Someone Like You

Dear Journal -

I haven't written you in quite sometime, mainly because I am really busy with life and responsibilities and just always feeling like I don't have enough hours in my day to write about my life.  I've been mainly thinking about work, even when I'm home because I have a new job that I really love and feel so passionate about making a positive difference in.  Whenever I'm home, I'm busy with my kids and spending time with my boyfriend and then next thing you know it's time for bed and I'm too tired to write.  I write at work a whole lot though, which I really enjoy.  I picked up my laptop today to pay some bills and after I paid them I decided to come to this my favorite personal place, to look at you.  Suddenly, I remembered that I first wrote on here this my safe place, sometime around this time 5 years ago! and when I looked to see exactly what day was my very first post, it was yesterday my 5 year anniversary of having you! WOW! and while I don't write to you anywhere as near as I once did, I do want to tell you my sweet journal that I do often think of you and miss sharing so many things that often happen in my life.  5 years! wow, I still can't believe it.  I remember when you were but a simple thought in my mind, you were just a scary idea and then one day I got the nerve to start and once I did, it was so easy to just do it, just share, share my life with you!

So much has changed in my life in these 5 years journal, so many changes but all of them so great! a new home, in a new state, a new job, and most recently a new boyfriend.  I can't even begin to tell you how lucky I am with this new man in my life.  He is so wonderful, it seems as though his main goal in life is making me happy, doing whatever it takes to show me how much I mean to him and how special I am.  The other day I got a dozen roses just cause! he just wants to be with me because he says and I quote "you are worth it" WOW! like when I first started writing this blog I was heart broken, I was torn and I had no idea what I wanted or how I wanted to accomplish it, and now, my life just happy.  Everyday I go to a job that I truly love, I wake up somedays next to a man I genuinely care about, I drive around in a city where I feel completely happy in, and I am surrounded by wonderful people! I don't have much more to write because I don't want to seem like I am bragging, but I am not journal, I'm being sincere!

So, I don't want to go on and on because I am really tired and I have to get to bed.  But I am glad I picked up my laptop to pay my bills and decided to check in with you, because now I have one more thing to be happy about and that is that I have had you now for five years! five! five years sharing my life with you.  I will share more soon journal I promise, for now, I hope that anyone who comes to this my safe space to read what I have to say, has an amazing holiday season and a splendid new year!

smooches!

Why you got to be so mean?

Dear journal -

My weekend started out really good! for starters, well I don't really know where to start so let me start from the beginning and try to do it as quickly as possible! So a little over a month ago, I didn't only meet one guy the one I wrote about in a previous post titled the one that could, around the same time I had met someone else.  This second person I barely saw but we talked a lot, but most of the time all he managed to do was piss me off really really bad! mainly, because he was being a little intense and also not true to his word.  Long story short, for the month we started to get to know each other, we mainly argued, it was sort of frustrating and very annoying!  Anyway, about a week back I had a conversation with my I guess for a lack of better term, friend with benefits who I didn't barely talk to, but was being intimate with, with him though it was all a very physical thing but I was starting to get very confused about everything, then I finally decided that I was just going to be done with everyone and just sort of chill out for a while and do my freedom thing that I'm so good at!

So, I first told my quote on quote "friend" how I was feeling and where I was with what he and I had going on, and I was pretty much told that I didn't have a chance in hell with him, which I had never really thought about it past what we were already doing, bt then after leaving his apartment that night I thought to myself....OUCH! well I'm glad I'm at least good for ONE thing in this world! I think a day later or so, I hear from the second person, the one I was not even thinking about talking to again, the one I only argued with.  He all of a sudden, re appeared after like almost a week, and although I had been thinking about him, I was just so done with people, I was sort of bitchy to him because all he had managed to do up until that point was piss me off!

So, bachelor #2 sends me a message and promises he was going to stop doing what he was doing, give him one last chance, yada yada, so I said OK! one last but I swear!!! so that's how this story sort of starts! so I told him he could sleep over my apt. and the minute he gets to my place my daughter has all these questions.  Who is he? and why is he here? and is he going to sleep with you? and so I tell her he is my friend yes he is sleeping over and that night we hung out, watched some television and then we all went to sleep.  Sleeping with him felt very comfortable, after all the fighting we had done this last past month, being with him felt natural, I literally knocked out cold and it felt so nice to have someone to cuddle with! I kept thinking to myself, now see, I can totally get used to this! Honestly speaking I have only brought two maybe three men around my kids since I have been single and I have been single for 8 years now.  I mean yes I had a boyfriend last year, but before him, It was 7 years that my kids only ever met people as my friends.  Saturday we had breakfast and spent the whole day together! my favorite part was all the kissing we snuck in while my daughter wasn't paying attention! yum! KISSING! my favorite!

Fast forward to that evening, I get dressed up as a zombie bride, I'm having a blast, we are out I start having vodka/soda and the next thing I know, I'm pretty much hammered! so, now I'm hammered and I bump into bachelor #1 my for a lack of better term "ex" FWB stupid term right? but yeah, I bump into him, and I had somehow lost bachelor #2 because he had left to do something somewhere! anyway, at this point, I'm drunk and just having fun! so "ex" FWB is dancing, I start dancing close to him, he turns around and says to me.... "I don't really want to dance with anyone!" which I'm pretty sure he really meant, I don't want to dance with you! BASTARD! I was sooooo pissed off when he did that, like dude..... FUCK YOU! it isn't that serious! but now, the logical Jaz, the one that probably wouldn't have even talked to "ex" FWB if I had been sober, turns into the raging, angry, Brooklyn bitch that won't allow some guy to diss her! so now I see him leave and I'm like, I'm going also! I already knew where he was going, since there is literally like 2 bars everyone sort of goes too! so now I'm at that bar, one of his friends shares with me that he and I used to talk on a dating site called Tagged when I still lived in NYC, so now I'm really drunk and confused thinking, WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY LIFE??? WHAT THE FUCK! how do these random things happen to me? like what are the chances in hell that someone I used to talk to almost 3 years ago maybe even more, one, remembers me and two, turns out to be friends with my "ex" FWB!!!! that shit blew me away! and that is the last I remember of the night until two days later when the dreaded story comes to me from the lips of my cousin! so here goes the story.... BRACE YOURSELF JOURNAL! THIS SHIT GETS UGLY!

Next day I wake up, I have a ton of messages from bachelor #2 who had gone missing, except he didn't really go missing, he was looking for me but I was so busy trying to restore my ego, that I had forgotten about him.  I have a bruise on my face and a swollen eye, and my cousin isn't speaking to me! FUCK MY LIFE! I was so scared to ask what I had done! but I waited a day and asked my cousin and he told me I was a hot mess but also told me that this really really hot tall guy that I was talking to at some point of the night had said to him that I was really beautiful! and I was dressed as a ZOMBIE! so you know I was flattered to hear that! but then he also starts telling me about all the ridiculous shit I did and I was truly mortified, because I know better than to act that way.  So, I send "ex" FWB a message to apologize and then when he finally responds which I honestly wasn't even expecting a response, I get back an almost mean response like..... yeah, your behavior was inappropriate I didn't like how you acted and I don't want to talk about it so have a good day.  OH MY GOD! I was FUMING when I read that message! REALLY ASSHOLE? like I'm so sorry for not making a responsible decision and drinking more than I could handle and I already said I messed up so thank you for re-iterating the obvious! at least I was apologizing, I could of just forgotten about it, but instead I did the adult thing and owned my actions.  So yeah, thanks so much FOR BEING MEAN! 

Journal, I don't get it, like why are men so mean sometimes? like all I ever was with this character was legit and honest! I was friendly to him, I gave him my body! like I wrote something nice about him on my journal! I gave him respect and space! and I make one mistake and all of a sudden I'm this bad person, the stalker? this ALWAYS happens to me for being nice and being honest and being legit! but once again journal, this will not make me change! this was probably pay back for things I have done to people that I am not proud of.  This was karma at it's finest! just comes to show that karma is true! that what you do to others comes back around!

Anyway, I know that this post is a little bit much and there is A LOT of negative anger on here, but anger is just a reaction to hurt so ultimately, I felt really hurt by this person, this person who I had really fond feelings for, this person who I had a really good impression of, this person who for a little over a month, I shared a lot of intimate moments with, who I laughed with, who I shared some conversations with, who I legitimately thought was really cool! but, he is probably going through his own life drama and so I will find it in me to not judge to harsh, to get over this little incident and to always try to remember him fondly, because I only want good feelings in my heart! I will not let situations dirty my soul with anger and or hate or grudges.  It was a day, a mistake a moment in time that has now passed!

I will end this post on a positive note.  What I didn't tell you, is that when bachelor #2 came back to my apt. after I realized all the calls I had received from him.  I told him EVERYTHING! I told him about my "FWB" what had happened the night before, how I felt about the FWB and about him, how I had acted like a fool, I just opened up! and doing that made us closer! he held me and told me he wasn't mad and he was sorry he had left me, he kissed me and thanked me for being honest and then we proceeded to decide that we were going to give this thing a chance! this long month back and forth fighting thing must mean something! and so when my daughter asked us later that day if we were boyfriend and girlfriend, he looked at me and told her to ask me, I looked at him with a smile and said, yeah.... I guess he can be my boyfriend! and that's how due to a drunk crazy night, I ended up with my new boyfriend! BACHELOR #2 turned out to be my number 1 man! so you see journal, sometimes crazy nights end up in a positive note!  I gotta go now, my number one is texting me! yay! my new man!

This is why...... I like living in the moment

Dear Journal -

I would say that for about 4 years now, I have somewhat followed a very difficult discipline that I cannot completely grasp, but non the less, understand now, more then ever before in my life.  I have written about this topic before http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2011/07/living-in-moment.html but had a different perspective on it than I do now.  

Dan Millman, author of my two favorite books, There are No Ordinary Moments and The Way of The Peaceful Warrior, says in his book The Way of The Peaceful Warrior, that we have thousands of thoughts a day and that for the most part, most of those thoughts we are having are not serving us with our lives purpose.  By this, I don't think that he means that we shouldn't be thinking, or that we shouldn't be exploring ideas.  I believe that by this he means that when we are stuck in our heads and in our thoughts, we are not living fully the moment we are in.  We are instead looking down at our phones, the floor and everywhere else instead of ahead! instead of enjoying all the beauty that constantly surrounds us! Some moments I know for a fact that we don't want to prolong, but some others, I think are so precious that you want to stay in them forever!

I'm writing about this today, because I truly believe that I am falling back into a pattern that I do not like, I feel as if lately, I have been falling prisoner of my thoughts, and I am not liking this AT ALL! Lately, I have to constantly pull my thoughts back to this moment, back to the task at hand, back to this reality that I am in right this minute.  It does make me happy though, that at the very least I have not lost the reminder to pull myself back, to grasp my thoughts, and to think to myself why I am having them?  It is important to me to try to understand where the thoughts are coming from? what is the root of them? why I am having them?  I have to say that ever since I started trying really hard to live in the moment, my life feels more rewarding, and while living in the moment has nothing to do with being ruthless like some may interpret it, it is rewarding because you are truly aware of your surroundings, however, I feel like I need to focus on doing this more often, of getting myself out of my head and into this world!

Sometimes however, I question if this discipline is truly valuable.  Like yes I am living more frequently in the moment, but is that keeping me from planning ahead? and is it keeping me from exploring or thinking about my wants and needs? the other day I was having a conversation with someone about what I was feeling regarding he and I, and when he asked me the very simple question, what do you want? I couldn't answer it! I genuinely did not know, I was stuck and almost shocked that someone was asking this of me, because quite frankly, I don't ever think about it much. 

Him on the other hand, he had his future planned it almost seemed, I mean while the thought of his future didn't include me, at least he knew it.  At least he had thought it out, meanwhile I felt vulnerable to the fact that I never thought about it that far, I was just kind of enjoying what was happening, until I was no longer comfortable with the situation and decided it was time to move on from it.  I never thought about how long it should last, I just went with what I felt anytime I was around him.  

I am conflicted about this because my friend told me today that maybe because I don't think about things far enough, it's exactly the reason why things were not becoming a reality.  I on the other hand never thought of it that way, I just don't feel like it is necessary to plan my life with another human being that I barely know.  How can I plan what and how our relationship "would have been" or "would be" if there are certain steps that I feel need to happen before even considering a relationship.  For starters, I find it so important to be friends with someone before even considering them as someone I would even think of giving my love too! like I need to get to know a person, to be around them enough to know what they are like.  

Additionally, I never think of my life far ahead enough, to imagine someone in my life that way.  I feel that while I am open now to relationships, something I wouldn't consider before, I still think that I wouldn't go jumping into some crazy roller coaster ride just cause.  I've been on roller coaster relationships and they don't end well.  Regardless of all of this, it is difficult for me to express to someone, WHAT I WANT, because almost everyone, is always thinking so far ahead of everything, making up scenarios in their mind of what "the relationship" will look like, that they never stop to think of what is right in front of them, they never give things a chance because without really knowing a person, they already made up the story in their mind, therefore depriving themselves of enjoying each moment, the "process" of maybe finding out that this person is amazing or that this person is definitely not a compatible partner.  They allow judgments to cloud and impede them of moving forward with even just step one, the initial lets talk and be friends and see if this is something, or nothing at all.  So, when someone makes a decision based on whatever stories they made up in their heads about "what the relationship" that didn't even start will be like, how do I turn around and try to convince that person, to get out of their heads and live the now? like honestly sometimes when I start trying to talk to people about this, they sort of think I'm crazy! 

I personally feel that even though I don't know what I want, I think that at least by not knowing, I am enjoying and being more aware of my feelings without having judgements on the other person or denying myself and them of enjoying something that may turn into nothing or maybe turn into the best thing that ever happened.  I allow myself to go through things without fear of "what if's" and "I can't because" instead I see life as, this is fun, I enjoyed this and do you want to continue to the next step or is this not comfortable anymore should it stop? yes I know I am sort of not making sense, but I guess the point I'm trying to make is that when you spend your time thinking about what it will be like, you are loosing out on what's really happening, what you are truly enjoying, you almost limit yourself to life's experiences when you are busy in your head making up scenarios. 

So yes, maybe I don't know what I want, but maybe I won't be here tomorrow either, so what difference would it have made if I did? No I don't anticipate I will die tomorrow (fingers crossed) but if I did, at the very least I feel that I lived my life the best way I could, I enjoyed each moment and each person to the fullest, because instead of thinking about how complicated things may have been, I focused on what it was when I was sharing a moment with whomever! I don't know, I honestly am a happier now than I was when I was busy making up stories in my head about "what I wanted" because most of the time, you want something, you get it and then you realize that's not what really makes you happy! 

Yea I KNOW! I'M CONFUSED TOO! 

Good night journal..........

I Leave you with.... Neyo - Miss Independent....

It's not LITERAL!

Dear Journal -

I cannot tell you, how many times since I've had you, you've gotten me into trouble! I mean yes technically it isn't you who gets me in trouble but rather the things I write to you, but yes, sometimes I feel like I want to say so much and hold back because "what if that person sees it?" however, I think it is fair to say that I never bad mouth or talk bad about anyone on my blog, because my blog is about LOVE.  I LOVE all people regardless of what they do to me, or how they have treated me.  I like to think that I am for the most part tasteful with what I say, but most important, I don't want to put any sort of poison on here because you might catch a virus! no need for negativity on this beautiful blog of mine.

So, without further a do, let me jump right in and tell you a few things about what's been going on in my life.  First, the other morning on 10/17 to be exact.  I came on here to sort out my feelings, to explore, to share.  I then the next day read my post and thought to myself.... WOW! what a HOT mess, I'm seriously all over the place with my emotions these days! but after I had sometime to think about it, I realized that I was just being a woman! it was Dr. John Gray that said it best in his book, men women and relationships, that women go on and on and on saying something to finally come to their own conclusions.  That we women explore our feelings by saying, by talking, by expressing and that is EXACTLY what I did! I ranted and raved and wrote and wrote and I don't think I took a step back to think about what I was writing, but now I came to terms with that post and I'm ok with it, I feel content with the content! HA!

I have written about quite a number of men on this blog and I have to say that a few have taken my words LITERALLY, so I had to come on here today to tell you journal that sometimes I am writing to explore my feelings and ideas and so what I may be feeling in that moment is not what I am always feeling.  To elaborate, I am writing something in that moment and tomorrow it may or may not mean the same! capish? I feel really grateful that I have you and can come on here and express myself freely without judgement, because when I'm writing to you, I don't care who's eyes will come upon you if ever they do! this is MY journal! and I will cry if I want too!

Anyway, I have some news to report that I think is worthy of noting.  Remember Wilford? (that's not his real name, that's the name he told me to use for the purpose of this blog) but remember him? my friend from Brooklyn who lived in B5? http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2013/07/the-man-in-b5.html well, after him and I having the strangest friendship in the history of my life, I am happy to report that we are again friends and that he speaks to me again!!!! wooo hooo! good God that's so crazy! in a nut shell, I didn't have an iphone for a while, maybe like 8 months or so. Anywho, I got an iphone a few weeks ago which i'm sooooo happy about! I hated the samsung galaxy S5 with a passion! anyway, thanks to the amazing icloud, I'm going through my contacts and his name was on there!! HOLLY SHIT! I had erased it a long time ago so that I wouldn't be tempted to message him.  Anyway, not thinking he would respond, I sent him a message and a few days later he responded!!! HALLELUJAH!  it was the most random response ever but knowing him the way I do, I know for a fact he thought about responding thoroughly and carefully.  

He and I never had a real romantic relationship but I think I would have loved him soooooo deeply and wanted to kill him all at the same time if we had! that man truly is crazy, but I love him so dearly! he's just a good person! so he responded and the conversation was very short and then I told him I would be going to NYC and it would be awesome if I could see him.  He didn't say yes and he didn't say no, but again knowing him the way I do, he is probably still trying to decide! lucky for me I didn't end up going, but will be going soon, which will give him more time to decide if MAYBE he does! JEEZ LOUIS! that man makes things sooo complicated! Honestly, as much as I would love to see him, if he decides not too, I will just have to accept it and I will be ok with it. I am glad that I don't feel about him the way I once did and so I won't be deeply hurt or devastated if he decides he doesn't want to. 

I am really glad though, that we are OK and that on his bday if I send him a bday greeting he will respond with a thank you! it's nice that now it's ok to send him a hello greeting every now and again and that the air is fresh between us!  I just re-read a post that I wrote about him one of the last times I spent time with him and it made me cry, WOW! that's one post that was indeed LITERAL! journal, today I really missed NYC because last night I was hanging out in Denver, and while Denver is nowhere near as big and fun as NYC, it's still fairly cool! I'm so glad that in a few weeks I will be able to visit my family and friends back home! I'm a big city girl!

I'm really tired so I will go now, but I will leave you with Alanis! I added a few of her songs to my playlist the other day, good stuff!

Alanis Morrisette - You Oughta Know

The one that could

Dear journal -

I don't even know how to start this post! I'm a bit fucked up, which probably makes me a better candidate to write and I wrote a whole post in my mind, but now that I am on here trying to express all that I have to say, I barely know where to start! So maybe let me start honestly.

About a month ago, I did something that I barely ever do.  I came home with my cousin feeling really drunk and on the way home we played regatton on my iphone and sang and reminisced about a place called NYC and how much we missed it.  When we got to my apt. complex my cousin was called over to a group of friends that were hanging out in front of someone's apt. and we walked over to it and we all began to talk and have a drunk night together.   Out of nowhere and I swear journal I really don't know how or in which way I ended up talking to one of the men that where in the group, but next thing I knew I was standing in front of my building talking to one of the gentlemen that were with us and all I recall is kissing him and thinking.... OH MY GOD.... those kisses.... and only based on that, I can remember feeling very connected to this individual.....

The next morning I wake up to a text message stating.... are you as hung over as I am? I opened my eyes, looked at the message and felt grossed out and disgusted in my actions from the night before and thinking.....UGH! I can't even talk or think at this moment, who are you? and.... what did I do? I slept a few hours more and then finally woke up fully and looked at my messages again and looked at that one messaged and all I could remember was the best kisses I had in months...... WOW those tender kisses, wow how nice they felt and how real............. Finally, I was fully awake and aware of what had transpired the evening or morning prior to my sleep.  Those kisses, they were magical, like those kisses that I had not shared in many nights or many days or many months or many maybe years? so I decided to respond to the message of the stranger who took my breath away... who was he? where did he come from? was he even handsome in my eyes? would someone else see his beauty as I did the night before? did I imagine those kisses?

We talked, and both decided that what we shared was mutual sexual attraction, or was it? sometimes I feel that there are people that it just feels comfortable with and so this is where this story really begins....... I thought that it was merely some sexual attraction that would ultimately not matter, just a moment in time, a way to kill time, to pass the time that just is, but if that were the case then why is he always on my mind? why did I feel the need to share things with him? why was it so hard to hold him after we were intimate? is it me? am I still scared? why does he stay in my skin and in my thoughts? why are his kisses so deep and almost sincere? do I imagine this because I feel alone? is it only in my mind? and why do I feel his sadness? why do I understand his pain? why does it almost affect me? why do I feel his presence when he isn't around? and why did I feel the need to be sincere with him as far as where I am in my life? why did I feel the need to say something, anything, just to be around him for a little longer?

Journal, it is hard for me to say or feel things, but it has been a while and he is just special, and I know that in his mind he is not the best thing ever, but in my mind, he just is.... something. and I can't really say what, because I don't know what, but when I am in his arms, I feel so deeply connected to him, like sexually it's amazing but not in a physical sense but deeper.  Like yes the sex is amazing but not because it's physically good, but something deeper, like the kisses are just deep and maybe it's because I don't kiss anyone, but I have kissed and it's hard to describe, it's just a very deep physical connection like I haven't felt in so very long.  So maybe it's nothing or maybe it's something, but I just needed to share because it's been a very long tine since I feel this way and I thought it was worth writing about.  

He has shared some things with me, but since they are personal to him I will just say one thing.  I have realized that monogamy is an individual thing.  And although sometimes I have questioned monogamy, I realized by sleeping with him one very important thing.  That I have only questioned monogamy when I am not completely into someone, when they to me where not someone that I completely felt a strong connection to, because otherwise, when I am completely into someone, I can not imagine sharing them! like when I think of him, I don't want anyone else touching him even though he isn't even mine, only for the moments that I have him, is he truly mine and maybe not even then, because I don't know where his mind is, but I am glad, that in those moments, his kisses are mine.......... and ONLY mine....YES! I HAVE HIM FOR A MOMENT so I'll take it! I guess I'll take at this point, anything that reminds me that I am a woman, that I still feel and that I am alive......

I leave you with -  The Hills.... The weekend....

How time flies.............

Dear Journal -

I have about five minutes for you, so I will probably make this really quick! Time sure does fly by, it seems like only yesterday that I was planning my trip to Colorado, that I was miserable working at a place where I felt like I was not wanted or needed and like people looked down on me as if I was a piece of nothing, just another employee that didn't really contribute much to the overall organizational goal.  Time flies though, and so much has changed!  

In the 6 months that I have been in my current position I look at life in such a different way, things are more meaningful, my life feels fulfilled.  Although in the 6 months I have had challenges where I was not sure if this is truly my calling, the moment I get a hug because I made a difference in someone's life, every single bit of it seems worth it.  I have made many decisions that I will share with you when I have more time.  But the most significant one thus far, has been to stay, to stick it through, to continue to make a positive difference.  I love the people I work with which makes my job that much more rewarding, I can honestly say there is no one there that I have anything at all to complain about.  

In general my life, my health and my spirit feels free, it feels good, I am alive! I often miss my friend AJ who I no longer speak to, it saddens me that he is to a certain extent the reason why I ended up in this wonderful new home.  My heart breaks anytime I have some new development that I cannot share with him.  I wish he would of seen things the way I see them, it never had to be romantic as far as I am concerned, the love I have for him is deeper than romance, and therefore it is greater! 

I have been struggling with my weight because for a while I didn't care, I was reckless in my eating habits, little by little though I am changing that, I am becoming me again as far as food is concerned, I am becoming the healthy eater that I am truly.  I am going to the gym again and feeling amazing about it.  I have stopped using my injury as an excuse and looking for ways to work around it.  I am getting older and realize there will always be changes coming that I will have to accept, not running anymore is probably one of them, but there will be more as time goes by.  I am ok journal, and I promise that as time goes by, I will come back to you more often to share all that I am, and all that I am becoming.

Stay tuned..........

P.s. tomorrow I get to go to my first CSU Rams game! I can't wait, so much fun!

I leave you with..
The Walker - Fitz and Tantrums

Old Flames.........

Dear Journal -

First I want to start by saying that the moment some sort of an emotional thing happens to me, I come running to you, as I feel like that is the most normal thing to do.  Today has been a very weird day and I am about to tell you why.

Many years ago when I started this blog, I was madly in love with someone who I wrote about constantly, I was never with him, I eventually was able to move on from that feeling and blah blah blah.  During all of that time all inclusive now, there was another person in my life that I had some sort of feelings for but with him it was literally impossible for me to be with, or think of him that way, and that is a story that I wrote on this blog in 2011 http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2011/06/love-sex-drugs.html while I haven't written about this individual often in this blog, I have to tell you that he is a very important part of my life and that back in 2008 I made him a promise that up until now I have kept and for that I am really proud of myself.  Since 2008 he has been in jail in another country and although him and I couldn't write to each other, I was able to go visit him twice during that time and we have found ways to communicate.  

On Friday night going into Sat at about 3 a.m., I got a call and I had my phone on ringer by chance because I NEVER have my ring tone on, on my phone.  That night I had it on because I was on call from work.  Anyway, I answer the phone and half asleep I hear his voice! he said I am free, I don't even know what to do it feels so weird and I am so happy! I was so happy to hear it and half asleep I spoke to him for a few minutes and he told me he would call me the next day.  The next day came and all day long I kept looking at my phone waiting for the call that never came, eventually I called his mom and found out where he was which I sort of knew, but I controlled myself from calling him because I wanted to give him space on his first day out in the world again.  Finally, yesterday I called him and talked to him, and talking to him has me a hot mess! I keep thinking of him and wishing I was there to be with him and feeling anxious and like something is missing in my life! all these years I have always told myself that things between him and I will never happen, I even told his mom that a few months back, yet all of a sudden knowing he is free and that means he has the opportunity to be close to me, I can't control my anxious feeling! so the thing is that he was only let out for a few days but is probably on his way back to jail as I'm writing this, but in a few weeks he will truly be a free man and I can't deal with it! he won't be in the states, but he will be back home in my country, free, free to be with whomever he wants to be and that little fact is stressing me out! I don't know why all of a sudden I feel so possessive over him, or maybe I do.  I feel as he is mine all mine! like I WAS THE ONLY ONE THERE all these years in some sort of way and he belongs to me! and while I always said to him that one's he was out I had kept my promise and I would no longer have ties to him, I feel like that very thing is what makes me feel tied! and I want to just get on a flight and be there once he is finally free, but I don't know why I am feeling this way! it's stressing me out! I want it to go away, this weird anxious feeling! when we talked he told me that once he comes back to the states he wants to move to Colorado and obviously he has to come stay with me, but what does that mean? all these years we have only been friends.  Yes we were intimate at the very beginning, but after we always were friends and we always end our conversations with I love you! but when I say it I mean like friend love! I'm so confused!

Anyway journal, I needed to let out all these feelings because quite honestly I haven't felt anything like this in a really really really long time! I just sort of live my life.  I have been on a few dates here and there but no one ever does anything for me.  I went on a date with this man and he asked me out again and I had to say no because I just wasn't feeling it.  But when I heard my friends voice on the phone, I just wanted to run to him and be part of his freedom! I am so happy for him and I want him to succeed! I love him so very much! he is such a huge part of my life and I just hope that whatever happens between us, it never changes the fact that we are friends first and foremost and that I never want to loose that! and I am positively sure we won't, but what of all these feelings I am feeling now? 

I'm ALIVE! I still feel! I am happy and scared about it, but mostly happy! time will tell.............

Someone like you......

Dear Journal -

This is a pitty post! by that I mean that I was just updating my music library and I came upon a song that doesn't make me cry anymore but years ago made me sob.  How crazy is it how our feelings change and in time, this too should pass! Yes, while I was going through that time in my life I would always tell myself that, but it would still not stop the hurt, it would still hurt so very much, so very much, but it did pass and here I am now, listening to a song that reminds me of a love that I once knew yet I don't cry anymore, but that doesn't mean that I have forgotten that individual completely! on the contrary, I still look at his facebook page just about every few days, just cause.  I often wonder, if he is engaged to be married, why do I see more posts about his dog and countless pictures of his dog, yet I never see any of her? does that mean something? does it mean he isn't crazy about her? maybe she doesn't like her pics all over a social media I get it, but never even a mention of her? I don't know, it's just weird to me that's all.  I know I shouldn't look at his page anymore, but it doesn't matter.  I mean if I were into technology and software engineering I would probably follow him on all social media, so it's not like it's such a personal page that I try to stalk, it's just a habit at this point I guess.

So I went on a date the other night.  He is 50 years old! I'm only writing that on here because I have never been on a date with someone older than I am, so it was pretty cool! I was definitely attracted to him and thought he was really cool, but I haven't heard from him since and I am not about to chase nobody! I mean he did tell me he wanted to see me again and asked if I would hang out with him again, but we did not make any concrete plans, so he might of just asked to be nice.  I honestly don't care, it kind of makes me feel sad that I have come to the point that love no longer matters to me, it's seriously something that I just seriously don't care about.  Still, I won't stop dating because why should I? as long as I'm breathing, I will always force myself to try to feel something romantic for someone, some day.

Well journal, I'm pretty tired.  I work so much, it's always so busy at my job, but I truly am happy doing what I do! It's pretty darn awesome!

Something New........

Dear Journal

I mainly don't write to yo because I am too lazy to use my on-screen keyboard, since I wet my key pad on my mac and messed up the letter u.  Ugh! it's so annoying, but I guess I will make the best of it until I get it fixed.  I have been writing a lot of material for work, so I definitely write, just not here anymore the way I once did.  I feel sad, like I have almost abandoned you, but lately, my life isn't very exciting, I guess I don't have much to tell you because I'm living a pretty non interesting life.  No new love, no new love adventure, no drama, no excitement! I have been struggling to loose weight, and it's very frustrating, but partly I struggle because I start to do really well and then I just sort of loose interest in trying and stop, and what I mean by that is that my eating habits have been very bad.  I mean for the most part I try my very best to be healthy, but every other week I like go on this sweet kick and I almost can't get off it.  I have been riding my bike to work as often as I can which is pretty awesome, but other than that, I don't exercise much.  I have realized that I don't like the gym much, and since I can't run anymore, I just don't care to do anything.  So I ride my bike since I truly enjoy doing so that is what keeps me semi staying in my current weight, which is 25 pounds over what I used to be.  Some of my cloths no longer fits me, others just barely do and I just don't care to go above and beyond to loose it, I just feel tired of struggling, yet I can't give up completely because that's just not who I am.  I will figure it out eventually I guess!

I have been thinking about AJ very much, I mean I never fully stop wondering how he may be doing, but I deleted his number from my phone and decided that I cannot reach out to him because the last time I had any sort of interaction with him, I said things that were really messed up, and I just don't know how to say anything that will repair what was said.  As I wrote in a previous post, I don't regret what I said because I needed to get it off my chest, but I wish I would of said it to his face in a manner that he would understand where I was coming from with it, and why I thought it, and why I felt I needed to express it, but since he never gives me the opportunity to sit with him and talk, I lashed out one night when I was drinking and said more than I should have and now it's just too late to go back and try to explain why I said it.  I know all of this sounds complicated to you sweet journal, but it really wouldn't be if he and I just sat down for coffee like two old friends and just discussed it.  Sometimes I'm concerned about him, I wonder if he is happy, and wish I could be friends with him the way I am with JC or my other friends, where we can sit and chat about anything with no past drama.  The other night I was sitting with my friend JC watching an episode of supernatural and while we were there sitting together watching it, I thought to myself, why can't I do this with AJ, why can't I share special friendship moments with the person who is responsible for me haven found this wonderful home?  and for a brief moment I felt so sad, that out of everyone in this state, the one person that I wish I could share cool moments with because he was the one who introduced me to this amazing town, I couldn't share it with him.  I felt sad.....

There is nothing else for me to say at the moment journal.  I love/hate my job, it's so difficult sometimes to work in an environment where there is so much sorrow from people, where you see and hear so many sad stories, maybe that is why my life feels so rewarding right now, because compared to so many, I am so truly blessed.  

I leave you with this, the newest thing in my life is that I love it, I can't complain because there is nothing to complain about, and for this, I am truly grateful!

Borderline
By: Madonna

So Emotional

Dear Journal:

Lately, I've been super duper lazy.  When I say super duper I mean like completely lazy! I have let myself go, I don't exercise, I don't go out, I don't watch what I eat, I am just uncaring.  However, I still am thinking about the future, my 5 year plan that I always have.  I'm not really sure why I am feeling this way, part of me feels that I'm like this because I've come to a point where I feel somewhat stuck, unable to make good decision.  The only thing that's keeping me happy is the fact that I have a new job where I am learning so many new things that it makes my life exciting, but other than that, I do realize that there is something missing.  I really believe that my oldest son leaving the nest has affected me more than I thought.  I miss him so very much even though we talk almost every day, however, I still feel this empty feeling in my home, things are not the same and while I realize that this is all part of life, I hate to have to accept it.  Lately, I have also been missing NYC.  I miss my friends most of all.  I miss it not to an extent that I feel like I want to go back, but to an extent that I really need to visit soon, because I miss my friends, I really do.

The other morning, I woke up to a txt message from the last person who I thought I would be hearing from, it only said what's up what's new, but the moment I opened my eyes looked at my phone to see the time and saw that I had a message from him, my day lit up! what an affect this young man still has on me, if only it was ok for us to love one another, if only it were ok for it to be real.  His name, is BK and through out this journal you will find many times since I've started writing this journal that his name is written on it.  I was so happy to hear from him, for him to be reaching out to me to ask how I was.  The whole day we exchanged messages and I almost didn't want the day to end because I knew that once it did, our conversation would be over for who knows how long, when will we talk again? when would we see one another again?  Talking to him always reminds me how much I love Brooklyn! how much I love my Brooklyn boys, how much I miss Brooklyn, how much I miss him and I just got all sorts of emotional through out the day.  In a perfect world I would have two homes, one in Fort Collins, CO one in Brooklyn, NYC! but this my world isn't perfect, so I shall stay here close to my beautiful mountains, because I love them and so do my children.

I had to come on here my sweet journal to tell you about a very emotional day last week that I had because I had the pleasure of talking to my BK, the one guy who time, nor distance has allowed me to forget him! and yes, we are but friends, really good friends, but in my heart he sure does hold a very special place.  Why wouldn't he? we watched the sunset at Coney Island beach the last time we saw one another, and while we didn't even share a kiss that night, we shared something that not too many people in this world can, we shared an intimate moment of true friendship and genuine love and maybe not even romantic love, but the kind of love that two people that respect and look up to each other share.  He is so awesome! he's so much like me in so many ways.  So hard working and career oriented, so smart and funny and genuine, so intelligent and kind and so very handsome.  Maybe like I wrote in a previous post a few years ago he is a love that I once knew in another life time, maybe, just maybe.........

I leave you with:
So Emotional
By: Whitney Houston

My home my happiness!

Dear Journal -

It's been a few weeks maybe that I haven't blogged and I have to admit that this time it hasn't been like before, when I think of you all the time and have intentions to write but then never do.  This time, I've been very distracted and really busy with my new job.  I have to admit that I have mixed feelings about it, no it isn't that I don't like the work that I do, but it's just that the money I make isn't where I want to be.  Before I took the position I talked about it with my parents and my really good friends those who I love and trust.  They all told me it was a good idea to take the position, because for one I wasn't working, and some money is better than no money.   So yes, I understood what I was doing when I accepted the position, but now I am bummed because I really love this job, I really love the work that I do, and I really really like that I have my own office! It's so cool to have my own space that I don't have to share with anyone, I am slowly making it my own and the process is slow but coming along! However in the back of my mind it annoys me tremendously that not only me, but many many people in my field aren't fairly compensated for the work that we do, we are people trying to make other people's lives a little better! 

Everyone I work with really truly cares and that makes it such a nice place to be daily, knowing that I am with individuals that truly love what they do! I feel like I'm where I was meant to be.  But the most rewarding part of the job is when I am able to give one person hope, someone who had to sneak out of her home with her 4 children because the man that she married was beating her and her kids and she's found it in herself to get the courage to leave, to run and to change her life for her and her children.  She came into the shelter with absolutely nothing, fleeing from a man that doesn't know how to appreciate his family, someone who treats her bad and controls her because of his own issues.  On Friday before I left the office, she said thank you to me with a huge smile, and in that moment I knew that the money didn't matter, because the gratitude from the people I help, filled my life with joy! and that is what is truly important! I am making enough money to take care of the things that I need so it will do for now, I know eventually I will be in a better place financially.

Nothing else has been going on in my life worthy of me talking about, although I did join weight watchers online.  I have gained 20 pounds since I've been in Colorado and I am not very happy about it.  I understand that I have to age and that I can't control crows feet and wrinkles nor can I control getting grey's which I'm starting to get, but the one thing I can most certainly control is my weight, so that is what I'm trying to do.  I am trying to loose weight because in my life it has always been a constant struggle, however it is something that I can control and therefore I am working on controlling it.  I have to admit that I have been lazy with going to the gym, but I did get a bike and I started riding my bike to work last week, I am hoping that will help me with my goals.

I haven't dated or met or talked to anyone in a really long time, I've sort of being focused on me and my goals getting my life where I wanted to be.  I have however been spending a lot of time with good friends, I feel like I have made some really good friends here that I feel are my family in Colorado and that makes me really happy! I have to say that all in all life is pretty darn good and I am pretty darn happy.  I really love my new home Colorado! 


1

Love me like you do.........

Dear Journal -

I was just out with some friends and I got home and I don't feel well.  I did not have not one drink, not one! the last time I drank too much I sent someone a message that was not mean because it was true, but kind of mean because it was too true.  Anyway, I didn't only send that individual a message, I also sent someone else a message, his name is BK and the song that I just attached to this post for the strangest reason makes me think of him.  BK and I met at Brooklyn College him and I had 3 classes together and we became really good friends, long story short we had a brief romance but it was very intense.  He is way younger than I am which is probably the only reason why we are not married right now.   Anyway, that's a brief description of who he was to me in my life.   About a month ago we talked on the phone for about 2 hours, we almost didn't want to get off I feel like it isn't only hard for me to accept that we can't be together, I think he feels the same way so I always try to keep my distance.  I am so proud of him though, he is about the get his MBA from a great University, he is just everything I want in a man, just fucking awesome as hell! I miss him all the time and think of him more than I should, but thinking of him makes me miss NY so I try to stop myself from indulging in my thoughts of him.

I think the song I've attached to this blog makes me think of him because we once took a drive in Brooklyn in my old car which was rather small and he took me to this park in Brooklyn that I did not even know existed, we got there parked in a parking spot and we had sex in the front of the car.  It was pretty crazy because the parking lot of that park was pretty well lit, but he didn't care we just did it and it was amazing! having sex in a car in NY is illegal, you can get arrested, but we didn't care, we felt it and we did it.  I guess I think of him with this song because him and I were both very adventurous, we once planned to do it in a class room at the college, so we waited until the class was dismissed and plotted on how to sneak into a class and get it on, we figured out a way and did it.  It was scary but awesome, the risk was getting kicked out of school, but I guess we didn't care about the consequences, we just wanted to enjoy a crazy moment.  I miss him all the time.

What we felt for one another was real...........

Safe and Sound

Dear Journal .........


Yeah yeah..... I KNOW I've been fucking up! but yo! a girl needs a break! shit be going down in one's life and I can't very well go divulging shit as it goes down! how the fuck would that be real journalism? ain't nobody wanna know about my fucked up life! or do they? prob. so since people love to know about others misery which by the way is a whole psychological state that we all experience except i'm feeling too nice to remember the correct psych. term to describe it.  But basically even in a hospital where you are all fucked up and down and out, our psyche will make us compare ourselves to others that are in a worse situation to help us overcome our own issues or our own health in the case of a cancer patient.  So yeah, Jazzy be going through some shit ya heard! but I always come back stronger cause that's how I do! (smile).

Ok. so here is the break down.  So I got to Fort Collins, CO and made it, like I legit made some crazy good moves, I landed a kind of HR job in an oil and gas company making bank at least for this area.  Making bank means getting paid well for my territory (my area) ya heard? some amazing benefits and amazing people.  Can I just say the people I worked with made it the most amazing place in the world? like I completely miss them so very much from the very conceded educated jerk face to the most humble cutest thing I've ever met! it was my first family here in CO and I loved them all so very much! WELL the oil industry came crumbling down and so did I (insert sad face) I knew when my boss was acting weird, like trying not to interact with me as much as possible.  that he was going to have to let me go, I would be one of the people that wasn't going to be around much longer.  I could tell by the way he acted around me.  What this man didn't know is that I loved him regardless and that I never took anything serious because business is business and that's how it is! so, I just hung around and then the day came when I was laid off from my first real job in CO and alse the first time in my life I was ever laid off from a job.  I was truly devastated! like I did not know how to deal with it.  OBVIOUSLY I cried as usual since I  AM A CRY BABY! and so I cried and my best friend JC and I were dwelling in self pitty and him and I went to a bar drank some and fell sorry for each other (thank God for my BF JC who I love!).  

So here I was in Fort Collins, CO with limited friends and connections and just me myself and I.  So what did I do? I decided that I wanted to volunteer! so I went to volunteer at a women's shelter because I figured this was my chance to volunteer in my field of study and I could help people and see if this is truly a good fit for me so I could move forward.  I went through a three day training and was really nervous to start my volunteering, but then the coolest thing happened, after I was done with the training the trainer called me and told me they had a position available and she wanted to know if I would be interested in applying.  I was in disbelief! of course I did want to apply! not only was it in my field of study, but the position required someone that was bilingual Spanish! how awesome is that! 

So, long story short, I applied interviewed and got the job.  I am truly grateful for this opportunity and feel lucky to have the chance to help others.  I am a bilingual advocate at a domestic violence women's shelter and I've only been working for a week, but I already love my co-workers and the work that I will be doing.  I am really happy to be able to share this story on my blog and am sure that I will have a lot more to share with regards to my awesome new job.  I started to write this blog post a week ago under the influence of lots of beer.  So, I started it out with my "Brooklyn ghetto/ganster voice" I joke around with my friends and gangster talk as a joke, that was me gangster thinking while under the influence of alcohol.  The truth is, I'm not really gangster and yes I did grow up in Brooklyn my early childhood and early teens, but I am grateful that I was able to stay away from truly dangerous situations and was never arrested or lived anywhere so unsafe that I was ever scared.  Or maybe when I did live in that neighborhood in Brooklyn, I was too young to be out at a time of night where I would understand the dangers of a Brooklyn mean street.  Either way, I am glad to be writing to you today journal, because I truly miss you!

Conclusion of this post.... I now feel once again after accepting a new job that I am safe and sound! 

It's my blog and I'll cry if I want too!

Dear Journal -

I feel like I write my best when shit is all over the place, which right now it is! I mean yeah, it could be so much worse as my ex-husband was all to happy to point out, but I feel like shit! and if I want to throw myself a pitty party then I should be able to because I feel like it! why can't I? why do I always have to keep it together, have it all figured out and be on top of it all? I am human too and I deserve to be sad, cry, feel like shit, and whatever else I choose too as long as I get back on track at some point!

I'm not happy lately, mostly because I was laid off from work.  But getting laid off from work is not what has me so sad, getting laid off from work is just the initiation of why I'm feeling down.  I am down because not working gives me time to think about my life and realize how I am not happy with the fact that I am not doing what I truly love.  What do I truly love? I love Psychology! I want to help others with what I have learned, I want to be in a field where I am making a difference, and unfortunately I cannot be in it.  Yes there are many reasons why I can't, for starters I don't have experience and therefore even to get a job as a case manager is a huge deal, of course I won't get a job like that, I don't have the slightest idea of how I would manage someone's case because I have never done that and I can't get into the field because I need to work to make a living and take care of my children so let's say I did get lucky and got a job as a case manager so that I could get into the field, well then I would be getting paid crumbs and I would make more money doing what I was doing before which is HR stuff, except I'm not up there in the HR ranks because well, I couldn't move up in the HR ranks before because I didn't have a degree and now that I do, I have to be around for a while in order to make it up in the ranks but I don't care to make it up in the ranks because that's not what I really want! I need a masters degree to go anywhere, but who has the money for a masters degree now? also, I have to worry about my kids and their future first before I can go looking for mine, which should have been determined years ago.

I know that I am rambling on, so for now I want to say this.  I felt really alone today for the very first time since I've been in Colorado and for a moment I wanted to go back home to NYC.  Then, I was driving and took a look at the mountains and for some reason they made me feel better.  All of a sudden I felt like I was right where I needed to be, I felt at home.  So it isn't Colorado that is doing anything, is me and my wants/needs that are making me feel the way I do.  I came here with a plan that I am not following and for the first time in a really long time I don't have a 5 year plan and I ALWAYS have a 5 year plan so I feel a bit out of place, out of myself out of  control with my life.  I understand that I need to get myself together, that I can't help others if I am all over the place myself.  So I just wanted to come on here my beautiful ever so faithful journal and cry to you because I want to, because I can, and because I have the right too!

ps. I cut off all my hair....... I wish Benjamin was still my friend, he would be most pleased with my new hair cut... I miss him so!

A Valentine's Day Story

Dear Journal -

I'm not gonna lie that for the first time in many many years, this yearsValentine's day made me feel a bit down! I felt for some reason a bit down a bit lonely.  I thought that this year for the first time in many years I was going to have a Valentine, and although I don't usually allow myself to succumb to the social pressures of all these holidays that we have that are so commercialized, this year I just felt it really bad.  Maybe it had to do with the fact that I just had a really awesome time with someone I genuinely liked and I was sort of hoping we would be spending Valentine's day together.  I feel like that is probably the most logical reason for my feelings being all over the place.  Anyway, Valentine's day has come and gone, but yesterday while I was searching for something to make me feel better, I remembered a Valentine's day many moons ago, that was truly special.  It goes a little something like this....

I was in my senior year of High School.  I went to a HS called Lower East Side prep.  it was an alternative HS and what that basically means, is that I was kicked out of regular HS for fighting (that's another blog post) and I dropped out of HS initially but then decided I wanted to go back to HS and get a HS diploma, so I found out about these small HS that were tailored to accommodate older HS students that wanted to graduate but had behavioral issues etc.  My school was really small and everyone knew each other.  It was pretty awesome! I really liked it there.  I was there for a little over 2 years.  

One Valentine's day they had this thing were you could buy a rose and send it to someone.  You could do so anonymously or if you wanted, you could put your name on it.  The way they did it as I recall is they would put the rose in your locker or maybe deliver it to your locker while you were standing there between periods.  I remember that I was standing by my locker and someone came over to me to deliver a rose that a boy had bought for me.  Along with the rose was a teddy bear.  I don't remember what the card said, but I do remember the card saying a name of someone I did not recognize.  You can imagine my surprise when I saw this! I was like, who in the world? In that school there was a "cool" group or a group of teenagers that were like the 'in" crowd, and I was part of the "in" crowd, so I thought I new anyone who was anyone! when I got to one of my classes later on that afternoon, with the rose that someone I didn't know had sent me, a boy came up to me and asked me if I liked the rose he had sent me! I could not believe it! I was so taken aback, and flattered and in awe that someone had this huge crush on me and I was non the wiser! it was a pretty awesome feeling.

Needless to say Anthony (that was his name) won me over and I began to date him.  In a nut shell, he and I were together for a little less than a year I think.  I took his virginity which I thought was pretty cool! and I think he loved me very much! I do not believe my feelings for him were as strong and I do not remember why we broke up, but it was a sweet relationship that I had with him.  During our relationship I do recall there being a girl who was really jealous of our relationship, I do remember that she liked him very much and I also recall that after we broke up she managed to get him, get herself pregnant from him and hopefully lived with him happily ever after! I graduated and never heard from him again.  I only have a picture of the two of us, to remind me of a boy that made one Valentine's day very special.

I hope his life is amazing, because he was an amazing guy that I once knew!

This is my journal, these are my memories..... I hope if you come across this post, you will enjoy it!

I leave you with:
Naked Eyes
Always Something There

You don't love him....you love the idea of him....

Dear Journal -

As much as I like to pretend that my life is like a romantic soap opera and that one day, he and by he I mean someone, is going to come running back to me like the way it happens in romantic comedies, the truth is that it's never like that in real life.  At least not in my life, not anymore.  Maybe when I was younger I had those moments when someone would come back to me to tell me what a big mistake they had made by letting me go, or maybe we broke up by we I mean whom ever came back to me at some point which I can recall that one day someone did, a long time ago.  I pretty sure my oldest sons dad, came back a few times and we would make up and it would be amazing for a little while but then it would go back to the same thing, that thing when you know in the deepest of your heart that no matter how much you love this person so deeply, it's not gonna work, for whatever reason.  Well, that's sort of how my European romance ended.

Once we got back to America reality hit and all the romance slowly faded and reality kicked in and everyone was back to playing their respective roles.  I am me and he is he and nothing is gonna change that.  So I initially let him stay with me and that only lasted about almost a week, but on day eight I had to let him go, he had to leave.  Am I sad? yes very! am I devastated, not really.  I understand that somethings are just not meant to be.  I understand that very well, so I have learned that it's best to end things before they get out of control, or rather, before I start building ideas in my mind that are not true otherwise known as allowing my heart to cloud my thoughts.  Logic! one thing I never knew how to use when I was young and naive and believed in fairy tales or didn't really but believed in my heart, in what it told me to do.  Sometimes I feel like my eyes are un masked and that is awesome! others I sort of wish they still were, because then I could love again.

This past Saturday night I wrote Benjamin Nunez an email for the first time in almost a year.  I wonder why my old friend still till this day does not speak to me.  Yea to some I'm some psycho, but those who truly know me, know that I am just someone who wishes to get through to someone, to understand them, to comprehend their actions and so I don't give up.  Obviously I don't expect a response, but it would be nice if one day out of nowhere, I would find a response and that out of all the people who have left my life, he would be the one coming back for me, yes! it's still him! 

But I was building in my mind a little fantasy that maybe I could fall in love again, with this cool man that I had spent time with in Europe, that maybe he would change the things that I asked because I am worth it, but the reality is that I am worth it, it's just that he doesn't realize it because he isn't worthy.  So I had to set him free so he could fly.

Life is good! I know that one day Benjamin will come back.  And when I say Benjamin I don't mean the man who inspired me to write this blog, the man that I loved for so many years in silence, the man that stopped talking to me and never spoke to me again, the man that will soon be married.  Benjamin has become sort of a metaphor, the thing that I use to explain what I want to feel again one day.  As Benjamin himself told me one day, Jazzy it isn't him you miss, it's the idea of him.  That is correct.

Good luck DJ Bass.......

European Romance

Dear Journal -

I'm on my flight from Frankfurt to Washington, D.C. a flight I had to end up taking because my original flight which was Frankfurt to NJ was changed due to a severe snow storm that has caused all the flights leaving NY/NJ area tonight to be cancelled, I was supposed to fly to Denver from NJ!

Anyway, almost every night for this past week I've been thinking about you because I have a lot on my mind, and I feel like you are the one I like to go to, so that I can express and think as I write, which serves as a sort of therapy.  You help me feel better and have even helped me make some decisions.

I left to Europe thinking that I was just going to have a good time with a friend who happens to be my ex-boyfriend who's company I happen to enjoy.  Someone who has always been nothing but nice to me, the one guy I can honestly say has always treated me like a princes.  Respect and honesty and everything I could always hope for in someone.   I thought I could go there and handle it and not allow myself to get emotional about it, but here I am sitting on this flight thinking that something happened while I was there, something I'm having a hard time with.  How can I turn around now and walk away and pretend I don't feel anything? We had such an amazing time.  And yes I know you are thinking that I'm feeling this way because it was Europe and it was romantic, but it isn't that.   I have always felt this way about him, maybe now more than before, but definitely I have always been bummed about the fact that we can't be together.

When we were in Amsterdam, my good friend said that we made a great couple and asked us why we weren't together? and he couldn't answer it, he just looked at me and I had to say that he wasn't ready, and his response was like....ok.... which translates to, I guess I'll accept that.  Later that night I asked him why and he couldn't answer the question of why weren't we together? and that's when I broke down! I told him that since I had gotten to Europe I couldn't help but to randomly think of Benjamin and how when I had first met Benjamin, I had told him that I had this dream that I would one day go to Paris with the man I loved, and how one of my really good friends had told me that he never thought of Paris as romance but rather he thought of Paris as fashion and so that's how I had started thinking about it.  And how I felt so hurt that Benjamin was engaged to another woman, and how I had loved Benjamin all those years and felt like I had loved him more than anyone else I had ever loved.  And how my feelings for him had always been based on who I thought him to be, because I never really had known him any other way.

And then I said that I wanted it all, I deserved it all and how I was always so afraid because he was real and in my life and how I didn't know or understood what I felt cause I was really scared.   So he listened and stood quiet and then I cried a little and after we changed the conversation, and he never told me how he felt about us, nor did he answer my question... Why aren't we together?

So now what happens? I have to get back home he's going to be staying with me initially and I have to try to pretend that I don't feel all these things, that I don't feel closer to him than ever before.   But I also have to keep things in perspective and not allow my heart to control me, but rather let logic kick in.   Let logic control the situation.   I know he has strong feelings for me as well, I know it's hard for him as well.   I don't want to pressure him, I want him to make it right for us on his own.  I hope he does, but if he doesn't and this doesn't work out, I have to say that maybe my dream of going to Paris with the man I loved didn't come true, but I sure did go to Paris with the nicest most awesome guy I have ever had the opportunity of being around.   I surely do hope that if it isn't me that he's searching for that he finds it with someone who truly deserves him!

My second trip to Europe was amazing! I know there will be others.   Last night he told me that he had my back, and the whole time we were in Europe together, we were together! I even met his mom!

Only time will tell what will happen next...

Stay tuned!

Just in Case

Dear Journal -

I feel like I keep apologizing every single time I come on this my sweet space on the internet! I have to apologize! because I keep neglecting you, I think of you all the time, I really do! what will I write? what will I call the post? should I talk about xyz? and then I get wrapped up in my lazy ways and just sort of loose the momentum.  I wanted to write to you at midnight tonight, because in a few hours I will be heading to the airport for my second trip to Europe! I am super excited and yet I feel like it's just another trip! what has happened to me journal? have I lost myself some way? why is it that sometimes I don't find a trill in anything at all almost? I have no idea, I can honestly say that I do not but still I want to share this with you because it will be fun I am sure of it.

So how come I'm going to Europe you may be asking? well, the story goes something like this! when I first moved to Colorado almost a year ago next month, I met a really wonderful person and for purposes of this post I will call him DJ Bass or actually that is his DJ name hehe... anyway, him and I met at a techno/house warehouse rave in Denver and it turned out that we lived literally a mile away from each other in Fort Collins that's my town! anyway, I am positive that I wrote about him before but I am too sleepy to look for the post to link it to this one which is why I'm giving this short description of our story.  DJ Bass turned out to be my very first boyfriend in almost 7 years! YES HE DID! he and I were an official couple and everyone knew about us, including our parents! THAT'S HUGE! for me.  Anyway, things didn't work out between us (more on that another day) but DJ B and I stayed good friends.  DJ B's mom lives in Germany because that is where she is originally from, DJ B visits his mom every year for the holidays, like every year, he left to spend time with his mom back in November and when he arrived I got a txt message from him telling me that he was in Germany and wishing me a Happy Thanksgiving! when I saw his message I was a bit annoyed (more on that another time) but I wrote back because as annoyed as I was, I was also happy to hear from him.  We began chatting and I told him I wanted to visit him and his answers was.... COME ON! he knows me well enough to know that my word is my bond, so when he said come on, I was like "I'm serious" and he was like "so am I" so a few weeks later I purchased my ticket and here I am the night before my trip telling you this story.

It will be very nice to see DJ Bass, I have not seen him since October, so it will be great to get some hugs and kisses and well...  you know! I love spending time with him because he is really smart and funny and treats me like a princes! he does whatever he can to make me feel happy and of course I reciprocate.  I would like to write about how much fun we are going to have together, but I am really sleepy, so instead I will take my laptop with me and write some more about my plans once I arrive and see him and my trip actually begins.

But before I go to bed, there is just one thing that I want to write.  Many years ago, someone who meant a great deal to me, sent me a message from the airport and in the message it said that every time he was going to get on a plane, he always thought about what he wanted to tell people "just in case" I was so nervous to ask him what he wanted to tell me, that I just simply said that I knew nothing was going to happen to him, but the nature of his message led me to believe that there was something he wished to tell me and maybe I didn't give him the opportunity to say it.  Tonight, I can't help but to think of him and wonder what it was that he wanted to tell me "just in case" but there is something that I do want to write to him "just in case" I want him to know that there is still almost not one day that doesn't go by that I don't wonder how he is doing, and that I don't wish we could be friends.  It took me a long time to come to terms with the fact that he is engaged, It makes me angry when I think about it.  One night, I allowed myself to hate him, to curse him out, to hate her, to be angry with my thoughts and with my words and then I cried and then after I let out all that anger, I allowed love to enter my heart and clean all those terrible sentiments away and in that moment I felt peace, and with all my love I wished him happiness.  So.... "just in case" there is someone who still thinks of you fondly, who will always love you in some sort of way and who wishes you all the best in your new life with the woman you chose.  I'm going to Germany tomorrow, to hang out with someone super special and one of the reasons why I dated him was because he resembled you so much, how crazy am I?

So journal.... "just in case" I love you!

ps. "just in case" I miss my friend AJ very much!