I've been doing so much reflecting lately and just thinking about stuff and trying to heal and move forward and I keep asking myself the same question and that question is WHY? I joined all these heartbroken pages on FB which are actually pretty cool, It's cool because it feel like a community of people that might be going through the same stuff you are and they can relate, I've had some good advice on their and probably given some good advice to people also, it's nice to feel like there are others you can talk to that don't really know your story but are able to have some sympathy for what you are feeling because they are feeling something similar.
The reason why I keep asking the question WHY? is because I don't understand us human beings sometimes, I keep thinking about that song from Whitney Houston called "didn't we almost have it all" and I keep thinking that my ex and I were so close to having it all and then we just threw it all away. Like we worked so hard or let me rephrase that, I worked so hard for so long to keep moving forward to do things the right way to try and have a healthy relationship and somewhere somehow, my efforts were left unnoticed. Like what else did I need to do to show this person that I loved him so much and wanted to do anything I could to make him happy? Yes I know that it's supposed to be a two way street, but there were some points in our relationship that he had tried also and he worked so hard on breaking down my walls that were so high, only to give up in the end. I mean, life's experiences are what makes us grow and I guess he didn't know how to turn this story into a success story and I didn't know how to let this story go before it went to where it did.
My niece told me the other day that she was SO PROUD OF ME! she was like, do you not see how much you've grown from this relationship? you even considered getting married something you had said you would never do again, you cuddled again and most importantly you loved again! That really helped me. Hearing that from someone that knows me better than most made me feel better and like it wasn't a total waste of my years.
I wanted to write this post mainly because I don't ever understand why people can't figure out a way to love and make things work. Why don't people try harder especially when they are in love, or should you just give up the moment it gets hard? For me, I didn't want to give up, I wanted to keep trying, I wanted it to be forever, whatever forever may be. I just felt like we almost had it all.
Shame on me for giving you all my love and so many kisses!
Shame on me for crying for you everyday
Shame on me for letting you control my emotions after all this time has passed
Shame on me for knowing that you are silent because you know it hurts me and it's as if you had put a knife through my heart and silence pushes the knife in deeper and deeper rupturing every part of it............
Shame on me for being unable to delete the pictures we took through out the years, portraying happy moments, our moments, moments that will never come back...
Shame on me for keeping such photographs that torment my soul.........
Today has been a really really rough emotional day for me. For some reason, I woke up this morning and I couldn't stop crying, and I've pretty much cried all day long. I am going to tell you why I cried, but first I want to say that I thought this was supposed to get easier, but today it seemed harder than ever!
Last night I posted a journal from 3 years ago and I called it repeated stories, but then I thought about all the times I wrote throughout the 4 years of my relationship and I know I've said this before, but I only wrote when things were bad. I never once, wrote a story about any one specific good time that I had with my ex and today I cried and had a rough day because I missed him so desperately, because Sunday's were once upon a time "our day" and this morning as I laid in my bed alone, all of a sudden I was flooded with memories of my love and how many beautiful Sunday's we had shared. I thought it was worth acknowledging on this my journal, that I wouldn't have given someone 4 years of my life if all I had endured was pain. We had some beautiful special moments that I will always cherish and I don't think it's fair that I make someone out to be a monster, because Jazzy wouldn't be in love with a monster.
At the end of the day, I got a FB notification that one of the news stations I follow was live on the coast so I got onto the site and there it was, a beautiful amazing sunset over the ocean and my heart felt heavy and I felt so completely heartbroken, because I remembered how many times he and I watched a sunset together and had beautiful moments. All I could think of was why? why couldn't we be happy? why couldn't we love each other forever like we had promised? why did it end this way? I've cried so many tears on this journal, so I want to promise that one day if I'm lucky and I meet a wonderful man and by some reason I fall in love again (although I can't even imagine that happening) but if it ever does again, I want to make a point of writing good things, sharing happy moments and not only writing the hurt and pain that I endure, because I promise you journal I've had happy moments in the last 4 years, we just don't remember them when our heart has been broken.
After our argument a few days later I asked him why did he want to propose to me on Christmas and I apologized for getting upset about something that should of made me so happy. His response was, that he wanted to propose to me on Christmas because he wanted to change my view of Christmas so I could think of it as a very special day moving forward, in other words, he wanted to make Christmas special for me as much as it was for him. I would of married him 100 times over and over again! I wanted to love him for the rest of my life, so the fact that I'm sitting here writing this post and crying because instead of loving him I have to forget him, is much to much for me to handle. How will I ever move on journal? I can't take this pain........................
I'll leave you with......... Toni Braxton - Un-Break my heart
I wrote this poem on Oct 27, 2017 - after a break up.........
My heart is crying and every tear has your name on it, my sweet love where did we fail?
How will this love ever change ever go away, when it’s been you in my mind everyday. I hurt so bad for your love, I miss hearing those words please don’t ever leave my side, please love me as your love is what keeps me alive! Please my love, don't go away...............
I said in a previous post that I was going to post old journals that I had written in the past but never posted. Tonight I went through my iPhone's notepad where I had written them, and chose the journal below that I wrote on Oct. 17, 2017.
What I noticed from reading these posts was that my relationship had the same theme, by that I mean that I complained about the same things for 3 years. I don't know why I kept trying to fight a loosing battle. I guess love is such a strong thing that you do so much even when you know deep down in your heart you will ultimately fail, or maybe I didn't have enough faith or I didn't turn the negatives into positives? Regardless, it doesn't matter anymore, I'm posting all of this because I am 100 percent sure that this relationship is over for good.
I can slowly breath again and be me again, while it still feels sad everyday, there have been a few days where I'm not thinking about it non-stop and that to me is a HUGE deal, because it means I'm slowly moving on. It does really help that my ex doesn't speak to me anymore, apparently I was the bad one and that works, as long as he leaves me alone I'm good, so this is probably the best thing that can be happening to me right now, and while it's hurtful, it's not! does that even make sense?
I feel good enough to stay home and chill and not feel any type of way, I'm feeling like myself again, like I'm coming up from under a deep grave that I had buried myself under. It's so weird and I want to journal this because I want to come back and read these things and feel the way I do when I read stuff about Benjamin Nunez, the one who inspired me to start this journal, the one who also hurt me but in a very different way. Below is the journal entry I want to share.......
Written on October 17, 2017.........
I don't know what to do or think anymore, I'm scared that he might leave after all, and if he does, what will happen to me? I don't know me without him anymore, it's so scary to think of him not being in my life. However, I'm scared with him in my life also, because of everything that has happened.
I don't know how to act or be, because I don't want to mess anything up; I feel as if I have to act like I'm totally fine when I'm not, I'm scared. I guess the only thing I can do is stick to my word, I told him I support whatever he decides and the truth is that I do.
When you truly love someone you want them to be happy, that is the definition of true love, loving someone selflessly. This is my test, and I hope that no matter what, I pass it with flying colors.
Last night he mentioned California again, it's still part of his plan, so as part of mine I need to start letting go, to start enjoying life without him there, because that's what I did once upon a time, I enjoyed life without him in it. Who was I back then? A year and 3 months ago today I was someone that he was impressed by, but now I'm Someone who has all sorts of faults, he no longer sees me in the long run in the future and yet one day he couldn't imagine the future without me.
I'm so scared, but whatever the universe decides for me, I'm sure there is something greater out there that's coming, and this is only a preparation for that, so I have to let life be! I have to love me before I can truly love you.
As you know from my recent posts, I'm going through something very difficult in my life right now. The other day I watched sex and the city the movie. I love this movie! mainly because I used to watch the series and I absolutely love those NYC ladies! I would always tell my friends in NYC that I wish I could write an underground version of sex and the city and by this I mean the story of friends in NYC who don't have money or live on the upper east or west side. A story about four friends from the hood and how different their life is!
I saw them filming this movie or at least a scene from the movie. I used to work on 42nd street Grand Central literally right across the street from the station, that is only a few blocks away from the main library on 5th avenue where they filmed a scene where Carrie (the main character) gets out of a limousine and starts beating Big (the male main character) up with her flowers! in this scene she's in her wedding dress and he had just left her in the "alter." It was so cool watching them film that scene and I got to watch it by accident because I happen to be on my lunch break and walking in that direction and I got lucky and got to see them filming that scene! it was cool seeing them filming it and then seeing it on the big screen! I miss NYC! I got to see so many famous people and see so many films being made etc. I miss home all the time!
So I was watching the movie and there is another scene where Carrie is talking to Big about a book that she is reading called Love Letters of Great Men. I decided to go get the book and found out that the book was actually made after they showed that scene in the movie because people wanted the book but the book actually didn't exist yet, at least not the version she was referring to in the movie. However, because so many people wanted the book they actually created the book that was referenced in the movie.
The book is a compilation of love letters written by famous men throughout history. I think that is so cool! Below is my favorite letter, I'm literally typing what is in the book. I should also note that I cried so much when I read this letter. Not only is it so touching but it was written by Beethoven! that's so damn cool!
Letter from Ludwig Van Beethoven - He was never married so there is no proof of who this letter was written to, it was found in his belongings when he passed - (1770-1827) it is believed that it might have been for Antonie Brentano (1780-1869)
Good morning on 7 July
Even in my bed my ideas yearn towards you, my Immortal Beloved, here and there joyfully, then again sadly, awaiting from Fate, whether it will listen to us. I can only live, either altogether with you or not at all. Yes, I have determined to wander about for so long far away, until I can fly into your arms and call myself quite at home with you, can send my soul enveloped by yours into the realm of spirits - yes, I regret, it must be. You will get over it all the more as you know my faithfulness to you; never another one can own my heart, never - never! O God, why must one go away a miserable life. Your love made me the happiest and unhappiest at the same time. At my actual age I should need some continuity, sameness of life - can that exist under our circumstances? Angel, I just hear that the post goes out every day - and must close therefore, so that you get the L. at once. Be calm - love me - to-day - Yesterday. What longing in tears for you - You - my Life - my All - farewell. Oh go on loving me - never doubt the faith-fullest heart Of your beloved L
Ever thine.
Ever mine.
Ever ours.
Now I know why he made such beautiful symphonies! My favorite is Moonlight Sonata
Dear Journal - this journal entry was originally written on 10/9
What more could be said to someone that is but the shell of someone you once knew or once loved or still love?
“I’m sorry you are hurting” That’s sort of what you tell your friend who someone else did something wrong to and you are the outsider watching it happen and you feel bad for your friend so you tell them you are sorry because you really are, but you have no responsibility in that pain they are feeling. That is what was said to me. I’m sorry you are hurting!
I believe that if the person that caused me the pain that I was feeling can’t even take responsibility for their actions, then why bother saying they are sorry that you are hurting or even saying anything at all?
Being sorry is being able to acknowledge and telling the person exactly what you are sorry about. Admitting that what you did was wrong, expressing to that person that you hear them and that you know what you did was wrong, admit that whatever you did was because you didn’t know how to handle the situation or that maybe your own feelings had changed and you didn’t know what you wanted. There are so many ways to apologize but to pretend that you weren’t the cause of someone’s pain and say sorry to make yourself feel better is such a coward move!
And I’m so angry that someone would have the audacity to say something like that to someone you repeatedly tortured. I feel as if I was sat on a chair and tied up and beat, and I had no choice but to sit there and take the beating because my hands were tied. To lie and deceive and continue to lie and deceive and then not accept or take responsibility for it, what type of human does that? I’m disgusted in myself that I was fooled for so long and that I allowed someone to play with my emotions and make me believe that I was the bad one for so long.
I’m amazing! I take full responsibility for my actions, I say I’m sorry when I know that I’m wrong! I work hard everyday to be a better me so that I bring joy to someone’s life. I’m honest about my feelings and intentions. I believe that being genuine and vulnerable and sincere is a gift and I understand that everyone doesn’t have to love you or want to be part of your life if they choose too, but to play with someone’s life and emotions, that is not ok and I am a believer that what we do to others eventually comes back to us, so instead of me going on and on and on to someone that caused me so much anxiety, anguish and pain I decided to just write to you my ever so loving journal, put it on this internet page so that it is out there in the world and out of my system, because I’m done giving away my power, I’m letting go of this pain and suffering, I’m moving forward and becoming better because of it. I am forgiving because if I don’t I will have to carry that burden and don’t want too anymore. I’ve said and said and said and my words have fallen upon deaf ears, so I don’t need to keep saying.
I only hope that this individual that caused me to feel all this pain, may one day recognize that what they did was wrong, and that telling someone you love them should be an honest thing and that people are not made of wood and that you should know what you want before you speak. And that you should think before you speak. I think it's funny that this same person once told me that I needed to think before I spoke, yet they said and said and said and their actions contradicted their words. I always say actions speak louder than words and there is no truer saying. Our word should be our bond!
When I wrote this journal entry, it made me think of the song from Madonna, for a minute I thought I would loose my mind!
Journal, I'll leave you with my favorite I'm sorry salsa song, that Ronald (may his soul RIP) dedicated to me once.
My heart is aching, why my love, where did we go wrong? Was I too much? Where you to much? In what world could we have been better? Your lips I will always miss, the tender kisses we often shared, the love we showed each other when no one else was there.
Oh my love, my heart it aches, no one but you could take away this pain, but now I know that it wasn’t true, the words you used were all so painful, like stabs to my heart with wooden splinters from an unfinished table. I will never remember the wonderful moments for those leave our memories once the heart is broken.
Oh my love what will I do with out you? I don’t know this world anymore, for my world was you and now you are gone!
I have so many journals that I have not published, mainly because they were very personal journal entries that I wrote whenever I was going through stuff with my ex (Chino) that's not his real name. Anyway, he died (to me, not in real life) so I have decided to start posting things I wrote through out the 4 years I spent with him.
I'm still very deeply hurt and emotional about this and definitely not over it all, however, when I look back at my journals I realize that I should of let go of this person over two years ago, yet I stayed because for some reason I thought that I could make things better, and that I would beat the odds, but mostly, I didn't want to fail at yet another relationship. It's hard accepting the hard truth sometimes.
Today marks a month that we broke up and today I felt ok. Time really does heal wounds. I have to believe that and I have to read these old journals to remind myself that it's ok to fail and it's ok to want to try and it's ok to give chances, but it's also important to know your self worth and to love yourself. If I don't love myself, then how will I ever love someone else?
I also want to make this post public because sometimes I talk to people and they tell me how they are still in or how they stayed in relationships even when they deep down always knew it wasn't right or that the person they were with didn't acknowledge or cared enough about them to work on it with them. I also want to share these because I'm in the process of letting go and putting this on here makes everything REAL! this is my journal my life and I'm not embarrassed to share these things because I'm not the only human being that goes through these things and I'm done hiding and even more so, I'm done hiding things from others and myself as if I did something wrong.
It takes two to tango! additionally, all these entries just show red flags left and right but when you are in it, you just don't want to see it! It blows my mind how I felt this way almost 3 years ago and felt this way right until the very end, FOUR YEARS WASTED!
This journal entry was originally written on August 12, 2017 @7:08 p.m. on my iPhone notes.
I don't know how I'm supposed to move on from something that is so difficult and I'm supposed to be ok and if I'm not he gets mad at me like I'm the one that did something wrong?
Like how am I supposed to do that and when is this feeling going to go away or is it ever going to go away? Cause I don't want to live like this I really don't, I feel sick to my stomach anxious and just plain bad.
What is going on in my world? What the FUCK! Not only do you do something SO fucked up, but then you expect me to be ok and act like you didn't just fuck me over like I didn't mean anything to him! Fuck this, I'm done feeling like shit because of him.
Is it important that every couple have "a song" I don't know if that is just a dumb tradition or if it's an absolute thing, but I don't think I can remember ever having a song with anyone, which sort of makes me sad because I've been in plenty relationships in my life but I can't honestly say when a song comes on, oh wow that was mine and xyz's song. Sure as I'm writing this post that brings tears to my eyes because I'm super emotional. But I was listening to music and all of a sudden, I found my "future our song" which I mean I don't know who or when I will be in love again, but I hope that whomever that wonderful man may be, that he will be ok with this being our song!
When I opened up my laptop and saw the date, the first thing I thought was..... I think today is Ben's bday! (Benjamin Nunez) that's not his name! so I was like, well I'm too lazy to grab my phone and look on FB to see if it is, and I never remember my FB password so can't do that either, so I googled him and of course he popped up everywhere as he has been blogging for years and has many followers and actually gets comments on his blog, not like me I get zero! but I did see that my page view had gone up, which always makes me happy cause it's nice to know that people (hopefully strangers) are curious to read something or that my blog came up on a search or something. I can't tell who reads my posts but I can tell that there were hits to my blog. So on the web I found out that he also has a YouTube page and I started to listen to one of his videos and 2 seconds later I was like, well, I don't care and I went onto this blog to start writing this post. It so weird to me how he doesn't matter to me now but once upon a time he was all I could think about and now he is just another person to me. He was meaningful though, without him I would not have this blog, he inspired me and that's why here I am still writing! I often get mad at myself because I feel that if I would of stuck to my writing, I would likely have more followers or readers by now and also that I could of thought of so many interesting things to write other than my probably boring life to the masses.
Tonight I'm going to write about my very first experience in my current role, because this story has to be told as it is pretty sad and happens way to often in this world. My current role is working as a social caseworker, working with justice involved youth. I am really excited about this role because when I was in my teens, I feel that my HS counselor changed my life and while I cannot at this time say why she changed my life, I can say that the impact she had on my life was pretty meaningful, so I believe that working with youth is meaningful and can be life changing and I only hope that 20 years from now someone can say, this woman Jazzy who was my social worker changed my life! that would be awesome!
So I get my first case and I'm supposed to meet the family so I call the family and talk to the dad and he tells me that he's grateful to get any support he can with his son, who suffers from mental health issues and that he is really out of control and ran away and they have no idea where he is (this is all I can say about the story) I had a long conversation with dad that morning and we agreed that I would meet the family once son was found and back home. Well, when I reached out to the family the next time, I find out an hour after I message the family to touch base, that the child had passed away presumably from an overdose.
My reaction to this news was to start to cry really hard! (I didn't get the news from the family, I got it from my boss over an instant message) I was so devastated that a child had just lost his life to drugs! anytime someone dies of a drug overdose it reminds me of the huge problem we have in this country and all over this world with drugs. It also reminds me of all the people in my personal life I have lost to this horrible disease! I was so sad for this family and felt really weird because this was my first experience in my current role. That day was rough for me, I kept thinking that I don't know if this is the type of work I want to continue doing, yet I feel that if I left this kind of work, I would probably miss it. I am not sure but sometimes I just feel that this is what I'm supposed to be doing and that life's journey has brought me here to this moment to this role.
I'm going through many different things right now, so I really like to listen to the song I will post at the end of this post. I like it so much because it takes me back to my room in my apt. in Brooklyn, where I first started writing this my journal. This song reminds me that I overcame so much stuff in my life time and that I'm sure that I will overcome so much more. Some days when I'm really down, I think of those who have taken their own lives and I think to myself, I can understand how sometimes life can be so hard and so challenging and so sad and I can understand almost why you would want to just leave it. But, do we really know if death will be better than this what we go through here? I hope and pray that if anyone ever feels that way especially a youth that I'm working with, that they can talk to me about it, who knows, I might just direct them to my blog and say...... You want to read about sad shit, check out this blog! sure I mainly post my sob stories, but I assure you I have had so many happy moments as well. Life is like a wave and you just have to know how to ride it and if you fall, you have to get up and try riding the wave again and again and while you will probably never master it, you will at least learn how to cope.
While I was in my car crying the other day and the song came on, I thought to myself, why am I crying? it could be worse, I could of just lost my 16 year old son! and that made me cry even harder because I will never know what that poor family must be going through and how they must be blaming themselves about what happened. I only hope that they will not break apart and that they will find comfort in each other. I hope that this angel is resting somewhere beautiful and that maybe there is a better place that we go to when our time is here.
On Wednesday I started a new virtual class at the School of Practical Philosophy! I'm so excited that I'm able to take this 10 week class again after all these years 9 to be exact. That seems so long ago yet not really. During the first class, we talked about a few topics but the one that I remembered most was the practice of saying "what would a wise person do?" listening to that brought me back to 9 years ago and I broke down in tears.
When I attended the school back then, I mainly did so because I knew Benjamin (that's not his real name) would be attending the classes, at that point I had not seen him in a few years and when I did, I remember I had to run out to central park during my break to cry. I feel that my life has been filled with so much sadness when it comes to love, it almost makes you want to give up on it, but then I remember that not everyone is the same and that sometimes you have to experience great hurt, to appreciate great love when it does come to your life.
I did cry during the first session reminiscing on a love that I once knew. The love that was so great that it took me years to overcome, but here I am writing about it once again and feeling ok, and knowing that I did in fact move on from that heart ache. The other day or maybe a few months ago, I was looking at Ben's FB page (we are not friends but he's sort of a public figure so he writes about technology and posts on FB, Twitter etc.) anyway, I had not done that in a really long time but every now and then I like to check to see how he's doing, in a very weird way he was a very significant part of my life and some days I wonder if our paths will ever cross again. So I'm looking at his posts and he had posted a song that he had posted way back when we played our virtual mind games and for a brief moment I thought, is this for me? and I was so tempted to post something back almost to say hey I'm still watching or hey, I see what you did or hey look, I still think of you from time to time, but then I decided that those games we played were more hurtful than great.
I wonder if other people have played the game he and I did, I know he was playing it with me, because when we were both attending the School of Practical Philosophy we were having a conversation where I referenced something I had posted on FB and his response to that almost automatically without thinking it through was "oh I saw that!" he and I were not friends on FB so for him to say that meant he did look at my stuff he saw my responses and he played the game with me. Another day he said to me, it was SO HARD not responding to your text sometimes and I thought, then why didn't you? The best thing that came out of all those games was this journal, this journal means so much to me and I'm happy to be back sitting with my laptop and writing, I feel inspired and motivated and think that I want to take another writing class or join a writing group or something that will keep me doing this what I love to do!
When I think back about why I left NYC, I know now that I left because I felt defeated, I've been feeling defeated again lately, luckily I have this journal, great people in my life and a bunch of coping strategies to help me through my difficult times, but sometimes I definitely see how life can really be hard when you don't have any of those things or none. I see how our minds can be so manipulative and how we can tell ourselves things that aren't even true because we are our worst critiques.
Journal, going back to the School of Practical Philosophy has made me miss home so badly! if I could go back tomorrow I would. I wish I could even just go for a long visit, I just miss my Brooklyn so much! I am looking forward to reminding myself before I act, "what would a wise person do" and hopefully figure out ways to cope with the things that life throws at us everyday!
Here are the posts I wrote about the school before:
I feel like it's safe to say that we all FB stalk every now and then, I had been off from FB for a really long time and then I got back on and sometimes I enjoy it but I don't feel that I go on it as much as I did years ago because I just like Twitter better. But yesterday I was having a really rough day and for some reason I thought about the man in B5 Wilferm! (that's not his real name) but he did tell me once that I could use that name as his alias for my blog. Anyway, he doesn't have a FB page or maybe he does I feel like I found something weird that he would do so it might be his, but either way, I know names of people in his family so I looked up someone's name hoping that maybe they had posted a picture of my old friend and that maybe I could see him.
WELL, to my surprise the person I looked up had posted pictures of their wedding, which I recall the wedding because the wedding was when he and I were friends and him and I had talked about it and he had told me he was part of the wedding party. When I looked at the pictures and saw him in one of those old wedding pictures I thought to myself....... WOW! He was truly the man I would of never left NYC for! I swear that the connection I felt with him was so unreal and I wish he would of seen what I did, but such is life!
I once told him I did that, you know looked up his family on FB and he got annoyed at me, I'm not sure why he was annoyed, I wasn't stalking them I simply missed my friend and wanted to see if I could know something about him, we are human that is what we do sometimes. I don't talk to him anymore but there are SO MANY TIMES when I want to message him so badly and say hello, but I'm afraid he won't respond and I just don't feel like feeling like shit. I saved the picture that I saw of him on my phone because the next person I fall in love with, is going to look just like him and is going to have similar traits. He is tall thin and has dark hair dark brown eyes and the most amazing lips that I got to kiss and that was fun! He has a pretty cool family, they just all seem so chill. I remember him telling me that his mom was a hippie and she seems like she is and that's pretty darn cool!
No matter how many heart breaks you go through journal, there is always that memory of the people that you've met that should set the standard for what you want. I lost myself in a world of lies and deceit and heartache and pain, but I always come back better! I KNOW that my one is out there with all the wrong girls, and one day we will meet. Who knows, maybe one day Wilferm will come to his senses and contact me again! IMAGINE? I would move back to Brooklyn in a NYC minute if that ever happened! one can wish and dream and hope, this is my journal and I'll wish if I want to!
Ps. tomorrow I start virtual School of Practical Philosophy and I cannot wait!!! so exciting!
I had published this post originally on September 30, 2020 at 7:45 a.m., But took it down after my ex and I broke up because I was to embarrassed to have it up after we broke up, mainly because I felt so ridiculous and because I could not bare what I was going through. For the record, my ex proposed to me at the beach in Seaside, Oregon. I can't remember the date I wish I did, but it was right before I moved back to CO. Him asking me to marry him really took me by surprise, although we had talked about it before, I had no idea that he was going to ask me on Sunday afternoon, I know it was on a Sunday because that was the only day we both had off so we would often go to the beach together on Sunday's. The crazy thing is, that we had been to the beach so many times but had never gone into the water together because anytime we went to the beach it was in the Pacific North West and the water was freezing! we had also been to the beach in San Francisco, but it was also cold. Our plan was to eventually go to Miami together and finally get in the water together, we never had the chance to do so. I remember he was in the car and I had got out of the car and was by the boardwalk, there was no one around as it was still pretty cold out. Then he came to where I was standing and looked at me and said, "baby, will you marry me?" I could tell he was a bit nervous and I was definitely taken aback but then I was like of course I will! and I remember tearing up because I was so happy. Also for the record, he didn't go on his knees nor did he have a ring so I felt a little disappointed about that, but we talked about the ring he was going to buy me and stuff like that after. I am picky but nor really! I told him I wanted him to pick it as he knew my taste in stuff. He was always such a thoughtful gift giver, I will miss him for a long time to come! I hope with all my heart he is well!
Dear journal - 8/30/2020
I want to start writing again, I often still talk about you and the other day I was telling someone how I had a blog and they thought that was so cool! When I told her it was about my personal life she said it didn't matter, the point is that I write (I don't really anymore) but why can't I find that drive to do so again?
Anyway, I came on here this morning for a very important reason at least to me it's important. I woke up at almost 6 a.m. this morning and couldn't sleep, I couldn't sleep because I was exhausted last night and went to bed really early. When I wake up I like to go through my emails because I'm subscribed to a lot of different blogs about mainly health topics, so I typically read the email subject and if it's an article I want to read but don't have time at the moment, I leave it in my inbox to read it later. I have so many articles piled up, so getting up early is nice because I feel like I have extra time for myself. So, I get up and start going through my emails and realize I have emails saved from 2010! HOLY SHIT! I didn't even know I had stuff from that long ago! some of them were college homework that I had submitted to one of my professors!
I also came across an email that I wrote to myself in April 2010 when I was "madly in love with Benjamin Nunez" while that isn't his real name, he was the reason and inspiration for me to start this blog and that is the ONLY reason why I'm mentioning him on this post, because reading that email brings me to why I'm writing this specific post right now.
When I read the email, I started crying so hard, because I realized in that moment that Benjamin Nunez, was never really "My love" he was someone that maybe had to pass through my life so that I could find out in some weird way, so many things about myself. Benjamin and I met while I was pregnant with my daughter (I was also separated from my then husband) Benjamin and I became friends in person and soon after we stopped seeing each other in person because he left the building where we both worked, so when he told me he was leaving his job at the time, he gave me his business card and we stayed in touch vie email/txt/internet messaging and established a friendship that way. We eventually saw each other again, but we never even shared a kiss, he was my "friend" who really wasn't a good friend. My point is that during that time of my life I was so "in it" I didn't realize the harm this person had caused me and while now I don't have any ill feelings toward him, I know for a fact, that he was definitely not "my love" because true love looks VERY different than what I experienced then. What that experience did do to me, was it made me create a wall so high, that I never thought I could ever love anyone ever again in my life.
Fast forward 10 years later and here I am again on this blog but this time with a story that fills my heart with nothing but joy! I have written about my current love only a few times on this blog, there are so many reasons why I think that I haven't written about him often, the main one being that I wanted our life to be private. I asked him in the past if he cared if I wrote about us and he said he didn't, yet I don't know, I just wanted our love to be our love I guess. Yet anytime I have ever written about him, it's only ever been about the bad things that have happened, or how he may have hurt me or how we have broken up etc. yet never once, have I written a good thing that has happened between us or how we have successfully found each other time and time again no matter what we go through!
Why is it journal that we only tell our sad stories and not share our happy ones? is it that deep down inside we are afraid that people may judge negatively that we are happy? OR better yet, is it that I'm so afraid of being happy that I'm afraid to write it because then it's real? OR maybe I'm afraid that sharing my happiness with people might make them feel a certain way? as the saying goes, haters gonna hate! Makes me sad to put this in writing to express these things on my blog because as I'm writing this I realize how many times I haven't shared a good thing because I was afraid of being judged and that shouldn't be ok. The only time I let go of this fear, is when get really angry and tell myself that everyone can go fuck themselves because guess what, NO ONE TAKES CARE OF JAZZY BUT JAZZY! and therefore, who cares what anyone thinks right? right!
Journal, without further a do, I want to share with you that I am engaged and that I am happy and that I found MY TRUE LOVE! yes I did! This man came into my life 4 years ago and since that time, we have been through SO MUCH! but when I think about why we've been through all these trials and tribulations, I realize that most of the time, it was because my WALLS WERE SO HIGH, that when I think back at our relationship, I can almost imagine him with a chisel trying to break those walls down and me putting those brick blocks back up! obviously, it's way more complicated than that and I by no means mean to say that he isn't human and doesn't make his own mistakes and that we have had to learn together or that he hasn't done things that weren't ok, however no matter what, he has never given up on me and I don't give up on him and this is exactly what has kept us loving each other the way we do. I feel like he has fought for me without hesitation or fear, he's so fearless when it comes to the way he loves me, I don't think anyone has ever loved me that way before and I feel so blessed and so lucky that someone loves me that way.
I also don't think I would of ever realized any of this, had it not been for the help of my last therapist, I went to her for over a year and she was truly amazing and she helped me SO MUCH and she helped me realize that I COULD let the walls come down and that I DID deserve to be loved and be happy! I am so grateful to her! and thanks to her I feel a sense of freedom and like a heavy burden has been lifted, I don't walk around feeling scared to love someone and let him love me. I'm also thankful and grateful that he never gave up on me.
Will I come back on this journal one day and tell you a story of something that went wrong between us again at some point or about an argument? maybe, I mean we are human and it won't always be perfect, but you best believe I'll be on here bragging about my love when he does something great too! because why not? the point of me starting this journal 10 years ago was so that I could share my story, no matter how insignificant it may be to the world, but this is my story and if nothing else, it's out there some way some how! and I've had over 40 thousand hits to this blog and I don't know who is looking at it, but I get hits on it and I don't even post anything anymore or go on to my blog. Imagine if I would of kept writing? I even made a few dollars from this blog (never claimed the money) but as my writing professor said to me, if you get paid for it then you are a writer!
So here I am once again journal to tell you that I am engaged to chino (that's not his real name) but I am and I am thrilled and I LOVE HIM SOOOOOO MUCH! and this post is dedicated to him and so is the song that I will leave you with at the end of this post, because I came across the song while going through my phone and while having a morning filled with realizations and when I heard it I cried SO HARD! but out of happiness because the lyrics of this beautiful song, express how I feel about my love! and that was what made me get on my laptop and start writing!
CS - Thank you my love for helping me find my inspiration to write again and to be able to share a happy moment in my life and express without being afraid of what the world has to say about us.
I dedicate this song to you! - CJS FOREVER!
Never Knew love like this before - Stephanie Mills
It's been so long, I don't even know where to start. I guess I can start by saying that life has been so complicated and different for me in the past few years, that I sort of lost myself in a way that I don't know how to explain and that so much has happened that I don't even know where I would start.
I lived in Oregon for two years or 1 year and 11 months to be exact, for the most part I was pretty happy there, my oldest son who is in the military was stationed in Washington about 2 hours from me, so I was seeing him about once a month and it was so great! I loved being close to him because we had been living apart for 4 years since I had moved from NYC to CO and being close to him made me feel really happy, but then in December of 2019 he left to Europe on a military assignment and after he was gone, things just didn't seem the same. The day that he left, I couldn't get up from bed because I was so extremely depressed, I had to call out from work because I literally couldn't get up, so after that day I began to think of life and try and figure out what was next for me.
While I was there in Oregon, I was in a relationship with the same person I had been in a relationship with since I lived in CO, he went with me to OR because that is where he also wanted to be, so at the time it was a win win situation for me, my partner was happy to go to OR and I was happy to go also because I would be close to my son. However, my relationship was less than perfect and while I was in OR my partner lost his best friend. I have never had to experience someone loosing someone and loosing themselves in the process and I can't even get into it right now because I have a pretty bad headache, but I will say this, in my mind I could not grasp why he was taking out on me the fact that he had lost his friend, I had not done anything to him or at least I didn't think I had. Nonetheless, I tried to be supportive in anyway that I could knowing that nothing I did or would do would change the way he felt or the way he was treating me.
In January of 2020 I visited my granddaughter in CO during my visit, I also lost my grandmother. Loosing her was pretty hard but I was expecting it so it wasn't a shock to my system it was sort of a relief to know that she would finally stop her suffering. My grandma, she remembered us all until her dying day. After that happened, I decided that I needed to move back because I just felt that I needed to be closer to my granddaughter and younger son.
I went back to OR and told my partner that I had made this decision and he let me know he would not be going back with me. So much has happened but I don't really want to get into the details. The reason why I'm writing this post is because I need to get all this out of my system. I'm writing this post because my partner started off by saying he wouldn't go back with me and then he said he would and then not and then yes and I lived with this uncertainty for 4 months. Finally right as I had everything ready, I was proposed to and assured that he would go with me because he loved me and didn't want to loose me. Fast forward to now, 3 weeks into being back in CO and the hesitation of him coming started again, so what did I do? I let him go.
Dear journal, if you love someone you let them go, if you believe that they will be happy somewhere and that somewhere is not next to you then it's ok, you accept. I'm writing because I'm numb, one moment I'm hurt the next I try to use logic to understand why this is all ok, and the next I'm completely heart broken because someone asked me to trust him, someone asked me to marry him and that same someone couldn't make it out to me because after he lost his friend he lost himself and hasn't been able to get back to a place of inner happiness and inner peace and to be honest I'm done trying as I cannot make anyone that isn't happy be happy just by being there, or doing what he needs so that he can be happy. Being someone's significant other doesn't mean making that person happy, or being the reason they are happy; it means making their happy life happier. I'm sorry I couldn't make his life happier, I'm sorry he hurt me and I'm sorry that I won't have him in my life anymore, but I'm not sorry that I'm back in CO and that I did what I needed to do for me. Life is hard, life is just hard!
