Scared Shitless!

"An unexamined life, is not worth living" ~ Socrates

Dear journal -

In a little over a month, I turn 50 years old! OH MY! I feel like for the last year, I've been preparing for this day to come, like I literally felt like I was already 50 all year long! that's HALF A FUCKING CENTURY! I don't give a shit what anyone says to me about how I should feel, it is a really scary time for me right now! Like I said, I've been preparing for this the whole year.  

When I turned 45 it was kind of the same thing, I was really scared I felt weird and it just felt like something wasn't right, like the number didn't fit me.  My current ex, who is 20 years younger than I am, told me that he had a surprise for me, because I had told him that I almost didn't want to do  anything for my bday. So, what did my ex man do you ask? well, he made me a "surprise party!" now he knew that I liked going out to the bars, so my surprise was really that he invited all his twenty something year old friends to come out and celebrate my bday with me! I miss him! neither him or his friends EVER made a comment or acted weird or made me feel anything less than Chinos girl (that's not his real name) they al ways treated me pretty awesome or at least the ones that weren't in the side lines hating hard as fuck, because he didn't give two fucks what my age was! 

I had such a great 45 bday, he made me feel so happy and his friends were super cool! We just had a great time at the bars that night, something he hated doing! He never liked going out, but would always be like, baby, if you want to go, then go! I always knew who our haters were and they were usually women, in particular, there was this one woman that I knew had a thing for my man, I never ever felt insecure in my relationship as far as the females that he was surrounded by, because I knew I made him really happy, but there was this one time that he and I had broken up, and that same woman, said something like, well she's old anyway or something to that affect and my Chino went OFF ON THAT BITCH! when we got back together and he told me this, he also apologized to me, because I had told him, I could tell she would always hate on us and on our relationship.  He finally saw that what I would tell him about the people he called friends, was true.  Coincidentally, when he and I broke up this time and he changed his profile picture the a picture of him and his new maybe wife now? guess who hearted the picture? yup the same hating ass bitch, that I swear journal I try not to be ghetto anymore, but if I ever bump into that woman again, I might not be able to control my younger self who would not take shit from ANYONE and held her tongue for so long because "I won't stoop that low" so if I do see her, I hope for her sake, that she doesn't catch me on a wrong day!

I did not come on my journal today to reminisce on a love that I was knew or on the haters that have crossed my path though, I do often tend to get off topic when I'm writing to you journal! What I was saying journal is that this is a big deal because turning this age really makes you think of your life and be like, what the fuck have I done with it? sometimes I feel like I've accomplished so much and others, I'm like fuck! I haven't done shit! My mother who is an amazing woman and who I am blessed to still have, is planning the best birthday party ever for me! I am so excited to be celebrating although I'm also scared! 

My mom is on point with the party planning, she's so excited about it, almost more than I am.  I am going to celebrate my birthday in Colombia and I told her that what I want people to bring me as gifts is food, like uncooked food, like rice, beans, grains anything that I can donate to the elderly home in my town.  I thought it would be appropriate to celebrate this birthday there, because I was born there and I have only celebrated birthdays 1-6 there and then when I turned 15 I also got to celebrate my bday there and it wasn't like a big quinceañera which is the traditional age that is celebrated in my culture.  My birthday present was actually the ticket to go to Colombia, but while I was there my grandmother threw me a pretty awesome party!  Back then and probably the only time in my life that I have been with anyone older than me, my boyfriend who was at the time 25, sent me a bouquet of flowers and all sorts of gifts, he was back in NY and obviously couldn't make it to my party, but since he was already a grown man and he had a pretty bad ass job at the time, I got super spoiled by him! He went on to break my heart and married a woman that was 10 years older than him! go figure!

So, I am scared maybe because it's a big number, maybe because I've done nothing at all with my life, maybe because I don't have my ex to make me feel ok about it, maybe because I feel insecure about how I should act or who I should be by now, maybe I just don't want to accept that I'm aging or that my death is closer, or that my kids are no longer kids, it's so much that I can't quite pin point it, but, I do know that I will also get through this like I get through everything I have in my life time and the one thing I really do want, is to age with grace, to feel ok with it all, to accept who I am and who I've become, to continue to live my life without fear or reservations, to stop judging myself and not paying attention to what anyone has to say about me, my life choices etc.  it's really hard though and I struggle with all of it! but, there are a lot of wonderful things happening in my life so I want to end this journal entry with this...................

Dear universe and God, thank you for all my blessings! I'm sorry for being ungrateful and sometimes feeling sorry for myself.  I realize that I am a very lucky and blessed human that has so many amazing people in my life.  Thank you universe for my health, my family, my friends, my career and most of all, thank you for my kids and their health and the lives that they are living, I see so much hurt all around me all the time, the families that allow me into their lives everyday that struggle with so much more than I can ever imagine.  Give me the strength to be the rock that they need so that I can help them help themselves and thank you for another year of life! I am eternally grateful for all the love that I am lucky enough to have in my life..... Amen!

I will leave you with.... Leonardo DaVinci's Beautiful Angel!

Dancing makes me think of you!

 Dear Journal - 

I've been going on quite a few hikes lately and I really genuinely enjoy them! I really like to do it alone because it feels like my time to be with myself, I usually hope no one is around so they can't see me talking to myself, and so far I haven't gotten caught! (this may or may not be true, the talking to myself out loud part) but my best friend and I would always joke that back in the days when I would be on the trains in NYC going to work or coming home from work, I would be thinking so hard that the next thing I knew, I would catch myself moving my lips! I was exaggerating, or maybe not, but it was always our joke like....... Don't think to hard on the train! Trails are different though! I talk to the plants and the bugs and birds and anything else I see that is living! nature is amazing and I catch myself sometimes not even thinking, but just loosing myself in the moment, which only would ever happen to me when I would run!

Last weekend was pretty cool! I went out with some friends and they left around 1 and I said, I will stay until close I want to continue to dance.  Throughout my life, everyone has always thought that I am crazy because I am that person that literally likes to go out to literally dance! When I was in my late teens and early 20's and living in NYC, there would be nights that I would go out to the clubs by myself pick a corner and dance all night long! this is a true fact and I have friends that will attest to this.  I always ended up seeing people I knew at the clubs, I went out so much I even knew professional dancers, I was friends with one who was actually a back up dancer for Janet Jackson and just knew a bunch of kids that were professionals, now when I think back, I always feel like I could have been that also, but I just didn't have the support that I needed to get into the field of dancing, non the less, dancing has always been special to me and I love it and I will never stop! 

The reason why I'm writing to you today journal, is because when I was out on Friday night, at one point I really really missed him! my good friend and always dance buddy! I told you a few months ago that my friend of almost 8 years had told me that he had feelings for me and that it had been a very uncomfortable situation for me.  I always wonder what the hell is wrong with me and why it is that when someone likes me I don't like them and vice-versa, but anyway, this revelation was really hard for me because he is the type of friend that would come to my home, knows my kids, we have gone to dance battle together in Denver, we have partied like rock stars together, I have made him dinner, I have met his parents, like he is a true real friend no strings or sexual history not even kissing! we are legit friends, so when that happened it was really difficult for me because I did not feel the same way and I knew in that moment that our friendship would never be the same! 

Since that interaction, I had messaged him and talked to him like nothing had ever transpired, we actually had spoken on the phone once for like an hour but neither one of us brought anything up as I feel we both want to pretend like that awkward conversation ever happened.  Things did change though and I have not spoken to him as often.  On Friday, at like 1:30 in the morning when the liquor was kicking in, I sent him a txt message that read, are you out? I miss you homes! He responded a few minutes later telling me he missed me too and that he wasn't out but we could hang out the following night.  My friend is a great dancer, so I wanted to hang out but I already had plans for the next night so I had to tell him I couldn't go out.  

I miss hanging out with him so much and I want to again, but I just feel like I'm going to feel weird, like I know this secret about and feel guilty that I can't give him what he may want from me, although he never said what it was he wanted.  I'm so scared to ask though because then what if he does want something from me that I can't give him? then what? will that change our friendship even more? I just want it all to go away and for us to be the way we used to be! wing people to each other! Women ALWAYS look at him and try to dance with him and hit on him and he is so oblivious sometimes! I'm like DUDE! did you not see that? meanwhile, he will always try to hook me up with some rando at the bars! it's so much fun and hilarious, I love him so much! 

I've met some of the women he's semi dated, he tells me all about his "friends" that he never wants to date etc. that's our friendship! that's what I want again.  He's really handsome has no kids is in his late 30's educated and sure he has some things he needs to work on like the rest of us, but I think with the right woman by his side, he will be even more amazing! Because we all know journal, that behind a great man, there has to be a greater women.  I just hate that, that woman can't be me because I just don't see us that way and I've never really have, I've always thought of him like family.  I did try to think of us that way once he told me what he felt and I just couldn't see it, I just feel like our chemistry is friendship and that's it.  Sometimes when I think of all my male friends I'm like.... If only I can make my perfect guy with a little bit of this one and a ton of that one and some of this one! I have some seriously dope males in my world!

In other Jazzy news, things are good journal! lots of self care this month, it's been really simple my life, just very focused on the things that matter to me, like my kids, my family, my beautiful friends! I just got back on like 2 dating sites, one of them I had not been on for like 10 years and as soon as I put my info in, there I was! in all my late 30's glory! Pictures of me and everything! I was like What The Fuck! like you don't know me dating site! you didn't know I would be back! but it did! on a positive note, I was like HOLLY SHIT! I forgot about this pic, so I just had to update some photos and start clicking! Jazzy doesn't lie about her age or uses old pics, I want people to like me for me and what I look like now, not what I looked like in the past.  So, let's start the games again, I say games because that's all it is, bunch of games adult people play! Let the fun begin!

I will leave you with Aaron Smith - Dancin 

this song always gets me hyped! ha! good times!

Desperately Seeking Jazzy!

 Dear Journal -

I am completely obsessed with figuring out how I will climb the next mountain! It is seriously an addiction and now I understand what all the fuss is about! OMG! it reminds me of the runners high I would get whenever I used to go on my runs! speaking of runs, yesterday I went on my typical hike which I usually do in about an hour to an hour and 15 min.  WELL! I was able to run down the hill and I ran the whole thing which is about maybe a mile and it felt AMAZING! at the end my foot still felt good and I just felt really accomplished, it was a good feeling to feel like myself again! I try not to over do it because I'm always afraid to get hurt again, but sometimes I do want to push myself a little.

So after hiking for 8 hours last weekend, I came home and wrote about how I felt really sad when I had reached the top of the mountain and felt as if I didn't have anyone to share that news with.  The truth is that there was someone that I did want to share the news with, but in the past he has ignored my messages and as you know journal, being ignored is not only rude, disrespectful and pretty mean, but it also gives me anxiety as it reminds me of one named (Benjamin Nunez) who literally ignored me for 2 years or maybe more I can't even remember anymore.  I am going to start writing the story and one day my goal is to write a book where I will reveal his true identity, there are very few people that know who he is, and while he isn't a "celebrity" he is definitely very well known in his field and in the blogger world, he has hundreds of followers and he's been blogging for about 20 years now, so I can't WAIT! to put his name on my book and let people know what an asshole he was to me and how he played with my head and fucked me up pretty bad, with his internet games!

I had decided a while back that while this person that I wanted to share this news with I felt a very strong connection with and thought he felt it back, I was always afraid to like really show this person  all of me.  I feel now that I lied to him and to myself about my true feelings, partially because I am afraid of rejection and partially because I'm afraid to feel this close to anyone and while I came on here saying that I was SO ready to find myself a boyfriend, I know myself well enough to know that I don't really operate that way, I have never really went "looking" for a boyfriend, I think that whenever I've been in a relationship it's simply because it just happened, like I felt a strong connection to that person and vice versa, so the truth is journal, that I'm not desperately seeking anything, however, by spending time with this man whom I wanted to share my news with and feeling connected to him, it made me feel the desire to be close to someone again, but anytime I tried imagining myself with him or anyone else for that matter, my heart starts beating really fast and I feel this enormous amount of fear, I AM SO SCARED! to love again ever! I know that this is probably temporary or I hope it is, I hope that one day I can open myself up to the opportunity, but for now it's still too scary to imagine and I just feel that when it does, it will just flow, I won't feel afraid to text this person because I will know he will respond, I won't feel afraid to show him expressions of kindness or thoughtfulness because he will offer me the same kindness and also be thoughtful with me.  I won't be afraid to call him because if he doesn't pick up I will know that he will call me back. 

This person that I was feeling close to, was not offering me the attention that I wanted, I guess he wasn't into me that way, and while sometimes he sort of acted like he did feel some type of way about me, others it just felt like there was a lot of confusion going on in his mind.  To be fair, there is a lot going on in his life, and I did feel that we were friends and could talk about anything and we were or at least I was always trying to be really honest and I really loved that part, that we told each other stuff that sometimes I quite honestly maybe didn't want to know, but that part of me felt that if things with him would have progressed, I would have definitely trusted him.  I think some will call what happened between us, bad timing, I call it, he's not that into me! when a man wants a woman or vice versa for that matter, this person will show it and won't be afraid too.  

He once told me that he felt that if he ever got into a relationship again, it would have to be organic, which sure I get that, but also, things don't happen by magic, there has to be a little give an take and it can't be on the part of only one person, there has to be a little effort by both people.  I only ever asked him for one simple thing, which was, when we don't get to spend time together, message me and say hi.  That is literally all I ever asked for.  I almost feel like what we shared was very organic, like when we spent time together it was always amazing and we never really did much, just being in each others company felt natural and even if I didn't see him for a month, the moment we saw each other again, it was as if time had not passed, it was natural and just this strong connection that I almost can't explain, however, I also kept reminding myself that the moment I walked out of his door, it felt like I didn't exist, sometimes he would make a little bit of an effort and others it was as if I didn't exist.  So, because I have PTSD about being ignored and because I'm watching peoples actions toward me, I decided that I needed to get myself out of this one way love affair, I don't know what else to call it, I would always tell him it was our "little story"  I feel that I deserve way more than that, I've always been honest or maybe I wasn't honest at the end about how I was starting to feel, but at least now I know that I do want to feel close to someone but I want that person to want to be close to me as well.  

I keep turning people down that want to offer me attention, waiting for the attention that was never going to come probably. Sure, maybe I'm  one hundred percent wrong, but I have a feeling that to him I was just someone fun who's company he enjoyed, but there was something missing and he was still looking for "the one" who knows, I know I won't ever know, because he will never tell me probably.  People have the right to be with and care about whomever they want to, I'm just really glad that I've learned to see things for what they are, and that even though I'm bummed to pull myself out of this situation, I know that it's the best most loving thing for Jazzy to do for Jazzy!

I wish people were just more honest! I know I will be bummed about this for a while, mainly because I felt like he really helped me through the process of moving on from my ex, I guess a "rebound" if you will.  I hope one day he and I can be friends, we had some good laughs! I will miss him!

The title to this post was inspired by the movie - Desperately Seeking Susan, which starred Madonna!  I will leave you with one of my favorite Madonna songs - Get into the groove

14 thousand feet above the sea~

Dear Journal -

Such an exciting weekend indeed! I simply must tell you how I hiked up a mountain and made it to the peak! it was AMAZING! I never even thought about doing such a thing, but I recently met someone on a dating site who I didn't have a romantic connection with, but who turned out to be pretty cool and whom I  became friends with.  The day we met he talked to me about 14er's and I didn't even know what that meant, and then he told me, a 14er is a slang term to describe mountains that are 14thousand feet above sea level, the peaks reach 14k.  While some of these hikes might only be 3 or 4 miles to their summit, it is extremely hard because the entire ascend is an incline so for me, it took me 5 hours to hike up the mountain.  So when he explained this stuff to me, I was  like.....Well I want to do that! so began my obsession with having to do it! yesterday I finally accomplished my latest challenge! it was REALLY HARD! I would be lying if I told you journal that it was a piece of cake! I have to admit that there were definitely times that I wanted to turn back, but my friend pushed me on and I finally got to the top! I cannot tell you the mental strength that it takes to do such a hike, I talked myself into it every step of the way, and to be honest, everyone around you talked you into it! it's so awesome all the great people you meet on hikes! I made a new friend who lives in Colorado Springs, we talked and talked and talked some more, he is pretty darn cool!

Life this month has been pretty chill, I do have to attribute that to the fact that I haven't been on social media much and I also got off of all dating sites.  Getting off of dating sites has felt really good, it was getting really overwhelming because on the sites that I was on, I referenced my FB page so I would get emails on FB and on the sites and it was just a whole lot! I do fully intend on getting back on them next month, I think I might be starting to feel like I want to find someone to actually date, someone that I can feel connected to in a way that's just more than a sexual thing or a friendship thing.  While I do believe I do pretty well as a single woman, I just want to know that I have someone that I don't have to think about with fear, because I know he's thinking about me too, does that make sense? I don't want to feel like I have to hold back on being me and being genuine and giving, or like I have to pretend I don't care.  I want to meet someone that isn't afraid to give and receive, where will I find this masked man you ask? who knows! but I know one thing for sure, he's out there somewhere with all the wrong women and when he finds me, he's going to know and so will I! I have no doubt that someone out there, will see me for who I am.  I don't know how long it will take for this person to come into my life, but now I'm starting to feel like I'm opened to that, maybe it's because "WINTER IS COMING!" and no one likes cold lonely nights! unlike in my previous lifetime when I was afraid to cuddle, this new woman right here, will cuddle and cuddle some more! So, we shall see what these dating sites will bring into my reality! 

Journal in a month from now, or on  9/13 it will be a year that my ex and I officially broke up.  I had thought that by now I would be completely over it, but come to find out, I'm not completely over it, but I'm sure hell close to it! I had thought about deleting all the pictures I have of us on that date, I have over 500 pictures of us.  Not to long ago I found the strength to look at them and I cried and laughed and cried and laughed some more! We had some fun times for sure! Anyway, I had a conversation about the pictures with my friend who told me I should put them in a flash drive and just let them sit there until one day, I'm finally truly ready to delete them.  That idea made me feel so much better, because it didn't seem so finally.  Deep in my heart I always hope that one day, we will be able to talk again and say our sorry's I hope that one day we can at the very least check in on each other from time to time, after all, he was part of my life for 4 years and I didn't fall in love with a total and complete loser, he might be going through his journey and I'm no longer part of it, but he had some really good things that I will always miss! 

Yesterday on my hike, when I was about 13 thousand feet above sea level, I broke down and cried, because I thought about how he would complain to me that he didn't like hiking with me because "your foot always starts to hurt" but there I was 13 thousand feet 5 hours in of hiking with foot pain but still going strong, I cried because I want someone who will stand by me even if "my foot always hurts." I guess I was crying because the lack of oxygen was getting to my brain and I just felt a rush of emotions and I thought about how he would complain about my foot to me as if I had hurt myself on purpose.  I guess in that moment I also felt kind of lonely, like I had no one to tell my exciting news too.  Sure, I have my kids and friends who were proud of me, but it's different.  I guess in that moment is when I also thought, I want a boyfriend, I want to call someone to be like..... baby I did it! and then go home and celebrate with him! or even better, reach the top of the peak together and share a moment that is ours and part of our story! so we shall see! I might just change my mind tomorrow about having a significant other, I do tend to go back and forth on the idea.  

I do enjoy being single, I have so much fun, but I know that if I'm with the right person, someone who trusts me, then I can still have a lot of fun.  I don't necessarily need like someone who we have to be together 24/7 or someone that has to be on my beck and call, I just want someone chill who I can do things with and who's company I enjoy and who I can laugh with and just have a good time with.  I don't necessarily want anything extremely crazy as I do realize that it takes time to get to that place not a crazy place but like a very serious committed place, but I guess what I do want is someone that I'm exclusive with that I don't have to keep being on dating sites anymore, although this person may have to understand that for the purposes of this journal, I might need to stay on them, but he will trust me because I am one loyal person to my feelings and if I pick you and I like you, then that person need not worry about me straying! Jazzy is as loyal as can be, even if I have had my mishaps in the past, I have learned from them and have full intention of being a loyal good fun loving girl to some lucky man!

I will leave you with a pic of me up closer to the sky! I felt a little angelic! I'm already planning my next adventure hike! the rush is like no other!

I took a video when I reached the top of the mountain and this song came to mind, because I started from the bottom! there is always a song attached to my stories! All situations make me think of music! I love music so very much!

Started from the bottom - By Drake

CHILD SEX ABUSE ONE OF MILLIONS OF STORIES!

Dear Journal -

I obviously write very personal stuff on here and I share things that are important to me. The post below was written by my niece who is an amazing young woman! She writes beautiful songs and is incredibly smart and she has been through more than anyone her age should ever have been through, but she is resilient and is strong and extremely BRAVE! she posted this as her FB status on July, 24 2021 and when I saw it I could not believe how BRAVE she was to share something so deeply personal! I was SO PROUD OF HER!

There are some posts on my blog that were written by friends of mine, I would sometimes ask people if I could share their story on my journal etc. I asked her if I could share this on my journal as I think it is EXTREMELY important that more young women and girls come out and tell their story as they did not do ANYTHING WRONG! The more these topics are talked about and the more awareness we build around them, the less it may start to happen as it might resonate with a mom somewhere who might be trusting their child with a perpetrator. By the way journal, it isn't a mom's fault that this happens, that's not what I'm implying, however, we NEVER really know who we are trusting our kids with, please take really good care of them because they are so beautiful, amazing and vulnerable! Below is my beautiful nieces very sad story! Please share this story with others!

Written by Ashley:

So, since I'm having full fleged dreams about it. I'm going to write down my feelings. If you read till the end, thank you.

My 21 year old secret:

When I was about 2 years old my father abandoned me. Pretty much walked out of my life and came every 2 years to lie to my face. "I love you, I'm not leaving this time." I don't like talking bad of the dead, and I'm sorry father, but you were a shit father to me. You made me cry and think I wasn't worthy of love. Because of you I hated my brother for years. I believed my brother was lucky, because his dad stayed. His dad loved him. His dad actually loved my mom. And nobody knew but the man that raised me since I was 3, started sexually abusing me since I was 5. And because I was in so desperate need of a dad I let it continue for years (for many of them I didn't even know what was happening.) Growing up I knew I wanted my brother to have his dad around, I wanted my mom to have her support around. Everyone loved this man. This man, who took someone else's kid and treated her as his own, could do no wrong. I couldn't lose the only dad I knew. I couldn't have my mother cry again. I couldn't let my brother feel my pain of being abandoned by his dad. And despite my father being a stranger in my life, I knew he would hurt Richard had I said something. So as I grew up, I continued to lie, so nobody would suffer (because of me, but this was also a lie I told myself.). I continued to tell everyone that Richard was the best dad ever. It wasn't until therapy, my father passing, and a deep secret of Richard's moral character that I decided it was FINALLY time to stop hiding this secret for him. It took all the courage I had to realize that even though it felt like a selfish thing to tell people about what happened, it wasn't. It wasn't MY lie, it wasn't My fault. I didn't deserve that. I didn't do anything wrong. I went to the police, told my story. Collaborated with every detective I had to. Cried on a witness stand... Because I had never said any of these things out loud before. I had never let them leave my mind. These events. These feelings. I left it all on that stand... And now, he's awaiting his court date. And although I do not hate him, I do hope he gets what he deserves. I hope he never hurts anyone else.

Moral of the story:

My wonderful human being brothers and sisters, it's never too late to relieve yourself from a burden. I feel so free now that I have told my story. I can walk with my head held up high, knowing that I did deserve the true unconditional love, no strings attached by a dad. I just never got it. And that's okay. My daughter has that now, and I couldn't be happier.

Fathers, maybe the woman you had children with is the worst woman in the world (my father's excuse), but your child deserves to have their dad in their life. Your child, however he or she came to be (accident, planned etc) deserves the right to be a functional adult, with a father who gives a shit about them. I know it may not be easy dealing with someone you may no longer love, you may not even like, but that's YOUR CHILD. You can tell yourself that they won't need you. That they are "better without you" (also what my father said). But I can assure you, they are not. Had my father been around, I wouldn't have needed Richard's love. I wouldn't have let him hurt me just to have a dad around. We want to be whole. We want to know where we come from. We want to be wanted by the people who supposedly are biologically inclined to love us. And when you choose to be a shit dad, you are setting that child up for failure, for mental illness, for heartbreak. I know many of you out there who overcame your daddy issues (I'm proud of you), but so many of us don't. We carry that pain. I know I do. I have major trust issues, thanks to all the important men in my life causing me so much pain. Father, abandoned me. Step father, sexually abused me. Husband, committed suicide and left me to raise a 1 year old all on my own. So yeah, I have daddy issues... My father didn't love me (he claimed he did, but I know what love is. I know what true love looks like. And it wasn't anything remotely to what he gave me), and it messed me up. So please, be there for your kid. Be a good dad. You don't have to be perfect, but please try to be better for them. They're not going to be children forever, and they eventually realize who was there for them, and who was not.

Thank you for reading until the end.

Remember, some of us are so much stronger than we look. So don't judge a happy face and think that person lived a perfect life. Don't look a person who made some not so great decisions and think you could never have gone that path. You didn't live their life. You don't have their brain, their heart, their pain, their personality. Treat everyone with respect and kindness.

I want to thank everyone who has supported me, and loved me through this journey of opening up about what happened to me. Most of all, I want to thank my Brother. Who has shown me that he is the type of man I want to see in the world. A good man, who chooses right over wrong. A man who keeps his word. A man who could never intentionally hurt someone. An understanding man, who only shows respect and love for people. I love you Aaron, you are the most beautiful gift Richard ever gave this planet. And I thank God, the stars, the universe that Richard and mom made you. You are an incredible blessing to this world, and to me.

Have a great night everyone.

********************************************************************************************************

If you suspect child abuse, please report - https://www.childhelp.org/hotline/

1-800-4-A-CHILD or 1-800-422-4453

My Husband

 Dear Journal -

This month is "International Jazzy's Self Care Month" yup, you heard it here first journal! I created my own holiday! HA! my post before this I shared some crazy thoughts that I have had and I got a bunch of messages from people I never even expected paid any attention to anything I ever said, it felt nice to know that there are caring humans out there.  Last month was a really rough month for me, this past weekend I went on a hike by myself and was able to do some thinking and maybe a little bit of healing.  I usually feel that I heal best by the ocean, but since I don't live near the ocean, I went into the mountains and just walked and walked and walked.  

I once read a book called eat, pray, love and I wish I was a lucky girl with lots of money who could leave to India to find some sort of "Guru" who would give me the answers! but, since I'm not and in reality there are no answers, I just sit here and write and share.  My friend who is a therapist told me about a group she thought I should attend and I assured her I was not suicidal and then I told her why I was feeling down and why July had been rough and why August was usually rough for me each year.  I told her I had decided to get off of dating sites and just really focus on myself this month and take a break and just take care of myself.  A few of my friends decided that they wanted to partake in my self care month, so that's what I'm doing, so far things feel really good, I feel a sense of peace within.  

Today or in about two minutes, it will be August 5th.  Today would have been Ronald's 48th bday! Ronald was my first husband.  I have never really written much about him on my journal because I mainly write about my current stuff, but today as I thought about writing this journal entry in my car, I both laughed and cried thinking about Ronald! What can I say about my first husband? He was far from perfect this crazy bad boy! when we met, he was like 23 maybe? I will never forget the first time I saw him, I was at my parents house in Corona, Queens NYC and my cousin comes into the house and says, don't close the door my friend Ronald is coming in soon, so I was like ok I'll just open the front door for him (my cousin had walked in through our back door) I walk to the front and looked out the window and saw him and thought, what the fuck is up with my cousins friends hair? he wasn't my type so I didn't really pay him any mind.  Fast forward a few weeks or maybe months later, my cousin kept telling me how I should talk to him cause he liked me and I kept thinking, well, he's not really my type not really into him, but one night we all got drunk and I ended up hooking up with him, from that day on he became my man.  Back then, I was really really hoping to meet someone to "be my sons dad" because I felt that my kid needed to have a male figure in his life consistently, so I figured being a young inexperienced mom, that it would be a good idea to be with someone so that my son could be raised with a male and female role model.  My sons real dad, was struggling with drug addiction at the time and that is a whole other story, but basically as a young dad himself, he did not have his priorities straight.

Well, Ronald like I said was a bad boy! and when I say a bad boy I mean that for real! he grew up very poor in Venezuela and he had a very strong Spanish accent, he never had a dad and he was was extremely close to his mom.  He was very very handsome and when he walked into a room, he definitely caught the women's attention.  I loved him, but I can honestly say I was never in love with him.  I loved him because he helped me to get over the fear that I had of my ex or babies daddy, who at the time was really scary and since he was well known in NYC and everybody in our social circle knew my babies daddy because he was a graffiti artist, I was sort of like forbidden fruit and no one really wanted to date me because "you don't date Dev's baby mom" there is a lot more to it all, but basically Ronald was from a different "group" I guess for a lack of better term, so he didn't give a shit about who my baby daddy was and he wasn't going to let anyone fuck with his woman! 

Ronald and I had really fun times, today as I was thinking about him, I remembered a time when it was raining really really bad! I was looking out the window and everything was flooding, so I looked at him and I was like "let's go outside and get wet" so what did we do? we ran outside and started running around getting soaked! I have that memory very vivid in my mind! we laughed and ran and acted like two kids, I mean we practically were kids! Ronald was an AMAZING salsa dancer, back then, I wasn't really into salsa music, I mean I've never really been big on salsa music but I know it and I liked it, but I did not love it, he LOVED IT! I was more into the hip hop culture so I never really went out to Latin clubs, but when I started dating him, he pretty much made me into a Latin culture girl, I have to admit that it was fun getting out of the scene where I was "forbidden fruit" and I could be with other Colombians as I never really knew very many other than my family.  We literally went out every weekend and partied like rock stars, but Ronald would pressure me to dance and if I didn't dance my best, he would get really pissed off at me.  We showed off our moves and people stared, it was both flattering and a little uncomfortable for me, because the real dancer in that relationship was him, he was really really good!

Ronald moved in with me fairly quickly and I told him we should get married as he did not have legal status in the US and we lived together so we might as well get married! the day we were to be married by law, I sat in the car crying to my best friend when he went to buy film for our camera, because I wasn't marrying the man I really loved, my babies daddy! The relationship I had with Ronald was really tough, like I said, I was very young and very inexperienced, Ronald definitely had more experiences especially sexual, so with him I learned a lot about sex and he made me feel comfortable in my own skin, he loved me I know that he did, but he was also young and handsome and women and girls liked him.  His first love was a woman about 15 years older than he was and this woman had really impacted his life, I was SO JEALOUS of this older woman! her name was not allowed to be said anywhere near me! I think while I was with him, he probably saw her occasionally but I never really knew what type of things he did behind my back.  This man did stuff to me that I will never allow anyone to ever ever do to me again! he would not come home at night, sometimes for days, life with him was pretty hard! he would always tell me that he knew I didn't love him and he knew who I really loved and he was right, I still loved my sons father and it was hard for me, because I was sort of living a lie.  

Ronald wasn't a bad man, Ronald was just a young man, an inexperienced man, but he had a big heart and he loved his pit bulls! he taught me about them, he used to breed them and it was fun having puppies all the time, he meant well and he wanted to take care of his woman no matter what he had to do to take care of me.  One day I told him that he had never even proposed to me or given me an engagement ring, so that Valentine's day, he figured out a way to buy me an engagement ring and he went down on one knee and proposed to me, even though we were already married.  His family loved me, his mom was one of the best moms I've ever met! when he and I walked into a room together, people looked at us because we looked like we belonged together, we made a good looking couple.  Ronald could be romantic and special if he wanted too, we could have laughs but he could also break my heart into a million pieces.  We lasted about close to 3 years and finally we broke up for good.  About a year after our divorce was finalized, Ronald died of a drug overdose, his drug of choice was cocaine. 

Drugs, have always some way some how affected my life.  When I went to his funeral, and his sister saw me walk in, she started screaming at me and blaming me for his death, she told me that had I not divorced her brother, he would still be alive.  I remember looking down at him in his coffin thinking, wake up please, wake up! he looked so peaceful! every year on August 5th, I remember that it's his bday in heaven, I cannot remember what day or year he died.  He had a son before he passed and I was his only wife.  His mom told me in the funeral, that I was the only woman he had ever truly loved.  I don't know what truth there was to that, but I do know I broke his heart pretty bad.  However, about two weeks before he died, he had stopped by my house and came to my room and hugged me and said "Jazz, you don't love me anymore, we don't ever talk" Ronald had forgiven me and I him for all that we had been through and we were friends, sometimes when I was down I would call him and ask him for advice, Ronald was my friend! 

Whenever someone breaks my heart, I want to call him so bad and tell him all about it, because I know he would defend me from everyone! Ronald was man's man, and he was a fucking bad ass! he got respect wherever he stood, he was funny and kind and loving! I miss him dearly!

HAPPY BDAY IN HEAVEN! 

I will leave you with, Ronald's favorite song and his picture.  This picture is of him, his dog and my son, he loved my son as his own for the short time we were together.

Hector Lavoe - El Cantante