This lovely snow with my baby!

 Dear Journal -

The other day, I was asked out on a date and I MADE myself go! my now ex friend D, ex friend because he blocked me and is no longer talking to me; kept pressuring me saying that I needed to go out and meet new people.  His words, you need to be under so you can get over it! Well, we got into this argument and I called him a man whore and then he said I thought I knew everything and I was just like fuck this! so I unfriended him on snapchat and the only reason why I did was because I thought to myself that it was best not to talk to him all day every day as he was becoming my boyfriend that I didn't have sex with! Who the fuck needs that? He and I met last summer and we were intimate not even a handful of times and then we just became friends, he started telling me about all his "women" and I would tell him my stuff and he was there for me a lot of times, when I was sad, when I was happy, when I needed someone to vent too.  He told me all these things about women and I don't know, to me it's like ok you're a dude but that doesn't mean you have to sleep with everything that moves! His life is his and maybe I shouldn't have judged him and called him a man whore, but we had been getting into a lot of useless arguments so my thought was, if we don't snapchat, we won't talk as much.  Well, the next day I went to send him a message about something legit and realized I hade been taken off and blocked on everything by him! OUCH! Regardless of all of that, I ended up deciding to go on a date, because I kept telling myself why not? what do I have to loose? 

Ok, first let me just say that I NEVER care about going on dates, for as long as I remember I can't remember a time when I got excited or dressed up or did anything special to go meet a man for the first time when I've met them on a dating site.  However, last Saturday I talked myself into getting excited about some dude that had asked me out to dinner (I also never like to go to dinner) but I said yes and he even offered to pick me up, but since I recently watched the Ted Bundy tapes on Netflix, there was no way in hell I was going to get in a car with a man I didn't know! (that documentary fucked my head up more on that in another post!).  On Saturday afternoon I even went to Macy's and bought myself a new blouse because I wanted to get all dressed up and feel pretty for my date! So....... Fast forward to 7p.m. I'm all dressed up even wore stiletto heels! Side note, I don't ever wear stiletto's anymore because of my foot injury but I was like I don't care I'm going to look HOT! I felt really good and got in my car and started driving toward the restaurant where I was going to meet my date..........

Then it happened journal....... I started balling! I couldn't stop crying thinking..... why the fuck is this happening to me? I wasn't supposed to be on a date, I was supposed to be married right now and I cried and cried thinking about my ex! I felt so heartbroken! When I got close to the restaurant I got myself together, make up all over my face, but homeboy I was going to meet wasn't there yet so I had time to freshen up.  When we finally met I thought he was really handsome we went in sat down ate a good dinner (I made sure to not talk with my mouth full) as someone had pointed out to me that I do that! no one had ever mentioned that to me and I was grateful that he did because hey..... I always want to be better and mind my manners and have some type of etiquette! 

Homeboy and I had a great dinner great conversation it went well, I even gave him a good night kiss! with tongue! OH MY! I went on my merry way and decided on my ride back home that I would not be seeing him ever again! When I got home I had a message saying how great I was and beautiful and he would love to see me again bla bla bla and I said thanks it was fun and left it at that.  The next morning I got the dreaded good morning text, which my friend makes fun of me for because I HATE those! If I'm seeing someone and like them I want to be showered with good morning and good night txts., but when I just met you, it irks me! I know, I'm weird! when I finally responded I let him know that it was nice meeting him but I was not ready to "be out there yet." 

Fast forward to Sunday night.  I started thinking about why people block other people on their phones social media whatever and I decided that I do it when I get into a situation that I CAN'T HANDLE emotionally I can't deal with it, I do it for me, it doesn't really have to do with the person I'm blocking, to me it feels like; if I block you, then I don't have access to you and I will be less likely to snoop or try to find something out or reach out to the person or whatever! so that same night, I decided that I was going to unblock a bunch of people I had blocked in the past that I felt that didn't affect me anymore, in other words, unblocking someone because what they do no longer concerns me and I'm likely not going to feel the urge to reach out to them or any of that.  In other words, those people are people I knew but no longer communicate with and it's ok, I've dealt with it and feel ok about it. 

When I started to unblock people, there he was, my ex and journal, let me tell you that the first thing I did when I unblocked him was to well....SNOOP! It was this incredible urge to see what he is up to, where are you? who are you with? why don't you talk to me? why aren't we married? I started going through his pictures and noticed that the picture of him and the woman he was with after me was gone and guess who's picture was still there... ours, his and mine one of the first pictures he and I took together in the snow and the caption read.... "This lovely snow with my baby." I started balling! and then I started snooping determined to find out what the fuck is going on with him because for a few months now I've had this feeling this premonition that something isn't right with him, that something is wrong, I have felt for months that he isn't ok! so I couldn't control myself and finally found someone I knew would be honest with me about his whereabouts, so I reached out to this person half afraid they wouldn't get back to me and two days later, there it was, the response!

I found out that my love nearly died and that he was not well at all! I found out that he isn't him anymore, that he isn't the person I once knew, I found out that while he was almost in a comma he kept calling out my name and telling me he loved me, I found out that he kept saying that I left him for another man, I found out that his whole family hates me because I left him when he needed me most! Journal, that is so far from the truth! He left me! had I known what was happening to him deep in his heart or that life was becoming overwhelming to him I would have NEVER left his side! I loved him more than anything! I had to make decisions that were really hard but we had a plan! He was suppose to come to me and we were going to get married, buy a house, get a dog and travel the world together! we had PLANS! he left ME! so when I heard all of this I was completely devastated and been so since. 

This is all I can think about for the last few days! I just want to get on a plane to Oregon and hold him tight and tell him everything is going to be ok! tell him I'm there! tell him I'll never leave his side again! I'm so heartbroken journal! I do feel like I left him when he needed me the most, but I had no idea what he was doing, I would never leave the person I love when they need me, on the contrary, I will ALWAYS be there for the ones I love! so to think that a whole bunch of people hate me without knowing the truth, is really hurtful.  The person that told me all of this is someone I trust and know wouldn't make this up, we cried together while they were telling me this sad horrible news.  

I am so glad he is alive, because if the news would have been otherwise, I don't know that I would of been able to handle it, it's just too much to bare! I reached out to a family member and never heard back.  Don't they know there is two sides to every story? If you are my friend, please don't ever say things to me like.... You ducked a bullet! when people say these things to me it really hurts me because only he and I know our story.  He isn't a bad man, he's just a man going through trials a tribulations, he's just a man who is still learning and growing, he's a young man that is still figuring life out.  Don't judge him! don't tell me I ducked a bullet! He made me happy and we had problems like everybody else end of story! He's not bad, I'm not bad and like my oldest son said to me and my oldest son got to know him, he said mom, I'm so sorry! He's a good guy! coming from my son, that meant the world to me and I don't care what anyone else thinks or says, there are two sides to every story..........

I will leave  you with......This lovely snow with my baby!

A day in the life of Jazzy Belle!

 Dear Journal -

Today was a long day! I was in court most of the day (for work) and that is always very draining! non the less, I made myself go to my boxing class because I had all this bottled up anger inside of me that I needed to release and honestly after I left there I felt so much better! I enjoy boxing and feel like I'm definitely learning some moves and that's super cool! 

Once I got home I realized that I had not eaten so I ate gold fish and M&M's that I had in a drawer because I had bought them for my granddaughter but we had forgotten that we bought them and I was saving them for her but they looked so good that I ate half the bag! FML! this is why I #fail at diets! not that I'm in a diet really, but lately I have been trying to eat healthier.  Since I came back to CO from OR I have lost a total of 22 pounds, that's insane! I don't even know how I had all that weight on me but my old cloths is starting to fit and it feels amazing! I have been working so hard on getting fit again, and when I put on a pair of pants that all of a sudden feels bigger on me the sense of accomplishment is so overwhelming.  At my age it is way harder to loose weight and when I was younger it was so easy.  I mean I've been working out consistently since my late 20's and I was fit throughout my 30's then in my 40's I started to gain weight and it was mainly because I had an injury and couldn't continue to run which is what I loved so much! 

This summer I have a lot of plans so I've been trying to get fit as I want to hike and do another 2 or 3 14'ers and the once that I haven't done (there are 58) are harder than the once I did last summer.  I don't intend on doing all 58 but I mean I do want to do a few, it's so fun to just get to the top of a mountain that is 14 thousand feet above sea level that the thought of it makes me super excited! I have been hiking more so that I can prepare myself for this and I have been able to take shorter times doing the hike I typically do which is about 3 miles total but it's a climb! and the other day I got to the top without having lost my breath and I was like HOLY SHIT!!!! this is amazing! I just feel really good because I had lost my hope about loosing weight like I had been struggling for so many years that I was like, ugh, I don't want to try anymore and also, the pain on my foot always brought me down.  Being with my ex didn't help the matter, he didn't care how I looked, he always told me I was beautiful no matter what and whenever he would see me do my little work out YouTube videos in our bedroom he would always encourage me and say "good job baby!" he wasn't really the work out type so he and I never did stuff like that together, but I didn't really care.  I feel like I'm the type of partner that doesn't need someone to have all my interest or that I need to do everything with, I don't know, like I like my alone hikes so if I met someone that wasn't like we need to go hiking every week, I think I would be totally cool with it.

Speaking of my ex, so I have been getting weird text messages from weird numbers it has happened twice and it really messes with my head because I think it's him.  I don't know maybe I'm wishful thinking because I would really like to talk to him and see how he is doing but I don't know that will happen anytime soon so whatever.  

The other day I told someone that I know the love of my life is "out there" and today when I was thinking about that further I realized that I don't really believe that and that I tell myself that not to feel bad about the fact that at my age I don't know that I can say I had a "love of my life" and sure that's sort of cliché but who cares.  Sometimes I feel like society has all these expectations about what a "good life" should look like and it's all bullshit.  The truth of my life is that love has always been just like a bigger burden than something good, the more I talk to people that are in serious relationships the more I'm like UGH! gross! like I don't know I'm often conflicted about being in a serious relationship and never know what I want.  

Anyway, the reason why I'm writing this is because I told someone I wanted to "be with him" but I think what I really meant was that I wanted to be able to trust him, to feel secure like we were only seeing each other and not other people. When I think of relationships I feel like his definition of relationship is different than mine.  I am at a point in my life that I don't care too much to be close to someone else's family I mean at least not initially I think those things take time, I also don't think about it like I need to be with someone 24/7 I like doing things on my own and I enjoy my life.  I don't know the word relationship makes people really scared.  I guess I don't take life so serious where like being with someone is that big of a deal to me, what I mean with that, is that to me is not so much about the word is more about who we are to each other.  If we feel this closeness to someone and two people decide that they are happy just with each other and don't need more people to fulfill them.  

Anyway, this person turned out to be a liar and fake and so deceitful and honestly it didn't surprise me in the end because I always had this feeling like there was something he hid, like there was more to him that he was hiding and it was just always this uneasy feeling about this person.  I felt really sad that I was trying to start out for the first time ever it feels like, to trust at the beginning and only not trust when someone gave me a reason not to.  When I started feeling like I may want more with him, I was honest about it and asked him how he saw us, I trusted this person so much! I wanted to build a friendship that was based on trust because if anything came out this "thing" that we shared I didn't want to start out in a negative way where I would automatically not trust someone that I didn't even know.  However, in the end he turned out to be just that, a liar.  I don't know, it's almost as if no matter how hard you try to believe in people, people just constantly let you down and it is such a bummer.  Why is it so hard for people to be sincere and genuine? I was so honest and so real with this person from the start and I think that's what hurt the most.  I feel so deceived and hurt by this, I mean I'm starting to feel a little better about it because I keep thinking that it isn't worth putting so much energy into this negative feeling of being down about someone that did not even value me as a person, so I've been working on trying not to think about it, but it still sucks a whole lot.

So journal, I guess that's my week so far in a nut shell! I want to start writing about different topics and also start posting more things on my FB Jazzy's Journal page so I can attract more followers.  I am also going to start writing the first chapter of my book, I am starting this weekend and I have an idea of at least how to start.  I have been talking about writing a book for so long that I think it is time to at least start it, I know it will take me a long time so I have given myself about 5 years, I hope to accomplish it before then, but I want to give myself years as the stuff I am going to write about will be really hard.

Without anything else to report, I will leave you with.....Jazzy Belle by Outkast

Tell me lies!

 How are thou Journal!

I've been thinking much about you in hopes of telling you lots and lots of wonderful stories but I'm afraid that my life simply isn't that marvelous! Let's see! since last I poured words on to you, there haven't been many things to report.  I have been living vicariously through my son who is currently traveling all over Europe and will continue to do so for the next few months! OH! how I wish that were me! just up and go with a bag and travel all over the world! I used to always say that had I've been a man, I would likely be a wonderer sort of like the Winchester brothers or Hulk! just going from city to city finding new adventures, meeting new people and having new romances with all the beautiful women who would give me the time of day.  But, I often talk to my son and when we talk he seems to be sad, like these travels don't fulfill him, so I often wonder are we (us humans) just never satisfied? it doesn't see so, I mean sure there are those few souls that are I won't say that there aren't the few genuinely happy people, but I do feel that in general for the most part we always seek more.

When I was with my ex I once told him that I always felt like there was something missing, like all the time, I often felt that there was some emptiness within me that no matter what I did it often lingered.  He never could understand my true crazy, I know that he would try, but now thinking back I feel that the void I felt and still feel, is that of there is someone out there that I need to meet and some way some how this other human in some magical way will fill this void I have had in my soul for so long! OR is this void I've felt for so long simply called depression? I don't know yet, I am still working on me on discovering what is happening to me and how can I continue moving forward without completely loosing my wits! 

I went to Nebraska this past weekend! I had a lovely time with one of my closest friends from NYC, she currently lives in NE and it was so great to see her and for our daughters to meet.  While they are both completely different they got along really well and this really pleased me.  On my way back from Nebraska I began to feel really really sad, I don't quite know why or maybe deep in my heart I do, but I'm not sure that I am ready to share why so openly.  I did talk to my therapist about it today and she gave me some validation which made me feel so much better! that woman is amazing, I feel lucky to have such an amazing professional helping me through this difficult time where I don't even understand why it's so difficult! if you don't have a therapist you should get one at once!

Lastly, I was talking to my friend Lee and he was again telling me about the woman he has been seeing and all the crazy going on in his life with this woman and I just totally lost my shit and started going off about how some women where so ungrateful and how she didn't even know what she has and I almost wanted to call her and be like bitch.... are you fucking kidding me??? this woman is almost 10 years older than my friend and it blows my mind how she plays all sorts of games with his mind! like hey, if you don't want what he wants then stop leading my friend on and let him go because guess  what, there are over a million women in NYC that would do ANYTHING for a man like him! I mean yes she doesn't know him like I do so obviously it's different, but I get so mad sometimes at how some women have the opportunity to have this great guy in their life and they don't appreciate it, and yet here I am I barely ask for much and I can't even find someone to be genuine with me about their intentions! UGH! makes my blood boil! Anyway, at one point I told him the least she could do is tell him a little white lie so he could at least get some closure.  Yes, sometimes it's better to tell me lies I feel like, because if they are told in order to not hurt me, then sure, I'll take them! tell me sweet little lies because you appreciate me as a human and don't want to hurt my feelings!

I also went on a date! OMG! after the date I deleted Tinder! I just can't! I do not want to invest time in anyone but myself! I go and meet this 40 year old man for a beer and he tells me that him and his significant other broke up a few months ago and they still work together! OH GREAT! I would LOVE to be your rebound! ugh! I mean we had a nice time talking but to be quite honest the moment I saw him I knew that I would not go past this date, I am very shallow yes! I HAVE to feel attracted to someone to keep hanging out with them, that's just a fact! so yea, we had a pleasant time.  He is a photographer and he messages me the next day and asks me if I would feel comfortable doing a nude photo shoot and he would pay me! What the actual fuck! I told him I was flattered but no thank you! I swear journal these things literally only happen to me! fuck meeting people I need to work on me, I can't deal with "getting to know" anyone right now! honestly fuck people, that's just how I'm feeling right now! bitter much Jazzy???

I will leave you with - Little Lies by Fleetwood Mac