Johnny...............

 Dear Journal -

This morning I went on an awesome hike! I love when I get to go hiking early in the morning because the air always feels crisp and being out in nature alone, gives me this feeling of peace mainly because there is no one around, while no one is watching, I stop and talk to animals like prairie dogs! Sometimes they look back at me and it almost feels as they are trying to tell me something, I always feel like I'm "having a moment with them" in reality they are probably just watching me to see if they need to go back down into their holes! 

I feel like I'm going through some sort of transformation right now (maybe it's mid life crisis?) although I do believe I went through mid life crisis during my late 30's but then again I've always done all kinds of crazy stuff, so maybe I'm just going through one of my "phases" or maybe I'm just still going through the healing process of my break up.  I still cry every few days when I think of my ex, sometimes I cry out of anger, other times I cry out of sadness and others I just cry cause I'm a bit of a cry baby! regardless, I am definitely transforming and I have to say that my transformation feels really good! I decided a few days ago to just be with myself, by that I mean that I stopped going on dating sites or talking to a bunch of random men, who usually only manage to piss me off! Today when I told my boss about my new "I'm not going to date anymore for a while story" she laughed and said I was crazy! My boss is pretty cool! I always update her with my latest life story, I feel pretty lucky to have the new team and people I work with in my life, as they have been a huge support to me with all the changes I've gone through this past year.

Anyway, I'm on this trail, and I was thinking about my past, but most specifically about my childhood because this month is child abuse awareness month.  I was thinking about my childhood and all of a sudden, he came to my mind! my very first boyfriend Johnny! HOLY SHIT! my very first kiss! I will never forget Johnny because Johnny liked me soooooo much, I'm almost certain that if he remembers me these days, he might categorize me as his first childhood heartbreak! I was 12 years old and I'm pretty sure we were in elementary school still.  Johnny for some reason thought that patting me on the head was the boyfriend thing to do, so whenever we saw each other, that was how I was greeted! I laughed so hard on that trail by myself looking like a crazy person just imagining myself back then with Johnny! I will never forget, that him, his brother, my best friend Julissa and I, went to Prospect Park in Brooklyn and we were by this wall just hanging out, my friend Julissa and his brother had already kissed before, so they kissed and then Johnny and I were talking and he grabbed me and kissed me and then..... he touched my butt! hahahaha........HOLY SHIT! first kiss and first butt squeeze! I WAS MORTIFIED! I remember grabbing his hand off my butt and just staring at him! Johnny was Puerto Rican, he was pretty fair and had long dirty blonde hair, I think I kind of liked him, but I also think I said yes to him being my boyfriend mainly because the boy I really liked didn't pay me any mind (he did once we turned 16 and I dated him briefly) but when I was 12, Johnny was the boy that had his eyes on me!

It's so cute to have these vivid memories in my brain, because I was abused as a child journal, I've never written that on this blog, and as I'm typing this, I'm starting to feel pretty sad.  This month is child abuse awareness month, once upon a time, I was a child and I was abused, and it is only now that I can openly talk about it, for years I felt as if I had done something wrong, not anymore! I was treated unkindly by another human being.  My childhood memories are not like other people's memories, most of my memories I've buried deep down inside so I don't usually remember stuff or rather, I try not to think of myself at that age because mainly it's pretty painful! but today I did and I laughed and I wondered what ever happened to my old boyfriend.  I don't remember his last name or I would look him up.  My best friend Julissa and I also lost touch in our teens, she was awesome! her and I would choreograph dances to different songs, we both LOVED to dance! we would come up with dances and then get matching outfits and then perform for our friends! it was awesome! I wish I could find her also!

If you come across this post and you suspect that someone you know is abusing a child.....PLEASE CLICK ON THIS LINK:  Child Abuse Hotline

I'll leave you with this song, I kept listening to it today, I love music!

How to save a life.....................

 Happiness is within each and everyone of us.  As we get older, we start to accumulate all sorts of as my Philosophy teacher would say "dust" and we begin to sort of look for happiness outside of ourselves and as we get older and go through more painful experiences, we just keep accumulating more and more "dust."  Unfortunately for us however, happiness is not what someone can do for us, happiness is what we can do for ourselves.  At the end of the day, you are responsible for your own happiness.

Journal -  Yesterday was a really rough day! I literally stayed in bed and cried for like 3 hours straight, it was almost physically impossible to get out of bed, but some how I managed to do so, and I went for a long walk, and decided that I could turn my day around.  This left me thinking about depression and how difficult it must be for people that have to live with it, to live their lives every single day trying to change their day around! The first paragraph of this post I got it from a post I wrote back in 2012 that I called "That Bit$ch slept with my boyfriend" I was reading the post because I have been reading through my blog and feeling really happy that I kept all these my life stories on here, reading them reminds me of what I've been through and how I have made it through it all, and while I know for a FACT that there are others out there having it WAY harder than I do, these are my experiences and my truth and the other day I was telling someone I had a blog and when they asked what I wrote about, I said my journal, my life.  Then later I remembered that I started writing because back then I wanted to say something that would resonate with someone, or something to make other specifically women, know that they were not alone in what they went through.

This morning I feel way better, I'm about ready to start my day, I have all sorts of plans for what I need to do and I feel pretty good.  I think though again, about those people right now that are feeling the way I did yesterday and today and everyday! My heart feels heavy, because I don't know or understand how I could help someone that felt that way everyday; and as I think of it further it makes me think of why so many take their own lives and how I can understand how there are days that you just don't want to be here anymore.

In my teens I contemplated suicide so many times, I think most teens do.  But as an adult, I definitely have had days even recently, when I felt tired with life and just didn't want to be here anymore, but I have always been a pretty resilient individual, I have always worked through my stuff, I write, I talk it through with friends, I express what I feel or need to say to others, and at the end of the day, I quite frankly don't give a fuck what anyone says or thinks about my honest and sincere thoughts.  However, there are those who do care, who don't know how to express, who don't have anyone they trust to talk it over with, who are alone and sad and blue and giving up. 

I just got a new tattoo that represents suicide awareness.  I got it in memory of Tim Chase (May he RIP).  I never knew Tim very very well, I was just getting to know him, he would come over my home, we would talk about different topics and he would always tell me how much he loved my niece and what he wanted to do for her.  He loved his baby and my niece.  I never in a million years thought he would take his own life.  He was my niece's husband and they had moved to CO to be close to me.  The day that I got the call about what had happened, feels like a big blur, but all I can remember is thinking..... How come I didn't see this coming? for a long time  I was very upset at the fact that I am a social worker, and yet I didn't see the signs, but the truth is, most times there are no signs.  

Depression is real, I honestly don't think I could handle life if I felt every single day the way I did yesterday.  When I have those moments, I know how to help myself through them, but most people don't or can't or just no longer have the will to do it.  It's so important to check on the people you love from time to time and be like.... "Hey, you good?" because you don't know what people are dealing with, I feel like life is this big chaotic thing sometimes that you have to navigate every single day and it gets exhausting!

When I lived in NY there were SO MANY TIMES..... where I had to FORCE myself back toward the wall of the train platform because I would often be like.... If I jump in front of the train then it's all over, or what if I just jump? sometimes when I lived on the 6th floor of my apartment in Brooklyn, I would look out the window and be like, what if I jumped? how would that feel?  It would scare me that my mind would have those thoughts, and I almost think I would have if I had to live with depression.  Lately, I have felt that empty feeling inside, that like sadness that just constantly lingers.  I know that I'm still struggling with the loss of my best friend of years.  I know that it has to do with the fact that I don't know anything about him these days, I'm still not completely over this change in my life.  But I also know that this is a phase and that I will feel better eventually.  I think I wanted to write to you today journal because, some days it's really hard and I hope that if someone comes across this post one day and they are feeling down, that it will help them to know that they are not alone in the way they feel.  That life is a series of moments and that everything slowly passes.   

Someone told me the other day that I had a passion for life, I've never heard anyone describe me that way.  I don't ever think I am passionate about any one thing, but I guess I do appreciate life and want the people I know, the people that are in my little world, to be happy and healthy and to know that I'm always here if they need someone to talk to, you just never know who's life you might save just by listening.

If you come across this post and need help, click here:suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

Then along came him.........

 Dear journal -

So much has happened since I last sat here on my bed and got on this laptop to share with you again.  I always think to myself, that the next journal I write will be about something different and not just my life.  But then I also think to myself that after all, this is my journal so I want to share my life.  I want to share on here this memory because one day when I come back to read this post, I can think back and be like......WOW...... I over came all of it! and he sort of helped me through it! he was sent to me like an angel in disguise as I told him.  

Let me start by telling you what happened to me  a few weeks;  I would say it was about  three weeks ago,  I was in OR for a friends bachelorette party and I saw my ex with his new "love" I put the word love in quotes because I don't believe that he himself believes that, but then again, I don't know, it can very well be as people are weird like that and the truth is the more time goes by the more I think that I never really knew this person, and he may very well be "madly in love" I mean who am I to take that away from him? I also am very realistic and know now that I never really knew this person and that he is capable of so many things that why wouldn't he be in love right? I didn't really know him! sure maybe I knew his surface, maybe his bad habits, maybe even his next move sometimes, but in the end, I didn't know him at all.  So, I won't get into details as they are not important but I just remember thinking after seeing him with her, that I could not believe that he could just be moving on so easily as if we had not just broken up less than 6 months ago after spending 4 years together and even being engaged.  I wasn't angry at the fact that I saw him with her because he had already told me he was with someone and was going to marry her in April, so sometime this month.  So it wasn't so much feeling hurt to see him with someone else, but seeing him with this person made everything seem real! in that moment I realized that this relationship was really over and that I would never ever be with this man ever again.  I am finally ok with that and feel that I am in a way better place simply because I saw him with someone else.  I saw him for who he truly is and I won't write what I think of him on this journal because I don't want to dirty these pages with bad mean words.  If I don't have anything good to say, I will just leave it be.

Now to write what I really came on here to write about.  When I returned from my trip to Oregon and after finally accepting reality, I told myself that I was going to give myself a chance and I was going to actually start talking to people.  It so happened that the day I returned from my trip, I matched with someone on the dating site I was on and when I saw his profile after we matched, I thought he was really handsome.  He messaged me and we started talking and our conversation just started flowing, he asked me out and wanted to know if we could see each other the next day, so I said ok! long story short, I go to his place to pick him up because he only had his work vehicle and we were going to go get some drinks and when I saw him walking out the door my mouth dropped! OMG!!!!!! sooooooo handsome! I NEVER feel that like butterfly exciting type feeling when I initially meet someone, but when I saw him it was......... LUST AT FIRST SIGHT! I asked him if I could get out of the car to say hello and I get out and we give each other a hug and OMG....... I felt like a tiny woman in his big arms! He is so tall and just so damn cute I can't handle it! we went out and had so much fun and we have been seeing each other since! I am so completely smitten! I love the attention he gives me and we can talk for HOURS! I won't even get into the intimate stuff but I guess I will just say....... OMG! writing this post makes me smile, I smile anytime I think of him and I look like one of those weird people that are driving in their car smiling, yea that's me journal!

I don't know where this new romance is going or how long it will last or what we are even doing, all I know is that we both enjoy each others company and I am SO GLAD, that I saw what I saw, because had I not seen it, I wouldn't have given this man a chance, I may have never even met him.  In Colombia there is a saying "un clavo saca a otro" which basically means, one nail takes out another nail, that makes absolutely no sense, but it's supposed to mean that one person can replace another.  I don't think he's replacing anyone for me, I think he simply came into my life when I needed to be reminded that I am amazing! that I am cool, that I am beautiful, that I am smart and that I am funny and that men enjoy my company and like to be around me.  Life is feeling good journal, I feel happy and not only because I'm seeing someone that is super awesome, but also because everything else in my life is coming together and I finally feel free from all that hurt that I went through!

I will leave you journal with the song that my new "boo friend" as I like to call him and we laugh about, sent to me the other night when I left his home.  He said he wanted me to stay so bad, it's always hard to leave when I'm with him. YAY! he makes me want to stay! the song is called stay and it's a lovely song! I keep thinking that I need to dedicate a song to him also, I just don't know which one.  I was thinking about one called Tell me by Grove Theory, it's an oldy but goodie!

Should I send it to him?