The secret crush!

 Dear Journal -

Hi! Can I just say that I've been thinking a whole lot about you as of late? I sure have! I always think about what I need to write to you about next, and I mentally prepare my journal entry and think it through and then when I finally get to it, it never quite comes through the way I intended! So, on 12/22/21 you turned 11 years old journal! 11! wow! that's a long time ago! I never imagined 11 years ago that I would still have you or would still be telling my story to you and I definitely never thought that I would sort of be re-living certain situations! sometimes, my life feels like deja vu! It feels that way sometimes because no matter how old you are, if you are single, the same games are being played just different players are involved.  So, that is why journal I decided to be just like I was 11  years ago, I decided to do what I am really good at, which is "turning off my humanity" let me explain!

One of my favorite shows is the vampire diaries, I randomly will watch an episode and be like.... OH SHIT! I forgot about that! I absolutely LOVE vampires! their passion, their desires, their immortality! sure, we all typically live most of our lives in some sort of emotional chaos in my opinion and that is what being a vampire is like! so MANY EMOTIONS! in the show, when a vampire "turns off their humanity" what they basically do, is just shut down! so instead of their feelings being heightened, they tap into their "beast side" and become ruthless! That's what I've done lately! not really the ruthless part, mainly just letting go of things that hurt me and just pretty much shutting down.  I have absolutely NO desire to care for anyone and this is all inclusive family, friends and to be completely honest, not even my children!

I know this all sounds pretty fucked up, but I had to do this for my self love, I had to really take a look at people's roles in my life and consider, what if any, value or let me not use the term value as every human is valuable, but just what exactly I was giving and what exactly I was getting and if I was giving more, then why was I doing that? again, this includes my kids. Why do you ask I did this journal? well, when I think of me and my self love, I wonder, how can I love myself if I'm allowing others to walk all over me? How can I take care of my health and mental well being, if I let people treat me how ever they feel like it and why do I feel like these obligations to people when in reality no ONE, not even my children do anything for me? what about Jazzy? So when I shut down all of a sudden everything became very clear to me and I started to really take control of my life, including my work life which was taking a HUGE toll on me, I had to really think through what was important and what were my true obligations and that's how I shut down my humanity, I became a little selfish and a lot of peaceful!

I've been feeling really really good lately! I feel this sense of inner peace and freedom! I talk to those who I feel are people that truly care for me and that have  been there when I've needed someone to just hear me out, or when I needed to cry or when I needed to vent, there is less than a handful of people I can truly say I count on! As far as my kids, I had a conversation with them each and told them how I felt and the role they played in it all and well the only one that doesn't get it and I don't intend that she will for many years to come, is my teenage daughter, whom is really the ONLY one I still have an obligation to.  Other than that, I am on my own and I'm ok with that, because I rather be alone than in bad company or company that is not really serving my soul.

So, why the secret crush title you ask journal? well, this little tiny story that I'm about to tell you started around 6 years ago when I used to work at the shelter.  Part of my role there was to attend court some Monday's to pick up protection orders that were usually given out to victims of domestic violence.  Everyone at the shelter would always bitch and complain about the judge that was there weekly, but me on the other hand, when I firs saw him I was like.... WELL HELLO JUDGE! I thought he was sort of handsome, but mainly I was in awe about just the fact that he had all this power over everyone in his court room, basically, I was crushing over his power! because let's be honest here journal, what woman doesn't want a man in power? I've always had a thing for men in power, I don't know, it's something about well, their power that turns me on I guess! so, whenever someone would talk about this said judge, the sentence to follow would be like, XYZ, Jazzy's man! I have absolutely NO IDEA at which point he became "my man" but I wasn't going to complain about that comment, who am I to be upset about him being my man? fuck yea he was "my man" in my dreams! HA! truly though, I never like lusted over him, like I never sat around and imagined myself rolling around a bed with him, it wasn't that sort of crush, it was more so well... he was a man in power!

I eventually left that position moved to Oregon lived my life never ever again remembered the "Jazzy's man story" until I started my new position! so fast forward to summer of 2020, I start my new position and I'm told that as part of my role, I have to attend court, I'm like oh cool, I used to do that before, I'm also told I will be attending weekly meetings with one of the judges from the court so I'm like oh cool! so, I am ready to take notes for my very first meeting with said judge and when he comes on the call "it was virtual due to covid" my mouth drops and I'm like HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!! it's HIM! "MY MAN!" I automatically blushed even though there was not one soul in the room with me, just me in my living room on this call, so I same time my co-worker and tell her about this story and she's like OMG that is so hilarious! Needless to say word gets out on my team that well, he's "MY MAN" and the joke starts all over again, however, this time things are way different, I find out that he's happily married and I hear all these great things about him, so now I'm like WOW! not ONLY is he a "man in power" but in "real life" he's freaking awesome! now I'm sitting in these weekly meetings with him scared to death to open my mouth and when I have to speak I'm so freaking scared and feel so awkward, this man makes me feel like NO OTHER MAN DOES! but it's not sexual it's more like admiration or I don't know, the fact that "HE HAS POWER!" it's pretty insane! 

Then, the jokes with co-workers start and again I don't mind, you can call him my man all you want, we joke about how we think he "secretly says little things that are directed at me" which in reality he NEVER DOES! but, I have to communicate with him ore often, I have to write him letters and one day he sends me a message asking me for a reference, which that's all I'll say about that but I'm like holy shit this is so crazy! then the "crush" starts to fade and now I think of him more so with admiration because he truly cares about the community he serves and is so extremely smart and caring and really funny! and finally I tell people well I did used to "crush" on him, but now I just love him he's awesome!

But, the reason why I wanted to write this post was because something really awesome happened a few weeks ago that made me feel really good! So we are at court, he usually confuses me for moms, or someone else, he's constantly apologizing for doing so, but a few weeks ago, he's talking about an issue and then he says my name!!! MY REAL NAME! and I was like HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!!! he knows me now! ok, I'm sorry! but hell yes I'm happy about that! this means that he admires my work, that he values my work and that he knows my role.  He knows all the people on my team so for him to finally know me meant a great deal to me.  I was super touched and I may have blushed under my mask and after I messaged my co-worker and said... YOU SEE! he loves me too! hahahahaha..... 

Journal, I believe that it's good to have something to laugh about even if sometimes you are the "butt" of the joke! one day, when I leave my role, I will likely send him this post, because I want him to know how much admiration I've had for him for all these years! 

I'll leave you with.... The Jets - Crush on you!

The silent treatment the vicious bitch!

 Dear Journal -

I really want to stick to my weekly journal posts, my blog has been getting more views and I love that! I really really wish that I got more female followers, I started writing this blog wanting it to be directed at women, but I think I get more males reading my journal than females and I don't know this because the stats tell me so, I think this because since I've been "soliciting" om Tinder, I've gotten a lot of new FB page likes, and they are all from males.  I need to start looking for women sites where I can post my blog link.  I hope that someone can read something on here that resonates with them or that makes them feel like.... OH WOW, that happens to me too! the point of my journal is not really to tell my story, it's more so to tell others that we are all sort of kind of the same and we all go through shit and it's ok, that's life!  

Speaking of Tinder, the other day my friend sent me a screen shot of this woman going off on him because he had emailed her and his message simply said "cream pie?" so, the woman went off on him and he writes back to her and is like... What, you don't like cream pies? HA! he's so silly! we constantly laugh about Tinder shenanigan's because most of the time it's so ridiculous on that site.  Anyway, I wasn't even sure what "cream pie" was, I thought it had a completely different meaning than it does, which was hilarious! I told my friend what I thought it meant and he sent me the right "definition" and I was like OMG! I can't believe at my age I don't know such things! 

I get the impression that sometimes people think that I'm like this I don't know, like, sexual person who is constantly ready to bang anything that moves or constantly getting laid, and that is so far from the truth.  I don't want to write too much about my sexuality until I write my book, but I'm going to say this; yes of course I love to have sex, who doesn't? however, to me, sex is more about quality not quantity.  Lately, having sex is like this HUGE task for it to happen in my life that I decided to shut my sexuality down so I literally just try not to think about anyone or anything related to sex.  I've done this before in my life and when I do, life is just easier.  Celibacy is good for ones soul, I'm pretty much done trying to "have a sex partner."

When my ex and I broke up it was really hard for me at first no longer having a consistent sex partner and for a long time that's what I was looking for, I just wanted someone who respects me and vice versa, but that is always almost harder than trying to find a boyfriend, wtf! you would think sex is simple, but it never is.  During the summer I would be like, I almost just want a boyfriend so I don't have to like "find" someone to have as a sex partner, because doing that has been a fucking shit show, not the first time in my life I've been in this situation, it always goes down this way, mainly because people are not clear with their intentions or they lead you on and or emotions get involved, it's just never easy.  So for now, farewell sex, till we meet again!

Anyway, I wanted to write today about a subject that I have been thinking about writing for a very long time but I never get around to.  To be honest writing about it causes me a little bit of anxiety, but I think it is something that needs to be on my journal because well, not to long ago I did something that after I did it, I felt shitty for doing it.  Basically I went off on someone and "told him about himself" because I felt really hurt by this person and he did something to me that just really pushed my buttons and then the next thing you know I was being verbally abusive to him.  No, I did not curse at him, I just said really mean things that while they were probably true, it was the way I said them that was really shitty.  

After the fact, he never responded to me again, or he did but then I responded back and then I don't know what happened or I guess I do know what happened I was well, verbally abusive and told him I no longer wanted to be friends with him, so instead of us talking about all of this like two adults, he started to ignore me which then made me feel like in the end, I was the "bad guy" when in reality, I had went off because of his behavior toward me.  After, I was thinking about the whole situation and how he and I have behaved toward each other and that's what made me start thinking about the cycle of abuse. especially because this was not the first time that things between him and I had went down this way.  Since I've known him, it's always been the same story, he does something shitty, I go off and he stops talking to me for whatever amount of time.  He comes back around, we start hanging out again and the cycle repeats itself.  While he and I are not in an intimate relationship or dating or anything like that, our for la ack of a better term "friendship" usually ends in me saying mean shit and me being the "bad guy." 

I worked in domestic violence for 3 years of my life, I always try to check myself in situations that feel weird like that.  It feels like a "cycle of abuse" because I'm verbally abusive to him and he is mentally abusive toward me.  Why do you ask? well, ignoring someone is a form of abuse even if people don't want to accept or admit that it is.  When you ignore someone, you are leaving that person to wonder and think and try and figure out what happened? and while to me, someone not saying anything is everything, that is not the case with everyone.  I also do understand that some people shut down when they don't like the way they are being treated, but shutting down for a day or two is very different than completely ignoring someone after an incident between the two.  With regard to this person, after I realized that what I did was really shitty, I felt like I needed to apologize which in turn almost made it seem like he did nothing wrong and I was a bitch and when he ignored me, I realized that whatever he does to me, just shows me his level of maturity and confirms that maybe my idea about who he is as a person is true.  Regardless, what I never understand is why aren't people mature enough to just tell you how they feel about something you did to them and vice-versa.  I believe all people are abusive to a certain extent, I become a vicious bitch when I feel disrespected in some way, when someone hurts me or I feel used.  But is this really abuse or is it bad communication?

There are many forms of domestic violence, I worked with intimate partner violence.  I would have to do phone screenings of people that were homeless due to domestic violence, I say people because the shelter I worked for, took in men and women.  I would have to screen the callers, to figure out if they were eligible to stay at the shelter, based on what the caller was telling me.  While that was really hard to do, the main thing I would always have to remember was, is this persons intimate partner, having "power and control" over this person calling for help.  

Most times, I would hear stories such as the one I just wrote with regards to this person that has been in my life and I've been "abusive" to and vice versa. I would hear women/men say, he/she ignores me, he/she leaves all upset and doesn't talk to me for days, he/she curses me out and talks to other people about me, this person shoved me the other day while we were having an argument.  While all those examples are examples of abusive behavior, that is not having power and control over an intimate partner.

Power and control is when you literally have fear of doing something because the person you are with will be so upset that they will physically harm you, won't let you out of your house, makes you cut communication with your loved ones, you are no longer allowed to have friends, this person has access to all your personal information where you don't have your own privacy, when you are out with this person this person is watching you like a hawk to see what you are looking at and there is a fear for your life, your well being, you are gaslighted which basically means that this person makes you question everything about yourself and your actions and they blame you for everything and call you crazy and you start to question if you really are making any sense.  Domestic violence is not only between intimate partners, domestic violence can be between parents and kids, others in the family etc.  But basically, true domestic violence is someone else having power and control over you.

In the US, 72% of all murder-suicides involve an intimate partner.  

If you need help because you read this post and you feel that you are in an abusive relationship, please get help.  You are NOT alone. 

Call - 1-800-799-7233 or Website - National Domestic Violence page - https://ncadv.org/get-help 

Heavy topic! I will leave you with........ Frozen - Madonna

Friends or Benefits?

 Dear journal -

I feel like I have so much to say but nothing at all at the same time! It's been an interesting last few weeks in my life, I feel very disconnected from people and I also feel very connected to a few people, it's been interesting to sort of figure out who means something to me, who cares about me and who was just passing through.  I realize that people come and go from our lives and my whole life I've been very social and know so many people, but I don't really get close to many, my circle is very tiny and it mainly consists of people I've known for many many years.  My dearest friends are far away, yet they mean the world to me.  Time and time again when I've needed them it's literally only been a txt, email or phone call away and there they are ready to be there for me, I feel really loved by some people I genuinely do, It's a blessing to know that there are people out there that really genuinely care about you.

Tonight I want to write about my friend D! he's become someone very special to me in the weirdest way ever! some days, I am confused about my feelings for him, because they go from romantic to platonic all the time! sometimes I get mad at myself for ever even considering romantic feelings for him, but then he will do something that is so special that I'm like, well.... How can you blame a girl? sure, I blame those sometimes romantic feelings to the fact that there are days that I yearn that closeness to the opposite sex, but mainly I think that just the fact that we have spent the last 4 months getting to know each other as friends, has really given me a sense of like, I guess, for a lack of better term, a feeling of... OH! why did I ever rush this when it could have turned into something and now it's nothing and it will likely never be nothing but I don't feel a connection to him I just feel close to him! does that even make sense? like I literally send him screenshots of conversations I have with men on dating sites and he tells me about women he talks to or whatever and there have been a few times that I've found myself feeling a little jealous but the truth is while I am attracted to him and we've been intimate a few times, I rather have him in my life as a friend, then not have him in my life at all. He is slowly becoming my new man best friend sort of! it's soooo weird, I just don't have any other explanation for it.  

Anyway, one of the reasons why I've become so close to him and love him as a friend is because not to long ago I was going through something really really hard and I had messaged him a video and as I was making the video, I starting crying in the video and during the rest of that day, he kept checking up on me and trying to make me laugh and telling me it was going to be ok and that day, I decided that I rather have him as my friend and never ever again sleep with him again if that meant I would loose him! not that he's like ever trying to sleep with me or anything like that, but we have, but that's not what we share, it's bigger than that, it's true and real and sincere and I love him so much! 

Then there are those that you feel this incredible connection too, that whenever you are close to them you can't seem to get enough of them, the one that you miss and yearn for, the one that you think about all the time, the one that the moment you saw him there was no denying that the chemistry was like no other and then, that same person, let's you down time and time again and they claim to be your friend, but in reality, they aren't really in your life, they are just there for their own purpose, for their needs only and those are the men, that I want to stay away from, the ones that play with you because they can, because they know some way some how, they have an affect on you, they lead you on because they can and they do.  But in the end, who's loosing out? is it really me? how am I loosing something I've never had? Being in a room for moments that feel completely happy, being in a house that just being there is all you need to be contempt, leaving a house and knowing that once you leave, you mean nothing.  Once you step out the door, you don't exist until next time.  Connection, or just merely attraction?

I'm not making much sense but I want to put this on my journal because most often than not, since I have a nasty temper I will say shitty things that in the end, I am the "bad guy" but if someone has apologized to you about their behavior toward you numerous times, then who is at fault here, is it me for guarding myself and getting angry and saying mean things, or is it the person that pushed your limits to make you say such things, the one to blame? If I say mean things to someone, they must have hurt me, pretty darn bad, because for the most part, I don't do that to people, I only turn into a vicious bitch, when I feel that someone is disrespecting me or using me or playing with me as if I'm some dumb bitch, that doesn't deserve a little bit of love and a lot of respect!

So, I had a dream about Benjamin Nunez last night! HOLY SHIT!!! that was sooo crazy journal! like I literally don't think about Benjamin ever really! I don't even visit his FB page anymore.  Also, I don't dream often or well, everyone dreams daily but I don't remember my dreams, so this morning I woke up and I was like.........WOW! that felt so real! I meant to write this post earlier and couldn't and now I can't remember what the dream was about, but it was crazy that I had such a vivid dream with him.  

In other Jazzy news, I am currently matched with 947 men on tinder! what the actual fuck! that seems to be all the available men in CO from the ages of 32-52 ha! yea, I mean not all of them message me of course and I never ever message anyone, but I've had some fun with people that message me and I have zero interest in anyone at the moment which feels AMAZING! like I just feel really great about my single life right now! I'm feeling like the old single me! I remember I used to cry some nights when things were going really bad with my ex and I would think, I miss being single so bad! I was good at being single, I suck at being in a relationship! I would often tell him, that I wasn't the relationship type and he was and how I could guarantee that we would break up and he would be in a serious relationship right away and who knows if I would ever do that shit again, and sure enough, here I am doing my damn single thing, and re-learning how to be single, it's so much fun! 

I think the only way I would be in a relationship is if things just like, evolved into that or I don't know, the person and I just felt that strong bond almost instantly! you know, like you are with that person and when you spend time together it just feel perfect, it just feel right and not just to one person but to both of us and there is no fear because it's just magic! and I know that magic isn't real, but you ever spend time with someone and the time goes by so fast and it feels so good when they are around and when they aren't you think of them and you don't fear sending a message and they don't fear sending a message because you know the other person is there with you? that, to me is real and legit and not scary and if it doesn't play out that way..... it's not meant to be and you just have fun in the moment and live your life! no expectations, just living!

I think I will be going to Vegas for New Years! I can't wait, I have not had a great New Years in YEARS! this year, I'm planning on ending it with a bang! and I don't know if I will get you know "banged" as that is not the reason why I'm going to Vegas, but you never know journal, cause you know what they say......... WHAT HAPPENS IN VEGAS....STAYS IN VEGAS!!! ta ta journal!

I've been listening to so many old school songs lately, mainly because when I am sad and going through a lot of things, I find a time where I was happy and listen to the music that brings me back there because being here is too painful! so I will leave you with......Mr. Telephone Man by New Edition.

Why men love bitches!

 Dear journal -

Life has been a bit much lately and I don't really want to talk about it, so instead, I decided to write my book report! I have not written about a book in some time, and I'm not sure how this post will carry out as I honestly haven't finished the book because it's been really hard to read and concentrate on what I'm reading lately, however, I really do want to write about it. 

The only thing I do want to share journal, is that the end of last month and this month so far, has been really hard for me.  I am going through so much! I feel really lost and sad, I feel like I lost a whole lot and yet I also feel like I am finally loving myself for the very first time in my whole life! for the first time, I choose me! I don't know how to be selfish because I usually am not, but I want to be, because why not?

I just cried a little while ago reading a post from 2011, that appeared on my list of most recently read blog posts.  I never know who reads my journal, but it will give me statuses such as, how many visits I am getting and what posts have been visited.  I love that, because someone will read a post I completely forgot about and then it will come up I will read it and feel all sorts of things! This post from 2011, I specifically remember when I wrote it.  It was one of the last times I saw Benjamin Nunez on the 1 train in NYC.  He got off on 14th street Union Square and that was the last time I set my eyes on him.  I will never forget the way my heart felt heavy as the train rode away and I saw his silhouette become smaller.  The silhouette, which coincidentally is the picture I have as my journal picture.  That silhouette was once his blog picture and I stole it at first and then asked him if I could have it.   I wrote about it and I will share the link to that post at the end of this one.

So, why do men love bitches according to author Sherry Argov? I've still yet to understand why? what I get out of this book is what we all pretty much know, which is.... men like to chase and if the more they have to chase you the more they want you! She pretty much goes into details about how to be chased and play the "game" to me, this is all bullshit! I literally hate being chased! it feels so fake! if I like someone and they like me, there will be non of that, so basically, I'm not going to play some game so that someone will "want me" the fuck! however, everything she says is true, all the tips and tricks are valid, I know for a fact that if you have the energy for all of that bullshit then sure, you will likely get the man you want, but why the fuck would I want to do all that work to "get" someone? I want someone to want me because they see me! they value me, they respect me, they think I'm great! no game required! every single person I've ever been in a serious committed relationship with, there have been no games played, at least not initially! my last relationship though, I definitely during the relationship found myself playing the "cat and mouse game" whenever my ex and I were going through stuff, I naturally would pull away and the more he felt that he was loosing me, the harder he would work to "get me back" but then, once we made up and things were good, we would stop the "game."

I have never been the type of woman who will like, fall for someone because they chased me, I definitely have seen how everything she says in the book is valid though, because I've "played the game" without meaning too! By this I mean that I have rejected people in the past that wouldn't take no for an answer and this gave them more like incentive to "keep trying" except I legitimately didn't want them too and it became really frustrating! I am very honest about my feelings always have been.  Even as a teenager when I didn't really know about the "chase" if I didn't like a boy I would be like, I'm sorry, I just don't like you! 

I do admit that at one point in my life I was like, well, what if I give this friend a chance maybe I'll eventually see him for what he is and fall in love with him.  Unfortunately, that never happened! when I am going to like someone, I know right then and there! if I don't like you romantically right then and there, I will never feel that way for that person.  This is just who I am, I HATE being chased! now, that doesn't mean that if I like someone and they show me attention I don't like it! obviously when I like someone romantically I want to be showered with it, but other than that, I feel so bad to turn someone down, it always feels crappy!

I have met women in my life time that thrive on this! they know the "game" and have gotten even fake boobs out of it! ugh! I could never use someone and play with their feelings to gain material things, but I've watched it happened so many times! sometimes I used to feel awkward when I knew a girlfriend of mine didn't really like someone and was just using them for whatever they were getting out of it.  Now, I always tell girlfriends.... If you don't like him, don't lead him on, that's not cool! Karma is real!

So I guess my review of this book is, if you want to learn about men and like their evolutionary behavior, then knock yourself out! read it! enjoy! learn some tricks of the trade I don't know what else to say about it! But, if you have studied human behavior or evolution or any of the likes, then I would say it might not be as an interesting read as it would be if you didn't know all these things!

At the end of the day, I don't think any man would love a bitch! I believe that a man wants to be loved just as hard as a woman does! Male emotions are very deep, very beautiful, very hard to understand and very complicated not only to themselves, but also to us women! while I understand them some times, I still don't always get them!

https://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2011/04/story-of-silhouette.html

https://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2011/05/story-of-silhouette-part-ii.html

Jazzy's Bio

 Dear Journal -

When I first started writing this journal almost 11 years ago, I had a little bio about myself and they made some changes at some point to blogger and my short bio disappeared. I don't even recall what it said, it was something like a mother, student, life long learner.  

While I was on my flight going to Colombia and usually on any flight I get on, my iPhone and start writing.  On the flight to Colombia I was thinking about my journal and how I had neglected you for a really long time and how being back on here writing felt like me and how much I love this little piece of me.  So, I decided to write a bio.  I just posted it on the main page but it's really long so I will have to keep working on it to make it shorter, but I wanted to put it on these pages as part of my journal page as I will need it for later referencing.  

While I'm on here writing, I have to report that I've had a very weird week, as well as challenging and emotional! (shocker!).  I had a really rough day the other day at work and I can't really go into details about it here, but it made me think and question whether I'm doing the right type of work or not.  My heart tells me that I am, my mind tells me that I need to make changes. I also thought to myself that if by the time my granddaughter is 5 I haven't met someone and am not in a serious relationship here in CO, I will likely move back to the east coast.  I know that's really sort of stupid basing such a huge decision like moving back home on my love life, but I think that if I am going to be true to myself, then that's how I am feeling right now, if in 5 years I'm still sitting here alone on my bed without anyone to love, I'm moving back home, because at least at home, I have lots of family and by then, my granddaughter will be bigger and can visit me for the summer and my son will be older and more mature and will not need me as much as he may be needing me now (for support that is and not financially, just support).  Anyway, I thought about these things this week because I was having a really rough week, non of this is set in stone, but as my Psychology professor once told us, always have a 5 year plan, always be working toward something, it doesn't need to happen exactly how you planned it and always be open to changes, as humans we need a plan and a purpose.  

Journal, without further a-do here is my very short bio: copied and pasted from my iPhone. 

Proud mother of 3 wonderful children who are no longer kids but will always be my babies. Grandmother to a beautiful baby girl. Born in Colombia, S.A. my parents migrated to Brooklyn, NY when I was 3 and left me in Colombia with my amazing grandparents.  They brought me to the states when I was 6 and I lived in Brooklyn, NY from the age of 6 until the age of 14 when we moved to Queens, NY.  I attended HS first in Queens, NY then finished my HS education at an alternative HS in the Lower East Side of Manhattan. Received my Bachelors in Psychology from the City University of New York, Brooklyn College. Currently I am a Social Caseworker in Colorado, working with justice involved youth. I’ve been writing journals ever since I can recall knowing how to write. I love to write.  I share my life with others with the purpose and hope that whomever comes across these pages they may find something that resonates with them and with hopes that people feel that what they may experience and go through in life is not very different than what I go through. I share my feelings, struggles, ever changing love life, and thoughts to let others know that we are all so closely alike.  My hope almost 11 years ago when I started this blog, was to have lots of women readers, but it turns out that I get more men readers, I am not sure why.  Thank you for visiting my journal. Please feel free to leave a comment or thought, I love interacting with others and sharing ideas!

I will leave you with, one of the first rap songs I heard as a kid.  Sugar Hill Gang - Rappers Delight.

All because of you

Dear Journal -

I've been planning to come up with a second cuddle buddy application but I've been so tired and busy I haven't had time to really sit around give it enough thought.  There isn't a lot going on to write about to be honest, lately for some reason I have been listening to a lot of R&B music and posting some of it on my snapchat story because I have to say I am really liking snapchat, it's just cool the way is set up and I enjoy all the little memes it has.  

I had set up a snapchat account years ago when I first met my ex and neither he or I could get into it so neither one of us had it, then one day he had went to California (that's where he grew up) to visit his family and when he got back I see that he has snapchat and I'm like, why do you have snapchat all of a sudden? and he's like, oh I only use it to talk to my cousin from New Mexico, WELL... He was actually using it to talk to the woman he cheated on me with (fucking hoe bag) sorry journal! but that girl had a man and was cheating on her man with my man! wtf! UGH! every now and then I will see some girl that kind of sort of resembles her and I have to do a double take, like.... is that her? anyway, didn't get on here tonight to talk about that whole situation. Anywho, once he and I broke up I got snapchat again and was using it a little but now I use it more often and learned how to use it so it's fun!

Today I was posting a bunch of music I was listening to and it dawned on me that one of the people I have on there as a friend is someone that I sort of kind of had a something with, he and I still talk but just like chat here and there and today, I was like oh fuck! this dude might think I'm posting that music and it's being directed at him! One thing about him is that he SWEARS I'm crazy about him! LMFAOOOO.  I don't know if he knows about this journal and if he ever comes on here and reads it, but if he ever does, I assure you journal that I'm not crazy about him.  I am not crazy about anyone but myself! 

I did go on a date last weekend and it was probably the worse most unhappy date ever! UGH! this is EXACTLY why I don't waste my time! like you are sitting there being all pleasant with someone you have absolutely no interest in what's so ever only because "that's what needs to happen" in order to meet someone to maybe love at some point, yea no! it's just a waste of time! after my horrid date, I went and met up with my friend D, who I love and who told me he reads you journal! and told me that he thought I had a lot of interesting stories and thinks I should definitely write a book one day! AWE!!!! I love that kid! thank you D if you are reading this! (insert smiley face here).  

Anytime someone tells me they read my journal it really fills my heart with joy, because that just means that people are interested in knowing, what is going on in Jazzy's world? unfortunately lately there isn't anything to exciting to report as the dating scene has been sour! BUT, I do keep trying and I do keep chatting and I do still believe that somewhere out there, my true love is running around with all the wrong wenches! 

Journal, without anything further to report, I will leave you with the song that I can't seem to stop listening too......... And it doesn't make me think of my snapchat friend, who probably thinks that I was posting it directing it at him........NOPE! if I have a song that makes me think of you, I'll send it on over! I have nothing to hide or loose! 

Ne-Yo - All because of you

There's something about Tinder!

"Dating is a lot like fishing, sometimes catch and release is the best method" 

Dear Journal -

I have been so tired lately! it's been so stressful with all the work that I have and just all the pieces that need to be completed in the type of work that I do, furthermore, my work can be an emotional roller coaster, It's like I can't work without emotions because I work with youth and the more that I get to know them, the more I love them and think of them as my own, so it gets tough to try and separate.  My oldest son and middle son don't want me to do this job anymore, but I feel like my work has only just began and that I have to stay in this role for some time, I am not sure for how long, but a part of me feels like I just can't move from it, because I feel that if I left and went to do something else, I would really miss these kids.  Most of them are all over the place and I always tell them this.... It's ok if you feel all over the place! I'm 50 and I'm all over the place! it's how you deal with each situation that matters, it's learning how to cope that's important.  I genuinely think most of these kids have love for me, they are just all so very special in their own way and I really enjoy being around them and learning from them, my favorite part is that they think they know it all, and in my head I'm always like..... if you only knew what is still to come! jeez!

Anyway, I was with one of the girls that is on my caseload the other day, and she was like, can we pick up my boyfriend? so I'm like, sure and then jokingly I'm like, but no kissing in my car! I don't need to be reminded that I haven't been kissing anyone in God knows how long at this point! so she's like fine I won't kiss in your car, but we need to find you a man! hahahahaha....she's like, are you on any dating sites? so I'm like, well I was on tinder but I got off a few weeks ago and she goes, tinder? do you not know that's a hook up site! oh my God! this kid had me laughing so hard because these kids they are just so real with me sometimes, and that is what I LOVE about my job! I love that these kids the ones that I have the pleasure of working with, they are just REAL! and even the ones that have lied to me about stuff, at some point tell me they lied to me to which I say, yea I know! I was just waiting for you to tell me the truth.  

Anyway, talking to her made me laugh but also made me miss tinder kind of sort of, especially because I got so many FB page followers off of that site. I am also on some other random sites, but that one specifically got me some good following on my FB page, so many, that last month (October) I got over 200 hits on my blog, that's really good! I only write 1x a week, I basically say nothing remotely important sometimes not even entertaining, yet off my tinder I got a bunch of new FB likes which in turn creates curiosity which in turn gets people clicking on my blog (thank you by the way!).  I don't know who is reading my stuff unless they tell me or unless they comment which I don't get comments, but I've gotten emails on my FB page from men that have read stuff on my blog and I've also gotten emails on tinder from men talking to me about stuff I've written which makes me feel really happy, because I think back of when I started this blog and the efforts that I put into it and I've been re-reading some of my posts and I'm like.... awe! I remember when that happened and I've also cried at some of the posts I wrote and I've also forgotten some of the things I've written so I just love you so much journal!

The thing is that being on dating sites gets exhausting and then there are the assholes that want to say things that make my blood boil and then there are the ones that live thousands of miles away talking about I will fly to you just to see you! ...... UM... YEA! OK! this girl right here will never do long distance ever again! The other thing is that everyone I match with is in Denver or like miles away and ain't nobody got time to be driving all kinds of miles to see people or I don't know, I'm just not feeling it lately, I also have been feeling very like, lazy about getting to know anyone or any of that shit, so I don't know, while part of me wants to "stay in the game" the other part of me is like, who gives a shit if anyone is reading my posts? this is MY JOURNAL! I love this journal!

In other Jazzy news, I told my friend the story of Benjamin Nunez! remember him? my inspiration for this journal? anyway, I told her the brief version of the story how I was his "stalker" except he pretty much lead me on, the whole time I "stalked him" and then how at the end when we saw each other again he said stuff like.... OH YEA, I SAW THAT! when I made a reference to something I had posted on either twitter or FB, and then how he was like..... it was SO HARD, not to respond to you! really asshole? was it hard for you to continue to play with my head with your posts? let's be honest here, we both did this to each other and the game ends now! which it did, after we took a class together for 6 or 8 weeks (can't remember) then I told her how every week during our class breaks I would run outside to central park and cry because being around him was probably one of the hardest things I ever had to do! such a crazy fucking story that I swear if it weren't for my niece that witnessed the whole thing and also my ex co-worker in NY, no one would believe me and I genuinely would look like a stalker! I think in his mind and in my mind and the weird feelings we shared for each other, what we were both doing was "ok" and being around each other again after all those years, because everything started out live and direct like we knew each other in person initially, gave us the closure that we both needed to move on from that crazy story!

Now when I think back at that time in my life, I realize that I did all of it to "be in love" because being in love with someone I couldn't have, was safer than giving my love to someone "in real life" because loving was too scary! then along came my ex who broke down all my walls only to break me all over again! Fuck my life sometimes for real! 

Journal, I want to leave you with, this post I wrote back in 2012 about me being a "stalker" I just re-read it and it made me cry.  I still can't believe that was me! I love you journal!

https://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2012/09/stop-stalking-me-bih.html

Maroon 5 - Beautiful Mistakes 

La Scapigliata - Leonardo Da Vinci

 Dear Journal - 10/25/21

I'm so exhausted I've been working really long hours there is a lot going on at work (good) but bad.  I don't ever really write about my work because for starters there is a lot of confidential stuff I can't write about, and while lately I've been thinking a lot about my job as a domestic violence advocate which I did about 3 1/2 years ago and want to write about some of the things that I experienced while I worked there, I'm just too tired to get into it right now.

It is nearly midnight and I'm so exhausted but I HAVE to write to you journal, because I made a promise to post once a week, and while this promise is just to myself, if I can't keep promises to my number one... ME, then how will my word be my bond? 

I came on here tonight to tell you about one of my tattoos....... Continuation...... I'm to tired to keep writing GN journal!

10/26/21

Journal last night I couldn't keep my eyes opened!

10/29/21

Journal, this is the 3rd time I try and write this week but I've been sooooo exhausted, I could not keep my eyes opened and by the time I would start to write, I had to just stop and go to sleep.  Here I am trying again, today I feel pretty good, maybe because yesterday I got to go to my  boxing class which I really enjoy! I've been going only once a week, but I think I will try to go 2x per week, as it's such a great work out and the energy there is always so fun! 

I wanted to tell you journal about my tattoo, La Scapigliata! ok first and foremost, I did not know the paintings name and always called her DaVinci's angel, because whenever I googled that, that is the portrait that came up.  La Scapigliata (head of a woman) is a painting from the 1500's.  I think I saw this painting for the first time while watching the movie Ever After, starring Drew Barrymore, since I saw it, I became fascinated by it.  One day a few months ago, someone told me that he thought all tattoos should be meaningful, while that's typically the case, I never really thought of tattoos that way, to me, a tattoo is a form of art and I love art and my very first tiny tattoo that I got on the strip in Las Vegas for $20 dollars about 8 years ago, is a tiny heart and it has absolutely no meaning.  I did not get tattoos when I was younger because I get tired of things and I never had anything that I wanted on my body that I may not regret later.  Now I'm 50 so I can put whatever I want on my body it doesn't matter, I highly doubt I will be regretting any of my tats at this point.  

So, this past spring I got into the show inked and I got really pumped about getting more tattoos, so I started to give thought to what I wanted.  I thought of getting her because she's absolutely beautiful and I remember when I first saw her, she made me think of me and she looks sad to me and I feel like most of my life I've been more sad than happy, when I talked about this painting with my art professor in college, he told me he saw her and saw a smile.  She still looks sad to me, but I had to get her.  I wanted to find a really good artist because if the artist messed this portrait up, I would of been pissed! but instead of being pissed I am SO HAPPY I GOT THIS TAT! the artist was lovely! and he did a beautiful job! I am so happy with the tattoos he gave me.  We did two in one day and it took about 6 hours of some pain, good pain! (insert smile here).  

I don't have much more to report about journal, my life lately has consisted of work work work! no dating, no boys, no love life! Back to my "hibernation mode" I have no interest in anyone what's so ever and I like it that way! I am not saying that if I get on the train and lock eyes with a man and we start talking because the train is going really fast and I accidentally bump into him I won't like "give him a chance" but oh wait! there are no trains in Fort Collins, CO and that is just a fantasy in my mind about this "man" on the train.... So never mind, probably not happening on the train, although I will be visiting NY again sometime soon so.... One never knows! but for now, in my reality not in my imagination, nothing like that is happening.  I've actually been really focused on my work, it's been emotional and challenging and I feel drained but also productive and helpful. One day I will write my story and talk about all the interesting jobs I've had, always an adventure when it comes to my work!

So, I leave you tonight journal with this.....

My Tat.... La Scapigliata.... ps. it's 2:30 am and this was the best pic I could take of it myself!

And now she's 50...........

I wrote this on the plane on my way home from Colombia, SA.  I didn't re-read or edit it and I want to post it as I have not been on here for about two weeks and I missed you journal! side note, some old posts came up that I had not read in years and when I read them again I cried! I'm so happy to have you journal! the true events of my life! I never lie to you and I only hope that if one day I am blessed with the gift of a man that is truly going to love and respect me, that he will be ok with me having you, because you mean the world to me! My little piece of the world wide web!

Dear Journal

Last week was my birthday and I had the opportunity to celebrate it in Colombia! The last time I spent a birthday there I was 15 years old and actually, the trip was my bday gift from my parents because I LOVED visiting my grandparents every year!

This trip was very very different and the whole time I was there I felt like there was something missing, which there was, my grandmother was no longer there and the last time I was there which was about two years ago almost to the day, I had been there to say goodbye to my second mom because she was very ill and it would be the last time I would see her. Being there without her was pretty hard, Colombia just didn’t feel the same. I miss and love her and my granddad so much! They raised me from the time I was born until I was about 6 when my parents were able to bring me to the U.S.

My birthday was really special! I had about 30 to 40 guests and everyone danced until about 2am. I couldn’t believe how many people came and I truly felt loved! As gifts I asked everyone to bring non perishable food to be donated. It was awesome how much food people brought me! A few days later my mom took the food to a nearby church and my mom said that the priest was really happy because there are so many people that go to the church to ask for food and sometimes he has nothing to give away, this made my heart ache that there are still people in this world that have no food and here in the US people throw food out like it’s no big deal! (Insert sad face here) I was happy that people gave me lots of food to donate!

The whole day which was also the day I flew out, I kept wondering if my ex would message me to say something anything at all. Last time I heard from him was probably May and I have been thinking about him a lot wondering how he is doing as I don’t really have anyone to ask. So, after the party at around 2:30 I had a chance to look at my phone and he had sent me an email around 2:30 that afternoon and his message was horribly mean and so deeply hurtful. I was feeling kind of nice so when I read it I broke down and cried so hard, the worse part was that I wasn’t even crying about the mean words but more so because he messaged me and I was so glad to hear from him and sad that he is still in a dark hard place and I can’t do anything at all about it. So while my bday started off really good, I guess it ended pretty sad.

I don’t even want to repeat to you journal his mean words, but let’s just say he’s wished death upon me yet again, how come he hates me so much? (Insert sad face here).

Well, all in all I had an amazing time with my family and got myself 7 new tattoos! Im so addicted! My ex brother in law is a tattoo artist and he hooked me up with a few small ones as he’s still Learning so I guess I serviced as his human canvas!

I also got a some from someone who’s pretty darn good and hot! While my cousin and I were there getting my tats we were both enjoying the eye candy! Had so much fun!

My best friend reminded me that in my early 20’s I would always say I would never get a tattoo but then I did start to like them and then I loved them but didn’t know what to get so I waited until later in life on purpose and now my family is probably thinking I’ve lost my shit or I’m crazy but journal, how don’t they already know all of this about me by now? I’m Jazzy, I just do shit! No rhyme or reason!

Give a little respect - erasure 

Want to suck my DI@K?

 Dear journal -

I'm sad to report that I don't have much to report and that is typically not like my life! But I legitimately have nothing exciting to tell you! I am really tired because my two female cousins came out for a visit from Miami, so I was running around with them, I had such a great time! they left last night and I did not get home until pretty late from dropping them off, so today I feel so exhausted like I can't do anything and I need to find the strength to do some sort of work out. 

I guess maybe I can tell you about a message that I received on Tinder last night actually, that typically would throw me into a rage, but that yesterday I initially got pissed but then I was like, why am I letting someone that is clearly lost and confused and stupid, make me angry? so I match with some rando and he sends me a message and the message read... "you want to suck my dick?" after feeling that little desire of punching him dead straight in his face and kicking him in his balls my response was... Of course I want to suck your dick! actually I'm on here exclusively to suck dicks for free and also, that is all I ever do is suck dicks, so absolutely no problem! obviously he got the tone of my message as me being sarcastic and he responded... sry.  I read his bio and he was like, I just went through a break up she hurt me pretty bad replaced me in 2 weeks would love a rebound blah blah and I was like.... Why do fuck do we humans do these things? some woman hurt him so now he's been disrespectful to me? anyway, I didn't have time for it so I unmatched from him.

When I got back on Tinder I made my profile so that I could actually meet people, but I think I'm ready to make it my marketing site again, I genuinely have zero interest in actually meeting anyone at the moment.  I talk to a few people here and there but literally that's all I do is chat, no meeting no any of that, I'm good I'm in my zone as I like to call it, just focused on myself my family etc. if I happen to meet someone that is cool and asks me out for a drink or whatever sure, but I could care fucking less if I meet someone or not! am I a little bitter about the opposite sex at the moment? yes, I have felt lead on 2x now and I don't appreciate it or what to play games with anyone.  I literally am always so honest with people about my intentions but people don't know how to do that with me so whatever.  My time is to precious to waste on those who don't see how amazing I am! I'm not even being conceded or whatever.  I'm a GREAT catch! for men of any age! I know how to respect my man, treat him good, give him love, be there for them as their support, I'm a great lover and a fighter if I need to defend my guy! so I'm not going to settle for less than what I deserve end of story!

Anywho, I will be on my way to Colombia to celebrate my bday this Friday, Oct. 1 I am looking forward to my trip! I'm getting some tattoos done and that is what I'm most excited about! I cannot wait! I also tried deactivating my FB page as I find myself to immersed on social media and truly believe that it's a huge waste of my time, but then I had to get back on because it's the only way I can manage my FB page I've tried figuring out how to add another account to manage my page but FB makes it almost impossible, so I had to get back on ha! ridiculous! I am trying to make reading a priority as I feel dumb as fuck lately! I need to constantly feel like I'm learning something! I have a few books I want to read so hopefully I will stay true to myself and stay off of FB as much as possible.  It's so damn addictive!

Journal, I shall write you some more upon my return from my trip.... ta ta!

I will leave you with... Instant Crush - Daft Punk

Another one bites the dust!

 Dearest Journal -

I was thinking this past week, man I need to start either having an exciting life or start thinking about things to write about, because I have to say that I don't have very much at all to report! I guess the most exciting thing that's about to happen for me is that I will be leaving to Colombia, SA on vacation on Oct. 1 and I will arrive on Oct. 2 my birthday! I already wrote about how I feel about this big birthday, but I also feel very grateful that I am making it to this birthday.  I think that to a certain extent I can be a little ungrateful.  How many people my age are going through all sorts of things.  I can't allow myself to fall into some like boo hoo thing where I'm complaining.  I need to always stay positive and ask for nothing but positive things to happen and they will.  The law of attraction! you create your own reality with your thoughts, I 100 percent believe that to be true.

My last post I wrote about someone that I was getting to know and how all we did was text or actually Snapchat, well, that is now over and done with! lasted all of maybe a month? Here is the thing journal, partially I was forcing myself to like someone new because it feels like that is what I should be doing, but in reality, I'm good, I don't feel like I need to be in like this crazy serious type situation right now.  He and I were messaging each other almost all day everyday and that was fun and all, but if  you don't make time for me, then what are we? I am not completely seeking an emotional connection, I don't necessarily need to be completely committed to any one person.  I've been thinking about what it is that I want and I want something chill, I want someone that isn't going to be running around with a bunch of other people, that makes some time to see me and message me when we aren't together.  I don't need to talk to you all day every day and I don't need to spend every moment that you are free with you either, I don't need to be with this person 24/7 I don't even need to be out and spending time going to movies or dinners or hiking, biking any of that! I have SO MANY FRIENDS! I mean sure eventually one day it would be amazing to have all of that but I realize that those things take time, but for now those are my needs.  I would also LOVE to have someone that we have amazing sexual chemistry! BUT apparently my needs are WAY TOO MUCH for these men out here in Colorado! God forbid I want to receive a text or call from someone that I'm sleeping with to ask how my week is going! or God forbid I want the person I'm texting with nearly all day every day to be like hey Jaz what are you doing? come over let's hang out! NOPE, shit is REALLY hard out here in these streets! apparently that shit is HARD AS FUCK FOR DUDES! so, I'm just chilling!

I don't believe in ghosting people or being mean or any of that immature shit, my friend thinks I give men way too much of an explanation when I don't want to continue talking to them or whatever, she says I don't owe anyone anything.  She also thinks that it makes me out to be crazy.  Well, if someone is too immature or doesn't know how to deal with or take feedback from someone who actually knows what she wants and isn't playing games with them and isn't leading them on and is honest, genuine and real as fuck, then I don't care if I seem crazy! not my problem what people think of me.  My rule is treat others the way I want to be treated! and while that doesn't usually happen, I believe in karma and I am not about to treat anyone shitty! So, my snapchat buddy was on a trip and I waited until he got back from his trip to watch his actions.  I knew he was going to be free for a few days before he got his daughter back and so I was like, if he doesn't ask to see me, that's it I'm done! he never asked, hey you want to hang out? even though while he was away he was like I need some cuddles! Don't fucking tell me you want to cuddle if that isn't your intention! why is it that men like to talk talk talk and never back up their fucking words? Well, Jazzy did what Jazzy does or well not really, Jazzy usually let's people sort of have it and can be a bitch! instead, I unfriended him on my snapchat and the next evening I got a text message and he was like did I do something to upset you? and I simply said, no actually you haven't, but it's clear to me that you are not that into me and I don't want to continue to waste your or my time.  He said something like I'm trying really hard to get out of my comfort level or something to that affect and my response was, well, when a man likes a woman he finds time for her,

 It also works the other way around, when a woman likes a man, she will make time for him too! this isn't only about men, this is women too! I have watched in my lifetime sooooo many women lead men on, keep them around until they found someone they really liked! so it goes both ways! people think it's ok to string you along and I'm not about to waste months on anyone, especially because I don't like talking to a bunch of people at the same time, just not me.  I'm not a man and am not going to be a man because "that's how you have to play the game." Anyway, he admits to what I said sort of and then I was pretty fucking annoyed and wanted to be like..... So, how much fucking longer did you plan on stringing me along? but instead Jazzy said, I wish you the best and we are friends don't ever hesitate to say hello but I will need some space from talking to you for some time I hope you understand! He said he totally got that and said he thought I was really cool, which to that I responded yea I know! and that's the last I've spoken to him!

He did add me back on in snapchat so we are connected there still, but he has not been messaging me anymore, which I'm ok with.  To be honest I only missed him the first like two days and sure I miss chit chatting with him, which I knew I would, but I don't only want to "chit chat" with anyone, I talk to so many people all day long I'm good! I genuinely didn't feel a connection with him, as I said, I was forcing myself to want to like someone or feel close to someone, I didn't and so it's all good! I am actually not feeling down lately about being single or any of that, I had a pitty party one day and talked to my friend about it and he made me feel really good and then that was the end of that!

Winter is still coming though! but my cuddling is looking grimmer and grimmer by the minute! thank God I have a bunch of pillows and lots of warm blankets! What's meant to be will be and I don't need to do anything at all right now other than continue to be open to the possibilities and to the fact that I KNOW there is a wonderful man out there with all the wrong women that will find his way to me one day! and I will treat him like a king! and he will treat me like a queen! I KNOW how to treat someone and I KNOW how to make someone happier in their happy life, I'm not worried journal! all is pretty well in my world! I'm super grateful to the universe and God for all the wonderful people and things that I have in my life!

I will leave you with..... Another one bites the dust! hahaha this is so funny! 

Textationship.....

 Dear Journal -

I wrote a whole post the other day and didn't post it because I noticed that on there I was going on this crazy rant that was so ridiculous, I was to embarrassed to put it out there! I haven't even re-read it because I think honestly that I was kind of sort of feeling tipsy and I was just to blunt, to well, myself! Life has been pretty good lately, the best part of my current life is that I don't wake up and the first thought is my ex! I told my friends last year that if by this year at this time I was still crying or not over my ex an intervention would have to take place and I would need to catch a beat down because I would not allow ANYONE to control my thoughts and my mental well being for more than a year! I literally set that up as a goal! And I realize that every journey is different and I'm not saying that you can't take longer to heal from a break up, but for me, I did not want to be in that bad place for too long, it was devastating! in 2 days it will be a year that we officially broke up and I remember it so vividly, I was in physical pain, I had to call in sick to work because I could not function and I cried all day long and it was just one of the hardest days I can remember, my ex broke me!

Now, I am not saying that I don't still think of him pretty often, I am not saying that I don't still love him, I love him with all my heart! I will likely always love him in a way and yes, I may have been drunk a few weeks ago and I may have sent him an email telling him that I missed him, that I hope he was well, that I had loved him with everything that I am and that I hope one day he will not hate me or feel whatever it is he feels towards me that keeps him from speaking to me.  As I anticipated, he never responded, but that made me happy because it told me that he is in a bit of a better place than he was a few month ago when he wished death upon me like 5x.  I know that people always say things like.... You need to not contact your ex, or you need to just let him go or, get over it already.  But the reality is that this was not just some dude I was with for a few months, this was the person I almost married and I could care the fuck less what anyone expects me to feel or where to be in my process, If I feel like messaging the person that wished death upon me because I don't hold grudges, then I will.  I never want to live with regrets and messaging him that night was something that my soul needed, because I felt still and maybe still feel, this heavy weight of like, we didn't close this chapter out in a peaceful manner, I haven't had the luxury of being like, thanks I'm so happy that we are now good! So, maybe I will never get that from him, but he knows me well enough to know, that I have to be the one that leaves things without carrying a grudge or feeling like I didn't say something nice in the end because that is who I really am! however, I do feel a whole lot better and I am ready to start a new chapter of my life.

So, I met someone maybe like a month ago I can't remember and I'm hoping that he hasn't found out about you journal, because he found me on Instagram and told me how I showed up as someone he may know, but he's never mentioned FB or anything like that.  I don't have a link to my blog on Instagram I don't think.  The reason why I would prefer he not know about you yet journal, is because I want him to know me and once I'm ready I will tell him about it.  

With out further a do, let me tell you about D journal.  I met him on tinder and on tinder his name was well, D! I never message people I match with because they never respond! like literally anyone I've ever matched with that I reach out to first don't respond, so a long time ago, I decided I would never reach out to anyone again, typically I just swipe on people I find attractive or whatever and then if they reach out to me I will take the time and read their bio.  He messaged me and when I read his bio, it was pretty short but it said dad bod and that made me laugh, we had a chill conversation, nothing crazy, I gave him my number we started texting and about a week in I was like, so, I like texting and all but I'm not looking for a texting buddy sorry! and you haven't mentioned meeting up with me so I'm going to let you know right now that if we don't meet in person soon I'm not going to talk to you anymore! 

Clearly he did what any smart man that has had the pleasure of talking to me would do, he was like ok yes of course, I'm sorry I'm sort of rusty on all of this, I should have said let's meet....blah blah blah! I then realized I was being a bit of a bitch, so I digressed and was like, I just want to meet because I have had very bad experiences in the past and I want to make sure you are real! 

We made plans and we met up, I wasn't happy about the fact that he lives about 40 min away which isn't terrible but still, UGH! When I first saw him I thought he was really handsome and super tall! he's like 6'3 long dirty blonde hair and beard and beautiful green eyes, and his body.... OH DAMN! he plays hockey so he told me that he is trying to stay fit so he's been biking and just really caring for himself which I really like about him also.  He has a daughter and she's his twin, she's 7 years old and his whole world! He's a great dad and I LOVE THAT! so I guess all this to say that I like him, he's cool!

As with everything in my stories, nothing can ever be just chill, nope, not in my life! God forbid I met the complete package! wtf! We hung out and had a great time and haven't seen each other since, which has been really weird and I think he had his daughter for the week after we met and then I traveled but there were a few days that I feel we could have seen each other, so I don't know what to do about this situation anymore because here is where I'm at with all of it.  We all have our emotional and our physical needs! and at first I was like ok, well, I'm not going to ask to see him again obviously because well, I'm not asking and so we start texting then he adds me on Snapchat and I don't usually use Snapchat too much, but I do talk to a few friends on there so I was like whatever like I'll just start talking to him on here and so every morning I started getting a message a picture a video whatever and at first I was like he's so weird, and I was like, what are you 15? and he was like.... You gotta keep up with the times! which he was absolutely right about! So I started going along with it, as time has passed I've sort of gotten into it and when you think about it well, Snapchat was intended to send pics and that's how you communicate.  He Never sends me like inappropriate pics or vice versa, it's always some random shit that makes me laugh! I now usually wake up and if I don't get something from him I start to miss him, but here is where shit gets tricky.  It is so easy to get emotionally attached to someone that you are constantly talking too and this has happened to me in the past so I'm really careful! This is exactly why I told him we needed to meet in person first, because I was not about to get cat fished.  I have been on these dating sites way before they were as big as they are now, so I know all the games all to well and second, because well I don't have time for just talking, I want to meet someone that I am actually going to spend time with and we don't need to talk all day every day, but there needs to be a balance of a little bit of both.  I can do, a little spending time a little talking.  But I can't do all talking no spending time or all spending time and well, you leave my home and you don't exist! 

I made a decision right before I met him that I was not going to be spending too much time on just one man, meaning that I know enough to know when a man has a real interest in me and if I'm not getting all of my needs met I'm out son! I am not going to invest time in people that are not investing time in me.  Currently he is traveling, but I told him already that I am hoping we will spend time together when he gets back, I mentioned it once, I'm not saying shit anymore.  When he gets back I'm going to sit back and pay attention to his actions, which I've written on here a million times that actions speak louder than words to me, if he gets back and we don't see each other within that first weekend of him getting back, PEACE OUT SON! I don't give a FUCK! how much I enjoy his messages and how much fun I'm having getting to know things about him through his pictures or his videos which I have to say he gets so damn creative I just love it! I will be in my car driving and laughing so hard at something he sends me! I'm THAT person, sitting in her car cracking up! SO! because I can also be very creative and inventive, I start to think about something I want to send too, so it's a lot of fun and if this ends up being nothing I can assure you that I will miss that for sure, but I WILL BE DAMNED! if I let anyone play with me that way.  

I don't know what's going to happen and I have to say I'm a little nervous either way, I'm nervous because the thought of this developing into more, literally makes me want to throw up! I'm SOOOO TERRIFIED, of getting to close to anyone! It is the scariest shit ever! however, I also know that I can't allow myself to build a wall and become the cold hearted bitch that I was my last major break up, when I was accused of using people, I can't and I've said this so many times that I don't want to be that woman ever again, but sometimes I am truly tempted because it's way less scary! 

I wanted to write about this because I have said that I am going to write my love story on here one day and while I have absolutely NO IDEA where this new adventure is going to take me, I also don't know if I'm writing my love story right now, I don't know if D will end up being my next true love.  He may be that or he may be my next disaster, either way, D has no idea that I'm writing about him and he will only know about it if he becomes someone special if not, he will never be the wiser.  I do have to say that as the days go by, the attention he gives me makes me like him more, so I have to be really really careful that I don't allow my emotions to cloud my better judgement, I need to always be aware of "are my needs being met" or "am I getting what I'm giving" or "am I settling." Right now it feels ok and I have only known him I think a month or so, but I refuse to waste months with one person, because well...... WINTER IS COMING! I want to cuddle! I have to admit, that the more I get to know him, the more I like want to see him again so I can hug and kiss him, this tells me that I'm definitely liking him a little more than I should, but hey, a girl needs and misses affection!

I will leave you with.... Bad Habits - Ed Sheeran 

Shallow Jaz wants a guy!

Dear Journal -

I'm pretty much done with traveling! I'm soooo exhausted! I don't know how people can do that for work, like travel all the time.  I've met a few people in my lifetime that have had demanding jobs that they have to travel for and they told me horror stories! but mainly, they always said missing their family was the hardest part of their job.  

I have one more trip this year and then I'm staying put for a while, I don't really want to go anywhere other than Europe to visit my son, but that won't be happening until next year sometime.  I miss my boy so very very much! since he has been in the military, I have visited him anywhere he has been stationed, because I will travel across the world for my son! He's such a great young man, and this weekend when I witnessed my friend marrying the love of her life, I thought about my children and how much I want that for them, to find their best friend, soul mate, the one person that they would be ready to travel through ocean's for!

I traveled through oceans for my ex husband, literally for about 4 or maybe 5 years I would go visit him in Colombia, I loved that man so very much once upon a time, but when I think about our relationship, he definitely wasn't my best friend, our relationship was pretty forced, it's a long story, but the other day he stayed with my kids and I for a few weeks, and being in the same home with him for what seemed forever was really hard! I tried my hardest to stay away and in my room while he was with us and I could tell he was very uncomfortable also, but he has become more of a family member to me than anything else, it's just weird because I can't even remember what our relationship was like, it's funny how one moment you can be completely in love with someone and the next you are hiding in your room avoiding conversations with that same person! I mean sure we talked and gossiped and had a few laughs, but all in all, we were both pretty happy when he got his own place." 

Nothing crazy has been happening in my life lately journal, other than me thinking about what I want in terms of a man.  It's so funny because when I was with my most current ex and I was feeling really unhappy, I would often sit and think about this "ideal man" that I should be with and now that I am single and have the opportunity to maybe one day meet this "wonderful human" I keep lowering my standards and making excuses for things and just not even knowing what I want! it's kind of crazy! the only thing I feel that I really want is to feel that connection, that like feeling of "I feel like I've always known you" type situation, like when you meet someone and it's just this natural flow.  I should though be thinking about things a little deeper though.  I can't really come up with anything other than, I want to feel attracted to this person, I want to feel the "spark" that very very rarely happens to me! I don't really spark with anyone to be honest! ugh! it's so annoying! so does that mean I'm shallow? does it mean I'm all about looks? not really! like what's attractive to me isn't attractive to others.  I'm not some teenager who cares about what my friends are going to think about the person I sleep with.  But I do need to feel attracted to someone to even consider that.  Sometimes I will see a man and be like, OH WOW! he's hot! but that doesn't mean I'll sleep with him.  Thinking someone is attractive is very different than feeling attracted to that person!

I've been talking to someone I like, he's cool, but I think it's already over! ha! that lasted all of two weeks! I told him yesterday that I didn't want a texting buddy, because it felt like all we do is text, snap chat and that is not what I signed up for! like I don't need to see pics of your every move! this is a grown ass adult man with a kid! I swear this only happens to ME! we talk talk talk, but I've only seen him once and sure we had a nice time together, but I want someone that actually makes time to see me AND wants to also talk to me when we don't see each other! is that too much to fucking ask for? I'm not going to be someone's "text buddy" what am I 15? fuck all this bullshit dating shit, I'm done! this month I'm going to focus on trying not to eat beef! now there is something productive to do! It's so much work, getting to know people! I don't know that I have the energy or desire to do all of that! yet, I still have hope that one day I will get to write my love story right here on this journal! don't know when or how, but I know I will! 

I'm tired, I'm going to bed journal!

ps. my title was inspired by a movie I thought was hilarious! I love Jack Black and Gwyneth Paltro in this movie! maybe if we could only see the beauty in others, this world would be a better place!

Shallow Hall Wants a Gal!

Scared Shitless!

"An unexamined life, is not worth living" ~ Socrates

Dear journal -

In a little over a month, I turn 50 years old! OH MY! I feel like for the last year, I've been preparing for this day to come, like I literally felt like I was already 50 all year long! that's HALF A FUCKING CENTURY! I don't give a shit what anyone says to me about how I should feel, it is a really scary time for me right now! Like I said, I've been preparing for this the whole year.  

When I turned 45 it was kind of the same thing, I was really scared I felt weird and it just felt like something wasn't right, like the number didn't fit me.  My current ex, who is 20 years younger than I am, told me that he had a surprise for me, because I had told him that I almost didn't want to do  anything for my bday. So, what did my ex man do you ask? well, he made me a "surprise party!" now he knew that I liked going out to the bars, so my surprise was really that he invited all his twenty something year old friends to come out and celebrate my bday with me! I miss him! neither him or his friends EVER made a comment or acted weird or made me feel anything less than Chinos girl (that's not his real name) they al ways treated me pretty awesome or at least the ones that weren't in the side lines hating hard as fuck, because he didn't give two fucks what my age was! 

I had such a great 45 bday, he made me feel so happy and his friends were super cool! We just had a great time at the bars that night, something he hated doing! He never liked going out, but would always be like, baby, if you want to go, then go! I always knew who our haters were and they were usually women, in particular, there was this one woman that I knew had a thing for my man, I never ever felt insecure in my relationship as far as the females that he was surrounded by, because I knew I made him really happy, but there was this one time that he and I had broken up, and that same woman, said something like, well she's old anyway or something to that affect and my Chino went OFF ON THAT BITCH! when we got back together and he told me this, he also apologized to me, because I had told him, I could tell she would always hate on us and on our relationship.  He finally saw that what I would tell him about the people he called friends, was true.  Coincidentally, when he and I broke up this time and he changed his profile picture the a picture of him and his new maybe wife now? guess who hearted the picture? yup the same hating ass bitch, that I swear journal I try not to be ghetto anymore, but if I ever bump into that woman again, I might not be able to control my younger self who would not take shit from ANYONE and held her tongue for so long because "I won't stoop that low" so if I do see her, I hope for her sake, that she doesn't catch me on a wrong day!

I did not come on my journal today to reminisce on a love that I was knew or on the haters that have crossed my path though, I do often tend to get off topic when I'm writing to you journal! What I was saying journal is that this is a big deal because turning this age really makes you think of your life and be like, what the fuck have I done with it? sometimes I feel like I've accomplished so much and others, I'm like fuck! I haven't done shit! My mother who is an amazing woman and who I am blessed to still have, is planning the best birthday party ever for me! I am so excited to be celebrating although I'm also scared! 

My mom is on point with the party planning, she's so excited about it, almost more than I am.  I am going to celebrate my birthday in Colombia and I told her that what I want people to bring me as gifts is food, like uncooked food, like rice, beans, grains anything that I can donate to the elderly home in my town.  I thought it would be appropriate to celebrate this birthday there, because I was born there and I have only celebrated birthdays 1-6 there and then when I turned 15 I also got to celebrate my bday there and it wasn't like a big quinceañera which is the traditional age that is celebrated in my culture.  My birthday present was actually the ticket to go to Colombia, but while I was there my grandmother threw me a pretty awesome party!  Back then and probably the only time in my life that I have been with anyone older than me, my boyfriend who was at the time 25, sent me a bouquet of flowers and all sorts of gifts, he was back in NY and obviously couldn't make it to my party, but since he was already a grown man and he had a pretty bad ass job at the time, I got super spoiled by him! He went on to break my heart and married a woman that was 10 years older than him! go figure!

So, I am scared maybe because it's a big number, maybe because I've done nothing at all with my life, maybe because I don't have my ex to make me feel ok about it, maybe because I feel insecure about how I should act or who I should be by now, maybe I just don't want to accept that I'm aging or that my death is closer, or that my kids are no longer kids, it's so much that I can't quite pin point it, but, I do know that I will also get through this like I get through everything I have in my life time and the one thing I really do want, is to age with grace, to feel ok with it all, to accept who I am and who I've become, to continue to live my life without fear or reservations, to stop judging myself and not paying attention to what anyone has to say about me, my life choices etc.  it's really hard though and I struggle with all of it! but, there are a lot of wonderful things happening in my life so I want to end this journal entry with this...................

Dear universe and God, thank you for all my blessings! I'm sorry for being ungrateful and sometimes feeling sorry for myself.  I realize that I am a very lucky and blessed human that has so many amazing people in my life.  Thank you universe for my health, my family, my friends, my career and most of all, thank you for my kids and their health and the lives that they are living, I see so much hurt all around me all the time, the families that allow me into their lives everyday that struggle with so much more than I can ever imagine.  Give me the strength to be the rock that they need so that I can help them help themselves and thank you for another year of life! I am eternally grateful for all the love that I am lucky enough to have in my life..... Amen!

I will leave you with.... Leonardo DaVinci's Beautiful Angel!

Dancing makes me think of you!

 Dear Journal - 

I've been going on quite a few hikes lately and I really genuinely enjoy them! I really like to do it alone because it feels like my time to be with myself, I usually hope no one is around so they can't see me talking to myself, and so far I haven't gotten caught! (this may or may not be true, the talking to myself out loud part) but my best friend and I would always joke that back in the days when I would be on the trains in NYC going to work or coming home from work, I would be thinking so hard that the next thing I knew, I would catch myself moving my lips! I was exaggerating, or maybe not, but it was always our joke like....... Don't think to hard on the train! Trails are different though! I talk to the plants and the bugs and birds and anything else I see that is living! nature is amazing and I catch myself sometimes not even thinking, but just loosing myself in the moment, which only would ever happen to me when I would run!

Last weekend was pretty cool! I went out with some friends and they left around 1 and I said, I will stay until close I want to continue to dance.  Throughout my life, everyone has always thought that I am crazy because I am that person that literally likes to go out to literally dance! When I was in my late teens and early 20's and living in NYC, there would be nights that I would go out to the clubs by myself pick a corner and dance all night long! this is a true fact and I have friends that will attest to this.  I always ended up seeing people I knew at the clubs, I went out so much I even knew professional dancers, I was friends with one who was actually a back up dancer for Janet Jackson and just knew a bunch of kids that were professionals, now when I think back, I always feel like I could have been that also, but I just didn't have the support that I needed to get into the field of dancing, non the less, dancing has always been special to me and I love it and I will never stop! 

The reason why I'm writing to you today journal, is because when I was out on Friday night, at one point I really really missed him! my good friend and always dance buddy! I told you a few months ago that my friend of almost 8 years had told me that he had feelings for me and that it had been a very uncomfortable situation for me.  I always wonder what the hell is wrong with me and why it is that when someone likes me I don't like them and vice-versa, but anyway, this revelation was really hard for me because he is the type of friend that would come to my home, knows my kids, we have gone to dance battle together in Denver, we have partied like rock stars together, I have made him dinner, I have met his parents, like he is a true real friend no strings or sexual history not even kissing! we are legit friends, so when that happened it was really difficult for me because I did not feel the same way and I knew in that moment that our friendship would never be the same! 

Since that interaction, I had messaged him and talked to him like nothing had ever transpired, we actually had spoken on the phone once for like an hour but neither one of us brought anything up as I feel we both want to pretend like that awkward conversation ever happened.  Things did change though and I have not spoken to him as often.  On Friday, at like 1:30 in the morning when the liquor was kicking in, I sent him a txt message that read, are you out? I miss you homes! He responded a few minutes later telling me he missed me too and that he wasn't out but we could hang out the following night.  My friend is a great dancer, so I wanted to hang out but I already had plans for the next night so I had to tell him I couldn't go out.  

I miss hanging out with him so much and I want to again, but I just feel like I'm going to feel weird, like I know this secret about and feel guilty that I can't give him what he may want from me, although he never said what it was he wanted.  I'm so scared to ask though because then what if he does want something from me that I can't give him? then what? will that change our friendship even more? I just want it all to go away and for us to be the way we used to be! wing people to each other! Women ALWAYS look at him and try to dance with him and hit on him and he is so oblivious sometimes! I'm like DUDE! did you not see that? meanwhile, he will always try to hook me up with some rando at the bars! it's so much fun and hilarious, I love him so much! 

I've met some of the women he's semi dated, he tells me all about his "friends" that he never wants to date etc. that's our friendship! that's what I want again.  He's really handsome has no kids is in his late 30's educated and sure he has some things he needs to work on like the rest of us, but I think with the right woman by his side, he will be even more amazing! Because we all know journal, that behind a great man, there has to be a greater women.  I just hate that, that woman can't be me because I just don't see us that way and I've never really have, I've always thought of him like family.  I did try to think of us that way once he told me what he felt and I just couldn't see it, I just feel like our chemistry is friendship and that's it.  Sometimes when I think of all my male friends I'm like.... If only I can make my perfect guy with a little bit of this one and a ton of that one and some of this one! I have some seriously dope males in my world!

In other Jazzy news, things are good journal! lots of self care this month, it's been really simple my life, just very focused on the things that matter to me, like my kids, my family, my beautiful friends! I just got back on like 2 dating sites, one of them I had not been on for like 10 years and as soon as I put my info in, there I was! in all my late 30's glory! Pictures of me and everything! I was like What The Fuck! like you don't know me dating site! you didn't know I would be back! but it did! on a positive note, I was like HOLLY SHIT! I forgot about this pic, so I just had to update some photos and start clicking! Jazzy doesn't lie about her age or uses old pics, I want people to like me for me and what I look like now, not what I looked like in the past.  So, let's start the games again, I say games because that's all it is, bunch of games adult people play! Let the fun begin!

I will leave you with Aaron Smith - Dancin 

this song always gets me hyped! ha! good times!