Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Dear Journal: 10-30-12.....

Dear Journal:

I noticed one very important thing about myself in the last few days, I realized that I hate being home! I feel like I am in a cage and it drives me insane and even though I have been out, I feel like I have been in way too much!  I can't sit and watch TV or movies and that is so weird, I feel like I have so much energy all the time that I can't stay still it's a bit annoying.  Maybe though, I felt that way because of the whole Hurricane situation and not knowing what was going to happen.  I am not one to be panicked but inside I do feel very anxious about these things.  These things can be very serious I never take mother nature for granted.

Yesterday, October 29, 2012 New York City got hit with a Hurricane.  Before the Hurricane hit, I went over to the strip that overlooks the Verrazano bridge, which is in my opinion one of the most awesome bridges in NYC.  I went because I love nature and I wanted to see nature at it's finest I wanted to see the ocean and feel it's love.  I know that saying that I wanted to feel the oceans love sounds weird, but it is love it is the universe being one with us when mother nature let's out her energy and goes right through us.  I used to think that when things like that happened, it was because god was angry, I no longer think that.  I now think that god doesn't do any of that, we do, us, men we do it all.  

I wanted to go and check out the scene and so I did.  Believe it or not, at one point I felt one with the air and earth.  I know sometimes I sound very strange but mother nature fascinates me, it is so beautiful this our world.  I don't ever much understand why people don't care for it, it saddens me that people don't see the world as I do.  It's such a beautiful amazing place full of mystery.  

So at one point I closed my eyes and just allowed the air to hit my face, I closed my eyes and stood in the moment and it was amazing, the water was hitting my cheeks the air brushed passed my hands and my fingers and I closed my eyes and felt one with the energy all around me.  I almost felt like I needed it to regain energy as lately I often feel like my energy is being sucked away by negative feelings and angry thoughts.  I need to constantly call out to love in order to control my temper and my anger and my rage.  Yesterday I felt very sad, angry, hurt and jealous at one point because I felt that someone's actions toward me have not been very kind, but that is a whole other post and quite honestly I don't feel it is worthy of writing.  People lie, that is what they often do but when you have been honest and you feel lied to, it's really sad and that's when all those other sentiments come into play.  I try not to allow those negative feelings to posses my life and my heart and my soul, so because I was feeling all this negative energy and bad feelings that don't serve any purpose in my life, I went out to regain good positive energy and love from mother nature.  It was AWESOME!

My 13 year old son and I were fascinated by these little creatures that were all coming up out from under the rocks and it was pretty sweet, I even wanted to touch one and I NEVER want to touch any creepy crawlers.  But the most significant thing that happened yesterday was that I communicated via email with my BK, my lovely friend BK! http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2011/06/how-jazzy-got-her-groove-back.html I realized yesterday how much I still miss him being in my life and although our email conversation was short I felt like we both finally got some closure like we are ok now.  

It's so strange because I mentioned him to a friend of mine the other day and when I did so, the person I mentioned him to made a reference with regard to sex, he said that I must have really liked hanging out with this guy because he was young and I liked "young XYZ" I can't actually write the word he utilized because my blog is PG13.  I was really offended by his comment because I honestly think that the person who made that comment, really believes that my life revolves around thinking about sex and honestly that is so far from the truth.  Yes his comment was really inappropriate and immature for a grown man, but sometimes when people make stupid comments instead of me defending myself I allow them to think what they want.  Go ahead judge me all you want! because you will never know all that I am and that is just fine and dandy!

Yes I think of sex often, but that is not all I spend my time thinking about but at the end of the day however, his opinion really didn't matter and I didn't feel like explaining to him how what I shared with BK was truly special and how he was honest and sincere and always true to me even though he was a young man, something I must honestly say the person making the comment doesn't have a clue about as honesty in my opinion is only a word he uses to pretend he is something he probably isn't.  Maybe I am wrong I sure hope I am.  

Regardless, I know that BK's feelings for me were very genuine and that he was a true friend the kind of person that I allowed into my heart very deeply.   And so yesterday I got this email from BK and I responded being a really nasty bitch to him because of what had happened earlier when I was really consumed by anger and jealousy and even some hate and so my poor BK got some of my anger but not only because I was angry at the situation that had just happened, but also because BK himself had not been very nice to me in the past and actually, I had not heard from him in quite a while as he stopped talking to me for I would say about 2 years now.  To my surprise however he responded to my nasty response to him and I was really shocked and also very happy.  I feel like those few emails we exchanged felt like closure to both of us it was like we were ok with things and I must admit that talking to him felt really good.  He is now in a happy relationship and I am so happy for him, I love him and always wish him nothing but the very best! he was a special young man in my life and he was part of the plan of my growth.

Journal as I write this entry I am listening to the romantic music mix that Benjamin made for me years ago http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2012/10/dear-men-what-woman-really-wants.html I really enjoy working to this music, it is very soothing and makes me feel happy.  Once upon a time I couldn't even listen to it.  I am moving on from all of that slowly I really am this makes me really happy.  I feel really good today, maybe it has something to do with the fact that I feel free I feel free from all that negative energy that was consuming me yesterday, I am free from anger and jealousy and even hate.  I am allowing love to flow back into my soul.... FOR LOVE IS THE ONLY SENTIMENT I WILL ALLOW IN MY HEART!

Journal...... ALL IS WELL IN MY SOUL! ALL IS WELL IN NEW YORK! YAY!!!

Check out one of the songs on my music mix... THANK YOU BENJAMIN... Maybe listening to your music mix reminds me of what I truly deserve.

Les Nubians Ft. The Roots-Sweetest Taboo
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dGafHuld9-c







Monday, October 29, 2012

To Cuddle or Not to Cuddle???

Cuddling in my opinion is SO EXTREMELY PERSONAL! that I quite honestly don't understand how people go from cuddle partner to cuddle partner to cuddle partner! for me, cuddling is kind of like falling in love, meaning that for me to cuddle with someone I have to like grow into the feeling like I have to little by little gain trust. I have to know that this person I am going to allow to rub my feet with theirs is genuine and honest and someone I truly trust.  

I am going to tell you my last cuddle story, because I have to admit that when I cuddled with him, I felt like a starving person seeking food, like a desperate woman in need of love or in this case in need of affection, cuddling after all is just that it's a form of affection.  I think I am becoming a really really cold shallow person but honestly, almost everyone I cuddled with in my life I had a relationship with, so I don't know how to like have a sexual moment with someone and then lay there and let that person warm themselves up with my body heat and hold me and pretend I mean something to them or lay there and hold them and pretend they might mean something to me.  I think that's so damn fake please don't hold me pretending you have some sort of feeling of closeness to me and then after we leave this room I don't hear from you for days, that to me is just so damn fake! I only want to hold someone close to me if it's something special, if it's someone that I have special feelings for.  I'M SOOOO DAMN WEIRD! 

Anyway, my last cuddle session was at a jail in Colombia.... YUP!!! I am DEAD SERIOUS! in Colombia when you visit someone in jail, they don't have fancy visiting rooms or visiting areas, the visitors are able to go into the jail cell of the inmate and while you are there, anything and everything goes! you can basically take naps on the inmates bed if you want to and couples are left to do their thing if they need to.  When there are two cell mates in one cell and one has a significant other, they are respectful to each other and whom ever does not have a visit will leave the cell so that the other person can have privacy.  I have to say that it's pretty interesting the way things are done there.  

Back in February, I went to Colombia and while I was there I went to visit one of my best friends who has been there for about three years now.  When I went to visit him, I felt so extremely happy because I had not seen him in so long.  Well! as soon as I got into his cell, I started kissing him and hugging him and I told him that he had to lay down with me and hug me.... Come here I said to him, PLEASE COME LAY DOWN WITH ME! he kept laughing and telling me that I was needy and the whole time I just kept saying... shut up and hold me! during the whole visit, he had to lay on the bed with me and had to cuddle up with me and at one point, I made him take off his shoes and rub feet with me! I have to say that it was truly awesome! cuddling with him felt perfect to me, it felt right and most of all it felt safe!

When I think about that safe feeling, I realize that the reason why I don't like to go around cuddling up with people is because I don't want to get used to things that aren't going to be constant.  Like why in the world would I allow someone to have the pleasure of holding me close to them of smelling my sweet perfume and maybe all the while, they are holding me and probably thinking of someone else? or maybe doing it because it's the right thing to do after an intimate but really not so intimate moment? meaning unless you know that you are cuddling up with someone that you have an understanding with that you are both heading in the same direction that you are both feeling certain things for one another and it's a special thing, then of course it's different.  But as a female it is really hard for me to let someone hold me in their arms if in my mind I feel that they are holding me just cause or that it's just a need for the moment or that they feel that's what they should do because that's what women expect after intimacy.  

Anyway, I was ever so grateful to my Nacho who I miss all the time, because if there has been any man in these last five years that I have been single, that has truly cared for me as a friend and person, he is at the top of the list.  I trust him because I know that he is genuine with me, was always honest, was always sincere.  I know that he loves me just as I am and would do anything for me no matter what it takes.  If you haven't read the story of my Nacho, you can find it here..... http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2011/06/love-sex-drugs.html

To cuddle is to be intimate, so if you don't feel safe in someone's arms there is no point to be in them to begin with.  Cuddle up with the pillow! pillows are safe, cozy and very warm! GOD I'M SO WEIRD! 

Sunday, October 28, 2012

Because to be HONEST is to be BRAVE!


Dear Journal:

I do not feel well, I have been feeling very sad lately, very on edge, very confused and very scared.  In my heart and in my soul I know the reason, yet my fear of being honest to myself has kept me from doing and saying so many things that I want to.  I cannot continue lying to myself when I pride myself in that I am honest or that I try to be as honest as possible always.  I am genuine and try to be a good individual.  Yet for the last few months probably, all I have done is lie to myself because sometimes some truths are just way too scary.

I know that as usual I might not be making much sense, but here is why.  I lied to myself about how I felt because lying to myself was easier and less scary than to accept it.  To be honest to oneself takes courage sometimes, because if you take a change if you try to be brave and you can't obtain what your heart desires, then it is scary and sad and sometimes really hurtful.  But, is it not easier to feel all those things but know that at the very least you were honest to yourself and whomever you felt you needed to be honest with? so what do I do when I feel this feeling in my heart and all the while I am lying about it because it is easier than facing it? I LIE! I LIE to myself and to the person and when you lie, the lie just creates a crazy situation.

Today I was honest with someone and the minute I was able to be honest I felt so much better.  Sometimes I feel as if that person isn't very honest with me, but that is not my problem that is that person's problem.  Maybe I am wrong, maybe I just think that person isn't being honest with me.  Regardless, that persons honesty is not my concern, I am only out here trying to save one soul and that soul belongs to Jazzy and no matter what others do to me at the end of the day, the only thing that will matter is what I do to myself and if I am going around walking in this world lying to myself about things, then how can I possibly ever grow wiser? how will my soul be rich? how will I ever one day have that which I deserve?

I know that one day, this too shall pass and that what is meant to be just will be and that everything and everyone in front of me is my teacher and that becoming spiritual and becoming one with the universe and with god, takes time and probably many sad moments, very difficult moments, many hurtful moments but in the end when all is said and done I can alway smile because I was honest with me.  

I cannot loose my focus or my direction, I need to stay on this straight path that I have chosen to follow and whenever I feel like I am loosing direction, the only way to get back on track is to be honest to myself and others.  If they wish to partake in this wonderful time of my life with me then that they may but if they don't, then I continue on my journey of self discovery and love and hope that one day in my path there he will be, that person that will continue the path with me and at that time all those that were left behind, will wonder where they went wrong? and some may have regrets and some will not but again that will never be a concern of mine because I do what I think is right and that is all I can do.  I never feel like I lost, because I am not a looser.  Rather I feel like I gained, I gain wisdom I gain happiness and I gain truth.

Journal, today I told someone the truth and for this I feel brave.......



Saturday, October 27, 2012

Dear Journal: 10-27-12 - SLUTS!

Dear Journal:

Sometimes I honestly don't know what people's problem with me is, or rather, I don't know what is the problem men have with me, but I quite honestly completely give up on people (men) they are crazy and out of control and don't know what they want and when you tell them what you want all of a sudden they get psycho! I CAN'T DEAL! can someone please tell me why I got cursed out and told off a few weeks ago and all I ever am is honest? yes and I quote...."you are nothing but a fake bitch that likes to use people and treat them like shit, you are heartless and fake!" end of quote he walks away and I stand there feeling like I just had a "relationship argument" with someone I had nothing at all with! WHAT THE FUCK!!!!  I hate all men effective immediately!

To top that off, last night I went out to this small club and I realized something that I always think about but then I am like, well, it's just music but when you tie that in with social psychology it really saddens me and I feel like I need to do something about it except what can I really do except protect the one person that this would influence? ok, I know I am not making any sense so I will try to write this short as humanly possible and in a way that will make sense.... Social Psychology says that we are influenced by media, each other, the society we live in.  In general we all have the need to feel wanted/loved/needed.  Most of us go around trying to get this even if we don't really know consciously that we do and, sometimes some of us (ok me) try to act like I don't want it or need it and I do EVERYTHING wrong when it comes near me because I am scared! BUT! regardless of how much we try to deny it and ourselves of certain things, we still by our own nature seek it and need it and if we get it and it is reciprocated and it's right (a relationship that is) then it is healthy it helps us with our lives it makes us feel good physically it even helps us live longer! YES it's true, studies have been conducted that reveal that people in (HEALTHY) healthy is the key word! HEALTHY relationships do indeed have a better life, are healthier and live longer!

So, I go to this club I am wearing a teeshirt some baggy jeans and some sneakers and I look around me and there is not one woman that is dressed like I am, almost EVERY single girl in there regardless of their body type is dressed like they are video vixens, they are some how half naked trying to get the attention of men, because if they are not in a relationship, they are hoping to meet someone to fulfill their basic human need.  I am 41 years old, the rest of the women in the club are all probably in their mid 20's to early 30's and then when hip hop comes on or actually all the music that I am listening to is degrading to woman and it's almost telling all of us females that if we want a man, we need to look a certain way, dress a certain way and shake a certain way in order to get it! and I am not talking about getting it sexually, I am talking about getting love, that which we want and need.  So I'm kind of drunk dancing and looking at all these young girls thinking about social psychology WHAT THE HELL!!! but yes, that is what I was doing, I couldn't help but to think, OH MY GOD! MY DAUGHTER!!!!!

So, what do I do? I send my good friend who is a rapper a text message and complain to him and tell him that I don't appreciate that sometimes his lyrics are degrading to women and how I love him very much but he needs to STOP! singing about how women are bitches and hoes and how they should all be treated like sluts! this is what my little girl and all these young girls have been exposed to for years and years and more and more I feel like this is the norm and how it's getting worse and worse and how the media and entertainers are more and more promoting that in order to get that which we want and need (love) we have to look and act a certain way to obtain it.  This makes me extremely SAD! because this is not what I want my daughter seeing and growing up thinking and I can't do much about it but try to show her the right way or at least teach her that the right man, will look at you for who you are and not care about what you look like and that is what she should go after.  Try to find the one's that genuinely care about her for who she is.

My night ended with me meeting this really cute guy, while I was wearing my baggy jeans and sneakers and had my hair in corn rolls no make up and just being me! I had a great time.  I got a number and I didn't have to dress any sort of way, because men in their own nature don't want a woman that goes out looking like she needs to get laid.  It is OK to look sexy, but in a tasteful way.  I feel so sad that these young girls feel these pressures about how they should dress and look to find love, but what am I supposed to do? how can I make a difference? who do I go to for this??? it's so frustrating! I let my poor friend have it last night bitching to him about the lyrics to his music, but again, even with him it's not his fault, I KNOW HIM WELL and I know that he doesn't believe the things he says or at least with regard to women, I KNOW FOR A FACT! he doesn't treat women like bitches I know that because I briefly dated him years ago and he was a perfect gentleman with me, BUT, because this is "the norm" in the entertainment industry, then I feel like he is just doing what he loves.   

He is rhyming and making music because that's what he loves to do.  And I am positive, that most men that are entertainers and sing all these songs that are degrading to women, are out there looking for a good girl, but where is there any good girl if what these young women are being exposed to, is to look like a slut in order to get yourself a man? When will it stop though? when will men start singing about how a woman should really be treated? and when will these young girls understand that they don't need to be half naked to get a phone number at a club? (and ok it's halloween and we all do it we all dress slutty on halloween) but I see this even when I go out on regular days.  I swear I am always the outcast at the bars, most times, I'm that girl in a sweat suite just chilling! I'M 41! and last night I was in jeans and a tee and still came out with a number! SOOOOOOO.... it CAN HAPPEN LADIES! men will still come after you even when you are looking a hot mess! because WE ALL WANT THE SAME! WE ALL NEED LOVE!

I know I don't make any sense today, but I am just all over the place this morning with how I felt last night and to top it off I am dressing like a bunny tonight! so now I feel like a hypocrite! but it's halloween and I promise I try my best to always dress tasteful! and also, I will try to wear my bunny costume in the least sluttiest way possible if that even makes sense! and I also promise, that I am not wearing the costume to try to get myself a man, I want to wear it because I had it for years now and I finally feel like it will look nice on me and I want to wear my costume but I promise journal, I am wearing it and am going to be with a guy as my date so it's not like I am out wearing it trying to "get it" I am not, I just want to feel sexy and have fun on my favorite holiday.

ps.....My friend just sent me a text message and told me that he promises me that he's new LP will not be degrading to woman! I LOVE HIM! HE IS SO AWESOME! I'm going to go to dinner with him, he's a good guy!

THANK YOU!

Monday, October 22, 2012

His response to my email.....


Dear Journal: 

My love sent me a message.  Sometimes when I see these messages I perceive them as a sign a smoke signal that only I can read.  The messages are directed at me and no one else in the world would ever be the wiser.  His intelligence is beyond comprehension for it is his mind I have been enamored with all of these years.  He does things with just the right precision at just the right moment, he waits with patience knowing that I will never go away and deep down inside knowing that he doesn't want me too.  I wrote him and he responded.  How can I possibly ever give my love to anyone else? I cannot, because I know he still speaks to me! It is quite difficult to find anything else in this world that makes me feel even remotely in the slightest way the true and complete happiness that I feel just by seeing one little sign from him, a picture in this case.  HOPE! may I dare to have it? to believe that one day my love will come back? What if I gave up and he came back to me? what would be of our love?

He spoke to me with a picture and a picture is worth a thousand words.  Of course to any other individual that picture is just of a skyline on a gloomy day, but to me however, because my heart is full of love for him, I perceive the picture the way I feel.  For perception is not seeing things as they are, but rather it is seeing things as we are.  I know this because it is Cognitive Psychology, I study it, I try to learn it and I want to use it to help myself to be well, mentally, emotionally, internally, externally.  But let me dream! for dreaming makes me feel happy and dreams they do come true.  The picture spoke to me directly, like it could only speak to me. 

But…. What did it say? What is he trying to tell me? he took a picture of the sky line on a gloomy day.  Well, he knows that I love architecture, I take pictures of buildings and skylines all the time, he has observed my patterns for years and knows how much I love to take pictures of such things, he also knows that I love gloomy days.  Many times we spoke about how much we loved the rain and how gloomy days didn’t make us feel gloomy at all.  And then there was that time, the time that I went to him during a thunderstorm and we found each other on the street and we were both soaking wet, it was like a scene in a romance movie, and if I told someone the story, they would not believe me, but it did happen.  I was walking away giving up on seeing him and it was thundering and the rain was falling really heavy and when I looked up there he was! my love! soaking wet, his wet tee shirt hugging his muscular body, for my loves body is like that of a body builder so tall and handsome and big muscles the kind of arms you want to have wrapped about your small figure, the kind of hands you want to touch your soft skin…...  Sigh……. My love!

The picture? The picture said to me, Jazzy I still think of you! You were in my thoughts for so many years that there is no way you can have abandoned them.  You are still my love and when I lay with her, it is you I dream of.  With this picture I am letting you know that I have not gone from you yet, you are still ever so present in me in my life and my deepest desires.  For I never shared a kiss with you but the day we finally do, our kiss will take our breath away and no other kiss but the ones from your lips will ever again do! You are the only woman that can inspire me deeply, how will I ever let you go?

Thank you for you message my love! It will allow me to be well for weeks and days and months to come.  I see it, I feel it and I understand it.  No one else will ever know and no one else will ever understand this love so true………

I twisted and turned and twisted and turned and I woke up, tears on my eyes…. I MISS MY LOVE!


Somebody's me - Enrique Iglesias

Saturday, October 20, 2012

DON'T LET THE TEST BE YOUR KRYPTONITE!

Dear Journal:

I HAVE to write to you right now because if I don't I am going to go completely insane thinking about this ALL DAY LONG! I just got home from taking my Biology midterm and I have to say that I did absolutely HORRIBLE! how do I know I did horrible? well I didn't study.  I mean I looked at the stuff but not enough and last night I felt so sick had the worse headache and went to bed at like 10, I was just exhausted! So while I was sitting there taking the test reading it and thinking to myself, OMG! I'm SO EMBARRASSED! and why does it feel like I am reading a foreign language? I couldn't help but to realize that I was definitely wearing the wrong tee-shirt on the wrong day.  

Why was I embarrassed your asking journal??? Well what happened next will give you the reason.....my Professor who I noticed a few weeks ago was checking me out and I have sort of had a little thing for since I first saw him on the first day of class, and who I actually stayed after class a few weeks ago talking to him about my goals/major my work my children and he were just  joking around and he and I sort of just clicked.  While I am taking the test and am about to be done, I look up and look his way and he is looking my way so our eyes meet and he smiles at me and I look at him like..... I just really messed up on your test! and so I get up because I'm finally done and hand him the test and say to him, professor please don't judge me based on the horrible score I will be getting on your exam and so he looks at me sympathetically and says....... "Don't let this test be  your Kryptonite!" because I am wearing my superman tee-shirt today.  So I looked at him miserably and told him that I had no one but myself to blame for this.  Which I do! I have been so busy with my other class that completely consumes all of my time, and so busy trying to have a life by going out on a Saturday night instead of staying home studying, that I haven't really focused much on this particular class.  Which is the class I should focus on so that I can impress my professor! Then he asks me if I am going to stay for his lab, which was immediately after the test, but I felt so embarrassed I just wanted to run out of there as soon as possible if not sooner! I couldn't even look at him.  UGH! what a shitty feeling!

So I leave class, trying not to show him everything that is going on inside of me and I get outside and call my step mom because I needed to talk to someone and the moment she picks up the phone,  I start crying to her, telling her that I know I can't do it all anymore, that I am tired, that I want to run somewhere and just disappear! I AM SO DONE! so she starts to calm me down and tells me that I need to stop taking on so much, that I am trying to rush and that she doesn't understand why?  

But me during my self analyses (yes I self analyze!) and because I know I am in desperate need of some serious mental health counseling! I know EXACTLY why I am rushing.   I know that I don't want to be here anymore, I want to leave and I can't leave until I finish school.  Except I still have a while before I finish school.  So, where am I going? Then I think about why I want to leave? and I realize that I want to leave, for the same reason I left Florida, I left Florida because I wanted to forget someone, http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2011/07/cheating-bastards.html leaving there was the only way I could move on from that situation, so, If I leave NY is that going to help me move on? Is running away from things really the answer? or, do I have to force myself to give someone a real chance so I can finally move on? move on from Benjamin.... http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2010/12/omg-my-first-blog-entry.html I am miserable lately because I can't stop thinking about him, because I am stuck in this place for five years now and that is COMPLETELY unacceptable! I don't know maybe it's because I met him in late October so I get really sad in October thinking about it? But I am tired of being stuck in this place, I don't want to be in this place anymore! the place where I am in love with a fictional character one that I created in my mind because in reality, NO ONE IS THAT PERFECT!

So what am I going to do about this? well, for starters I am going to step up my study game and am going to show my professor that I am not an idiot! and once I pass his class, I think I am going to ask my professor out on a date! OH MY! yup! and if he says no, it's ok, because I am going to start just asking men out left and right and I am only going to ask men out that I really really like and see some sort of potential with for something special.  Now I am not trying to get married or have kids or anything crazy, but I am definitely ready to give someone else all this love that I have wasted on someone that didn't deserve it.  Additionally, It is important for me to start dating a little, I don't think it's healthy that I don't and I really do want to have someone that I can talk to when I need it or someone who I can just share ideas with and enjoy things with.  

I have absolutely no idea at what time these things will take place (since I never have time) but there are TONS of men out there that have no time for dating either, so I guess that's where I have to begin, I need to find someone that is just as busy as I am someone who will appreciate the few moments we share together.  And yes I go on casual dates sometimes like in the summer and during school breaks, but I always do so just for the hell of it.  I need to stop being so closed up and start going out with people that I actually look at as someone who I would potentially dare I write the term on here????......DATE!.... OH MY! 

I think I have felt this way before, like ok I am ready for the dating game and then like a month later I give up.  Well, it's not that I am really going to actively look, but I am not going to shy away or not notice or allow these possibilities in my life anymore.  I have done that before, look the other way and ignored possibilities.  For instance, about two semesters ago, one of my classmates noticed that my professor was giving me the eye and he told me that I should ask him out, but I told my friend that I wouldn't do so because I wasn't ready for that sort of stuff and I was also nervous and kept having all sorts of excuses why I shouldn't, but I should have! the only reason why I am talking about professors, is because honestly the only place where I can think of to meet men is at school.  Where else would I meet men? I don't like meeting men in bars and I'm pretty much done with online dating.  And at school I am not about to date a 21 year old student nor am I going to date people I work with (that's a HUGE NO NO IN MY BOOK!) so that leaves me with school and the only men in school that I actually get to talk to are my professors AND since I LOVE INTELLIGENT MEN! what better place to start??? DUH! so first thing, get my grades up, next thing flirt a little with him and next thing...... ASK HIM OUT! OH MY! I hope I can actually go through with it since I am a total chicken! this can't happen until January though, because I can't ask him out while I am still in his class.  

Why him? well he's intelligent, he sort of flirted with me, he is handsome enough that I can see myself hanging out with him and he has a great sense of humor and he believes in me! I will try to describe him.  The other day my classmate who had a meeting with him (the professor) and told me about it, when she started telling me that she had met with the professor, my respond to her was...YOU SAW MY MAN??? what did he say??? did he ask about me??? and she looked at me surprised and laughing she was like..... You like our professor???? REALLY? and proceeded with, he isn't my type.  And then she thought about it a while and was like... Yeah I guess he's cute! YOU SEE JOURNAL! my taste in men IS CRAZY! my professor is short and bald, but he has these nice lips and you know me and lips! and he is just I don't know.... there is something about him! he has tattoos and just looks like your average cool guy.  When I saw him the very first time I kept wondering if the man standing at the front of the classroom was a janitor or the professor?? he's probably in his mid 30's and just seems really cool and he's quite funny.   So...Intelligent... check... nice lips... check... funny... check! MY KIND OF MAN!

So that is my plan journal! I better not let him down! I just hope he never finds out I write a blog because the last time I told someone I wrote about him without him knowing I had written about him,  he wasn't too happy about it or me anymore and that was pretty much the end of that story.  After that I kind of felt like he let me down easy because he didn't want to lead me on and then he actually was very up front with me and told me where I stand, which I really appreciated.  I did gain an awesome friend out of it though, so the end result wasn't too bad.  With my professor however, I don't want a him as my friend or my professor.  I want romance! OH MY GOD! IMAGINE???? so, NOTE TO SELF...KEEP MY JOURNAL to myself!

I feel so much better now that this is all out of my head.  My lovely journal! what would I do without you! Maybe tomorrow I will wake up feeling better and realize that I don't have what it takes to date and that I am way to scared to love again or that maybe this professor thing isn't a good idea, or that maybe I should pack my bags and move to Rio, but this is what I am feeling today, this is what I have been feeling lately.... all this Benjamin moving on thing has been on my mind lately because I have this crazy thought that he is getting married! for no reason at all other than the fact that I think it's a good time for him to do so! as if I am the adequate individual to dictate what he should be doing.  He should of been MY HUSBAND!!! but I have to really really really really really! try to FORGET HIM ONCE AND FOR ALL!

ps. Journal...... I sent Benjamin an email the other day and of course he didn't answer me.... how much more of a looser can I possibly be??? he's such an asshole! 


Lisa Lisa and the cult jam - All cried out......



Thursday, October 18, 2012

Dear Journal - The one that got away..............

Dear Journal: 

The one that got away? Last night I was talking to my friend and the topic of "the one that got away" came up.  I immediately thought of him... Benjamin http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2010/12/omg-my-first-blog-entry.html and started saying how I felt like he was my one that got away.  Then, to my surprise I started feeling all chocked and I couldn't even talk about it.  So I stopped because I didn't even want to hear myself continue.... I felt like such a fool!

Maybe, when someone gets away it's to make way for someone even better! I know that one day this too shall pass and that one day I will be able to talk about it without chocking up about it.  It's been so many years that I can't even believe I still have those sorts of reactions.  However, today or actually right now I was listening to the music mix he gave me.  For years I couldn't even listen to it because it made me so emotional, but for the first time today, I was able to listen enjoy and I felt fine! YAY! some songs even made me think of someone else! THAT'S AWESOME!!!! WOOOO  HOOOOOOOOOO PROGRESS!!!!

I am in school it's 9:28pm on October 18, 2012 and for the most part I am HAPPY! so, it's all good in the hood but I just had to take out a few minutes from my studying to put this on here because I have been thinking about it all day, about the fact that maybe I didn't loose anything, that in fact nothing got away and that all it was, was a learning experience that made me grow and become better.  So! some lucky dude will reap from all the benefits of the new Jazzy! YAY! AND.... unlike Benjamin that never got not one kiss, this wonderful amazing man that will one day get all my love will also get........... ALL OF MY KISSES! 

ok, gotta go now! 

Please enjoy this song....... right out of my play list! thanks Benjamin!

Lights On - The Pierces - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xud2sPZE9nc








Monday, October 15, 2012

Dear Men: WHAT A WOMAN REALLY WANTS!


"I have loved to the point of madness/That which is called madness/That which to me/Is the only sensible way to love." - Francoise Sagan

About two weeks ago or so, I met this guy on Tagged who sent me an email asking about the URL to my blog.  I told him that he could find the link to it on my FB page and befriended him on there and we exchanged a few emails back and forth about it.  The last email he sent me, he wished me luck with my writing and told me to let him know when I wrote a post about “what women really want” NOW THAT IS A TOUGH ONE!

I have been thinking about his question for over a week and when I think about what women really want, I can’t help but to keep thinking that the best way for me to explain what women really want is by giving examples.  Sure I can write all the different words to describe what (I) or woman really want, but I think that by giving examples of real life experiences, it gives it a greater meaning.   I hope that my examples will give whoever comes across this post, a sense of what it is a women really wants or at least women in general.  I have talked about this subject with women of all ages and I think it is safe to say that it’s standard sort of.  Of course, some want diamonds and pearls and cars houses and Gucci bags but I am not writing about those women, I am writing about the ones that understand that it’s not about material things.

Example 1:

The day that I met Benjamin Nunez (the last person I was/am in love with) I was about four months pregnant but I did not have a pregnant belly yet, I was just heavy about 20 pounds heavier than I am now.  Therefore, I did not look pregnant I looked fat.  After we became friends he told me about a year later that the first time he saw me he couldn’t believe I spoke to him because he thought I was hot.  In reality, the day I met him, my hair was short and looked all messy, I was wearing these maternity pants that were horrible, I had dark circles under my eyes and was pale from throwing up constantly, yet he saw me “hot” and for that, I loved him! so, needles to say I think every woman wants a man that to him, she is the most beautiful woman in the world no matter how she looks to the rest of the world.

Example 2:

While Benjamin and I were friends and I was pregnant (but separated from my husband) I told him that my back was really really hurting me.  He was always very sympathetic of my aches and pains, so this one time I am sitting at work and in comes a woman asking for me, she comes over to me and hands me a gift certificate and says to me that that is a gift that was sent to me for a prenatal massage.  At that moment I thought to myself.. what the hell?? And my facial expression was of shock, So she looks at me and clearly realizes that I don’t know who sent me the certificate.  So she says to me, oh, you don’t know who sent it? and she proceeds with…. Benjamin sent it.  After she left I started to cry! It was one of the nicest things anyone has ever done for me.  So, I guess that every woman wants a thoughtful man, one that even if he can’t do something specific to help you with your problem in this case (my aches) he will be resourceful in figuring out how to make her feel better! for this…… I loved him!

Example 3:

While Benjamin and I were friends, I registered in college.  I had been out of school for over 10 years and I was really really nervous and scared.  The moment I walked out of the school after registering, I sent him a text message telling him that I was officially a college student and then proceeded my message with… I am sitting at a staircase crying because I am really scared (because I was) and then I said, what if I fail? What if I fail my children? Benjamin’s reply to me was…. I BELIEVE IN YOU! In that moment, all my fears were gone, I felt stronger.  So, needless to say, I guess every woman wants a man that BELIEVES IN HER AND HER ABILITIES! Benjamin believed in me and my abilities and for this…. I loved him!

Example 4:

While Benjamin and I were friends, we were talking about this one song and how he thought I should have that song in my romantic music mix, when he told me that, I explained to him how I did not have a romantic music mix and how in fact, I didn’t listen to music (something that I had stopped doing do to my unhappiness) A few weeks later, Benjamin made me my very own romantic music mix, needles to say, he brought music back into my life! So, I guess that every woman wants a man that will figure out ways to make you smile when you are unhappy no matter how much time it takes him to figure out a way to do it, in this case he took time out of his day to do something special just for me….. for this, I LOVED HIM!

Example 5:

While Benjamin and I were friends, I didn’t know anyone he did.  One day, I went away to Spain and bought him back a little gift.  I wanted to send it to him as a surprise, so I sent his business partner an email asking him for the office address but first apologizing to him for bothering him and telling him who I was.  When his business partner wrote me back, his email read: are you Jazzy? the one who is pregnant? I have heard sooooo much about you!  I am sure he will be VERY happy when he receives your surprise.  When I read that email, I could not believe my eyes! Benjamin, the man I was falling in love with, talked about me to his friends WOW! So, needles to say, every woman wants a man that talks to the whole world about her, because he wants to brag about how awesome she is! for that….. I loved him…

Example 6:

While I was friends with AJ (someone else who I was falling in love with) we were getting to know each other but he lived in a different state.  Regardless, one day, I had a situation where my car broke down and my first instinct was to call him because I felt like a damsel in distress! Immediately, although AJ was in another state he started trying to think of ways in which he could help me AJ felt that he “needed to take care of his woman” so, needless to say, every woman wants a man that will figure out how to get her out of trouble no matter what, who or how he needs to do it.  For this…. I love and miss him!

Example 7: 

When I lived in Florida and was madly in love with HEX, on Valentine’s day I had not had the chance to see him because he was busy doing I can’t remember what.  Anyway, I was thinking that my baby had forgotten that It was valentine’s day and I felt really bad.  Late that afternoon, Hex called me and said baby, I need you to meet me at xyz place, when I get there he is waiting for me and says wait right here and goes back to his car and comes out with flowers and a singing teddy bear.  OH MY GOD! I was so happy! My baby loved me! he hugged and kissed me and started singing to me along with the bear, it was awesome! so, needles to say, every woman wants a man that will give her flowers and act like a fool in front of her if that is what he needs to do to be romantic. Because there is no shame when it comes to the woman he loves!... For this…. I LOVED HIM!

Example 8:

When I was married to my first husband, he was a total bad boy.  The one thing that I have to say about him is, that with him I always felt safe.  I knew that my man could take care of me if I was in physical danger.  One day, I got into a fight with someone and I got in all sorts of trouble.   When he found out, he was ready to beat someone up.  My man was going to protect me even if he was going to have to end up in jail.  Obviously, this is an extreme scenario and a man can protect a woman without being violent.  But, needless to say…every woman wants a man that will protect her, no matter what he needs to do to make sure she is safe! For this, I loved my Ron dearly! (may his soul rest in peace!)

Example 9:

When I was married to my first husband, I was attending college to get my Associates degree.  I had a little boy (who was not his son) yet while I would do my homework, he would take my baby who at the time was a year and a half old and would take care of him for me so that I could do my school work, he would always tell me not to worry because he would feed and change the baby, for me to focus and get my A’s.  Needles to say, every woman wants a man that will be supportive of her goals and dreams… For this, I loved him dearly! (may his soul rest in peace!)

Example 10:

My last ex husband, works for a fashion company where there are nothing but beautiful women mostly models.  I always felt extremely insecure, because I knew that here I was a mere mortal…heavy, older than him, stretch marks, cellulite you name it I probably have it.  Yet there my man went to work each and every day with models ALL DAY LONG! One day after we had already broken up he told me that although he would be surrounded by beautiful women all day long, all he ever thought about during the day, was how badly he couldn’t wait to get home to me.  I couldn’t believe he waited to tell me this after it was too late! Regardless, every woman wants a man that only has eyes for her.  For this… I loved him very much!

Example 11:

My first love (who is my oldest sons dad) loved me to death! It was crazy and pretty intense at times.  Back then we both lived separate but alone, we were very young and neither one of us had parents that we could count on, all we had was each other.  His grandmother would give him an allowance every day, so that he could buy himself food, I will never forget that the amount of money he got was three dollars.  As soon as his grandmother would give him his money, he would turn to me and say...Baby here take a dollar fifty I don’t want you to be outside without any money.  Needles to say, every woman wants a man that will try to provide for her no matter how tough the situation may be for him.  A man will find a way to make sure his woman is taken care of with her financially needs no matter how little he is able to provide.  For that reason, I loved him so…..

Example 12:

For my last example, I will reference someone who is only a friend.  This morning, I sent him a text message expressing to him how I felt really sad today and how I had seen my girlfriend last night who lives in another state (the same state where he actually lives) and how I am so tired of this city and feel so down and just went on and on to him about the situation.  When I was done, he said to me, “I understand.” Needless to say, every woman wants a man that will listen to her and understand her without judgment.  Because sometimes we aren’t asking a man to solve the problem (men want to solve the problem it’s their nature) however, sometimes we just want someone to LISTEN and simply UNDERSTAND! When he responded that he understood, he made me smile! And all of a sudden I felt better! For this…. I love my friend!


Most importantly a woman wants your UNCONDITIONAL LOVE! since I am not a man, I can’t explain how that might feel to a man, but Barry White says it pretty well so I will leave you with Barry….

Barry White - My First, My Last, My Everything!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qdTDFUaaL9s 

Please note: If you are a woman and you come across this post and feel that I left something out, please feel free to leave a comment, I might of missed something.

What happens in Vegas!

 Dear Journal - I know it has been sometime since I last wrote but as of late, my life has been pretty busy! I came on here tonight to write...