Dear Journal -
The post below I initially wrote in June 2022 but did not post it because I never finished writing it. I did however want to post it because why not? So here is my June post for your enjoyment pleasure! Also, after this post, I did do 1 14er, which I did meet someone on my way up. We stopped and talked for a bit and we both sort of kind of wanted to be like...... We should hike together sometime! BUT, I was to proud to ask for his number and I don't know why he didn't ask for mine. He was around my age, tall and thin, blonde hair light eyes and very handsome. I remember him vividly! what if he was.......... THE ONE! 😱 oh well! as I write this I'm laughing because I truly don't believe in the whole "ONE" concept, I believe in the many! Today is 1/14/23 and I just purchased a ticket for my next trip, I shall tell you all about it upon my return! until then, if I have some time I will post some poems I wrote a few months back, one which I actually wrote on this hike I went on where I saw this man. I also almost died (more on that on a different day). It is pretty late and I'm going on a morning hike tomorrow so I want to get to bed. Life is really good lately journal, I feel pretty happy and just very relaxed and chill. I did loose someone special on Dec 15th to a terrible accident, everyday when I think of my little cousin, I keep remembering what he told me the last time I hung out with him in Colombia in 2021........ Fuck everyone he said..... Be happy! I shall little cuz, I shall! Love you forever!
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How are thou my masterpiece? I absolutely have fallen back in love with you! I literally think of you everyday! what will I write next? what should I tell on this open book of mine? what should I keep deep in my heart and soul to only share in my book? what title will get people interested in reading you? and mainly, how do I get more female followers? that is literally my dream and the vision I had for this journal 11 years ago when I first started writing it. I wanted female followers because I write for women really! Men don't care about what I go through, at least I don't think so. Women on the other hand, they may read something that resonates and feel like..... WOW! I'm not the only woman that feels this way! that is all I want, I want a woman to find this blog and feel like they read something that makes them feel like they aren't as crazy as they thought. By the way, I'm all sorts of crazy! but I would not change who I am for the world! My grandmother (May she rest in peace! Miss her so much!) would laugh so hard at the stuff that would come out of my mouth, that she would be like, esta loca! (crazy girl) I can still hear her laughter in my head, it was contagious! I miss her voice so much!
Today journal, I want to tell you all about my knight in shinning armor! that's right, you read it here first, my knight in shinning armor! The other day I was talking to my cousin and we were discussing the fact that there is someone in her life that she really likes who doesn't know what he wants and this really frustrates her. She is 27 years old and about to become a lawyer and he is already a lawyer they went to school together and have known each other for years, they have been friends for years. She tells me that she's just tired of men not wanting to commit and we start talking about that and one conversation leads to another and then I tell her that I have this feeling that this summer when I climb 1 or 2 fourteeners (which are basically mountains that are 14 thousand feet above sea level) when I get to the top, there he is going to be! a knight in full on armor! I described to her this man in a horse with full on armor and we start cracking up! it was so hilarious because as I was telling her this, I literally had this vision in my head of this said knight from medieval times, I just LOVE anything that's from Medieval/Renaissance ages.
The truth is journal, that sometimes the thought of falling in love ever again is probably the scariest thought I've had in years! after my last post where I wrote about my ex and the fact that he nearly died a few months back and the people in his life sort of blamed me for it, I went through about a week and a half feeling truly sad. I literally had to talk myself through it all and remind myself that it wasn't my fault and that it didn't matter who people tried to blame, it wasn't my responsibility as he is an adult and made his own choices. Hearing all that was told to me was really difficult and immediately after hearing all of it I felt a tremendous amount of love for him in that moment and my initial instinct was to run to him and "save" him, but after crying for a few days and feeling as heart broken as I did almost 2 years ago when we initially broke up, I had a really hard time and had to process it all with close friends in order to come to terms with everything that was told to me and I also had to make the decision that I need to continue to move forward and continue to do what I've been focusing on doing which is taking care of myself and working on me as I need to love myself first because how will I ever be able to love again if I can't even love myself first. I just feel so exhausted from loving so hard my whole life and always being blamed for things that are not my fault.
I will never forget when my ex husband (whom I was already divorced from) passed away from a drug overdose, I walked into the funeral home and the minute his sister saw me she started screaming at me saying that her brother was dead because I had left him! meanwhile, he already had a new girlfriend and a baby so how the fuck was it my fault? She kept yelling at me saying that the only person that could "control him" was me! who the fuck wants the responsibility of "controlling" a grown ass man. That has always stayed with me and I'm just exhausted of being the "care giver" to the men I've been with and yes I do date younger men but they aren't little kids, they are adults so how is it my fault if they make their own choices? also, my first ex husband and I were only like 3 years apart so he wasn't that much younger and he had his mother and his sister so how was it my responsibility to "control" him?
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I HAVE to leave you with this song that the badass Shakira just released dissing the SHIT out of her ex husband cheating bastard! it's soooooooo GOOD!
