The secret crush!

 Dear Journal -

Hi! Can I just say that I've been thinking a whole lot about you as of late? I sure have! I always think about what I need to write to you about next, and I mentally prepare my journal entry and think it through and then when I finally get to it, it never quite comes through the way I intended! So, on 12/22/21 you turned 11 years old journal! 11! wow! that's a long time ago! I never imagined 11 years ago that I would still have you or would still be telling my story to you and I definitely never thought that I would sort of be re-living certain situations! sometimes, my life feels like deja vu! It feels that way sometimes because no matter how old you are, if you are single, the same games are being played just different players are involved.  So, that is why journal I decided to be just like I was 11  years ago, I decided to do what I am really good at, which is "turning off my humanity" let me explain!

One of my favorite shows is the vampire diaries, I randomly will watch an episode and be like.... OH SHIT! I forgot about that! I absolutely LOVE vampires! their passion, their desires, their immortality! sure, we all typically live most of our lives in some sort of emotional chaos in my opinion and that is what being a vampire is like! so MANY EMOTIONS! in the show, when a vampire "turns off their humanity" what they basically do, is just shut down! so instead of their feelings being heightened, they tap into their "beast side" and become ruthless! That's what I've done lately! not really the ruthless part, mainly just letting go of things that hurt me and just pretty much shutting down.  I have absolutely NO desire to care for anyone and this is all inclusive family, friends and to be completely honest, not even my children!

I know this all sounds pretty fucked up, but I had to do this for my self love, I had to really take a look at people's roles in my life and consider, what if any, value or let me not use the term value as every human is valuable, but just what exactly I was giving and what exactly I was getting and if I was giving more, then why was I doing that? again, this includes my kids. Why do you ask I did this journal? well, when I think of me and my self love, I wonder, how can I love myself if I'm allowing others to walk all over me? How can I take care of my health and mental well being, if I let people treat me how ever they feel like it and why do I feel like these obligations to people when in reality no ONE, not even my children do anything for me? what about Jazzy? So when I shut down all of a sudden everything became very clear to me and I started to really take control of my life, including my work life which was taking a HUGE toll on me, I had to really think through what was important and what were my true obligations and that's how I shut down my humanity, I became a little selfish and a lot of peaceful!

I've been feeling really really good lately! I feel this sense of inner peace and freedom! I talk to those who I feel are people that truly care for me and that have  been there when I've needed someone to just hear me out, or when I needed to cry or when I needed to vent, there is less than a handful of people I can truly say I count on! As far as my kids, I had a conversation with them each and told them how I felt and the role they played in it all and well the only one that doesn't get it and I don't intend that she will for many years to come, is my teenage daughter, whom is really the ONLY one I still have an obligation to.  Other than that, I am on my own and I'm ok with that, because I rather be alone than in bad company or company that is not really serving my soul.

So, why the secret crush title you ask journal? well, this little tiny story that I'm about to tell you started around 6 years ago when I used to work at the shelter.  Part of my role there was to attend court some Monday's to pick up protection orders that were usually given out to victims of domestic violence.  Everyone at the shelter would always bitch and complain about the judge that was there weekly, but me on the other hand, when I firs saw him I was like.... WELL HELLO JUDGE! I thought he was sort of handsome, but mainly I was in awe about just the fact that he had all this power over everyone in his court room, basically, I was crushing over his power! because let's be honest here journal, what woman doesn't want a man in power? I've always had a thing for men in power, I don't know, it's something about well, their power that turns me on I guess! so, whenever someone would talk about this said judge, the sentence to follow would be like, XYZ, Jazzy's man! I have absolutely NO IDEA at which point he became "my man" but I wasn't going to complain about that comment, who am I to be upset about him being my man? fuck yea he was "my man" in my dreams! HA! truly though, I never like lusted over him, like I never sat around and imagined myself rolling around a bed with him, it wasn't that sort of crush, it was more so well... he was a man in power!

I eventually left that position moved to Oregon lived my life never ever again remembered the "Jazzy's man story" until I started my new position! so fast forward to summer of 2020, I start my new position and I'm told that as part of my role, I have to attend court, I'm like oh cool, I used to do that before, I'm also told I will be attending weekly meetings with one of the judges from the court so I'm like oh cool! so, I am ready to take notes for my very first meeting with said judge and when he comes on the call "it was virtual due to covid" my mouth drops and I'm like HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!! it's HIM! "MY MAN!" I automatically blushed even though there was not one soul in the room with me, just me in my living room on this call, so I same time my co-worker and tell her about this story and she's like OMG that is so hilarious! Needless to say word gets out on my team that well, he's "MY MAN" and the joke starts all over again, however, this time things are way different, I find out that he's happily married and I hear all these great things about him, so now I'm like WOW! not ONLY is he a "man in power" but in "real life" he's freaking awesome! now I'm sitting in these weekly meetings with him scared to death to open my mouth and when I have to speak I'm so freaking scared and feel so awkward, this man makes me feel like NO OTHER MAN DOES! but it's not sexual it's more like admiration or I don't know, the fact that "HE HAS POWER!" it's pretty insane! 

Then, the jokes with co-workers start and again I don't mind, you can call him my man all you want, we joke about how we think he "secretly says little things that are directed at me" which in reality he NEVER DOES! but, I have to communicate with him ore often, I have to write him letters and one day he sends me a message asking me for a reference, which that's all I'll say about that but I'm like holy shit this is so crazy! then the "crush" starts to fade and now I think of him more so with admiration because he truly cares about the community he serves and is so extremely smart and caring and really funny! and finally I tell people well I did used to "crush" on him, but now I just love him he's awesome!

But, the reason why I wanted to write this post was because something really awesome happened a few weeks ago that made me feel really good! So we are at court, he usually confuses me for moms, or someone else, he's constantly apologizing for doing so, but a few weeks ago, he's talking about an issue and then he says my name!!! MY REAL NAME! and I was like HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!!! he knows me now! ok, I'm sorry! but hell yes I'm happy about that! this means that he admires my work, that he values my work and that he knows my role.  He knows all the people on my team so for him to finally know me meant a great deal to me.  I was super touched and I may have blushed under my mask and after I messaged my co-worker and said... YOU SEE! he loves me too! hahahahaha..... 

Journal, I believe that it's good to have something to laugh about even if sometimes you are the "butt" of the joke! one day, when I leave my role, I will likely send him this post, because I want him to know how much admiration I've had for him for all these years! 

I'll leave you with.... The Jets - Crush on you!

The silent treatment the vicious bitch!

 Dear Journal -

I really want to stick to my weekly journal posts, my blog has been getting more views and I love that! I really really wish that I got more female followers, I started writing this blog wanting it to be directed at women, but I think I get more males reading my journal than females and I don't know this because the stats tell me so, I think this because since I've been "soliciting" om Tinder, I've gotten a lot of new FB page likes, and they are all from males.  I need to start looking for women sites where I can post my blog link.  I hope that someone can read something on here that resonates with them or that makes them feel like.... OH WOW, that happens to me too! the point of my journal is not really to tell my story, it's more so to tell others that we are all sort of kind of the same and we all go through shit and it's ok, that's life!  

Speaking of Tinder, the other day my friend sent me a screen shot of this woman going off on him because he had emailed her and his message simply said "cream pie?" so, the woman went off on him and he writes back to her and is like... What, you don't like cream pies? HA! he's so silly! we constantly laugh about Tinder shenanigan's because most of the time it's so ridiculous on that site.  Anyway, I wasn't even sure what "cream pie" was, I thought it had a completely different meaning than it does, which was hilarious! I told my friend what I thought it meant and he sent me the right "definition" and I was like OMG! I can't believe at my age I don't know such things! 

I get the impression that sometimes people think that I'm like this I don't know, like, sexual person who is constantly ready to bang anything that moves or constantly getting laid, and that is so far from the truth.  I don't want to write too much about my sexuality until I write my book, but I'm going to say this; yes of course I love to have sex, who doesn't? however, to me, sex is more about quality not quantity.  Lately, having sex is like this HUGE task for it to happen in my life that I decided to shut my sexuality down so I literally just try not to think about anyone or anything related to sex.  I've done this before in my life and when I do, life is just easier.  Celibacy is good for ones soul, I'm pretty much done trying to "have a sex partner."

When my ex and I broke up it was really hard for me at first no longer having a consistent sex partner and for a long time that's what I was looking for, I just wanted someone who respects me and vice versa, but that is always almost harder than trying to find a boyfriend, wtf! you would think sex is simple, but it never is.  During the summer I would be like, I almost just want a boyfriend so I don't have to like "find" someone to have as a sex partner, because doing that has been a fucking shit show, not the first time in my life I've been in this situation, it always goes down this way, mainly because people are not clear with their intentions or they lead you on and or emotions get involved, it's just never easy.  So for now, farewell sex, till we meet again!

Anyway, I wanted to write today about a subject that I have been thinking about writing for a very long time but I never get around to.  To be honest writing about it causes me a little bit of anxiety, but I think it is something that needs to be on my journal because well, not to long ago I did something that after I did it, I felt shitty for doing it.  Basically I went off on someone and "told him about himself" because I felt really hurt by this person and he did something to me that just really pushed my buttons and then the next thing you know I was being verbally abusive to him.  No, I did not curse at him, I just said really mean things that while they were probably true, it was the way I said them that was really shitty.  

After the fact, he never responded to me again, or he did but then I responded back and then I don't know what happened or I guess I do know what happened I was well, verbally abusive and told him I no longer wanted to be friends with him, so instead of us talking about all of this like two adults, he started to ignore me which then made me feel like in the end, I was the "bad guy" when in reality, I had went off because of his behavior toward me.  After, I was thinking about the whole situation and how he and I have behaved toward each other and that's what made me start thinking about the cycle of abuse. especially because this was not the first time that things between him and I had went down this way.  Since I've known him, it's always been the same story, he does something shitty, I go off and he stops talking to me for whatever amount of time.  He comes back around, we start hanging out again and the cycle repeats itself.  While he and I are not in an intimate relationship or dating or anything like that, our for la ack of a better term "friendship" usually ends in me saying mean shit and me being the "bad guy." 

I worked in domestic violence for 3 years of my life, I always try to check myself in situations that feel weird like that.  It feels like a "cycle of abuse" because I'm verbally abusive to him and he is mentally abusive toward me.  Why do you ask? well, ignoring someone is a form of abuse even if people don't want to accept or admit that it is.  When you ignore someone, you are leaving that person to wonder and think and try and figure out what happened? and while to me, someone not saying anything is everything, that is not the case with everyone.  I also do understand that some people shut down when they don't like the way they are being treated, but shutting down for a day or two is very different than completely ignoring someone after an incident between the two.  With regard to this person, after I realized that what I did was really shitty, I felt like I needed to apologize which in turn almost made it seem like he did nothing wrong and I was a bitch and when he ignored me, I realized that whatever he does to me, just shows me his level of maturity and confirms that maybe my idea about who he is as a person is true.  Regardless, what I never understand is why aren't people mature enough to just tell you how they feel about something you did to them and vice-versa.  I believe all people are abusive to a certain extent, I become a vicious bitch when I feel disrespected in some way, when someone hurts me or I feel used.  But is this really abuse or is it bad communication?

There are many forms of domestic violence, I worked with intimate partner violence.  I would have to do phone screenings of people that were homeless due to domestic violence, I say people because the shelter I worked for, took in men and women.  I would have to screen the callers, to figure out if they were eligible to stay at the shelter, based on what the caller was telling me.  While that was really hard to do, the main thing I would always have to remember was, is this persons intimate partner, having "power and control" over this person calling for help.  

Most times, I would hear stories such as the one I just wrote with regards to this person that has been in my life and I've been "abusive" to and vice versa. I would hear women/men say, he/she ignores me, he/she leaves all upset and doesn't talk to me for days, he/she curses me out and talks to other people about me, this person shoved me the other day while we were having an argument.  While all those examples are examples of abusive behavior, that is not having power and control over an intimate partner.

Power and control is when you literally have fear of doing something because the person you are with will be so upset that they will physically harm you, won't let you out of your house, makes you cut communication with your loved ones, you are no longer allowed to have friends, this person has access to all your personal information where you don't have your own privacy, when you are out with this person this person is watching you like a hawk to see what you are looking at and there is a fear for your life, your well being, you are gaslighted which basically means that this person makes you question everything about yourself and your actions and they blame you for everything and call you crazy and you start to question if you really are making any sense.  Domestic violence is not only between intimate partners, domestic violence can be between parents and kids, others in the family etc.  But basically, true domestic violence is someone else having power and control over you.

In the US, 72% of all murder-suicides involve an intimate partner.  

If you need help because you read this post and you feel that you are in an abusive relationship, please get help.  You are NOT alone. 

Call - 1-800-799-7233 or Website - National Domestic Violence page - https://ncadv.org/get-help 

Heavy topic! I will leave you with........ Frozen - Madonna

Friends or Benefits?

 Dear journal -

I feel like I have so much to say but nothing at all at the same time! It's been an interesting last few weeks in my life, I feel very disconnected from people and I also feel very connected to a few people, it's been interesting to sort of figure out who means something to me, who cares about me and who was just passing through.  I realize that people come and go from our lives and my whole life I've been very social and know so many people, but I don't really get close to many, my circle is very tiny and it mainly consists of people I've known for many many years.  My dearest friends are far away, yet they mean the world to me.  Time and time again when I've needed them it's literally only been a txt, email or phone call away and there they are ready to be there for me, I feel really loved by some people I genuinely do, It's a blessing to know that there are people out there that really genuinely care about you.

Tonight I want to write about my friend D! he's become someone very special to me in the weirdest way ever! some days, I am confused about my feelings for him, because they go from romantic to platonic all the time! sometimes I get mad at myself for ever even considering romantic feelings for him, but then he will do something that is so special that I'm like, well.... How can you blame a girl? sure, I blame those sometimes romantic feelings to the fact that there are days that I yearn that closeness to the opposite sex, but mainly I think that just the fact that we have spent the last 4 months getting to know each other as friends, has really given me a sense of like, I guess, for a lack of better term, a feeling of... OH! why did I ever rush this when it could have turned into something and now it's nothing and it will likely never be nothing but I don't feel a connection to him I just feel close to him! does that even make sense? like I literally send him screenshots of conversations I have with men on dating sites and he tells me about women he talks to or whatever and there have been a few times that I've found myself feeling a little jealous but the truth is while I am attracted to him and we've been intimate a few times, I rather have him in my life as a friend, then not have him in my life at all. He is slowly becoming my new man best friend sort of! it's soooo weird, I just don't have any other explanation for it.  

Anyway, one of the reasons why I've become so close to him and love him as a friend is because not to long ago I was going through something really really hard and I had messaged him a video and as I was making the video, I starting crying in the video and during the rest of that day, he kept checking up on me and trying to make me laugh and telling me it was going to be ok and that day, I decided that I rather have him as my friend and never ever again sleep with him again if that meant I would loose him! not that he's like ever trying to sleep with me or anything like that, but we have, but that's not what we share, it's bigger than that, it's true and real and sincere and I love him so much! 

Then there are those that you feel this incredible connection too, that whenever you are close to them you can't seem to get enough of them, the one that you miss and yearn for, the one that you think about all the time, the one that the moment you saw him there was no denying that the chemistry was like no other and then, that same person, let's you down time and time again and they claim to be your friend, but in reality, they aren't really in your life, they are just there for their own purpose, for their needs only and those are the men, that I want to stay away from, the ones that play with you because they can, because they know some way some how, they have an affect on you, they lead you on because they can and they do.  But in the end, who's loosing out? is it really me? how am I loosing something I've never had? Being in a room for moments that feel completely happy, being in a house that just being there is all you need to be contempt, leaving a house and knowing that once you leave, you mean nothing.  Once you step out the door, you don't exist until next time.  Connection, or just merely attraction?

I'm not making much sense but I want to put this on my journal because most often than not, since I have a nasty temper I will say shitty things that in the end, I am the "bad guy" but if someone has apologized to you about their behavior toward you numerous times, then who is at fault here, is it me for guarding myself and getting angry and saying mean things, or is it the person that pushed your limits to make you say such things, the one to blame? If I say mean things to someone, they must have hurt me, pretty darn bad, because for the most part, I don't do that to people, I only turn into a vicious bitch, when I feel that someone is disrespecting me or using me or playing with me as if I'm some dumb bitch, that doesn't deserve a little bit of love and a lot of respect!

So, I had a dream about Benjamin Nunez last night! HOLY SHIT!!! that was sooo crazy journal! like I literally don't think about Benjamin ever really! I don't even visit his FB page anymore.  Also, I don't dream often or well, everyone dreams daily but I don't remember my dreams, so this morning I woke up and I was like.........WOW! that felt so real! I meant to write this post earlier and couldn't and now I can't remember what the dream was about, but it was crazy that I had such a vivid dream with him.  

In other Jazzy news, I am currently matched with 947 men on tinder! what the actual fuck! that seems to be all the available men in CO from the ages of 32-52 ha! yea, I mean not all of them message me of course and I never ever message anyone, but I've had some fun with people that message me and I have zero interest in anyone at the moment which feels AMAZING! like I just feel really great about my single life right now! I'm feeling like the old single me! I remember I used to cry some nights when things were going really bad with my ex and I would think, I miss being single so bad! I was good at being single, I suck at being in a relationship! I would often tell him, that I wasn't the relationship type and he was and how I could guarantee that we would break up and he would be in a serious relationship right away and who knows if I would ever do that shit again, and sure enough, here I am doing my damn single thing, and re-learning how to be single, it's so much fun! 

I think the only way I would be in a relationship is if things just like, evolved into that or I don't know, the person and I just felt that strong bond almost instantly! you know, like you are with that person and when you spend time together it just feel perfect, it just feel right and not just to one person but to both of us and there is no fear because it's just magic! and I know that magic isn't real, but you ever spend time with someone and the time goes by so fast and it feels so good when they are around and when they aren't you think of them and you don't fear sending a message and they don't fear sending a message because you know the other person is there with you? that, to me is real and legit and not scary and if it doesn't play out that way..... it's not meant to be and you just have fun in the moment and live your life! no expectations, just living!

I think I will be going to Vegas for New Years! I can't wait, I have not had a great New Years in YEARS! this year, I'm planning on ending it with a bang! and I don't know if I will get you know "banged" as that is not the reason why I'm going to Vegas, but you never know journal, cause you know what they say......... WHAT HAPPENS IN VEGAS....STAYS IN VEGAS!!! ta ta journal!

I've been listening to so many old school songs lately, mainly because when I am sad and going through a lot of things, I find a time where I was happy and listen to the music that brings me back there because being here is too painful! so I will leave you with......Mr. Telephone Man by New Edition.

Why men love bitches!

 Dear journal -

Life has been a bit much lately and I don't really want to talk about it, so instead, I decided to write my book report! I have not written about a book in some time, and I'm not sure how this post will carry out as I honestly haven't finished the book because it's been really hard to read and concentrate on what I'm reading lately, however, I really do want to write about it. 

The only thing I do want to share journal, is that the end of last month and this month so far, has been really hard for me.  I am going through so much! I feel really lost and sad, I feel like I lost a whole lot and yet I also feel like I am finally loving myself for the very first time in my whole life! for the first time, I choose me! I don't know how to be selfish because I usually am not, but I want to be, because why not?

I just cried a little while ago reading a post from 2011, that appeared on my list of most recently read blog posts.  I never know who reads my journal, but it will give me statuses such as, how many visits I am getting and what posts have been visited.  I love that, because someone will read a post I completely forgot about and then it will come up I will read it and feel all sorts of things! This post from 2011, I specifically remember when I wrote it.  It was one of the last times I saw Benjamin Nunez on the 1 train in NYC.  He got off on 14th street Union Square and that was the last time I set my eyes on him.  I will never forget the way my heart felt heavy as the train rode away and I saw his silhouette become smaller.  The silhouette, which coincidentally is the picture I have as my journal picture.  That silhouette was once his blog picture and I stole it at first and then asked him if I could have it.   I wrote about it and I will share the link to that post at the end of this one.

So, why do men love bitches according to author Sherry Argov? I've still yet to understand why? what I get out of this book is what we all pretty much know, which is.... men like to chase and if the more they have to chase you the more they want you! She pretty much goes into details about how to be chased and play the "game" to me, this is all bullshit! I literally hate being chased! it feels so fake! if I like someone and they like me, there will be non of that, so basically, I'm not going to play some game so that someone will "want me" the fuck! however, everything she says is true, all the tips and tricks are valid, I know for a fact that if you have the energy for all of that bullshit then sure, you will likely get the man you want, but why the fuck would I want to do all that work to "get" someone? I want someone to want me because they see me! they value me, they respect me, they think I'm great! no game required! every single person I've ever been in a serious committed relationship with, there have been no games played, at least not initially! my last relationship though, I definitely during the relationship found myself playing the "cat and mouse game" whenever my ex and I were going through stuff, I naturally would pull away and the more he felt that he was loosing me, the harder he would work to "get me back" but then, once we made up and things were good, we would stop the "game."

I have never been the type of woman who will like, fall for someone because they chased me, I definitely have seen how everything she says in the book is valid though, because I've "played the game" without meaning too! By this I mean that I have rejected people in the past that wouldn't take no for an answer and this gave them more like incentive to "keep trying" except I legitimately didn't want them too and it became really frustrating! I am very honest about my feelings always have been.  Even as a teenager when I didn't really know about the "chase" if I didn't like a boy I would be like, I'm sorry, I just don't like you! 

I do admit that at one point in my life I was like, well, what if I give this friend a chance maybe I'll eventually see him for what he is and fall in love with him.  Unfortunately, that never happened! when I am going to like someone, I know right then and there! if I don't like you romantically right then and there, I will never feel that way for that person.  This is just who I am, I HATE being chased! now, that doesn't mean that if I like someone and they show me attention I don't like it! obviously when I like someone romantically I want to be showered with it, but other than that, I feel so bad to turn someone down, it always feels crappy!

I have met women in my life time that thrive on this! they know the "game" and have gotten even fake boobs out of it! ugh! I could never use someone and play with their feelings to gain material things, but I've watched it happened so many times! sometimes I used to feel awkward when I knew a girlfriend of mine didn't really like someone and was just using them for whatever they were getting out of it.  Now, I always tell girlfriends.... If you don't like him, don't lead him on, that's not cool! Karma is real!

So I guess my review of this book is, if you want to learn about men and like their evolutionary behavior, then knock yourself out! read it! enjoy! learn some tricks of the trade I don't know what else to say about it! But, if you have studied human behavior or evolution or any of the likes, then I would say it might not be as an interesting read as it would be if you didn't know all these things!

At the end of the day, I don't think any man would love a bitch! I believe that a man wants to be loved just as hard as a woman does! Male emotions are very deep, very beautiful, very hard to understand and very complicated not only to themselves, but also to us women! while I understand them some times, I still don't always get them!

https://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2011/04/story-of-silhouette.html

https://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2011/05/story-of-silhouette-part-ii.html