Dear Journal -
I've been doing so much reflecting lately and just thinking about stuff and trying to heal and move forward and I keep asking myself the same question and that question is WHY? I joined all these heartbroken pages on FB which are actually pretty cool, It's cool because it feel like a community of people that might be going through the same stuff you are and they can relate, I've had some good advice on their and probably given some good advice to people also, it's nice to feel like there are others you can talk to that don't really know your story but are able to have some sympathy for what you are feeling because they are feeling something similar.
The reason why I keep asking the question WHY? is because I don't understand us human beings sometimes, I keep thinking about that song from Whitney Houston called "didn't we almost have it all" and I keep thinking that my ex and I were so close to having it all and then we just threw it all away. Like we worked so hard or let me rephrase that, I worked so hard for so long to keep moving forward to do things the right way to try and have a healthy relationship and somewhere somehow, my efforts were left unnoticed. Like what else did I need to do to show this person that I loved him so much and wanted to do anything I could to make him happy? Yes I know that it's supposed to be a two way street, but there were some points in our relationship that he had tried also and he worked so hard on breaking down my walls that were so high, only to give up in the end. I mean, life's experiences are what makes us grow and I guess he didn't know how to turn this story into a success story and I didn't know how to let this story go before it went to where it did.
My niece told me the other day that she was SO PROUD OF ME! she was like, do you not see how much you've grown from this relationship? you even considered getting married something you had said you would never do again, you cuddled again and most importantly you loved again! That really helped me. Hearing that from someone that knows me better than most made me feel better and like it wasn't a total waste of my years.
I wanted to write this post mainly because I don't ever understand why people can't figure out a way to love and make things work. Why don't people try harder especially when they are in love, or should you just give up the moment it gets hard? For me, I didn't want to give up, I wanted to keep trying, I wanted it to be forever, whatever forever may be. I just felt like we almost had it all.
Whitney was pretty amazing! may she RIP.
