Saturday, June 13, 2015

Something New........

Dear Journal

I mainly don't write to yo because I am too lazy to use my on-screen keyboard, since I wet my key pad on my mac and messed up the letter u.  Ugh! it's so annoying, but I guess I will make the best of it until I get it fixed.  I have been writing a lot of material for work, so I definitely write, just not here anymore the way I once did.  I feel sad, like I have almost abandoned you, but lately, my life isn't very exciting, I guess I don't have much to tell you because I'm living a pretty non interesting life.  No new love, no new love adventure, no drama, no excitement! I have been struggling to loose weight, and it's very frustrating, but partly I struggle because I start to do really well and then I just sort of loose interest in trying and stop, and what I mean by that is that my eating habits have been very bad.  I mean for the most part I try my very best to be healthy, but every other week I like go on this sweet kick and I almost can't get off it.  I have been riding my bike to work as often as I can which is pretty awesome, but other than that, I don't exercise much.  I have realized that I don't like the gym much, and since I can't run anymore, I just don't care to do anything.  So I ride my bike since I truly enjoy doing so that is what keeps me semi staying in my current weight, which is 25 pounds over what I used to be.  Some of my cloths no longer fits me, others just barely do and I just don't care to go above and beyond to loose it, I just feel tired of struggling, yet I can't give up completely because that's just not who I am.  I will figure it out eventually I guess!

I have been thinking about AJ very much, I mean I never fully stop wondering how he may be doing, but I deleted his number from my phone and decided that I cannot reach out to him because the last time I had any sort of interaction with him, I said things that were really messed up, and I just don't know how to say anything that will repair what was said.  As I wrote in a previous post, I don't regret what I said because I needed to get it off my chest, but I wish I would of said it to his face in a manner that he would understand where I was coming from with it, and why I thought it, and why I felt I needed to express it, but since he never gives me the opportunity to sit with him and talk, I lashed out one night when I was drinking and said more than I should have and now it's just too late to go back and try to explain why I said it.  I know all of this sounds complicated to you sweet journal, but it really wouldn't be if he and I just sat down for coffee like two old friends and just discussed it.  Sometimes I'm concerned about him, I wonder if he is happy, and wish I could be friends with him the way I am with JC or my other friends, where we can sit and chat about anything with no past drama.  The other night I was sitting with my friend JC watching an episode of supernatural and while we were there sitting together watching it, I thought to myself, why can't I do this with AJ, why can't I share special friendship moments with the person who is responsible for me haven found this wonderful home?  and for a brief moment I felt so sad, that out of everyone in this state, the one person that I wish I could share cool moments with because he was the one who introduced me to this amazing town, I couldn't share it with him.  I felt sad.....

There is nothing else for me to say at the moment journal.  I love/hate my job, it's so difficult sometimes to work in an environment where there is so much sorrow from people, where you see and hear so many sad stories, maybe that is why my life feels so rewarding right now, because compared to so many, I am so truly blessed.  

I leave you with this, the newest thing in my life is that I love it, I can't complain because there is nothing to complain about, and for this, I am truly grateful!

Borderline
By: Madonna


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