Thursday, December 29, 2011

Dear Journal - 12-29-11

I started writing an entry the other night called 2011 recap and I couldn't get into my writing.  I guess part of me is not feeling to inspired lately.  I have been feeling a bit down for a few reasons which I prefer not to write on my public journal, but I will say this...... It has to do with a boy.  Boys boys boys! they have been trouble to me all of my life! you would think at 40 my boy troubles would no longer be, but no, I still have the boy troubles.  Please note that I say boys, because well the men that want to partake in my life are boys trying to be men.  


I have tried a few times to talk to men my age, but they are just so strange.  They don't know what they want either.  I will accept a younger man not knowing what they want but when a man my age doesn't know what he wants, that's just crazy! or is it? are we supposed to always go around knowing what we want or should we be able to judge case by case? why do the boys chase me? I never get it or maybe I just prefer to not accept that young or old they all want the same thing! SORRY BOYS! your looking in the wrong place, TRUST ME!  I have pretty much have given up at this point and I have to admit that my giving up feels good! I also am fully aware that I really really really am selfish about my freedom.  I made a proposition to a boy/man and wondered after I did so if I had made the right decision.  I think I did.  


I had a great year! had so much fun met such amazing people and learned so very much.  I have to say that 2011 was pretty good to me! the only crappy thing that happened was that I hurt my achilles tendon and have not been able to run as I was doing before, this made me very sad because sometimes even as I walk it bothers me.  Other then that I don't have anything to really complain and bitch about.  I have great wonderful supportive friends and family, I have a roof over my head food to eat and lot's of things to be grateful for.  I can honestly say that although I had some pretty sad days through out the year, for the most part I am pretty happy and that's pretty ok in my book.


I don't do new year's resolutions, but this year I want to really work on my potty mouth.  The thing is that during work hours I don't curse, but when I'm not at work I feel like I curse way more then I should and the reason why I know that I do is because my three and a half year old says things like, mommy you said a bad word! THAT IS NOT COOL! how can I teach her that she shouldn't say something that mommy is saying?  So, for the very first time in a really long time, effective January first I will be starting a new year's resolution and that is to stop cursing! all inclusive in my writing.....OK maybe not in my writing since she can't read yet! 


Whomever comes across this post, I wish you all the very best life has to offer in 2012.  If you read my blog often then I want to thank you yet again for visiting my blog and supporting my writing, I love to do it and hope that in 2012 I can write really good important things that will in some way shape or form help you in some way or another.  As someone pointed out to me just the other day, I AM CRAZY! but that is ok! because if I wasn't, then who could you compare yourself too to realize that you are SANE?


PEACE AND LOVE!

Thursday, December 22, 2011

JAZZY'S JOURNAL 1 YEAR ANNIVERSARY WOOO HOOO!!

One year ago today, I decided to finally start writing my journal and posting it..... My live journal..... http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2010/12/omg-my-first-blog-entry.html  LIVE! WOOO HOOO!!! Live and direct from my bed to your computer or phone screens woooo hoooo!!! the internet is AWESOME!!! I have to say that I am really really happy that I started my blog, for one, it has given me the opportunity to practice my writing and sharing with people my stories, ideas, thoughts, angers, tears, happiness and music that I enjoy listening to. 


When I wrote my first blog post, I was so nervous and thought that no one would ever ever read this stuff, yet I didn't really care or wait, yes I did, I wanted this my blog to be read because I wanted to put my thoughts out there with hopes that if someone read something that they could relate to in some way shape or form they would understand that we are all the same and go through many different feelings and thoughts in somewhat of a uniform way regardless if we are male or female. 


I wanted to write not just to put my business out there as I always do, but more so to... I don't know maybe help someone in some sort of way? like if a woman read something I went through and could relate to it she could feel like "holy molly!" that same thing happens to me! or if a guy read something that I wrote he could be like "wow! no wonder my girlfriend sometimes acts all crazy!" because on my blog I try to be as honest and sincere as humanly possible all because I want you to know that "I am crazy too!" and you are not alone in your trials and tribulations.....


I have always through out my life kept journals, but for a very long time I had stopped writing because I had forgotten for so long how much I truly loved it, until someone came into my life and brought back my passion.  I dedicated this blog to him and still do, because regardless of the events of this past year, I will always and forever be grateful to him for changing my life forever! One day I will hopefully write a wonderful book where I will be able to share the specifics as to why this man changed my life so drastically, but until I do, I want whomever comes into this my journal to know that I truly with all of my heart appreciate that you take time out of your life, to read my jiberish! and that I promise to you that I will one day turn this journal into the vision that I have for it.  In one year, I have gotten nearly 7 thousand hits to this little blog and although I feel like someone keeps going onto one specific post over and over again for some strange reason, I have to admit that I am humbled by the fact that people actually read it.  Additionally, I want to say thank you to all of my friends who have told me that they have read it and how they enjoyed it.  What blows my mind the most is that people who I never in a million years would think cared to look at it, actually have.  That's pretty darn cool! 


I want to thank my friend Cristina for having encouraged me to start it... I remember telling her that I didn't know what the hell I would write about and her saying, "as long as you are living, you will always have something to say!" WOW! indeed I have.  I don't have much to say tonight though because I'm really tired, but I had to post something on this my one year anniversary.  It may seem insignificant to many, but to me it only proves that when I put my mind to something, I try to stay true to it.  I didn't start it when I first wanted to start it because I didn't feel like I would stick to it, but I have, I love my little piece of art, this one, my little piece of me that I give to you all.  I hope that you have read something on here meaningful and worth your while.  


I will continue to share my thoughts and wildest dreams... well maybe not the real wild one's (insert wink here) but you know what I mean right? right? Also, I do have some ideas as to things I want to write about that will be a bit educational, I just really don't have the time to do so much (insert sad smiley here) but I do have things I want to share and they will be sexual in nature woooo hoooo!!!!


so stay tuned to........ Jazzy's Journal! THANK YOU FOR READING!!! WOOOO FUCKING HOOOO!!!! SCHOOL IS OUT BITCHES! LET'S PARTY!!! HAHAHAHA!!!

Sunday, December 18, 2011

This I Promise You by N'Sync (Lyrics)

Took a break from studying for my Psychology final..... God please help me remember it all!

I was listening to my pandora station and this came on....... LOVE IT!

PS. I DIDN'T CRY!!! WOOO HOOO!

Cognitive Psychology = the study of our mental process... Jazzy's Journal.... you will always learn some random fact!

Enjoy...... This I promise you: By N'Sync.


Saturday, December 17, 2011

Dear Journal: 12-17-11 sometimes fairy tales do come true!

Dear Journal:


Last night I went to my cousins wedding and I have to say that it was just lovely! she looked so beautiful in her white dress! I have to admit that she was starting to stress me out with the fact that she was so stressed out about the wedding, but in the end I know that she was so completely happy with the results and I must say that although I had no part in the making it happen process, the end result of all her and her moms and sisters hard work payed off! her wedding was magical, like literally there was a princess horse carriage waiting for her and her new husband outside of the church, it was well..... magical! the best part for me was when I got to wish her and her new husband at the same time that I wished them happiness and love and I gave my little cousin a kiss on her forehead and told her that I had "told her" that everything was going to be perfect, but what happened next is my favorite part, I said to her, "I love you" and she responded "I love you too!" she had never once said that to me and I was extremely happy when she did, because I really do love my little cousin, I remember her as a beautiful little girl and then as a beautiful young woman and last night I saw her as a beautiful young bride, it was just an amazing night.


Oh goodness I am so tired today due to the fact that I was partying last night, yes! so much fun with my family, I got to see my cousins and get lots of love from each one.  We have such a big family that sometimes I forget how many of us there are and not even half of them were there.  Damn, we spanish people don't mess around! but I am exhausted and I have been trying to study and write these 2 essays that I have to hand in tomorrow and it was really hard for me to get them done, but I finally did and as I was writing and trying to finish up so I could go to sleep, I decided to come to you and write to you because I surely do miss you dear journal.  This is my favorite thing to do, sit on my bed and write to you my story.


I have no idea why that man came into my thoughts tonight but he did and I kept thinking, that I wish he could read my mind or even sometimes wish he would read my journal.  I once wrote him a story and sent it to him and he told me that he never had the chance to actually read it, I think he was lying but maybe who knows maybe he didn't read it after all, he is quite the busy character. When he told me he had not read it I felt hurt, because I wrote it just for him and about him.  It was a short story that would of probably taken him not longer then 10 minutes to read but he said he never read it.  Journal, I will tell you now why I believe him to have lied.....


I had many secret conversations with him I wrote about it before....http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2011/06/secret-conversations.html and I almost know that all those times that we had those conversations, there was a connection between us that neither of us could deny.  I can almost say that their was some sort of course that was taking place and that the circumstances were not the sort of circumstances that would of allowed anything to happen.  


I never see him much but the other day I was walking and I bumped into him, I no longer talk to him because he hurt me and I decided that I could not talk to him and pretend that it is ok because it is not, I feel that he needs to say he is sorry and I fear that he never will.  What is it with men and apologies? I don't quite understand why it is so difficult for them to say it.  Of course I do not want someone to apologize to me if they are not doing so with a sincere heart, so it is ok, I have moved on.  However, when I passed him I had no choice but to look up at him and when our eyes accidentally met, I must admit that he divulged it all.  Right in that moment his eyes said to me what with words he probably never will.  I felt that look deep in my heart and in my soul and I had to look down immediately as to not allow myself to feel anything by it at all.  I hid inside of me what may or may no longer be there, I could not allow myself to have any sort of feeling towards this individual and when I say any sort of feeling I am not only referring to love or like or attraction I am referring to anger and hate and hostility.  I will not allow those sentiments which do not serve me and my soul any positive purpose to control my heart.  I looked back at him with almost the same intensity but when I realized that I had failed by looking up, I looked away immediately and tried to forget it had just happened.


But tonight as I was writing my essay for my class that moment came back into my thoughts and I felt I simply had to share it with you dear journal, because these are the moments that count.  The one's where we feel and we understand accept and try to make sense of.  Sometimes I feel that I am so deep that I can't handle it, yet I would not change that about myself for one moment.


And of course there is he...... Oh journal why does he continue to linger in my life like a ghost that won't go away? I thought of him the other day and wondered what he would be buying his new girlfriend for christmas and as the tears rolled down my eyes I wished him well and sent him lot's of love...  When you love someone, you let them go and wish for them the best life has to offer.  I'm blogging on a Saturday night I fear I have become the mirror image of the person I once admired with all of my heart...... hmmm..... how strange.


So to end this entry I must say that fairy tales due come true, I witnessed my beautiful young cousin marry the man she has loved since she was 14 years of age, there in front of God they exchanged vows and promised to love each other in sickness and in health I believe with all of my heart that they will.  It is never to late to find true love I truly believe that with all of my heart, but when you find it once in your life and you are lucky enough to not have to ever look for it again as in the case with my young cousin and her wonderful new husband, I must admit that, that is one absolutely beautiful thing worthy of being put on this page......


Oh they danced to my favorite song that I have loved and listened to many times and thought of different people with, during different stages of my love life... Please enjoy it below.  For my cousin and her new husband I have to admit that this song truly fits their story, because they are each others first love..... WOW! 


My Endless love by Diana Ross and Lionel Richie
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yVJnMj2oKfo

Sunday, December 11, 2011

Dear Journal: I DIDN'T LEARN SHIT!!!

I really did learn alot, but I had to make you read my journal!!! (insert smiley with big teeth here) ok, so today was my last music class and I learned a whole bunch of stuff so much I can't remember anymore (insert sad smiley here) however, I learned one very important thing and that is.....


Music is THE MOST WONDERFUL THING ON EARTH! I have always said that I like all types of music and I have to say it again, I seriously do! I APPRECIATE ALL MUSIC! every single week no matter what genre we were studying that particular week, or what corner of the earth the music we were studying came from whether it was China or Pakistan or South America or the Renaissance or the romanticism or classical or opera or WHATEVER, I still ALWAYS managed to move to the sound or shake my head or tap my feet or just want to cry from the beauty of it!!!


Today, was the last day and maybe I don't remember proper terms or names of songs or even fully understand the deepness of it all, but one thing I can say is this, I was especially touched by one specific genre of music that I sort of had a prejudice about and every single time I would walk into some sort of store and heard it I was bitter and upset because it made me think of evil people up until today.  I am almost ashamed to share this but I feel that I must, because this is my journal and these are the true events of this my life and so even if what I'm about to share is a bit embarrassing, I have to, because I am pretty sure that I am not the only one who feels this way and if I am, God please forgive me! 


Today or this last weeks music was Middle Eastern, I live in NYC and I have deep sadness about events that took place years ago that I do not need to go to because it's sort of obvious, I am talking about 9/11.  Anyway, I also have learned in my Psychology class that we are conditioned to certain things and that even if we don't really mean to or want to, we have prejudices that we can't change unless we fully are aware of them and understand them.  I did not realize how prejudice I was until today, when I was forced to listen to this sort of music and learn the background of it.  Well, I learned that Ghazal music which is from Pakistan, is a form a poetic expression.  I learned the deep meaning of this genre of music.  And what it signifies.  And when I was exposed to the lyrics of the song we were studying for the class, in that moment it dawned on me, that all this time I have been a prejudice fool and ignorant that judged a whole culture based on one persons horrible doing! and I felt really sad that I know that so many others do as well.


Ultimately, we are all the same no matter where on earth we come from and the music that we listen to always ends up being about the same thing...... LOVE! LOVE! the song I had to listen to was about LOVE and the woman that sings it looks like she could be my sister.  WOW! after today, I will never look or deep down think badly of anyone when I walk into their store and they are listening to their beautiful music... PLEASE FORGIVE ME I am not completely proud of this post but I hope that with what I learned today, I can continue to practice what I preach and that I will not allow one person's doing, dirty my heart for others...


PLEASE EJOY THIS MOST BEAUTIFUL POETIC GHAZAL SONG FROM PAKISTAN...


ALSO, PLEASE NOTE THAT LOVE! is all we need to make this world a better place...


Some of the lyrics go like this...


 
1
Yunhi pehlu mein bethey raho                
Tonight, do not insist   on leaving 
                                                                       Sit here close to me
Haaye mar jaayein ge                                ... I will die, I will be  lost
Hum to lutt jaayein ge
Aisi baatein kiya na karo                  Don't say such things
Aaj jaane ki zid na karo                    Tonight, do not insist on leaving

2
Tumhi socho zara                                    Just ponder for a second
kyu'n na rokein tumhey                                 Why shouldn't I stop you?
jaan jaati hai jab uth ke jaatey ho tum          When my life leaves every time you go
tum ko apni qasam jaan-e-jaa'n                    I swear to you, my love
baat itni meri maan lo                                    Listen to my one request
Aaj jaane ki zid na karo                           Tonight, do not insist on leaving



LINK TO SONG BELOW..



Aaj jane ki zid na karo - Farida Khanum


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gh_UZuNUZR0





Friday, December 9, 2011

The COMPLETELY FABRICATED Character.....One from my Fucked up IMAGINATION!!!

This past week I was walking around in downtown Broadway in NYC right near the world trade center and I overheard a christmas song playing.  I haven't been paying attention to christmas music much because to be completely honest christmas music makes me extremely depressed for many reason one which I am about to share.  Anyway, I'm walking down and I heard the song and then tuned it out not to really think about the whole "christmas" thing and the depressing feeling I get and then all of a sudden something dawned on me.... I thought, HOLLY SHIT! I MADE UP A FUCKING CHARACTER!!!


Yes, I often write some random fucked up shit on my blog and tonight is just one of those nights when I'm going to do just that! but before I do, let me just share that this past week in my Psychology class, my Professor told us that Schizophrenics had an incredible poetic like creative tendencies and that they were completely harmless for the most part.  Additionally, when he went down the list of the different characteristics of a schizophrenic, I must admit that I began to fear that that is just what I may be, so without further a do, let me share with you that Jazzy is a schizophrenic with a poetic creative crazy tendency and an imagination that has lead her to create beautiful amazing characters in her mind.....


There I was on Broadway, understanding my mind from what I'm learning and hoping that I can hold it together long enough to learn enough to hopefully understand myself and others in a way that I may one day be one who with my past experiences and own crazy tendencies may be able to help someone who may feel that they too are crazy! No, I am not the only one with these tendencies actually most humans have various schizophrenic tendencies which is why we sometimes think we are crazy, well, I'm sorry to have to be the one to confirm that if you are reading this you probably are in fact a bit of that, but it's cool! my professor who is a Yale graduate who has contributed to Psychological research has written books and is completely and absolutely awesome, is completely insane! that's fucking awesome and lets me know that I still have hope! 


Ok, my completely fabricated character I created about 3 years ago I created him because I was going through a very difficult time in my life.  I met this person and began to talk to this person and never once allowed him to talk, instead I was doing all the talking and all the answering.  I asked and his silence gave me the opportunity to create which ever character I felt would be best for me to deal with the situation I was going through.  He was sort of my imaginary friend, but as an adult.  I used this person to shelter myself from loving, giving and allowing love back into my life.  I utilized what I imagined this character to be to wee out all the men that would try to come close to me and didn't fit the description of this "perfect man" that I had created.  I even created an email for him so that I could write him letters and he meaning me, could respond back to me saying whatever it is that "the perfect man" would say back.  He was absolutely magical.  I even had a picture of what he looked like in my mind.  He was tall, dark hair, big dark brown eyes, beautiful lips, masculine body, soft spoken, well educated, intelligent, honest, sincere, loving and kind.


After making up this character, surely no man that came anywhere near me could even remotely compare! why he was the absolute image of perfection and any woman would be crazy not to fall madly in love with him.  I thought of writing whole stories about this character, there were times when I would make up a whole story in my mind about him but by the time I would get to a pen and paper my mind would go blank, I couldn't put on a page my thoughts about this strange character that I had created for so long in my mind.  It got so bad that I began to think he was real, I began to feel him as if he were present in my life, I could almost feel his touch when I would masturbate and think of him, he was as real as any man walking down a New York street.  I would look at men on the street and wonder if they were him.  What if that was the one I would often think to myself! I saw him only in my thoughts and in my dreams it was the best fucking relationship I had ever had in my life.  I had a relationship with me, because all along I was doing me! LITERALLY!


One day, I went on this website to talk to people and to sort of get new friends so that I could promote my blog some way.  I started talking to many different individuals and one day, there he was! the guy, the one I had imagined in my thoughts and then there he was again and again and again and again and again!!! And all of a sudden I realized one very important thing that I had failed to realize for so long.  I realized that every single person that crosses one's path, has so many wonderful qualities of those that we like, that if for one minute we just stop and analyze and give people many people a fair chance, they will ultimately have all the different wonderful qualities that we hope to find in someone.  


This character that I imagined all that time really did exist and does and will continue to, but it is up to me to allow these characters to come into or not into my life.  I don't want them to, I don't have anything to give I don't have anything to share I don't have anything to contribute I am selfish and love myself so much now, that I have become this bitch that just doesn't give a fuck! I don't care that it's christmas! I don't care that the songs remind me of a fabricated character! I don't care that I don't have someone to buy me a christmas gift I have chosen this path and I like it! I chose: when, how and who and I am the boss of me! and no of course no one will ever understand me fully (except maybe my professor) but that is ok, because I don't give a fuck! I have my own agenda and if you don't want to roll with me and by my side, then you can roll the fuck away from me because guess what??? I WON'T GIVE A FUCK! 


Conclusion to this story???? there is none, the point is that when you are doing you, then it doesn't matter who comes with you or not at the end of the road when you are in your dying bed, you have to think that you made all the choices in your life and that you lived your life the way you felt you had to live it for you! if someone wants to walk that path with you and call themselves your partner then that's absolutely amazing and you are completely lucky, but if no one does then that's ok too! we have the capability of being happy without that it's ok! I have found so many wonderful characters lately I don't know which one of them is more awesome! and NO I DO NOT KISS THEM! I DO NOT FUCK THEM! but if I ever choose to then I will! BECAUSE I CAN DO WHATEVER THE FUCK I WANT!!!


HOW FUCKING COOL IS THAT!!!!! So! this christmas is my first in 3 years where I can honestly say that I am COMPLETELY happy with my choices...... and I am continuing to DO ME! LITERALLY!!! But that's cool! because doing me is way better then doing........ AN IMAGINARY FABRICATED CHARACTER!!!!!


Please listen to this lovely Christmas song: Over the Rhine -  All I ever get for Christmas is blue
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XyK7iXVhLEs

Friday, December 2, 2011

SHORT SHITTY STORY!

I haven't been writing as much as I would like to.  This makes me very sad, but I always think about my journal and all the things I wish I had time to write about.  I'm so happy that in a few weeks, it will be a year since I started my journal and I have been loyal to it.  When I started I said that I had waited to start this journal because I wanted to make sure that when I did start, I could stay true to it.  That I sure have.  I feel proud of myself for this.  


Below is a short story if you can even call it that, that I started to write but couldn't quite finish.  It's fiction, I wrote it trying to apply some of the things I learned in the creative writing class that I took over the summer.  I don't know if it's good, but as my writing teacher said, most of what we write is shit!




Jazzy's short fictional story


*************************************************************************
She sat on the bench that overlooked the lagoon and all of a sudden, she felt a revelation; it was one from her love, the one that for so long was her inspiration.  He was long gone now, she did not know where he'd gone, the last time she had seen him was in that empty train station.  There, they shared a long passionate kiss full of love.  After their long soft deep kiss, he got on the train, and she never saw him again.  It was as if the crust from the earth had lifted and out of the upper mantle a hand had snatched him up and swallowed him whole! where could he be? Why had he gone? What about that first and last kiss that they had shared didn't he like?

But that day, 3 years later as she was sitting on the bench that overlooked the lagoon, she felt him, she could sense him almost and in her thoughts she spoke to him.....

My love......why do you torment me so? I feel like you are always present, my thoughts of you follow me wherever I go.  I heard that song, the one we spoke about.  Why were you talking to me again? the game is over, I told you you'd won.  As she sat in the bench talking to him in her thoughts, she couldn't help but to think of the scene in that movie the Bran Strokers  Dracula, the scene where the main character is walking down a street and from the sky there are always a pair of big dark pearsing eyes that follow her.  They look down on her with love, and she can almost feel him.  That's how she felt, she felt as though he was always with her no matter where she went and that day she felt him stronger, just there lingering near her, yet she was not sure if he was dead or if this was all just in her mind maybe he was just a made up character of her own maybe she had imagined the kiss in the train station, maybe she wasn't even sitting on a bench.  



But all of it felt so real to her.  She even heard a song once that reminded her of it all and she had cried, and in that moment she knew he still owned her heart.  No matter what anyone else did, it would never hurt her so, because no other could compare.  She had shared her body with many, but her heart belonged to him.  Or maybe, the song reminded her of the love so true she never had, a love that was only in her thoughts and imagination.  The kind of love she had watched un fold in countless movies, the kind that one day would be real in her own life.  A love that would not only be in her imagination, but one that she could touch and share not one, but countless kisses with.  


Why oh why do you haunt me so? she kept thinking.   Maybe he was still alive? maybe he wasn't deep in the earth?  She just sat there blank faced staring out at the water, tears rolling down her face.  All of a sudden she remembered that the only moment she had was that one, and she would no longer waste her moments wondering and thinking of him.  She wiped her tears and began to admire the swans and the birds and the water and the sky.  She smiled, life sure was beautiful.....


I'll be seeing you - By Billie Holiday.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rXLB32n6lq8&feature=fvsr

Sunday, November 27, 2011

HIS HAT

He came over to my old apartment about a year and a half ago and forgot his hat.  When I found it I just felt like smelling it and it smelled like sweaty hair.  I wondered why the smell didn't bother me but realized that it wouldn't because I was so fond of him.  When I became upset with him I told him that he had left his stupid smelly hat in my house and that I was going to throw that nasty shit away....but of course I did not.  I kept it, I packed it when I moved, I unpacked it in my new apartment and I put it in the drawer with all my other winter hats.


I sometimes get these random text messages on my phone and I always hope that they are from him.  I miss my friend always.  I just want us to make up and be ok and be able to sit at McDonald's like we once did and talk about all the crazy thoughts we both used to have, it was so awesome being part of his life and sex ruined it all.  SEX! it ALWAYS RUINS FRIENDSHIPS! If I could turn back time, I would of never ever ever shared not one kiss with him, only to have his friendship.  


The reason why I'm on here writing this short post is because so many people go in and out of my life, but it is he who I always remember and some people they are just significant in the way they helped me grow.  He was one of those people that did just that, he helped me grow, he reminded me of what friendship and love is supposed to look like.  


I was cleaning my apartment today and I found the hat, actually I wore it the other day, but that day I didn't put to much thought into it.  My mom had taken it out of the drawer and hung it up so that I could see it and wear it, she did not know that the hat had a special story.  I grabbed it the other day and said, I'm going to wear his stupid hat and then thought, God I wish I could take a picture and send it to him.  But today something else happened, I saw the hat again and grabbed it and decided to smell it to see if it still had the funky hair smell and what do you know, it still did.... My eyes watered and I felt really sad..... God I sure do miss my friend.  I hope he is well.


This song is more related to love, but when I was writing this post it came to my mind.... lovely song.


I MISS YOU, BY: Klymaxx


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vtuuZ9oL0wY

Saturday, November 26, 2011

Dear Journal: 11-26-11

Dear Journal:


If I wrote on here how happy I am about life today I would be completely lying.  I'm not very happy at all, last night my mom went back home and I feel so lost.  God I miss her already, I can't wait until one day I finally figure it all out, except I don't know what I'm supposed to figure out.


Journal, a few years ago someone betrayed my trust so severely, that after that my fear factor is so high, I am starting to notice that this is a bigger problem then I thought.  But how do you begin to trust again? when it is so scary.  I am always honest to everyone that tries to come into my life.  I always tell them exactly what I'm trying to do with my life, where I see it going, what I'm looking for and yet people still think that they can just come into my life and in a short amount of time, gain all of my trust they feel that I'm supposed to just open up and let them in.  That just doesn't work for me, I am not capable of doing such a thing.


I trusted someone so completely once and he turned out to be a fraud a liar and a fake.  How am I supposed to just meet people now and give them the benefit of the doubt when it's so scary? yet this is something that is really really affecting my relationships and I am fully aware that I need to really work on it.  No, I don't need to work on it for people, I need to work on it for me, because i'm not being fair to myself, everyone is not the same and everyone is not out to get me.


So yesterday I stop by the street vendor to get a new cover for my IPhone and I ask him to show me which of the covers are hard cover because I constantly drop my phone.  Anyway, he shows me one that has a leopard print back and I look up at him and say, OH NO.... JAZZY DOESN'T DO LEOPARD! I continued by saying, I am a cougar though but that doesn't mean I have to wear leopard prints.  The vendor tried to keep a straight face but couldn't help but to grin and I just started laughing and made him comfortable enough that he knew I was joking, (not about the leopard print though, JAZZY REALLY DOES NOT DO LEOPARD!) He proceeds to show me other phone covers then I look at him and say, well maybe I should go wild and crazy and get the one with the bling! so now we are both laughing and I proceed to tell him, that I do date younger men so I should dress accordingly and we  laugh even harder.

 
The vendor was a 52 year old african american man with dreadlocks.  When he told me his age, I was like, ARE YOU SERIOUS! you look no older then 40 and he told me how he could see why I would attract younger men because I was very young looking myself and we start talking about how I'm on my way to go get a hair cut and we just get into this deep conversation about life and all of a sudden he is showing me a picture of his girlfriend and her short hair cut and then asks me for my opinion on the following..... 


He says Jazz... yes he did say Jazz because by this time we had been talking for like 15 minutes and I had showed him my pictures with my really really short hair and he had told me about when he lived in Japan and I had told him that I've been married 2x and we were just talking about so many things and so he says Jazz, you seem like an intelligent mature woman and I want your opinion.... I am thinking about proposing to my lady friend, but I'm not sure if she is going to say yes, because she has been through so much in the past, I'm afraid she won't want to because of her past experiences, but I love her so much and I know that I want to spend the rest of my life with her.


I looked at him in awe!! and I said, you know what the problem is, the problem is that as we get older and have all this past baggage, we often allow all that baggage to stay with us and don't allow ourselves the opportunity for a fresh start and no matter how hard we try to leave the past, we are constantly stuck there.  And as the words were coming out of my mouth, I realized that I had hurt someone the night before with my words, I told him I didn't trust him, yet I didn't really know him long enough not to trust him I haven't given him the chance to prove that he isn't lying, I was judging him based on my past experiences.  I just automatically always assume that everyone is out to get me and lie to me the way someone else did.  There it was, right in front of me, the sign, the signs that are everywhere but we are too blind to recognize them.  On a street corner of Broadway in NYC a complete stranger was teaching me a lesson, he was about to propose to a woman that was scared to give her all, because of her past experiences WOW! 


I told him that I had attended the School of Practical Philosophy and how there, I had learned that as we get older we just keep allowing the luggage to get heavier and heavier and that we forget that once upon a time, it wasn't that way.  How can I judge every single person that tries to come into my life, based on someone else's mistakes that he made that hurt me deeply? how is that fair to another person or myself? And then I thought about what I learned in my Psychology class last Wednesday, that we learn by different conditions and if one of the conditions is a hurtful event, then that is the thing we are most likely to fear and stay away from.  We walk around always been afraid due to past experiences and sometimes push away wonderful opportunities because of this.  Here this complete and total stranger is telling me he wants to propose to the woman that he loves, but he thinks she will say no because she's "been through so much" it made me feel so sad, because I bet that she has no idea how much this man truly loves her, she doubts him yet he is completely sure that he wants to spend the rest of his life with her.


I looked at him and I said, go and do it! tell her that you love her and want her by your side for the rest of your life, I bet she will say yes! and he looked at me and I could see the sincerity in his eyes when he said, really Jazz, you think so? and I was like I'm sure! and we gave each other a big hug and I wished him well and I told him that I was going to be back to see what happened.  That was so awesome! I left there feeling happy and hopeful and I kept thinking, God I need to learn to trust again.


I wish I could take my own advice, I really do.  I am going to try really hard to be more trusting again, I was so trusting once upon a time and I liked myself better then.  I am going to make an effort to really just let go of the fear that I always have when I start talking to someone new.  I am going to allow everyone the benefit of the doubt and hope that they are not out to get me, because if they are out to get me, they probably just want to get me... Like have me and make me happy or make me happier in my already happy life.  I am pretty happy for the most part, even if some nights I cry myself to sleep if I do so, it's because of a situation, not because I'm unhappy.  I can honestly say that I am happy with the way my life is looking, I feel good about life in general and I just need to allow myself and others, the opportunity to be innocent until proven guilty....






Nickelback - Someday [HD]

Monday, November 21, 2011

What I've learned about Jazzy

WOW! imagine being 40 years old and not being able to identify what your favorite genre of music is? yeah I know! that's weird! but, in my case it's really true.  For the last 4 years of my life, I have been trying to figure it out and I think I can finally answer the question....... The answer is, I DON'T KNOW!


I LOVE MUSIC all of it, the other day I went to a concerto at my school, I cried during the first piece which was an overture that was written for an opera that was meant to be a comedic opera but it also had to do with love, OF COURSE! Anyway, I was so deeply touched by the piece that I could hardly contain my tears, it was awesome! The thing about classical music is, that it's like art, you have to really listen and appreciate it, and when you know the history behind it all, it's just so awesome! 


I have to say that I am so glad that I am in school and finally getting to learn all about the things I have always wanted to learn about.   Everyday it's something new and exciting to me.  Sometimes I get frustrated and stressed out, but then others, like yesterday when I described a painting to my music professor in such a way that I myself was impressed with what I said, I couldn't believe that in the last 3 years I had actually learned something.  


Sometimes I will remember random things that I thought I forgot and I always smile, because for the last few years I have crammed up so much information in my mind, that I quite honestly feel like I know nothing at all.  Yet when I answer a question one of my professors is posing in such a way that my response pleases him and he looks at me and confirms to me by his head shake that I in fact am correct and that my answer makes full sense, especially about something that is not related to the subject of study.  I have to admit that it is in those moments, all my sacrifice and my tears feel like it is all worth it and that should I have to do it again, I would.  My description of the painting was so precise and well critiqued in fact, that one guy even looked back at me like.... Holy shit, that was pretty good! so I smiled.  


This post was not at all intended for me to brag about the fact that I remember a thing or two about my art class which was one of my favorites.  Actually, this post was intended for me to write about the fact that I have learned one or two things about myself in the last few years of being single and becoming familiar with myself.  I have said countless amount of times on my blog that all of my life I have jumped from relationship to relationship since I was 16 and how I never really knew who I was until now.  I didn't even know what my favorite type of music was.  


I was actually going to write about the fact that for the last year and a half, I have been listening on my IPhone, to a bunch of reggaeton music that my son had downloaded on my mac and how I don't love it to death, but how there is one song that I have really come to love and how I am going to translate it for anyone who isn't lucky enough to know my beautiful Spanish language but would love to know what this song says.  I really need to write more often, I always start out with one thought and go on a tangent about something completely different.  


My apologies reader, as I am just all over the place in terms of my thoughts today and usually when I write I just write, without some sort of outline in place.  I think of what I want to say and just sort of blur it out or write it.  But, this is my blog and I will go on a tangent if I want to.  


Anyway, without further a do.  Below is the translation to one of, if not my favorite reggaeton song on my IPhone.  Thank you son, without you, I would have absolutely no music on my phone, since I NEVER have the time to actually download anything... (insert sad face here) so, I pretty much don't have any songs I actually want to have on my IPhone and have no choice but to listen to my sons favorite music.... It's cool though, he's my baby!



TRANSLATION TO:


POR AMAR A SIEGAS - FOR BEING BLINDLY IN LOVE
BY: Arcangel


I asked a pastor about love and he told me to leave it up to God, not to feel lonely, that being alone was better then living with an illusion.


I asked an artist about love at first site and he told me that it was a big mistake, that it was for soap opera lovers and dreamers that in life one has to be more realistic.


And now that I don't have you, I think of all the time I wasted....wasted on you, why by loving you blindly I did not listen, and I threw myself at the precipice, all for love, everyone told me everyone warned me, that there are some flowers that have thorns.


I asked a man about love and he told me that to ignore it was best.  That I was young and that money should be more important then a thousand loves.


I asked an old man, far out in the boulevard about love and passions he said "my son, it's a double edged crystal and it cuts and hangs you from one string"


And now that I don't have you, I think of all the time I wasted....wasted on you, why by loving you blindly, I did not listen, and I threw myself at the precipice all for love, everyone told me everyone warned me, that there are some flowers that have thorns.


I asked my father about love and innocence and faith and patience and you know what he told me? "son it's always better to ignore your heart, listen to your conscience."


I asked my mother about the love I had for you and she said they were fantasies, that if I didn't believe it, with time I would learn that she was right.


And now that I don't have you, I think of all the time I wasted....wasted on you, why by loving you blindly, I did not listen, and I threw myself at the precipice all for love, everyone told me everyone warned me, that there are some flowers that have thorns....


........................................................................................................
Well, there you have it... Hope you enjoyed my translation, I really enjoy translating stuff I hate when google does it, it makes it all crazy and out of whack! I just want to add, BEWARE of who you give your beautiful love too, Love is the most amazing thing in the world! However, NOT EVERYONE DESERVES IT. 


You can enjoy the actual song by clicking on the link below.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-Ss89QBh6Vk





Sunday, November 13, 2011

Dear Journal: November 13, 2011

OMG Journal, today was so funny! My professor let us out an hour early from class because the clock on the wall still had last weeks time.  The thing is, that when he said ok let's take the quiz so we can go, the quiz that we have every week at the end of the class, I looked at my phone and noticed the time and said to someone, what is he talking about and he looked at me and said, don't worry don't say anything.  I felt bad but I didn't want to be the class big mouth! It's funny that even as an adult in a classroom, there are still do's and don'ts like imagine I had raised my hand and told the Professor that he was wrong, everyone would of probably been annoyed at me.  After we walked out, some of the girls from the class had a whole bathroom discussion about it and we all agreed that it was better to keep our mouth shut! still, I left there feeling bad like I had done something wrong.  I felt better after I saw some other class mates and they mentioned that when almost everyone had gone, someone did in fact bring it to his attention, he said it was ok.  My poor Professor! he's really a cool man, I like him but this class is just so annoying with the pressure of the quiz every weekend.  UGH!


In other Jazzy news, I was on my way to class this morning talking to myself as I usually do in my car all alone hoping that I'm not like actually moving my lips and making facial gestures so that the cars that are near me don't think I am a complete loony bin! and as I was talking to myself, I kept telling myself that I CAN do this, because quite honestly as I told someone last night, sometimes I just want to QUIT! especially when I am in the mood for I don't know, doing something other then worrying about school work.


I often think of life and think to myself, GOD I wish I could of done it the other way around.  But I have to say that there is a reason for everyone's being and we all have a purpose and so maybe my purpose is to be an example to the young people that constantly want to be my friends or partake in my life in some way shape or form.  I always tell my young friends that.... THEY CAN DO IT! and how it is so important that they do so when they have the opportunity.  Yes, at 20 I was practically a drunk looser who had no life no future nothing going for her, my life could of been even worse.  I had absolutely no guidance, but now that I am older and a bit wiser, I realize how lucky I am that I live in a country where even at 40, I can make a positive difference in my life with just a little more determination.  How even at 40 I can educate myself and grow as a woman and human being.  I am so very lucky for all the wonderful things that I have.  So as I was talking to myself in my car I kept saying to myself, Jazz, one day you will look back at this car ride or at the fact that I am in school on Sunday's and I will think..... WOW! I remember when I used to have to go to school on Sunday's and how much I hated it.


I want to thank my wonderful friend E, for being so encouraging this last past week when I was really down feeling like just throwing the towel.  I realize now that real friends are those who recognize our efforts and grab our hands when we feel like we are drowning and no one wants to pull us out the water.  I don't even ever hang out with him, but he has seen me struggling from the first class I ever took when I would look at him during class and look confused and he would tell me after class that I could do it! He ALWAYS knows what to say to me when I am feeling down.  I don't even see him and all I need to do is send him a txt message expressing my sadness about my academic career and there he is, ready to say something encouraging.  HE'S SO AWESOME! 


Apart from that, life is good, lately, I have made a lot of new friends that are really just awesome! I want to talk about something else that is going on in my life that I am really happy about, but I don't want to ruin the wonderful magic about it, so I will keep this one to myself and write about it privately.  Hopefully, I can write about it publicly one day.  I will give you a hint though journal, it has to do with amazing people......


Ok, gonna go now and try to do some studying......... Good night journal.....


ps. I miss writing to you, because I know that you wait to know what happens next.......

Saturday, November 5, 2011

Till death do us part or for your green card!


I once described my last marriage to someone, as a combination of the movie green card and fools rush in.  I wasn’t exaggerating either.  I have been married twice in my life, but when I think about other people’s marriages and compare them to mine, I don’t only feel depressed about it, I also feel annoyed that I didn’t get big bucks for doing having been married.
Most of us have heard the story of how most immigrants have gotten their green card by marrying someone for money, although marrying for money is illegal it is a fact and many have done it.  But, this post is not about how I didn’t commit a crime, it’s more about how pathetic I am and how I cried about the man that I really loved on the day of my first wedding day.  And how I married both times to provide a service which was helping both individuals with green cards and how I didn’t get paid for it.
I can’t even remember it well, all I know, is that I was with my re-bound and he seemed like a really good guy that would be a good step dad to my son.  My thought 16yrs ago was, that if I married someone while my oldest son was still a baby, then my son would have the opportunity to grow up with a male role model that would love him and raise him.  I remember that after my son’s dad and I broke up, I was desperate to find someone, because I wanted to find my son a “baby daddy” I know, crazy! right? so here came this guy, who my cousin suggested I date because “he’s so cool and has a car” and me not knowing any better at the age of 24 just jumped into this marriage.  
The day of my city hall wedding is a big blur to me, I only remember that I was wearing the ugliest pink suit and I bought some fake flowers outside of the court house.  But one thing that I can still feel as I write this, is the sadness I felt, when my then soon to be husband walked out of the car to go to the grocery store to buy batteries for our cheesy camera.  The moment he walked out of the car, I looked over at my best friend and broke down in tears.  She knew in that moment exactly why I was crying, I told her that I always thought I would marry him, my son’s dad.  She told me to get myself together because my future husband was walking back to the car.  The rest of the day is a blur to me, I remember the judge saying I pronounce you husband and wife and us leaving the place and going home.
I married him, because he needed a green card and I needed a baby daddy for my son.  My relationship didn’t last very long after that and to write about it would take me all night.  But I can honestly say that I had an adventure like no other with him.  He passed away about a year after we were divorced, he never got his green card and I never told him or anyone that I cried on my wedding day.  The only one that knew, was my friend, and now...... You.

Thursday, November 3, 2011

Dear Journal - Nov. 3

Dear Journal:


I will make this really really quick.  I am tired and have to go to bed but I must share some great news.  No it isn't about how great I am doing in school because I am not and this makes me very sad.  I'm not doing well, not because I don't try, but because I am doing something wrong.  So, yesterday when I got my Psychology test results back and wanted to cry, I waited for class to end so I could talk to my Professor, who is AMAZING! I told him that I felt really bad because I had let him down.  He told me that he did not feel that way and that he wanted to know what was going on with me, because he knew that I can do better.  


I told him that I do study but that I feel like nothing stays in my brain and that I am really concerned about it.  So what does my awesome professor do? he sits down with me and starts to help me figure out what it is that I am doing wrong in terms of studying.   He made me realize one thing that I know for a fact and that was that I didn't trust.  


  
Trust, this is such a big issue in my life.  He told me that he wasn't out to get his students and that if I had trusted the information he told me to study instead of trying to memorize the entire text book, then I would of gotten a better grade on my test.  He genuinely cares for me as his student and this means a great deal to me.  He stood in class with me until 10:00 pm trying to analyze what my problem was! HE IS SOOOO AWESOME! He seriously looks just like Albert Einstein and is just as brilliant! I love and admire my wonderful professor who I will make proud with my next test.


But something even greater happened today that made me really, really happy.  I spoke to this wonderful guy who is to me just amazing! Why is he amazing? well, because although he has to struggle and go through hardships, he doesn't give up on his goals.  He is not a quitter and that is pretty damn awesome in my book! he is my hero and I am so extremely proud of him! I don't know if he ever reads my blogs.  I have written about him many times but I never told him I did.  I even wrote a poem for him once.  This time, I am going to send him this link because I don't care that he knows I write about him. 


Anyhow, I want the world and him to know, that I BELIEVE IN YOU! And you will go really far in life because I KNOW YOU CAN DO IT! Don't give up! YOU ARE A WINNER IN MY BOOK!


Good night Journal...... 

Thursday, October 27, 2011

Journal Entry - 10-27-11

Dear Journal:
I think of you every day because I miss writing so much! I have been swamped with school work and feel that, that is all I do.  School, school, school! So much has happened in my life this last past week that I simply felt that I must absolutely share, it’s so weird, because I don’t really have a social life, yet there are all these developments to my personal life, it’s sort of weird when you try to make sense of it in a logical way.
On Tuesday night as I was walking to my car after getting out of class.  I felt really sad and I began to cry as I thought about my fear of love.  I started thinking about all the nice people that try to get close to me and how I never believe anyone and how I don't trust.  I felt really sad that I have lost that sense of giving anyone a chance, based on the things that others have done to me.  I was also crying because I kept thinking about how hard it is sometimes for me.  How sometimes I just want to give up my dream and fail.  I kept thinking of how I have no sort of social life at all and all I do is kids, school, work and how sometimes I feel like what I'm learning is not sticking in my brain, like I dont' really know anything! yet other times, I will catch myself talking about something I have learned in the last 3 years since I have been attending college.  


I cried really hard in the dark as I walked unaware of my surroundings.  Not even the the chilly wind that hit my face and made my tears feel cold bothered me.  I just got lost in my sorrow and let it all out, it felt really good.  Then, once I stopped feeling sorry for myself, I began to ask myself questions, the first thing I asked myself was, what are you doing Jazzy? and my answer was, I am getting the degree that I have been wanting for 10 years.  Most days, I feel ok with this decision, but somedays it is really really hard.  On those day, when I get home and see them, my three true loves all of a sudden it all makes sense in my mind.  I want this for me as much as I want it for them. 
One of my kids told me the other day that I never pay attention to him.  This truly broke my heart.  I try to be mindful and make time for each of them individually, but sometimes, I feel like I am being pulled in 3 very different directions and it is difficult to give them each my undivided attention at all times.  When he told me this, I had to sit and explain to him that I did not mean to not pay attention to him, and that I was really sorry.  And then I asked him, what it was that he always saw me doing? and he replied that he would see me doing my HW and then I asked him why did I do my HW? and he said because I wanted to do well in school.  Then I asked, why do I want to do well? and he said, for them.  I then explained to him that I missed him and that he could always interupt me and talk to me, because he was my number one priority.  


Being a mother is such a tough job sometimes.  I feel like no matter how much I try to do this job well, it is never good enough.  However, it is important to me that my children understand that I am here and that they can talk to me and tell me how they feel.  It is important to constantly communicate with them and try to be involved in everything about them.  However, sometimes I know that I slack and that I need to step up to the plate even more.  I HAVE to make the time, no matter what it takes.  Sometimes in life we don't realize how much we are missing out, until it is pointed out to us.  I run around like a crazy person half of the time, and sometimes I have to stop and ask myself Jazzy what are you doing? in order to put everything into perspective.
Yesterday I took a test and felt really happy about it.  I have studied so very hard that I actually remembered stuff! I get really nervous and blank out during tests, so I am working on developing some new ways of overcoming this fear that screws me up severely.  My Professor who I absolutely love, could tell I was nervous, but he looked at me and told me to just the the best I could.  I absolutely love that guy..... Oh, I already said that!
Tuesday was an eventful day indeed, I had a headache all day long and wasn’t feeling too well, but I had a test so I had to go in to school.  Anyway, I’m getting a coffee in the McDonald’s near my school and I start thinking about BK my lovely friend who I miss dearly.  I have written about him numerous times on my journal, because he was someone significant to me....  http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2011/05/dear-bk.html So I’m standing on line, thinking about how he and I would sit at that McDonald’s, discuss life and laugh like crazy.  And all of a sudden I felt really sad about the fact that he no longer speaks to me and I have absolutely no explanation for it.  He just decided he did not want to be my friend anymore and after him walking away from me and ignoring me when I tried talking to him the last time I saw him, I decided that day, that he was dead to me.  However, that doesn’t mean that he doesn’t cross my thoughts some days, and that I don’t always mentally wish him well and hope he is happy. 

So I am standing there waiting on the line, and that song walk on by comes on the radio.  I had not heard that song in years and I really like it, so I start to sing it and think about what would I do if I saw him again.  As I am signing the song I am thinking, well, the most loving thing for me to do for myself and to respect his wishes of not wanting to be my friend anymore is to just walk on by.  A few minutes later when the song is over and I am finally done making my purchase and am walking into my school campus still thinking about the song and my friend the next thing I know, there he is!……… MY BK!

When I initially spotted him, I was really far away, so my first thought was, HOLLY SHIT! that looks just like him!! but I couldn’t really make out his face so I wasn’t really sure. HELLO!!! I’M 40 NOW! I’m practically blind! So I’m squinting my eyes and thinking to myself, is it him??? And I’m like no, that’s not him, I’m delusional because of my little episode in McDonald’s and the song and what not.  Besides, that guy is too short.  I keep getting closer to this guy, but the guy is looking down reading a book as he is walking, so I’m still not sure if it's him, but then, I get close enough to see that in fact, it is my BK (insert sad face here).   As he is walking passed me, I am looking dead at him, but he is oblivious that I am even passing him, I knew that he wasn’t doing the reading thing on purpose, because since I initially caught sight of him we were too far for him to recognize me and he was already reading the book, the whole time as he was walking he was always looking down reading the book.  I am pretty sure he wasn’t doing the reading thing intentionally. 

As he passed by me, I felt like I didn’t know what to do, but decided that I needed to do the most loving thing that I could for the both of us, so, I walked on by.   After he passed me, I even stopped, turned around and continued to watch him read his book as he exited the school campus.  He never noticed he had just passed me.  My lovely ex friend how much I miss us! There he was, someone I had gotten to know in a very very close way and I had to pass by him as if he was a stranger.  My friend BK, that exactly a year ago, he and I would walk through the same campus joking around and enjoying each other’s company.  It was a really a sad moment, yet I knew, that I did the right thing.  I walked on by, and did not disturb my old friend who I love.  I never understand why, but little by little, I'm learning to accept that sometimes it has to be that way.


Luckily, two minutes after seeing him, I bumped into another old class mate that I had not seen since last year and he completely took me out of my moment.  I have to say I was really happy to see him and catch up with him.  Thank God I saw him or I would of kept dwelling for lord knows how many more minutes about the events that had just happened!
Journal, I am in a bit of a dilemma with myself right now and am not quite sure what to do.  I decided a few months ago, that I was going to listen to a friend who said to me once, Jazzy, your problem is that you get stuck on people that you feel any sort of romantic interest in, and instead of keeping it moving, you stay there waiting for things to happen, fuck them! instead of doing that, just keep it moving.  Well, this of course is way easier said then done.  First, it is really hard for me to like someone.  Second, I’m very picky as to who I talk to.  Third, I never find anyone that I feel sexually attracted too and last, I’m sort of hum bug about the whole relationship intimate thing so I sort of do things to turn people off and push them away.  Yes, it is true I already did some self assessment and self analysis and have come to the clear conclusion that after having gone through so much heart ache in my life I have completely shut down.  


I’m afraid of committing to someone and don’t want to be bothered.  Still, I do try to date every now and then and every now and then I will start to like someone and then I act crazy and push them away.  Additionally, I sort of know what I’m looking for, so when the person I am seeing doesn’t quite fit what I want, I just sort of go with the flow knowing all to well that it’s not going to go anywhere.  I also have absolutely no time to spend with anyone, so I also think to myself that it isn’t fair for me to try to be with someone when I know for a fact, I can’t physically spend time with this person.  Yes, it’s hard! I feel lonely sometimes, but every night when I go to sleep I feel happy and feel that I am doing what’s best for me.  It’s all worth it!
Every time I stop talking to someone, I give myself a few months to heal from it, I like to take a break from dating and meeting people and I just get really focused on myself.  However, EVERY SINGLE TIME I’m on this mode, someone comes into my life and does something to take me out of it.  Explanation, I met someone really really nice that I thought of as just a friend and we have been talking every day.  Well, here I am thinking of him as just some really cool awesome guy who I happen to think is extremely cute but I’m just thinking of him in a platonic way.   On Tuesday however, he tells me he really really likes me in a romantic way.  At first I was so taken a back, I had to tell him I couldn’t talk to him for the rest of the day, but after it dawned on me and I thought about it, I thought WOW! I CAN’T BELIEVE HE LIKES ME!

I thought about what my friend told me, that I needed to keep it moving, so I decide to talk about it with this guy.  We talked about it and decided that we are going to continue as friends and see where the road leads us, but I am really excited that I am actually giving myself a chance to get to know this person and that I am not staying stuck on stupid and am keeping it moving.  It’s a whole new way of me looking at things.  And I am really loving that him and I can talk about anything.   It’s just so awesome! Just comes to show that if I keep it moving, then I really will keep meeting people that will blow my mind from time to time!


I read in a book once, that we are all able to write our own love story.  I have decided that I want to write mine, literally.  My dilemma is that I don't know, if when I begin seeing someone and think they have potential, if I should let the person know that I'm writing about us? this particular person who I am currently getting to know, know's about my blog, but I have never told him where he can find it.  We haven't really talked about it.  I kind of don’t want him to read it yet either.  But, I don’t know if it is fair to him or anyone that I end up writing my love story about wether it be now or 10 years from now, that I am in fact writing it and he is non the wiser. 


Obviously, I am not going to put everything on here about what happens between us, I am going to write a separate journal of events and I will post them only when and if things happen between us in a serious way, but my dilemma is, that whom ever it happens with, should I be writing about it and him not knowing? I don’t know if writing my love story is something that I want to share with the person while I’m writing it, or after we have said those beautiful words……..What if this person has no idea that I am writing all these things about us and then I tell him and he gets upset that I am putting our private life on the world wide web? When do you tell someone, hey, by the way, I'm writing my love story and just wanted to let you know that I am, ok? Oh and by the way, it's on my live journal on the internet. 

What if in his mind, it isn't really a love story and I am anticipating things without knowing where his thoughts about us are? You see my dilemma??? Anyway, this is me just thinking out loud, I don’t know who it will be, but I think I prefer for now, to keep to myself the whole I’m writing my love story thing.  I will journal everything privately though and I hope that one day, I will be able to share my love story on my journal.

I think it is pretty cool, that I have this live journal going and that even when I am not journaling, people are still reading my stuff.  WOW! if only I could dedicate more time to you my beautiful journal.... But I cannot for now! Still, please know that you are always on my mind.  I am always mentally writing what I want to share with you, I am always thinking of what to write next.  Journal, I'm really really happy! things are good all in all.  I thank God every single day of my life, for all the wonderful blessings that he brings to my life.  Yes, it is hard and sometimes I cry, but it is also called life and I struggle just like everyone else in this world does.  The difference between them and I is, that I have you to share my thoughts with, but there are others that cry and don't have anyone to share that with.  I hope that if anyone comes across this my beautiful live journal, and they have felt like giving up sometimes and they have cried on a lonely street or felt like they can't take it anymore.  That by reading you, they will feel better to know that it doesn't only happen to them, and that they are pretty ok off.  Feeling all these things,  just means they are alive and they are feeling the things we all do...... It is OK! 


Enjoy the song..... Walk on by: Sybil.....


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3DL8jmpUxMI

What happens in Vegas!

 Dear Journal - I know it has been sometime since I last wrote but as of late, my life has been pretty busy! I came on here tonight to write...