Dear Journal -
I had published this post originally on September 30, 2020 at 7:45 a.m., But took it down after my ex and I broke up because I was to embarrassed to have it up after we broke up, mainly because I felt so ridiculous and because I could not bare what I was going through. For the record, my ex proposed to me at the beach in Seaside, Oregon. I can't remember the date I wish I did, but it was right before I moved back to CO. Him asking me to marry him really took me by surprise, although we had talked about it before, I had no idea that he was going to ask me on Sunday afternoon, I know it was on a Sunday because that was the only day we both had off so we would often go to the beach together on Sunday's. The crazy thing is, that we had been to the beach so many times but had never gone into the water together because anytime we went to the beach it was in the Pacific North West and the water was freezing! we had also been to the beach in San Francisco, but it was also cold. Our plan was to eventually go to Miami together and finally get in the water together, we never had the chance to do so. I remember he was in the car and I had got out of the car and was by the boardwalk, there was no one around as it was still pretty cold out. Then he came to where I was standing and looked at me and said, "baby, will you marry me?" I could tell he was a bit nervous and I was definitely taken aback but then I was like of course I will! and I remember tearing up because I was so happy. Also for the record, he didn't go on his knees nor did he have a ring so I felt a little disappointed about that, but we talked about the ring he was going to buy me and stuff like that after. I am picky but nor really! I told him I wanted him to pick it as he knew my taste in stuff. He was always such a thoughtful gift giver, I will miss him for a long time to come! I hope with all my heart he is well!
Dear journal - 8/30/2020
I want to start writing again, I often still talk about you and the other day I was telling someone how I had a blog and they thought that was so cool! When I told her it was about my personal life she said it didn't matter, the point is that I write (I don't really anymore) but why can't I find that drive to do so again?
Anyway, I came on here this morning for a very important reason at least to me it's important. I woke up at almost 6 a.m. this morning and couldn't sleep, I couldn't sleep because I was exhausted last night and went to bed really early. When I wake up I like to go through my emails because I'm subscribed to a lot of different blogs about mainly health topics, so I typically read the email subject and if it's an article I want to read but don't have time at the moment, I leave it in my inbox to read it later. I have so many articles piled up, so getting up early is nice because I feel like I have extra time for myself. So, I get up and start going through my emails and realize I have emails saved from 2010! HOLY SHIT! I didn't even know I had stuff from that long ago! some of them were college homework that I had submitted to one of my professors!
I also came across an email that I wrote to myself in April 2010 when I was "madly in love with Benjamin Nunez" while that isn't his real name, he was the reason and inspiration for me to start this blog and that is the ONLY reason why I'm mentioning him on this post, because reading that email brings me to why I'm writing this specific post right now.
When I read the email, I started crying so hard, because I realized in that moment that Benjamin Nunez, was never really "My love" he was someone that maybe had to pass through my life so that I could find out in some weird way, so many things about myself. Benjamin and I met while I was pregnant with my daughter (I was also separated from my then husband) Benjamin and I became friends in person and soon after we stopped seeing each other in person because he left the building where we both worked, so when he told me he was leaving his job at the time, he gave me his business card and we stayed in touch vie email/txt/internet messaging and established a friendship that way. We eventually saw each other again, but we never even shared a kiss, he was my "friend" who really wasn't a good friend. My point is that during that time of my life I was so "in it" I didn't realize the harm this person had caused me and while now I don't have any ill feelings toward him, I know for a fact, that he was definitely not "my love" because true love looks VERY different than what I experienced then. What that experience did do to me, was it made me create a wall so high, that I never thought I could ever love anyone ever again in my life.
Fast forward 10 years later and here I am again on this blog but this time with a story that fills my heart with nothing but joy! I have written about my current love only a few times on this blog, there are so many reasons why I think that I haven't written about him often, the main one being that I wanted our life to be private. I asked him in the past if he cared if I wrote about us and he said he didn't, yet I don't know, I just wanted our love to be our love I guess. Yet anytime I have ever written about him, it's only ever been about the bad things that have happened, or how he may have hurt me or how we have broken up etc. yet never once, have I written a good thing that has happened between us or how we have successfully found each other time and time again no matter what we go through!
Why is it journal that we only tell our sad stories and not share our happy ones? is it that deep down inside we are afraid that people may judge negatively that we are happy? OR better yet, is it that I'm so afraid of being happy that I'm afraid to write it because then it's real? OR maybe I'm afraid that sharing my happiness with people might make them feel a certain way? as the saying goes, haters gonna hate! Makes me sad to put this in writing to express these things on my blog because as I'm writing this I realize how many times I haven't shared a good thing because I was afraid of being judged and that shouldn't be ok. The only time I let go of this fear, is when get really angry and tell myself that everyone can go fuck themselves because guess what, NO ONE TAKES CARE OF JAZZY BUT JAZZY! and therefore, who cares what anyone thinks right? right!
Journal, without further a do, I want to share with you that I am engaged and that I am happy and that I found MY TRUE LOVE! yes I did! This man came into my life 4 years ago and since that time, we have been through SO MUCH! but when I think about why we've been through all these trials and tribulations, I realize that most of the time, it was because my WALLS WERE SO HIGH, that when I think back at our relationship, I can almost imagine him with a chisel trying to break those walls down and me putting those brick blocks back up! obviously, it's way more complicated than that and I by no means mean to say that he isn't human and doesn't make his own mistakes and that we have had to learn together or that he hasn't done things that weren't ok, however no matter what, he has never given up on me and I don't give up on him and this is exactly what has kept us loving each other the way we do. I feel like he has fought for me without hesitation or fear, he's so fearless when it comes to the way he loves me, I don't think anyone has ever loved me that way before and I feel so blessed and so lucky that someone loves me that way.
I also don't think I would of ever realized any of this, had it not been for the help of my last therapist, I went to her for over a year and she was truly amazing and she helped me SO MUCH and she helped me realize that I COULD let the walls come down and that I DID deserve to be loved and be happy! I am so grateful to her! and thanks to her I feel a sense of freedom and like a heavy burden has been lifted, I don't walk around feeling scared to love someone and let him love me. I'm also thankful and grateful that he never gave up on me.
Will I come back on this journal one day and tell you a story of something that went wrong between us again at some point or about an argument? maybe, I mean we are human and it won't always be perfect, but you best believe I'll be on here bragging about my love when he does something great too! because why not? the point of me starting this journal 10 years ago was so that I could share my story, no matter how insignificant it may be to the world, but this is my story and if nothing else, it's out there some way some how! and I've had over 40 thousand hits to this blog and I don't know who is looking at it, but I get hits on it and I don't even post anything anymore or go on to my blog. Imagine if I would of kept writing? I even made a few dollars from this blog (never claimed the money) but as my writing professor said to me, if you get paid for it then you are a writer!
So here I am once again journal to tell you that I am engaged to chino (that's not his real name) but I am and I am thrilled and I LOVE HIM SOOOOOO MUCH! and this post is dedicated to him and so is the song that I will leave you with at the end of this post, because I came across the song while going through my phone and while having a morning filled with realizations and when I heard it I cried SO HARD! but out of happiness because the lyrics of this beautiful song, express how I feel about my love! and that was what made me get on my laptop and start writing!
CS - Thank you my love for helping me find my inspiration to write again and to be able to share a happy moment in my life and express without being afraid of what the world has to say about us.
I dedicate this song to you! - CJS FOREVER!
