Thursday, December 29, 2011

Dear Journal - 12-29-11

I started writing an entry the other night called 2011 recap and I couldn't get into my writing.  I guess part of me is not feeling to inspired lately.  I have been feeling a bit down for a few reasons which I prefer not to write on my public journal, but I will say this...... It has to do with a boy.  Boys boys boys! they have been trouble to me all of my life! you would think at 40 my boy troubles would no longer be, but no, I still have the boy troubles.  Please note that I say boys, because well the men that want to partake in my life are boys trying to be men.  


I have tried a few times to talk to men my age, but they are just so strange.  They don't know what they want either.  I will accept a younger man not knowing what they want but when a man my age doesn't know what he wants, that's just crazy! or is it? are we supposed to always go around knowing what we want or should we be able to judge case by case? why do the boys chase me? I never get it or maybe I just prefer to not accept that young or old they all want the same thing! SORRY BOYS! your looking in the wrong place, TRUST ME!  I have pretty much have given up at this point and I have to admit that my giving up feels good! I also am fully aware that I really really really am selfish about my freedom.  I made a proposition to a boy/man and wondered after I did so if I had made the right decision.  I think I did.  


I had a great year! had so much fun met such amazing people and learned so very much.  I have to say that 2011 was pretty good to me! the only crappy thing that happened was that I hurt my achilles tendon and have not been able to run as I was doing before, this made me very sad because sometimes even as I walk it bothers me.  Other then that I don't have anything to really complain and bitch about.  I have great wonderful supportive friends and family, I have a roof over my head food to eat and lot's of things to be grateful for.  I can honestly say that although I had some pretty sad days through out the year, for the most part I am pretty happy and that's pretty ok in my book.


I don't do new year's resolutions, but this year I want to really work on my potty mouth.  The thing is that during work hours I don't curse, but when I'm not at work I feel like I curse way more then I should and the reason why I know that I do is because my three and a half year old says things like, mommy you said a bad word! THAT IS NOT COOL! how can I teach her that she shouldn't say something that mommy is saying?  So, for the very first time in a really long time, effective January first I will be starting a new year's resolution and that is to stop cursing! all inclusive in my writing.....OK maybe not in my writing since she can't read yet! 


Whomever comes across this post, I wish you all the very best life has to offer in 2012.  If you read my blog often then I want to thank you yet again for visiting my blog and supporting my writing, I love to do it and hope that in 2012 I can write really good important things that will in some way shape or form help you in some way or another.  As someone pointed out to me just the other day, I AM CRAZY! but that is ok! because if I wasn't, then who could you compare yourself too to realize that you are SANE?


PEACE AND LOVE!

Thursday, December 22, 2011

JAZZY'S JOURNAL 1 YEAR ANNIVERSARY WOOO HOOO!!

One year ago today, I decided to finally start writing my journal and posting it..... My live journal..... http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2010/12/omg-my-first-blog-entry.html  LIVE! WOOO HOOO!!! Live and direct from my bed to your computer or phone screens woooo hoooo!!! the internet is AWESOME!!! I have to say that I am really really happy that I started my blog, for one, it has given me the opportunity to practice my writing and sharing with people my stories, ideas, thoughts, angers, tears, happiness and music that I enjoy listening to. 


When I wrote my first blog post, I was so nervous and thought that no one would ever ever read this stuff, yet I didn't really care or wait, yes I did, I wanted this my blog to be read because I wanted to put my thoughts out there with hopes that if someone read something that they could relate to in some way shape or form they would understand that we are all the same and go through many different feelings and thoughts in somewhat of a uniform way regardless if we are male or female. 


I wanted to write not just to put my business out there as I always do, but more so to... I don't know maybe help someone in some sort of way? like if a woman read something I went through and could relate to it she could feel like "holy molly!" that same thing happens to me! or if a guy read something that I wrote he could be like "wow! no wonder my girlfriend sometimes acts all crazy!" because on my blog I try to be as honest and sincere as humanly possible all because I want you to know that "I am crazy too!" and you are not alone in your trials and tribulations.....


I have always through out my life kept journals, but for a very long time I had stopped writing because I had forgotten for so long how much I truly loved it, until someone came into my life and brought back my passion.  I dedicated this blog to him and still do, because regardless of the events of this past year, I will always and forever be grateful to him for changing my life forever! One day I will hopefully write a wonderful book where I will be able to share the specifics as to why this man changed my life so drastically, but until I do, I want whomever comes into this my journal to know that I truly with all of my heart appreciate that you take time out of your life, to read my jiberish! and that I promise to you that I will one day turn this journal into the vision that I have for it.  In one year, I have gotten nearly 7 thousand hits to this little blog and although I feel like someone keeps going onto one specific post over and over again for some strange reason, I have to admit that I am humbled by the fact that people actually read it.  Additionally, I want to say thank you to all of my friends who have told me that they have read it and how they enjoyed it.  What blows my mind the most is that people who I never in a million years would think cared to look at it, actually have.  That's pretty darn cool! 


I want to thank my friend Cristina for having encouraged me to start it... I remember telling her that I didn't know what the hell I would write about and her saying, "as long as you are living, you will always have something to say!" WOW! indeed I have.  I don't have much to say tonight though because I'm really tired, but I had to post something on this my one year anniversary.  It may seem insignificant to many, but to me it only proves that when I put my mind to something, I try to stay true to it.  I didn't start it when I first wanted to start it because I didn't feel like I would stick to it, but I have, I love my little piece of art, this one, my little piece of me that I give to you all.  I hope that you have read something on here meaningful and worth your while.  


I will continue to share my thoughts and wildest dreams... well maybe not the real wild one's (insert wink here) but you know what I mean right? right? Also, I do have some ideas as to things I want to write about that will be a bit educational, I just really don't have the time to do so much (insert sad smiley here) but I do have things I want to share and they will be sexual in nature woooo hoooo!!!!


so stay tuned to........ Jazzy's Journal! THANK YOU FOR READING!!! WOOOO FUCKING HOOOO!!!! SCHOOL IS OUT BITCHES! LET'S PARTY!!! HAHAHAHA!!!

Sunday, December 18, 2011

This I Promise You by N'Sync (Lyrics)

Took a break from studying for my Psychology final..... God please help me remember it all!

I was listening to my pandora station and this came on....... LOVE IT!

PS. I DIDN'T CRY!!! WOOO HOOO!

Cognitive Psychology = the study of our mental process... Jazzy's Journal.... you will always learn some random fact!

Enjoy...... This I promise you: By N'Sync.


Saturday, December 17, 2011

Dear Journal: 12-17-11 sometimes fairy tales do come true!

Dear Journal:


Last night I went to my cousins wedding and I have to say that it was just lovely! she looked so beautiful in her white dress! I have to admit that she was starting to stress me out with the fact that she was so stressed out about the wedding, but in the end I know that she was so completely happy with the results and I must say that although I had no part in the making it happen process, the end result of all her and her moms and sisters hard work payed off! her wedding was magical, like literally there was a princess horse carriage waiting for her and her new husband outside of the church, it was well..... magical! the best part for me was when I got to wish her and her new husband at the same time that I wished them happiness and love and I gave my little cousin a kiss on her forehead and told her that I had "told her" that everything was going to be perfect, but what happened next is my favorite part, I said to her, "I love you" and she responded "I love you too!" she had never once said that to me and I was extremely happy when she did, because I really do love my little cousin, I remember her as a beautiful little girl and then as a beautiful young woman and last night I saw her as a beautiful young bride, it was just an amazing night.


Oh goodness I am so tired today due to the fact that I was partying last night, yes! so much fun with my family, I got to see my cousins and get lots of love from each one.  We have such a big family that sometimes I forget how many of us there are and not even half of them were there.  Damn, we spanish people don't mess around! but I am exhausted and I have been trying to study and write these 2 essays that I have to hand in tomorrow and it was really hard for me to get them done, but I finally did and as I was writing and trying to finish up so I could go to sleep, I decided to come to you and write to you because I surely do miss you dear journal.  This is my favorite thing to do, sit on my bed and write to you my story.


I have no idea why that man came into my thoughts tonight but he did and I kept thinking, that I wish he could read my mind or even sometimes wish he would read my journal.  I once wrote him a story and sent it to him and he told me that he never had the chance to actually read it, I think he was lying but maybe who knows maybe he didn't read it after all, he is quite the busy character. When he told me he had not read it I felt hurt, because I wrote it just for him and about him.  It was a short story that would of probably taken him not longer then 10 minutes to read but he said he never read it.  Journal, I will tell you now why I believe him to have lied.....


I had many secret conversations with him I wrote about it before....http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2011/06/secret-conversations.html and I almost know that all those times that we had those conversations, there was a connection between us that neither of us could deny.  I can almost say that their was some sort of course that was taking place and that the circumstances were not the sort of circumstances that would of allowed anything to happen.  


I never see him much but the other day I was walking and I bumped into him, I no longer talk to him because he hurt me and I decided that I could not talk to him and pretend that it is ok because it is not, I feel that he needs to say he is sorry and I fear that he never will.  What is it with men and apologies? I don't quite understand why it is so difficult for them to say it.  Of course I do not want someone to apologize to me if they are not doing so with a sincere heart, so it is ok, I have moved on.  However, when I passed him I had no choice but to look up at him and when our eyes accidentally met, I must admit that he divulged it all.  Right in that moment his eyes said to me what with words he probably never will.  I felt that look deep in my heart and in my soul and I had to look down immediately as to not allow myself to feel anything by it at all.  I hid inside of me what may or may no longer be there, I could not allow myself to have any sort of feeling towards this individual and when I say any sort of feeling I am not only referring to love or like or attraction I am referring to anger and hate and hostility.  I will not allow those sentiments which do not serve me and my soul any positive purpose to control my heart.  I looked back at him with almost the same intensity but when I realized that I had failed by looking up, I looked away immediately and tried to forget it had just happened.


But tonight as I was writing my essay for my class that moment came back into my thoughts and I felt I simply had to share it with you dear journal, because these are the moments that count.  The one's where we feel and we understand accept and try to make sense of.  Sometimes I feel that I am so deep that I can't handle it, yet I would not change that about myself for one moment.


And of course there is he...... Oh journal why does he continue to linger in my life like a ghost that won't go away? I thought of him the other day and wondered what he would be buying his new girlfriend for christmas and as the tears rolled down my eyes I wished him well and sent him lot's of love...  When you love someone, you let them go and wish for them the best life has to offer.  I'm blogging on a Saturday night I fear I have become the mirror image of the person I once admired with all of my heart...... hmmm..... how strange.


So to end this entry I must say that fairy tales due come true, I witnessed my beautiful young cousin marry the man she has loved since she was 14 years of age, there in front of God they exchanged vows and promised to love each other in sickness and in health I believe with all of my heart that they will.  It is never to late to find true love I truly believe that with all of my heart, but when you find it once in your life and you are lucky enough to not have to ever look for it again as in the case with my young cousin and her wonderful new husband, I must admit that, that is one absolutely beautiful thing worthy of being put on this page......


Oh they danced to my favorite song that I have loved and listened to many times and thought of different people with, during different stages of my love life... Please enjoy it below.  For my cousin and her new husband I have to admit that this song truly fits their story, because they are each others first love..... WOW! 


My Endless love by Diana Ross and Lionel Richie
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yVJnMj2oKfo

Sunday, December 11, 2011

Dear Journal: I DIDN'T LEARN SHIT!!!

I really did learn alot, but I had to make you read my journal!!! (insert smiley with big teeth here) ok, so today was my last music class and I learned a whole bunch of stuff so much I can't remember anymore (insert sad smiley here) however, I learned one very important thing and that is.....


Music is THE MOST WONDERFUL THING ON EARTH! I have always said that I like all types of music and I have to say it again, I seriously do! I APPRECIATE ALL MUSIC! every single week no matter what genre we were studying that particular week, or what corner of the earth the music we were studying came from whether it was China or Pakistan or South America or the Renaissance or the romanticism or classical or opera or WHATEVER, I still ALWAYS managed to move to the sound or shake my head or tap my feet or just want to cry from the beauty of it!!!


Today, was the last day and maybe I don't remember proper terms or names of songs or even fully understand the deepness of it all, but one thing I can say is this, I was especially touched by one specific genre of music that I sort of had a prejudice about and every single time I would walk into some sort of store and heard it I was bitter and upset because it made me think of evil people up until today.  I am almost ashamed to share this but I feel that I must, because this is my journal and these are the true events of this my life and so even if what I'm about to share is a bit embarrassing, I have to, because I am pretty sure that I am not the only one who feels this way and if I am, God please forgive me! 


Today or this last weeks music was Middle Eastern, I live in NYC and I have deep sadness about events that took place years ago that I do not need to go to because it's sort of obvious, I am talking about 9/11.  Anyway, I also have learned in my Psychology class that we are conditioned to certain things and that even if we don't really mean to or want to, we have prejudices that we can't change unless we fully are aware of them and understand them.  I did not realize how prejudice I was until today, when I was forced to listen to this sort of music and learn the background of it.  Well, I learned that Ghazal music which is from Pakistan, is a form a poetic expression.  I learned the deep meaning of this genre of music.  And what it signifies.  And when I was exposed to the lyrics of the song we were studying for the class, in that moment it dawned on me, that all this time I have been a prejudice fool and ignorant that judged a whole culture based on one persons horrible doing! and I felt really sad that I know that so many others do as well.


Ultimately, we are all the same no matter where on earth we come from and the music that we listen to always ends up being about the same thing...... LOVE! LOVE! the song I had to listen to was about LOVE and the woman that sings it looks like she could be my sister.  WOW! after today, I will never look or deep down think badly of anyone when I walk into their store and they are listening to their beautiful music... PLEASE FORGIVE ME I am not completely proud of this post but I hope that with what I learned today, I can continue to practice what I preach and that I will not allow one person's doing, dirty my heart for others...


PLEASE EJOY THIS MOST BEAUTIFUL POETIC GHAZAL SONG FROM PAKISTAN...


ALSO, PLEASE NOTE THAT LOVE! is all we need to make this world a better place...


Some of the lyrics go like this...


 
1
Yunhi pehlu mein bethey raho                
Tonight, do not insist   on leaving 
                                                                       Sit here close to me
Haaye mar jaayein ge                                ... I will die, I will be  lost
Hum to lutt jaayein ge
Aisi baatein kiya na karo                  Don't say such things
Aaj jaane ki zid na karo                    Tonight, do not insist on leaving

2
Tumhi socho zara                                    Just ponder for a second
kyu'n na rokein tumhey                                 Why shouldn't I stop you?
jaan jaati hai jab uth ke jaatey ho tum          When my life leaves every time you go
tum ko apni qasam jaan-e-jaa'n                    I swear to you, my love
baat itni meri maan lo                                    Listen to my one request
Aaj jaane ki zid na karo                           Tonight, do not insist on leaving



LINK TO SONG BELOW..



Aaj jane ki zid na karo - Farida Khanum


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gh_UZuNUZR0





Friday, December 9, 2011

The COMPLETELY FABRICATED Character.....One from my Fucked up IMAGINATION!!!

This past week I was walking around in downtown Broadway in NYC right near the world trade center and I overheard a christmas song playing.  I haven't been paying attention to christmas music much because to be completely honest christmas music makes me extremely depressed for many reason one which I am about to share.  Anyway, I'm walking down and I heard the song and then tuned it out not to really think about the whole "christmas" thing and the depressing feeling I get and then all of a sudden something dawned on me.... I thought, HOLLY SHIT! I MADE UP A FUCKING CHARACTER!!!


Yes, I often write some random fucked up shit on my blog and tonight is just one of those nights when I'm going to do just that! but before I do, let me just share that this past week in my Psychology class, my Professor told us that Schizophrenics had an incredible poetic like creative tendencies and that they were completely harmless for the most part.  Additionally, when he went down the list of the different characteristics of a schizophrenic, I must admit that I began to fear that that is just what I may be, so without further a do, let me share with you that Jazzy is a schizophrenic with a poetic creative crazy tendency and an imagination that has lead her to create beautiful amazing characters in her mind.....


There I was on Broadway, understanding my mind from what I'm learning and hoping that I can hold it together long enough to learn enough to hopefully understand myself and others in a way that I may one day be one who with my past experiences and own crazy tendencies may be able to help someone who may feel that they too are crazy! No, I am not the only one with these tendencies actually most humans have various schizophrenic tendencies which is why we sometimes think we are crazy, well, I'm sorry to have to be the one to confirm that if you are reading this you probably are in fact a bit of that, but it's cool! my professor who is a Yale graduate who has contributed to Psychological research has written books and is completely and absolutely awesome, is completely insane! that's fucking awesome and lets me know that I still have hope! 


Ok, my completely fabricated character I created about 3 years ago I created him because I was going through a very difficult time in my life.  I met this person and began to talk to this person and never once allowed him to talk, instead I was doing all the talking and all the answering.  I asked and his silence gave me the opportunity to create which ever character I felt would be best for me to deal with the situation I was going through.  He was sort of my imaginary friend, but as an adult.  I used this person to shelter myself from loving, giving and allowing love back into my life.  I utilized what I imagined this character to be to wee out all the men that would try to come close to me and didn't fit the description of this "perfect man" that I had created.  I even created an email for him so that I could write him letters and he meaning me, could respond back to me saying whatever it is that "the perfect man" would say back.  He was absolutely magical.  I even had a picture of what he looked like in my mind.  He was tall, dark hair, big dark brown eyes, beautiful lips, masculine body, soft spoken, well educated, intelligent, honest, sincere, loving and kind.


After making up this character, surely no man that came anywhere near me could even remotely compare! why he was the absolute image of perfection and any woman would be crazy not to fall madly in love with him.  I thought of writing whole stories about this character, there were times when I would make up a whole story in my mind about him but by the time I would get to a pen and paper my mind would go blank, I couldn't put on a page my thoughts about this strange character that I had created for so long in my mind.  It got so bad that I began to think he was real, I began to feel him as if he were present in my life, I could almost feel his touch when I would masturbate and think of him, he was as real as any man walking down a New York street.  I would look at men on the street and wonder if they were him.  What if that was the one I would often think to myself! I saw him only in my thoughts and in my dreams it was the best fucking relationship I had ever had in my life.  I had a relationship with me, because all along I was doing me! LITERALLY!


One day, I went on this website to talk to people and to sort of get new friends so that I could promote my blog some way.  I started talking to many different individuals and one day, there he was! the guy, the one I had imagined in my thoughts and then there he was again and again and again and again and again!!! And all of a sudden I realized one very important thing that I had failed to realize for so long.  I realized that every single person that crosses one's path, has so many wonderful qualities of those that we like, that if for one minute we just stop and analyze and give people many people a fair chance, they will ultimately have all the different wonderful qualities that we hope to find in someone.  


This character that I imagined all that time really did exist and does and will continue to, but it is up to me to allow these characters to come into or not into my life.  I don't want them to, I don't have anything to give I don't have anything to share I don't have anything to contribute I am selfish and love myself so much now, that I have become this bitch that just doesn't give a fuck! I don't care that it's christmas! I don't care that the songs remind me of a fabricated character! I don't care that I don't have someone to buy me a christmas gift I have chosen this path and I like it! I chose: when, how and who and I am the boss of me! and no of course no one will ever understand me fully (except maybe my professor) but that is ok, because I don't give a fuck! I have my own agenda and if you don't want to roll with me and by my side, then you can roll the fuck away from me because guess what??? I WON'T GIVE A FUCK! 


Conclusion to this story???? there is none, the point is that when you are doing you, then it doesn't matter who comes with you or not at the end of the road when you are in your dying bed, you have to think that you made all the choices in your life and that you lived your life the way you felt you had to live it for you! if someone wants to walk that path with you and call themselves your partner then that's absolutely amazing and you are completely lucky, but if no one does then that's ok too! we have the capability of being happy without that it's ok! I have found so many wonderful characters lately I don't know which one of them is more awesome! and NO I DO NOT KISS THEM! I DO NOT FUCK THEM! but if I ever choose to then I will! BECAUSE I CAN DO WHATEVER THE FUCK I WANT!!!


HOW FUCKING COOL IS THAT!!!!! So! this christmas is my first in 3 years where I can honestly say that I am COMPLETELY happy with my choices...... and I am continuing to DO ME! LITERALLY!!! But that's cool! because doing me is way better then doing........ AN IMAGINARY FABRICATED CHARACTER!!!!!


Please listen to this lovely Christmas song: Over the Rhine -  All I ever get for Christmas is blue
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XyK7iXVhLEs

Friday, December 2, 2011

SHORT SHITTY STORY!

I haven't been writing as much as I would like to.  This makes me very sad, but I always think about my journal and all the things I wish I had time to write about.  I'm so happy that in a few weeks, it will be a year since I started my journal and I have been loyal to it.  When I started I said that I had waited to start this journal because I wanted to make sure that when I did start, I could stay true to it.  That I sure have.  I feel proud of myself for this.  


Below is a short story if you can even call it that, that I started to write but couldn't quite finish.  It's fiction, I wrote it trying to apply some of the things I learned in the creative writing class that I took over the summer.  I don't know if it's good, but as my writing teacher said, most of what we write is shit!




Jazzy's short fictional story


*************************************************************************
She sat on the bench that overlooked the lagoon and all of a sudden, she felt a revelation; it was one from her love, the one that for so long was her inspiration.  He was long gone now, she did not know where he'd gone, the last time she had seen him was in that empty train station.  There, they shared a long passionate kiss full of love.  After their long soft deep kiss, he got on the train, and she never saw him again.  It was as if the crust from the earth had lifted and out of the upper mantle a hand had snatched him up and swallowed him whole! where could he be? Why had he gone? What about that first and last kiss that they had shared didn't he like?

But that day, 3 years later as she was sitting on the bench that overlooked the lagoon, she felt him, she could sense him almost and in her thoughts she spoke to him.....

My love......why do you torment me so? I feel like you are always present, my thoughts of you follow me wherever I go.  I heard that song, the one we spoke about.  Why were you talking to me again? the game is over, I told you you'd won.  As she sat in the bench talking to him in her thoughts, she couldn't help but to think of the scene in that movie the Bran Strokers  Dracula, the scene where the main character is walking down a street and from the sky there are always a pair of big dark pearsing eyes that follow her.  They look down on her with love, and she can almost feel him.  That's how she felt, she felt as though he was always with her no matter where she went and that day she felt him stronger, just there lingering near her, yet she was not sure if he was dead or if this was all just in her mind maybe he was just a made up character of her own maybe she had imagined the kiss in the train station, maybe she wasn't even sitting on a bench.  



But all of it felt so real to her.  She even heard a song once that reminded her of it all and she had cried, and in that moment she knew he still owned her heart.  No matter what anyone else did, it would never hurt her so, because no other could compare.  She had shared her body with many, but her heart belonged to him.  Or maybe, the song reminded her of the love so true she never had, a love that was only in her thoughts and imagination.  The kind of love she had watched un fold in countless movies, the kind that one day would be real in her own life.  A love that would not only be in her imagination, but one that she could touch and share not one, but countless kisses with.  


Why oh why do you haunt me so? she kept thinking.   Maybe he was still alive? maybe he wasn't deep in the earth?  She just sat there blank faced staring out at the water, tears rolling down her face.  All of a sudden she remembered that the only moment she had was that one, and she would no longer waste her moments wondering and thinking of him.  She wiped her tears and began to admire the swans and the birds and the water and the sky.  She smiled, life sure was beautiful.....


I'll be seeing you - By Billie Holiday.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rXLB32n6lq8&feature=fvsr

What happens in Vegas!

 Dear Journal - I know it has been sometime since I last wrote but as of late, my life has been pretty busy! I came on here tonight to write...