, but he was just starting.  He had recently graduated from some University in the Midwest or something and now he was in NY ready to make his dream happen.  He is a booking agent, making moves and trying to get paid.


So, why am I writing about Kev??? well, I consider Kev one of the people that was my transitional man, and by that I will tell you what I mean.  Before I met Kev, I was in as I like to call it, my shell.  I really like my shell, that's where I stay when I have had it with men and people in general.  I was in my shell because I had just lived an experience with someone who was really young who sort of broke my heart a bit and I was really confused as to what I wanted (I'm still confused though) But what I mean is that at that time I really was focusing in school and trying to get my thoughts together and I just wanted to be left the hell alone.  Hibernating in my warm apartment for the winter.  


But when Kev comes along so awesome and sweet I couldn't get passed the thought that he was young and only wanted one thing from me and I refuse to be someone else's "older woman" experience.  There I was,  judging him on his age.  Still I refused to be played for a fool.  So I tell Kev, listen I can't talk to you anymore, I am looking for something more meaningful, I want something more serious and Kev says to me, ok, that takes time but I like you so ok let's take it slow.  At that moment, it happened, yup that feeling of anxiety and nausea that I get when someone wants to get close.  I initially said to Kev that I wanted something meaningful with the thought that by me telling him that, he would leave me alone, but on the contrary he was like OK.  And I did what I have done best in a while.  I freaked!  


But that's not really why I am writing about Kev.  Kev was really patient with me, we didn't even see each other for like 2 months and he left me alone to do what I was doing.  But he would often send me messages to check up on me.  I only ended up seeing Kev like 2x because I was so extremely busy, I literally had no time to spend with anyone.  The first time we saw each other, we had a few beers and the second time, we had dinner.  But the second time I saw him and we got to talking, I knew for a fact that I was not ready for what I had told him and that I was not being honest and that I still wanted to be in my shell, because there, I felt more comfortable.  I told him about Magic http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2011/06/how-jazzy-got-her-groove-back.html you know, the guy that was half my age who kind of helped me get my "relationship groove back" and I told him how I wrote this blog and how who ever I end up with, needs to be comfortable with the fact that I might just end up or actually if I'm with someone, I will most definitely write about them.  And how that would have to be something this person would need to feel comfortable about, because this is my journal.  


Kev's answer to what I said, made me want to eat him up.  I felt like he would of been a very supportive person and I really liked that, he even asked me if there was something on here about him.  The funny thing was, that I had fully intended to write about him, but I had just not really gotten around to it.  I told him not yet and he laughed.  He told me to promise him that once I wrote my book, he would be my booking agent.  I told him yes and we both laughed.  Sure, people always say things like these, but sometimes in saying little things like these it kind of gives you an idea about the person you are dealing with.  Sure it's all talk, but still it's the little thoughtful things that someone says to you, that really makes that person someone you always remember.


After that night that we had dinner, I decided the next morning that I was not ready for anything with anyone and that I preferred, to be honest with him and myself and tell him that.  I did and he did not talk to me again.  This made me sad but I understood him.  The last time I heard from him was on mother's day.  I got a text message from a strange number and when I asked who it was (I had deleted his number from my phone so I wouldn't be tempted to call him) he told me it was him and I was really touched.  I realized that day, that Kev had really good intentions with me and all I knew to do was judge him based on other people's behavior towards me.


I think of Kev often, but I rather leave things that way.  Honestly, I am not very comfortable with the fact that he is indeed in the entertainment business and that although we didn't talk on a daily basis, it was more like once a week or something like that, every now and then, I would ask him what was going on and he would be in some show somewhere.  I know that this is going to sound stupid, but honestly, I don't want to know that every time I turn around, my man is in some show where there are all these desperate girls trying to rub elbows with him to try and get somewhere for free or meet a celebrity or something (I know, very insecure) but it's true he is young and cute and hanging out with celebs, duh! what else am I suppose to think??? Also, if I called him now, what am I suppose to say? hey Kev by the way, I thought about it for the last 6 months and ok, maybe we can do this.  


Also, I don't feel like the sexual chemistry that I need to feel for a man was there either.  It is important for me to feel sexually attractive to a man and that one is a tough one.  I may think a guy is HOT but that does not mean I find him sexually attractive.  It's hard for men to understand that about a woman, but it is absolutely true or at least for me, if I don't feel it, I don't.  Although I think that had I given him a chance, I would of developed it.  He was definitely handsome and just the sweetest guy I have met in a long time.  But then again, aren't they all when you first start getting to know them??? Non the less, I think I made the right choice, I was not ready and therefore I did not want to play with someone's feelings.


I have to say though, that I loved Kev's drive, hard work and dedication to his passion.  I have ABSOLUTELY NO DOUBT IN MY MIND that one day, Kev will be rubbing elbows with some big shots in the entertainment business.  And when that happens, I hope I find out about it so that I can tell him, remember that day when I told you so? I don't know if he will ever read this, I don't bother him because I don't want to got there.  But Kev,  if you do, then this is what I had to say about you.


Go GET EM TIGGER!


Oh and one more thing, I say my transitional man (even though he was never my man) but I say that, because after talking to him, I am not afraid to ask questions like...What do you want from me? before Kev I was always nervous about asking people valid questions.  Is it not ok to ask someone what they want? I used to think that asking was wrong.  Or rather, I didn't ask because I was always afraid to.  It's ok to ask and it's even more ok to answer I don't know or I need time or just being honest.  I was honest with him and with myself.  I am proud of me for that.


Alright, time for Jazzy to go sleepy!

Meiko - Under My Bed

Last Saturday, I was in my car with my niece and my kids and I asked my niece to put this song on. I had not heard it for a while but I really wanted to.  Well, when she put it on, I sang it at the top of my lungs and cried uncontrollably.


I don't know what that means, but I will tell you this.  That class we are taking has really helped.  After the song was over, I wiped my tears and kept on as if nothing had just happened.  I lived that moment, I embraced those feelings and then I let it go.  I felt like a true warrior, I was proud of myself.  Or maybe, it's just that I let it go a long time ago and it doesn't affect me anymore like it once did I hope it shall be the latter.  Although being a warrior would be amazing. 

Regardless, I will always keep you in that little spot I once wrote about. The little piece of my heart that no one will ever touch.


Moving on is difficult, but never impossible.......

You changed my life forever......

I FEEL LIKE I'M KISSING AN ASHTRAY YUK!

Last week, I heard from two different friends this same story.  I have primarily male friends because I reallly get along well with the opposite sex.  I have female friends as well, but very few.  It's always been that way, ever since I was younger.  I just really enjoy friendships with men better then women.

My male friends always come to me for advice and I usually while they are telling me these female horror stories, I'm usually in disbelief and almost want to take notes on what NOT to do if I'm ever in a relationship again.  But of course the reality is that each and every person is their own world and although most humans behave in the same manner due in part to social and ethical rules.  There are some people that are just really unique in ways that others may not understand them.

Last week, one of my male friends was telling me that he was sick and tired of his girlfriend smoking and how he had given her an ultimatum of him or the cigarettes.  Then, last night I'm talking to another friend who was having the same issue with his girl.  When they told me this, I automatically had flash backs about my experience with this situation.

So the first thing I asked them both was, when you met her did she smoke? Both of them answered yes.  And so that leads me to what this blog post is about.  This topic is something that I strongly believe in and although we all as adults know this all to well, we still refuse to accept it.


Ever heard of the phrase...."you can't teach an old dog new tricks?"

People will ONLY EVER CHANGE a habit or something about their personality, ONLY, AND if they themselves wish to change it.  End of story!

Why is it so hard for us as human beings to recognize and accept this? Furthermore, why is it that when we become serious with another individual meaning once we have formed a serious relationship, we always start trying to change little things about the other person.  Didn't you know this about the person going in? Why do we use our love for each other as a tool to manipulate each other? I DON'T UNDERSTAND THAT!  


That's not what love and relationships are about. When we are in love with someone, we are supposed to accept them just as they are.  Of course there will always be things that each individual can decide on self improving, but it shouldn't be based on the request of the other person or on the fact that the other person is giving you an ultimatum.  That is not love, that is manipulation of the love the two individuals share.  


Love is accepting the person just as they are.  Now, I'm not saying that when you are in a relationship, you can't tell the person you love, that you would really like it if they wouldn't do xyz.  However, you shouldn't expect that person to change whatever you are requesting them to change just because all of a sudden, that habit or that personality trait that you knew this person had, is annoying you. 


When we are in a couple situation, and the person you love makes a request of you, then you should think about it and if you decide to change it, it should be because you yourself recognize the validity of the request.  But to right out let someone manipulate you based on the fact that they know you love them or vice versa is just plain wrong.  And ultimately these situations can put a big burden on the relationship.  If you choose to change something that the person you love is requesting of you, it should be based on the fact that you love yourself enough to see it also and accept that maybe the requestor has a valid point.  


You always have to love yourself, before you can love someone else.  Why? because only when we love ourself, can we understand that the request of the person we are with, is valid and genuine.  That this person who loves us is asking something of us, because they identify things that maybe we are lacking and when someone truly loves you, they want you to be the best you can be.  


In the case of a cigarette, or any habit that is adapted and not a personally trait, then obviously the requestor is only asking this of you because they love you and care for you enough that they want you to be healthy.  I think that when a couple identifies these things and both are willing to try to change things because they feel that the request is genuine and based on love not manipulations then if you can make that happen, it will only make the relationship stronger.

My ex husband met me as a smoker.  A couple of years down the line he started complaining about my smoking. I understood that he was concerned about my health and I knew that quitting would ultimately be for to my best interest and health.  Yet I did not want to quit, I enjoyed smoking.  One day, I went to kiss him and he turned away from me and was like, I'm not kissing you again, I feel like I'm kissing an ashtray! When he said that, I was both embarrassed and extemely pissed off and also very hurt.  How fucking dare he! We had been together for a long time and he had always kissed me with no problem, yet all of a sudden it was a problem.

So, what did I do? I  cold turkey stopped smoking or at least that's what he thought.  I let him manipulate me because I could not, "so I thought" live without his kisses.  Of course when ever I could and he wasn't around, I would smoke to my hearts contentment.  And if I would get caught, we would get into huge arguments.  I started feeling as if I didn't have a husband, but rather I had a father.  I started feeling resentment towards my husband based on this.

So what happens when we start to try and manipulate the person we love by using just that, their love for us? Well, I'm no relationship expert, but based on my own experiences, it's obvious to me that doing such things only servers as a gate way to big problems.

My friend KJ once told me, Jazzy, you can ask someone to quit a habit and hope that they will, because it's a habit and habits can be broken, but you can't ask a person to change something about their personalities and expect them to do it just to please you.  Yes, maybe they will for a little while, to make you happy, but ultimately we only change when we really want to when we are really ready to do so.

This is so extremely true.  In one of my favorite books, Men Woman and Relationships.  The first thing that Dr. John Gray explains, is that self actualization is a step we should take for ourselves and that accepting our loved one just as they are, is a key component of a successful relationship.  He explains that our unique differences make for a long lasting successful relationship only when we learn how to embrace the other persons differences from our own.  I particularly think that this is awesome.  


Honestly speaking, I think that if I was with someone just like me, I would probably want to kill him.  I'm not the easiest person in the world.  But I am open to change and being better.  Maybe if my husband would of known better or even if I would of known better, things wouldn't have become so bitter.  And a small thing wouldn't have become a big thing.  However, it was and it did.  I'm not blaming him.  I'm blaming us for not trying or educating ourselves enough to make it work.


I also know that in my marriage, I completely changed or tried to change who I was, just to please my man.  I did all of that for absolutely nothing because here I am writing about it because I am no longer with him.  


The worst part is that once I was out of the relationship, I felt like I had been let out of a 10year bid in a penitentary that was my life.  Once I was single, I went on a mission to try to prove to myself who I really was, because in trying to please him, I lost myself.

I started smoking again as soon as I became single because well "I felt like it" and no one could tell me shit.  Now I think about that and wonder if that wasn't just me rebelling against him.  Almost like saying, look we broke up and I'm doing exactly what bothers you.  Ultimately though, I was hurting myself, we all know all to well that smoking isn't healthy.

I have since quit smoking, I don't enjoy it and I prefer to have a healthier life.  I love to run and when I was running while I was still smoking, it felt horrible.  I quit, because I was ready to, not because some one told me I had to. I quit, because I have slowly learned how to love myself, accept myself and understand that he who will love me one day, will have to love me, just as I am.  


I learned that by allowing someone to manipulate me by using the love I had for him, I was only hurting myself and even him.  We were so different yet I wanted to do anything to please him, even if that caused me to be un happy.

Basically my point with this blog post is, instead of going around trying to change the person we love, why don't we give them the freedom to make their own personal choices and respect them as individuals.  Just because you are with someone, that doesn't make them your property.  Respecting each other's individuality is extremely important.


I am no expert in psychology or relationships or any of that. However, I enjoy reading self help books and always try to learn from my mistakes.  I constantly try to be a better me, because being a better me, will make me a better mother, daughter, sister, friend and one day a better partner to someone who comes into my life.  


It is important to make sure that when we are in love with someone, we constantly remind ourselves of what was the thing that made us love them in the first place and use that as a focus to not become to critical of the new things that we may start to see that we all of a sudden "don't like" about the one we love.  Being in a successful relationship takes a lot of love and understanding and patience and trust and communication.  But also, we have to understand that we as individuals are constantly changing and that change is necessary and good.


Remember, take me as I am, or watch me as I go.  Don't loose the one you love over petty things that can easily be remedied.


And that is all Dr. Jazzy has to say about that.... over and out!

Big Pun - Still Not A Player

My baby boy's favorite Rapper.... Not mine....

50 Cent - 21 Questions ft. Nate Dogg

Love it! Love this video, love this song!

I love you like a fat kid loves cake.  You know my style, I say anything to make you smile.

When you love someone, you support them through thick and thin!

lollipop lil wayne

This song is degrading to women and I don't really care for lil wayne, so why do I love this song so much! WHEN IT COMES ON, I NEED TO DANCE! THAT BEAT IS HOT!

SOCIAL PROJECT - RESPONSES

A few days back, I decided to start a social experiment, http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2011/06/jazzys-social-experiment-lying.html where I would date as many people as I could to try and prove my crazy theories on men and women and relationships.  Actually that's the title of a book I really like.  Men Women and Relationships.  I Love the way it sounds so I just had to write it on here.  On a serious note though, what I decided to do was to place an AD on Craig List and tell men that I was younger and had only one child and that I lived in a different place and just a bunch of lies with the ultimate goal of me not being me and seeing if I acted like a "damsel in distress" would it make men feel more comfortable around me or in pursuing me in a different way.

I finally placed the AD on Friday, and it wasn't until yesterday at like 2am that I finally started to respond to the AD responses.  I got about 220 responses and I honestly have to say that I was extremely overwhelmed by it.  I should be happy right? but the honest truth is that right now I feel like crawling back into my shell and staying there all summer long.  I don't want to talk to anyone or meet anyone or continue with this stupid experiment that is more of a chore then anything else.  But, I am true to my projects and I am not going to quit.  

I go into my email briefly I answer a few responses and then I just don't want to be bothered.  But I will tell you briefly what my responses have been like.

One guy sent me a picture of his penis and my response to him was......Dear XYZ, thanks for the nice picture but my AD did not require a picture of your privates.  It seems to me you are looking to get laid, good luck with that.

Another guy said, I am married but I would love to have a lil affair, I am good at finding the GSpot.....to him my response was......... Dear XYZ, you should find your wife's GSpot, good luck.

Another guy, I started writing to him and on the third email or so that he sent me, he was like what is your biggest summer fantasy.  To him, I must admit that I was honest to, I told him that my biggest fantasy for this summer was to be at a resort with a good book and a drink.  I asked him what his was and he said mine sounded nice.  Then, on the like 4th email, he says, What's your biggest turn on? so my response to that was..... Listen XYZ it appears that what you are interested in is making this into a sexual conversation and I am not interested in having such a conversation with you.  I don't think I am the woman you are seeking.  Good luck with finding love.

Another one also married, said something like....I'm not very happy in my relationship I would love to have a secret affair.... maybe not the exact words but something like that, my response was........Dear XYZ you need to get out of that relationship asap, if your not happy, why are you in it? Good luck!

Someone else also was married and said something like...... I am looking for something discreet.... So I responded.....Dear XYZ.... What a horrible thing to do to your wife! 

If you are following what I am writing here, then I need not continue to tell you that I am completely disappointed in men in general.  It's really depressing seeing these types of responses.  I sort of knew this though because this is not the first time that I have placed AD's and well Craig List isn't the best place to place an AD like this.  But still, this was supposed to be a fun project and like I said it's not fun at all.

There were actually some men that were very nice with their responses, complimenting me on my picture and then saying things like, I just want an HONEST person.  The key word is HONEST, to those people, I didn't even respond.  I don't think I can do this.  But, I will not give up.  I know that as I continue to respond things will die down and then I will end up with the one's who I might go out for coffee with.  But, I have to admit, that I am not really looking forward to it.  I kind of just want to forget the whole thing and just spend my summer enjoying it with my children.  After this initial phase of my project I just ended up feeling empty and shallow.  

I will keep updating my blog with my project.  But don't be disappointed if I end up with nothing exciting to tell.  Because the truth is, that although some may not believe what I write on my journal to be true.  I write from my heart, this is my JOURNAL it's my real life story that I am sharing with the world.  I go to creative writing classes because I'm not good at making stories up.  I write NON-Fiction.

And this IS, my journal.......THANKS FOR VISITING....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qHm9MG9xw1o

Wisin & Yandel - Estoy Enamorado

Dear Sister:

I LOVE YOU! you introduced me to this song and I absolutely LOVE IT! It doesn't remind me of anyone for me, because I am not in love with anyone (thank God) but I know it reminds you of the one you love, which is why when I listen to it, I think of you.

I may not always agree with your decisions, but I will ALWAYS have your back, until the DAY I DIE! I LOVE YOU LIL SISTER!

WRITING About YOU!!!! HOW DARE YOU DOUBT ME!!!!!

I just had the time of my life! why? cause I was having beers at the local bar, where the bartender (girl) was really nice to me! she gave me two free beers and introduced me to all the people in my new neighborhood.


But let's get down to why I'm blogging at 4:00 am EST. For one, it's raining in NYC and I'm feeling nice! LOVE ME SOME BEERS ON A SATURDAY NIGHT! I just answered about 20 emails on my post on Craigs List.  I got about 220 responses and if you don't believe me then FUCK YOU! ask me if I give a fuck??? NOPE I DON'T!


But, I did, I got 220 emails of lonely men in NYC looking to get laid.  Let's keep it real, they don't want to marry a 32 year old Latina, they are thinking about getting laid.  As I was answering the emails, I kept having to pause to make sure I would answer them as the "other" girl so sometimes I would come off aggressive and I would have to re-read the email before sending it.  Most often then not, I had to re-write stuff.  Already I know one thing about myself, I'm AGGRESSIVE! DUH! it only took me this long to find that little fact out.  I know why I'm aggressive, it's not because I don't give a fuck, it's just because well, I don't give a fuck! fuck everyone! there is no one giving me my bread to take care of my babies, so whatever!


But, maybe if I tone it down a notch I will get better results???


Now, down to real business, YOU, yeah YOU! the one who told me that you don't believe in my blog! HOW DARE YOU! you had me thinking about YOU all day long! I DON'T LIKE THAT SHIT! Ok, maybe a little.  But, for starters, since you don't believe my blog then what I am about to write, you won't believe so I can say it......


HOW DARE YOU! walk around in your military uniform looking all proper making women crazy! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU ARE YOU CRAZY! and being all intelligent in meetings talking about how you are learning how to fly helicopters??? I think you were full of it! ok, maybe not, since we were in front of a bunch of professionals that were looking at you as the future of America.


So here is the truth..... 


I am EXTREMELY flattered, that you have come into my world and even more so flattered that the last thing you said to me was, btw I don't believe your blog posts!  When I read that, I was sad/happy! sad that you don't believe me, happy that you took time out of your life to read what this crazy Colombian 39 year old woman has to say.  I can assure you that I do not make up stories, if I did, then that means you are a figment of my imagination and that YOU ARE NOT! you are extremely real or at least I thought I saw you with your a military uniform on, representing USA! and in the meeting talking about how you will be flying helicopters.  So, yes, my blog is full of shit! you are but just a fragment of my crazy Colombian imagination and I never sat in a meeting with you, I never saw you sitting at your desk and I never talked to you at the restaurant.  Nope, all made up shit!


But, since you will be our nations finest, I need to tell you the following under the much influence of Coors Light!


Thank you! for loving this country just as much as I do! I was born in Colombia in 1971 I'm a hippie as my friend Nacho so often called me.  He would make fun of me in a loving way.  I came here at 6 years old and have never left again.  When I became a citizen, I was probably one of the only idiots crying at the ceremony.  I LOVE THIS NATION! I LOVE NY, AND RIGHT ABOUT NOW, I LOVE YOU! FOR WANTING TO DEFEND OUR COUNTRY! GOD BLESS YOU! YOU ARE AWESOME!


I hope that one day, when you are on one of your fighter planes somewhere up in the sky, and you are being some big military show off! you think of us mere mortals that depend on your love for this country to take good care of us! I am sooo proud to know you! and even more so, I am proud that you took time out to read my blog! ALL DAY LONG I THOUGHT OF WHAT TO SAY ABOUT YOU! and all I could think of is, AWESOME! you are what I call a MAN! and I hope and wish you all the very best of luck ALWAYS! I also hope that you will keep your promise to me.  No need to talk about it on here.  But you know what I'm talking about.


Anyway, enough alcoholic writing.  Time for Jazzy to go sleepy.  Oh, can you listen to my favorite song one day, when you are up in the sky flying one of those cool fighter jets??? is that what they call them???


And remember, whatever you read on Jazzy's journal, is STRAIGHT UP LIES! Don't believe everything you read, cause you, are a figment of my imagination...........


YOU HAVE TO LISTEN TO THIS IN THE SKY.......PROMISE ME :) PS. I NEVER PUT STUFF LIKE :) ON MY BLOG :) :) :).....


THANK YOU! GOD BLESS AMERICA!!!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-E294xv41TU&feature=related