I know I have been gone for a very long time! One of the main reasons has been that I have been working so much I don't always have time for other things. With the limited time I have, I try to get out and spend time with friends, I have to spend time with my daughter, granddaughter do self care stuff ie. massages and manicure pedicures, so I just always feel like I don't have enough hours in the day to do all the things that need to be done.
I have however written a few poems that I will put on here since I only have a few minutes before my next meeting. I wrote this about a week or two ago. I don't think I gave it a title so let's call it..........
Believe in you.
Disappear from my world, I cannot handle knowing your still in it, If you are here then I want you near me. For without you my life seems unclear.
You came into my world and it seemed it would be brighter but lies were told and truths were hidden and I became the wiser. That you were never a real friend and that all your truths would be uncovered in the end.
You said you were always honest but honest to who? Was it to feel better about you? Your words never matched your actions. The end would come I sought it out, but I thought without a doubt, that at least friends we would always be. But all you did was lie to me.
And all those moments were just to keep me around longer, you knew I was loyal, because I was older. And as I sit here writing this story, I only know that I feel sorry, sorry for you that you need validation, from woman to women seeking some pleasure as you feel that you were a failure.
I will tell you this however my ex friend, the fulfillment you seek are all within you, I know deep inside you still feel blue for what that other woman did to you! She broke your heart into pieces. She bared your children but didn't give you a family, yet that is what you truly and really wanted! And that is why when I met you, I felt that I needed to stay true to you. I wanted you to see your worth and that some of us are not the worse!
Now I know I stayed around for way to long, and yet you never even wrote me a song.
I’m hurting now and feeling betrayed, but one day winter will surely end and the spring weather will lift me up again! And I will blossom and I will glow even though your words were a blow. But no no one can break me the way someone broke you, because in your heart you will always be blue until you truly start believing in you.
The other day, I was asked out on a date and I MADE myself go! my now ex friend D, ex friend because he blocked me and is no longer talking to me; kept pressuring me saying that I needed to go out and meet new people. His words, you need to be under so you can get over it! Well, we got into this argument and I called him a man whore and then he said I thought I knew everything and I was just like fuck this! so I unfriended him on snapchat and the only reason why I did was because I thought to myself that it was best not to talk to him all day every day as he was becoming my boyfriend that I didn't have sex with! Who the fuck needs that? He and I met last summer and we were intimate not even a handful of times and then we just became friends, he started telling me about all his "women" and I would tell him my stuff and he was there for me a lot of times, when I was sad, when I was happy, when I needed someone to vent too. He told me all these things about women and I don't know, to me it's like ok you're a dude but that doesn't mean you have to sleep with everything that moves! His life is his and maybe I shouldn't have judged him and called him a man whore, but we had been getting into a lot of useless arguments so my thought was, if we don't snapchat, we won't talk as much. Well, the next day I went to send him a message about something legit and realized I hade been taken off and blocked on everything by him! OUCH! Regardless of all of that, I ended up deciding to go on a date, because I kept telling myself why not? what do I have to loose?
Ok, first let me just say that I NEVER care about going on dates, for as long as I remember I can't remember a time when I got excited or dressed up or did anything special to go meet a man for the first time when I've met them on a dating site. However, last Saturday I talked myself into getting excited about some dude that had asked me out to dinner (I also never like to go to dinner) but I said yes and he even offered to pick me up, but since I recently watched the Ted Bundy tapes on Netflix, there was no way in hell I was going to get in a car with a man I didn't know! (that documentary fucked my head up more on that in another post!). On Saturday afternoon I even went to Macy's and bought myself a new blouse because I wanted to get all dressed up and feel pretty for my date! So....... Fast forward to 7p.m. I'm all dressed up even wore stiletto heels! Side note, I don't ever wear stiletto's anymore because of my foot injury but I was like I don't care I'm going to look HOT! I felt really good and got in my car and started driving toward the restaurant where I was going to meet my date..........
Then it happened journal....... I started balling! I couldn't stop crying thinking..... why the fuck is this happening to me? I wasn't supposed to be on a date, I was supposed to be married right now and I cried and cried thinking about my ex! I felt so heartbroken! When I got close to the restaurant I got myself together, make up all over my face, but homeboy I was going to meet wasn't there yet so I had time to freshen up. When we finally met I thought he was really handsome we went in sat down ate a good dinner (I made sure to not talk with my mouth full) as someone had pointed out to me that I do that! no one had ever mentioned that to me and I was grateful that he did because hey..... I always want to be better and mind my manners and have some type of etiquette!
Homeboy and I had a great dinner great conversation it went well, I even gave him a good night kiss! with tongue! OH MY! I went on my merry way and decided on my ride back home that I would not be seeing him ever again! When I got home I had a message saying how great I was and beautiful and he would love to see me again bla bla bla and I said thanks it was fun and left it at that. The next morning I got the dreaded good morning text, which my friend makes fun of me for because I HATE those! If I'm seeing someone and like them I want to be showered with good morning and good night txts., but when I just met you, it irks me! I know, I'm weird! when I finally responded I let him know that it was nice meeting him but I was not ready to "be out there yet."
Fast forward to Sunday night. I started thinking about why people block other people on their phones social media whatever and I decided that I do it when I get into a situation that I CAN'T HANDLE emotionally I can't deal with it, I do it for me, it doesn't really have to do with the person I'm blocking, to me it feels like; if I block you, then I don't have access to you and I will be less likely to snoop or try to find something out or reach out to the person or whatever! so that same night, I decided that I was going to unblock a bunch of people I had blocked in the past that I felt that didn't affect me anymore, in other words, unblocking someone because what they do no longer concerns me and I'm likely not going to feel the urge to reach out to them or any of that. In other words, those people are people I knew but no longer communicate with and it's ok, I've dealt with it and feel ok about it.
When I started to unblock people, there he was, my ex and journal, let me tell you that the first thing I did when I unblocked him was to well....SNOOP! It was this incredible urge to see what he is up to, where are you? who are you with? why don't you talk to me? why aren't we married? I started going through his pictures and noticed that the picture of him and the woman he was with after me was gone and guess who's picture was still there... ours, his and mine one of the first pictures he and I took together in the snow and the caption read.... "This lovely snow with my baby." I started balling! and then I started snooping determined to find out what the fuck is going on with him because for a few months now I've had this feeling this premonition that something isn't right with him, that something is wrong, I have felt for months that he isn't ok! so I couldn't control myself and finally found someone I knew would be honest with me about his whereabouts, so I reached out to this person half afraid they wouldn't get back to me and two days later, there it was, the response!
I found out that my love nearly died and that he was not well at all! I found out that he isn't him anymore, that he isn't the person I once knew, I found out that while he was almost in a comma he kept calling out my name and telling me he loved me, I found out that he kept saying that I left him for another man, I found out that his whole family hates me because I left him when he needed me most! Journal, that is so far from the truth! He left me! had I known what was happening to him deep in his heart or that life was becoming overwhelming to him I would have NEVER left his side! I loved him more than anything! I had to make decisions that were really hard but we had a plan! He was suppose to come to me and we were going to get married, buy a house, get a dog and travel the world together! we had PLANS! he left ME! so when I heard all of this I was completely devastated and been so since.
This is all I can think about for the last few days! I just want to get on a plane to Oregon and hold him tight and tell him everything is going to be ok! tell him I'm there! tell him I'll never leave his side again! I'm so heartbroken journal! I do feel like I left him when he needed me the most, but I had no idea what he was doing, I would never leave the person I love when they need me, on the contrary, I will ALWAYS be there for the ones I love! so to think that a whole bunch of people hate me without knowing the truth, is really hurtful. The person that told me all of this is someone I trust and know wouldn't make this up, we cried together while they were telling me this sad horrible news.
I am so glad he is alive, because if the news would have been otherwise, I don't know that I would of been able to handle it, it's just too much to bare! I reached out to a family member and never heard back. Don't they know there is two sides to every story? If you are my friend, please don't ever say things to me like.... You ducked a bullet! when people say these things to me it really hurts me because only he and I know our story. He isn't a bad man, he's just a man going through trials a tribulations, he's just a man who is still learning and growing, he's a young man that is still figuring life out. Don't judge him! don't tell me I ducked a bullet! He made me happy and we had problems like everybody else end of story! He's not bad, I'm not bad and like my oldest son said to me and my oldest son got to know him, he said mom, I'm so sorry! He's a good guy! coming from my son, that meant the world to me and I don't care what anyone else thinks or says, there are two sides to every story..........
I will leave you with......This lovely snow with my baby!
Today was a long day! I was in court most of the day (for work) and that is always very draining! non the less, I made myself go to my boxing class because I had all this bottled up anger inside of me that I needed to release and honestly after I left there I felt so much better! I enjoy boxing and feel like I'm definitely learning some moves and that's super cool!
Once I got home I realized that I had not eaten so I ate gold fish and M&M's that I had in a drawer because I had bought them for my granddaughter but we had forgotten that we bought them and I was saving them for her but they looked so good that I ate half the bag! FML! this is why I #fail at diets! not that I'm in a diet really, but lately I have been trying to eat healthier. Since I came back to CO from OR I have lost a total of 22 pounds, that's insane! I don't even know how I had all that weight on me but my old cloths is starting to fit and it feels amazing! I have been working so hard on getting fit again, and when I put on a pair of pants that all of a sudden feels bigger on me the sense of accomplishment is so overwhelming. At my age it is way harder to loose weight and when I was younger it was so easy. I mean I've been working out consistently since my late 20's and I was fit throughout my 30's then in my 40's I started to gain weight and it was mainly because I had an injury and couldn't continue to run which is what I loved so much!
This summer I have a lot of plans so I've been trying to get fit as I want to hike and do another 2 or 3 14'ers and the once that I haven't done (there are 58) are harder than the once I did last summer. I don't intend on doing all 58 but I mean I do want to do a few, it's so fun to just get to the top of a mountain that is 14 thousand feet above sea level that the thought of it makes me super excited! I have been hiking more so that I can prepare myself for this and I have been able to take shorter times doing the hike I typically do which is about 3 miles total but it's a climb! and the other day I got to the top without having lost my breath and I was like HOLY SHIT!!!! this is amazing! I just feel really good because I had lost my hope about loosing weight like I had been struggling for so many years that I was like, ugh, I don't want to try anymore and also, the pain on my foot always brought me down. Being with my ex didn't help the matter, he didn't care how I looked, he always told me I was beautiful no matter what and whenever he would see me do my little work out YouTube videos in our bedroom he would always encourage me and say "good job baby!" he wasn't really the work out type so he and I never did stuff like that together, but I didn't really care. I feel like I'm the type of partner that doesn't need someone to have all my interest or that I need to do everything with, I don't know, like I like my alone hikes so if I met someone that wasn't like we need to go hiking every week, I think I would be totally cool with it.
Speaking of my ex, so I have been getting weird text messages from weird numbers it has happened twice and it really messes with my head because I think it's him. I don't know maybe I'm wishful thinking because I would really like to talk to him and see how he is doing but I don't know that will happen anytime soon so whatever.
Anyway, the reason why I'm writing this is because I told someone I wanted to "be with him" but I think what I really meant was that I wanted to be able to trust him, to feel secure like we were only seeing each other and not other people. When I think of relationships I feel like his definition of relationship is different than mine. I am at a point in my life that I don't care too much to be close to someone else's family I mean at least not initially I think those things take time, I also don't think about it like I need to be with someone 24/7 I like doing things on my own and I enjoy my life. I don't know the word relationship makes people really scared. I guess I don't take life so serious where like being with someone is that big of a deal to me, what I mean with that, is that to me is not so much about the word is more about who we are to each other. If we feel this closeness to someone and two people decide that they are happy just with each other and don't need more people to fulfill them.
Anyway, this person turned out to be a liar and fake and so deceitful and honestly it didn't surprise me in the end because I always had this feeling like there was something he hid, like there was more to him that he was hiding and it was just always this uneasy feeling about this person. I felt really sad that I was trying to start out for the first time ever it feels like, to trust at the beginning and only not trust when someone gave me a reason not to. When I started feeling like I may want more with him, I was honest about it and asked him how he saw us, I trusted this person so much! I wanted to build a friendship that was based on trust because if anything came out this "thing" that we shared I didn't want to start out in a negative way where I would automatically not trust someone that I didn't even know. However, in the end he turned out to be just that, a liar. I don't know, it's almost as if no matter how hard you try to believe in people, people just constantly let you down and it is such a bummer. Why is it so hard for people to be sincere and genuine? I was so honest and so real with this person from the start and I think that's what hurt the most. I feel so deceived and hurt by this, I mean I'm starting to feel a little better about it because I keep thinking that it isn't worth putting so much energy into this negative feeling of being down about someone that did not even value me as a person, so I've been working on trying not to think about it, but it still sucks a whole lot.
So journal, I guess that's my week so far in a nut shell! I want to start writing about different topics and also start posting more things on my FB Jazzy's Journal page so I can attract more followers. I am also going to start writing the first chapter of my book, I am starting this weekend and I have an idea of at least how to start. I have been talking about writing a book for so long that I think it is time to at least start it, I know it will take me a long time so I have given myself about 5 years, I hope to accomplish it before then, but I want to give myself years as the stuff I am going to write about will be really hard.
Without anything else to report, I will leave you with.....Jazzy Belle by Outkast
I've been thinking much about you in hopes of telling you lots and lots of wonderful stories but I'm afraid that my life simply isn't that marvelous! Let's see! since last I poured words on to you, there haven't been many things to report. I have been living vicariously through my son who is currently traveling all over Europe and will continue to do so for the next few months! OH! how I wish that were me! just up and go with a bag and travel all over the world! I used to always say that had I've been a man, I would likely be a wonderer sort of like the Winchester brothers or Hulk! just going from city to city finding new adventures, meeting new people and having new romances with all the beautiful women who would give me the time of day. But, I often talk to my son and when we talk he seems to be sad, like these travels don't fulfill him, so I often wonder are we (us humans) just never satisfied? it doesn't see so, I mean sure there are those few souls that are I won't say that there aren't the few genuinely happy people, but I do feel that in general for the most part we always seek more.
When I was with my ex I once told him that I always felt like there was something missing, like all the time, I often felt that there was some emptiness within me that no matter what I did it often lingered. He never could understand my true crazy, I know that he would try, but now thinking back I feel that the void I felt and still feel, is that of there is someone out there that I need to meet and some way some how this other human in some magical way will fill this void I have had in my soul for so long! OR is this void I've felt for so long simply called depression? I don't know yet, I am still working on me on discovering what is happening to me and how can I continue moving forward without completely loosing my wits!
I went to Nebraska this past weekend! I had a lovely time with one of my closest friends from NYC, she currently lives in NE and it was so great to see her and for our daughters to meet. While they are both completely different they got along really well and this really pleased me. On my way back from Nebraska I began to feel really really sad, I don't quite know why or maybe deep in my heart I do, but I'm not sure that I am ready to share why so openly. I did talk to my therapist about it today and she gave me some validation which made me feel so much better! that woman is amazing, I feel lucky to have such an amazing professional helping me through this difficult time where I don't even understand why it's so difficult! if you don't have a therapist you should get one at once!
Lastly, I was talking to my friend Lee and he was again telling me about the woman he has been seeing and all the crazy going on in his life with this woman and I just totally lost my shit and started going off about how some women where so ungrateful and how she didn't even know what she has and I almost wanted to call her and be like bitch.... are you fucking kidding me??? this woman is almost 10 years older than my friend and it blows my mind how she plays all sorts of games with his mind! like hey, if you don't want what he wants then stop leading my friend on and let him go because guess what, there are over a million women in NYC that would do ANYTHING for a man like him! I mean yes she doesn't know him like I do so obviously it's different, but I get so mad sometimes at how some women have the opportunity to have this great guy in their life and they don't appreciate it, and yet here I am I barely ask for much and I can't even find someone to be genuine with me about their intentions! UGH! makes my blood boil! Anyway, at one point I told him the least she could do is tell him a little white lie so he could at least get some closure. Yes, sometimes it's better to tell me lies I feel like, because if they are told in order to not hurt me, then sure, I'll take them! tell me sweet little lies because you appreciate me as a human and don't want to hurt my feelings!
I also went on a date! OMG! after the date I deleted Tinder! I just can't! I do not want to invest time in anyone but myself! I go and meet this 40 year old man for a beer and he tells me that him and his significant other broke up a few months ago and they still work together! OH GREAT! I would LOVE to be your rebound! ugh! I mean we had a nice time talking but to be quite honest the moment I saw him I knew that I would not go past this date, I am very shallow yes! I HAVE to feel attracted to someone to keep hanging out with them, that's just a fact! so yea, we had a pleasant time. He is a photographer and he messages me the next day and asks me if I would feel comfortable doing a nude photo shoot and he would pay me! What the actual fuck! I told him I was flattered but no thank you! I swear journal these things literally only happen to me! fuck meeting people I need to work on me, I can't deal with "getting to know" anyone right now! honestly fuck people, that's just how I'm feeling right now! bitter much Jazzy???
I will leave you with - Little Lies by Fleetwood Mac
It's been a few weeks I know! I've been so busy with work last week there were a few nights I worked until really late. My friend D always makes fun of me and says things like.... Well if you didn't start working at 10 then you wouldn't have to work until 10! but the truth is that I typically start working at around 8 am and sometimes work until 10pm. I might not sit at my desk the whole time, but on average I would say I work about 60 hours a week! gotta do what you gotta do, what else can I say about that? I don't mind for the most part honestly, because I get to make my own schedule and work at my leisure and I know what I need to do and do it. I work with people and people are unpredictable so on a daily basis I don't know what I'll be walking into. Sure I can have a "plan" but sometimes my plan doesn't go as planned, so I just have to always go with the flow and do as best as I can.
So, what do I have to report journal? well, for starters, I have been talking to my friend Lee a whole lot lately! today, he got to watch as I crawled up this slippery swampy dirt trail that I had to climb in order to get out of where I was because the trail I was on, ended by the water and the only way I could get to the water was if slid down this slippery dirt steep trail, it was a whole thing and he laughed saying that I was crazy! I freaking LOVE my friends! I genuinely don't know what I would do without the amazing people I have the privilege and pleasure of knowing! Lee and I have known each other for over 10 years probably way longer than that. When I lived in NY since we worked together and most of that time I was single, I would always go to him with boy troubles. Sometimes I would call his office and be like.... Yes I'm calling for a therapy appointment can you stop by my desk at your earliest convenience? and he would come by when he could and we would gossip! and laugh a whole lot! It was awesome! I definitely miss those days!
He and I have been talking a lot lately because he is going through some stuff with someone he really cares about and I've been his shoulder and I am now the therapist which is great to be the one giving advice for once! He and I always have really great conversations and support each other through difficult times. I was telling him today that I have been crying a whole lot lately and he asked me why? and I told him that I was very confused about a situation that I thought I could handle but really quickly realized that I couldn't and that I had been feeling really down lately. I told him that there are days that I really miss my ex, because when I had him in my life and I was going through hard things, he would always hold me and let me cry on him and tell me it would be ok! He would always say, baby I got you! and just knowing that he had my back always made me feel better. Lately, I have been going through a lot and it just felt really lonely and like no one has my back, so I have been feeling really down.
My therapist asked me the other day if I knew what I wanted in a man and I told her I had never really sat down to think about it, but today while I was sitting by the water after sliding down the muddy steep trail literally on my butt, I took some time to reflect and think about what it is that I want in a man and I wrote a BUNCH of things down! I hope there is someone out there with all the requirements I put down on my list! that shit is LONG!!! ha! I think though that a major requirement is, that this person shouldn't make me cry more than he makes me laugh! and sure, I am a cry baby not gonna lie, however, if someone is constantly hurting your feelings making you feel shitty or causing you some sort of emotional turmoil, it's probably better to stay away as far away from that person as humanly possible!
I don't know journal, I just feel like I'm going through some major changes, I feel like I might be starting to (dare I say it) go through menopause YIKES! the last time I was tested for it, I was told that I wasn't yet, but that was 2 years ago, so I don't know, my emotions are like a roller coaster that has gone crazy and keeps looping! I do have to admit that most of my emotional turmoil has to do with me not knowing what it is that I truly want as far as romance is concerned, like one minute I am so happy to be single, the next I'm crying because no one has my back. I decided today after my hike that I need to make an appointment to find out if I'm dying or starting menopause because I can't live like this, it's so miserable! I don't ever get hot flashes or any of that stuff though, if anything I'm always cold! like really cold! so I don't know what is happening to me and I just wish I had someone that would hold me and say "don't worry baby, I got your back!."
I got back on dating sites and set all types of parameters on my "requirements" so I highly doubt that Mr. night in shinning armor will fall on my lap any time soon, but you never know! I always have this fantasy that I'm going to meet my next boyfriend on a trail, since I plan on doing a trail every single Sunday until it's warm enough to do another 14'er the thought of hiking 6 to 7 hours to reach the peak of a mountain gets me overly anxious but super excited! I just feel like one day I will get to the top of the mountain and there he will be! THE MAN OF MY DREAMS! maybe it's time I decide what "the man of my dreams" is to me so I can actually find him? It may be a bit hard to find something but not know what it is your a seeking! BUT fear not journal! I have at least created a LONG list! cause you have to start somewhere!!!
I guess even with all these emotionally draining days that I have been going through as of late, I can honestly say that I am pretty happy all in all! I want a boyfriend, but I don't NEED one, so in the meantime I guess I just have to continue to enjoy dating, maybe actually go on dates, get some free meals, remind myself not to talk with my mouth full during the date and enjoy this spring and summer as much as I can!
Oh, one last thing journal, one of the trainers at my boxing club is HOT!! no like for real HOT! I decided never to take his class again because the few times he's come to me to like spot me (I think that is the term) I get so nervous and I feel really awkward! I don't typically crush over anyone, BUT...I looked up his bio on the website for our gym and found out that not only is he HOT but he is also highly educated and probably super nerdy! OMG!!! smart, nerdy men make me go crazy!
without anything else to report..... I will leave you with..
It's been a really weird week! First, we got back from Hawaii and I was so tired for like 2 days straight and felt so off that it was just plain weird! the difference in time is 4 hours so my body felt like it was early, but in reality it wasn't, I hate feeling jet lagged. Besides that, I started officially working in an office after two years and that felt off as well. I will only be working 2 days a week in an office, Wednesday's and Friday's, but still, I just don't really get what the point of it is. The two days I was there I felt like I couldn't get anything done because all we kept doing was talking and sure, some of those conversations were work related, but on those two days I came home and worked late because I never did what I had to while I was there. It was really cool to see my co-workers though! they bring me so much joy, I truly appreciate the people in my team. The other thing is, I don't technically have like a "work schedule" so on those two days I can also come and go as I need and typically, I'm all over the place driving back and forth. So it's not horrible, but it was just weird to have to get up and shower and get dressed for work as typically, unless I have to be out, I'm in a tee and sweat pants or something.
I am a social worker and unless you are in my field of work, there isn't really a way to explain what we go through. I often think, if I don't do it, then who will? I love/hate it all at the same time. I LOVE kids though and I love teens and so I just feel like this is what I'm supposed to be doing. There are days that feel really rewarding! I won't get too much into my work but the other morning, I woke up to a text from one of the moms that I work with (I work with teens) and obviously I have to be in communication with moms and dads. The day before this txt, had been a really rough one for that family and of course, because they were going through it, it was MY FAULT! to a certain extent, she was a bit mean to me and just took out all her frustration on me, understanding that I can't take these things personal, I kind of just responded to her with things that needed to be said and disregarded everything else as I know that this woman goes through so much with her child. Anyway, I wake up and the text read "If I haven't told you, I want you to know that you are greatly appreciated, thank you for all that you do." This text made me very emotional, because that was one of the nicest things I have heard in a while! Sometimes I wonder, what is it that I do? because I get so lost in this work that I just do, it's non stop action and non stop stuff going on, but it's ok, I GOT THIS!
Journal, I want to tell you about something that happened maybe a month ago or so and I'm going to try to I don't know, tell this story with the least possible details I can because I don't know who ready this journal and I don't want someone that knows the person I'm going to be writing about, to figure it out. Ok, about 6 years ago I worked at a company that was primarily men (I LOVED THAT JOB!) not only because my boss was awesome, but because I was single and there was eye candy every single day! funny thing about it though is, that I never dated or like did anything with any of them, as I was very well respected by all the men that worked there as well as well some were married had girlfriends whatever, still, it was fun! since I was single, obviously I would flirt a bit, I was always showered with compliments and let's just say it was a fun work environment in a respectful way. Obviously, I had my 3 or 4 for a lack of better term "favorite eye candies" but again, nothing ever happened with anyone.
Fast forward to almost two years ago (when I moved back to CO from OR) I got on Snapchat and started adding people, one whom was one of the gentlemen I worked with, he is in his late 30,s and since I've known him he has always been married, so while I always thought he was HOT! I NEVER EVER allowed myself to even think "naughty thoughts" about him. He and I would often have long conversations and laugh so much and just talk about random shit whenever we saw each other (I guess it's important to note that while there were a lot of men, they worked out in the field so I wouldn't see them everyday, it was random). So he's like Jazz, is that you? and I'm like oh shit!!!! how are you? so we start chit chatting and one conversation leads to another and all of a sudden, we are revealing to each other that we always had a "thing" for each other! then he tells me that him and his wife have had an open relationship for many years, but he never approached me because he didn't think I would be interested and in my mind I'm like.... ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!!! damn I'm good at hiding my lust! the only thing now is, that he no longer lives in CO, him and his family moved to the east coast and he got a new career. I don't want to specify what it is, but he now wears a uniform and OH MY GOD!!!! You don't even know journal! I honestly think he could be a model, and a few of my friends agreed, especially in his uniform! he works out so his body is CRAZY! and he is well, let's just say his wife is ONE LUCKY LADY!
Ok, so I need to back track a little because during the time he and I have been communicating, we talk about random things, he tells me stuff going on with him, I tell him stuff going on with me and sure, ever so often we will have conversations that are sexual in nature, but I for a really long time kept those to a minimum because I was kind of sort of let's use the term he used "kicking it" with this other man and I would feel bad to have like "naughty conversations" because it would feel as if I were cheating, which is so dam ridiculous because in reality, I didn't owe this man who I was "kicking it with" a damn thing!
About a month ago, I knew that my friend from the east coast was going to go down to Miami for a long weekend and he was going with friends, when he gets there, he sends me a message and says.... Jazz, come to Miami and hang out with me this weekend, I will buy you the ticket! YO! you have NO IDEA journal, how hard it was for me, to have said no! Part of me was like, what if he and his wife aren't in an open relationship? but mainly, I kept thinking, I cannot go there and be with him and then come back and look at the person who I'm "kicking it with" without feeling tremendously guilty! I kept asking my friends like what should I do? and they are all like, are you fucking serious??? you are going to pass Miami on with a hot ass dude for someone who you are only "kicking it with?" wtf is wrong with you? My sexual non emotional carnal side of me kept saying...... get your ass on a plane NOW! my emotional, dumb, I care for this person and just would feel really bad about it side of me was like..... Is it worth it? the way I will feel when I get back and eventually go hang out with this man I've hung out with at that point like almost a year and be comfortable with myself knowing that I spent a whole weekend sleeping with someone else? I couldn't do it and all I could think of was I can't believe I feel so loyal to this individual who isn't my boyfriend, what the fuck is wrong with meSo?? After deciding not to go to Miami on a sexual escapade with a hotty with a body for the weekend, I felt good, especially because when I hung out with this other person, I felt good that I could be near him and not feel like I had done anything behind his back and sure, I could have done it and then told him about it and used the excuse of, well, we are not a couple and I can do whatever I want, but to be honest I felt at that point also that I was starting to develop feelings for this person and I didn't want to ruin what could potentially eventually be something meaningful, for a few nights in the beautiful city of Miami with a hottie with a body! UGH! I'm so dumb!!! The worst part is, that things didn't work out between me and this person I was loyal too, so now, all I can think of is........ I can't believe I gave up a Miami trip for you! I was depriving myself of having a great time with someone I've known for YEARS, who is really funny, so much fun and HOT AF! for not a fucking thing! and with that, I decided that I will never be loyal to someone who hasn't given me a place in their life ever ever ever again! and also, FUCK my loyalty and feelings! who the fuck needs them!
Sure, this man (the one that wanted me to meet him in Miami) and I, still communicate but we don't really have the opportunity of hanging out and this was sort of a unique opportunity to get to hang out with no limits of what we could have done! UGH! the more I think about it, the angrier at myself I get! When I told him no, I let him know that part of the reason was I didn't want to take a long flight across the country on such short notice and also, I didn't want to because I would feel guilty. He knew all about the guy I was "kicking it with" and he was like, I bet that dude doesn't even know how lucky he is! Then the other day I was talking to him and told him that I was no longer seeing that guy and he was like... Jazzy, that guy is such a dumb ass! he has no idea what an amazing woman he let slip through his fingers! He then reminded me that this is exactly why I should enjoy my life and not be loyal to anyone until they give me a real place in their life. He's a good friend and I have a lot of respect for him and who knows, maybe one day we will finally have our night together or maybe, he will always just be a fantasy in my mind. Regardless, I definitely learned a valuable lesson of...... You aren't with someone until you ARE with someone! live your life and enjoy the opportunities you get.
I feel like men can easily do stuff like that, like seeing one woman and going off and having an adventure with another like it ain't no thing! women typically don't, well not all women, but this woman right here, I am just not made that way and in a way I hate it so much sometimes because I get stuck on stupid! but also, my body is my temple and I don't want to share it with more than one person at a time, it's just not my thing!
I originally wrote this post on my phone on 3/20. I had been meaning to post it but had not had a chance. I went on vacation to Hawaii and it was truly lovely! It was so nice to spend some time with my two kids and really missed my oldest son who was not able to join us. I really liked Hawaii and I may go back one day to a different Island (I went to Honolulu) but it was quite pricey. I also have been to other beautiful islands one which is in Colombia, where I could enjoy the same type of things, but way cheaper. Non the less, I don't regret my trip! I have wanted to go to Hawaii ever since I can remember knowing about it, which I want to say was when I was about 10 or 11 years old, that is a pretty long time! I would always say, that one day I would have my honeymoon in Hawaii! well, I didn't have a honeymoon in Hawaii, but that is ok! because I had a lovely time with the people I love most in this world!
Anyway, on Sunday, 3/20 I wrote the following post. Let's say, I was feeling a lot of things on that day, one of those feelings was disappointment and hurt and maybe a little deceived. I was flooded with so many emotions, so I did what I do when I need to release all those thing, I grabbed my phone and wrote!
Sometimes you tell yourself lies to stay in situations you know aren’t right or you know that you aren’t being treated right because I don’t know, sometimes it's easier to lie to yourself than to be brutally honest with ourselves because the truth can often be pretty scary or very hurtful. A lot of times, you see things clearly or the signs are very clear, but you can't handle the truth because you want so bad in your heart to believe that people's intentions are as genuine as yours, or that people are not out to hurt you. While I have very serious deep trust issues (which I will be working on with my therapist) sometimes, I believe that people are out to get me and it isn't my fault and I don't do it on purpose, but in my heart and soul, this is what I believe and I cannot tell you how difficult it is to live with this constant fear and constantly talk yourself through it because it is almost an impediment to my happiness and it causes me so much anxiety and pain and it is the hardest thing to live with!
Journal, I told you I got a new therapist on my last post, I knew that I needed to work through some things and that I was really struggling, so I finally made the call and made the appointment and started my sessions. It is also part of my love myself March! She is not just a therapist she is actually a Dr. therefore, she has expertise in certain mental health disorders, I have only met with her 2X and I can already tell that she knows her stuff! she’s pretty amazing in those two meetings, I have already gained a wealth of knowledge!
The other day I was talking to her about a situation where I was feeling used and just felt like I wasn’t being treated the way that I wanted and deserved, not because this individual was doing anything mean or anything like that, but because I had repeatedly asked this person for one very what I thought was a simple thing and I just wasn't getting it. I told her about the situation, I told her that there was an individual I have always been really honest and sincere with, I have always tried my best to keep this situation in a place where I can control my emotions about it (well maybe not in the beginning as I would often be pretty mean) but since the beginning of this year I had been working on trying really hard to be honest with myself as well as this person because I feel very connected to this individual.
I guess I can say that since this person and I started to hang out together, I've always asked for the same thing over and over again, which has basically been, I need better communication between us, however, no matter in which way I have asked, my request has fallen upon death ears. So I was telling my therapist the story and after I told her this I began to justify why maybe this person didn't communicate with me the way I wanted and as I was coming up with a million different reason why I thought this person was doing this, she stopped me and asked me, what is true about this you just told me? What is true about this situation? For a moment, I felt really sad and I had to stop for a second and hold back my tears as I had to be honest to myself and to her. My response to her was, "the truth is, this person doesn’t care enough to do what I’m asking" and with that my heart dropped and my tears rolled down my eyes, because I had to say it out loud and that truth really hurt me! The truth is this person doesn't want to communicate with me, because there have been times that this person has no trouble doing so, but it is usually done, when this person feels like it. I also told her that it is my experience that when someone genuinely likes you, they want to talk to you, so you don’t even have to ask for it, and yet, I’ve asked time after time and nothing ever changed.
After having this realization and finishing my session with her I kept asking myself what is true about this situation with this person, and the more I thought about what was true the more I felt sad and the more I felt used and the more I felt deceived and the more I saw the reality that has been in front of me for months! I had just literally mentioned to this person a few days before writing this post, that this is what I needed and 3 days had gone by and I had not even gotten a "hey, how was your day" and the one time I reached out to this person because they were like, well you can reach out to me too, I barely got a response like I don't know 8 hours later maybe. The thing is, that I know this person well enough to know now, that when this person feels like it, they respond, they reach out, but mostly it's when it's a means to an end, in other words, we are going to see each other and hang out, other than that, this person just doesn't have time for me. So I guess, I need to remove this option from his life, because well, I am pretty darn awesome and anyone who has the privilege of partaking in my life, should want to know how I'm doing all the time, the fact that I had to keep asking for this, makes me feel so stupid! I feel like I have been begging for someone's affection, because this someone says they care about me! and I'm sure that they do care about me, I'm not saying this person is doing things on purpose to hurt me, but I think this person cares about me as a person, not in a romantic way the way I care about them.
As part of love myself March, I had told myself that I needed to not just state that I love myself but really mean it! Truly hold myself and tell myself that I’m worth it! That I’m a pretty cool woman to have around, that I’m honest and loving and caring and that I don’t play with anyone or try to be malicious or lead anyone on, I try to be true to people and myself. I feel that I did just that during the whole time that this person and I were hanging out. From day 1 I was honest. I felt that this person was not honest with me though. I’m sure this person enjoyed my company and that it was cool having me around but I don't think this person has been true to themselves or me, with their true intentions and actually, we spoke and this person called me their escape. Yup, that is what every woman wants! to be someone's escape!
So I finally decided that I couldn’t continue to lie to myself about something I already know. I am not mad at this individual, but I am sad, because I feel that I have been led on by this individual for a really long time and at one point I didn't care so much, but when I'm calling someone who I'm not in a relationship with and asking them where they were as if I am owed an explanation, all of a sudden I'm my own red flag! I literally called this individual and without a thought, the words came out of my mouth and as they were coming out, all I could think of was...... WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING I MY WORLD!!!!
This individual and I had literally had a conversation about this same exact thing not even two weeks before, where this individual apologized to me saying that we should be communicating more so that there are no like, weird feelings where I'm thinking things that are not true, like just having this mutual respect for one another because whether we are in a relationship or not, there are feelings involved and you just don't go around treating people like they don't matter! so yea, maybe I am not the right person for this individual and it is such a bummer! I have to admit I have been feeling really down about all of this, but at least now I know, what is true!
As much as my heart aches at least I am being true to myself and I am not allowing for someone to continue to play with my emotions and drag me along to continue to be their escape until which time they find whatever it is they are truly seeking for out there! to bad it wasn't me! is it their loss? is it my loss? I don't know, all I know is that it's hard to have this person in my life and maybe even harder not too! I can't make up my mind. But I do know this, I deserve someone that knows that I'm the person they want to message everyday to see how I'm doing, I deserve to be treated with love and treated like a queen! because I am a queen! I take care of the people that matter to me, and I want to feel that I matter to someone enough for them to take care of me too! so yea journal, sad end to the month of March!
I think for the month of April, I will continue to practice loving myself and staying true to myself, I got on dating sites again but inactivated them because one person doesn't replace another, I need to heal a little from this experience as it has taken a toll on me, I guess I can say this person was my rebound and I don't want to find a rebound to get over my rebound, that just seems ridiculous! I want to take care of Jazzy, so that if and when the right person comes along, I am not the hot mess writing this post.
The month of March has been pretty cool thus far! Work has been steady with no major crazy happenings, I've been working on my diet, I have been doing yoga and I've been working on taking care of my kid that I really have been struggling with. I have raised two young men, but I they were pretty chill compared to my daughter! Girls are tough, especially when they have your character and drive! it's been really different and I've learned so much.
I started doing a 30 day yoga challenge called 30 days of Yoga with Adrienne on YouTube, she is a lovely woman and I really enjoy watching her yoga classes. I tried to be consistent with the days, but I have not been able to stay consistent with the daily practice for various reasons. I won't get into the reasons as they are not important, but basically, I feel that as long as I continue to do the practice in order even if it isn't consecutive, then at least I'm not giving up! The only one I have to prove anything to is myself so I'm not in some sort of competition where I have to prove anything to anyone. With all of that being said, it's nice to continue to try and not give up which is what I don't want.
So, what's with the title of this blog post you ask? well, let me start by saying that anytime I have been single, there has definitely been this occurrence in my life that happens over and over again and that is, the one guy that likes you, they enjoy spending time with you, but they don't quite know what to do with you! you know that guy I am talking about right? the one that doesn't want to share you, but doesn't really want to be with you in a way that is clear that you are the person they really want to be with. Years ago, maybe when I first started writing this journal, the same thing would often happen to me, I think back then I didn't quite get it, I guess I sort of cared but not really, but now, I think I do understand it a bit better. What I understand, is that people are usually confused or scared or always thinking that by some miracle of God, they are going to meet some magical creature also known as a woman, who will be fulfilling their every need, except that is just a myth we all have in our minds! sometimes I feel like open relationships can be rewarding based on this idea that no one person can meet all of your needs, and therefore, being able to have more than one partner in any capacity can possibly be fulfilling. I don't really know that I could do it as when I fall in love with someone, I am very passionate and loyal and the thought of being with anyone else automatically leaves my mind.
I recently started working with a new therapist and it has been really good! I feel like I found someone who is knowledgeable and can help me work through things that I need to in order to feel mentally well. Our minds are so powerful, it's important to learn how to control your thoughts so that they aren't always running away with ideas and things that don't serve you well! sometimes my mind goes on tangents that I don't understand or feel that it's productive, my mind causes me to feel anxiety and so it's in those moments that I realize that working through things with someone is a healthy way of getting those thoughts out of my head and talk about them as that is what my mind needs, it needs to release things that weigh heavy on me. I highly recommend therapy! I had been procrastinating on getting someone new, but I think I found someone that can really help me through the every day struggles of life! Everyday, is a new opportunity to get mentally healthy, every day, is a new opportunity to be ok with life, with the things we can't control, with living as best we can.
I don't have much more to share journal, so I will leave you with this...... Life is short, live it as best you can, make every moment special, make memories with the important people in your life! be grateful for the wonderful things that you have and ask for whatever your heart desires!
It has been way to long since I've last visited you and everyday, there is always some sort of excuse I guess, that keeps me from coming on to this page and putting down some thoughts! Sure, there is always some sort of even small event that happens in my life, but I just don't feel that the small events that have occurred in my life lately, are major enough to report and while I do want to bring news of some sort to these pages, I just don't want to bring any sort of boring news, I want them to be exciting, fun and if nothing else, amusing!
Lately things have gone ok with life in general, I've been having tons of work which keeps me very busy and I always have plans usually every weekend because I like to enjoy life as much as I can. Most recently, my teenage daughter and I have been learning to me ski her snowboard, it has definitely been a new exciting challenge that her and I have taken on that is super fun! I have to report that I have only fallen once and that was when I was getting off the lift because I got off wrong and ended up on the floor, other than that, we have been skiing down the beginner slopes which are always super fun! I am constantly in awe of how many people are there with their little ones teaching them how to ski! it's mind blowing to see these little ones in these tiny skis coming down a mountain! amazing!!! honestly, seeing all these little kids is one of my favorite parts about going skiing! the place I go to is very family friendly, the youngest little skier I've met so far is 2 years old!!!! 2! he barely just started walking and already in skis! cutest thing EVA!!!
So March is now here and I kept thinking that almost every month I have been trying to do something productive or at the very least find something to stick too, like for instance, in November I had decided it would be no sweets November which ended in half a month no sweets November because I failed that miserably! to my defense, it was probably the worst month to take on something like not eating sweets, as it is the month everyone is preparing for chowing down some delicious food! anyway, I don't ever get to down about not succeeding in something, what I do instead is say to myself "at least you tried!" so, I will try again on a different occasion. The good thing is that I have done all these challenges in the past and actually followed through, it's just that lately I do lack the motivation to stick to things, I just don't want to put in so much work on things such as being mindful not to stick a piece of candy in my mouth or buy some ice cream at McDonald's which is SO GOOD! but, I will do it one of these months I PROMISE JOURNAL!
This month I decided that I wanted to do "love myself March!" so, what does that mean you ask journal? Well, for starters I have written here so many times that I am a giver, I give, give and give until I can't give no more and then I'm resentful when no one gives me, so I decided that this month instead of giving everyone else, instead, I'm going to start by giving me! giving myself some love every morning when I wake up by doing the 30 days of yoga challenge, giving myself by making all the medical appointments I constantly say I have to go on, giving myself or actually going to get myself a manicure pedicure (which I NEVER DO!) I always just do my own nails as I feel that I rather spend 60 dollars on something else because there are so many other things I can do with 60 bucks! but this month I'm going to "splurge" I will be getting a mani-pedi doing my hair, getting a facial anything I can do to take care of me! Ms. Jazzy!
Lately I have been feeling pretty happy with life in general, I almost want to say that I attribute that to the fact that I am no longer in love! I feel this weird sense of freedom! like I've been untied from the restraints of love! Sure, love is a wonderful amazing thing with you share it with someone that is reciprocating and you have a healthy loving thing with, but if that is not the case, then it becomes like an impediment to happiness! lately I just feel so free that my heart does not belong to anyone, I feel so happy that I don't care about it anymore, that I'm not thinking about this one specific person 24/7 that I don't have to worry about someone else's life but my own. Do I want to ever fall in love again? maybe one day I don't know, but I'm going to be very very picky as to whom I give my heart to, because I think I am pretty damn awesome and I shouldn't go around giving my heart to just anyone! I am single and am ok with it and it feels amazing and I feel amazing and it has taken me a long long time after my last break up to get to this place! so I am grateful to the universe and God!
So yes! Love Myself March is all about me! I cried to my friend the other day telling her that I had noticed that I take care of everyone and who takes care of Jazzy? absolutely NO ONE! so I have to take care of Jazzy because if I don't love myself, then who will? I love that I'm finding my center and feeling empowered and free and amazing! I can't complain journal, life is just as it should be!
I will leave you with.....Can't stop the feeling - Justin Timberlake
How the hell are you? holy shit! it's been almost 3 weeks since I've last visited you and I feel a bit ashamed! I promise I have thought about you and written journals in my head time and time again, but for some reason, it's been hard to find the actual time to sit and write and to be quite honest, there isn't anything too exciting to report, so there hasn't been anything like meaningful or big enough to share! What can I say, my life isn't that exciting!
Let's see, I finally finished reading the book why men love bitches and I really liked the ending of the book because by the ending of the book, the author talks about the things women do when they are married or in long term committed relationships that really start to turn their man off or sort of makes that relationship like I don't know, start to look like a mother child type relationship if that makes sense. I really enjoyed reading about this because I never thought of it that way, like she talks about how our nagging starts to make us look motherly and therefore no longer attractive to our significant other! HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!! I never want that to happen to me in some future relationship! so note to self, no nagging in the future! When I wrote about the book I had not finished it and I was a little bitter about the games she suggests we need to play, but in reality, as hard as you try not to play games you end up having to because men just really love them! they say they don't, but they really do and that is all I'm going to say about that!
Last Friday was my exe's bday, I tried really hard all day long not to think about it and then at like 7 or 8 o'clock, I did what I had told myself I wouldn't do, I finally sent him a message and all it said was.... Happy Bday. I know that it doesn't seem like much or anything wrong with it, but I wished him well although on my bday his message to me was "I hope you die bitch" I don't want to really expose much of him on here because it isn't my place to talk badly about another human being, but I just want to say that he was not like this at all when I met him and I never ever thought that in the end of it all, he would turn into such a vicious angry toward me person, you would think I did something horrible to him like cheat on him for months with his best friend or something crazy like that. Actually in the end he sort of left me so I just want to say on here journal that if I am ever in a relationship again, I hope to be with someone that understands that I want to write about us on my journal because I think it will be important to not only write about the bad things but also write about the good! Like for instance, my ex was a very thoughtful gift giver, he always gave me really nice things and had a reason behind what he gave me and I promise you that he isn't a bad person and no matter what mean shit he says about me now and no matter how much it still hurts me that he does, I will never sit here and write horrible things about another human being, I just don't know how to do that!
Anyway, I woke up this morning to a message from a mutual friend of ours, telling me that he had spoken to my ex and that my ex had said "if I ever see that bitch I will kill her" What the actual fuck! he also said a bunch of other mean things that I won't bother writing about, but when I read that stuff I tried to really not care about it, but later on while I was driving I couldn't help but to cry because the truth is that sticks and stones will break my bones but I rather a broken bone than those mean words that come out of his mouth toward me. I am not scared that he would actually kill me, but would he? I mean he lives in another state so I'm not to worried but WOW! how can so much love turn to so much hate? Our mutual friend actually defended me and told him that he was going to far saying that stuff and his responds was something to the affect of fuck that narcissistic bitch! now there is something I've never been called before! That is definitely a first!
Journal, his words truly hurt me deeply but there is good to all of this and that is that I don't think I am in love with him anymore which feels very freeing! for the first time in a long time I just don't feel any sort of deep emotions for anyone at all and sure I do like someone romantically actually I like two men romantically, but there is a big difference between like and like a lot or love! Like I feel free from the constraints of having romantic feelings toward anyone and my fear of ever loving again or getting emotionally attached to anyone is only growing by the day and I just feel so happy and free in the sense that nothing anyone does will affect me, I'm busy doing me! and I am busy taking care of mine and I don't have time to invest in people that don't have time to invest in me.
One thing I am learning is that I'm such a giver and holding back is really hard for me however I've been doing really good with that, and I am really proud of myself for it, like I won't give until I receive and I am not only talking about material things, actually I'm not talking about material things at all, I'm talking about my energy, my time, my emotions, my affection. I wait to receive and then I give and that is one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life, but there comes a time when you just have to step back and watch people's actions and pay attention to their intentions and really think about who you are giving yourself too. What I have seen is that no one at the moment is worthy of my love, no one at the moment is showing me anything that I want to see, no one at the moment is even close to getting all of me and that's ok, because I'm not desperately seeking to give it to anyone anyway!
I got off of dating sites but plan to get back on them soon, I just needed a break from liars and users and fakes and people that just suck my energy! but I have to get back on them for you journal, because you are worth it!
Dear Journal, I wrote the blog post below on my flight to Miami on Friday, January 21st. I always write a post on my flights when I'm going somewhere! anyway, I let my daughter read it after I wrote it and she was not too happy about my ending, because she said I was "jinxing the flight" I told her that you have to take chances and write things to make things exciting! I also know I will die an old lady on my bed and by old I mean nearing my 100 years old! So I'm not tripping!
I got off the tinder app, I was starting to feel overwhelmed and truly depressed by talking to a bunch of random dudes that are all looking for the same thing, it felt like I was talking to the same man over and over again no matter what the age was! I felt like I needed a break to be honest, I've been hustling trying to get FB page likes for a while and it feels like a lot of work, and I've matched with over a thousand men and the most depressing part about the whole thing was that not even ONE caught my attention in any meaningful way! like I said, it felt like I was talking to the same man over and over again! I need a break but I shall return eventually! without further a do.... below is my blog post.
Dear Journal -
A few months ago we were doing a class for youth regarding gun violence. As part of the class, we had different people present specifically about their experiences with gun violence and one of the individuals talked about his jail time and how that had changed him forever. This individual had been in and out of jail and then prison from the time he was 13 or so, at present he is in his late 30’s and finally decided that he wanted to turn his life around. While he was talking about his experiences he said that when he is gone from this world, he wants to leave it better not worse and so he had decided to change “his dash.”
I’ve heard this expression before, the expression “what will be your dash.” The dash refers to your life, when we die, our tomb stone typically has date of birth a dash and date of death. The dash are all the years in between, our lives.
When I was very young I feared death tremendously, the thought of it was terrifying! I was even more fearful about it when my kids were small because I would always think, if I left them now, who would care for them and love them the way that I do! As my kids have gotten older, my fear has also lessened, mainly because I don’t fear leaving them anymore, meaning they can all pretty much care for themselves at the very least able to specify their basic needs.
But, what is my dash? How would I describe myself if I were in a room full of people talking about Jazzy! Who am I? Some days I know exactly who I am, what I want and where I want to be, and others…. No clue! Why is it so hard for one to make decisions, is it just me? Am I the only human that struggles back and forth about so many different things. I try to live as present as possible and try and catch myself when I find my mind drifting to a distant future I know nothing about, sometimes I feel reckless and uncaring, other I feel centered, loving and caring. It’s so hard to really sum my life up in one blog post, but one thing I can say about my dash is this….
For the most part I’ve lived pretty fearlessly, I’ve lived my life the best that I can. I’ve been through so much and have learned so much in the process, I believe that growth is a never ending thing and that everyone who crosses your path has a reason why they crossed it! This can be friends, lovers and anyone you sit next to somewhere one day randomly and have some sort of meaningful conversation with, you can also learn from. I hate people for the most part but love them even more! Everyone is living an internal struggle! Even those that look like they have it all put together there is some shit going on inside them they just know how to play it off right!
I’ve lived in different states and even a different country and humans are fundamentally the same. Everyone wants to be acknowledged, respected and loved! Life is really hard but there are always memorable moments that make it so worth living!
So, what is my dash? Thus far, my dash is that if I die today during this landing in Miami, I’ve lived and loved with so much fear but non at all! I give my all and always try to do my best…. That’s all I have for you journal! I hope that when the day comes where someone is readying what they wrote about me, and about my dash, they will find fun, funny and happy memories about my dash!
I leave you with..... Stevie Wonder - I just called to say I love you....
Just when you think you are free and the pain is gone, you wake up one morning looking at your phone wondering when that message will come! at this point I don't even know what I want the message to say, but I just wonder if it will ever come at all. I then try to understand why after all this time, I'm still waiting for something like magical to happen or like some I don't know event that will change it all and yet it doesn't happen, nothing has happened, nothing will happen because he's my past and I need to let it go!
Last night I was reminded of the true events of my last relationship, I was reminded that I didn't do anything wrong and that I didn't have anything to regret, that I had done the right thing! I think I am stuck in this place called first impressions! When we meet someone for the first time in any sort of capacity in our lives, our machines also known as our brains, start to look for other things that are like this person in front of us so that it can make sense of it, we compartmentalize things in different categories so that we always have like a reference guide to make sense of things. That is called the first impression, that instant when you make a decision about a person that you truly know nothing about, but has made some sort of impression on you whether it's good or bad it's made. I am stuck on all the first impressions from the person that I thought I was over but clearly still love, I can't stop thinking of all the good and I feel stuck because for a long time I couldn't stop thinking of all the bad! I thought of all the bad so that I could let him go and move on, but the more I meet new people, the more I get to know people, the more I'm convinced that I will never feel the way I did about him for anyone else, like his shoes are hard to fill! My first impression of him is my standard and the standard is pretty high!
Sure he wasn't perfect, but he made me feel like I was, I don't think any man has ever made me feel as wanted and needed and loved the way he did, sometimes part of me feels like I was a little obsessed with him, because I always felt that I could never get enough of him and like he couldn't get enough of me! I remember there were times that I would look out the window a million times waiting for him to come home and then when I would see the lights from his car reflect in my apartment (our parking spot was right in front of our door) I would run to the door and wait for him so I could jump on him and shower him with my love! No fear! I could give him me with no fear! now, I fear every single decision about anything that has to do with a man. Every time I want to do something nice for someone I question it and hold back and it's always this like battle inside of me like.... Well, what has this person done for you to go and give them you? It's pretty depressing to be honest and I just don't know how I will ever be ok and open to give anyone me again!
The worst thing is that other days I'm like..... I am going to give without fear! but that is far from the truth and everything I give takes a lot of effort and a lot of anxiety! I don't have the capacity to create a new future in my mind with anyone but myself, so that is what I need to do, continue to be by myself, keep taking care of me and my emotions and my health and forget about it all and just truly let go, because I feel like doing that will allow the right person to come into my life! Because all that comes into my life is just as or if not more broken than I am! which makes me even more confused more anxious and more scared! If the right person stepped into my life tomorrow, I would likely fuck it all up, because this hot mess right here right now, I don't think anyone can handle!
So every night before I go to sleep, I look at my phone and check my email and look for his name, but it's never there and I miss him so much! and I won't write because I will likely not get a response, but I miss him so much, because I'm stuck in this time capsule of the beginning when he treated me like a queen, when I was everything to him, and now I might no longer exist in his memory but here I am typing this journal and crying like a baby. I feel so down and the fact that people never seem to know what they want with me, makes me even more down and makes me more depressed because I don't want to be in this place again, this place of uncertainty of not knowing where I stand in people's lives. This place where everything is scary! why did it have to be this way journal? why?
The man from B5 made me laugh made me cry! Tall with dark hair and a dark shadow beard oh my! musically inclined, smart, funny, mesmerizing, Jewish Italian, only 5 years younger. Yup that was him, the one that got away! Sometimes I wonder if he ever visits you journal, like has he ever thought about me since the last time we saw each other at the night club in Manhattan where he was a DJ on the weekends? What happened to the man from B5?
I was wondering about him the other day and I looked up his brother on Facebook, now here is the thing journal, I don't usually look at anyone's profile I try not to get into those habits of obsessing over anyone's social media, because at the end of the day, a lot of it is just bull shit! do you know how many times I've posted a picture and looked really happy but inside my heart was breaking? or how many times I posted something that came up somewhere only because in that moment I posted it I was thinking about something and it was relevant? in the end, if I want to know about someone truly, I reach out and say hello! I mean that is, if the person is still my friend or if I'm still comfortable talking to them. But here is the thing, a few years ago, I would say probably about 5 years ago, I sent the man from B5 let's call him Wilferm (that's the name he had said I could use on my blog when writing about him) so I sent him a txt and he never till this day, responded. In that moment I knew he didn't want to have anything to do with me, even though at that point I had not even talked to him in a really long time and I was just saying hello because it had been a while and I was wondering about him.
He and I never really dated, we were just friends, actually we slept together maybe 2x if that, actually the second time I slept with him, I had a panic attack and ran out of his house, it was the craziest thing that had ever happened to me, I had a panic attack because back then I was a commitment phoebe and I got so scared about the way I felt about him during sex, that I had to stop couldn't breath and literally ran out with half my cloths in my hand! (do you think that's what scared him about me?) this is a true story I swear it! we lived in the same building, him on the second floor me on the 6th literally the same row of apartments just different floors, anywho, after that obviously things became super awkward and to my unfortunate luck, one morning I saw him leaving the building with another woman and that was shitty to see! because I was never in love with him, but I really really really really liked him A LOT!
Before our story ended, he once told me that he never wanted to be the reason why someone wouldn't do something they really wanted to do and the translation to that was, "Jazzy you have plans on moving to Colorado and I would never want to be the reason why you don't go!" maybe that is just something I thought he meant, but it was a really strange story that he and I shared because I would have never came to Colorado if he would have given us the opportunity to be something more. I once saw him with his mom outside of the building and I remember thinking, damn, I wish I could meet her! as I write this my heart aches a little, he was definitely sort of everything I never knew I always wanted, but you know how life goes journal, sometimes you just don't get what you want!
So I'm writing about this now because the other day when I wrote my post about marriage, I thought to myself, if there was anyone that I could choose to marry right now, who would that be? and immediately he came to my mind! I think about him randomly not consistently but like if something happens and I don't know I'm thinking about men or Brooklyn or just random stuff, he will come to mind. One day, I told him that I had found his brother on FB and that I had seen his whole family and he was all upset about it and I was like...... It's not like I'm stalking you, I'm telling you about it, why do people get all crazy about stupid shit like that? that's why people are on social media, if you don't want anyone to know anything about you, then you shouldn't be on it! and that is just the thing journal, this man does not have any social media at all, the only thing he has is LinkedIn because it's a professional site, but other than that, he is but a ghost in this world wide web!
However, his family has Facebook and ever so often I would look up his brother to see if maybe for some strange reason, there was a picture of him or something, I missed him! about a week ago I was thinking about him and I looked up the brother and then the mother and when I went to his mom's page, there HE WAS! a perfect picture of my Wilferm! OMG! he is still as handsome as I remember! I kept thinking hey! how are you? and I stared at the picture for a while and yearned to talk to him! I missed him so much! and wondered why he thought it was best never to talk to me again? I can't believe how great he looked, and to the masses I bet he's nothing special but to me, I had to sit there and stare at that picture and wonder, because the man in B5 who made me laugh and made me cry, never spoke to Jazzy again!(insert sad face here).
I wrote the poem below for him right before I moved to Colorado, because he said that one day he would visit me! he did come to Denver once, but he didn't let me know he did until after the fact, what about me made him feel that we couldn't be friends? I never understand men!
The man from B5 By: Jazzy Originally written on July 3, 2013 The man in B5, made me laugh, made me cry... And on that last night there could be no good bye. For those last hours were spent there with me, it was almost as if life had just made it be. And on that last night through little white lies a promise was made. That one day he'd go and spend time with me there, and that on that day it would be a grand big affair! That we would walk, we would laugh as only we do! down the road up the hill, over the mountains, we'd see, the wonderful natural beauty of God, the breath taking planes, and the wonderful sky! And oh my goodness what is that which we see? It's that sort of tree oh this place is for me! And hours will come and hours will go, Just him and just I, us sing and us dance! I'll ruffle his feathers and keep him together. He'll keep me from dreaming and being a fool. Together we'll smile it will last for a while, together at last together we'll be, together at last just he and just me. And we both will tell truths and we both will tell lies, and we both will not know why we once said goodbye! Oh boy one more time I will have him near! and he won't remember that what I said was clear, that dreams do come true remember please dear! that I held him, I smelled him and kissed his soft lips. And then I'll remember how on that last nigh he hugged me real tight and it felt just so right! together in my memory we'll be! the man from B5, just he and just me! I will leave you with..... Michael Jackson - Rock with you
It is 2022 and that means that it is a new year and a new opportunity to be great! or at least, tell yourself that you are stronger than you think! well, at least that's what I tell myself! I have had you for 11 years now! I never thought that 11 years later I would still be here, writing these words that mean nothing to some, but everything to me.
So I have a little story to tell you journal. The other day I was talking to someone and he told me that he felt that I talked about marriage a lot, when he told me this, I was really taken aback, like HOLY SHIT DUDE! I talk about a ton of shit but all you ever heard was me telling you that one day I want to get married? that's crazy! This comment definitely made me realize that men have selective listening or that they only pick up subtle cues of what a woman is telling them or only hear what they want to. Immediately when he told me that I found myself defending myself and telling him that the reason why I talked about marriage so much lately or I guess since I met him, is because I was supposed to be married right now, I was engaged and instead of getting married we broke up and that was really hard for me, I never thought that I would be naked on a bed with another man explaining to him why I spoke about marriage so much! I thought that I would be naked with one man only for the rest of my life!
After I had this conversation with him, it left me thinking about marriage and why was it that I was talking about it so much, like even when I was with my good friends this past summer, I told them that one day I would like to get married again, immediately, two of the three, the two that aren't married, told me they would never get married, that was far from their mind. I told them, that it made me sad that people felt this way these days, like everyone walks around with this fear of the most normal thing that can happen between two people that love, honor and respect one another. But maybe, the problem is that no one loves, honors or respects anyone these days, everyone is all about open relationships, open marriages and this world just seems chaotic and crazy, love rarely exists anymore. What happened to love? why is everyone always so scared?
Thinking back at all of this, it makes sense that he had these plans. He grew up in a loving home with two parents that loved each other and had been married for over 30 years, he grew up in an environment where marriage was OK where marriage was encouraged and marriage was thought of as a wonderful thing. Actually, his mom once asked me why weren't we married? when she asked me I was so shaken up, I almost didn't know what to answer! by this time, he and I had been living together for over 2 years, so the question made perfect sense. Meanwhile, here I was the bitter about marriage bitch, talking about.... I will NEVER get married. I loved him more than life and I couldn't fathom the thought of him not being in my life! yet the thought of marriage was still the furthest thing from my mind, I was still like...FUCK THAT! but why? why was I so bitter? I now realize that I was so bitter because I was allowing past bad experiences dictate my future! Because I had never truly healed from those bad experiences. Why do we all do this? why is life so scary?
As time started passing and I started falling in love with him more and more each day, and we started building a home together, all of a sudden things in my mind began to change, all of a sudden, love was an amazing thing again, he showed me what it looks like when a man loves a woman, truly loves a woman, he loved me and took care of me and always had my back. On another occasion, we had broken up for about 2 months, he even left the state when we did. I was completely devastated and yet, somehow we found our way back to each other, when he came back home, he was like.... Maybe we should get engaged or something, at that time, I was still like.... WTF! why do we need to do that? still, the bitter bitch couldn't fathom the thought of marriage. Someway some how, as time continued to go on the more I loved him the more I started to paint a picture in my mind of the idea of marriage. Then finally I told him that I would be ok with marrying him. It took him 4 years to make me believe that marriage was wonderful and that with the right person, you could build a world that only the two of you would share! granted, my story ended with a break up instead of a wedding, but he left behind a believer, a believer in love and a believer that I deserve all of that, marriage all of it! and that I don't or won't apologize for it and that I shouldn't have to and that if people are to scared to be happy that's not my problem!
So I guess where I'm at now with the marriage topic is this. I am not on the "hunt" for a husband, I told my friend the other day that in my life I had been engaged 4x and married 2x and while non of it was successful, I didn't care, because if I die tomorrow, I already did all of that. But the point is, that to me marriage is a lot more than a piece of paper, I always think of marriage the way my two gay friends who's wedding I officiated but not really (they are not legally married) got "married." They love one another and in front of the people they love, they shared vows with each other to tell the world that they were devoted to one another, that they would be there for each other in sickness and in health, in good times and bad times until death do's them part! I LOVE THAT! why don't I deserve a wonderful man that will want to love, honor and respect me for as long as he lives? why should I be bitter about marriage ever again? My new attitude about marriage is not that I need it and I'm in the "hunt" is more so that I'm OPENED to it and not a bitter bitch because other people in my past hurt me! on the flip side, if I love someone and he is showing me all of these things and to him it means a lot that we don't get married then I won't really care much about it either, because to me, it's about the commitment not so much the actual marriage part of it. My ex came into my life not having as many life experiences as I did and he taught me or rather, he reminded me that love is a wonderful thing, that knowing someone has your back is the best feeling in the world, that taking care of someone you love fills you, that it's ok to be alone, but that it's better to be in good company.
So I tell you journal, I don't know what my future holds and I don't know if I will ever sit here and write the story of the little wedding I had in XYZ place and I don't know if I will ever write my love story on my blog because I don't know if I will have one again, but I do know this, I am OPENED to all the possibilities because I am no longer a bitter bitch, I am no longer afraid to love and be loved again, I will NOT ALLOW bad experiences to continue to shape me, because why should I? There are still wonderful men out there, I know a TON of them, most of my friends are male and I see them yearning love, just like us women, so why is it that talking about marriage is such a scary thing for men? why is it that when a women mentions that, maybe just in passing, that's all they hear?
This man that told me that I talk about marriage a lot, when I told him this, I was having a conversation with him, I never in a million years was thinking or saying.... Damn I want to marry you! like when I initially told him this, I barely even knew him! so why in the WORLD would this be the ONLY thing, this man heard? and furthermore, why should I care if me mentioning that scared him away? if that is all you are hearing, than you clearly don't pay attention! like what the fuck!
I guess, note to self, don't EVER mention the M word, to someone you are sleeping with, because apparently that means to them that you are trying to "land them" dude, unless you are a surgeon with homes all over the country making millions and saving lives, ain't nobody trying to land shit! all these losers I meet need to calm the fuck down, because I deserve the world, any man would be so lucky to have the privilege and pleasure of having my love. It took me forever to realize my self worth, but now that I know it, I won't go around giving my love so easy, so again, unless you are a millionaire who can take care of me and I don't ever have to lift a finger again, will have my own chauffer, private jet and all the designer cloths my heart desires, you are probably safe! you are GOOD! because Jazzy ain't trying to marry just anyone, I'm not out here trying to hunt me a husband! laugh my fucking ass off! hilarious!
