I was thinking.... Lucky he who meet a girl born in Colombia raised in Brooklyn by all the Jamaican's playing their beautiful music in prospect park!
yup that's me! this girl right here! what you know about a diverse world? what you know about people? places? cultures? things? you don't know SHIT!
Shame on me for giving you all my love and so many kisses!
Shame on me for crying for you everyday
Shame on me for letting you control my emotions after all this time has passed
Shame on me for knowing that you are silent because you know it hurts me and it's as if you had put a knife through my heart and silence pushes the knife in deeper and deeper rupturing every part of it............
Shame on me for being unable to delete the pictures we took through out the years, portraying happy moments, our moments, moments that will never come back...
Shame on me for keeping such photographs that torment my soul.........
Shame on Jazzy...........
Dear journal -
Today has been a really really rough emotional day for me. For some reason, I woke up this morning and I couldn't stop crying, and I've pretty much cried all day long. I am going to tell you why I cried, but first I want to say that I thought this was supposed to get easier, but today it seemed harder than ever!
Last night I posted a journal from 3 years ago and I called it repeated stories, but then I thought about all the times I wrote throughout the 4 years of my relationship and I know I've said this before, but I only wrote when things were bad. I never once, wrote a story about any one specific good time that I had with my ex and today I cried and had a rough day because I missed him so desperately, because Sunday's were once upon a time "our day" and this morning as I laid in my bed alone, all of a sudden I was flooded with memories of my love and how many beautiful Sunday's we had shared. I thought it was worth acknowledging on this my journal, that I wouldn't have given someone 4 years of my life if all I had endured was pain. We had some beautiful special moments that I will always cherish and I don't think it's fair that I make someone out to be a monster, because Jazzy wouldn't be in love with a monster.
At the end of the day, I got a FB notification that one of the news stations I follow was live on the coast so I got onto the site and there it was, a beautiful amazing sunset over the ocean and my heart felt heavy and I felt so completely heartbroken, because I remembered how many times he and I watched a sunset together and had beautiful moments. All I could think of was why? why couldn't we be happy? why couldn't we love each other forever like we had promised? why did it end this way? I've cried so many tears on this journal, so I want to promise that one day if I'm lucky and I meet a wonderful man and by some reason I fall in love again (although I can't even imagine that happening) but if it ever does again, I want to make a point of writing good things, sharing happy moments and not only writing the hurt and pain that I endure, because I promise you journal I've had happy moments in the last 4 years, we just don't remember them when our heart has been broken.
But today I allowed myself a moment to remember and I specifically remembered that last year, right before Christmas we were fighting and he told me that he was thinking of proposing to me on Christmas day, when he told me that I got really pissed off at him because I had once told him, if you ever want to ask me to marry you, it better not be on some cliché day like everyone else does. Today as I thought of that, I can honestly say I don't know if he told me that to make me feel shitty and it was a lie, or if he did have intentions of proposing, because he told me so many lies I really don't know what was real and what wasn't, or at least that's how I feel, because again, you only remember the bad. But all I know is that Christmas is his favorite time of year, but it really isn't mine and the whole time we were together, I would always bitch and moan about it.
After our argument a few days later I asked him why did he want to propose to me on Christmas and I apologized for getting upset about something that should of made me so happy. His response was, that he wanted to propose to me on Christmas because he wanted to change my view of Christmas so I could think of it as a very special day moving forward, in other words, he wanted to make Christmas special for me as much as it was for him. I would of married him 100 times over and over again! I wanted to love him for the rest of my life, so the fact that I'm sitting here writing this post and crying because instead of loving him I have to forget him, is much to much for me to handle. How will I ever move on journal? I can't take this pain........................
I'll leave you with......... Toni Braxton - Un-Break my heart
I wrote this poem on Oct 27, 2017 - after a break up.........
Dear journal -
I said in a previous post that I was going to post old journals that I had written in the past but never posted. Tonight I went through my iPhone's notepad where I had written them, and chose the journal below that I wrote on Oct. 17, 2017.
What I noticed from reading these posts was that my relationship had the same theme, by that I mean that I complained about the same things for 3 years. I don't know why I kept trying to fight a loosing battle. I guess love is such a strong thing that you do so much even when you know deep down in your heart you will ultimately fail, or maybe I didn't have enough faith or I didn't turn the negatives into positives? Regardless, it doesn't matter anymore, I'm posting all of this because I am 100 percent sure that this relationship is over for good.
I can slowly breath again and be me again, while it still feels sad everyday, there have been a few days where I'm not thinking about it non-stop and that to me is a HUGE deal, because it means I'm slowly moving on. It does really help that my ex doesn't speak to me anymore, apparently I was the bad one and that works, as long as he leaves me alone I'm good, so this is probably the best thing that can be happening to me right now, and while it's hurtful, it's not! does that even make sense?
I feel good enough to stay home and chill and not feel any type of way, I'm feeling like myself again, like I'm coming up from under a deep grave that I had buried myself under. It's so weird and I want to journal this because I want to come back and read these things and feel the way I do when I read stuff about Benjamin Nunez, the one who inspired me to start this journal, the one who also hurt me but in a very different way. Below is the journal entry I want to share.......
Written on October 17, 2017.........
I don't know what to do or think anymore, I'm scared that he might leave after all, and if he does, what will happen to me? I don't know me without him anymore, it's so scary to think of him not being in my life. However, I'm scared with him in my life also, because of everything that has happened.
I don't know how to act or be, because I don't want to mess anything up; I feel as if I have to act like I'm totally fine when I'm not, I'm scared. I guess the only thing I can do is stick to my word, I told him I support whatever he decides and the truth is that I do.
When you truly love someone you want them to be happy, that is the definition of true love, loving someone selflessly. This is my test, and I hope that no matter what, I pass it with flying colors.
Last night he mentioned California again, it's still part of his plan, so as part of mine I need to start letting go, to start enjoying life without him there, because that's what I did once upon a time, I enjoyed life without him in it. Who was I back then? A year and 3 months ago today I was someone that he was impressed by, but now I'm Someone who has all sorts of faults, he no longer sees me in the long run in the future and yet one day he couldn't imagine the future without me.
I'm so scared, but whatever the universe decides for me, I'm sure there is something greater out there that's coming, and this is only a preparation for that, so I have to let life be! I have to love me before I can truly love you.
Dear journal -
As you know from my recent posts, I'm going through something very difficult in my life right now. The other day I watched sex and the city the movie. I love this movie! mainly because I used to watch the series and I absolutely love those NYC ladies! I would always tell my friends in NYC that I wish I could write an underground version of sex and the city and by this I mean the story of friends in NYC who don't have money or live on the upper east or west side. A story about four friends from the hood and how different their life is!
I saw them filming this movie or at least a scene from the movie. I used to work on 42nd street Grand Central literally right across the street from the station, that is only a few blocks away from the main library on 5th avenue where they filmed a scene where Carrie (the main character) gets out of a limousine and starts beating Big (the male main character) up with her flowers! in this scene she's in her wedding dress and he had just left her in the "alter." It was so cool watching them film that scene and I got to watch it by accident because I happen to be on my lunch break and walking in that direction and I got lucky and got to see them filming that scene! it was cool seeing them filming it and then seeing it on the big screen! I miss NYC! I got to see so many famous people and see so many films being made etc. I miss home all the time!
So I was watching the movie and there is another scene where Carrie is talking to Big about a book that she is reading called Love Letters of Great Men. I decided to go get the book and found out that the book was actually made after they showed that scene in the movie because people wanted the book but the book actually didn't exist yet, at least not the version she was referring to in the movie. However, because so many people wanted the book they actually created the book that was referenced in the movie.
The book is a compilation of love letters written by famous men throughout history. I think that is so cool! Below is my favorite letter, I'm literally typing what is in the book. I should also note that I cried so much when I read this letter. Not only is it so touching but it was written by Beethoven! that's so damn cool!
Letter from Ludwig Van Beethoven - He was never married so there is no proof of who this letter was written to, it was found in his belongings when he passed - (1770-1827) it is believed that it might have been for Antonie Brentano (1780-1869)
Good morning on 7 July
Even in my bed my ideas yearn towards you, my Immortal Beloved, here and there joyfully, then again sadly, awaiting from Fate, whether it will listen to us. I can only live, either altogether with you or not at all. Yes, I have determined to wander about for so long far away, until I can fly into your arms and call myself quite at home with you, can send my soul enveloped by yours into the realm of spirits - yes, I regret, it must be. You will get over it all the more as you know my faithfulness to you; never another one can own my heart, never - never! O God, why must one go away a miserable life. Your love made me the happiest and unhappiest at the same time. At my actual age I should need some continuity, sameness of life - can that exist under our circumstances? Angel, I just hear that the post goes out every day - and must close therefore, so that you get the L. at once. Be calm - love me - to-day - Yesterday. What longing in tears for you - You - my Life - my All - farewell. Oh go on loving me - never doubt the faith-fullest heart Of your beloved L
Ever thine.
Ever mine.
Ever ours.
Now I know why he made such beautiful symphonies! My favorite is Moonlight Sonata
Dear Journal - I know it has been sometime since I last wrote but as of late, my life has been pretty busy! I came on here tonight to write...
