Forget Him Heart............

Forget Him Heart

By: Jazzy

Forget him mind erase him heart, Unless he called me to tell me that he loves me, I don't want a call.   

Unless he wrote me and wrote the words I love you, I won't care to read at all. 

And days have come and days have gone and still he's present in my memory, and still he lingers in the surface, will I ever get to bury him deep inside my soul? a place where no one will ever know? and from there I won't ever have to let him go?

But I still look somehow to know about him, how is he doing? what has he done? And when last I looked, he had 17 likes, but it didn't matter to me because I didn't care, they don't know him how I do, they will never make him feel so scared of love so true.

Forget him mind erase him heart, forget the moment he broke my heart.  I hate him so, if only he could know, that without him even wanting to he changed me forever, and I'll always regret that we were never together. 

His fear of love pushed me away, and he asked me to go, so I will obey.  To make him happy is all that I wanted.   

A simple kiss we were able to share, and in that moment I knew he didn't care. So forget  him mind erase him heart, forget him mind erase him heart.

Woman by: Georges Seurat

GUIDE TO THE GOOD LIFE...WHAT? HUH?

Dear Journal:

1-22-14

I wrote this post yesterday on my way home from work.  Life is going swell, and things are looking bright.  I feel content in my shoes and I am looking forward to the journey ahead of me.  I feel like I have so much to write, yet I am stuck as to where to start, so I will start here, with the post I wrote yesterday on my way home, it starts on the next paragraph. 

1-21-14

I read a book on Stoicism nearly 3 years ago that I really enjoyed.  I read it on a flight on my way back from Colombia.  I really enjoyed it and feel like I gained a wealth of spiritual knowledge from it.  I will try to write about what I got out of it and what I understood from it.  In a nut shell, stoic belief is the belief that if we always imagine the absolute worse scenario happening about a certain situation, the likelihood of that worse outcome happening is probably least likely to occur.   

Let me try to explain what I mean.  What I got out of the book is that stoicism ties into living in the moment, because what the teaching is referring too, is a teaching of controlling our thoughts since we cannot always have control of situations.  The belief is that if we think of the absolute worse happening, if that absolute worse doesn't happen which is usually the case, then we will always or usually be happy with the outcome of the situation.  We as humans tend to let our imaginations run wild with thoughts when we are faced with challenges, so because this is our very nature, instead of letting our minds control our thoughts, why not control that which we could if we really tried, that being our minds, and when faced with difficult decisions go straight to the worse scenario and let that be the point where we make decisions from.  I'll try to elaborate as I know this can be a bit or a lot confusing.

For example, a few weeks ago I was really really anxious and stressed about the outcome of my final, the last final I had taken as an undergraduate student.  I kept thinking that if I did not pass my final, I would be screwed in the sense that I would probably have to change a bunch of plans I had made, based on the outcome of the test.  At first I was a hot mess! I messaged all my dear and true friends expressing to them my fear of this outcome, the outcome being failing the test.  As my friends often do, they reassured me that I was probably over reacting and that they had full faith that I had passed (side note: THANK YOU FRIENDS!) anyway, I thought back at what I had read in the book about stoicism, and I practiced to the best of my recollection, what I could practice based on what I learned by reading the book.  So I sat down and I imagined the most horrific outcome that I could, in terms of what would happen if I did fail the test.  After doing so, I was able to clearly set a plan in the event that I did indeed fail.  Practicing stoic belief, enabled me to calmly react to my feelings and my crazy thoughts that were scattered all over the place, and for the rest of my wait for the results of that test, I was a bit more relaxed.  So, needless to say, I wasn't just happy with the outcome of my test (I passed it) I was ecstatic! Not only was I completely shocked with the grade I received (C) which I'm not proud of, but I was ecstatic that I had passed it because I thought I was going to get a (D) and that would of really screwed up my GPA which I wanted to make sure to keep above a 3.0 so that I could apply to grad school if I decided to go (I'm not sure about it yet).

Now I'm not saying that this tactic always works, or that it's a sure cure for having anxious thoughts.  But as someone who spent the last four years of my life studying psychology, and am still not able to practice what I learned or work in the amazing field or sit across from someone and help them with their problems, I hope that if anyone comes across this blog, and stubbles upon this post, they will find it somehow useful.  If nothing else, I hope I can provide an idea at the very least, to help calm your thoughts!

Remember..... If Jazzy can do it, so can you! (Insert smiley face here!).

I highly recommend the book, I plan on reading it again as I might have not been completely accurate as far as this post is concerned, but again, I read this book nearly 3 years ago and still use what I got out of it, as a useful tool, when I encounter difficult scenarios.  Def a good read!

My Angel.......

Dear Journal -

How do you call a human an angel and they fear you and run away because of it? will I ever understand the reasons no matter how hard I study or how hard I try to figure it out? is there a path that we have to follow in order to get to a place we are supposed to be at? I don't know, I can't explain so many things that have happened to me in the last few years.  The events that have led me to now.  Maybe it's just that before I wasn't paying attention and then when I finally began to I was able to see that there are just things that are tools and signs that we must follow and that is the life we are supposed to lead, but who or what puts those tools there? is there something greater than I that I chose not to accept?

I don't even know if I believe in angels anymore, but if they weren't in my life then how would I know that everything will be ok? how do I know it's the right thing? why am I only afraid for a few moments and then I am over it and moving forward? so many questions! I'm not really writing this entry for any answers.  I was just laying in bed watching something and then after it was over I felt this sadness come over me, and then he entered my thoughts, the one I called my angel, the one that is no longer in my life and then I began to cry.  Everyone else waits for me with anticipation and excitement except for him, yet he was the reason why I even knew about it, he was almost the reason for doing it and he is no longer there, no longer in my reality.  2X, 2X this week I cried about him, and I missed him so much! but I will not reach out to someone that has only been mean to me for no reason, I cannot be that person anymore, I don't know how to be a victim, because I am no longer one.  But that doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt or that I am not human or that I don't cry, because I do and it is ok.

I called him my angel, and I still believe he was, I hope he is well and I hope that one day he will ask me to forgive him for his harsh hurtful words that he used, because I know that he knows deep down inside of him, that I only meant to be good to him, in any capacity that he allowed me to be in his life, even when he pushed me away because he did not know what genuine looks like.  I am just glad I never asked for anything, because I only want to get, what someone is willing to give, never more.

Journal, Jazzy is sad tonight.  Sweetest of dreams.......


I leave you with Madonna - Playground

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rMHRq7yGdkA

FORBIDDEN FRUIT..........

Dear Journal

I feel stuck and a little bit lazy.  I always think about you and how I want to write to you but I'm so excited that I'm done with school, that I kind of want to stare blankly into space and think of nothing. 

Lately, I have been feeling pure joy! like the sort of joy that isn't exuberant but just enough to keep me with a huge smile on my face!

I also have a new crush! but as usual with me, my crush isn't such a good idea, so I'm trying to convince myself not to think of my new crush, except every time I try not to think of him, I actually think of him more!

I mean how can I not think of this tall, thin, fun and handsome guy? He's so damn cool! the worst part is that I know I can't have him, because he has a girlfriend! (Insert sad face) journal, I know that liking someone that has a girlfriend is probably the worst idea I could have to date! but to my defense.... I KNEW HIM FIRST dammit! Literally I met him before she did, but the problem is that he lives in another state so although I spoke to him first, she met him in person first and now that's her man! UGH! the worst part is that I didn't have a crush on him at first, like at first I thought he was handsome and very cool but it was whatever, but then when I finally got to meet him in person I was so damn pissed off that I had waited so long to do so, because had I met him first he might of been into me dammit! 

I honestly think that he didn't bother with me because he didn't know if I was being honest and so to him it was more like whatever just some other random woman on the internet, but then once we met although he hit it off so great, by then it was to late because at that point he was supposedly madly in love! Ugh! These things only happen to me I swear! His girlfriend lives on the other side of the world, does he not know how much of a BAD idea that ends up being??? I did that before! And ended up wasting years of my life blinded by this long distance love that once I had next to me everyday, I couldn't stand! but I would never try to put myself in his face like a home wrecker, because Jazzy believes in Karma! I will not do to the lovely woman what I would not want to be done to me! so I need to find someone else to crush over immediately if not sooner!

I'm telling you right now journal, the next man that shows me interest I'm just going to make him my man even if only to feel like I can do it! Even if it turns out into a hot mess and we end up breaking up a month later! I feel like I NEED to do it, like I need to get out there and try out having a relationship! because not having one is beginning to make me feel abnormal, I need to have a relationship even if it's a shitty one, I think that once I start having them again I'll slowly get it, you know like get how it goes how it's "supposed to be" there are a lot of new changes coming to my life soon though, and while I would love to share every bit of it with you, I cannot just yet.

I will tell you this however, it has to do with newness! I'm sooo excited!

So yeah, at my old age I all of a sudden want to crush over forbidden fruit! Really?? As if there aren't millions of other men out there in the world? Ugh! I hate when I have a crush on one of my friends! That just sucks! But he's so cute! and even though I keep trying to convince myself that he's "not really that cute" I can't find any reason why he isn't! (Insert sad face).  UGH! 

Painting by: Paul Gauguin 

 

I GOT MY BACHELOR'S WOOOO HOOOOO!!!!

Dear Journal -

I'm shacking with excitement but after receiving the news a few minutes ago with my kids by my side that I had passed the final I thought I had flunked because it was sooooooo tough! I found out that I passed it and therefore I am officially the recipient of a Bachelor's in Psychology! so many tears and missing out on so many moments of my children's lives, I hope they understand why I did it and that without them in my life I wouldn't have done any of it.  Thank you my children! I LOVE YOU TO DEATH!

2014 -- Let the adventure begin!!!!!!!!!!!

Journal -

This was my third year having you! I am so lucky that I am able to share you with the world.  I am glad that I can write whatever I want whenever I want and get it off my chest!

I had a mixed year last year, meaning that there were good days and bad ones.  I know that last year I wrote a best of 2012 post telling you all the good things that happened to me in 2012, this year however, I'm not really in the mood to get into it.  I will tell you though that the best day ever, was the day that I was able to hang out with AJ for a few hours! like hanging out sitting talking eating and then watching tv hanging out! that was the highlight of my 2013, spending time with someone I know so much about yet still feel like I know so little.  Someone who showed me his true colors in both good and bad ways, someone who has a very special piece of my heart.

The saddest thing that happened to me in 2013 was saying goodbye to my friend Wilferm (that's not really his name).  In that moment I didn't think that he was saying goodbye to me for good, but he was.  After that day for reasons like I don't know, the fact that I wrote about him? he never spoke to me again.  It was sad, to say goodbye to someone you felt a grand connection to, someone who you had so many things in common with and someone who I considered if nothing else my bud!... Guess not!

Other than that, my year was pretty average.  I traveled to my favorite city in the world in June and that was pretty much the extent of my travels last year.  I was so busy with school and work and life that I really didn't have time for much, thinking back at last year I feel like it was a good mixture of what a year in the life of Jazzy should be. 

2014 started off pretty good though, up until the point where for being nosy and not minding my business, I went onto the blog of Benjamin Nunez (that's not really his name either) and found out that he had had the worst horrible 2013 ever! as I was reading the blog post I couldn't hold back my tears! I was devastated to know that he had such a harsh time and part of me felt happy about it because he is an "asshole" and why didn't he ever speak to me again? why should I care about his shit??? who cares Jazzy? why are you even reading this shit???? but then the kind side of me took hold and my love for him came back and I was sobbing to know that my ex love had been through the toughest time ever!

So... what did Jazzy do? Jazzy did something she had not done in a very long time and called him and left him a voicemail.  I don't care that he won't answer me or that he doesn't care about me or whatever else anyone who reads this might think.  I called him and left him a message because that's what felt right to me at that moment.  I did what any human being that is ok with feeling the way they feel about something should act.  I showed him my love regardless of what he feels for me.  In preaching love, I have found that if I don't give it, it makes me feel like I am not doing something right.  I need to continue to give my love even to those who don't accept it or those who push it away, because I know that in the deepest of their heart and soul, they know my love for them is genuine, sincere and true! I won't hold a grudge because that will only dirty me and my wellbeing and so I love them, all three of the people this post is about and whatever problem they have with me, then that is on them.  I am really really good! life is amazing right now! I am happy, I have no regrets, I have said to the three of them anything I have ever had to say and I feel free.  I don't feel like I carry some sort of something on my chest. 

If I give my unconditional love to those who act mean to me for god know what reason, do you imagine journal how lucky the man that give me love back will be? I was thinking about that this morning.  I kept thinking, goodness! lucky is he who gets this beautiful heart of mine!

So yeah journal! 2014 will most definitely be an amazing year for me, I can feel it in my heart! so many wonderful adventures coming to these pages real soon!

STAY TUNNED!

I leave you with..... The Birth of Venus By: Botticelli