Ok, so I know that I have said that I have not had a boyfriend in like forever and the other day I wrote about AJ who I was falling in love with http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2012/06/f-trust-issues.html and I wrote about how I had never met him in person and how I had this strong emotional bond and strange virtual I guess is the right term for it, relationship with him, but AJ and I although we both had agreed that we wanted to be more then just friends, had not officially called each other a couple because I wasn't comfortable with that term if the person I call my man, is not someone I actually see and have a sexual relationship with.
But, there is someone I have never written about on my blog and the reason why I had not done so, was because I tend to hold off on certain things because their is a sensitivity issue that I always have to keep in mind. Meaning, that my blog all of a sudden has become a journal of real time events things that are currently going on in my life and I don't know how I feel about this. My journal was intended to be about past stories, and at first that is what I was doing, but all of a sudden I found myself writing things that happened to me not long ago or not long enough ago to really post. However, there are still things that I hold back from telling, because I quite honestly have no clue as to who reads my journal and I don't want to write about someone that I am having some sort of virtual or real life relationship with and then, they read it and take it out of context. I notice that people that know that I have written about them, won't say anything to me about it and so I am not sure that it is fair to someone, that I write about him and then they find out and not feel comfortable with it. Although I never write any names, it's still something personal maybe to them, but to me, although it is also very personal, I decided to be true to my journal and write on here, the true events of my past and present and hope that I don't offend or hurt anyone, with what I write.
Back in October of 2011, I didn't only meet AJ, I also met someone else by the name of Tim. Tim sent me an email on Tagged and he and I became really cool friends. When Tim wrote me, I found him very attractive but I didn't feel any sort of romantic anything for him. I thought he was just really cool to talk to and actually, I would often talk to him about AJ and what was going on between us. Tim in turn, would tell me about his then girlfriend, who was someone he was dating where he was stationed in the Navy. Tim was abroad in Asia and getting to know him as an individual was a true pleasure. He would randomly message me and sometimes we would talk on the phone. One day, he asked me if I had Skype, I never video chat with anyone, because although it appears as though I don't have an actual outside of the virtual world a "real life" I do have quite the life, my life entails lots of school work, lots of time with my children and of course my work life which is how I survive. I do go out with friends when I can and yes although I have a few virtual friends that I am in touch with and have never met, I also have some that I have went out on a date with or just hung out with and for whatever reason there is no romantic chemistry and we are just friends. But with Tim, it was a bit different, he asked me once if I had skype and because I didn't, I created an account so that I could meet my friend who was serving our country and I had this tremendous admiration and love for. So I got a skype account and one day, we spoke on there.
When this happened, I was no longer talking to AJ, I had stopped talking to him and I was suffering from a bit of a broken heart, Tim and I got on Skype and my initial thought upon seeing him on camera was. OH WOW! he's really hot! we began to talk about everything, he and I could have conversations about literally any subject at all. We spoke about sex, but in a very technical way, he knew that I did not see him in a romantic way, so he was always very respectful, being his friend and being able to tell him all my dirt was really awesome, likewise, he would tell me all about the girls he would date, who he loved, what he was going through, etc. One day, he told me that he couldn't keep to himself anymore how he felt about me and he expressed to me that he wanted to be my boyfriend. I will admit I was not shocked, because I sort of knew that he had romantic feelings for me, although I used to always tell him that I only saw him as a friend. However, because I had, had the opportunity to get to know him at that point for like 4 months, when he told me finally how he felt and since I was single and no longer talking to AJ, I decided that he was really awesome and that I wanted to give myself a chance to be with someone truly nice that was showing me all the things a man shows a woman when he truly likes her.
He asked me if I would be his girlfriend and I told him I would under one condition, the condition was that we could have an open relationship. We both agreed that because he was in the military in another continent, it wasn't fair for either of us to not be able to I guess take care of our human needs if the need aroused, I told him that I understood that he was a man and he had needs and he told me that he understood that I was a woman in my prime and I also had them, we began to have a relationship and here is what happened.
I felt sick like throwing up, I felt like I was hyperventilating, I would often have to control myself because I would get that feeling like I needed to run away and would control myself from telling him to disappear due to my commitment fear. But I would breath deep and control myself and my anxiety, I had decided that I was ready to be someone's girlfriend and I was going to force myself. We both got this free texting app that we were able to txt each other everyday, we would skype like twice a week and it was going the way a relationship is supposed to go, I guess. I felt awkward though and a bit fake though, because in my heart, this whole thing was not real, in my heart I could not stop thinking about AJ and deep inside I missed being just Tim's friend. I liked him so much because he was so awesome, but I didn't feel it, that romantic feeling that I require in order to truly commit to someone.
To me, commitment is not a chore, commitment is a feeling. When I commit to someone, I don't do it with words, I just begin to feel that way about the person and even if we don't say it, or even if that person isn't giving me the same, I just begin to feel that sense of belonging, that sense that no one else in the world will do. I am afraid that, I did not feel that sense of belonging with Tim, I just felt like he was my friend and someone I had given my word to that I would be his lady and therefore I had to respect him, because he was my boyfriend. I told my family about him and my kids and he we had discussed me going to Asia to visit him and just all sorts of possibilities on how we would be meeting. He is originally from NY so we had discussed what sort of jobs he wanted when he came home and even talked about moving, because he said he would do anything to make me happy, even moving away if that is what I wanted. God he was such an awesome man! as I write this, I feel so sad that I might of hurt him, yet I don't really know if I did.
What happened was that one day he told me, that he know that I probably wanted us to link our FB page and be in a relationship on there, but that he was waiting for the right time because he wanted to tell his parents about me and for me to meet them and go with my kids to his parents house. When he told me this, inside I freaked out even more! I kept feeling like I couldn't breath when that thought would cross my mind. Actually, typing that last phrase made me feel a little sick, it wasn't that he wasn't worth it, it's just that I didn't feel that way in my heart and I didn't feel ready for any of that stuff. I told him I didn't care if our pages were linked and that he could take his time telling his parents. What I did not tell him, was that I didn't have the intention to ever really meet anyone because this whole ordeal seemed fake to me. One day, I went on his page where I met him which was Tagged and I don't know there was something on there that annoyed me and I said something to him about it and that is where our drama began, but it wasn't really any drama, it was me, making a reason to stop talking to him because I wasn't ready to give him what he wanted. I also, had this huge trust issue that I could not let go of, even though I had known him for a few months as a friend and knew all his dirt and vice versa, I couldn't allow myself to completely trust. Also, I knew in my heart who I had true romantic feelings for but I wanted to to forget him and give someone awesome a chance. God I hate that! I hate when the really good ones, the ones you know in your heart are a good catch are the ones we don't want. WHAT IS MY PROBLEM????
Anyway, I went away to my country on vacation while he and I were together and while I was there, I saw someone who I had a romantic tie to in the past and well, he and I you know, were intimate. After doing that, even though Tim and I had said we would have an open relationship, I felt like I had cheated on my boyfriend who did not deserve that and I used the excuse of the social network site to break things off with him. At that point I did not really do it on purpose, meaning I didn't even realize that I was using that as an excuse until just now when I wrote this. Meaning, I had to find a reason to break things off with him, and blame him for my wrong doing although I technically had not done anything wrong because he and I had an agreement to have an open relationship, I just don't feel that I was really capable to have an open relationship and sleep with someone else while you are my boyfriend.
The day I choose to commit to someone, I will be loyal to them with my thoughts, my heart, my body and my soul. That is a true commitment that is real and that is the only way I will do it. I am not a young girl that can call someone my boyfriend but then behind his back talk to other men and sleep with someone else or flirt or any of that. When I love someone, I develop the upmost loyalty for that person, I don't see anyone else as attractive, I don't think of anyone else, I am with that person, mind, body and soul, that's just how I am.
I broke things off with him and told him we could not even be friends. I did that, because I knew that being friends would be difficult for him and I. I wanted to let him go, so that he could be happy with someone who truly deserved him, I did not. He is such an absolute catch! I swear that these things only happen to me! but how can I control my heart when it does whatever it wants to! I cannot force myself to feel what I do not and I will not be unfair to someone based on me being selfish. I did not see him in that way, and therefore I set him free so that someone who is worthy of him, can have that opportunity. I think of him all the time because he was my friend first and I got to know him as such, but we have not spoken since February.
For the first time this morning I went on his Facebook page, to see his picture, I took him off my friends list because I felt that I needed to completely cut him off of my life so that we could both move on. I wasn't able to be his friend because I felt like If I continued to be, it would not be healthy for either of us. I felt pressured by him and I also still had these strong feelings for AJ and just wanted to take time away from people. When I went on his page this morning, I felt sad, because I miss my friend Tim, but I think it's best to let the wounds fully heal before I reach out to him. I do not know if I hurt him or if all the things he told me were lies, but I was always honest with him until I broke things off with the pre-tense of some nonsense on an internet website which was really stupid. I wonder how he is doing, I hope he is well. I hope he didn't go back to his ex girlfriend who completely took advantage of his kindness and generosity. He is such an amazing man, why couldn't my heart feel, what my head thought?
I don't know, I just feel that the time is not now for me to be in a commitment, I have this feeling that one day when I least expect it, when I am done with all the things that I have on my agenda, then and only then, will it be right and so in the meantime, I will not use or lie or pretend that I am capable of giving anyone anything that I cannot. I feel lonely sometimes, of course I do, but I rather feel lonely, than to be with someone and it all be a lie, it all be a lie in my heart. I may be able to go on my blog and make up some story and lie to the world (which I don't ever do) but I cannot and will not lie to myself.
Quote: "I am naked before you, yet you have never seen my naked body"
Author: Jazzy
But, there is someone I have never written about on my blog and the reason why I had not done so, was because I tend to hold off on certain things because their is a sensitivity issue that I always have to keep in mind. Meaning, that my blog all of a sudden has become a journal of real time events things that are currently going on in my life and I don't know how I feel about this. My journal was intended to be about past stories, and at first that is what I was doing, but all of a sudden I found myself writing things that happened to me not long ago or not long enough ago to really post. However, there are still things that I hold back from telling, because I quite honestly have no clue as to who reads my journal and I don't want to write about someone that I am having some sort of virtual or real life relationship with and then, they read it and take it out of context. I notice that people that know that I have written about them, won't say anything to me about it and so I am not sure that it is fair to someone, that I write about him and then they find out and not feel comfortable with it. Although I never write any names, it's still something personal maybe to them, but to me, although it is also very personal, I decided to be true to my journal and write on here, the true events of my past and present and hope that I don't offend or hurt anyone, with what I write.
Back in October of 2011, I didn't only meet AJ, I also met someone else by the name of Tim. Tim sent me an email on Tagged and he and I became really cool friends. When Tim wrote me, I found him very attractive but I didn't feel any sort of romantic anything for him. I thought he was just really cool to talk to and actually, I would often talk to him about AJ and what was going on between us. Tim in turn, would tell me about his then girlfriend, who was someone he was dating where he was stationed in the Navy. Tim was abroad in Asia and getting to know him as an individual was a true pleasure. He would randomly message me and sometimes we would talk on the phone. One day, he asked me if I had Skype, I never video chat with anyone, because although it appears as though I don't have an actual outside of the virtual world a "real life" I do have quite the life, my life entails lots of school work, lots of time with my children and of course my work life which is how I survive. I do go out with friends when I can and yes although I have a few virtual friends that I am in touch with and have never met, I also have some that I have went out on a date with or just hung out with and for whatever reason there is no romantic chemistry and we are just friends. But with Tim, it was a bit different, he asked me once if I had skype and because I didn't, I created an account so that I could meet my friend who was serving our country and I had this tremendous admiration and love for. So I got a skype account and one day, we spoke on there.
When this happened, I was no longer talking to AJ, I had stopped talking to him and I was suffering from a bit of a broken heart, Tim and I got on Skype and my initial thought upon seeing him on camera was. OH WOW! he's really hot! we began to talk about everything, he and I could have conversations about literally any subject at all. We spoke about sex, but in a very technical way, he knew that I did not see him in a romantic way, so he was always very respectful, being his friend and being able to tell him all my dirt was really awesome, likewise, he would tell me all about the girls he would date, who he loved, what he was going through, etc. One day, he told me that he couldn't keep to himself anymore how he felt about me and he expressed to me that he wanted to be my boyfriend. I will admit I was not shocked, because I sort of knew that he had romantic feelings for me, although I used to always tell him that I only saw him as a friend. However, because I had, had the opportunity to get to know him at that point for like 4 months, when he told me finally how he felt and since I was single and no longer talking to AJ, I decided that he was really awesome and that I wanted to give myself a chance to be with someone truly nice that was showing me all the things a man shows a woman when he truly likes her.
He asked me if I would be his girlfriend and I told him I would under one condition, the condition was that we could have an open relationship. We both agreed that because he was in the military in another continent, it wasn't fair for either of us to not be able to I guess take care of our human needs if the need aroused, I told him that I understood that he was a man and he had needs and he told me that he understood that I was a woman in my prime and I also had them, we began to have a relationship and here is what happened.
I felt sick like throwing up, I felt like I was hyperventilating, I would often have to control myself because I would get that feeling like I needed to run away and would control myself from telling him to disappear due to my commitment fear. But I would breath deep and control myself and my anxiety, I had decided that I was ready to be someone's girlfriend and I was going to force myself. We both got this free texting app that we were able to txt each other everyday, we would skype like twice a week and it was going the way a relationship is supposed to go, I guess. I felt awkward though and a bit fake though, because in my heart, this whole thing was not real, in my heart I could not stop thinking about AJ and deep inside I missed being just Tim's friend. I liked him so much because he was so awesome, but I didn't feel it, that romantic feeling that I require in order to truly commit to someone.
To me, commitment is not a chore, commitment is a feeling. When I commit to someone, I don't do it with words, I just begin to feel that way about the person and even if we don't say it, or even if that person isn't giving me the same, I just begin to feel that sense of belonging, that sense that no one else in the world will do. I am afraid that, I did not feel that sense of belonging with Tim, I just felt like he was my friend and someone I had given my word to that I would be his lady and therefore I had to respect him, because he was my boyfriend. I told my family about him and my kids and he we had discussed me going to Asia to visit him and just all sorts of possibilities on how we would be meeting. He is originally from NY so we had discussed what sort of jobs he wanted when he came home and even talked about moving, because he said he would do anything to make me happy, even moving away if that is what I wanted. God he was such an awesome man! as I write this, I feel so sad that I might of hurt him, yet I don't really know if I did.
What happened was that one day he told me, that he know that I probably wanted us to link our FB page and be in a relationship on there, but that he was waiting for the right time because he wanted to tell his parents about me and for me to meet them and go with my kids to his parents house. When he told me this, inside I freaked out even more! I kept feeling like I couldn't breath when that thought would cross my mind. Actually, typing that last phrase made me feel a little sick, it wasn't that he wasn't worth it, it's just that I didn't feel that way in my heart and I didn't feel ready for any of that stuff. I told him I didn't care if our pages were linked and that he could take his time telling his parents. What I did not tell him, was that I didn't have the intention to ever really meet anyone because this whole ordeal seemed fake to me. One day, I went on his page where I met him which was Tagged and I don't know there was something on there that annoyed me and I said something to him about it and that is where our drama began, but it wasn't really any drama, it was me, making a reason to stop talking to him because I wasn't ready to give him what he wanted. I also, had this huge trust issue that I could not let go of, even though I had known him for a few months as a friend and knew all his dirt and vice versa, I couldn't allow myself to completely trust. Also, I knew in my heart who I had true romantic feelings for but I wanted to to forget him and give someone awesome a chance. God I hate that! I hate when the really good ones, the ones you know in your heart are a good catch are the ones we don't want. WHAT IS MY PROBLEM????
Anyway, I went away to my country on vacation while he and I were together and while I was there, I saw someone who I had a romantic tie to in the past and well, he and I you know, were intimate. After doing that, even though Tim and I had said we would have an open relationship, I felt like I had cheated on my boyfriend who did not deserve that and I used the excuse of the social network site to break things off with him. At that point I did not really do it on purpose, meaning I didn't even realize that I was using that as an excuse until just now when I wrote this. Meaning, I had to find a reason to break things off with him, and blame him for my wrong doing although I technically had not done anything wrong because he and I had an agreement to have an open relationship, I just don't feel that I was really capable to have an open relationship and sleep with someone else while you are my boyfriend.
The day I choose to commit to someone, I will be loyal to them with my thoughts, my heart, my body and my soul. That is a true commitment that is real and that is the only way I will do it. I am not a young girl that can call someone my boyfriend but then behind his back talk to other men and sleep with someone else or flirt or any of that. When I love someone, I develop the upmost loyalty for that person, I don't see anyone else as attractive, I don't think of anyone else, I am with that person, mind, body and soul, that's just how I am.
I broke things off with him and told him we could not even be friends. I did that, because I knew that being friends would be difficult for him and I. I wanted to let him go, so that he could be happy with someone who truly deserved him, I did not. He is such an absolute catch! I swear that these things only happen to me! but how can I control my heart when it does whatever it wants to! I cannot force myself to feel what I do not and I will not be unfair to someone based on me being selfish. I did not see him in that way, and therefore I set him free so that someone who is worthy of him, can have that opportunity. I think of him all the time because he was my friend first and I got to know him as such, but we have not spoken since February.
For the first time this morning I went on his Facebook page, to see his picture, I took him off my friends list because I felt that I needed to completely cut him off of my life so that we could both move on. I wasn't able to be his friend because I felt like If I continued to be, it would not be healthy for either of us. I felt pressured by him and I also still had these strong feelings for AJ and just wanted to take time away from people. When I went on his page this morning, I felt sad, because I miss my friend Tim, but I think it's best to let the wounds fully heal before I reach out to him. I do not know if I hurt him or if all the things he told me were lies, but I was always honest with him until I broke things off with the pre-tense of some nonsense on an internet website which was really stupid. I wonder how he is doing, I hope he is well. I hope he didn't go back to his ex girlfriend who completely took advantage of his kindness and generosity. He is such an amazing man, why couldn't my heart feel, what my head thought?
I don't know, I just feel that the time is not now for me to be in a commitment, I have this feeling that one day when I least expect it, when I am done with all the things that I have on my agenda, then and only then, will it be right and so in the meantime, I will not use or lie or pretend that I am capable of giving anyone anything that I cannot. I feel lonely sometimes, of course I do, but I rather feel lonely, than to be with someone and it all be a lie, it all be a lie in my heart. I may be able to go on my blog and make up some story and lie to the world (which I don't ever do) but I cannot and will not lie to myself.
Quote: "I am naked before you, yet you have never seen my naked body"
Author: Jazzy
just as an FYI, I read your blog religiously when am not in school, and I thought "that" Tim was me!, after all, I do love you! LOL
ReplyDeletedont stop being you hun!
Tim, I love you too! and thank you for reading my blog. BTW, before I posted it, I was going to send you a txt to warn you that I posting this. Anyhow, I love you and K so much! you guys are my closest friends and I appreciate you very much!
DeleteAlso, you are my "boyfriend" you are my boy and friend :)
DeleteYou are definitely learning about yourself through relationships (and non-relationships). Sometimes it takes a lot to learn what you can and cannot deal with in life. Just stay true to yourself and you will persevere.
ReplyDeleteSwansti!
Thank you Swansti! I am learning a great deal and it's awesome. I love to learn :)
Delete