HIS HAT

He came over to my old apartment about a year and a half ago and forgot his hat.  When I found it I just felt like smelling it and it smelled like sweaty hair.  I wondered why the smell didn't bother me but realized that it wouldn't because I was so fond of him.  When I became upset with him I told him that he had left his stupid smelly hat in my house and that I was going to throw that nasty shit away....but of course I did not.  I kept it, I packed it when I moved, I unpacked it in my new apartment and I put it in the drawer with all my other winter hats.


I sometimes get these random text messages on my phone and I always hope that they are from him.  I miss my friend always.  I just want us to make up and be ok and be able to sit at McDonald's like we once did and talk about all the crazy thoughts we both used to have, it was so awesome being part of his life and sex ruined it all.  SEX! it ALWAYS RUINS FRIENDSHIPS! If I could turn back time, I would of never ever ever shared not one kiss with him, only to have his friendship.  


The reason why I'm on here writing this short post is because so many people go in and out of my life, but it is he who I always remember and some people they are just significant in the way they helped me grow.  He was one of those people that did just that, he helped me grow, he reminded me of what friendship and love is supposed to look like.  


I was cleaning my apartment today and I found the hat, actually I wore it the other day, but that day I didn't put to much thought into it.  My mom had taken it out of the drawer and hung it up so that I could see it and wear it, she did not know that the hat had a special story.  I grabbed it the other day and said, I'm going to wear his stupid hat and then thought, God I wish I could take a picture and send it to him.  But today something else happened, I saw the hat again and grabbed it and decided to smell it to see if it still had the funky hair smell and what do you know, it still did.... My eyes watered and I felt really sad..... God I sure do miss my friend.  I hope he is well.


This song is more related to love, but when I was writing this post it came to my mind.... lovely song.


I MISS YOU, BY: Klymaxx


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vtuuZ9oL0wY

Dear Journal: 11-26-11

Dear Journal:


If I wrote on here how happy I am about life today I would be completely lying.  I'm not very happy at all, last night my mom went back home and I feel so lost.  God I miss her already, I can't wait until one day I finally figure it all out, except I don't know what I'm supposed to figure out.


Journal, a few years ago someone betrayed my trust so severely, that after that my fear factor is so high, I am starting to notice that this is a bigger problem then I thought.  But how do you begin to trust again? when it is so scary.  I am always honest to everyone that tries to come into my life.  I always tell them exactly what I'm trying to do with my life, where I see it going, what I'm looking for and yet people still think that they can just come into my life and in a short amount of time, gain all of my trust they feel that I'm supposed to just open up and let them in.  That just doesn't work for me, I am not capable of doing such a thing.


I trusted someone so completely once and he turned out to be a fraud a liar and a fake.  How am I supposed to just meet people now and give them the benefit of the doubt when it's so scary? yet this is something that is really really affecting my relationships and I am fully aware that I need to really work on it.  No, I don't need to work on it for people, I need to work on it for me, because i'm not being fair to myself, everyone is not the same and everyone is not out to get me.


So yesterday I stop by the street vendor to get a new cover for my IPhone and I ask him to show me which of the covers are hard cover because I constantly drop my phone.  Anyway, he shows me one that has a leopard print back and I look up at him and say, OH NO.... JAZZY DOESN'T DO LEOPARD! I continued by saying, I am a cougar though but that doesn't mean I have to wear leopard prints.  The vendor tried to keep a straight face but couldn't help but to grin and I just started laughing and made him comfortable enough that he knew I was joking, (not about the leopard print though, JAZZY REALLY DOES NOT DO LEOPARD!) He proceeds to show me other phone covers then I look at him and say, well maybe I should go wild and crazy and get the one with the bling! so now we are both laughing and I proceed to tell him, that I do date younger men so I should dress accordingly and we  laugh even harder.

 The vendor was a 52 year old african american man with dreadlocks.  When he told me his age, I was like, ARE YOU SERIOUS! you look no older then 40 and he told me how he could see why I would attract younger men because I was very young looking myself and we start talking about how I'm on my way to go get a hair cut and we just get into this deep conversation about life and all of a sudden he is showing me a picture of his girlfriend and her short hair cut and then asks me for my opinion on the following..... 


He says Jazz... yes he did say Jazz because by this time we had been talking for like 15 minutes and I had showed him my pictures with my really really short hair and he had told me about when he lived in Japan and I had told him that I've been married 2x and we were just talking about so many things and so he says Jazz, you seem like an intelligent mature woman and I want your opinion.... I am thinking about proposing to my lady friend, but I'm not sure if she is going to say yes, because she has been through so much in the past, I'm afraid she won't want to because of her past experiences, but I love her so much and I know that I want to spend the rest of my life with her.


I looked at him in awe!! and I said, you know what the problem is, the problem is that as we get older and have all this past baggage, we often allow all that baggage to stay with us and don't allow ourselves the opportunity for a fresh start and no matter how hard we try to leave the past, we are constantly stuck there.  And as the words were coming out of my mouth, I realized that I had hurt someone the night before with my words, I told him I didn't trust him, yet I didn't really know him long enough not to trust him I haven't given him the chance to prove that he isn't lying, I was judging him based on my past experiences.  I just automatically always assume that everyone is out to get me and lie to me the way someone else did.  There it was, right in front of me, the sign, the signs that are everywhere but we are too blind to recognize them.  On a street corner of Broadway in NYC a complete stranger was teaching me a lesson, he was about to propose to a woman that was scared to give her all, because of her past experiences WOW! 


I told him that I had attended the School of Practical Philosophy and how there, I had learned that as we get older we just keep allowing the luggage to get heavier and heavier and that we forget that once upon a time, it wasn't that way.  How can I judge every single person that tries to come into my life, based on someone else's mistakes that he made that hurt me deeply? how is that fair to another person or myself? And then I thought about what I learned in my Psychology class last Wednesday, that we learn by different conditions and if one of the conditions is a hurtful event, then that is the thing we are most likely to fear and stay away from.  We walk around always been afraid due to past experiences and sometimes push away wonderful opportunities because of this.  Here this complete and total stranger is telling me he wants to propose to the woman that he loves, but he thinks she will say no because she's "been through so much" it made me feel so sad, because I bet that she has no idea how much this man truly loves her, she doubts him yet he is completely sure that he wants to spend the rest of his life with her.


I looked at him and I said, go and do it! tell her that you love her and want her by your side for the rest of your life, I bet she will say yes! and he looked at me and I could see the sincerity in his eyes when he said, really Jazz, you think so? and I was like I'm sure! and we gave each other a big hug and I wished him well and I told him that I was going to be back to see what happened.  That was so awesome! I left there feeling happy and hopeful and I kept thinking, God I need to learn to trust again.


I wish I could take my own advice, I really do.  I am going to try really hard to be more trusting again, I was so trusting once upon a time and I liked myself better then.  I am going to make an effort to really just let go of the fear that I always have when I start talking to someone new.  I am going to allow everyone the benefit of the doubt and hope that they are not out to get me, because if they are out to get me, they probably just want to get me... Like have me and make me happy or make me happier in my already happy life.  I am pretty happy for the most part, even if some nights I cry myself to sleep if I do so, it's because of a situation, not because I'm unhappy.  I can honestly say that I am happy with the way my life is looking, I feel good about life in general and I just need to allow myself and others, the opportunity to be innocent until proven guilty....

Nickelback - Someday [HD]

What I've learned about Jazzy

WOW! imagine being 40 years old and not being able to identify what your favorite genre of music is? yeah I know! that's weird! but, in my case it's really true.  For the last 4 years of my life, I have been trying to figure it out and I think I can finally answer the question....... The answer is, I DON'T KNOW!


I LOVE MUSIC all of it, the other day I went to a concerto at my school, I cried during the first piece which was an overture that was written for an opera that was meant to be a comedic opera but it also had to do with love, OF COURSE! Anyway, I was so deeply touched by the piece that I could hardly contain my tears, it was awesome! The thing about classical music is, that it's like art, you have to really listen and appreciate it, and when you know the history behind it all, it's just so awesome! 


I have to say that I am so glad that I am in school and finally getting to learn all about the things I have always wanted to learn about.   Everyday it's something new and exciting to me.  Sometimes I get frustrated and stressed out, but then others, like yesterday when I described a painting to my music professor in such a way that I myself was impressed with what I said, I couldn't believe that in the last 3 years I had actually learned something.  


Sometimes I will remember random things that I thought I forgot and I always smile, because for the last few years I have crammed up so much information in my mind, that I quite honestly feel like I know nothing at all.  Yet when I answer a question one of my professors is posing in such a way that my response pleases him and he looks at me and confirms to me by his head shake that I in fact am correct and that my answer makes full sense, especially about something that is not related to the subject of study.  I have to admit that it is in those moments, all my sacrifice and my tears feel like it is all worth it and that should I have to do it again, I would.  My description of the painting was so precise and well critiqued in fact, that one guy even looked back at me like.... Holy shit, that was pretty good! so I smiled.  


This post was not at all intended for me to brag about the fact that I remember a thing or two about my art class which was one of my favorites.  Actually, this post was intended for me to write about the fact that I have learned one or two things about myself in the last few years of being single and becoming familiar with myself.  I have said countless amount of times on my blog that all of my life I have jumped from relationship to relationship since I was 16 and how I never really knew who I was until now.  I didn't even know what my favorite type of music was.  


I was actually going to write about the fact that for the last year and a half, I have been listening on my IPhone, to a bunch of reggaeton music that my son had downloaded on my mac and how I don't love it to death, but how there is one song that I have really come to love and how I am going to translate it for anyone who isn't lucky enough to know my beautiful Spanish language but would love to know what this song says.  I really need to write more often, I always start out with one thought and go on a tangent about something completely different.  


My apologies reader, as I am just all over the place in terms of my thoughts today and usually when I write I just write, without some sort of outline in place.  I think of what I want to say and just sort of blur it out or write it.  But, this is my blog and I will go on a tangent if I want to.  


Anyway, without further a do.  Below is the translation to one of, if not my favorite reggaeton song on my IPhone.  Thank you son, without you, I would have absolutely no music on my phone, since I NEVER have the time to actually download anything... (insert sad face here) so, I pretty much don't have any songs I actually want to have on my IPhone and have no choice but to listen to my sons favorite music.... It's cool though, he's my baby!



TRANSLATION TO:


POR AMAR A SIEGAS - FOR BEING BLINDLY IN LOVE
BY: Arcangel


I asked a pastor about love and he told me to leave it up to God, not to feel lonely, that being alone was better then living with an illusion.


I asked an artist about love at first site and he told me that it was a big mistake, that it was for soap opera lovers and dreamers that in life one has to be more realistic.


And now that I don't have you, I think of all the time I wasted....wasted on you, why by loving you blindly I did not listen, and I threw myself at the precipice, all for love, everyone told me everyone warned me, that there are some flowers that have thorns.


I asked a man about love and he told me that to ignore it was best.  That I was young and that money should be more important then a thousand loves.


I asked an old man, far out in the boulevard about love and passions he said "my son, it's a double edged crystal and it cuts and hangs you from one string"


And now that I don't have you, I think of all the time I wasted....wasted on you, why by loving you blindly, I did not listen, and I threw myself at the precipice all for love, everyone told me everyone warned me, that there are some flowers that have thorns.


I asked my father about love and innocence and faith and patience and you know what he told me? "son it's always better to ignore your heart, listen to your conscience."


I asked my mother about the love I had for you and she said they were fantasies, that if I didn't believe it, with time I would learn that she was right.


And now that I don't have you, I think of all the time I wasted....wasted on you, why by loving you blindly, I did not listen, and I threw myself at the precipice all for love, everyone told me everyone warned me, that there are some flowers that have thorns....


........................................................................................................
Well, there you have it... Hope you enjoyed my translation, I really enjoy translating stuff I hate when google does it, it makes it all crazy and out of whack! I just want to add, BEWARE of who you give your beautiful love too, Love is the most amazing thing in the world! However, NOT EVERYONE DESERVES IT. 


You can enjoy the actual song by clicking on the link below.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-Ss89QBh6Vk

Dear Journal: November 13, 2011

OMG Journal, today was so funny! My professor let us out an hour early from class because the clock on the wall still had last weeks time.  The thing is, that when he said ok let's take the quiz so we can go, the quiz that we have every week at the end of the class, I looked at my phone and noticed the time and said to someone, what is he talking about and he looked at me and said, don't worry don't say anything.  I felt bad but I didn't want to be the class big mouth! It's funny that even as an adult in a classroom, there are still do's and don'ts like imagine I had raised my hand and told the Professor that he was wrong, everyone would of probably been annoyed at me.  After we walked out, some of the girls from the class had a whole bathroom discussion about it and we all agreed that it was better to keep our mouth shut! still, I left there feeling bad like I had done something wrong.  I felt better after I saw some other class mates and they mentioned that when almost everyone had gone, someone did in fact bring it to his attention, he said it was ok.  My poor Professor! he's really a cool man, I like him but this class is just so annoying with the pressure of the quiz every weekend.  UGH!


In other Jazzy news, I was on my way to class this morning talking to myself as I usually do in my car all alone hoping that I'm not like actually moving my lips and making facial gestures so that the cars that are near me don't think I am a complete loony bin! and as I was talking to myself, I kept telling myself that I CAN do this, because quite honestly as I told someone last night, sometimes I just want to QUIT! especially when I am in the mood for I don't know, doing something other then worrying about school work.


I often think of life and think to myself, GOD I wish I could of done it the other way around.  But I have to say that there is a reason for everyone's being and we all have a purpose and so maybe my purpose is to be an example to the young people that constantly want to be my friends or partake in my life in some way shape or form.  I always tell my young friends that.... THEY CAN DO IT! and how it is so important that they do so when they have the opportunity.  Yes, at 20 I was practically a drunk looser who had no life no future nothing going for her, my life could of been even worse.  I had absolutely no guidance, but now that I am older and a bit wiser, I realize how lucky I am that I live in a country where even at 40, I can make a positive difference in my life with just a little more determination.  How even at 40 I can educate myself and grow as a woman and human being.  I am so very lucky for all the wonderful things that I have.  So as I was talking to myself in my car I kept saying to myself, Jazz, one day you will look back at this car ride or at the fact that I am in school on Sunday's and I will think..... WOW! I remember when I used to have to go to school on Sunday's and how much I hated it.


I want to thank my wonderful friend E, for being so encouraging this last past week when I was really down feeling like just throwing the towel.  I realize now that real friends are those who recognize our efforts and grab our hands when we feel like we are drowning and no one wants to pull us out the water.  I don't even ever hang out with him, but he has seen me struggling from the first class I ever took when I would look at him during class and look confused and he would tell me after class that I could do it! He ALWAYS knows what to say to me when I am feeling down.  I don't even see him and all I need to do is send him a txt message expressing my sadness about my academic career and there he is, ready to say something encouraging.  HE'S SO AWESOME! 


Apart from that, life is good, lately, I have made a lot of new friends that are really just awesome! I want to talk about something else that is going on in my life that I am really happy about, but I don't want to ruin the wonderful magic about it, so I will keep this one to myself and write about it privately.  Hopefully, I can write about it publicly one day.  I will give you a hint though journal, it has to do with amazing people......


Ok, gonna go now and try to do some studying......... Good night journal.....


ps. I miss writing to you, because I know that you wait to know what happens next.......

Till death do us part or for your green card!

I once described my last marriage to someone, as a combination of the movie green card and fools rush in.  I wasn’t exaggerating either.  I have been married twice in my life, but when I think about other people’s marriages and compare them to mine, I don’t only feel depressed about it, I also feel annoyed that I didn’t get big bucks for doing having been married.

Most of us have heard the story of how most immigrants have gotten their green card by marrying someone for money, although marrying for money is illegal it is a fact and many have done it.  But, this post is not about how I didn’t commit a crime, it’s more about how pathetic I am and how I cried about the man that I really loved on the day of my first wedding day.  And how I married both times to provide a service which was helping both individuals with green cards and how I didn’t get paid for it.

I can’t even remember it well, all I know, is that I was with my re-bound and he seemed like a really good guy that would be a good step dad to my son.  My thought 16yrs ago was, that if I married someone while my oldest son was still a baby, then my son would have the opportunity to grow up with a male role model that would love him and raise him.  I remember that after my son’s dad and I broke up, I was desperate to find someone, because I wanted to find my son a “baby daddy” I know, crazy! right? so here came this guy, who my cousin suggested I date because “he’s so cool and has a car” and me not knowing any better at the age of 24 just jumped into this marriage.  

The day of my city hall wedding is a big blur to me, I only remember that I was wearing the ugliest pink suit and I bought some fake flowers outside of the court house.  But one thing that I can still feel as I write this, is the sadness I felt, when my then soon to be husband walked out of the car to go to the grocery store to buy batteries for our cheesy camera.  The moment he walked out of the car, I looked over at my best friend and broke down in tears.  She knew in that moment exactly why I was crying, I told her that I always thought I would marry him, my son’s dad.  She told me to get myself together because my future husband was walking back to the car.  The rest of the day is a blur to me, I remember the judge saying I pronounce you husband and wife and us leaving the place and going home.

I married him, because he needed a green card and I needed a baby daddy for my son.  My relationship didn’t last very long after that and to write about it would take me all night.  But I can honestly say that I had an adventure like no other with him.  He passed away about a year after we were divorced, he never got his green card and I never told him or anyone that I cried on my wedding day.  The only one that knew, was my friend, and now...... You.

Dear Journal - Nov. 3

Dear Journal:


I will make this really really quick.  I am tired and have to go to bed but I must share some great news.  No it isn't about how great I am doing in school because I am not and this makes me very sad.  I'm not doing well, not because I don't try, but because I am doing something wrong.  So, yesterday when I got my Psychology test results back and wanted to cry, I waited for class to end so I could talk to my Professor, who is AMAZING! I told him that I felt really bad because I had let him down.  He told me that he did not feel that way and that he wanted to know what was going on with me, because he knew that I can do better.  


I told him that I do study but that I feel like nothing stays in my brain and that I am really concerned about it.  So what does my awesome professor do? he sits down with me and starts to help me figure out what it is that I am doing wrong in terms of studying.   He made me realize one thing that I know for a fact and that was that I didn't trust.  


  
Trust, this is such a big issue in my life.  He told me that he wasn't out to get his students and that if I had trusted the information he told me to study instead of trying to memorize the entire text book, then I would of gotten a better grade on my test.  He genuinely cares for me as his student and this means a great deal to me.  He stood in class with me until 10:00 pm trying to analyze what my problem was! HE IS SOOOO AWESOME! He seriously looks just like Albert Einstein and is just as brilliant! I love and admire my wonderful professor who I will make proud with my next test.


But something even greater happened today that made me really, really happy.  I spoke to this wonderful guy who is to me just amazing! Why is he amazing? well, because although he has to struggle and go through hardships, he doesn't give up on his goals.  He is not a quitter and that is pretty damn awesome in my book! he is my hero and I am so extremely proud of him! I don't know if he ever reads my blogs.  I have written about him many times but I never told him I did.  I even wrote a poem for him once.  This time, I am going to send him this link because I don't care that he knows I write about him. 


Anyhow, I want the world and him to know, that I BELIEVE IN YOU! And you will go really far in life because I KNOW YOU CAN DO IT! Don't give up! YOU ARE A WINNER IN MY BOOK!


Good night Journal......