Jazzy's Bio

 Dear Journal -

When I first started writing this journal almost 11 years ago, I had a little bio about myself and they made some changes at some point to blogger and my short bio disappeared. I don't even recall what it said, it was something like a mother, student, life long learner.  

While I was on my flight going to Colombia and usually on any flight I get on, my iPhone and start writing.  On the flight to Colombia I was thinking about my journal and how I had neglected you for a really long time and how being back on here writing felt like me and how much I love this little piece of me.  So, I decided to write a bio.  I just posted it on the main page but it's really long so I will have to keep working on it to make it shorter, but I wanted to put it on these pages as part of my journal page as I will need it for later referencing.  

While I'm on here writing, I have to report that I've had a very weird week, as well as challenging and emotional! (shocker!).  I had a really rough day the other day at work and I can't really go into details about it here, but it made me think and question whether I'm doing the right type of work or not.  My heart tells me that I am, my mind tells me that I need to make changes. I also thought to myself that if by the time my granddaughter is 5 I haven't met someone and am not in a serious relationship here in CO, I will likely move back to the east coast.  I know that's really sort of stupid basing such a huge decision like moving back home on my love life, but I think that if I am going to be true to myself, then that's how I am feeling right now, if in 5 years I'm still sitting here alone on my bed without anyone to love, I'm moving back home, because at least at home, I have lots of family and by then, my granddaughter will be bigger and can visit me for the summer and my son will be older and more mature and will not need me as much as he may be needing me now (for support that is and not financially, just support).  Anyway, I thought about these things this week because I was having a really rough week, non of this is set in stone, but as my Psychology professor once told us, always have a 5 year plan, always be working toward something, it doesn't need to happen exactly how you planned it and always be open to changes, as humans we need a plan and a purpose.  

Journal, without further a-do here is my very short bio: copied and pasted from my iPhone. 

Proud mother of 3 wonderful children who are no longer kids but will always be my babies. Grandmother to a beautiful baby girl. Born in Colombia, S.A. my parents migrated to Brooklyn, NY when I was 3 and left me in Colombia with my amazing grandparents.  They brought me to the states when I was 6 and I lived in Brooklyn, NY from the age of 6 until the age of 14 when we moved to Queens, NY.  I attended HS first in Queens, NY then finished my HS education at an alternative HS in the Lower East Side of Manhattan. Received my Bachelors in Psychology from the City University of New York, Brooklyn College. Currently I am a Social Caseworker in Colorado, working with justice involved youth. I’ve been writing journals ever since I can recall knowing how to write. I love to write.  I share my life with others with the purpose and hope that whomever comes across these pages they may find something that resonates with them and with hopes that people feel that what they may experience and go through in life is not very different than what I go through. I share my feelings, struggles, ever changing love life, and thoughts to let others know that we are all so closely alike.  My hope almost 11 years ago when I started this blog, was to have lots of women readers, but it turns out that I get more men readers, I am not sure why.  Thank you for visiting my journal. Please feel free to leave a comment or thought, I love interacting with others and sharing ideas!

I will leave you with, one of the first rap songs I heard as a kid.  Sugar Hill Gang - Rappers Delight.

All because of you

Dear Journal -

I've been planning to come up with a second cuddle buddy application but I've been so tired and busy I haven't had time to really sit around give it enough thought.  There isn't a lot going on to write about to be honest, lately for some reason I have been listening to a lot of R&B music and posting some of it on my snapchat story because I have to say I am really liking snapchat, it's just cool the way is set up and I enjoy all the little memes it has.  

I had set up a snapchat account years ago when I first met my ex and neither he or I could get into it so neither one of us had it, then one day he had went to California (that's where he grew up) to visit his family and when he got back I see that he has snapchat and I'm like, why do you have snapchat all of a sudden? and he's like, oh I only use it to talk to my cousin from New Mexico, WELL... He was actually using it to talk to the woman he cheated on me with (fucking hoe bag) sorry journal! but that girl had a man and was cheating on her man with my man! wtf! UGH! every now and then I will see some girl that kind of sort of resembles her and I have to do a double take, like.... is that her? anyway, didn't get on here tonight to talk about that whole situation. Anywho, once he and I broke up I got snapchat again and was using it a little but now I use it more often and learned how to use it so it's fun!

Today I was posting a bunch of music I was listening to and it dawned on me that one of the people I have on there as a friend is someone that I sort of kind of had a something with, he and I still talk but just like chat here and there and today, I was like oh fuck! this dude might think I'm posting that music and it's being directed at him! One thing about him is that he SWEARS I'm crazy about him! LMFAOOOO.  I don't know if he knows about this journal and if he ever comes on here and reads it, but if he ever does, I assure you journal that I'm not crazy about him.  I am not crazy about anyone but myself! 

I did go on a date last weekend and it was probably the worse most unhappy date ever! UGH! this is EXACTLY why I don't waste my time! like you are sitting there being all pleasant with someone you have absolutely no interest in what's so ever only because "that's what needs to happen" in order to meet someone to maybe love at some point, yea no! it's just a waste of time! after my horrid date, I went and met up with my friend D, who I love and who told me he reads you journal! and told me that he thought I had a lot of interesting stories and thinks I should definitely write a book one day! AWE!!!! I love that kid! thank you D if you are reading this! (insert smiley face here).  

Anytime someone tells me they read my journal it really fills my heart with joy, because that just means that people are interested in knowing, what is going on in Jazzy's world? unfortunately lately there isn't anything to exciting to report as the dating scene has been sour! BUT, I do keep trying and I do keep chatting and I do still believe that somewhere out there, my true love is running around with all the wrong wenches! 

Journal, without anything further to report, I will leave you with the song that I can't seem to stop listening too......... And it doesn't make me think of my snapchat friend, who probably thinks that I was posting it directing it at him........NOPE! if I have a song that makes me think of you, I'll send it on over! I have nothing to hide or loose! 

Ne-Yo - All because of you

There's something about Tinder!

"Dating is a lot like fishing, sometimes catch and release is the best method" 

Dear Journal -

I have been so tired lately! it's been so stressful with all the work that I have and just all the pieces that need to be completed in the type of work that I do, furthermore, my work can be an emotional roller coaster, It's like I can't work without emotions because I work with youth and the more that I get to know them, the more I love them and think of them as my own, so it gets tough to try and separate.  My oldest son and middle son don't want me to do this job anymore, but I feel like my work has only just began and that I have to stay in this role for some time, I am not sure for how long, but a part of me feels like I just can't move from it, because I feel that if I left and went to do something else, I would really miss these kids.  Most of them are all over the place and I always tell them this.... It's ok if you feel all over the place! I'm 50 and I'm all over the place! it's how you deal with each situation that matters, it's learning how to cope that's important.  I genuinely think most of these kids have love for me, they are just all so very special in their own way and I really enjoy being around them and learning from them, my favorite part is that they think they know it all, and in my head I'm always like..... if you only knew what is still to come! jeez!

Anyway, I was with one of the girls that is on my caseload the other day, and she was like, can we pick up my boyfriend? so I'm like, sure and then jokingly I'm like, but no kissing in my car! I don't need to be reminded that I haven't been kissing anyone in God knows how long at this point! so she's like fine I won't kiss in your car, but we need to find you a man! hahahahaha....she's like, are you on any dating sites? so I'm like, well I was on tinder but I got off a few weeks ago and she goes, tinder? do you not know that's a hook up site! oh my God! this kid had me laughing so hard because these kids they are just so real with me sometimes, and that is what I LOVE about my job! I love that these kids the ones that I have the pleasure of working with, they are just REAL! and even the ones that have lied to me about stuff, at some point tell me they lied to me to which I say, yea I know! I was just waiting for you to tell me the truth.  

Anyway, talking to her made me laugh but also made me miss tinder kind of sort of, especially because I got so many FB page followers off of that site. I am also on some other random sites, but that one specifically got me some good following on my FB page, so many, that last month (October) I got over 200 hits on my blog, that's really good! I only write 1x a week, I basically say nothing remotely important sometimes not even entertaining, yet off my tinder I got a bunch of new FB likes which in turn creates curiosity which in turn gets people clicking on my blog (thank you by the way!).  I don't know who is reading my stuff unless they tell me or unless they comment which I don't get comments, but I've gotten emails on my FB page from men that have read stuff on my blog and I've also gotten emails on tinder from men talking to me about stuff I've written which makes me feel really happy, because I think back of when I started this blog and the efforts that I put into it and I've been re-reading some of my posts and I'm like.... awe! I remember when that happened and I've also cried at some of the posts I wrote and I've also forgotten some of the things I've written so I just love you so much journal!

The thing is that being on dating sites gets exhausting and then there are the assholes that want to say things that make my blood boil and then there are the ones that live thousands of miles away talking about I will fly to you just to see you! ...... UM... YEA! OK! this girl right here will never do long distance ever again! The other thing is that everyone I match with is in Denver or like miles away and ain't nobody got time to be driving all kinds of miles to see people or I don't know, I'm just not feeling it lately, I also have been feeling very like, lazy about getting to know anyone or any of that shit, so I don't know, while part of me wants to "stay in the game" the other part of me is like, who gives a shit if anyone is reading my posts? this is MY JOURNAL! I love this journal!

In other Jazzy news, I told my friend the story of Benjamin Nunez! remember him? my inspiration for this journal? anyway, I told her the brief version of the story how I was his "stalker" except he pretty much lead me on, the whole time I "stalked him" and then how at the end when we saw each other again he said stuff like.... OH YEA, I SAW THAT! when I made a reference to something I had posted on either twitter or FB, and then how he was like..... it was SO HARD, not to respond to you! really asshole? was it hard for you to continue to play with my head with your posts? let's be honest here, we both did this to each other and the game ends now! which it did, after we took a class together for 6 or 8 weeks (can't remember) then I told her how every week during our class breaks I would run outside to central park and cry because being around him was probably one of the hardest things I ever had to do! such a crazy fucking story that I swear if it weren't for my niece that witnessed the whole thing and also my ex co-worker in NY, no one would believe me and I genuinely would look like a stalker! I think in his mind and in my mind and the weird feelings we shared for each other, what we were both doing was "ok" and being around each other again after all those years, because everything started out live and direct like we knew each other in person initially, gave us the closure that we both needed to move on from that crazy story!

Now when I think back at that time in my life, I realize that I did all of it to "be in love" because being in love with someone I couldn't have, was safer than giving my love to someone "in real life" because loving was too scary! then along came my ex who broke down all my walls only to break me all over again! Fuck my life sometimes for real! 

Journal, I want to leave you with, this post I wrote back in 2012 about me being a "stalker" I just re-read it and it made me cry.  I still can't believe that was me! I love you journal!

https://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2012/09/stop-stalking-me-bih.html

Maroon 5 - Beautiful Mistakes