Dear Journal -
How the hell are you? holy shit! it's been almost 3 weeks since I've last visited you and I feel a bit ashamed! I promise I have thought about you and written journals in my head time and time again, but for some reason, it's been hard to find the actual time to sit and write and to be quite honest, there isn't anything too exciting to report, so there hasn't been anything like meaningful or big enough to share! What can I say, my life isn't that exciting!
Let's see, I finally finished reading the book why men love bitches and I really liked the ending of the book because by the ending of the book, the author talks about the things women do when they are married or in long term committed relationships that really start to turn their man off or sort of makes that relationship like I don't know, start to look like a mother child type relationship if that makes sense. I really enjoyed reading about this because I never thought of it that way, like she talks about how our nagging starts to make us look motherly and therefore no longer attractive to our significant other! HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!! I never want that to happen to me in some future relationship! so note to self, no nagging in the future! When I wrote about the book I had not finished it and I was a little bitter about the games she suggests we need to play, but in reality, as hard as you try not to play games you end up having to because men just really love them! they say they don't, but they really do and that is all I'm going to say about that!
Last Friday was my exe's bday, I tried really hard all day long not to think about it and then at like 7 or 8 o'clock, I did what I had told myself I wouldn't do, I finally sent him a message and all it said was.... Happy Bday. I know that it doesn't seem like much or anything wrong with it, but I wished him well although on my bday his message to me was "I hope you die bitch" I don't want to really expose much of him on here because it isn't my place to talk badly about another human being, but I just want to say that he was not like this at all when I met him and I never ever thought that in the end of it all, he would turn into such a vicious angry toward me person, you would think I did something horrible to him like cheat on him for months with his best friend or something crazy like that. Actually in the end he sort of left me so I just want to say on here journal that if I am ever in a relationship again, I hope to be with someone that understands that I want to write about us on my journal because I think it will be important to not only write about the bad things but also write about the good! Like for instance, my ex was a very thoughtful gift giver, he always gave me really nice things and had a reason behind what he gave me and I promise you that he isn't a bad person and no matter what mean shit he says about me now and no matter how much it still hurts me that he does, I will never sit here and write horrible things about another human being, I just don't know how to do that!
Anyway, I woke up this morning to a message from a mutual friend of ours, telling me that he had spoken to my ex and that my ex had said "if I ever see that bitch I will kill her" What the actual fuck! he also said a bunch of other mean things that I won't bother writing about, but when I read that stuff I tried to really not care about it, but later on while I was driving I couldn't help but to cry because the truth is that sticks and stones will break my bones but I rather a broken bone than those mean words that come out of his mouth toward me. I am not scared that he would actually kill me, but would he? I mean he lives in another state so I'm not to worried but WOW! how can so much love turn to so much hate? Our mutual friend actually defended me and told him that he was going to far saying that stuff and his responds was something to the affect of fuck that narcissistic bitch! now there is something I've never been called before! That is definitely a first!
Journal, his words truly hurt me deeply but there is good to all of this and that is that I don't think I am in love with him anymore which feels very freeing! for the first time in a long time I just don't feel any sort of deep emotions for anyone at all and sure I do like someone romantically actually I like two men romantically, but there is a big difference between like and like a lot or love! Like I feel free from the constraints of having romantic feelings toward anyone and my fear of ever loving again or getting emotionally attached to anyone is only growing by the day and I just feel so happy and free in the sense that nothing anyone does will affect me, I'm busy doing me! and I am busy taking care of mine and I don't have time to invest in people that don't have time to invest in me.
One thing I am learning is that I'm such a giver and holding back is really hard for me however I've been doing really good with that, and I am really proud of myself for it, like I won't give until I receive and I am not only talking about material things, actually I'm not talking about material things at all, I'm talking about my energy, my time, my emotions, my affection. I wait to receive and then I give and that is one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life, but there comes a time when you just have to step back and watch people's actions and pay attention to their intentions and really think about who you are giving yourself too. What I have seen is that no one at the moment is worthy of my love, no one at the moment is showing me anything that I want to see, no one at the moment is even close to getting all of me and that's ok, because I'm not desperately seeking to give it to anyone anyway!
I got off of dating sites but plan to get back on them soon, I just needed a break from liars and users and fakes and people that just suck my energy! but I have to get back on them for you journal, because you are worth it!
Ta ta!
I will leave you with.... Halsey - Without Me....
