IT'S TOO LATE.........

Dear Journal -

Life feels good, I am pretty happy with it lately.  I have gained like 15 pounds I think and I'm a little down about that because I feel so heavy in my skin, but I know that if I work really hard I can loose it.  I can't really run anymore because my achilles tendon hurts every time I try, and I have been working so much I'm always tired, but life all in all is really good!

I miss my friend AJ very much, but I know that I must move on from him even though it hurts me.  Other than that, I don't have much more to tell you.  I feel sad that I don't write to you as much as I once did, but my priorities have changed and writing isn't one of them, I do write for my new job though, and that makes me happy! I promise at some point I will try to write more often......

I'm tired.  Good night Journal.

I leave you with:

Carol King
It's too late....

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gntZrO59dE8

Dear Journal....... May 20, 2014

Last night I watched the season finally of the Vampire Diaries (which I love) and at the end of the episode I cried like a baby! at first I was crying because the way the main character was crying for the man she loved felt so real, that I was deeply touched.  Soon after though, the more I cried, the more I realized I wasn't crying over the episode anymore, all of a sudden my tears had turned into tears of sadness for my own reasons.  At first I began to think about AJ and how much I miss talking to him, I miss my friend! I hate that we always fight for the stupidest things that make no sense, yet make so much sense at the same time.  Clearly the feelings we share for one another are very deep, yet he made a decision about me which was not to allow me in his life in a certain capacity, and that decision makes it difficult for him to be my friend.  Yes I know that this fight I was the one that told him I didn't want to talk to him anymore, but I only did that because I was so angry at him, at the things that he does, anyway, I cried last night because I missed him so much and everyday that passes, it's a little bit harder. 

AJ by the way journal, was never my boyfriend, AJ has always been my friend, http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2012/06/f-trust-issues.html buy we have had so many crazy fights, you would think we have been a couple for over two years, which is how long we have known each other.  Anyway, the person that I was dating, I broke up with him a few weeks ago also, I have to admit that being single feels good to me, I don't know, I have just gotten so set on my ways and so used to being with myself, that I feel disconnected almost from that life, the life of a pair.  I am happy however that at least I gave it a try and at least I gave it a try with someone super super nice, super special.  I felt really bad to have to break things off with him, but there were just to many factors involved that I don't really want to get into.  I still speak to him and think he is a great person, but I don't see him, I think it's better to keep my distance for a bit. 

Journal I also miss my oldest son so desperately! I have not spoken to him in over a week and that is the longest time I have not communicated with him.  He is now an army soldier, started boot camp last week, I miss my boy! I am so proud of my child! it feels so weird that he is no longer a child and that I can't take care of him, he is a young man, preparing himself to defend our country! I'm honored to call him my son!

I have so much more I want to write but I am so tired! I have been working two jobs to make some extra cash.  I love my new job though and soon I will be quitting my second job which is a lot of fun.  I love Colorado! I wish I would have moved here sooner!

Good night journal!

Sooooo Sick of him!

Dear Journal:

I'm sick and tired of AJ! yup! I seriously sincerely am! all he and I ever do is argue about dumb shit and I'm tired of him accusing me of not being able to have a girlfriend because of me! how the hell is it my fault? his explanation is so ridiculous that I can't even believe someone would say something so ridiculous! but what can I expect of a young man that has no life experiences? these feelings that I have for him have to go away! I don't want them anymore!

Journal, AJ who I have known for two and a half years, has occupied my thoughts and my heart for far too long, and we hung out and we are so cool as friends and then he turns around and gets mad at me about things and instead of facing me and telling me to my face, he hides behind his phone because it's easier to send text messages to express yourself.  I'm so over it already, if he thinks that this time I'm going to try to make up with him he is so wrong, I am done with this situation, I don't care how many tears I will cry from now on and how many times I will miss him desperately! I guess you are wondering what happened to my boyfriend? well, we broke up.  I am also sick and tired of living lies, I will not do that to him, myself or anyone else.

Yesterday I went on a hike and thought about how much Ben would of liked Colorado.  I know it's ridiculous that I still think of that man ever so often, but well you can't blame me for it, I loved him for 5 years of my life and never even kissed the dude, that's pretty significant.  Anyway, lately I have been really happy with the way my life is going, and I don't need any complications with anyone.  I have realized that me and and relationships don't mesh well together and I don't want them anymore! I'm done trying to be nice to people and being taken for granted.  I have decided to go back to be single and being pretty happy! I have been single for years and been ok with it, I'm good!

My I guess now ex boyfriend, he is a nice person and I can be his friend, but I can't be with him, it doesn't feel right, it just doesn't and I don't want to continue to pressure myself to be with someone just because I feel like I need to be in a relationship to feel normal.  I am normal, I am just fine and I have many things I need to do right now, I cannot be worried about men! fuck them all!

I am in a shitty mood today, I am tired and wish I could sleep all day, unfortunately I have things to do, but journal, I promise that the next time I write you, I will be ok.  THIS TOO SHALL PASS! and yes, I will forget about all this nonsense that I don't need to deal with or tolerate.  I feel bad that things didn't work out with my boyfriend, but he is way too all over the place for me! the lesson that I learned from this experience is that you NEED to be friends with someone first! I have to be friends with someone before I can be in a relationship with them, being with him so fast was kind of crazy! I seriously felt trapped! worst feeling in the world.

Anyway...... I don't feel like ranting and raving anymore...... so I shall go!

peace journal!

Not a bad thing!........

Dear Journal:

Hi! I have been missing you! I sometimes forget that the reason why I got you was because I preferred to go on a site that I consider mine, ie. my own blog page, then to go on a public social network site to share my thoughts.  For starters, the limited amount of characters on a status update, doesn't allow you to fully share what is REALLY going on in your mind, just imagine me trying to share all that happens in my life on one status! that would be totally nuts!

Today I received an email from my wonderful ex creative writing professor, I truly enjoyed his class! he told me he was moving to Los Angeles with his amazing fiance and to continue to write, he also told me that if I ever wrote anything I wanted to share with him, he would review it and critique it! that was in my opinion pretty awesome of him to offer! I think he is one awesome guy and hope that one day he gets the credit he deserves for his hard work.  Anyway, after I read the email that ended with the sentence... "keep writing" I realized that I have been totally slacking on my writing, and that I need to get to it ASAP! the problem is that I can only write things that are currently going on in my life, and I am not sure if writing certain things would be a good thing.  I can very well start telling you a few things that are of no importance, but writing those things would be sort of lame I guess, because when I look back to this my journal to remember a time, I would like to remember it as accurate as possible, however, in the past, I have gotten myself in all sorts of trouble with things I have written, so I am not sure when it is ok to write something that is real and happening, and when it may be time to keep things to myself? except if I keep things to myself then I am not being true to you, my live journal....

The other night as I laid down with my boyfriend, I told him that I was having a really difficult time being in a relationship.  I told him that I was beginning to feel claustrophobic and that there were days when I wanted to just start running.  He asked me what about us being together made me feel that way, and I told him that the fact that I can't just up and go as I please, really annoyed me and I proceeded to give him an example of a day last week, when I wanted to just take off, but didn't do so because I had to stop and consider his feelings about me disappearing.  After I told him that, he told me that all I needed to do in the future, was to call him and give him a heads up that I was going to do something, and he would understand.  I guess he didn't understand that, that is exactly what I didn't want to do, that is exactly what I dislike about being in a relationship, except if he did that to me I would probably be upset.  I told him that also, I told him that I felt like I wanted to have my cake and eat it too, and his response to that was, that cake was meant to be eaten! and after he said that, he proceeded by telling me that he really didn't want to talk about all of that at that moment and after he said that, he turned around and the conversation was over!

I am not sure where this blog post is going, maybe I just needed to let that last paragraph out of my head and on to this page, because when I tried to express to my boyfriend how I'm feeling and what thoughts are going on in my head, he chooses not to talk about it and pretend I didn't say anything.  The truth is however that I feel pressured, I feel claustrophobic and I feel strange.  I don't know how to do this whole relationship thing, and I don't even know if I like it.  I have been alone for so long I no longer know how to be part of another, I don't know how to be ok with having to let someone know my whereabouts as if they were my parent.  I don't know how to deal with someone else's attitude and pretend i'm ok with it.  I don't know what things I should tell this person, and what I shouldn't.  I am scared to fall for him, but even more afraid to think of maybe letting him go and worst of all, I am starting to miss him whenever I'm gone for a few hours, even though I shouldn't have to because I know that I am going to see him later! and the reason why I know I will be seeing him later is because I am currently living with him temporarily, and I have no where else to go but to his place! I am seriously feeling a bit overwhelmed by this whole thing and all he can say is.... "I don't want to talk about it right now," and I'm supposed to be ok with that? I seriously forgot how fucking annoying being involved with someone is and I just don't know how long I can deal with it for.

So yes, all is nice nice on the surface, there is a lot of kissing going on, and we have sex and yes we laugh and tell each other past silly stories, so yes, everyone is happy! or are we? is he? I mean I tell him I'm having a hard time being in a relationship and he turns around and goes to sleep! what the fuck! maybe he is also and doesn't want to address it, who knows! in any case, I am feeling overwhelmed and a little lost in the shuffle, I just don't know that I know how to be a plus one! I liked my freedom! I enjoyed doing what I wanted when I wanted and I have been honest about it except he pretends I didn't say anything and then I pretend I didn't say anything either because we weren't supposed to talk about it! what the f$#@! I keep telling myself that things will get better, and I look at his face and think to myself.... "damn he's cute!" but is cute enough to keep me around and pretending that everything is fine and dandy? or is this relationship already heading to it's end when it barely just began? or am I over analyzing this because it is going so fast? I hate it! why couldn't it just be simple! 

So, yes journal, this is what's going on in my life currently and I only hope that by being honest to you, I don't end up messing everything up because the wrong person might read this post.  But well, I will stay true to you no matter what trouble I get into, because at the end of the day, this is me, this is my life and I choose to share it!

I will leave you with my new favorite song! yes.... it makes me think about how my boyfriend feels about me... Jazzy is scared!

Justin Timberlake - Not a bad thing...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y8ygKnBtKAk