Dear Journal, I wrote the blog post below on my flight to Miami on Friday, January 21st. I always write a post on my flights when I'm going somewhere! anyway, I let my daughter read it after I wrote it and she was not too happy about my ending, because she said I was "jinxing the flight" I told her that you have to take chances and write things to make things exciting! I also know I will die an old lady on my bed and by old I mean nearing my 100 years old! So I'm not tripping!
I got off the tinder app, I was starting to feel overwhelmed and truly depressed by talking to a bunch of random dudes that are all looking for the same thing, it felt like I was talking to the same man over and over again no matter what the age was! I felt like I needed a break to be honest, I've been hustling trying to get FB page likes for a while and it feels like a lot of work, and I've matched with over a thousand men and the most depressing part about the whole thing was that not even ONE caught my attention in any meaningful way! like I said, it felt like I was talking to the same man over and over again! I need a break but I shall return eventually! without further a do.... below is my blog post.
Dear Journal -
A few months ago we were doing a class for youth regarding gun violence. As part of the class, we had different people present specifically about their experiences with gun violence and one of the individuals talked about his jail time and how that had changed him forever. This individual had been in and out of jail and then prison from the time he was 13 or so, at present he is in his late 30’s and finally decided that he wanted to turn his life around. While he was talking about his experiences he said that when he is gone from this world, he wants to leave it better not worse and so he had decided to change “his dash.”
I’ve heard this expression before, the expression “what will be your dash.” The dash refers to your life, when we die, our tomb stone typically has date of birth a dash and date of death. The dash are all the years in between, our lives.
When I was very young I feared death tremendously, the thought of it was terrifying! I was even more fearful about it when my kids were small because I would always think, if I left them now, who would care for them and love them the way that I do! As my kids have gotten older, my fear has also lessened, mainly because I don’t fear leaving them anymore, meaning they can all pretty much care for themselves at the very least able to specify their basic needs.
But, what is my dash? How would I describe myself if I were in a room full of people talking about Jazzy! Who am I? Some days I know exactly who I am, what I want and where I want to be, and others…. No clue! Why is it so hard for one to make decisions, is it just me? Am I the only human that struggles back and forth about so many different things. I try to live as present as possible and try and catch myself when I find my mind drifting to a distant future I know nothing about, sometimes I feel reckless and uncaring, other I feel centered, loving and caring. It’s so hard to really sum my life up in one blog post, but one thing I can say about my dash is this….
For the most part I’ve lived pretty fearlessly, I’ve lived my life the best that I can. I’ve been through so much and have learned so much in the process, I believe that growth is a never ending thing and that everyone who crosses your path has a reason why they crossed it! This can be friends, lovers and anyone you sit next to somewhere one day randomly and have some sort of meaningful conversation with, you can also learn from. I hate people for the most part but love them even more! Everyone is living an internal struggle! Even those that look like they have it all put together there is some shit going on inside them they just know how to play it off right!
I’ve lived in different states and even a different country and humans are fundamentally the same. Everyone wants to be acknowledged, respected and loved! Life is really hard but there are always memorable moments that make it so worth living!
So, what is my dash? Thus far, my dash is that if I die today during this landing in Miami, I’ve lived and loved with so much fear but non at all! I give my all and always try to do my best…. That’s all I have for you journal! I hope that when the day comes where someone is readying what they wrote about me, and about my dash, they will find fun, funny and happy memories about my dash!
I leave you with..... Stevie Wonder - I just called to say I love you....
Just when you think you are free and the pain is gone, you wake up one morning looking at your phone wondering when that message will come! at this point I don't even know what I want the message to say, but I just wonder if it will ever come at all. I then try to understand why after all this time, I'm still waiting for something like magical to happen or like some I don't know event that will change it all and yet it doesn't happen, nothing has happened, nothing will happen because he's my past and I need to let it go!
Last night I was reminded of the true events of my last relationship, I was reminded that I didn't do anything wrong and that I didn't have anything to regret, that I had done the right thing! I think I am stuck in this place called first impressions! When we meet someone for the first time in any sort of capacity in our lives, our machines also known as our brains, start to look for other things that are like this person in front of us so that it can make sense of it, we compartmentalize things in different categories so that we always have like a reference guide to make sense of things. That is called the first impression, that instant when you make a decision about a person that you truly know nothing about, but has made some sort of impression on you whether it's good or bad it's made. I am stuck on all the first impressions from the person that I thought I was over but clearly still love, I can't stop thinking of all the good and I feel stuck because for a long time I couldn't stop thinking of all the bad! I thought of all the bad so that I could let him go and move on, but the more I meet new people, the more I get to know people, the more I'm convinced that I will never feel the way I did about him for anyone else, like his shoes are hard to fill! My first impression of him is my standard and the standard is pretty high!
Sure he wasn't perfect, but he made me feel like I was, I don't think any man has ever made me feel as wanted and needed and loved the way he did, sometimes part of me feels like I was a little obsessed with him, because I always felt that I could never get enough of him and like he couldn't get enough of me! I remember there were times that I would look out the window a million times waiting for him to come home and then when I would see the lights from his car reflect in my apartment (our parking spot was right in front of our door) I would run to the door and wait for him so I could jump on him and shower him with my love! No fear! I could give him me with no fear! now, I fear every single decision about anything that has to do with a man. Every time I want to do something nice for someone I question it and hold back and it's always this like battle inside of me like.... Well, what has this person done for you to go and give them you? It's pretty depressing to be honest and I just don't know how I will ever be ok and open to give anyone me again!
The worst thing is that other days I'm like..... I am going to give without fear! but that is far from the truth and everything I give takes a lot of effort and a lot of anxiety! I don't have the capacity to create a new future in my mind with anyone but myself, so that is what I need to do, continue to be by myself, keep taking care of me and my emotions and my health and forget about it all and just truly let go, because I feel like doing that will allow the right person to come into my life! Because all that comes into my life is just as or if not more broken than I am! which makes me even more confused more anxious and more scared! If the right person stepped into my life tomorrow, I would likely fuck it all up, because this hot mess right here right now, I don't think anyone can handle!
So every night before I go to sleep, I look at my phone and check my email and look for his name, but it's never there and I miss him so much! and I won't write because I will likely not get a response, but I miss him so much, because I'm stuck in this time capsule of the beginning when he treated me like a queen, when I was everything to him, and now I might no longer exist in his memory but here I am typing this journal and crying like a baby. I feel so down and the fact that people never seem to know what they want with me, makes me even more down and makes me more depressed because I don't want to be in this place again, this place of uncertainty of not knowing where I stand in people's lives. This place where everything is scary! why did it have to be this way journal? why?
The man from B5 made me laugh made me cry! Tall with dark hair and a dark shadow beard oh my! musically inclined, smart, funny, mesmerizing, Jewish Italian, only 5 years younger. Yup that was him, the one that got away! Sometimes I wonder if he ever visits you journal, like has he ever thought about me since the last time we saw each other at the night club in Manhattan where he was a DJ on the weekends? What happened to the man from B5?
I was wondering about him the other day and I looked up his brother on Facebook, now here is the thing journal, I don't usually look at anyone's profile I try not to get into those habits of obsessing over anyone's social media, because at the end of the day, a lot of it is just bull shit! do you know how many times I've posted a picture and looked really happy but inside my heart was breaking? or how many times I posted something that came up somewhere only because in that moment I posted it I was thinking about something and it was relevant? in the end, if I want to know about someone truly, I reach out and say hello! I mean that is, if the person is still my friend or if I'm still comfortable talking to them. But here is the thing, a few years ago, I would say probably about 5 years ago, I sent the man from B5 let's call him Wilferm (that's the name he had said I could use on my blog when writing about him) so I sent him a txt and he never till this day, responded. In that moment I knew he didn't want to have anything to do with me, even though at that point I had not even talked to him in a really long time and I was just saying hello because it had been a while and I was wondering about him.
He and I never really dated, we were just friends, actually we slept together maybe 2x if that, actually the second time I slept with him, I had a panic attack and ran out of his house, it was the craziest thing that had ever happened to me, I had a panic attack because back then I was a commitment phoebe and I got so scared about the way I felt about him during sex, that I had to stop couldn't breath and literally ran out with half my cloths in my hand! (do you think that's what scared him about me?) this is a true story I swear it! we lived in the same building, him on the second floor me on the 6th literally the same row of apartments just different floors, anywho, after that obviously things became super awkward and to my unfortunate luck, one morning I saw him leaving the building with another woman and that was shitty to see! because I was never in love with him, but I really really really really liked him A LOT!
Before our story ended, he once told me that he never wanted to be the reason why someone wouldn't do something they really wanted to do and the translation to that was, "Jazzy you have plans on moving to Colorado and I would never want to be the reason why you don't go!" maybe that is just something I thought he meant, but it was a really strange story that he and I shared because I would have never came to Colorado if he would have given us the opportunity to be something more. I once saw him with his mom outside of the building and I remember thinking, damn, I wish I could meet her! as I write this my heart aches a little, he was definitely sort of everything I never knew I always wanted, but you know how life goes journal, sometimes you just don't get what you want!
So I'm writing about this now because the other day when I wrote my post about marriage, I thought to myself, if there was anyone that I could choose to marry right now, who would that be? and immediately he came to my mind! I think about him randomly not consistently but like if something happens and I don't know I'm thinking about men or Brooklyn or just random stuff, he will come to mind. One day, I told him that I had found his brother on FB and that I had seen his whole family and he was all upset about it and I was like...... It's not like I'm stalking you, I'm telling you about it, why do people get all crazy about stupid shit like that? that's why people are on social media, if you don't want anyone to know anything about you, then you shouldn't be on it! and that is just the thing journal, this man does not have any social media at all, the only thing he has is LinkedIn because it's a professional site, but other than that, he is but a ghost in this world wide web!
However, his family has Facebook and ever so often I would look up his brother to see if maybe for some strange reason, there was a picture of him or something, I missed him! about a week ago I was thinking about him and I looked up the brother and then the mother and when I went to his mom's page, there HE WAS! a perfect picture of my Wilferm! OMG! he is still as handsome as I remember! I kept thinking hey! how are you? and I stared at the picture for a while and yearned to talk to him! I missed him so much! and wondered why he thought it was best never to talk to me again? I can't believe how great he looked, and to the masses I bet he's nothing special but to me, I had to sit there and stare at that picture and wonder, because the man in B5 who made me laugh and made me cry, never spoke to Jazzy again!(insert sad face here).
I wrote the poem below for him right before I moved to Colorado, because he said that one day he would visit me! he did come to Denver once, but he didn't let me know he did until after the fact, what about me made him feel that we couldn't be friends? I never understand men!
The man from B5 By: Jazzy Originally written on July 3, 2013 The man in B5, made me laugh, made me cry... And on that last night there could be no good bye. For those last hours were spent there with me, it was almost as if life had just made it be. And on that last night through little white lies a promise was made. That one day he'd go and spend time with me there, and that on that day it would be a grand big affair! That we would walk, we would laugh as only we do! down the road up the hill, over the mountains, we'd see, the wonderful natural beauty of God, the breath taking planes, and the wonderful sky! And oh my goodness what is that which we see? It's that sort of tree oh this place is for me! And hours will come and hours will go, Just him and just I, us sing and us dance! I'll ruffle his feathers and keep him together. He'll keep me from dreaming and being a fool. Together we'll smile it will last for a while, together at last together we'll be, together at last just he and just me. And we both will tell truths and we both will tell lies, and we both will not know why we once said goodbye! Oh boy one more time I will have him near! and he won't remember that what I said was clear, that dreams do come true remember please dear! that I held him, I smelled him and kissed his soft lips. And then I'll remember how on that last nigh he hugged me real tight and it felt just so right! together in my memory we'll be! the man from B5, just he and just me! I will leave you with..... Michael Jackson - Rock with you
It is 2022 and that means that it is a new year and a new opportunity to be great! or at least, tell yourself that you are stronger than you think! well, at least that's what I tell myself! I have had you for 11 years now! I never thought that 11 years later I would still be here, writing these words that mean nothing to some, but everything to me.
So I have a little story to tell you journal. The other day I was talking to someone and he told me that he felt that I talked about marriage a lot, when he told me this, I was really taken aback, like HOLY SHIT DUDE! I talk about a ton of shit but all you ever heard was me telling you that one day I want to get married? that's crazy! This comment definitely made me realize that men have selective listening or that they only pick up subtle cues of what a woman is telling them or only hear what they want to. Immediately when he told me that I found myself defending myself and telling him that the reason why I talked about marriage so much lately or I guess since I met him, is because I was supposed to be married right now, I was engaged and instead of getting married we broke up and that was really hard for me, I never thought that I would be naked on a bed with another man explaining to him why I spoke about marriage so much! I thought that I would be naked with one man only for the rest of my life!
After I had this conversation with him, it left me thinking about marriage and why was it that I was talking about it so much, like even when I was with my good friends this past summer, I told them that one day I would like to get married again, immediately, two of the three, the two that aren't married, told me they would never get married, that was far from their mind. I told them, that it made me sad that people felt this way these days, like everyone walks around with this fear of the most normal thing that can happen between two people that love, honor and respect one another. But maybe, the problem is that no one loves, honors or respects anyone these days, everyone is all about open relationships, open marriages and this world just seems chaotic and crazy, love rarely exists anymore. What happened to love? why is everyone always so scared?
Logically I had to sit down and do some real soul searching, was I thinking about marriage because I was supposed to get married and didn't, or was I thinking about marriage because I want a life partner, or was I thinking about marriage because that is what deep in my heart I truly want? After lots of thought, I realized this. When I first met my ex fiancé, I had been divorced for about 7 years at the time. He was a lot younger than I am, so honestly I never even thought I would love him, let alone imaging marrying him one day! when I met him, although I thought I was this happy woman that had it all figured out because I had been single for so long that I had single down pack! I didn't need ANYONE! then along he came, I remember always being like.... I will NEVER get married FUCK THAT! I literally would tell him this! at the time, he would just stay quiet and never really said much about it, yet unbeknownst to me, he had his own plan, and maybe at the time that plan didn't include me, but part of his plan was that he wanted to be married by the time he was 30.
Thinking back at all of this, it makes sense that he had these plans. He grew up in a loving home with two parents that loved each other and had been married for over 30 years, he grew up in an environment where marriage was OK where marriage was encouraged and marriage was thought of as a wonderful thing. Actually, his mom once asked me why weren't we married? when she asked me I was so shaken up, I almost didn't know what to answer! by this time, he and I had been living together for over 2 years, so the question made perfect sense. Meanwhile, here I was the bitter about marriage bitch, talking about.... I will NEVER get married. I loved him more than life and I couldn't fathom the thought of him not being in my life! yet the thought of marriage was still the furthest thing from my mind, I was still like...FUCK THAT! but why? why was I so bitter? I now realize that I was so bitter because I was allowing past bad experiences dictate my future! Because I had never truly healed from those bad experiences. Why do we all do this? why is life so scary?
As time started passing and I started falling in love with him more and more each day, and we started building a home together, all of a sudden things in my mind began to change, all of a sudden, love was an amazing thing again, he showed me what it looks like when a man loves a woman, truly loves a woman, he loved me and took care of me and always had my back. On another occasion, we had broken up for about 2 months, he even left the state when we did. I was completely devastated and yet, somehow we found our way back to each other, when he came back home, he was like.... Maybe we should get engaged or something, at that time, I was still like.... WTF! why do we need to do that? still, the bitter bitch couldn't fathom the thought of marriage. Someway some how, as time continued to go on the more I loved him the more I started to paint a picture in my mind of the idea of marriage. Then finally I told him that I would be ok with marrying him. It took him 4 years to make me believe that marriage was wonderful and that with the right person, you could build a world that only the two of you would share! granted, my story ended with a break up instead of a wedding, but he left behind a believer, a believer in love and a believer that I deserve all of that, marriage all of it! and that I don't or won't apologize for it and that I shouldn't have to and that if people are to scared to be happy that's not my problem!
So I guess where I'm at now with the marriage topic is this. I am not on the "hunt" for a husband, I told my friend the other day that in my life I had been engaged 4x and married 2x and while non of it was successful, I didn't care, because if I die tomorrow, I already did all of that. But the point is, that to me marriage is a lot more than a piece of paper, I always think of marriage the way my two gay friends who's wedding I officiated but not really (they are not legally married) got "married." They love one another and in front of the people they love, they shared vows with each other to tell the world that they were devoted to one another, that they would be there for each other in sickness and in health, in good times and bad times until death do's them part! I LOVE THAT! why don't I deserve a wonderful man that will want to love, honor and respect me for as long as he lives? why should I be bitter about marriage ever again? My new attitude about marriage is not that I need it and I'm in the "hunt" is more so that I'm OPENED to it and not a bitter bitch because other people in my past hurt me! on the flip side, if I love someone and he is showing me all of these things and to him it means a lot that we don't get married then I won't really care much about it either, because to me, it's about the commitment not so much the actual marriage part of it. My ex came into my life not having as many life experiences as I did and he taught me or rather, he reminded me that love is a wonderful thing, that knowing someone has your back is the best feeling in the world, that taking care of someone you love fills you, that it's ok to be alone, but that it's better to be in good company.
So I tell you journal, I don't know what my future holds and I don't know if I will ever sit here and write the story of the little wedding I had in XYZ place and I don't know if I will ever write my love story on my blog because I don't know if I will have one again, but I do know this, I am OPENED to all the possibilities because I am no longer a bitter bitch, I am no longer afraid to love and be loved again, I will NOT ALLOW bad experiences to continue to shape me, because why should I? There are still wonderful men out there, I know a TON of them, most of my friends are male and I see them yearning love, just like us women, so why is it that talking about marriage is such a scary thing for men? why is it that when a women mentions that, maybe just in passing, that's all they hear?
This man that told me that I talk about marriage a lot, when I told him this, I was having a conversation with him, I never in a million years was thinking or saying.... Damn I want to marry you! like when I initially told him this, I barely even knew him! so why in the WORLD would this be the ONLY thing, this man heard? and furthermore, why should I care if me mentioning that scared him away? if that is all you are hearing, than you clearly don't pay attention! like what the fuck!
I guess, note to self, don't EVER mention the M word, to someone you are sleeping with, because apparently that means to them that you are trying to "land them" dude, unless you are a surgeon with homes all over the country making millions and saving lives, ain't nobody trying to land shit! all these losers I meet need to calm the fuck down, because I deserve the world, any man would be so lucky to have the privilege and pleasure of having my love. It took me forever to realize my self worth, but now that I know it, I won't go around giving my love so easy, so again, unless you are a millionaire who can take care of me and I don't ever have to lift a finger again, will have my own chauffer, private jet and all the designer cloths my heart desires, you are probably safe! you are GOOD! because Jazzy ain't trying to marry just anyone, I'm not out here trying to hunt me a husband! laugh my fucking ass off! hilarious!
