Actions or words?

 Dear Journal -

I've written about 3 journals and saved them as drafts, I did so, because I'm not sure what I want to share on the world wide web! One day many years ago, someone told me that he had found out something I did on my journal and that it had hurt his feelings.  When he told me that I felt horrible, I don't ever intentionally write anything on here to hurt anyone, I'm simply sharing the truth of my life events.  My son asked me if I had his whole biography on my journal and I was like, I barely even write about my kids.  I write this journal because I am not afraid of sharing, but again, sometimes I'm afraid of sharing because I don't know who gets on these pages and is curious and or just feels like being supportive of my writing or whatever the case may be.  

I have been feeling really confused as of late.  I feel confused because I often wonder if I'm truly over my most current ex.  The other day, I asked a friend if he thought I was still hung up on my ex and he told me that I just had a lot of emotions about it still and I was just healing.  He said that I should always try to think about the good things about the relationship.  I liked that he said that to me, but at the same time, I don't know that I agree with thinking about the positive things, because when I do think about the positive things, it just makes me sad.  Still, I thought his advice was really nice and because I like him and respect his opinions, I thought I would give that a try.  So, the next night I laid in bed and started to think about all the things that I could think of that were positive and I practically cried myself to sleep.  I realized that even though there were a lot of positives, there were probably more negatives.  I also realized that I need to let go of both positive and negatives and just really be done with it all.  

Last year at this time I was a serious HOT MESS! I was feeling the craziest I had felt in a long time! this year however, things are so much better! I feel happier than I have in such a long time or maybe I should say, I feel more complete, more like myself.  I have really good people in my life right now and I am feeling happier in Colorado than I did when I first came back, I don't really miss Oregon anymore, I mean sure I miss the beach and the people, but I don't feel that yearning that I did when I first got back.  Oregon will always hold a very special place in my heart, but for now, I have come to terms with the fact that Colorado is where I belong and where I need to be, I'm ok with that!

The dating world has all but died to me, I don't really go on dates anymore, I don't really talk to anyone on the site I'm on, I just have no interest in doing so.  I've stayed on the site just because part of me really wants to find things to write about, I also want to get more followers on my FB page, which is where I post this journal on, but other than that, no one has really captured my attention, men are so lame sometimes.  Men love to talk talk talk and I don't want words, I want actions! to me, actions speak louder than words, so I always pay attention to peoples actions because those are the things that really matter! I have always been the type of person that if I say something even if sometimes it may seem a little ridiculous, I will follow through with it, for my word is truly my bond no matter how small, the point is that if I say it, I try my hardest to do it! 

When my ex and I first met, we had been together maybe I don't know a month or so, I remember him telling me that his goal was to move to Oregon one day, when he said that, I was like..... I'll go with you! well, two years later I made his goal happen, my ex is in Oregon thanks to me! I made his goal a reality because he legitimately just sat there and did nothing to fulfill his goal.  When I set out to do something, I do it! end of story! so, I pay attention to actions, because people can say whatever they want, it doesn't mean shit if they don't back their words with actions.  So I'm pretty over talking to a bunch of people that love to talk and do absolutely nothing to back their words!

I have written in the past about how my word is my bond, I think that it's so important that you are known for being truthful, for being real, for meaning what you say, for being genuine, sincere and humble.  I try to be these things as much as I can, of course I'm human and not perfect at all, but I will go down trying!

It's late on Saturday night, why am I writing and not at the bar dancing the night away? No idea!

I'll leave you with........Last Dance by Donna Summer.... 

love this song!

Hey there lonely boy........

 Dear Journal -

I've been walking and sort of running very very little lately, my foot feels good and I just want to run, run and then run some more! It feels amazing, but I'm really scared, I don't wan to hurt my foot again.

I wanted to put this on here because the other day I was thinking about myself when I was my daughters age, and how all I wanted to do was sing and dance! My parents had bought me my first vinyl record and I knew every single song from Stacy Lattisaw's record.  When I went on my walk I played the songs on youtube and I still remembered all the lyrics to each song, so as I was walking I was singing and it felt AMAZING!

This was one of my favorites - Hey there lonely boy

Karma

 “Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a harder battle.”
~ Plato

Dear Journal -

Sometimes when I get really angry and start wishing bad things upon the person or people that have hurt me, I have to take deep breaths and remind myself to stop! to not allow those terrible thoughts and feelings that are entering my heart and mind to continue.  I have to remind myself that those thoughts do not serve me! It is SO HARD to let go of the anger that is caused by the pain someone caused you! Today I had one of those moments and quite frankly, I brought it upon myself.  I feel that for the most part I have moved on from my most recent ex.  I don't cry myself to sleep anymore, I don't want answers to any questions, I don't care what he is doing with his life, I have zero desire to talk to him, and barely think about him anymore.  But then there are things that have to be asked because there is value to it, so I made the mistake today to ask and maybe I should of asked him directly, but I didn't because I must of done something terrible to him that he refuses to talk to me. Like dude, no one wants to have conversations with you, I just want what belongs to me! 

After my anger subsided and I felt like I had just wasted an hour of emotion on this individual, I remembered something that I can PROMISE anyone that ever comes across this post that it is the truest thing in life! and that thing is called KARMA! when I talk about Karma I'm not using that as a way to wish bad upon anyone, I simply say Karma is real because I am no angel and I've done things I'm not proud of in my life, but there have been some moments in my life when something has been done to me and all of a sudden I'm like...... WOW, that was Karma! I believe that the wrong we do here, we pay for here.  It wasn't until a few years ago that I started recognizing these things that were happening in my life, that felt like I was paying back for something. When I started to pay attention to these things, I became more mindful of how I treated others, I started to be mindful and to remember that I don't know what others are going through and that it isn't always about me.  

I truly believe that lately my life is really good! I feel happy for the first time in a very long time and I can honestly say, that I have nothing to complain about, and if I do, it's only because I can be ungrateful sometimes! So, I don't want to wish bad upon anyone, especially those that took part in my personal life.  Instead, I want to put this stuff on here my journal, to remind myself that no matter what wrong has been done to me, it's probably not even about me.  Only the person who does you wrong, truly will ever know why! and sometimes, they don't even know it themselves.  I'm not sure what the point of this journal entry is about, I came on here to write about one thing, but as I started to write, all these things just flooded my thoughts.  

Nothing much else to report journal.  There are some moments I want to keep to myself because they are too good to share and they are so private and intimate, that I just want to keep them in my memory.  

I will leave you with:

Outstanding - The Gap Band

When was the last time you got FUC&#D?

 Dear Journal -

I want to dedicate this journal entry to all the assholes that think they can disrespect a woman on the internet simply because they are cowards sitting behind their phones or computers and finally have the courage to talk to a woman! I have been on the online dating scene now for YEARS.  The first time I was on dating sites was probably in 2009 when I was first separated from my ex husband.  Back then, It was fairly new and I remember I looked into writing a research paper on online dating, because I definitely felt that meeting people on line could definitely take a toll on someone.  Back then, after telling a number of people off without ever using a curse word, I had finally learned how to navigate online dating and then I literally started using it to just solicit people to read my blog.  For a while, I was very active and when I mean active I mean I was on a bunch of sites and while I did meet some people some who till this day I'm really good friends with, I never really found love on them.

Fast forward to now and nothing has changed and there are still those men that think that simply because they aren't in my face, they can say whatever they want! I WISH THEY WOULD BE IN MY FACE! so, the other day while I was in NY I matched with this one man (by the way I swipe right on EVERYONE!) yes journal, the dating sites are now my new playground as I genuinely have no interest in meeting new people and sure maybe someone will come on my blog and think, this bitch! using dating sites to solicit, but hey, why not? I'm not asking anyone to buy anything, maybe the asshole who sent me the message I'm about to tell you about will come across this page and I don't know, realize that he will likely never get laid approaching women that way? Now, don't get me wrong, if for some miraculous reason some one blows my mind on a dating site, sure, I'll meet up for coffee or something, but right now my focus is not on finding love because in my experience, when you are "looking" for something, it never really goes down that way.  Maybe one day I will go to a store to buy some cold cuts and fall in love! that's how I met my ex and while writing that last sentence made me feel really sad and now I'm tearing up, that is the story of him and I and then well, the rest is history! before I tell you what happened, I do want to point out that these experiences of disrespectful men are not only exclusive to men on the East coast, it's like that in CO and also while I was in OR and was on dating sites same crappy experiences, however, the way men approach women in different places is a bit different, I have definitely noticed that.

So, back to the asshole! my message read.... when was the last time you got fucked? UGH! my blood begins to boil when I see a message like that, but lately I've been feeling pretty good and decided to be on the nicer side, so my response was that I had sex that morning with my lover and too bad he couldn't be there! ok, first off, why in the world would I tell some stranger my personal sex life? second, what would make him think that opening up a message like that would make me feel any type of way other than grossed out? I wonder if he would have the balls to go up to a woman in a bar and be like.... hey, when was the last time you got fucked? can you imagine? so, here is my thing, if you want to get laid why not be nice? why not ask someone how they are doing? why not open up with how are you how is your day going? or whatever, anything nice that isn't disrespectful to women! like what type of douche bag does that? I've also gotten messages saying..... Hey you like to swallow? ugh! I swear writing these things on here make me so angry! what if a man says that to my daughter my granddaughter my mom or my sister or niece? what if someone says that to that person's sister or mother or daughter or any woman in their lives? I just feel that people think they can get away with saying whatever they want because they are behind a phone.  I guarantee you that unless you are messaging some desperate lonely soul (which that is so sad) you will NOT get laid ever! Those are the types of things that really discourage me from taking people on dating sites any type of serious, it can be really depressing to see those things.  When I first got back on dating sites this time around right after my break up, I cried a few times reading disrespectful messages.  I remember thinking, wow, this is what I have to look forward to from now on and I remember also hating my ex so much in those moments, because in my mind, I thought I was going to get married and NEVER have to talk to strange men on the internet again.  I don't feel sad about messages anymore, I'm definitely in a different place, but that doesn't mean that I'm totally ok with those types of messages and depending on the day, someone may just get told off!

In other Jazzy news, I felt really really really sad on Monday when I got back to Colorado from NYC.  Literally when the plane landed I felt extremely sad, I even cried.  The next day I had a rough day at work and I was just feeling super down, I cried so much because I just feel sometimes that I don't know what I want or where I should be going, almost as if I have no direction in life and I am not sure why I am feeling this way.  I think it's time I talk to a therapist again, therapy is SO GOOD FOR OUR MENTAL HEALTH! any who, after I had my little pity party for a day and a half, I felt much better and decided that I will likely stay in CO for a very very very long time, because I just can't imagine leaving my granddaughter, who is actually sitting right next to me as I'm writing this journal entry! I can't leave her, she's so precious and one of the reasons why I came back to Colorado to begin with.  So, I will be visiting NYC more often.  I realized that it isn't the actual city that I miss, although I do miss that too sometimes, but mainly it's my family and friends that fill my heart with joy when I am around them.  I guess they aren't so bad after all! I got to spend time with my cousins 15 year old son who is so lovely! I love that kid! we talked about all types of things and I felt like I learned a few things from him! I just love my family!

I have been listening to a lot of salsa lately, I think it's because the night before I was coming back to Colorado, my cousin and I were going to go to a salsa club but when we got there it was still closed as NYC didn't allow club openings until June 1st., such is my luck! no salsa for Jazzy! I am a good dancer I was looking forward to it, but it's all good! I will be back!

I leave you with...... Un amante como yo - La suprema Corte Orquesta

Just in Case!

 

Dear Journal

I’m currently on a flight to NYC for the weekend. I feel so happy to be going home as I have been thinking about what I want lately and how it would be to move back. Part of me can’t imagine it, leaving CO would mean leaving my son and granddaughter behind and I don’t know, that thought is getting harder and harder to wrap my head around.

The captain just announced that we are about to land and all of a sudden I felt this happiness that I can never describe! It’s like this deep feeling of joy that only being home or when I visit Colombia my native land I experience. The guy next to me is sitting by the window and the window shade is down, this really annoys me because I LOVE the skyline of my beautiful city! I can never get tired of looking at the city that never sleeps from up above!

Anyway, before I got on my flight I thought about how nervous being on a plan makes me, I remember when I was younger flying was nothing to me, I’ve traveled a significant amount in my life time, and while I’m used to being on a plane and realize that flying is relatively safe, the fact still remains that I am 30 thousand feet in the air, and just the thought of that scares me half to death!

So, often when I fly I think about my life, my past, my future, my present and I reflect so that is exactly what I’m doing on this flight, I’m reflecting. Someone once told me, and by someone I mean Benjamin Nunez (that’s not his real name) that whenever he flew, he always thought about what he would say to people “just in case” I’ll never forget that moment because I remember thinking, what do you want to say to me? When he texted that to me I also remember thinking, oh my God, is he going to tell me something? is he going to tell me he has feelings for me? it felt as if there was something that he wanted to tell me, and then he didn’t say much at all. Now, when I think back at how he played with my mind and my heart, I can’t help but to wonder what this man's motive was, and why it was that I was I don’t know his target? Regardless of it all, he definitely had a big impact in my life so I guess I’m grateful for that.

So, what would I say to people should this be my last journal entry? Who would I say it to and why? Thinking about that the first and main thing that came to mind were my 3 amazing children! My how much I love them so deeply! They have been my reason for living! They are my life, my everything! The other day my friend told me that the first time he held his son he couldn’t believe there could be that much love for someone, and I could definitely relate, it was so nice to talk to someone that understood the love of one's kids, it is truly what true love feels like! There is no truer love!

So, should this be my last journal entry and they find my phone in the rubble of this plane, this is what I want to say to them.  My loves, I believe in the three of you, you all can and you all will accomplish anything you want in life if you work hard for it! I’m sorry if I ever did anything at all to hurt you in any type of way, you are my biggest accomplishment in life and no matter if I have nothing else to show for my life’s work, you three are it! You have made me want to be better, you help me work hard because having you three is my reason and no matter where my soul should go when I’m gone from this world, if I’m able to, I will always watch over you..... my true and only loves!

My angel gave me 3 amazing loves! thank you Angel!

A New Day Has Come - Celine Dion